02x05 - Animal Instincts

[bunniefuu]

Something came.

It-it's from...
I know who it's from.

What's it made of? Butter?

Mm. "Because you melt in my... ".

Enough. Thank you.

Is it supposed to look like you?

sh*t.

Pineapple.

At first lick, that sweet sharp taste,

and then the longer it went, it grew
into a sherbet of pine and raspberry.

I've heard I taste of cherries
and custard.

What do you mean you've heard?

Well, didn't you tell me that?

- No.
- I felt a bit strange doing it.

I thought Paul might be worried
by her agitation

so was whispering as I licked,

"It's okay, Paul, it's okay, Paul." Yeah.

We must still un-throne her, my point.

Uh, the great love story aside.

She may sit on your face
but not on your throne.

Uggh!

It was a joke.

And once it was an acceptable jape,

but my love is strong
and my instinct to protect clearly sharp.

Apologies. Hm.

Arkady and I have been strategizing.

- He has made a board.
- Oh.

It works better on a wall.

We've made a list
of factions for you to win over.

The nobles, the m*llitary,
the Church, rich merchants.

Cherries and custard.

Maybe the Emperor said it to me
when we were young.

You did feast on me like a starving man.

Oh, and Catherine's aura
after the moment,

a sunlit haze seemed to hang around her.

- Oh, did something happen between you?
I hadn't heard about that.

Oh, rabbit!

Not to be critical, but can you actually
focus on the "unseating her" plan?

I did not leave George to be trapped
in your rooms the rest of my life.

Relax, Grigor. I'm on it.

Actually, should we not be worried
about being out here?

You are technically escaped.

Ah. It is in hand.

Mm.

Marvelous.

You may go with my many,
many imperial blessings.

And your arse is a credit to our country.

Pugachev, do not steal from us.

An opportunity presents,
I take it, that is just common sense.

To not would mean I'm a f*cking moron,
and I is not that, dear Aunty Aunt.

- Where is he?
- Hunting.

He'll be gone awhile
if you'd like me to f*ck you.

Once was enough.

I thought it would be interesting,
but it was too weird even for me.

Might I suggest, just to be helpful,
I do you from behind,

so you don't see my face,
you merely register my sensual power

while I whisper filthy Cossack oaths
in your delicate ears?

Oh, you're incorrigible.

But no.

Are the guards fooled by you?

I made the tall one give me
a hand job so it seems so.

Ah.

Ah! Aunt!

Look at this.

A partridge which I sh*t
as it was sitting in a pear tree.

What are the chances of that?

Ah, Pugachev, you can f*ck off.

Empty your pockets as you go.

Fucker.

Still, the only good one I have.

Has she been back for more yet?

She has not, but when she comes,

I am ready with a wave of love
that will bring her to her knees.

Look.

A heart made out of rubies.

I also had some pineapple-based floral
arrangements sent to her this morning.

I am now toying with love sonnets,
but trying to get anything to rhyme

with "indescribable lust,"
other than "dust," is immensely difficult.

Her body is saying yes,
now her mind must follow.

Say more.

This is a brilliant woman
whose mind is always seeking answers.

You must create a question mark.

A mystery.

She has an idea of you,
and that idea must evolve.

- You are a befuddling, strange creature.
Everything you are saying is ridiculous.

At the moment you're playing hard to want
when you should be playing hard to get.

- Seems a bit strong.
She came to me unbidden.

And that is a battle won,
but not the w*r.

Did I capture your father?

Oh.

- How, you ask?
- No, I did not ask that and I never...

I knew my body had caught his eye...

Is this some annoying story where he ends
up sodomizing you in a boat or some such?

I will not listen to it.

It is an illuminating story.

He wanted to f*ck me, I knew that,

but I also knew that would be
nine minutes of a busy day for him,

quickly forgotten.

I wanted him to want to know me
and feel like he never could.

What did you do?

At dinner one night as he regaled
the rapt room with tales of his derring-do,

I plucked a moth from the air.

He kept talking, and as he did,

I smiled bemused
and then slowly picked the moth apart

and ate the pieces,

- bewildering and beguiling him.
- A moth?

