07x01 - Election Special Pt. 1

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Every four years,
Americans participate

in one of the greatest
competitions in the world.

But since we didn't get
to have an Olympics this year,

all eyes are on the election.

The stakes couldn't be higher.

And unlike the Summer Games,

there's no silver medal when
you're running for president.

As the world's longest
continuous democracy,

Americans pride ourselves
on the power we are given

to choose our leaders.

It's one of the things
that makes this country

the greatest on Earth.

Here, everyone is guaranteed
to have a voice.

Ah. What are you doing?

Counting down the days
until you move out?

[Scoffs] Please.

Who would take care of the baby?

Only one month till the big day...

my first time voting
in a presidential election.

Ahh.

I remember voting in
my first presidential election.

I voted for Bill Clinton.

I liked how he only jogged
if he ended up at a McDonald's.

♪♪

I could relate to that.

[Both laugh]

Thanks for sharing that story
with me, Dad.

You know, one day,
I, too, hope to share the story

of me voting in my first
presidential election...

- [Cellphone chimes]
- ...with my childre...

Hold up.

I-It says here
I'm not registered to vote.

Ooh.

That's gonna be a real... short story.

[Sighs]

♪♪

Oh, Lord.

Help us, Black Jesus!

Earl, I think he's back
on the Pokémon again.

You remember when he walked

into that abandoned construction site?

- Oh, yeah.
- [Laughs]

Boy ain't got no sense.

No, I've been purged
from the voter rolls.

Now it's like I don't even exist.

That's the dream, son.

You're no longer
on the government's radar.

You don't have to worry about
being drafted, paying taxes,

getting the Presidential Medal
of Freedom.

- You're in the clear.
- Oh!

No, I want to vote.

I've been so careful to protect myself.

I don't drive over the speed limit.

I've never opened anyone else's mail.

You know, I didn't even drink
underage in college.

Please. Now, how hard was that?

You were only in college for three days.

Mm-hmm. Anyone can not drink
for three days.

I-I'm not gonna do it.
I got nothing to prove.

Okay. I've gotta sort this out.

What should I search for?

"Purge"? No, that's a movie.

Uh... "California rolls."

Nope. That is a food.

Um...

"Removed from voter rolls."

Hmm. Ah.

Ah! Dr. Wilkins.

Very wise man.

Maybe he'll tell me
why I'm not on the rolls.

♪♪

♪♪

Election Day.

You've done all your
preparations and are ready

to make sound, conscious choices
across the entire ballot,

only to find out that you've
somehow become unregistered.

Purged.

See, the system is always
coming up with new ways

to keep you from voting.

Like making you get a photo I.D.
just so you can vote.

Or moving your polling place
at the last minute.

Or like when you're standing
in line to vote

and they make you go through
a separate portal

made for Black people.

Mm! You go in,

you think you're voting,
but guess again.

You've been sucked into a simulation,

and there is no escape.

Boom! You're in the Matrix.

To talk further about
this purposeful oppression,

let me bring out my brother Nick Cannon.

Come on out here, Brother Nick.

Brother's kind of shy.
He's been in hot water lately.

Okay, I'm out.

How is this the number-five
search result?

Right? Should be number one.

Let's see what Dr. Wilkins has to say

about the government
using pennies to steal your DNA.

Pops, this is clearly
a conspiracy website.

Damn right. And it's pointing
out the conspiracy

to keep us from voting.

You know, he was the one who figured out

that menopause was invented
by the fan industry.

Okay, I am not interested
in conspiracies.

I am trying to figure out
why I'm not registered,

hopefully from someone
who doesn't use their platform

to promote boutique colon cleansing.

Oh. Like this.

Here's a piece from a documentary.

Hmm.

NARRATOR: American history
teaches us that in ,

the Founding Fathers declared
that all men were created equal.

But is that too rose-colored a view?

Three-quarters of the people who signed

the Declaration of Independence
owned slaves.

Not only were the vast majority
of them slaveowners,

but the Founding Fathers
imposed limits on voting

that not only excluded Black people,

but all women and non-property
holders, as well.

When this nation elected
its first president,

only six percent of the adult
population was eligible to vote.

That means that "We the People"

has never meant "all the people."

Six percent?

That's not democracy.

Hell, I tip more than %.

When the service demands it.

