06x07 - Secret Garden

[bunniefuu]

Hey, stud, we gettin'
dinner anytime soon?

Oh, yeah.
Lookin' good.

We got burger,
burger, chicken...

And their sickly
cousin tofu dog.

Look at this.

You guys are back together.

We're all back together again.

How great is this?

Yeah. Next time
either one of you

feels like your marriage is
broken and empty, walk it off.

Uh, grill went out again.

Is it? That's it. Care,
let's just get a new grill.

We don't need a new grill.

Just do that thing you
do to start it up again.

You mean crank up the gas,
throw on a match,

and dive behind
the trash cans?

Yeah, that.

Come on, let's
just get a new one.

I just saw in
a catalog for bucks

you can get ones with
personalized grates,

and you can burn your
own logo into the meat.

Knicks, Jets, Islanders.

Stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

OK, tell me you wouldn't
love the maybelline logo

seared right
into your pork chop.

Just light it!

Fine. Deac, help me out, would you?

Yeah.

Hey, guess who I have an
appointment with tomorrow at : ?

Who?

Your fancy gynecologist.

Dr. Crawford.
You got in.

Yup. Thanks to your referral and
a year on the waiting list.

So, I'm really gonna love him?

Carrie, there are no words.

I mean, it's like you're
not even at an appointment.

It's like you're having lunch.

I can't wait.

I can't tell you how
many jerks I've been to.

You know that one guy
was actually on the phone,

pricing jaguars while I was...

OK, you ready?
Here we go. All right.

Get set.

Did it light?

I have no idea.

I see a little,
but I'm not sure if it's--

Aah!

Oh, God!

That's it! We're
getting a new grill!

We don't need a new grill.
You just did it wrong.

I don't have any eyebrows!

All right. We'll get you
a new grill, you whiner.

And it's out again.

Deac, just give me a hand.
We'll nuke this stuff.

All right.

Thanks.

Hey, Danny.

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Hey. So, what's goin' on?

You barbecuin'?
Havin' a little party?

No, it's just us
and Deacon and Kelly.

Oh, I get it.
It's a couples thing.

So if I was dating someone,
I would've been invited.

Uh... yeah. Sure.

Cool. Another time, then.

Anyway, I don't
wanna hold you up.

Just wanted you guys
to be the first to know

that I am jumping back into
the small business world.

Great. You got the bankruptcy
paperwork already filled out or--

Would you stop it?
What are you doing, hon?

Gonna be doin' a little
landscaping on the side,

like I did in college.

Just, uh, dropping off some
fliers around the neighborhood.

Thought maybe you guys would
hand out a few to your friends.

Oh.

"The garden of weedin'."

What does that mean? You put
weeds into people's gardens?

No, no. I take 'em out.
It's a good thing.

Why would you even wanna
call attention to weeds?

OK, you're overthinking it.
It's catchy.

It is. And you've seen his patio.

It's gorgeous.

I'd be happy to pass
some of these out.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

OK, we are good to go.

Cool. Okay.
Make some room.

Whoa! Somethin' smelling
good around here, huh?

What've you got, there?
Some burgers, some chicken?

All right.
I'll let you get to it.

OK. Good to see you, Danny.

Bye-bye.

And that's it.
We're done here.

Shut up.

It's over?

Yes, ma'am.

My God.
The time just flew by.

Well, I'm glad to hear
it wasn't too bad for you.

Are you kidding me?
The classical music,

the fur-lined stirrups,
and this...

This gown! What is this,
Egyptian cotton?

-thread count.

Well, can I, like, buy one?

Do you have a gift
shop here or something?

Hey, you're funny.

And, if I might add, you have
a fabulous uterus to boot.

Thank you.

Dr. Crawford.

Uh, yes, Marilyn?

Your : just called.
She's gonna be late.

Sheila Carrasco again?

Yeah.

Tell her she doesn't need
to bother coming in today,

and she can use the time
to find another gynecologist.

So, Carrie,

do you have any other
questions for me,

or anything else you'd
like to discuss?

Well, I'm guessing I shouldn't
be late for my next appointment.

It's not ideal.

OK. Let me just make a few
notes in your chart here.

All right.