Then later that night,
he sodomized me in a boat.

- Oh, Jesus!
- It is a jest.

He did not.

Point is, you must make her believe
there is more to you than there is.

More? f*ck me. I'm the full buffet,
what do you mean more?

I mean, let her into the new man
you're becoming.

Uh, demonstrate kung fu, for instance?

She values ideas, so show her so do you.

Hm.

Shoo!

Sh-Shoo!

Shoo!

I have been asked to speak to you
by the Empress.

I know some of you now,
have made love to many of you.

Some softly, some savagely.

This marvelous...

Are they the scientists
you bribed to come back?

...dreams of your Russia...
They were excited to join the new Russia.

- ...leading the world in science and reason.
- And yes, to be paid well for it.

A dreamer perhaps, perhaps not.

Probably so.

But dream we must.

The enlightenment is
warming nations across Europe.

Reason has opened a new world to us.

Who knows what marvels
that change the world will erupt

from the inside of these people's brains?

A cure for syphilis perhaps.

I for one hope so.

How exciting were Voltaire's words?

And that Olga's explanation
of wind power uses in the Netherlands?

Mm. My face was
literally numb with boredom.

Marial, if we are to change
this country,

we must change
the way people here think.

You could just tell them what to do
and sh**t them if they don't.

Well, just saying.
That is the way we've always done it.

Which is why we need Voltaire.

I cannot free the serfs
and give women rights and education

if people do not believe in the
inalienable rights of all, for instance,

and that reason overrides
greed and tradition.

And... I have a more personal issue
to discuss.

Or no, I will just act.

Apparently, the girls' school
saw a big lizard.

A lizard? Great.

- I heard it might have had wings.
- What are you both talking about?

The lizard.

I shall leave you, I must go riding.

We have a problem.

Apparently, Ambassador Sunduk
arrived home, but without his head.

What do you mean without his head?

I mean he had it,
but it was no longer attached to his body.

Our treaty proposal stuffed
in his neck hole.

- What?
- They have unsurprisingly taken this as an affront and a f*ck you.

We didn't do it!

I will send our ambassador
to make that point.

Bandits, I assume.
Those roads are a nightmare.

But they already had a dim view of you,
so this does not help.

- They will be making plans to w*r.
We should att*ck them.

Soon as possible.

No. I will not be dragged into a w*r
that makes no sense.

Let me run this.

Your w*r is my business, and you agreed
I could run it as my business,

"all g*ns blazing," you said to me.

And when we are at w*r, you shall have
your way with our blazing g*ns,

but we are not.

Uh, send the Sultan a carriage full of gold
bullion and ask for an audience with me.

I will meet him.

Well... why not just tell him
you fear a fight?

Let him take Orlo back to Constantinople
to eat in a salad?

You have made your feelings known,
Velementov.

No, I feel I have barely started.

And I feel you have finished,
so you have.

Orlo, I have something to do.

Do you want to talk to the parents
about the lizard?

Am I the Empress of Russia
or a gamekeeper?

I have something to do.

Which I must do. I just must.

- And so I will.
- What?

You...

This is, this is madness.

No, it's, it's clear who did it.

What?

They did it themselves.

To justify a w*r
and rile their people up.

Open your eyes, Orlo.

General!

Good morning.

Morning.

I wanted to talk to you
about the party last week.

Hm.

Sorry?

The, um...

- Are you reading?
- Galileo.

- It's interesting.
- Hm, right.

What is your topic of concern?

The events following the party.

Hm. The fight between Bulkov and Yakov
where Yakov bit Bulkov's nut sack off?

No.

Your tongue on my bud.

Huh. I recall it. Yes.

What of it?

I just don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

In what way?

In what it meant.

I am a busy Empress
with few activities beyond my work

and a line between me and the court that
must be preserved to maintain my power,

and I was also very hung over
with a terrible headache,

so you seemed the most efficient way
to get my needs met.

Seems ruthless and clever, so very you.

- It was in no way personal.
- Disagree.

I'm sure you f*cked a hundred women

who meant nothing
but the sating of longing.

As we are in love,
it is not an apt analogy.

We are not in love.

