20x08 - The Birthday Bootlegger

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Where's Dad?

It's office birthdays today
at the brewery.

Ever since your father
was put in charge,

he's been taking it very seriously.

Okay, Brian, what do you got for me?

Okay, birthday jokes.

"We may be colleagues, but
there's no one in your league."

Boy, that's a brick off the backboard.

Chris, what do you got?

"I drove the family
to Disneyland for vacation,

"and when we got off
the highway, the sign said,

'Disneyland, Left, '
so we drove back home."

Chris, that's going in the show.

See that, Brian?

Don't be afraid
to pull the heartstrings.

Peter, don't you think you might
be putting too much time

into office birthdays
and not enough into your job?

Come on, Lois. It's the one
thing I look forward to at work.

It's the one thing I'm good at.

I am to birthdays what J. K. Rowling is

to now-problematic wizard stories.

Perhaps Slytherin

or maybe Hufflepuff

or trans women aren't really women.

- Wait, what?
- I mean, uh, the first two things.

Okay, who's the next girl or boy?

There's only those two.

PETER: Who's ready for June birthdays?

(CHEERING)

(LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ Every birthday boy and girl
who's on the clock ♪

♪ First there's Annie from accounting ♪

♪ Just turned , but who's counting? ♪

♪ And that old guy Frank
down on the dock ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Leslie Uggams.

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ Ah, tole, da, da-doe-da, tinkin' can ♪

♪ All the hanna-manna wishes ♪

♪ And the hanna-wenna fishes ♪

♪ Out of all the morning glories
on the spam ♪

♪ Because it's June ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Just because it's June, June ♪

♪ June! ♪

- (SONG ENDS)
- (APPLAUSE)

Wait, isn't it November?

Who cares? They are marvelous.

So I drove my family
down to Disneyland for vacation.

When we got off the highway,
the sign said,

"Disneyland, Left,"
so we drove back home.

(LAUGHTER)

Thanks. I wrote that.

Oh, I'll show him.

I own the school paper.

Get me dirt on Principal Shepherd's car.

I also own the school car wash.

Myeah. Myeah.

Children, please continue
independent play

while I go see
if I just sneezed my tampon out.

Let's see. Any good reads here?

Hmm, what's this?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

My word, this is brilliant.

Now to find my mark.

Hey, Stewie. What you reading?

Something with different cloths to feel?

No, not since, uh... not since COVID.

I say, Doug, it appears you've
got something on your shirt.

Is that so?

♪ ♪

(SLOW-MOTION GROANING)

Ha-ha! There's nothing on your shirt!

It was all a ruse.

(WAILING)

Doug, are you okay?

Oh, my God, what happened?

- Who did this to you?
- Stewie.

- Stewart Griffin-Suarez, is that true?
- No!

And thank you for that.

Rupert and I decided to hyphenate.

I hope it doesn't make me look
like too much of a pushover.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

(SIGHS) Screw it.

Yes, I hit him.

And it was glorious.

This is your third strike, Stewie.

That means no more time-outs.

You get a detention.

Detention?

(SCOFFS) You can't scare me.

The only thing that scares me
is a sudden loud noise,

even if it's only spoken.

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Val Kilmer

and Robert Downey Jr.

- In Kiss Kiss...
- Ooh!

- ...Bang Bang!
- (SCREAMS)

So, how did the birthday thing go?

Amazing, Lois.

I've even been asked to do a TED Talk.

What is a birthday?

I think it can best
be understood by breaking down

the word "birth" and "day."

Where the hell is everyone?

Ah, okay. Now it makes sense.

(KISSING) Bye-bye, Stewie.

Yeah, buh-bye, whatever.

Stewie, where are you headed?

You've got detention this morning.

That's where I'm headed.

Stewie, no, detention
isn't in preschool.

It's in the elementary school building.

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)

The elementary school?

But that's where the big kids are.

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I ruins y'all's reveal?

Let me go ahead
and scooch back a little.

Beep, beep, beep.

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)

Oh, no! Look at that big scary school!

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)

♪ ♪

My God, these kids have their teeth.

And where are their pacifiers?
How do they ever sleep?

Detention kids are scary.

Especially that fourth grader
writing on the board.

Ah, that is such a load of

(MICKEY MOUSE VOICE): truth,
a wonderful load of truth.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE)

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES)

All right, birthdays.

(DISCO WHOOP): Whoop, whoop!

MAN: What the hell is this?

It's happy birthday

(DISCO WHOOP): to you.

I didn't approve this.

Oh, yeah? Well, who the hell are

(DISCO WHOOP): you-you?

I'm Preston Lloyd,

the new manager of the brewery
and your boss.

(DISCO WHOOP): Is that true-true?

Yes. And I've been charged with
improving brewery productivity.

And it has become clear to me
that the best way to start is

by canceling office birthdays,
effective immediately.

I don't know how to stop
on roller skates,

so hang on until I run out of momentum.

What?!

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't
cancel office birthdays.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Mr. Griffin, I like
focused, productive employees.

But this is a brewery.
Beer is supposed to be fun.

I've been sober for years.

