02x04 - The Devil's Lunch

[bunniefuu]

Ah. Morning.

Good to your word.

I thought you might have stopped
our breakfasts

as some sort of continuation
of your brutality against me

from the other day.

I lost my way a little.

I am back, reason itself.

Apology accepted.

And yet not actually given.

Hello, Paul.

Can we go see how the nursery
is coming along today?

- Under guard. Yes.
- Hmm.

Exciting.

Sort of unimaginable, this, in here,

will be a walking, talking being.

Also, a singing, dancing, hunting,
and f*cking one.

Or reading, writing, philosophizing,
philanthropic one.

- Hmm.
Well, he will be extraordinary.

Ah. We finally agree.

It must be strange,
a human creature inside you.

Do you ever think,
"What if he has a Kn*fe?" Hmm?

- I never do.
- Mm.

It does rush one with intense feelings
of all kinds, though.

This f*cking apricot is rushing me
with intense feeling.

Close your eyes and imagine you are
eating the softest, ripest p*ssy.

I...

probably won't do that.

I'm actually late
for my Diderot breakfast.

I believe we can create a great nation

to rival France.

We can have our own philosophers
who boldly think the unthought,

scientists who discover the unimaginable.

We must learn from the best
these countries have to offer

and sally forth
to a new Russia on their shoulders.

So... let us discuss the Diderot pamphlet
you all were to read.

First thoughts?

We are rebuilding Russia,
and I wish you to be steeped

in these enlightened ideas as I am,

for that is the soil
we plant our Russia in.

So, any ideas at all in the pamphlet
which spoke to you.

- If I may?
- Of course.

Archbishop of Court, Basil.

- Fucker.
- Him?

Her.

Diderot has not
much time for priests,

but I am forgiving
of anyone bringing truth.

God, ideas, vodka...

...all elevate the soul.

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah, indeed!

Who else?

Raskolvy?

Yes, marvelous.

What was, in particular?

The pamphlet.

Generally and particularly.

E-Everyone read it, did they not?

A freewheeling discourse
can be a giddying thing.

I have something.

You do?

It is entitled
Thoughts of an Ex-Emperor.

What's this?

"As I lay here in my imprisonment,
I think often of the court

"and how much I love them.

"Who can remember the pig
and hazelnut orgy of 1756?

The court slept for days after,
slick with pig fat and empty nuts."

Shut him down.

I asked them to share their thoughts.

Not Peter's thoughts.

"I remember when the influenza bug
swept the court.

"I immediately ordered every vapor bowl
to be filled with Scottish whisky.

"We managed to enjoy our sickness

and several babies
were conceived that very night."

- Thank you, Grigor.
We shall move on.

Uh, well, I thank you for the freedom
of expression you have allowed to flower.

I will place some around the court
for your reading pleasure.

Huzzah! To Catherine!

Huzzah!

Grigor. What was that?

Ah, I just thought it would be fun.

I didn't have any
of my own thoughts, so...

Get some! Read Diderot.

I will.

Did Peter put you up to this?

Between us, he suffers.

He is missing the court.

I thought it might be a bit
of harmless fun.

I could report back the court was amused.

It might be good they remember him.

The nightmare should not recede
in people's minds.

I don't like it. Don't do it again.

Understood.

You did not go with Georgina?

No.

You were banished with her.

I ask, Your Grace, to remain.

You chose to stay?

I...

couldn't leave him.

At least you realized who you loved.

I mean, I don't get it.

I suppose some might find him
handsome in that sort of general,

symmetrical features,
and deep brown eyes sort of way,

but... I'm sure people will
see through him soon enough.

Can you k*ll him?

No. She'd immediately suspect me.

Besides, he seems a simple fellow.

A pawn in her much larger game.

I know that look.

Don't you f*cking dare.

No plots to crush my best friend.

I thought I was your best friend?

You are also, which makes this
awfully difficult for me,

so let's think about me in this.

She is backing me into a corner,
and you know how I hate that.

No, no, no...

