05x01 - Gap Year

[bunniefuu]

DRE: As a parent, it's your job
to guide your kids

through life's toughest chapters,

even if you aren't that sure

the kid is yours in the first place.

Or if he's even gonna
make it in life at all.

And then you're surprised when they do.

That's right.

Junior was finally ready to get
his higher learning on...

at my alma mater, of all places,

Howard University.

Now, it's always tough
to drop a kid off at college,

but this was Junior, so...

Now, we want a tight hospital corner.

- Yep.
- Why is he tucking in his comforter?

The man loves a nice swaddle.

Okay, everybody, you've
already said your goodbyes.

Come on. We got some sight-seeing to do...
the Lincoln Memorial,

the African-American
History Museum. Let's go!

Oh, I'd love to go to those places.

Ooh, those are tourist spots,
and you live here now, so... no.

And, Junior, you be careful
out here, all right?

And remember,

you can make a shank
out of pretty much anything.

That's right. Black people

- human-traffic black people, too.
- Yeah.

- That's true.
- JUNIOR: Don't worry, guys.

Me and Marques are cool.

I mean, he's from Brooklyn,

so, you know, he's teaching me
to talk like him.

[Brooklyn accent] Ay, yo, sweetheart.

You want to go get a bagel?

And maybe go see a Broadway play?

[Laughter]

So, you're gonna
grow your virginity back?

[Chuckles] That is hilarious.

- All right, come on, guys. Let's go.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- Is there anything else you think

you need for your dorm room?

Seriously, like, Febreeze,
or more towels, maybe...

- maybe some more hugs from Mommy?
- No, no more hugs.

Let's go! Can't keep Lincoln waiting!

- Hey, son.
- Never get enough hugs.

- See you in four years.
- But Thanksgiving...

- I said four years.
- I am so proud of you.

- Okay, yeah. Uh-huh, yeah.
- You are a champion!

- Thank God we're finally home.
- Huh.

That was the longest flight ever.

Well, not for me. I popped
a couple of Ambien. I was fine.

You tried to open the flight door.

Almost got it open, too.

[Chuckles] My baby's strong.

We dropped , feet in seconds.

- Nobody put my mask on.
- You survived.

Junior had left the nest,

but the Johnson family
hadn't skipped a b*at.

And you know what?

Maybe I was even gonna
miss him a little bit.

Oh, um...

hey, Dad.

Or maybe I wasn't.

What the hell?

♪♪

What are you doing home?

How the hell did you get home?

I used the emergency
credit card to book a flight.

Well, what's the emergency?

Wasn't really feeling college right now.

What the...

Not to brag, but I predicted
this on Twitter three days ago.

Go!

- I'm a prophet.
- Okay.

Everybody, relax.

- I decided to take a gap year.
- A gap year?

What the hell is that?

I took a gap year once...
with The Gap Band.

[Chuckles]

Charlie Wilson
dropped a b*mb on me, baby.

- Mama...
- Huh.

A gap year is when a kid takes a year

before going off to college.

It's pretty common, actually.

Everyone that I know
that's taken a gap year

is some rich kid
who turns out to be a ski bum.

Is this some white [bleep]?

Everything around here
is some white [bleep].

Pops, it is not some white stuff.

For the record,
Malia Obama took a gap year.

- You are not Malia Obama, fool!
- Okay. Okay, okay.

Let's just calm down.

We can regroup on all of this tomorrow.

We're just a little...
little jet-lagged.

I know I was yesterday.

Junior. Go.

So you're just gonna let him
off the hook like that?

[Scoffs] Dre.

Come on. He's scared.

And yelling at someone
when they're scared

only makes them more scared.

Stop being scared!

Monsters feed off of fear!

You are monster food right now.

[Sighs]

But I like yelling at the kids.

Yeah, I know,
and... you're the best at it.

Mm.

But he needs his mom right now.

- Okay?
- Okay.

He's just got cold feet, sweetie.
Just trust me.

I'm gonna get him to go back to school.

Oh, wait a minute. So... [chuckles]

that's your move?

The spokesperson for soft

is gonna toughen up my grandkid?

We literally just brought you to D.C.

and paid for everything.

Museums are free.

Uh-huh.

♪♪

Junior's gonna be okay, right?

Oh, no.

But at least he made it
a lot harder for us

to disappoint our parents.

Hey.

- Good night, Grandma.
- Good night, Grandma.

Good night, babies.

♪♪

[Door closes]

Hmm.

No, that ain't right.

What's so important that
couldn't wait till morning?