Mm.

Everything we've been taught is a lie.

Junior.

Junior, you asleep?

Nope.

Just given up hope.

Well, good.

Means you won't need this popcorn.

Wha...

♪♪

DRE: Junior started out trying
to answer a simple question

about why he was purged
from the voter rolls,

but he ended up
facing some unpleasant truths

about how America wasn't living up

to the ideas he'd been taught.

♪♪

Doing a deep dive
into the founding of America,

Junior went down a rabbit hole,

looking up presidential writings,

searching unfair voting practices,

with an occasional break

to snack on scalding-hot pizza rolls.

He was investigating whether
voter fraud is real or not,

all in the pursuit
of understanding our system.

If only there was some way
I could help him understand.

Welcome back
to "Democracy in Jeopardy!",

the only game show that combines
all the fun of trivia

and all of the unfairness of
the American political system.

Our next question...

Who votes to determine the winner

of a presidential election?

- The American people.
- [Buzzer]

- The Illuminati.
- [Buzzer]

- The Electoral College.
- [Ding]

- Good for you, for $ .
- [Cheers and applause]

The president, in fact, is chosen

by an unelected group of people

who you've never heard of.

Who are they? How did they get there?

You'll never know.

Uh, that's the definition
of the Illuminati.

Judges?

Uh... well, the judges say
they can't prove

that you're not right,

so, Charlie, you get $ .

Yes!

Can I get that up out you right now?

Our next question.

True or false...
Even with the Electoral College,

everyone's vote for
the president counts the same.

- True. One person, one vote.
- [Buzzer]

Ooh. Sorry.

The answer is false.

States with smaller populations
get more power.

So if you're from Wyoming,
congratulations!

And if you're from California,
prepare for the Big One.

But you are better off
than all the people

in Puerto Rico
and the U.S. Virgin Islands

and all of the other less
vacation-y U.S. territories.

They have no say-so
in who the president is,

but lucky for them,
they still get to pay taxes.

- Mm. That part.
- [Chuckles]

All right. Here's our final question.

Why was the Electoral College
implemented?

Illuminati! It's got...
It's gotta be the Illuminati.

- [Buzzer]
- Ooh. Sorry, Charlie.

The answer is sl*very.

The answer is almost always sl*very.

Did you know that four
of the first five presidents

were from the South?

The other, John Adams, was from Boston,

the South of the North.

[Laughs]

[Buzzer distorts]

Uh-oh. Looks like we're out of time.

Let's tally up the scores

and see who our winner is for today.

Okay. It looks like
our winner is Contestant One!

Yeah!

What? But I'm winning.

Ooh. You were winning.

But your points only count
for three-fifths of a White man.

[Gasps]

Thanks, Founding Fathers.

[Theme music plays]

I never knew
our elections were so unfair.

[Scoffs] Oh, yeah.
I learned that the hard way.

In the Sprite Remix
"Meet LeBron" contest,

I voted , times
for my favorite flavor,

and what did I win?

Nothing!

Plus, I drank so much soda
that now my teeth are soft.

It makes no sense.

My entire life, I have heard
"one person, one vote."

But it turns out that my vote

doesn't matter as much
as other people's?

Okay. The Electoral College
is messed up.

But... hold on.

Ah!

The Fifteenth Amendment gave
Black people the right to vote.

That should've fixed things.

Oh. Look.

Here's a kids story about what happened

once we were finally able to vote.

♪♪

Oh, hello, children.

Would you like to hear a story?

You would? [Chuckles]

♪♪

It says here it's all about
a young man down South

who's finally old enough to vote.

And it's called...

"Frankie's Big Day."

Would you, could you... read it with me?

All right. Here we go.

♪ Mmm ♪

"Frankie couldn't help but gloat.

'Look at me! I'm old enough to vote!'

He walked to the polls
in his new red vest.

Where a man said, 'Look here,
boy, you need a literacy test!

If we say it's correct, then we'll know

if into the voting booth you can go.'

Frankie knew he was smart,
so he wasn't afraid,

till he heard the questions,
which made him dismayed.

'How many bubbles are in a bar of soap?

Spell "backwards" forwards.

Can you? Nope?

Well this one's easy,
so don't get lippy.

Interpret the Constitution
of Mississippi.'