She is stubborn, yes,
but she is also brilliant.

If you found a way to work with her, she
would listen in ways that Peter never did.

You both love boring conversations,
and even more boring books.

- You should get on well.
- Are you finished?

No. It would also make me very happy,

which should be
everyone's top priority, really.

I'm done with this little experiment.

Agree entirely.

She treated you badly.

- Can we just k*ll her now, then?
- No, we cannot.

Grigor read my pamphlet,
that is the first part of the plan.

- And k*lling her is the second part?
- No, Arkady!

Her failing is the first part,

me helping her do that
is the second part,

and being together and in love
with a not-dead Catherine

is the third part.

f*ck me, can you listen?

Apologies.

The women were slick with want

and the men hungry
for your return to power.

- I'm a good time.
Good to remind them.

You will win back the court.

- I never lost the court.
I lost the throne.

And I didn't lose it,
I lent it temporarily.

What is your point?
Because so far, I hate it.

I don't really have a point.

Other than, we must raise you back up!

I thought the harsh treatment
she gave you,

the kicking, the locking in,
the destruction of Mommy...

it is not on!

I will tell you a strange thing.

Her ruthlessness just makes me see
how perfect we are together.

As they were kicking the sh*t out of me,
I looked up and into her eyes,

and the cold blue of it made me shiver
in a sexual way I have not known.

Well, if you flinch,
it's going to screw up the trajectory!

That one's your fault.

Apologies.

She trapped me in my rooms
like a prisoner.

No one should have that power over me,
even if I love them.

Unless, of course, I've granted it
to them in sexual sport,

which I once did with George.

She then came to me wet as spring rain
and bent over the desk,

and I f*cked her with such savagery
it frightened me.

And yet after she whispered to me
so softly, "Thank you."

It was very sweet.

Are you missing her, Grigor?

I don't know,
I'm still immersed in your story.

Eh, it's how I tell them.

Yeah, her party was a failure.

I'll have a party.

Everyone loved my parties
almost as much as they loved me.

Absolutely.

A wonderful plan,

only slightly dampened by the fact
of your exile in your apartments

and no one, apart from us,
are actually allowed to visit.

I will not continue to share
my grand visions with you

if you act like piddling sticklers
over minor details.

Your meeting with
the Ottoman ambassador is, uh...

I'm sorry, it's very odd to speak to you
when you're seated like that.

It's very odd to feel your lungs being
crushed like an accordion into your throat

by a foreign invading creature
who has taken over your body.

So we must all adjust to some
degree of oddness, don't you agree?

Ambassador Sunduk arrives today.

What the f*ck is that smell?

Leeches, to alleviate the pressure
on her lower pelvic region.

Oh, right. Of course.

Sorry.

I appreciate you all adjusting
so uncomplainingly

to what must be so difficult

and inconvenient
for entire minutes of your day.

Dirt?

Yes.

The Ottomans will never
come round to you leading Russia.

They believe a woman's place
is on a man's face.

- You're wrong.
They view cunnilingus as a mortal sin.

They call it the Devil's Lunch.

And yet it is, of course,
a fabulous meal any time of night or day.

The ambassador will meet me

and be charmed, and love me,
like everyone does.

- Absolutely.
And Sunduk is a worldly man,

speaks seven languages,
a legend among diplomats.

This whole meeting is pointless.

Ever since you've come into power,

the Ottomans have encroached
on our border regions.

att*ck first, show strength.

Or I will show intelligence and reason

and help them see what great friends
our empires can be to one another.

Recall our greater aims, Velementov.

w*r is not one of them.

Indeed.

A reminder that I am sure you don't need,

but it's about presenting a front
to the Ottomans of stability and reason.

And of course, Velementov
and I will be there to share the load.

My dear, you are a blossom that has
never grown in this garden before.

No need to twist and turn your glory

to impress a man who cannot see.

Are you almost done, Elizabeth?

I agree we don't need to impress,
other than by attacking,

with a plan of such elegance
and v*olence,

they will weep at their foolishness
at goading me.

