06x03 - King Pong

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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06x03 - King Pong

Post by bunniefuu »

Whoa.
Where are you going?

I have to put
a load of laundry in.

No. No. We're
in the perfect position.

I can see the TV.
You can breathe.

That never happens.

Look, Doug, I'll do the wash,

and then we'll get right back
the way we were, I promise.

You're-you're dreaming.
It'll never be the same.

I have to do this, OK?

It's the beginning of the
work week, and once again,

your underpants have me
against the ropes.

And I appreciate the effort,
but right now, I'm comfy.

- Shh-shh-
- Doug!

Easy. Easy. Easy.

You see, the more you
struggle, the more I squeeze.

I'm like an anaconda.

OK! All right! OK!

A few more minutes.

All right.

That's my hot pocket.
It has to be rotated.

Excuse me.

Seriously, is our mailman
a boy or a girl?

Because I'm leaning
towards boy again.

You know what? I really
can't focus on that right now,

'cause I'm still sitting
here with dry cocoa puffs.

My dad's not back
with the milk yet?

The market's blocks away,
and now we're coming up on...

An hour and a half.

Are you sure you don't
want to try the skim milk?

Just trying to think
outside the box.

Where the hell is he?

I don't know. Do you think
something could've happened to him?

- Doug!
- No, nothing happened.

I'm back.

All right,
well, where's the milk?

Oh, I've got something
much better than milk.

A ping-pong table!

Dad, what happened?

Well, I was halfway
to the market,

when I came upon the
Betchers' garage sale.

Luckily, Douglas had given me a ,
and this little honey

was calling to me
like a French whore.

OK. You know what? Hold his legs,
'cause I'm gonna milk him.

Oh, hey, did you hear that Denise
got promoted at the bowling alley?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

That's great.

You know, with her,
uh, making more money,

we can finally afford
to get a nice place together,

and I can...

Finally ask the big question.

What? "Can I touch 'em?"

Anyway, I'm going to go
surprise her at work.

See you later
and this was fun.

All right.

I see the table
has quickly become

the recreational hub
of the neighborhood.

It's something to do.

So...

You up for a game?

You want to play me?

I should warn you.

Of all miniature paddle games,
this is my forte.

I'll take my chances.
Here. You can serve.

OK, gramps, any way we can speed
things up here a little bit?

All righty.

That's -zip.

You didn't even get the paddle
off your shoulder that game.

You're not better than me, OK?

I just keep losing the ball
in the white of your legs.

Oh, no. You're soft
from playing

in your cozy, shag-carpeted
rec rooms.

I learned ping-pong
on the streets!

You either got good
or you d*ed!

Just serve.

Wasn't ready.

OK, fellas, that's bud lights
and nachos, so, that's... . .

Out of .

Keep it.

Thanks!

- Oh, hi!
- Hey, sweetums.

Um, is this the big promotion
you were telling me about?

You're a cocktail
waitress now?

Yeah.
It all happened so fast.

It doesn't even
seem real to me.

Hey, what's the matter?

I don't know. I mean, are you
sure this is such a good idea?

Yeah. Why not?

Well, I-strange men
and liquor...

Quick-draw
lotto machine.

This is a faster lifestyle
than you're used to.

Honey, if you don't
want me to do this,

then I won't, but the only
reason I took this job

was so I could
make enough money

to start
a real life with my...

Midnight swordsman.

Hey, sweetheart, where
are those hot wings?

So, what do you think?

I think you've got
some hot wings to get.

Yeah. How do you like
that, old man?

What? Are you
gettin' scared?

You getting scared?

Um... I am.

Hey.

What's going on, baby?

If I could just
develop a k*ller serve,

he'll never have
a chance to do his slam.

That's all the old man's
got. That's it!

That's what this is about,
my dad b*ating you at ping-pong?

Yeah.
It's very annoying.

How can I be b*at by anybody
who eats soup like this?

Doug, what does it matter?

I mean, you're bigger
and smarter

and live in the aboveground
part of the house.

Can't you just let him
have this one thing?

Come on, just play with me.
Practice. Come on.

Fine.

Can we stop now?