You are my prisoner,

and I perhaps overstepped
the boundaries of our relationship.

Apologies.

This is what will one day happen.

You will walk in here, weeping,
fall to your knees,

broken by your noble failure
to change Russia.

I will lift you from the ground,
look you in the eye, tell you I love you,

kiss you softly on the mouth,

feel you press your lips
back against mine,

our bodies will harden against each other

as we feel passion
break free within us.

And we will rip at each other's clothes
like time itself is about to end

and we cannot get
to each other before it does.

Then, I will lift you on to the table

and for a moment we will just stop

and feel our hearts b*at
and the air around us still.

Then, as I enter you,
we will feel a rush,

that of ecstasy, that of being home.

For that is what we are to each other,
and you will know it.

As I already do.

You are the funniest.

Mm. You have cheered me.

My point, it was a one-time thing
fueled by practicality

and confusing pregnancy fluids
unbalancing me.

I hope you understand,
I don't mean to...

Shh!

Reading.

I have no idea how that went.

- Yes?
- I just wanted to look at you

and remember all the terrible things
you have done.

Remember when you nearly drowned me?

Ha. Nostalgia indeed.

And yet look at us now.

Happily at table together,
our baby resting in your belly,

an orgasm in your throat ready to unleash
at the flick of my tongue.

I don't want that, thank you.

That was my f*cking point earlier

if words could actually penetrate
your delusions.

Of course,
but know that I am at your whim.

- I have no whim.
I am a creature of reason not whim.

Just to say, if it makes you happy,
I'm all for it.

Good day!

- How big though?
- Ten feet.

And it just stared at me.

Can't blame me for that.

Are you flirting with me?

I-I don't know, I've never done it.

Am I?

- It's a weird time to do it.
- Sorry.

Distracting though, in a good way.

Miss?

It had wings and I sh*t at it,
point blank, and nothing.

Its hide like a, a, a dragon.

That's what he said when I found him.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

- There is a dragon in court.
- There's an idiot too. I'm looking at him.

I saw it!

Its eyes, dead
and staring but somehow speaking.

Speaking eyes.

- But not.
- Mm.

He has the DTs.

I have seen monsters many times.

He needs four sh*ts of vodka
and a light pounding.

- I know what I saw.
- Mm.

Drink.

I know what I saw...

Uggh!

- You with us?
- It was a winged monster!

A f*cking demon from scriptures!

- The girls saw it too.
- Father.

- Have you heard?
- I have.

- A lizard?
- It's a demon.

It looks like demons you see in books.

Tell me what it looked like.

Lady Marial! A delight
to have you ride with us again.

Oh!

Shakey?

Marial?

Lady Marial.

You made it back.

I did.

It's good to see you.

Is your hair supposed to be
a humorous talking point?

Don't throw stones
when you look like a tiny turnip.

Want your f*cking horse or what?

My apologies. She is a useless c**t.

I know.

I used to bunk with her.

None of the ladies will have her,
so they're stuck with her.

Orlo, what is going on?

The lizard. People think it might be
an omen as well, so bit of panic.

- An omen?
What the f*ck are you talking about?

- It's a winged demon, Orlo.
Why are you deluding yourself?

- What?
- Empress, we have a problem.

I believe this, or something like this,
is what they have seen.

- The lizard?
- It looked like that!

This is what the girls drew.

I believe it is an omen.
It is written.

I need prayer groups all over
the palace in clusters of ten.

They need to be burning sage and chanting.

- An omen?
- Or it is straight devilry.

It may just be the devil.

- This is f*cking ridiculous.
We just hunt it!

The first to k*ll it should be gifted
a thousand rubles and its head.

Empress, what say you?

I say everyone calm down!

Calm down.

An animal of some sort is loose.

What do we know?

It has not att*cked anyone.

It is unknown to those who have seen it.

Let us apply science
and reason to the situation.

I will get the scientists from the
academy to interview all who have seen it

and try to ascertain what this animal is
and how to deal with it.

The lizard, if that is what it is,

will be found and dealt with,
rest assured.

Velementov, get your men
to go through the palace and find it.

Yeah, um, half of my men
won't go after it in case it is an omen.

This is insane.

