05x03 - Scarred for Life

Episode transcripts for the TV show "blackish". Aired September 2014 - current.*
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A family man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his kids in a predominantly white, upper-middle-class neighborhood.
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05x03 - Scarred for Life

Post by bunniefuu »

DRE: It's a fact. The Johnson
family loves Halloween.


We love the decorating...

the trick-or-treating.

We love the mischief.

But what we love most is showing out

in our family costume.

Now, choosing the perfect
costume isn't always easy.


Sometimes we're cartoon superheroes.

Sometimes we're real heroes.

But this year, we get to be both.

Because of "Black Panther,"
we not only own the box office,


we own Halloween.

ALL: Wakanda forever!

Mm!

All right. Halloween dress rehearsal.

You two need to put on these.

Yeah.

We're not dressing up this year.

But we got Black Panther.

And it took me two hours
to do all of this.

And it took me two days
to do all of this.



But why are you guys not dressing up?

- No one is.
- What?

No one in our school's
even doing Halloween.

The only thing going on
is Cameron Carter's party,

and fingers crossed we get invited.

Well, of course you guys
are gonna get invited.

Are you kidding me? You're adorbs.

It's very exclusive.

I mean, he only has been giving
out two invitations a day,

and tomorrow's the last two.

That is so cruel.

Nuh-unh. That is so cool.

Build the hype.

Then people suck up to you
to be a part of that hype.

Then you create the demand for the hype.

Oh, I got to meet this dude Cameron.

It's Cameron Carter.

He's so cool, he has full-name status.

I do not think Cameron Carter
is so cool.

Who does he think he is?

Look, we don't have time to
explain Cameron Carter to you.

- Oh. Well, she told you.
- Someone's very busy. My goodness.

- [Chuckles]
- And so it begins.

- What are you talking about?
- Seventh grade.

It's like a blood bath.

You make one mistake, and you're dead.

Like my seventh grade hike to the Falls.

The Falls.

I forgot to put a protein bar
in my backpack,

and I fainted from exhaustion.

When I awoke, I was being
carried by a small girl

like we were on our honeymoon
in the Poconos.

[Exhales deeply]

Ladies' man rep gone like that.

You had a ladies' man rep?

You don't sweep the math awards

and not become a ladies' man.

- Bow...
- Yeah.

Don't listen to him.

Your son's a weirdo.

The twins, they'll be all right.

No, he's right.

I remember in seventh grade,

I washed my hair and I let it air dry.

And my mom, she said I looked like

a beautiful African princess.

It didn't dry the way
I thought it would.

Sorry, no room...

Helmet Hair.

Helmet Hair?

That's hilarious!

No, it's not!

Dre, they voted me "Most Likely
to Survive a Car Crash."

- Also hilarious.
- Oh, my God. You know what...

Where the hell did you go
to middle school, Bow?

- The Apollo?
- This is serious, Dre.

Seventh grade is hard enough

without being excluded from parties.

We need to go talk to the school.

It's just one party

that they still might get invited to.

And if they don't,
then they'll deal with it.

And how did you deal with being left out

in seventh grade?

I was the king of seventh grade.

I never took a loss.



Junior, thanks for helping me
pick up the dry cleaning.

Those choir robes are heavy.

Yeah, thank you for
helping me fill my day.

Gap year is definitely off
to a slow start.

You ever feel like you've read
the whole Internet?

You ever feel like you didn't wash your...

- face this morning?
- I...

Hey, Miss Ruby.

So good to see you.

Oh, honey, it's good to see you, too.

[Chuckles]

We are so gonna need your voice tonight.

Oh, well, you know me.
When the Lord calls...

♪ I come running! ♪

Who's this?

Niecy, this is my grandson, Junior.

Nice to meet you.

Niecy's our little star.

She's been with us since
she was years old.

I poached her from First Faith.

Place fell on the skids after that.

It's an Olive's Garden now. [Laughs]

Go, Niecy. Give him a little taste.

♪ Oh, Happy Day ♪

♪ When Jesus washed ♪

♪ He washed my sins away ♪

Wow.

She's never going secular. [Chuckles]

All right, you two
little babies chat, okay?

But, uh, don't let him bore you

talking about that wizard Harvey Porter

who fights those hog wars.

[Mutters]

- It's Harry Potter, Grandma.
- Yeah, yeah.

I haven't read those books
in years, so...

Yeah, me neither.

I actually just re-read them.

Me, too.

They hold up, right?

A story for all ages.

Anyway, what's your story?

You, uh, go to college on the first try?

[Laughs]

[Sighs loudly]

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello, Principal Biggs.