Watching you and Jack

walk into that room together

and shut the door behind yourselves,

well, it made Grandma feel...

some kind of way.

All right, baby, no.
Listen, listen, listen.

You're a young lady now,

and you need your privacy.

Huh?

Before you and Jack grow up
to be little weirdos

the family doesn't bring to cookouts.

[Chuckles]

Well, you've never been a twin before,

so of course you don't
understand our bond.

[Sighs] Look, me and Jack,

we're like bacon and eggs.

Or... you and shoplifting.

What? What's that you're saying?

Hey, don't act brand-new.

Yeah.

Grandma, I love you,

but I think you're making
a big deal out of nothing.

[Jack clears throat]

Toss me the coconut oil, please.

I'm trying to make my triceps pop.

RUBY: Little weirdos the family
doesn't bring to cookouts.

[Sighs]

Whoa.

What's wrong, Dre?

Are two rappers you care for "beefin'"?

No.

Junior came back from college
after two days.

Ah, one of those Doogie Howser
types, huh? [Chuckles]

Where's he going to grad school at?

My alma mater? Real College University?

No. He's taking a gap year.

What? That's great news!

Dre, a gap year
is an awesome opportunity

to sow some wild oats, see the world,

and become the men we were meant to be.

Of course, I didn't
get to do any of that

because I was in a
full-body cast due to Mono.

That's not how mono works.

No, no. Mono was an Italian bully.

Yeah, put me in the hospital
day one of my gap year.

Mm. Okay, look, so you guys
think gap years are okay?

- Oh, yeah, they're great!
- Mm-hmm.

For us. But not great for you guys.

Look, you should absolutely be worried

if Junior is thinking about
taking a gap year

because according to a recent study,

if he does, he's going to be homeless.

What are you talking about?

Oh, this is outstanding.

For the past five years,

I've been an unwilling party

to you dropping knowledge.
Well, guess what.

- Hmm?
- Now it's my turn.

And, spoiler alert,
what I'm about to tell you

has nothing to do with sl*very!

Ah. Okay.

As I was saying,

a recent study showed
that rich, young white males

are more likely to stay well-to-do,

while rich, young black males
are more likely to become poor

than they are to stay rich.

There are a variety
of potential causes for this...

imbalanced incarceration rates,
employment bias,

and discriminatory housing
policies, to name a few.

But, really, it all stems
from institutionalized racism

reaching back into America's
past as a sl*ve-holding...

Damn it!

sl*very affects everything!

- Aw.
- [Sighs]

It's almost like we need to keep
talking about it.

[Groans]

All roads lead to sl*very.

Except for the Freeway.

That'd, uh, take you to Portland.

Unless you're going south.

That goes straight to sl*very.

Okay, so your point is,
as hard as I've worked,

my son is still not safe?

I cannot let him
take his foot off the gas.

Exactly. No gaps in the résumé.

You do not want to give an excuse

for me and my brethren not to hire him.

- JOSH: Mm.
- I once took a morning off

for a dental appointment.

Didn't work for three years after that.

The next time I did work,

all my suits were out of fashion.

And it left me with a g*ng of buttons.

Ugh.

DRE: Stevens freaked me out.

Hopefully, Bow was making some progress

in getting Junior back to college.

Knock, knock.

Oh. Hey, Mom.

How are you doing?

- Where's Dad?
- It's just me.

Oh, thank God, because I think
I'm freaking out, Mom.

I thought I was ready,

but then I got to school,
and I was not ready!

Fam, you don't have a major?

Nah, I was just gonna take
some classes and figure it out.

Well, have you chosen an adviser?

Uh...

Yo, son, are you serious right now?

You have to pick the right professor

because they're gonna set you up
with the right internship.

Bong, job.

Bong, career.

Bong, paper!

You're wild for the night, son.

Why'd he keep saying "bong"?

I don't know. That freaked me out, too.

Sweetheart, I know. It's just...

It was... It's such a scary city,

with all those noisy cars

and roommates with beards that connect.

- Yeah.
- Oof.

But it's just nerves.

It's gonna pass.

It's not nerves, and...
it wasn't just Marques.

I mean, being there made me realize

I have no idea what I want.

And I think I need some time
to figure it out.

That's what the four years
of college is for.

No, I-I need a gap year.

- Do you?
- I do.

- Do you, though?
- I-I do.

- Do you?
- Yes.

O-Okay.

Okay, so you want
to take some time, potench.

So, what's the plan?

I-I don't really have one.

Okay.

Well, I... It totally makes sense to me

that you would leave one plan
for no plan,

but, you know...
you know how your father is.