- Not really.
I have had many omens on the b*ttlefield.

My first victory, I was on my way
to att*ck through a ravine.

Straight down the middle.

That night, I awoke to a sound...

I went out into the night...

...a donkey was throwing up blood.

I sent a forward scout.

He discovered that they were ready
for an att*ck from that direction.

We rerouted, pincered them.

That is not an omen.

If a donkey vomiting blood
is not an omen, what is it?

A very sick donkey.

My mother told me that
in the week before I was born,

a dozen white doves landed
outside our house

and stayed there
until the day I was born.

- The whole village still talks of it.
- Orlo?

I don't think it was an omen,
but I mean some villagers did.

Like I was special.

But we had a pecan tree so
sometimes in season, birds would often...

Velementov, go find it and k*ll it.

att*ck the lizard, ignore the Ottomans.

Understood.

I'm worried his love for Catherine
is a brake on our plans.

And we cut a man's head off
for nothing if we do not win.

And that was so much harder
than you would think.

- It was the bone.
- Uh! Nightmare neck bones.

He needs to be got off Catherine
and back on plan.

He needs a distraction.

A lover maybe.

Could we not just have our own plans?

Like find him a lover,
someone we trusted,

that was almost one of us.

Hm?

If we just k*ll her, he has some grief,
cries about it for a bit.

You k*ll her, you'll have some grief,

from him stuffing
your eyeballs up your arse.

We just look for opportunity.

- Seen a lizard?
- A what?

Now, Manchego or brie?

Well, you decide.

Oh.

Oh! Hello.

Who are you?

What are you? Uh...

Oh, I don't like that look.

Is that for me or the mouse?

So many ideas
we must unpick in this country.

I mean omens, really?

- Crazy.
Usually, they're much more specific.

But before my mother got smallpox,
I saw a chicken covered in bees.

And I knew someone I loved
was in trouble.

Right.

Uh, here's a small thing I may have
inadvertently not mentioned.

After the party last week,
I did something.

Well, had something done to me,
but at my behest, an order really,

and obviously very hung over,
most likely still drunk actually,

and also, I am pregnant and apparently
that does things to your bile and blood.

Oh, is that a rose?

Mm, mm.

Cravings.

What did, what did all that mean?

I got gone down on.

- By Peter.
- What?

It was a one-off thing driven by
a number of the aforementioned factors.

I have spoken to him
of its one-off nature.

- Nipped it in the bud.
- So to speak.

Funny.

There was only one problem
with the whole thing.

Only one?

My desperate desire
for him to do it again.

Oh, he's a f*cking monster.

Marial...

It is like being sh*t
from a cannon into the darkest sky

and watching stars blink on
in their thousands around you.

Oh.

A very lot of unexpected
revelations going on.

I'm stunned.

You hate him.

I'd say he's evil except he's too stupid.

Find it?

It found us.

Oh, Elizabeth. Are you all right?

I am fine.

Took a chunk.

- Opium.
- Opium?

Oh, haven't had that in a few years.

That is a deliciously dreamy sedation.

Take some and then three lovers
and it is quite the experience.

Who is on me, in me, oh, am I at sea,

oh, in a tub, wearing fur.

What did it look like?

It is a beautiful beast to behold.

I have my scientists
working on what it is.

Oh, it's a crocodile.

What? How do you know?

Well, at first, I was so shocked,
I didn't know what it was.

And then I realized I have seen them
in books of the Americas.

Fascinating.

There's a book on the table.

- Oh!
- A crocodile.

Oh, thank God
it did not k*ll you.

I thought he would,
but it seemed he preferred my mouse.

Alas, little Orestes,
swallowed in a snap.

Then off he went.

- Orlo, gather the court.
- Why?

We know what it is, so we must go
tell the court we know what it is

and put this omen business
back in its box

with everything else
from the 15th century.

They may feel safer to gather outside.

However.

Basil, stand with me.

Of course, Empress.

The scientists at the academy have
identified this lizard as a crocodile,

a species of North American river animal.

It eats small creatures and can only be
k*lled by stabbing it in the eyes.

Ooh!

Velementov
is searching for this lost creature,

and I assure you he will find it.