Are you sucking on a nail?

I am, and I will not be shamed.

Certainly not, for the sense of shame
could be transmitted to the baby.

- I have met with the Sultan.
- Really?

We were actually in a meeting.

I'm sure this is a great story
for a luncheon, but...

Peter the Great took me with him
to Constantinople for meetings.

One night at dinner,
Peter the Great was out of the room.

I reached for some cake,

and the Sultan grabbed my hand,

bit it hard, and spat in my face.

Said some strange word, which
I believe translated means "pig slut."

Pig slut? Are you serious?

Apparently, women could only get cake
after the horses had their fill.

It is the culture.

Men lead.

That is why it is best I lead
the negotiations.

I have a better idea.

This is a bad idea.

It is an insult to them.

If it precipitates w*r, I'm all for it.

What a surprising position
for you to take.

- Ambassador Sunduk.
- Empress.

Such an honor to meet you.

I am confused.

That my chief advisors are women?

Yes. That it is not Orlo.

Yes. Well, I do still have
an integral role here.

It's mostly an odd
seating arrangement issue.

It is something of an insult.

Hmm.
This arrangement.

Really? We actually love it.

God is everywhere,
so sidelining the Church to the wall

is no insult at all.

Diplomacy is the art
of neutral approach,

of delicacy to
other people's feelings for the...

ease of relations.

- Thanks for explaining.
- Something I already knew.

I view diplomacy
as a clearing of old prejudices,

so that a new understanding can come forth
between our two great empires.

That's my view.

These Ottoman encroachments on our
border regions will end immediately.

Local warlords.

Unfortunately, nothing the Sultan
or I can do about it.

You know how it is,
running these big empires.

Fringe groups.

Pillaging Russian villages could be
construed as an act of w*r.

I hardly think it's that serious.

You're not living
in the villages, are you?

- Velementov.
Hankering for w*r, no doubt.

- To defend Russia.
- After the Swedish debacle?

I'm sure the Sultan has sufficient
strength to hold his regions together.

A woman questioning the Sultan's powers?

She has a biting intelligence,
our Empress.

He should appreciate it.

Indeed.

Ah!

The Sultan has sent a gift for the baby.

We are aware of your love of horses.

- How dare you!
- You rude piece of sh*t!

Thank you so much.

What an incredibly thoughtful gift.

It is good to see a German
with a sense of humor.

I consider myself Russian

and always willing to find a path
of peace rather than rage.

Unusual, for both Russians
and Germans,

but you seem an exquisite anomaly
in all categories.

God graced us with a leader
who defies all categorization.

- Oh, Archie!
I completely forgot you were here.

So far away.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

I would love to.

Ah. A feast has been prepared,

with anchovies, served fried, grilled,
baked, souped, stewed,

steamed, smoked and salted.

Twenty-seven different kinds of pilaf,
and for dessert, ashure.

What a treat.

My country's delicacies
but prepared by foreigners.

Thank you, Orlo.

I trust it will be just me
and the Empress?

Of course.

He liked me, Orlo.

We can do a deal.
Did you not think?

I did. It's f*cking annoying.

We definitely offended him.

I can tell he's smarter than that.

Empress, a word?

All right. My word is no.

- Ah, off to a good start.
I forgot something in the State Room.

If you'll excuse me
before I have to make up what it is.

Empress, such steady leadership!

Your handling of the ambassador
was a lesson in diplomacy and...

- What is it?
- About Basil.

- He is here to stay.
- Yes, of course.

And I am thrilled he is
to be working with us.

What?

The demands on my time are great

and though his presence here
was initially a shock,

I've realized I would be glad to share
my vision for the church with him.

What is your game here, Archie?

No game.

Just, um, a reevaluation.

It's exhausting, this conflict,

and I fear it will lead Russia
down a dark path.

And you to an early grave.

And Marial seems to think
we can settle it.

Uncharacteristically optimistic of her.

Is it not a sign, perhaps,
that we are both her closest friends?

Mm, I don't think so.