You mind if I move your purse?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

"The garden
of weedin'."

What is this, a landscaper?

Yeah, it's
my husband's cousin.

Oh. Is he good?

Well, he's just, uh,

getting back
into the business,

but he has
a real knack for it.

Huh. That could really
work out well for me.

We need a little work
done on our front yard.

But I only wanna spend $ .

Give him a call.
Take a flier.

Great. Thanks.

Feel free to help yourself

to an ice-blended
coffee on your way out.

You know that's not a TV
you're watching, right?

Ha ha ha! Good one.

Actually, for
your information,

I'm on-line doing
a little research.

"Adventures
in meat.com."

It's the charmaster web site.

I'm taking a virtual tour of
the -burner platinum edition.

Where's the grill?

We're in it.
It's a steak-eye view.

Look at this. We're
zooming into the drip tray

and back up to the lava rocks.

Drip tray, lava rocks.

Feels sexy, don't it?

Would you just pick one of these
freaking things and just buy it?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr. Crawford.

Look. Look. Look.
Sauce warmer.

Corn-cob caddy.

Shh! It's
my new gynecologist.

Hey, Doug.
Is Arthur home?

No, he's out now.

Oh, OK. Can you see that he gets this?

A slim-Jim?

Yeah. Yeah, he brought
one on our walk today,

and a couple of the
dogs tag-teamed him

and took it away.

You made a special trip
for this?

He was pretty insistent.

OK, I'll pass it on.

Great, thanks.

- Oh, hey, Hol.
- Hey.

That was Dr. Crawford
calling to tell me

what a great job Danny
did on his front yard.

I guess somebody
was wrong about him.

OK, my idiot cousin
can dig a ditch.

Oh, how I've misjudged him.

Did you just
say Dr. Crawford,

as in
Dr. Roy Crawford?

Is he your gynecologist?

Yeah.

Gosh, I hear he's the best.

I mean, is there any
way you could get me in?

Why? What's wrong
with your guy?

Dr. Ambrose? Well, I saw
him a couple of times,

and then he kept
calling me late at night.

I mean, is there
any way you could

put in a good word
for me with Crawford?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Um.

No. No.

Well-
I can't.

If you just-
I don't want to.

It won't take seconds.

I just don't want to.

OK, thank you.
OK. All right.

Thanks very much.
Thanks.

Your boyfriend's here.

Hey, what's up?

Just came by to thank you

for hooking me up
with the good doctor.

Oh, yeah! I just got
off the phone with him.

He's thrilled.

I know.

And as a token
of my appreciation,

I bought you a prunus persica.

Or, as you kids call
it, an apple tree.

Sweet. You can never
have too many apples.

And you're gonna be buried
in them in about years.

Well, I'm glad
this worked out.

Yeah. Thanks to you, I'm
really getting legit here.

Like an actual business!

Dr. Crawford
will receive his bill

on official garden
of weedin' stationery.

Look, I even got my own logo.

Is that a drawing
of you naked?

No, that's me with a
really big green thumb.

Wait a minute.
This bill is for $ .

Yeah? So?
So?

He only wanted to spend $ .

The job ran over.
It happens.

OK. He's gonna freak
out when he sees this.

He can freak out all he wants.

He got his hedges.
Now I gets my cabbage.

Yeah, and he
drops me as a patient

'cause he's gonna
blame me for this.

Oh, come on.
No, I'm serious.

You don't cross this guy, OK?

Sorry, pal. You're
only charging him $ .

I can't do that.

You're doing it.

I can't! I
already owe it all!

I got all these plants on
credit from the nursery.

I gotta pay my workers.

This thing alone was $ .

You charged him
for my apple tree?!

It's how the business works!

You're a moron!

Don't let me bother you, kids.

Just measuring out
a new spot for my grill.

Sorry, Carrie. The bill
is what it is, all right?

I'm not doing this for
charity. I'm a businessman.

Well, fine. I'm just gonna call
him and tell him not to pay you.

Well, then, I'll sue him.

Or, better yet,
I'll go to his house

and rip out all my plants.

Pardon me.

I can't believe you!

Yeah, well, believe it, baby.

I'm gonna lose
my gynecologist.