But above all, know it is a real creature

and not an omen or a sign.

Father Basil, don't you agree?

It seems it is real
and that we know it is a crocodile.

That doesn't mean
it's not an omen, of course.

That is in fact exactly what it means.

- How did it get here?
- And why is it here?

This is why it suggests omen.

Let us just deal with the fact it is.

That is the only actual fact here.

God sends signs that will
make us sit up and take notice.

He is speaking to us, and we must listen.

No, we must be rational people, not
driven by superstition and foolish ideas.

We must be led by science and reason.

Could it be to do with the Empress?

She is new.

The omen has appeared
shortly after her reign begins.

It's not an omen!

The new archbishop says it might be,
and he speaks for God.

No, he doesn't.

Let us all calm down.

Exactly!

Let me speak to this a moment.

There are such things as omens,
and there are such things as crocodiles.

And sometimes a crocodile is
just a crocodile.

I believe this is what you
are saying, Patriarch.

Which is this? Who is to say?

Only God.

And as Patriarch, the only one among us
who has a direct relationship with God,

I will go find out if it is an omen.

Perhaps relating
to our new Empress' rule

and the fact that she is
an interloper from elsewhere

come to wreak havoc on Russia...

Which is one possible interpretation.

Or perhaps it is something else.

Merely a lost creature who was lost
on a boat from the Americas

and somehow, illogically,
ended up lost in our court.

I will go and commune with God
and let you know when God has spoken.

Calm yourselves, lock your children away,

and pray relentlessly, as that is
the only real protection from His wrath,

and I will reveal all soon.

Amen.

Amen.

You!

Oh, hello.

I thought that went well.

Basil did a good impression
of Judas, didn't you think?

A simple backwoods priest
out of his depth.

- You brought it in here!
- A crocodile?

Where would I get a crocodile?

Put it in a carriage from America?

I imagine it wasn't always that size.

It's a shame we're always trying
to destroy each other

when we're really
the only truly brilliant people here.

Bastard.

Mother never used that exact term,
but not inaccurate.

- How?
- It's a funny story.

Years and years ago, a monk missionary
brought it back as a baby,

lives in a hermit order up
in the Caucasus.

Raised it. Fed it mice and rabbits.

Lived happily together apparently.

Power of love and all that, I suppose.

Touching when you think about it.

I'd forgotten all about it, but I was
thinking how I could deal with you,

and it popped into my head,
a vision from God.

What do you want?

It's not me. What does God want?

Fine, what does God want?

Three things.

One, you get rid of Basil
and agree never to k*ll me.

Two, you make the Russian church
the only church in Russia again.

And three, you come and meet God.

Repeat three because it seemed mad.

Everything you say seems mad,
but this had another level on it.

If we are to live in uneasy harmony,
I would like you to know God.

And He's coming for tea soon, is He?

- We will go to Him.
- Of course we will.

How rude of me.

Or, I come in here tomorrow
having communed with Him

and destroy you
in the eyes of half the court

and let the word
filter out to the regions.

It will not unseat you,

but no one will follow your agenda
as it will be the Devil's agenda.

And it will erode you until
you are pretty dust on the wind.

Archie... always does love the extreme.

He's showing you his strength.

The Church has power
in that it holds the people's minds.

But he doesn't seem
to want to destroy me.

Just push me back.

He did try to make peace, I suppose.

Cute.

It's pretty simple
how we deal with it, isn't it?

We k*ll him.

Let's k*ll Basil too because he threw you
under the carriage out there.

I cannot k*ll Archie.

It will look like the omen was right
and I was trying to stop him revealing it.

I cannot k*ll Basil
as it will look the same.

He has us in a pincer movement.

We can wriggle, but how do we break free?

- I thought the answer was next.
- More a summation of the position.

- Helpful.
- Thanks.

- Sarcasm.
- Understood.

We need to find and k*ll the crocodile.

Velementov.

On my way.

Elizabeth, can you teach someone else
the tongue trick for me?

- Why?
- I let him do it to me.

Gosh.

What exhilarating and surprising news.

Now I am reacquainted with the taste,
I long for more.

Marvelous.