- How old are you?
- .

A brewery is not about getting drunk.

It's a business.

I need disciplined,
productive employees.

Can you be that, Mr. Griffin?

Oh, heavens, no.

Then we're going to have a problem.

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't
take away office birthdays.

People love 'em.

(SIGHS)

If it means that much
to the employees, fine.

Yay!

- I'll do them.
- Aw.

- (FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
- Attention, employees.

This is Mr. Lloyd, your manager.

I will now resume

the office birthday celebration
from earlier.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Helen Daily, date of birth / / .

Martin Burke, date of birth / / .

J.H. Christ, / ...

zero, zero, zero, zero.

You now have two minutes
to consume cake.

(STOPWATCH TICKING)

(LIVELY CHATTER)

Hey, do you know where I can
get a pacifier in this place?

I'm jonesing.

Anyone hears you say that in here,

you'll get your ass kicked.

You're the "something
on your shirt" kid, right?

How did you know?

Well, I make it my business to know.

You got purdy lips.

Why, thank you. It's a new serum.

Move over, lip balms.
The secret is retinol.

Let's talk later.

I can't believe the new jerk manager

canceled office birthdays.

It was the one thing in life
I looked forward to.

Is this manager
a no-nonsense, button-down man

who's also been in the m*llitary?

- How'd you know?
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, what do I do?
- Take it from a lawman,

whenever authorities have tried
to take away something

the people find precious,

the people have found ways
around the law.

They always find a way, like nature.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- Look at that.

Tree bent to keep growing
toward the sun.

Anyway, I'm Joe,
and I don't do a lot of these.

Boy, wouldn't you like to know

what those little guys are saying?

♪ ♪

PETER: What's the password?

(HUSHED): "Fat man."

- (LIVELY CHATTER)
- (JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd like to wish
all you birthday boys and girls

a special day with the help of...

The Beatles.

One, two, three, hit it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

The boss is coming.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (CLAMORING)

And this is our final stop on the tour.

What's this room?

Oh, this is an unused meeting room

that no one pays attention to.

Ah. Well, then,

I suppose there's no need
to pay any attention.

Okay, there was an elderly
Jewish family hiding in there,

and I don't know what to tell them.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
- (KIDS CHATTERING)

Well, Stewie, you've completed
your detention.

What have you learned
from this experience?

That your mother's a whore.

Hey, Stewie. How was your detention?

Brian Griffin, is that really you?

Been a long time, it has.

I saw you this morning.

The world's gone and got itself
in a big damn hurry.

You lose track of time
on the inside, Brian.

You wouldn't know.

You ain't seen the things I've seen.

Preschool detention?
No, I guess I haven't.

- What'd you do in there?
- Got jacked.

- You look exactly the same.
- And yet I got jacked.

Okay, time to make this office my own

and decorate it
with my prized achievements.

Ah, let's start with
my Big Mouth Billy Bass

with the battery removed

so I don't have to be
interrupted by that nonsense.

Ah, my framed ticket stub

from opening night of Independence Day.

My Purple Heart.

- (JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LIVELY CHATTER)

Today, for a special birthdays treat,

I've acquired Marty McFly's amp.

(LOW ELECTRICAL HUMMING)

Who's ready to rock birthdays?

(CHEERING)

There.

A lifetime of
fragilely framed achievements.

(ELECTRIC GUITAR BLARES)

What the hell?

(GASPS)

Mr. Lloyd!

What is going on in here?

(GASPS)

Ow! Ow! Aah!

Sorry.

Aah! That didn't work!

Ow, my bones!

I had a very good rotation guy
work on this.

Ow, though!

Ow! Please stop!

Sorry. Sorry.
I-I don't know what to say.

I'll call the guy. I-I don't
know, I don't know what to say.

Griffin, is this some kind of

secret birthday celebration room?

I made a decision
to cancel office birthdays,

and it was very explicit.

There was nudity?

Mr. Griffin, you leave me
no other choice.

You're fired.

Fired?

Can I still get paid and just not come?

No.

Well, I guess it's time to say goodbye

to the security guards
whose names I never learned.

Take care, Cap'n.

Stay golden, Chief.

Be well, Buckaroo.

Bye, Francesca Louise Allessandro.

Say hi to Max and Samuel
and your sister Eloise for me.

And good luck with your night courses.

Hey, do you have, like,
a nickname on Instagram?

I'm having trouble finding you.

I can't believe you were fired
from the brewery.

I mean, how are we gonna pay our bills?

That depends.

When you use Venmo, do they just, like,

believe you that you have the money?

No.

- Right?
- CHRIS AND MEG: No.

Fine. Maybe they'll take me back

as the Radio City Rockette
with too-big shoes.

(LIVELY BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Shoes!

Shoes!

Should we just get him smaller shoes?

Wouldn't matter. He butters his feet.

Stewie, breakfast!

(HARMONICA PLAYING SOMBER MUSIC)

When did this new slab of beef
get delivered?

My name's Chris.

You don't have a name
until I give you one.

You're a little young and plump
to be in a place like this.

You need a friend.

Someone who can provide you
with protection.