Marial also likes
to eat sheep brains in cream.

Sometimes I must forgive her,
her bad taste, and move on.

- I hold out my hand in friendship.
I do not want to close it into a fist.

Is that a thr*at?

A desperate plea for peace between us.

Oh, funny.

Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Gosh.

Indeed.

I must say I was a tad surprised
at your interest. I...

sh*t my husband in the head
at close range?

Yes.

It is strange, but I found myself
daydreaming of f*cking you often since.

It is a strange grief,

anger at my idiot husband
for getting himself k*lled.

I decided to give into it.

I see.

Well, I'm grateful.

You are...

Beautiful and a great f*ck.

I know.

Exactly.

It is a new day for all of us,
a new court.

How is she to work for?

She is extraordinary.

Of course, she is a woman
and slower to fight than some,

but... I bow to her brilliance.

My husband said you were brilliant,
constantly stymied by Peter.

I hope you have free rein this time.

The Ottomans would be formidable.

- The Ottomans?
We're to w*r with the Ottomans?

No, no, no, no.

Don't, don't,
don't trouble your pretty little hea...

- Don't pat my f*cking hands.
I'm not a dog.

Are we to w*r or not?
You owe me something.

You k*lled my f*cking husband, prick.

Whoa, whoa, what is this storm?

We met the Ottoman ambassador
today, prick.

I think she has him in hand,
but it hangs in the balance.

Indeed.

I will cook that thing
in garlic butter one day.

- Are we almost done?
I have a great deal to do.

My dear,
you seem quite overwrought.

Bloating and embarrassment
are side effects of pregnancy.

It's quite normal.

I'm agitated.

This dinner with the Ottoman,
much rides on it.

I know how I must behave,
and yet...

pregnancy has brought a surfeit
of physical sensations.

They overwhelm.

This amount of agitation
is quite serious.

It can cause the baby
to explode in the womb.

You must have a release.

Self-pleasure is allowed in pregnancy,

but I would have to be
standing by to watch.

Is that essential?

Probably not as essential
as I'm making it sound.

If you won't f*ck Sunduk,
you should just f*ck someone else.

I am happy to service the Empress.

My knowledge of anatomy
makes me a skilled lover.

Intriguing.

Kind offer, Vinodel,
but you may leave us.

Okay.

Call me when you feel the need
for masturbation.

I won't. Good day.

It's time we got you properly f*cked,
for the health of the baby.

I'm the Empress.

It's not so simple to find someone.

I f*ck the doctor,
he drunkenly tells his friends.

Then I am Slutress, not Empress.

A soldier, he wants a promotion.

A noble, he wants land and tax relief.

All true, but there is a solution.

Nothing could be simpler.

Guards.

- Guards?
- It's a tradition.

They have been trained
in discretion for centuries.

Also, they have to do whatever you want,

no matter how exotic or primordial.

They won't bat an eye.

I'm not looking for someone
who isn't in a position to refuse me.

Really?

I find power imbalances wildly erotic.

I suppose I'm old-fashioned that way.

Svenska has news
and has paid a heavy price to get it.

Catherine and Velementov worry
about the Ottomans starting something.

The ambassador met with her today

and she hopes to win him
to her club of gibbering acolytes.

It was unclear if she had.

Perhaps, Sunduk needs to be led
to an understanding

of what he should report back
about his visit here.

The Sultan has some
strange beliefs about women.

You refer to the "some are witches
with horns" belief.

Exactly.

His belief in witches
who feast on men's nosebleeds,

witches who keep chickens
that turn into devils when urinated upon.

You're making this
too complicated and weird.

Sunduk is a sweet guy who loves me.

I remind him of that love,
and we make sure he knows

Catherine is not long for the throne.

- He does love blondes, though.
- Mm.

And she is the most exquisite creature
alive, how can anyone not love her?

- I just don't see it, personally.
- Good answer, darling.

- All right. Let's act on Sunduk.
But let me just say this to all.

We unbalance her, but never hurt
or endanger her, understood?