- Good for you.
- But not from him.

- Why not from him?
He is the safe choice.

He has unnerving ideas of our love.

But you are not in love with him.

A woman should know how
to let a man suffer his delusions

whilst harvesting the fruit
she needs from his farm.

Give in to your body.

Your mind is safe,
your heart impregnable.

So why not?

You are up?

Yes.

I am making Galileo planets
out of boiled eggs for Paul.

Chicken egg for Mars,
ostrich egg for Jupiter.

We can hang them up.

Then when he is sick of them,
make a sauce gribiche.

Cute.

What brings you here so late?

Ah. I could not sleep.

And wished to tell you, in case
you had not heard, it's not a big thing,

but there's a crocodile loose in court.

- Oh, I heard about that.
Probably an omen from God.

It is not an omen from God!

He might be mad His chosen one
is not in charge.

Why are so few people in this court
led by reason?

You seem tense, verging on overwrought.

Heavy is the crown.

You mean uneasy.

I do?

"Uneasy is the head that wears
the crown," it is a piece of Shakespeare.

No, I actually mean heavy.

Often if I wore the crown,
it would hurt my neck and back

and give me sh**ting pains all night,
wondered if that was it.

- It is not.
- Hm.

It should not be so hard.

I'm just trying to get people to...

Think like you?

Yes!

Your arrogance is breathtaking.

My ambition is breathtaking.

You could just sh**t a few people,
then the others tend to follow.

Thanks for the advice,
clearly served you well.

Father used to say
you must lead by instinct.

Ah, but what is instinct?
It is heart and head.

Neither should ever lead, they must be
fused like a two-headed turtle.

I however led by cock and sword.

Which is why you failed.

Indeed.

An interesting insight.
I will note it down.

Are you actually noting it down?

I am.

Anything else?

It would be for the good of Russia.

Calm me for the decision-making process
to be as well thought through as possible.

What would?

I need exact words as I am not
a smart man, as oft pointed out by you.

You understand it would be a purely
physical action of cause and effect,

not to be misread as anything else.

Well, as soon as I know exactly what
it is you're saying, I am at your whim.

It is not a whim, it is a rational
response to a confluence of circumstances.

And by that you mean...

Lick me.

Needed a cherry.

Ah.

You're not scared to walk the halls?

Danger lurks apparently.

Not afraid of danger.

Really?

Going to k*ll it, Smolny?

- It's a prize.
Just f*ck knows where it is.

It's peaches.

Remarkable.

No need to talk.

Must go.

Could you k*ll it?

What? The crocodile?

Yes. If it is just gone, disappeared
from court, the idea disappears too.

Who kills better than me?

Exactly my thought.

And the irony of suddenly
wanting that talent?

Swallowed whole for expedience.

The scientists say
you must s*ab it in the eyes.

Fun.

I can just come find you
when I've done it.

I would like to see it
and not have you roaming the palace alone.

Hold my hand.

I'm not scared.

And I'm not holding your hand.

Well, if we see it,
I will have a split second to act.

If I'm not sure where you and Paul are,
I will spend that split second

making sure you're all right
and will be k*lled.

If I have your hand, I will know.

I will act on instinct.

Soft hands.

I remember that
from when we first danced.

I remember how much I hated you,
and yet you could dance.

Mm. k*lling, dancing, eating:
My many talents.

I meant p*ssy, by the way, eating.

I know you did.

Patriarch.

Father Basil.

Shouldn't you be outside,

burning sage and reading scripture?

I have several vigils running all night.

Good to know. Very reassuring.

I feared I angered the Empress today.

Oh, merely wrong footed her
with the truth.

What else are you here for?

Should I apologize to her?

Personally, I wouldn't.

Your truth is everything.

I was not backing down,
just seeking peace between us.

Would you like to pray together?

Not really.

You should go tend
the sage burning vigils.

Those fires can get out of hand.

- I am happy to roam around all night.
I'll eventually find the fucker.

No, you tried. Archie has me.

Mm. It's like the raven.

Exactly.

You saw that all the time, didn't you?

Of course. I think
like an Emperor. Strategy.

Surprising, but seemingly true.

What would you do?

