06x08 - Eggsit Strategy

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

What have you got there?

Doughnut.

I thought you weren't
eating carbs.

I'm now allowing myself
to eat delicious carbs.

Hey, you got a little jelly
right over there.

Yeah. Yeah, there's some
on the other side, too. Oh.

OK.

Yeah, how'd you get jelly
on the back of your neck?

There was a bee in the car.

What's that?

- A koosh ball.
- Oh.

Hey, hey, leave it alone, man.

Doug, give it back to me.
I'm serious.

Why?
Stop playing, man.

Why?
Give-give it to me.

I said give it to me!

All right, man.
Take it easy.

It's just a ball.

Look, my kid gave this to me
for my birthday last night.

It was really amazing.

years old, he got
the idea all by himself,

emptied out his piggy bank,
and bought daddy a present.

Your birthday. Right.

Did he mention that was
from both of us or--

look, I gotta
pick up my route, guy.

I'm serious.
Don't touch my koosh.

Ooh.

Oh, I'm touching it.

I'm touching it all over.

Hey.

Hey. Yes, sir?
Heffernan.

You gotta get all the trash
out of your truck by Thursday.

I'm giving you
a head start now,

because I've seen
your Taco Bell graveyard.

Hoo-hoo!

Um, what's happening Thursday?

Oh, some big guy coming
from the northeast office

to make sure we keep up
the IPS image,

such as it is.

Anyway, clean out your truck,

in fact, if you want, I
could just stay home that day.

Haa!

Oh, my God.
Look at this.

"Property of Mr. Kaplan.
Do not touch."

Didn't the guy just buy a $
million house in the Hamptons?

You think he can throw the
support staff a squirt of hazelnut,

you know what I'm saying?

He's right behind me,
isn't he?

Sorry.
We're just freaked out.

It's been going around

that since the firm didn't
do so great this year,

there's gonna be some layoffs.

Really?
Yeah.

Elaine who works upstairs said

she heard
the senior partners talking

about getting rid
of the deadwood.

Secretaries or just lawyers?

Well, if they fire your boss,

why would they
keep you around?

Who left Mr. Kaplan's
hazelnut out?

Carrie.
Yeah?

Type this up for me, will you?

Uh, yes. Mr. Pruzan--

you're looking a little fancy
for casual Friday, aren't you?

OK, a couple things.

Um, they canceled that
a few weeks ago,

and it's Tuesday.

Mr. Pruzan, can I
ask you a question?

I know the firm
is downsizing, and--

what?!

Yeah, something about
getting rid of the deadwood.

Deadwood?!

Did they say deadwood?

I don't know
what they said exactly.

Carrie, I specifically
need to know

if they used the term
"deadwood."

We're in trouble, aren't we?

Why does O'Boyle
have my koosh?

Does he?

You know, I always thought he went
into our lockers and took stuff.

I'm serious. One day my
uniform smelled like he wore it.

What did you do?!
I told you to lay off of it!

But then O'Boyle walked
by and said, "hoo-hoo!"

And I had to throw it to him. Why?!

That's catch etiquette.

When someone goes,
"hoo-hoo",

you gotta throw them the ball.

I can't believe it. Just
go in there and get it back!

Not a great time for that.

Why?

'Cause you know how
last month as a joke

I filled out that timecard

for one
Mr. foghorn leghorn?

Yeah.
That was a classic.

Anyway, turns out
the guys in accounting

cut him quite a few paychecks

before they realized
he's a cartoon rooster.

O'Boyle found out and made
some pretty serious threats

involving his thermos
and my ass.

Why he'd want to use his
own thermos, I don't know. I--

you're gonna be
wishing for a thermos

when I get done with you,

now get in there!

All right.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.
I'm really upset.

Everyone's talking about how
there might be some layoffs,

and I think - I think Pruzan's
gonna be one of the first to go.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I haven't been able to do
any work at all this morning.