Let's just finish this rally.

OK.

Come on!

Look alive!

This is really fun,
but I think I should be going.

All right. Would you
Al least hit one back?

Will you stop?!

This is just like
dodgeball all over again!

What's the matter with her?

I don't know.
She's just a mess in general.

Hey.
How's your shoulder?

You hit the car pretty
hard on my last slam there.

It's fine.

Well, just cover it up
before you go to work.

I don't want people to
think I smack you around.

OK.

- Hello, Douglas.
- Hey.

Or should I call you
"soft serve"?

You see the double meaning?

You clearly love
your soft ice cream,

and in ping-pong your--

Oh, god.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were so
sensitive about me b*ating you.

It's not you.

- What do you mean?
- I'm over losing to you.

You? You're a freak of nature.

Your hands are times
the size of a normal man's.

It's Carrie.

Ohh.

So, she's been
cheating on you?

- Is it Pedro?
- No.

She's not cheating on me.

She's b*ating me at ping-pong.

Ohh.

I'm sorry.
I don't follow.

It's just...

I knew what I was getting
when I married Carrie.

She's... in charge.
She runs the show...

And I'm good with that.
It's just...

Sports has always
been my thing, you know?

And now that she can b*at me at
a game as stupid as ping-pong,

it's like...

Like you might as well pull up your
testicles like a venetian blind?

Something like that, yeah.

I mean, how the hell
did she get so good, anyway?

How do you think?
I taught her.

- Then teach me.
- What?

I want you to train me...
To b*at her.

I haven't trained
anyone in years.

Come on. I need you.

OK, but remember
this, Douglas:

If I train you, we're going
to be doing things my way.

I know,
that's why I asked you.

Right.

Here we go. beers and...

Another vodka...

For "Mr. Gropey."

OK, um, I gotta tell you.

I really don't
like you working here.

Spence, I told you.
I'm doing this for us.

Oh, yeah. That's why you leaned
over right in those guys' faces

and pushed
your plumpies together.

It's called
"the lean and squeeze."

If you were in the industry,
you'd know that.

Wait. Wait.
So, you're not quitting.

- Is that what I'm hearing?
- That's right.

Fair enough, but I think
I should let you know

that if you're going to keep letting
strange men paw all over you,

I may have to get
out there myself.

There's a lot of women lined
up to ride Spence mountain.

Well, I hope they enjoy
a short, bumpy ride.

Excuse me.

Come on! At least
put some wood on it.

I'm playing with a spoon!

Of course you are.

If you practice with a spoon,

then the paddle will seem
like the size of Texas.

OK. That's it.
You know, I'm-I'm done.

Douglas...

I'm very close to giving
you another laps.

No, I'm not running around
the ping-pong table anymore.

All right. Calm down.
You're hysterical.

Let's get back to basics.

Just show me your stroke.

OK...

That was a train wreck.

What's wrong with it?

Come here.

What are you doing?

I'm making myself
one with you.

Ohhhh.

Can you make yourself
one without gyrating?

That's it.
Nice and easy.

Like you're spanking
an unruly child.

You're too tense.
That's your problem.

Release.

Release into me!

OK, that's it!
Stop it! Stop!

No! No! You were
just right that time.

Now, put down the spoon
and pick up the paddle.

Wow. That was-
that was pretty good.

Maybe you know
what you're talking about.

You bet your bippy I do.

Now, I want you
to have a light meal,

listen to the tapes
I made you,

in bed by : ,
and obviously...

No shimmy sham.

- Hey, baby.
- Hi.

What are you doing?

Just listening to some tunes.

Be the paddle.

Is someone gonna get that?

I'm in the middle
of something.

Hello?

As a matter of fact, yes,
I have been unhappy

with my long-distance
provider.

- Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.

What do you want for dinner?

Well, I don't know
about the main course,

but for the appetizer,
are you up for a little...

Ping... pong?


OK, not sure if you're talking
about sex or the actual game.

Come on. Ping-pong.

Uh... nah,
I don't feel like it.

Just one game before dinner.

Nah.

Why not?

Because, Doug, you don't
like losing to me, OK?

And I don't want this
to become a problem between us.