- You want my advice?
- So, I can do the opposite.

I would kick the sh*t out of Archie,

burn down the entire palace
with him and the crocodile still in it,

thereby letting everyone know
not to f*ck with me

and there are no limits
to my f*cking rage.

And then rebuild the palace
with less gold and bigger rooms

so we could ride horses inside.

Love it.

- I'm always here for you and Paul.
Know that.

Strangely enough, I believe you.

Okay.

I'll go meet God.

Velementov.

Last truffle of the season.

I thought you'd enjoy it.

- In f*cking deed.
- Mm.

Fine fellow you are.

If I gave out medals anymore,
you would have one.

I think, I think I'm hallucinating.

Before, I thought I saw you
walking the hall with the Empress.

Ah, yes, the wife and I enjoy
a nighttime stroll.

She needs my sage advice,
matters of state and whatnot.

Bullshit.

She... she doesn't listen to anyone.

I jest, of course.

She came to me to get me
to k*ll the crocodile,

as I'm well known as
the best strategic k*ller in the land.

I'm a k*ller.

I'll k*ll the f*cking crocodile!

She doesn't...
does she not think I can do it?

You are blusteringly drunk
and smell monstrous.

Huzzah! Uh, eat a fig.

Che...

Any word on how Sunduk spoke
to the Sultan of her?

H-He didn't speak of her 'cause
they cut his f*cking head off.

They cut his head off?

Aw, poor Sunduk, lovely guy.

f*cking hell.

So, they will w*r with us.

Are you planning an att*ck
before they do?

We should be.

Ah, my father always said,

as the other man gets the first inkling
there is a fight in the offing,

you should have your Kn*fe in his liver
and your knee in his balls.

Ha! Peter the Great.

Great by name.
Great by f*cking name.

- To Father.
- To Father.

To Peter the...

Ooh!

I...

I may...

I may lie down...

just a little lie...

Thank you.

Unhappy, you say?

Generals need to be fighting someone.

You do not give them someone to fight,
they'll fight you.

That's very pithy.

Mm. I'm writing new sayings
down all the time.

And you thought I wasn't
on my game, Grigor.

I was wrong to doubt you.

f*cking wrong.

I am in inspired form.

We will shake her from her pedestal,
and she will fall into my arms.

Did I tell you how soft her hand is?

You. Come with me.

Marial. Perfume stinks.

As does yours.

Don't play dumb with me, Shakey.
You know what you've done.

Your little bit with the limping.

Walking out into the middle of the courtyard
to eat crotch bread in front of me.

- A good summation of my day.
But your point is?

You're annoying me.

You used to eat crotch bread yourself.

I know.

So, we go to meet God?

Indeed.

I am actually excited for you.

The idea of God at work
is what has grabbed our people,

and it did not grab them, they grabbed
it, for it is in them and they know it.

The crocodile is merely an idea
that there is something beyond ourselves.

Okay, where's God? Or am I to be
lured somewhere and att*cked?

- Let me tell you a story.
- Must you?

My mother was extremely, extremely fat.

Huge.

Enormous woman.

Special furniture had to be built,
our carriages braced,

and to see maids wrestle her
into a gown the size of a tent

was like being at a French farce.

Her hands never touched me that I did not
walk away smeared in chocolate or pâté.

Picture painted.

See, she couldn't feel full, ever,
no matter what she ate, how much.

Always she felt empty, and sad.

But I would look at her knowing
I had a love she could not see

that would fill her in an instant
if she could've seen it.

And then I was a man at court
in a rabid whirl

of sick and savage consumption:
Alcohol, women, men.

Desperately filling my nights
and waking each morning

untangling myself from someone
and feeling the emptiness,

like a cold shadow breaking through me.

And I heard a voice
telling me to come home.

God.

And I realized God would fill me,
and I would never have to search again.

I only wish my mother
were alive to share that feeling.

Shall we?

Here?

Here will be fine.

Eat the key to the doorway.

- Now what?
- Now we wait.

Are you actually excited for me?

I am.

You are the strangest of men.

You don't even know the half of it.

Did you see him?

I saw a oneness.

A unity of things.

I was a plant and an ant...