I mean, he is the plan guy.

I mean, he's gonna be like,
"What is the plan?!

What's the plan?!" [Growls]

[Laughs] Right?

So, do you have, like, a...
um, like, a notion,

or, like, an inkling?

I... I would settle for an inkling.

Like, pbht.

I got nothing.

Okay. [Chuckles]

So I came home hoping Bow had good news.

- [Door closes]
- Um...

Uh, Junior has no plan.

Huh.

- Well, then, he's gonna be homeless.
- [Scoffs]

What do you mean there's no plan?

Junior has no plan.

I'll tell you what the plan is.

He's taking his ass back to college.

- Damn skippy he is.
- Mm-hmm.

How do you think this looks?

- I'm Dr. Rainbow Johnson.
- Yes, you are.

- I went to Brown University.
- Oh, you let us all know.

- I went to USC Medical School.
- Oh.

- People know my name.
- Mm-hmm.

- I have a reputation to uphold.
- Mm-hmm.

My kids go to college.

Yeah, they do!

- Wa... Wait a minute.
- Mm.

- Even Jack?
- You know what?

It's important we just get
the first few over the net.

You know what? I...

Junior is taking his ass

- back to college, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

Because our ancestors
did not cross that river

- so he could take a gap year.
- I agree.

My parents couldn't go to college,

so they busted they ass so I could,

and now it's being handed
to Junior on a silver platter

and he doesn't want it?!

What are we gonna do?

- Oh, I...
- What are we gonna do?

I tell you what I'ma do.

I'ma go up there,
and I'ma snatch his ass,

and I'ma take him to the airport,

and I'ma put him on the red-eye.

I'll even spring for the in-flight Wi-Fi

so his ass can be cyberbullied
on the way back to college!

- It's very expensive.
- Okay, you guys need to chill.

Junior's over now.
He can do what he wants.

No, I mean, look at me for example.

I could be headed to Tijuana right now

to buy cheap amphetamine salts.

Are you... joking?

[Chuckles] Maybe I am, maybe I'm not,

but that's not the point.

The point is, what are you
gonna do about it?

You know, I'm over .

We're gonna... on that one.

But she is right.

Junior is .

He's a man.

Then maybe I should talk
to him like a man.

- Yeah.
- Where's my passport?

Unbelievable.

[Video game music]

Hey, want to wrestle?

Whoa, um, how about
some privacy, please?

Oh. Uh, o-okay.

M-My bad.

Do you think it's weird
that we still share a room?

What? Of course not. We're twins.

That's what I told Grandma.

She thinks we need our "own space" now.

What does she know?

Most of her siblings
didn't even survive intimacy.

I think you mean infancy, friend.

And that's exactly why
I need you around.

Yeah.

- Well, I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
- Okay.

- Oh, bring me some popcorn.
- Want some popcorn?

See? Look at us.

Oh, is it my turn yet?

Yeah. I d*ed a long time ago.

Dude.

Is that a real bra?

You're so lucky that you get
to share a room with a girl.

Ew.

She's my sister.

I hate to tell you this, buddy...

...but your sister's a girl.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

For the first time ever,
I realized Bow was right.

Junior was a man now,

and maybe the way to get him
back to college

was to treat him like one.

♪♪

Hey, son.

How's it going?

No need for pleasantries.

You can get straight to screaming.

Nope. Unh-unh.

You know, I realize I've been
coming at you like a boy

when you are a grown man now.

So I'm gonna treat you
as such from here on out.

[Scoffs] I'm still under , Dad.

It's okay, son.
You can have one. Take it.

[Grunting]

All right, yeah, son, son, son.
Just... It's okay.

Don't strain yourself. I got it.

Uh, listen.

Man to man,

your mother and I have, uh...

invested a lot.

Raising you cost us a pretty penny.

You ran the numbers?

Ah. I low-balled it.

I didn't want to seem petty
and count up the booster sh*ts

and the air-conditioning

and all that Zyrtec you seem to need.

Uh, why is there a "resort fee"?

I've seen you in that pool.

But the point is, man,
if you don't go back,

you will be throwing all of that away.

Listen, Dad.

I am, uh... I'm really thankful

for everything that
you and Mom have done for me.

But if I go to college before I'm ready,

won't I just be wasting more
of your money by being aimless?

Okay.

Then let's take money out of it.

Shouldn't a man be concerned
about the example

that he sets for his younger siblings?

I don't know. Isn't, uh, taking a minute

and trying to figure out where I'm going

actually setting a good example?

Okay.

But a man has to realize

that an opportunity like this
may not last forever.