I can't get your kids invited
to Cameron Carter's party.

Dang it.

I told her.

Doesn't this school have a rule

about everybody getting
invited to everything?

For elementary kids.

But this is middle school,
so it's k*ll or be k*lled.

- Mm-hmm.
- What?

- That sounds very violent.
- Don't worry, the kids figure it out.

Told her that, too.

Is there anything you can do?

Listen, if I could fix
middle school for anyone,

- I'd go back and fix it for myself.
- Okay.

The summer between sixth
and seventh grade,

I grew / feet.

- Did you join the league?
- They thought I was a teacher.

- What?
- Or a Yeti.

That's why I became a teacher.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Okay.

Anyway, my advice is just
to stay out of it.

I told her that, too,

- but she doesn't listen.
- Dre.

Now, look, Principal Biggs,
we'll get out of your way.

You go on and do your job.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You heard her, Bow.

[Scoffs] What do teachers
know about children?

We need to do something, Dre.

Why?

Look at them. Look at Jack.

He's all cocky, kicking it
on top of the table.

- He's...
- And... And look at Diane,

ruling the roost.

- She looks pretty.
- Uh-huh.

They are fine, Bow. Come on. Let's go.

- Okay.
- CAMERON: Yo! Final invitations!

Saved the best for last.

Get over here, you two.

Oh, my God! Yes!

- Okay. Okay.
- See? Winners.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- Whoa, what are you doing?

These are for them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were... We were just
excitedly walking this way.

- Yeah, let's just... just go.
- Let's go, yeah.

Wait, you thought those were for you?

You guys are so thirsty.

Hey, everybody! Hold on to your drinks.

It's the Thirsty Twins!

[Chanting]
Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins!

Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins!

Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins!

Oh, God.

Hey, baby! Don't forget
your new book bag!

Ah. Thanks, Mom!

All right.

BOY: Kid's got a purse!

[Laughter]

I did take a loss.

Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins!

Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins!

Okay, we've got to do something.

Yeah, I'm about to punch a kid.
Hold my purse.

- [Screaming] No!
- What?

I can't believe they clowned my kids!

Yeah, i-if it was Junior,
yeah, I'd understand,

but this was Jack and Diane.

Diane's petty and she's mean

and she messed up my meet
and greet with Boyz II Men,

but she's no loser.

I wish there was a way that I could put

this Cameron Carter in his place.

Oh-ho-ho! Let's go on the Dark Web

and find a child assassin.

Now, do you want a child
who's an assassin

or a grown man who kills children?

What?

Neither!

Fine, that's the last time
I try to help.

So, you need a sensible plan.

You need to get a disguise,
go undercover,

and enroll in the school as a cooler kid

- named Cameron Carter.
- Hmm.

That's also a terrible plan.

It's like he just comes here to talk,

but he doesn't need our help, right?

You feel that in your spirit?

Some people just want you to listen.

Dre, if you don't have the stones

to hire a black-market
Internet assassin,

what you need to do is throw
a kick-ass rival party.

Oh, like Reese Witherspoon
in "Big Little Lies."

[Scoffs] Amabella's party
didn't stand a chance.

You know, a rival party just might work.

Wonderful,

because Interpol just seized
Josh's computer.

- There you go.
- What are you doing?

Fingerprints on that. I got to go.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no!

- This isn't...
- [Camera shutter clicks]

Oh, it just took my picture.

Yes, I understand that is
the school policy,

Dean Reynolds,
but what about the mom policy,

which states that you expel any kid

that is mean to my kid?

Uh, no, I think
you're being unreasonable.

Uh, okay, yeah, thank you.

I am getting nowhere
with the school board.

Don't worry about it, all right?

I got a better plan.

Forget Cameron Carter.

We are throwing our own party.

Kids! Get down here!

- A rival party?
- Mm-hmm.

[Gasps] That is way faster
than suing the school.

- What?
- I love that.

- Uh, okay.
- I love it!

- Okay, come on.
- Come in here. Sit down.

- Come on. Sit down.
- Sit down.

- Come on. Hurry up. Sit down. Cop a squat.
- Yes. Come on.

- Okay, sitting down.
- All right.

We are going to save your social life.

- Ha!
- Mm-hmm.

- It's too late.
- Hmm.

The janitor in the lower school told me

- to keep my chin up...
- Mnh-mnh.

...but also wouldn't give me dap.

Have no fear, little lady.

Your father and I
are gonna throw a party

that is way better
than Cameron Whatever's.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles]

You know it's Carter.

I am taking away his power.

Snatch it.

Yeah, but won't everyone think

the Thirsty Twins
are just throwing a party

because we didn't get invited
to Cameron Carter's?