No, but did you see Him?

I saw that there is love
and we are all a part of that love.

- Like that, you mean?
- No!

An old man with a beard,

and he, he shimmers,

and when he speaks,
his voice booms like thunder.

I didn't see that.

I saw a shining light.

Yes! An old man
and his heart pours forth light!

Ah.

No. Just light.

But I saw love.

And I see your love for God
and for me...

which I never saw before.

And I have disrespected it.

Perhaps we are each guilty of that.

We are fighters.

Perhaps that hides
the truth of us both at times.

They love God, my people.

You showed me that.

Thank you.

But their thinking should not be
controlled by these ancient terrors.

There's a modern world, Archie.

Your church could be part of it.

God wants me to serve you.

I-It's strange and at times inexplicable.

Together we would be formidable.

We could be the grit that makes
the pearl for each other.

And I need you.

You know them, and you truly love them.

I will not k*ll you.

You have seen the light.

- Mm.
- Even if not God.

Now, how do we get rid
of this crocodile?

You must have had a plan!

Well, I had faith God would
provide one when the time came.

Not really a plan though, is it?

So, that was 11 dead patients in a day,

which was definitely a blow
to the confidence.

But it sounds like only six
were your fault.

True.

Well, it's good of you
to feel bad about it.

- Foolish really. Everyone dies.
I can just stave it off for a bit.

The whole doctoring thing is actually
f*cking up people's view of death.

People are starting to get
this attitude that death's a tragedy.

- Childish.
- Indeed.

In light of the inevitability
of our deaths,

shall we take some opium
and indulge in a little light bondage?

Why not?

Elizabeth, I was walking back
and realized something.

It chose the mouse
and not you, did it not?

It did.

Vinodel, I need some of that opium.

Sorry for my curt response
to your reluctance to go to w*r.

Apology accepted.

It is not a lust for blood.

You know, I, I feel
for the soldiers lost,

but I also understand w*r
is a place where men are found.

They look at death, they understand life
deep in their marrow.

They, they are asked questions

with impossible answers
and yet find them.

They embrace the, the dark in themselves,

and so, so understand the light.

And a country, well, it's,
it's the same for it.

It will define us.

Not going also defines us.

I just know it is my fate, that battle.

I've known it forever.

Perhaps I will bring you a new fate.

Wouldn't call it fate
if there were new ones.

Now we k*ll it?

No. Not the animal.

But we do k*ll the idea.

Court, I have communed
with the Lord our God.

And the crocodile is indeed an omen.

It is an omen of what we face
to change Russia,

a prehistoric creature, all anger
and thoughtless disregard for life,

anarchic and selfish, lacking reason.

These are the things we
must face down metaphorically.

And I have the crocodile!

This is a victory for reason and science.

The crocodile
bit Duchess Elizabeth

but preferred her mouse.

We cannot get
close enough to s*ab its eyes,

and it is otherwise
virtually impregnable.

Unless it has eaten
34 opium-laced mice!

Then it is sleeping like a baby.

Huzzah!

This is the Russia we create.

It will be taken back to its home.
We will go about our li...

Its eyes are open!

k*ll it!

k*ll it!

Huzzah! Catherine the Great!

Huzzah!

Huzzah.

- Are you sure about this?
- Of course.

Really? Just because you feel bad?

It's crazy, I agree.

Call if you need.

Which you will.

Thank you, Shakey.

We will have to work
on those tea pouring skills.

I can safely say
they're not going to get better.

I like cakes and cream for breakfast.

And men like thin women.

So, rethink that.

I thought you'd want
to know we got the crocodile.

I heard. It was God's plan.

Mm. Perhaps.

Oh.

Can I ask a favor after?

- I am not returning the favor.
It is clear accommodation.

No. I, I just miss some things
by being in here.

As you know, I am
a powerfully brilliant dancer

and am unused
to not exercising this brilliance.

You wish to dance?

If it pleases you,
and sort of even if it doesn't.

We would need music.

I have music in my head.

That does not help.

You are...
You don't like it?

I have different pieces,
but I felt like something lively.

It is fine.

Something lively is good.

Shall we do that first?

Brilliant.

Enough.