I'm just sitting here
feeling nauseous. Go!

He's coming!

Just gonna have
a water/phone break.

Gonna get a little water
and phone.

I gotta go.

OK. Love you.

Hey, we'll get it!

Come on, man. Don't
worry. We'll get--

hey, that's the mean finger.

Well, I talked
to the partners.

We really cleared the air.

Apparently
I've decided to move on

and pursue other interests.

Oh, my God.

Next issue...

Are you aware of the various
levels of good-bye parties here?

The people they hate
get a card.

The people they like
get ice-cream cake.

The people they love
get a full omelet bar.

I want to go out with
the omelet bar, Carrie,

with the man
in the chef's hat.

I wanna see that hat.

Make it happen.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mr. O'Boyle,
you got a minute?

Yes. No, we're all set
for your review.

Think you're gonna like
what you see, Mr. Halliburton.

OK, great.
Well, we'll see you then.

Yeah.

Oh, I'll be so glad when
this douche is out of my life.

What's up?

Actually, I just had
to ask you a question.

What?
Uh, about the review,

um, should we
wear shorts that day?

Or go with a little bit
more of a formal look

with the longer-
hoo-hoo!

I don't care.
Either one.

I'm just saying, you know,
shorts is one way to go,

but if you go with the-
witchacataa!

Hello.

Yeah, hey, Lou.

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Ziggatoww!

What?
Bup-bup-bup-bup!

No, tell the I.R.S. We're not
trying to hide anything from them.

There is no foghorn leghorn
who works here.

No, it-it was just a bad joke
by one of our moron drivers

who happens to be standing
right here now bothering me.

Yeah. All right.
Good-bye.

Well, turns out
the federal government

didn't think your prank
was very funny either.

Oh, and they're so hilarious?

Would it be possible

for you to actually focus
one day here on your job

instead of acting like a
massively overweight -year-old?

I can certainly try.

Heffernan.
Yeah?

Hoo-hoo!

Hmm?

Hoo hoo.

Hey, babe.
I just put in fish sticks,

and I could put in more,

so I'm gonna need to know
from you very realistically

if you're gonna want one.

'Cause there
can't be any of this

can I have a little bite?

No.

You're in, or you're out, OK?

Don't jerk me around.

I think it's happening.

What's happening?
Should I bang it up to ?

No.

I'm talking about
what's going on at work.

Oh, right.
The, uh, big case?

No, you idiot!

I'm talking about
that I might get fired!

What?!
What do you mean "what"?!

I called you from work
in a panic!

You know I tune you out!

What do you mean
you might get fired?!

Well, they're f*ring Pruzan
because they realized he's an idiot

and he isn't anybody's nephew.

And if they fire him, I don't
think there's a place for me.

I can't believe this.

I told you to dress sluttier!

Thank you, Doug.
Thank you for your support.

What are we gonna do?!

I mean, this is your job!

I mean,
this is half our income!

All right, you know what?
You really suck

at making me feel better,
you know that?!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What do you want me to say?

I want you to say that
everything's gonna be all right.

Everything's...

Gonna be all right.

I don't believe that at
all! I don't blame you!

I am really scared
about our future.

Awkward fish stick timing.

Just get 'em.
No.

They're better
if they sit anyway.

Come here, would you? Just come here.

I don't know what the
hell's going on over there,

but they'd be crazy to
let someone like you go.

And if for some reason
they do, well,

we'll figure something out.

Yeah?
OK?

Yes. Would you put down
the slurpee straw?

All right?
It's gonna be fine.

Well, just in case,
don't do anything

to screw up your job, OK?

You're doing something to
screw up your job, aren't you?

Hey, hey!
Somebody's day

just got a little more
koosherific.

I don't want any of those.

Let me finish.

I also got you a water p*stol,

an egg full
of glow-in-the-dark goo,

and a tiny Matt Damon book.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I want the koosh
my son bought for me.

OK, we get it!