With a heavy broken heart
and a lump in his throat,

Frankie left and walked home,
unable to vote."

The End.

[Sniffs]

That's the end of "Frankie's Big Day."

[Utensils crash]

[Bleep] that noise.

[Mug shatters]

Man, it's like every time
we jump over one hurdle,

they throw two more in our way.

Wow. Sounds terrible.

Do you know our dentist's phone number?

[Scoffs]

♪♪

Junior was losing his faith.

Every bit of solid ground
he tried to stand on

turned out to be quicksand.

But he still had an ember of hope.

Thank God for the Voting Rights Act.

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
d*ck's first guest,

The Voting Rights Act of .

[Funky music plays]

♪♪

- Not bad.
- [Laughter]

How are ya?

I'm fantastic.

I mean, I remember
when I was just a glimmer

in Dr. King's eye,
and now I'm fully enacted,

sitting here with d*ck Cavett.

Good to see you.

You too.

Do you mind if I brag for a minute?

In the two years I've existed,

I have made voting fairer
in this country.

I have eliminated literacy tests

and placed observers in problem states.

I'm not gonna name them
on television, but...

[Southern accent]
y'all know who y'all are.

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]
And Black voter registration

is up %!

- [Cheers and applause]
- Yeah, makes me so happy,

I just... have to dance.

- [Funky music plays]
- Hey! Hey!

ANNOUNCER: You know her,
you love her, she's an icon.

Put your hands together for
The Voting Rights Act of !

Yes. Ho ho!

Hello.

Nice to see you. How you doing today?

Well, I'm still doing my thing
after years!

So, yeah, I guess
I'm holding up all right.

I noticed that.
Just upon looking at you,

you've got it goin' on.

Thank you, thank you.

But what I really got going on
is some hard work.

You know, since I started,
the South has moved

from three Black state
legislators to over !

And Washington now has
Black Congresspeople.

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, I hear that.

Y'all want me to dance.

All right. Need a shoulder roll.

Give me that shoulder roll.

Hey! Hey!

ANNOUNCER: From Hollywood,
it's "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

[Cheers and applause]

Very good to see you. You look great.

Like your hair. It's good to see you.

- How... How are you doing?
- Not great.

It's been a nightmare since
the Supreme Court gutted me.

That might be a little bit unpleasant.

Yeah.

For almost years,
I kept problem states

from discouraging
Black and minority voters.

And then the court turned around
and ripped out my Section !

That's right. And so...

And let me tell you,
once the court ruled,

a bunch of states drew up new maps,

diluting minority voting power.

They enacted new voter I.D. laws

and k*lled same day registration

and cut polling place hours.

And I was helpless to stop it.

[Slurps]

I'm sorry I'm not more fun.

I know I normally dance,

but there's nothing to dance about.

Nothing!

Damn.

Why the longer face?

All our lives, we've been told
how important it is to vote...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...to change the system.

But it feels like the system
just keeps on finding ways

to make sure our voices don't matter!

You know, I'm starting to feel
like this country

isn't what I thought it was.

Hey! Don't talk like that.

You know what?
I got just the thing for you.

- [Whoosh]
- There you go.

[Hip-hop music plays]

♪♪

♪ Yeah, I just wanna focus on my vote ♪

♪ I ain't got no time, I got to work ♪

♪ Yeah, rent is comin' up,
I need this cash ♪

♪ Plus, I got a couple
terminations in my past, yeah ♪

♪ Gotta ask my bosses for a day off ♪

♪ But if I do,
I know I might get laid off ♪

♪ I just wanna focus on my vote ♪

♪ I just wanna focus on my vote, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm old enough,
but I ain't know ♪

♪ So many things were gonna hold me up ♪

♪ Wanted to rock the vote
when I was growin' up ♪

♪ Now they hit the re-rock,
how they slow me up ♪

♪ I just want to get to the ballot ♪

♪ I just want to feel like I'm valid ♪

♪ Put in my vote, I can have it ♪

♪ But that shouldn't feel like magic ♪

♪ It's the best way
to make my voice heard ♪

♪ And that should be a*t*matic ♪

♪ That's my American right ♪

♪ I just wanna focus on my vote ♪

Why'd you show me that?

Now I feel even worse.

Uh, yeah. That's why I showed it to you.

Everything I thought
I knew about voting is wrong.