Holly's guy
sounded pretty good.

Hey, hon.

Watching a western?

Yeah.

Who made saloon furniture?

Never really held up
during a fight.

And those banisters,

what's the point
of even having one?

Ha ha!

That's why I love you. I never
know what you're gonna say.

Okay, what do you want?

Here's the thing.

I don't know if you heard

what went down
with Danny and I,

but it turns out he's gonna
overcharge my gynecologist

by, like, $ .

Yeah?

OK, now, I'm just throwing
this out there, OK?

I'm just spitballing. I want you
to keep an open mind, all right?

I want us to pay
the extra $ .

OK, cool.
All right.

So I'm just gonna
go scoot on down

to the ATM, all right?

And I'll see you in a minute.

Saloon furniture.
You're crazy, man!

Hey! Hey!

You don't gotta go to the ATM,

I got it right here.
I got it right here.

Not a problem.

Here it is, , , ,

no hundred ever.

Come on, Doug!

No, it's insane. I'm not
paying for Danny's screwup.

Let Danny pay for it.

He can't pay for it.
He doesn't have the money.

Besides, he's a loose Cannon.

He could freak out and leave
a dead shrub in the guy's bed.

Let me just get
the from Crawford,

put it in with our money,

and I'll give it all to Danny.

Nobody has to know anything,
and everybody's happy.

Except for chubby.

Doug... please.

I cannot lose
this gynecologist.

What is it about this guy?

What-what goes on
in that room?

I don't know.
It's everything.

I mean, even the
lighting in there, Doug.

I stayed after
to redo my makeup,

and it came out perfect.

Well, maybe losing your gynecologist
is a good lesson for you.

Maybe next time you wanna
do something nice for Danny,

you'll think to yourself,
"ooh. Last time I did this,

I lost my gynecologist."

Look, I know in a logical
world, it makes no sense,

but I think if you were a
woman, you would understand.

Even if we do
pay the bucks,

that's all the extra money
we got lying around, you know?

How am I gonna
pay for my grill?

Yeah.

Oh... my God.

Come on. We'll just
cancel the new one,

and I'll light the old one.

You never have to touch it.

Great, so I'll still
have my crappy old grill

and a wife
with a smoking head.

Sorry, toots.
Ain't gonna happen.

Hey. Uh, I gotta talk to you about
this danny/ gynecologist thing.

Hey, did you hear about
that? Carrie wants us

to pay $ to Danny,
man. Freakin' crazy.

Yeah, crazy.

I'm gonna need you
to pay that.

What? Why
should I pay it?

Because your cousin
was referred

to Dr. Crawford
by your wife,

who was referred by my wife,

and now my wife's hysterical

that if this thing blows up,

she's going down with Carrie.

What is wrong with you people?

Look, all I know is I just
got back together with Kelly.

I don't need her
running around

crying about losing
her gynecologist.

Sorry, dude, I can't do it.

Oh, you're doing it.

Oh, really?
You're gonna make me?

Maybe I will.

All right, then let's go.

Ow!

You said let's go!

Did not expect that!

I'm sorry, man.

Look, I'm just trying to put
my marriage back together here.

Fine!
I'll do it.

Thank you.

What is it with this doctor?

What do they love
so much about him?

I don't know.
He-he's soothing.

He puts them at ease.

He's like
the vag*na whisperer.

Hey.

How's it going?

Don't worry. Nobody's
trying to light you.

Just gonna
check out your gas flow.

So... how about
them Knicks, huh?

I tell you, I think this year

they're looking
pretty good if they--

I will see you in hell.

Hi, honey.
What are you doing?

Oh, just trying to
cook dinner and not die.

Look, I know
you hate this grill,

but everything
worked out great.

Danny thinks Dr. Crawford
paid for the whole thing.

Dr. Crawford thinks
he only paid $ .

It's over. And
I promise you next year,

I will buy you
an even better grill.

Stop saying grill.

All right, I'm gonna go
cook this meat inside, OK?

Aah!

Honey, there's a message
on the machine.

Did you check it?
No!

Greetings, Americans,

and welcome
to today's moron report.

Seems Dr. Crawford
was so happy with the job

this moron did
in his front yard

that he just hired him
to do his whole backyard.