No!

Because your party will be
bigger, blacker, and deffer,

like a Chris Rock special.

- Yeah, way better.
- Mm-hmm.

How?

- Well, um...
- Okay, uh, yeah. Good question.

- Yeah.
- How?

We're, um...

Uh, because i-it's gonna be a...

be a-a-a...

- haunted house party.
- Haunted house party!

- Yes!
- [Laughs evilly]

Yes! That leads to a pizza party

with a deejay in the backyard.

- Yes!
- Yes! Oh!

And then we are gonna sue the school!

- [Grunts]
- Let's back it up just a little bit.

Okay, it's...

I am going to use
all of my resources at work.

- Okay.
- Okay, I'm...

- I'm gonna get a special-effects guy...
- Pssh!

...gonna hire a hair
and makeup professional.

And I will get real blood
from the hospital.

- What?
- She might.

Yeah.

Your reps are in the gutter,

and ain't no way we gonna half-step.

- Mnh-mnh.
- All right?

- So get on board.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

We're still not sold, dawg.

- Aw, man.
- Yeah.

Look, shouldn't we just accept our place

and keep our heads down
until this all blows over?

It won't.

Kids never forget.

Ever.

years ago...

Oh, boy. Here we go.

...your grandma made me carry a book bag

that looked like a purse.

Let's see how my friends let that go.

Yeah

" th grade memories?"

Bam. Look at that.

- Your purse, Purse Boy!
- Dre's punk-ass purse.

RONNIE: My mom d*ed. Also, your purse!

years later,

and I'm still Purse Boy.

Yeah.

Okay, we're in.

Aw, yes! Okay.

This party is gonna be lit!

- I regret it already.
- Sh-Sh-She's not

gonna say that
when your friends are here.

I make no promises.

[Groans]



[Door closes]

Hey. You just getting home?

Yeah, I was just hanging out
with a friend.

All night?

Yeah, I'm pretty tired.

You want Grandma to make you
a cup of tea, baby?

No, I just need to rehydrate.

Okay.

[Sighs]

♪ Oh, Happy Day ♪

Whoo. Electrolytes...

Mmm.

♪ Oh, Happy Day ♪

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here.

What friend were you
hanging out with last night?

I was with Niecy.

Okay.

So, were you with her...

or were you with her?

Um, I think the second one?

Aw, Junior, I don't believe you.

You can't be running around my church,

having relations with people.


Yeah, it... it was definitely
the second one.

Do you know how clucky
those church hens are?

They're gonna be gossiping
all over the place

about me and my gigolo grandson

taking advantage of
that sweet little girl.

Niecy texted me, "You up?" and...

Not one more word out of you, young man.

Go to your room.

Go to your room and
think about what you did.

Really?

No. No. Go to your room

and don't think about what you did.

Get out of here!

The hell is wrong with you?

JACK: Oh, man.

I didn't think you guys could do this.

I mean, you got the whole
seventh grade here,

even Cameron Carter.

DIANE: Whoa, and Emily Copeland.

I heard her mom lets her
have co-ed sleepovers.

- What?
- I told you...

...we would deliver the cool kids.

Now, go, and own this moment.

Jack Johnson, Diane Johnson.

You take your full-name status

and you just rub it
in everybody's faces.

Go. Go on.

Welcome to a Jack Johnson
and Diane Johnson production

of the scariest night of your life!

- Yes!
- Whoo!

Oh, and do not forget to stick around

for the after party,
where there's gonna be a deejay

who will play radio edits
of all your favorite songs.

This is lit!

Yeah! That's exactly what
I said, Cameron Carter.

This is lit!

Like, I am legit scared.

This place is hype!

Hyp...

The Hype Twins!

- Oh!
- The Hype Twins!

[Chanting] Hype Twins! Hype Twins!

Hype Twins! Hype Twins!

Hype Twins! Hype Twins!

Hype Twins!

We did it.

- We saved our kids.
- Yes.

Oh, my God. Look. Go on in.

Oh, look at that!

- Are you okay?
- [Voice breaking] Yeah.

I, uh, just never thought that
I'd be such a good father.

Oh.

[Children screaming]

It's a haunted house!
It's supposed to be scary!

Don't leave! There's pizza!

No! The pizza's a trap! It's all a trap!

It wasn't real. It wasn't real.

That baby had a Kn*fe!

Where's Joshua?

Has anyone seen Joshua?

Uh...

I think if we find Joshua...

...we can turn this around.

[Demonic laughter]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Pizza delivery.

If you like, there's
more boxes downstairs.

Yep, more.

Just go.

I'm too upset to eat.