I could be your friend.

All we'll need is
a BIC pen and a lighter.

Why? So you can burn
a swastika into my butt?

Well, you just ruined
the surprise, you goofball.

Oh. Stewie.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What brings you by?

You're gonna give me what I want.

Um, wh-what are you talking about?

You know.

We're doing this, and you're
gonna find a way to enjoy it.

(SOBBING)

(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOBBING): I-I don't like it.

I don't understand what's happening.

The three sisters have
a magic hopscotch board

that turns them into superheroes,

but only at night
and never if it's raining.

It's too complicated and noisy.

Yeah, it is both of those things.

And their cat speaks French.

(SOBBING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there you are, Rupert.

Funny how I never got
a visit in detention.

Not even a letter.

What do you mean
you couldn't find a stamp?

Well, no need to mail it now.

Show me the letter.

Show me the damn letter!

I met a new friend in detention.

His name is Thomas the Shank Engine.

I think it's time you two met.

You want to meet him? (GRUNTING)

What's going on in here?

You don't know
what detention was like, Brian.

I feel like I aged four years in there.

On the first day, an older boy
put two fingers on my nose

and just took it right off my
face and held it in front of me

and said, "I got it. I got your nose."

That ever happen to you, Brian?

You ever seen your own nose
wiggling between two fingers

right in front of your face?

And he never gave it back.

- Stewie, what's going on in here?
- (SOBBING)

Okay, you are coming with me.

(SOBBING): They've got my nose, Brian.

They've got my nose.

(SOBBING)

They've got my...

(SIGHS): Ah.

This changes everything.

Ooh, bubbles!

Aw, looks like somebody was
overdue for his bath time.

That's why you've been so cranky.

All right, after this, we'll get
you into your footsie jammies

and tucked into bed.

Ah, finally, I can put
that whole detention experience

behind me and just live.

Whoa.

Yep, so that's how your grandad

got his back tattoo and hepatitis.

Never share a needle with Ben Affleck.

How did you and Other Granddaddy meet?

That's a story for when you're older.

The kids at school were asking
if you're a bottom or a top.

They should not be asking that.

They said if that was your
answer, then you were a bottom.

Who are these (BLEEP) kids
you're talking to?

I would like to have a word
with their attractive fathers.

And that's how you say "productivity"

in different languages,

which, in hindsight, was not
a productive use of time.

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I just came to clear the
search history off my computer

before the I. T. guy...
Uhp, he's already got it.

Boy, you're really all in on Asa Akira.

Way off, pal. This is
the only place I can masturbate.

Griffin, just go.

♪ ♪

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Mr. Pabian.

Get down from there at once.

♪ ♪

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Ms. Towers, get down.

Do you hear me? I order you to get down.

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Get down! Every one of you.

That is a direct order. Do you hear me?

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Oh... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Thank you all. Thank you.

As someone who doesn't remember movies,

I've never seen such an original
display of faith in a colleague.

- Peter, you're rehired.
- Really?

(SIGHS) Griffin, I guess I've learned

that employees are
willing to endure a crappy job,

low pay, meaningless work,
no upward mobility,

laughable benefits packages,
countless OSHA violations,

exposure to hazardous waste
and emotional abuse

as long as there are balloons
and pieces of cake once a month.

I guess I can allow that.

(CHEERING)

And I've learned that every
office needs a worst employee

that all the other employees
can look down on.

I can be that. I can be that guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey-hey, Francesca Louise Allessandro!

Good news. I found your Instagram.

Did you see the photos
I liked in a row

last night at : a. m.?

Also, who's @BeckyFitness , and
can you tell her to unblock me?

Well, Peter, I'm glad
you got your job back.

Me, too, Lois, but I am gonna miss

getting to perform every week.

You don't need to be in charge
of birthdays to perform.

You know, you're right, Chris.

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ It's birthdays and na-na-na-na-na ♪

- ♪ And a zabba... ♪
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

(PETER CONTINUES SINGING GIBBERISH)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Oh, my! Tony Award-winning
performer Leslie Uggams?

What are you doing here?

I heard you were singing my song,

but I think you got the words wrong.

It isn't "hana-wanna-dada-baba."

- It's "da-zalway-da-da-zee-za."
- Oh, oh, okay.

And then is it, uh,
something about Nash Bridges?

No, it's "all the little bit
of dridges."

Ah, "little bit of dridges," of course.

(LAUGHS) Now you got it!

Come on!

(LIVELY ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ All over the meadow and the hill ♪

♪ And da-zalway-da-da-zee-za ♪

♪ All the little bit of dridges ♪

♪ And the morning glories and the fez ♪

♪ Because it's June ♪

♪ June, June, June ♪

♪ Bustin' out, it's June, June ♪

♪ June! ♪

(SONG ENDS)

Bravo!

That's from the Rodgers
and Hammerstein musical

Carousel, about
carousel barker Billy Bigelow,

whose romance with
mill worker Julie Jordan

comes at the price of both their jobs.

If you want to know more
about it, ask your grandfather,

who was dragged to see it on a date

and then had to get married
to touch boob.