Huh! Guess he didn't
have any problem

with the $ after all.

Ooh! File this
under "b*rned."

Ow! What was that for?

You're gonna call
Dr. Crawford.

You're gonna tell him you're
sick, tell him you d*ed,

tell him you sliced off your
foot with a garden weasel.

Just get out of it.

Why should I get out
of it? The guy loves me.

He couldn't have been
happier with the job I did.

Because he thought
it cost $ .

What are you talking
about? He paid me .

No, he paid you ,

and Doug and I paid the
rest out of our pockets.

You did?
Yeah.

So Crawford thought I did
all that work for just ?

Again, yeah.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? Uh-oh what?

W - well, I thought he was fine
paying double the estimate,

so I thought
I'd give triple a sh*t.

Oh, my God! You are the
stupidest person alive!

I don't suppose
you guys would be willing

to pay the difference
one more time, would you?

Ow! Same one!

Would you please get your
goldfish out of my bathtub?

All right, they're
not goldfish, OK?

They're Japanese kol,

and they're really
expensive, so hands off.

Whoa, whoa. Are those
kol for Dr. Crawford?

Yeah.
Did he ask for kol?

Not in so many words.

It's one word!

About my bath?

Is this the way
you take a bath?

Yeah.

You look like Ernie
from Sesame Street.

What did I do to you?

I don't--
Nothing. I'm sorry.

What was I thinking?

I- I can't run a business.

Oh, man! Why did I listen
to that fortune cookie?!

I hate me!

All right, all right!
Pull yourself together here.

Call Dr. Crawford.
I will dial.

All right, but I'll
tell you right now.

He's gonna be pretty pissed.

I already dug up his yard and I
may have cut his phone line.

OK, Danny. I guess you have
to go through with this.

But here's how
it's gonna go down.

Look at me.
I can't.

Look at me!

You're gonna give him
exactly what he asked for

for exactly the amount you
told him it was gonna cost,

and it's gonna be
friggin' gorgeous,

or I'm gonna give you
a gynecological exam.

Yeah.

It was funny.

Hey, nice job up there
with the karaoke, my friend.

Oh, thanks, man. And I
wasn't just talking smack.

You do have Bette Davis eyes.

Carrie, this is Dr. Crawford.

Sorry about the connection.
I'm on my cell.

Something's wrong
with my home phone.

Anyway, I'm just calling
because Danny dug up my yard,

but I haven't been able
to get a hold of him since.

I'm going out of town
tonight until Monday,

but if you speak to him,
please leave me a message.

Thanks. Bye!

You let your cousin
do another job for him?

I didn't know until
after he started it.

Well, where is he?

OK. It's A.M. I'm standing
in your gynecologist's backyard

planting a pear tree.

That's right.
And after this,

we have a whole row of
morning glories to plant,

so keep it moving.

Why the hell am I pushing
the damn wheelbarrow?

He's your doctor!

Just keep it down.
How's it going?

Not good. I don't know
what I'm looking at here.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Deacon, what are you doing?

Relax.
The guy's out of town.

I just want
to check out his place.

What's he got
going on in there?

Oh, my God! He's
got vaginas in jars!

I think those are peaches.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can you guys get
back to work, please?

Aw, man.

I never felt like
less of a man in my life.

Oh, this is just a joke!

Turn it off!

I don't know where
it's probably on a timer!

You guys, don't worry
about it. Just keep digging.

What?! What? It's just water!

What are you, a big baby?

Oh, my God, look at this!

He's got the charmaster
! He's got my grill!

With a Patriots logo!
That is so wrong!

And that's it.

We are done here.

Really?

Wow. That was delightful.

Super.

I can't tell you
how happy I am

that I don't have to go
to Dr. Ambrose anymore.

Thank you so much
for fitting me in.

Well, normally you'd have
to wait at least a year,

but you called
on the right day.

I came home early from
my vacation last night

and found of my patients

soaking wet, standing
in a hole in my backyard

slapping each other.
Can you imagine?

There are a lot of
sick people in this world.

Hello?

Hello, Carrie?

This is Dr. Ambrose.

Oh, hi.

What's up?