We're sorry, all right?

We were... We were just trying to help.

Yeah.

- And in a way, we did help, you know?
- Yeah.

Because now, no one's gonna
talk about how

lame you were at school the other day.

- Aw, buddy. Aw, I need a hug, too.
- Pepperoni or cheese?

Oh.

How did we mess this up so bad?

Well, we were just trying
to save our kids

from being Helmet Hair and Purse Boy.

I know.

Talking about that seventh-grade purse?

Yeah, it ruined middle school for me.

Your Jheri curl and
all those Chocodiles you ate

ruined middle school for you.

But you got through it, didn't you?

If we can make things
a little less awful

for our kids, shouldn't we?

No.

Middle school is terrible
no matter what.

Now, I know you want to protect the kids

from the pain of growing up,
but you can't.

What you can do is teach them
they can handle it.

- She's not wrong.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's about resilience.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't let being called
Helmet Hair break me.

Pushing through made me stronger.

And that's why you have the
strength to go out in the world

looking like a hot mess
the way you do every day.

I am a beautiful African princess.

Look, Ma,

it's not easy
watching your kids grow up.

Yeah. It happens fast.

One day they're getting called names

and the next day, they're sleeping with

the principal soloist
in your church choir.

Mama, what you talking about?

Oh, it's just something
I saw on "Scandal."

The what?

Eh...

- Excuse me.
- Aah! Aah!

I'm Joshua Miller.

I'm looking for my parents.

Um, you... Okay.

Uh, come this way, dear.



Junior, there you are.

Grandma, before you throw that at me,

you've got your church back.

I'm not going out with Niecy anymore.

Well, I appreciate that.

And I'm sorry I upset you.

You know, it was kind of reckless of me

to hook up with someone
from your church.

The truth is, is that wasn't
what bothered me.

You know Grandma
don't really give a damn

about what people think.

Then what made you so angry?

Oh, I don't know.

You were supposed to be off at college

getting your swerve on.

But now you're doing
this gap year thing,

and it's all happening in front of me.

You becoming a man caught me off guard.

I get that.

It's gonna take me a minute
to get used to

seeing my little grandbaby as a man.

I'll work on that.

So, do men still hug their grandmas?

Come here.

[Laughs] Come here.

[Chuckles] Aww.



DIANE: I can't believe this.

JACK: Do we have to go in?

Yeah, can't we just call in sick?

Or do that cruise ship school
like Zack and Cody?

Look, guys, we know today
is not gonna be easy.

And we are so sorry for interfering.

But there are just some things

that you are gonna need
to handle on your own now.

Okay?

- No, not okay.
- Wha...

You did this.

I'm gonna have to eat lunch
in the bathroom because of you.

Yeah, you two walk us into this school.

Be our human shield.

We... We can't.

We're gonna have to be hands-off.

All right? It's... It's...
It's what's best.

Well, isn't that convenient
for you, Andre.

Let's just get this over with.

Have a... Have a wonderful day.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

It's like watching "The Green Mile."

- Yeah.
- Dead twins walking.

Okay, Dre, I know I said that
we wouldn't help, but I...

- I have an idea.
- Okay.

What if we do help them?

We can't, all right,
even though I want to, all right?

- But they have to do this.
- You're right.

[Sighs]

- Let's get out of here.
- [Dinging]

Use your camera.

I got it right here.

Oh, there's the twins.

Oh, God. Th-They can't do it.

You're wrong. Our kids can't do it.

[Gasps] They've been exiled.

Damn you, seventh grade.

You are not going to believe
what happened.

The haunted house was so scary
Cameron peed himself.

Yeah.

Cameron Carter peed himself?

A kid that pees himself
doesn't get full name status.

And now everyone's calling him
Pee Pee Carter.

And now we're cool because
it happened at our house.

Oh! Oh, okay.

We're back on top!

Middle school is going to
be amazing from here on out.

- Nothing's gonna bring us down.
- [School bell rings]

- Okay.
- Oh, okay.

- Bye.
- I told you.

- Okay.
- Bigger, blacker, deffer!

- Okay, okay, babe.
- [Both chuckle]

I give 'em about two days, though,

and they're gonna be brought down.

Well, let's let them live this moment.

Okay.

Bye, Pee Pee Carter!

Dre, get... Roll up
the window! I'm going.

So my kids were growing up

and learning how to handle
their own business.


And I realized it was time to handle

some unfinished business of my own.

Because if you're true to yourself,

it doesn't matter what people say.

Hey, everybody. Dre's got a purse!

That's right [bleep].

You think I could pull that off?

Shorts? No.

But that purse, though?

Also no.
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