Your kid had $ . once.
Can we move on?

No! You know what happened
last night?

I got home, and the first
thing my son said to me was,

"where's your
koosh ball, daddy?

Don't you love it
anymore?"

I told him
I was having it cleaned.

Nice one.

That was
the first time in my life

I ever lied to my child.
I can't do that again.

Look, O'Boyle's
out with that guy.

We stole the key.

You're going in there
like we planned.

Yeah,
I-I can't do that.

Why not?!

Carrie might be
losing her job.

Really?
Yeah. And...

That would leave us
with only one paycheck,

which is terrifying enough,

but if I get caught in there,

we're down to no paychecks,

and I can't live on that.

But-what-
he's not gonna fire you.

He might!

He fired Martinez 'cause he
wouldn't say, "freedom fries."

All right.
You know what?

Just-just give me
the key.

Give me the key.
I'll go in there.

I can't do that either.

What?
Because I'm the one

who threw him the koosh
in the first place.

OK, he'll know I'm involved.

You really need
to let this go.

Give me the key.

No.
I said give it.

And I said, "no."

Oh, my God!

Left pocket.

Thank you.

Hurry up.

It's not in here.

What?!

It's gone!

You think he wears that?

That's pretty sparkly
for a dude.

Betty, hi.
Hi, Carrie.

What can we do
for you up here?

Oh, I just have a fed-ex
for Mr. Levy.

Come in.

Mr. Levy, hi.

I'm Carrie Heffernan. I work
for Mr. Pruzan downstairs.

I have a-
a fed-ex for you.

Doesn't the mail room
usually bring those around?

Yes. Yes,
they usually do,

but I was just passing by,

and I saw it sitting
there all by itself,

and it looked so sad.

Ooh! What's that paper clip
doing there? I'll get it.

I gotcha.

Thank you.

Oh, one quick question.

How's Betty
working out for you?

Is she-she working out?

She's doing fine.
Yeah?

Yeah, she's good. She's
good people, you know?

But even with all the
vacations? I mean, I just--

my philosophy for the people
I work for is "work first",

you know? And I know last
month she was in Florida,

and then, what, weeks ago she
just couldn't bother to show up?

Her gallbladder exploded.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Carrie, I heard about Pruzan,

and if this is your way
of looking for a new job,

I just have to say
this is highly inappropriate.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And, frankly, I would hate
for a client to walk in

and see you...
On display like that.

I'll, uh, I'll button up.

Thank you
for the fed-ex.

Actually, this isn't for you.

Carrie, there you are.

So where are we at
omelet-wise?

Well, it looks like
you're getting a card.

A card?
Yeah.

Worst-case scenario,
I thought ice-cream cake,

but this is chilling.

You gotta get them
to bump it up.

Mr. Pruzan, I know your
egg issues are important,

but I've got my own getting
fired thang going on here,

so I gotta deal
with my own thing--

there's Mr. Kaplan!

You can talk to him right now.

What? No. He's the head of the firm.

Yes, and he's also the guy

who can green-light omelet man
in a heartbeat.

No! No! No! No!
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Mr. Kaplan, hi.

Oh, hello, Carrie.

Um, can I talk to you
for a second?

Mm, sure.

Well, I was just-
I was wondering if, um--

actually, I want to talk
to you about my job.

I know
Mr. Pruzan is leaving,

and, um, I'm sure
you can understand

that I'm a little concerned,

because, um, you know
I've worked for this firm

for a long time,
and I'm really--

Carrie, Carrie,
you'll be fine.

Really?

Absolutely.
Don't worry.

Oh.

That deadwood boss of yours,
he should worry.

Yeah, you know, I probably
shouldn't be telling you this,

but do you know that he actually
calls home during the day

to talk
to his answering machine

so his cat won't get lonely?

So you understand
why we're letting him go.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Mr. Kaplan,
one more quick thing.