Subtlety, we can do that, right?

Subtlety is my middle name.

I thought it was Levushka?

What a morning.

First, the Diderot breakfast,
and then the Sunduk dessert.

I think my speech at the end was good.

It roused them, I feel.

Hmm.

Hmm?

It was an inspiring call to arms.

Well, I think they more heard your,
"sh*t, why can't you be French?"

No. No, it was...

Sorry, my overly dark interpretation.

On another topic:
That Basil guy, what a c**t.

You should probably send him home
or just k*ll him if it's easier.

Oh? What makes you say that, I wonder?

Did you know that he can
write with both hands?

Raskolvy says it is an omen,

and he has extra skin on his elbows,
which portends doom for crops,

and also is quite
disconcerting to look at.

I sense you aim to protect Archie.

He is a kinder and much saner option
for the leader of the church.

- I suggest you keep your fingers out of the
machinery of this issue lest you lose them.

Right.

Room's clear.
You can go in.

Ah. Uh, what color do you think? Hmm?

Not sure.

I say each wall different.

You know, green for the love of nature.

That one will be yellow
for the sunshine of a new day,

then this one dark red
as blood for his future.

Then one, whatever the color
of crispy pork is,

or one wall this color.

Ouch. Sorry again.

Not at all.

It's excruciating, but I'm thinking
of things to distract me from the pain.

Paul, mostly. Hello, Paul.

Sweet.

And on that,
I think we should have a baby shower.

What? No.

- Russians love them.
The court will be happy.

People want to shower us with gifts.

Hence, baby shower.

- No.
- Of course.

Ah.

Ah, they really went for the kidneys.

Fine. We'll have a baby shower.

Ah. I'll plan it,
as you are terrible at throwing parties.

Great. And I will be busy
running the country,

as you were terrible doing that.

This pamphlet of yours.

- Oh, good, you read it.
- I did not.

Grigor h*jacked my breakfast with it.

Huh. I will talk to him.

He likes to be loved,
and no doubt imagined my musings

would entertain and reflect well on him.

He has lost George,
so be sympathetic to him.

What was its purpose?

I was bored, and then I thought
for Paul, you know, my memoirs,

but told like a bedtime story,

and then I thought maybe
the court would be interested.

You miss their attention.

Terrified as it was.

I could have all your pamphlets
seized and b*rned.

You believe in freedom of
the printing press, how would it look?

Although, I see an...

What's it called?
That thing where I did something to you,

you were morally outraged,
then you did it back to me?

- Irony.
- Ah.

Or ironie in French.

That was good.

Oh. Merci beaucoup.

Lessons.

Ah. I made this for Paul
using parts from real bears.

- You okay?
- Fine, thanks for asking.

- You seem a bit unsure.
- No, no, it's great, I just, uh...

been a while with anyone.

No one could ever understand why
you never f*cked around on George.

Well, I... You know, I am...

Your cock's not actually in me.

Yeah, no offense.

I just... finding it a bit weird,
to be honest.

Ah! Sunduk, my old friend.

Wonderful to see you again.

- And you!
- What the f*ck?

- Well, I'm pretty well.
I'm going to be a dad.

Congratulations.

I was... Oh.

Very nice, thank you.

You're welcome.

- So what happened to you?
The coup?

- I was basically winning.
At any point I could have won.

And then I got really hungry.

You know when you're really hungry,
and it's just like, "I just need to eat,

and I don't care what it takes"?

So I temporarily abdicated,
but I am coming back to power.

As is my destiny and the will of God,
which I know you people take seriously.

Yes, we've, uh, always seen you
as God's will,

but now we're a little confused
by God's actions.

Well, obviously it's his will
I regain the throne,

otherwise why would I still be alive?

I don't know.

I meant to ask Catherine
why she did that,

but I was too distracted by thoughts
of frottage with her hair.

It's like a yard of corn silk.

There to wrap around your c...
You're dead.

Sorry, what?

I'm trying to save your life here.