A man's scholarship could be gone

once he finally decides
to return to school.

A man has to strike
while the iron is hot!

Man.

Well, I've, uh,
already done the paperwork,

so my scholarship's safe.

There's basically no reason
for me not to do this now.

You are not a [bleep] man, boy.

You are a kid.

A kid who's gonna go back
to school because I say so.

I'm not going back, Dad!

All right. Either you go back

or you're gonna have to find you
another place to stay.

Fine.

Then I guess I'll find
someplace else to stay.

Fine.

Find someplace else to stay.

- Well... [sighs]
- RAINBOW: Yeah?

I solved it.

He's going back to college?

No.

I told him either
go back to school or move out,

and he chose to move out.

What?!

You can't kick my baby out!

Baby?

You're the one that said he was a man.

Of course he's not a man, Dre!

God.

We got to do something.

[Chuckles] Not me.

I don't believe in what he's doing.

I don't believe in
half of the stuff you do,

and I'm not kicking you out!

- What if he never goes back, Bow?
- [Groans]

I don't know where
I would've been without college.

When I was a kid
walking through my neighborhood,

the only jobs I thought you could have

were a postman,
a barber, or a bus driver.

Hey, all of them are good.

But college taught me

that the world was much bigger
than my block.

He knows that, dummy.

Look, the boy grew up
different from how you did,

just like you grew up
different from how I did,

and now he's traveling down a road

that you've never even been on before.

You ought to be glad

that Junior has the opportunity
to do it his way.

My brother and sister did it their way,

and they are still spinning.

I don't want that for Junior.

You guys, he's a scared kid,

and I'm just trying to protect
him from making a bad decision.

Here's what I know.

Your scared kid
was brave enough to sit with you

and be honest about
feeling a little bit lost.

And he stood up to you just now
when you tried to bully him.

I think that that strong,
honest young man you both raised

has earned a little bit of trust.

Are you saying you agree
with the gap year?

Hell no.

That still sound like
some white [bleep] to me.

But you owe it to him
to see this through.

I guess he's right.

I know I'm right.

Besides, living here rent-free

has really helped me find myself.

Well, now that he's found it,
can he leave?

[Laughs] Jack, you have
to come look at this.

It's hilarious.

This guy just starts crying
when an alligator grabs his arm.

Come on.

[Man crying]

I-I'm good.

What's wrong?

I've been thinking about
what you were saying before,

and maybe Grandma was right

about us needing a little privacy.

Oh.

Right.

Maybe i-it wouldn't k*ll us
to try something new.

You know, keep things fresh.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, we'd see each other
around the house.

- Yeah.
- There's always the hallway.

The backyard's not going anywhere.

Can't use the pool, though.
Dad's keeping track.

[Both laugh]

This is the right thing to do, right?

Yeah.

It is.

♪♪

So...

see you around?

[Sighs] See you around, friend.

♪♪

Mm-hmm.

Grandma gets results.
Ain't that right, baby?

[Chuckles]

Hey. Can we talk?

You know, uh, I've been thinking,

and you can stay here
until you go back to school.

No. You were right.

If I'm gonna do this,

I have to take responsibility
for my actions.

'Cause I'm a man.

- [Quietly] That's my baby. Dre.
- Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Son. Son, um...

I want you to stay.

And if you have some things
that you need to work out,

- I'd rather you do it here.
- Right here.

You know what?

I don't even know
if I'm comfortable here, Dad.

What?

Your words hurt.

They were supposed to.

- Dr...
- I mean...

Hey, look. Son, I'm sorry I hurt you.

All right? But I really
want you to stay here.

I still don't know.

Oh, please. We are begging you.

I don't know if he is.

I'm not begging you.

Okay, when you showed me those numbers,

the thing that you charged me
the most for was your time.

- I'm an important man!
- Dre, you beg him.

- I... I can't...
- Beg him, beg him.

- [Growls]
- [Sternly] Beg him.

Junior...

please stay. I beg you.

[Whispers] You had me at "Junior."

Aww, that's so sweet.

- Bring it in, big guy.
- Go on, hug it out.

Family hug!

Ohh.

So, Junior was back at home,

- and Diane finally got her own room...
- Ah-ha.

- ...at Junior's expense.
- [Laughs]

But we came up with an elegant solution.

What?

- You moved in?
- Yup.

And there's some new ground
rules around here, homey.

♪♪

Is that a... toothbrush?

Used to be.

♪♪

Starting now, we wake up at : ,

we lift at : in the yard.

But I-I-I have... I have school at : .

Not me.

I took a gap year.