Um, deadwood
was actually hoping

for, um, that omelet man
thing. I know it's silly,

but it would really ease
the blow for him, you know?

Carrie, that man
cost this firm $ million.

The only way
he can have omelet man

is if he pays for it himself.

That seems fair.
OK. Bye-bye.

Hey, how about this:

You tell your kid the
koosh got called back

to its home planet
of koosheron

where koosh live,
work, and worship

and throw around
tiny people for fun.

There it is.

OK, everything
looks pretty good.

I should have your report back
to you Monday at the latest.

Great. Thanks for stopping
by our little depot.

Where is my car?

The driver said he
just had to bring it around.

What do you have there?

A koosh?

This? Uh, yeah.

Yo yo yo.

I'm going in.

Ziggata!

Hey, Heffernan.

This is Heffernan and Palmer,
a couple of our drivers.

Hey. Hi. Nice to meet you.

How you doing?

Hoo-hoo!

Yo yo!

Ziggatatoww!

Hoo-hoo.

Rrrr! Rrrr!

OK, this is me.

Thanks, Patrick.

We'll be in touch.

Hoo-hoo.

Shamina-homina.

What have you got there, Paul?

Bacon crumbles, Swiss?

My God, they really
went all out for me.

Which credit card did
you want to put this on?

Not now.

Oh, Mr. Kaplan.
There you go.

Oh, and don't forget
your napkin.

Don't want to get anything on that
gorgeous little tie you got there.

What are those? Ducks?

They're tiny pictures
of my son Harrison.

Oh!

Look at that.
He's got your eyes.

Um, Mr. Kaplan?

I was hoping
that we could, um--

one second.
I'll take, uh...

Mushrooms
and artichokes and--

what is that?
Wafer-thin prosciutto?

Hit me.

I'm sorry.
What was that?

Oh, I just thought we could
talk about our conversation.

What conversation?

Remember in the elevator?
Our conversation about--

that I would
still have a job here.

Well, why would you
still have a job here

if your boss is leaving?

Who you gonna work for?

But you said
everything would be fine.

I mean, you said that.

Well, I guess I meant

that everything
would be fine with you

out there in the job market.

You're
a very competent person.

Easy there, chico. I
like my eggs a little wet.

Mr. Kaplan,
do you understand

that I need this job?

I mean, I don't have
$ million in the bank

and a house
on the beach, you know?

I have one house, and it's
very close to a gas station.

Carrie, can we do this later?

No, we can't
do this later, OK?

We're doing this
now, all right?

So you can understand

why I took that
kind of seriously,

but if you're-
if you're telling me now

that you're
just gonna let me go,

then I guess I
just have one question.

Where's my omelet bar?

Hmm?
I have busted my ass

for this company for years.

I have come in early. I have
stayed late for no extra pay.

I babysat for your
freak-duck-looking boy Harrison there

at the Christmas party.

And I've made thousands
of travel arrangements

for all of you and the
hot little paralegals

you're all "mentoring."

So I guess, yeah.

Where's my omelet bar?!
Where is it, huh?!

Carrie, I'm your biggest fan.

I would just hate
for our last interaction

to be me
calling security on you.

OK, you know what?

You don't gotta call security.

'Cause I'm just-
I'm so outta here, OK?

I'm just gonna
I'm gonna go down to the diner

on th street and Lex, and I'm
gonna sit down, and I'm gonna order

one of the juiciest, cheesiest
omelets that I can get,

and I'm gonna sit there
and pat myself on the back

for the great job that
I've done for this firm,

and then I'm probably
gonna throw up,

because the food there
is pretty questionable.

Boy, am I glad that came fast.

Fired. That stings.

Do I feel lucky
I'm leaving mutually.

Honey, I love you so much.

Come on.
It's all gonna be OK.

Those rich lawyers,
they're the losers, huh?

It's all gonna work out fine.

I'm here for you.
Just tell me what you need.

Can I have a fish stick?

I- I-I knew it.