If you go back to the Sultan

and inform him Catherine is the true heir
to the throne, ignoring God,

and how I'm the blood descendant
of rulers for centuries...

"Don't worry about it, Sultan,
she is the one to talk to"...

How will he react when I retake it
in a matter of months if not weeks?

He cuts your throat.

You're so certain of this?

Mm. This is just God's
little challenge for me,

so I come back
and be a slightly better leader.

She may have the court now,
in theory, but they love me.

My popularity grows.

Uh, Grigor.
You look miserable, by the way.

I'm fine. Uh...

I might stop, actually. Yeah.

Uncle Varnya.

I thought you'd left.

I did. I told them the great news
of the road to be built

and there was much rejoicing.

I'm glad to help my region.

Orlo! Orlo! Orlo!

Stop it, you're embarrassing me.

The Ottomans
are running rampant near us.

We are dealing with it.

- Oh, of course, you are.
People are writing your story, you know?

- Really? Mm.
It's not really a literate village.

Born in sh*t, floated to the stars.

Thanks.

We are a poor people.

The poorest.

I know.

Cash is good.

- Cash?
- Mm, cash.

It lifts the spirits of our people.

It lifts bread to their scabbed mouths.

I don't know that I can do that.

Ah, but I know you can. You will.

For your heart is good.

You love your people
and are not black of heart or evil of eye.

Are you?

No, I'm not black of heart
or evil of eye.

Cash.

Apparently, there's a party.

You see they love me,

and her power is an illusion that
I will shatter when the time is right.

How is he allowed a party?

I think he found a loophole...

and a hat.

Ah, welcome! It's our baby shower.

Hmm. Such speedy organizing.

- Mm.
- Gosh, don't you look baffling.

Oh, thanks.

- Beautiful baby shower, Empress.
Congratulations.

I was explaining to Catherine earlier
that when you have a party,

it should be an impromptu, spontaneous
outpouring of love and alcohol.

But I suppose that's hard to understand
for an un-fun person,

someone who forces people
to do homework at a breakfast.

That was fun.

We had a Diderot breakfast.
People loved it.

I'm sure they did.

I'm bored rehashing it,
even for a second. Really.

I must dash.
I have to tell people

the stuff coming out of the fountain
is cherry-flavored vodka and not blood.

- I thought we said 7:00 in my apartments?
- We did.

But in the end, I decided
it might be a pointless gesture.

I am sorry,
but I was under the impression

we made some headway this morning.

Mm. It seems your people may
not be adjusting to your reign

as seamlessly as you've made out.

Nonsense. They love me.

And yet here we are,
at your husband's party,

where they sip on his vodka
and cram in like sardines.

You do not make a strong case.

- That is not...
- Everyone!

Everyone!

I would like to make a toast!

Yes! As would I!

Indeed!

The Empress probably has
some more reading to assign.

That's not true!

I wanted to thank you all
for coming to my party.

This party is very clearly mine.

I provided you all with duck rillette...

Which I own
and have paid our chefs to produce.

In God's eyes, I am still the chosen.

God cares for his people,
so chose again.

Let's get f*cked up!

Here's to many more parties like this,
because I am your Empress,

whom you love and think is very fun.

- Uh, but not as fun as me.
Because I am known for being fun.

Indeed, you are not known for much else.

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

Ah. b*at you to it.

- I took your advice.
- Hmm. And?

I groveled. It was unseemly.

SA year of betrayal on both sides
cannot be healed in one conversation.

Hmm.

And the two of you got off to the worst
possible start, we must not forget that.

- How so?
- Think back.

Try and see if you can
put your finger on it... or in it.

Ah.

It was my duty.

Inelegant and uncomfortable, but my duty.

That's not quite the beginning
of an apology, is it?

Aaaah!

- Ooh!
- Oh! Out of bounds, Tatyana.

He's on Cum Patrol!

Wait, the game is
to throw turnips at serfs?

Sweet Catherine, would you like us
to put the turnips down

in case we hurt their feelings, too?

I was actually about to suggest
something more fun.