Problem?

I'm a -year-old man.

I don't get my self-worth from
b*ating a girl at ping-pong, nnnkay?

Really? Is that why you've been
training with my dad for weeks?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Doug, all my wooden
spoons are gone.

And it worked!
I can b*at your ass now!

If we go out there and play,
you're just gonna lose again,

and then who are you
going to get to train you?

Mr. Miyagi?

Meet me in the garage...

If you got the plums.

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

That's to ,
advantage Doug Heffernan.

Nothing short of a massive
stroke can deny him victory.

Well, the way you've been
wheezing, I like my chances.

Now serve. Let's go.

Coming right up.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh-ho ho ho!

Oh! Oh!

Winner!

Loser! Oh!

Glad you could take me up
on the invitation.

Oh, I really needed
a night like this.

Oh, um...

Mmm-mmm.

And how are you folks
this evening?

Uh, we're good,

and I'll tell you what,
uh... Denise,

my lady friend and I
are in kind of a rush,

trying to catch a movie.

Oh, well,
then what can I get you?

I'll have a Heineken on tap,

and, Holly,

I peg you as a Brandy and
soda girl, am I right?

Well, yes, but no soda
and make that Brandy gin.

You're delightful.

OK, be back in a jiff.

Hmm.

Vodka on the rocks.

Thanks.

You know, it's, um...

So warm in here tonight.

Um, do you mind?

Huh?

Oh, yeah!

Ooh!

Oh, that's so much better.

Ooh!

Thanks.

What are you doing?

What do you care? You're
over there with Blondie!

Uh, Spence,
what is going on here?

He's trying
to make me jealous.

Is that true?

Pretty much.

And I thought you were
just being nice to me

to try to get in my pants.

Well, good night to you!

Yeah!

Once again...

Very cute.

And, you know,
to celebrate my victory,

I've decreed a night of sex...

And George Foreman
on biography.

Well, let me know
how that turns out.

Oh.

Sounds like somebody
doesn't like losing so much.

I'm fine with it,
but just do me a favor

and back down the obnoxious
thing a scooch, OK?

But I have so much
to be obnoxious about.

Not really.

- What?
- Nothing.

You said, "not really."
What does that mean?

It doesn't mean anything.

It's gotta mean something.

All right. It means
I let you win, OK?

You let me win?

Wow!

I just b*at you like
a Grand Canyon mule,

and you can't
give me my props.

Very sad.

OK, Doug, whatever you say.

You b*at me.

I did.

You did.

I whipped your butt.

And I'm agreeing with you.

I know you're agreeing
with me. I'm just talking.

I'm allowed to talk
in my own house, OK?

- Yes, you are.
- I know I am. Thank you.

One more game.
Right now.

OK, to .
That was decisive.

I begged you not to do this.

I just can't
believe this. I mean...

I- I trained for weeks.
I called in sick twice.

I'm in big trouble.

All right. All right.
So it's over now.

Can we just get past it?

I did have that one slam.
You almost didn't return that--

That was really good.
Your game has improved.

Yeah, I know.
It has.

Now, I believe that you
decreed a night of...

Sex and, um, something
about George Foreman.

That's when I thought
I was champion.

Well, I'm the champion
now, so I decree it.

Can-can I do something here?

What?

I mean, you're
dominating everything!

Gosh, first it's ping-pong,
now it's sex.

It's official!
I am the woman!

- Will you stop it?
- I can't, OK?!

Why is this
such a big deal to you?

I don't know why it's
a big deal, but it is,

and it's gonna
ruin everything!

OK-oh, all right.
Let me get this straight.

Some marriages, they break up
over money, or someone cheats.

I mean, is our thing
really going to be ping-pong?

Looks that way.

Oh, OK.

Well, at least
it's a good reason.

That'll be fun
calling your folks.

Believe me, they'd understand.

They almost got divorced over
a question on card sharks.

Now, come on.

There's got to be
something we can do here.

There is. I have to b*at
you at ping-pong for real.

And I love you
more than anything,

but I just don't think
that can ever happen.

Right.

You got anything else?

Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

It's - .
Your ball.
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