The more I look, the more I see

there were a million roadblocks
set up from the beginning.

The greatest trick that
the Founding Fathers ever pulled

was convincing us that we were
a real democracy.

Maybe not everyone deserves
their right to vote.

It would probably work better
if there was

just one young woman
with amazing glasses and dimples

who made the decisions for all
the mouth-breathers out there.

- Um...
- And if they had a problem with it,

then the streets would
run red with their blood.

Junior had come to the end of his search

and found the worst possible thing...

the truth.

America hasn't wanted
Black people to vote

since the day
this country became a country.

He learned that the system isn't broken.

It's working exactly
how it was designed.

"Streets would run red
with their blood."

Ooh, I like that.

I'm gonna tweet it.

- [Whoosh]
- Okay.

I don't even know
what to believe anymore.

Did Sam Adams even make beer?

Okay, how am I
supposed to enjoy secret cake

with you here watching me?

Man, that's not secret!

[Sighs]

What's wrong, son?

Are you still upset that you got
kicked off the voting rolls?

- Just go re-register.
- Why?

So they can figure out another
way to keep me from voting?

[Scoffs] I'm out.

You're out?

Yeah!

Everything I have been taught

about the promise
of this country is a lie.

From the founding to the way

that the Electoral College
disenfranchises people

to the way that even when
we got the right to vote,

we had to pass all these crazy tests.

Every time we have
earned the right to vote,

they have figured out some way
to claw it back from us.

Dr. Wilkins was right.

Dr. Wilkins?

That dude from the Internet
that Pops loves

that thinks
mayonnaise makes you sterile?

Yeah.

I mean, the science is
still out on that one.

But he is right about there being

a conspiracy against us voting.

Well, it is a conspiracy.

It is.

"A group of people plotting purposefully

to do something harmful."

That is the definition
of "conspiracy," son,

and it's been happening since jump.

So you get why there is
no point in voting.

Hey, I see why you're frustrated, son.

The machine was built to keep us out.

But the only time that things
changed in this country

is when people did whatever it takes

to make their voices count.

From the Civil w*r to Women's Suffrage

to the Civil Rights Movement,

America got better
when more people voted.

[Leon Bridges'
"That Was Yesterday" plays]

♪♪

♪ Yesterday, I had nothing ♪

♪ Didn't know whether
I'd amount to something ♪

♪ I had holes in my shoes
and in my clothes ♪

We must say "Wake up, America! Wake up!"

For we cannot stop, and we will
not and cannot be patient.

OBAMA: ...and that the faith
of this democracy

depends on how we use it,

that democracy isn't a*t*matic.

It has to be nurtured.

It has to be tended to.

We have to work at it.

It's hard.

So we're also gonna have to
remember what John said...

"If you don't do everything
you can do to change things,

then they will remain the same."

♪ That was yesterday ♪

"You only pass this way once.

You have to give it all you have."

♪ That was yesterday ♪

So, you see, you have to vote, son.

I know it may sound hopeless,

but that's what they want you to believe

to keep you from participating.

But the ballot
is the best w*apon we have.

[Sighs]

Okay. Let me tell it to you like this.

There are people out there
who are working their asses off

to keep us from voting.

Now, they're only doing that

because they are afraid of our power.

I'm gonna re-register.

Good.

All right, now, while you're out there

doing that for the next couple of weeks,

checking and double-checking
to make sure

that you're still on the voter rolls,

can you check my name, too?

[Chuckles] Of course.

All right. [Chuckles]

- Hey.
- Hmm?

You think I got booted
because we have the same name?

You know, like, maybe
they thought it was a duplicate?

[Chuckles]

You really think it's that simple, son?

Nah.

It was definitely something sinister.

Yeah. That's my boy.

Yeah.

Uh-huh!

That's Andre Jr. talking right there!

Ha ha!

I never thought he'd leave.

Ooh. Sticker.

♪♪

What are you doing?

I just voted.

But you didn't leave the house.

Yeah, I'm voting by mail.

Not surprisingly,
they are doing all they can

to slow down mail service,

so I'm sending it in
as early as possible.

Mm. You trust the post office?

Of course I do.

You don't?

No way!

Dr. Wilkins says that
all the post office delivers

is diabetes.

♪♪

Thank God he can't vote yet.

♪♪