Turnip someone who has
wronged you in some way.

Oh!

- That is more fun.
- Smolny!

Huzzah for the Empress!

Indeed! Huzzah for me!

Huzzah!

Hello.

I-I hear good things
about the girls' school.

Really?

I mean, I think so,
but you can never be sure.

Our minds create a picture of the world

based on what we perceive
through our senses.

- "Knowledge is a construction."
Immanuel Kant.

- You know Kant?
I can't do Kant.

You can.

I think, therefore I Kant.

- Descartes.
- Mm.

But not quite.

Decant?

That was giddying.

Shall we do more?

I believe those are for the baby.

He'll never know.

Would you like some, Marial?

So, you do remember my name.

Of course.

And yet, when was the last time
we spoke to one another?

You and George had that disagreement.

I was forced to be a serf,

and she chose to forget our friendship
and instead taunted and humiliated me.

You mean that disagreement?

She did not shy away
from humiliating others.

At times, her worst quality.

At times, her best.

Even when she and I were friends,
you and I barely spoke.

She preferred if we did not.

Why?

- I lost my virginity to you.
- You can't tell me she was jealous.

She f*cked your best friend
for the entirety of your marriage.

It was not a marriage bound by logic.

I have to go.

Can I come with you?

Yes.

Macaroons on Paul!

Hi.

That is not how we're doing this.

Sorry for slapping you.

That's fine.

Um...

Oh! You have lice in your beard.

I-I know.

Beard lice has been
going around the guards.

Right, then.

This is done. You may go.

Look at him.

The f*cking arrogance of that moustache.

Thrilling, isn't it?

It's f*cking dangerous,
the way this is being handled.

Peace chats and anchovy platters.

I know their way, as do you.

We need to show strength.

That's all they understand.

Maybe that's all anyone's tried.

Maybe a new way, a new result.

I can win this w*r.

But not if I am dealt
a losing hand at the off.

She must do something...

or at the end of the night,
Sunduk goes home knowing

she is a pacifist with a popular husband.

They'll take our territory
and slaughter our people,

and he'll expect a nice
anchovy platter in the mail for it.

You know, I was on that trip
with Peter the Great to Constantinople.

I don't remember you being bitten.

Really?

How strange.

You are often drunk, though.

Hello.

I noticed you left with a guard?

We may need a roster system.

No. Beard lice.

Oh.

I fear I may have cheapened
myself tonight for no reason.

The court love you.

Sunduk does not.

The joy of being a woman
is knowing that we have

unseen and unacknowledged
depths and strengths

beyond anything a man will ever know,

and knowing that, when we feel like it,

we can outplay a man on his own field.

Indeed.

Oh! We were just chatting about
our hunting trip to Myshkin last year.

Interesting.

We should hunt sometime.

- You hunting?
- Indeed.

Unfortunately,
it's time for you to go now.

Guards.
Escort the Emperor to a spare room.

Tonight was fun, and I like to humor him
from time to time, but I have had enough.

Why have you started talking
about me like I'm not here?

Oh! What the f*ck?

Hey, let me go!

Stop! Hey!

Hey!

Now... hunting.

Tomorrow, shall we?

Yes, I think we shall.

Mm.

I feel like I am finally free
to do as I please.

I was in a foursome today.
Haven't done that in years.

Look at you.

Every day has just been filled

with all the things
I haven't gotten to do for years.

So, you don't miss her at all?

What a terrible question.

I'm sorry. I'm su...

I'm sure you do.

I don't know.

I haven't felt much of anything.
I don't want to feel anything.

I don't think we should f*ck.

- There'd be a nice symmetry to it.
- Mm.

We were each other's first.

Mm, there'd only be symmetry
if we were each other's last.

- We could f*ck every ten years.
So tonight, and then again in a decade.

Mm. I think I need the person
I'm f*cking to feel something.

Numbness is not very attractive.

Understandable.

Mm.

A case for numbness.

Suppose I let myself feel something.

And what I feel is that
I miss her so much

that I am pinned down underneath
the boulder of that pain,

completely flattened
and powerless to rise again.

What good would that do me?

Or suppose that I realize
that I don't miss her.

That would be excruciating as well.
Half my life spent on a lie.

So, it's either numb, or terrible.

Did that feel terrible?

It did not.

Still not terrible.

- But not numb?
- No.

Hmm.

Thank you for joining me.

I believe the more one knows a person,

the more one realizes
the common interests between them.

It applies to countries, as well.

And I believe there's no better cure
for a hangover than k*lling things.

It applies to countries, as well.

I love the way they fall,
it's very poetic.

Have you read Rumi?

No.

Which I'm sure you knew,
which is why you asked.

Well done.

Ah. You seem surprised.

As do you.

Not at all.

I worry you will underestimate me
and then look bad to your Sultan.

You need to know,
I will act decisively for my country.

I take it Velementov is in the forest.

Oh. What is a leader without a strategy?

Well sh*t, Velementov!

You aim to impress me.

I did.

And it was working, so ponder that.

How simple a thing was
that colored your opinion of me,

mister sophisticated worldly ambassador.

A valid point.

You think I will not last.

But that is because you have
never seen a ruler like me before.

Because I am the future.

Maybe you are.

Hmm.

Maybe you're a delusional child.

But are you happy
to take the risk I'm not?

May I make a suggestion?

It might help matters of diplomacy
to not start things off by lying

about having an all-female cabinet
of high-ranking advisors

simply because you think
it will enrage me.

For what it's worth,
it did not enrage me.

Interesting.

- May I make a suggestion?
- Of course.

Keep the moustache.

You might be tempted
at a later date to shave it.

You'll think, "Ah, it'll grow back.
There's no risk,"

but it will never grow back the same,
and it is marvelous.

And if the point
is to get all the birds...

...not everything need be seized
by force and aggression.

They seemed friendly
and walked back arm-in-arm.

Right. Mm.

So, she hates random k*lling,

but is it random if I think about it
very methodically ahead of time,

and it's actually a political strategy?

As I need trouble on our border,
and I need Sunduk to not try and f*ck her,

'cause I know that guy and he has a way.

Hypnosis is part of it, he told me.

Hmm.

Okay. Yeah.

Arkady, I need you to do
something for me.

- Of course.
- You seem hesitant.

No, no. I, uh...

I promised Tatyana
a night out, but I can do this.

Well, take her with you.

I owe you an apology, Empress.

You owe me many.

When I recall our first meeting,
I wish it had gone differently.

Indeed.

When I recall it, I am first struck
by a cold sensation,

and then the urge to s*ab you 12 times.

I understand completely.

And in the spirit of a fresh start,
I have this gift for you.

Jesus Christ!

- The offending finger.
- I can see that.

The gesture,

grand and aggressive
as it might be, is pointless.

We have completely
different visions for Russia.

And yet we both want to save it.

I still believe we can, together.

It would take immense effort,
when I simply do not have to.

I have found someone
on the same page as me.

Someone who does not
understand the church.

He is a backwoods priest.

He's a good man, but simple.

He understands well enough.

What is that supposed to mean?

You have read Diderot.

Whether God exists or does not,

he has come to rank among
the most sublime and useless truths.

You say dangerous things, Empress.

The church means something
to these people.

You cannot dismiss it.

Not quickly, you're right.

But in time, we might be
introduced to a better way.

- You used two.
- I'm sorry?

Fingers. You used two.

Oh, yes.

I was a little light-headed
after the first.

Although, at this point,
I'm glad I stopped at one.

Indeed.

Me too.

Ah! I had a thought.

Who won't expect anything from you,

won't use it against you in the court,
and is guaranteed to get you off your nut?

I mean, there's almost
no one who fills that criteria, except...

He knows the trick.

Throw this away for me.

Right, so what do we do now?

Do we really have to cut his head off?

Apparently.

Get out.

Ah! I didn't expect to see you today.

Don't talk.

Do the thing with the tongue.

Hmm.