07x02 - Election Special Pt. 2

[bunniefuu]

DRE: In America,
anyone can serve their country

at the highest levels,

no matter where you started from.

Blanche Bruce was born a sl*ve,

but became a U.S. Senator

just years after the Civil w*r.

Honest Abe's first house

was smaller than my sneaker closet,

but his last house
was a little bit bigger.

Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer.

I'm gonna say it again... peanut farmer!

And he became President.

And more recently,

someone went from making
margaritas in Manhattan

to making history in Congress.

Anyone can go from the outhouse
to the White House,

no matter their background.

You just have to have what it takes.

Great news, guys!

I'm running for Congress!

You mean you're running from Congress.

At first, I wasn't sure
I had what it takes,

but it turns out

a painting I won in a poker game

was by Jean-Michel Basqui-something.

So I sold that,

and now I definitely
have what it takes...

millions and millions of dollars.

Ahh, I love the smell of
democracy in the morning.

Yep, anyone can run...

damn it.

What's your angle with this? Tax scam?

Trying to launch your
own TV network? What?

There's no angle.

I just feel like this country's
given me so much.

It seems like I can take a little more.

Boss, I'd trust anyone whose ancestors

pushed someone off the Mayflower.

You already have great name recognition.

Your name's on the wall, my checks,

all my business cards.

You support this, Charlie?

There's always room for one Black guy

in a campaign like this.

Bush had Powell, Tr*mp had Carson,

Obama had... Obama.

How did you even get on the ballot?

I'm a rich White man. I asked.

Gentlemen, [Sighs] I believe it's time

for me to go get photographed
with an eagle.

[Eagle cries]

Careful with that bird.

He was a Christmas present
from Ted Nugent.

- [Dog barks, eagle cries]
- Aah!

Run, Ginger!

[Dog barking]

[Dog squeals]

Well, you're never going to believe

what Stevens says he's gonna do.

Hunt Josh for sport?

Fund a South American coup?

De-integrate baseball?

Stop calling Inglewood
a "basketball neighborhood"?

No, he's gonna run for Congress!

Oh. Well, that makes sense.

How does that make sense?

It's normal behavior
for guys like him...

when the wiener pills stop working,

they try to screw the country.

Problem is White men
don't know how to be bored.

That's why they're always
opening up vineyards.

Well, he's wasting his time.

As soon as Ronan Farrow
gets ahold of that folder

labeled "Do not show Ronan Farrow,"

it's over.

Well, I'm for it.

I'm in favor of anything

that brings us closer
to society breaking down.

Don't get too excited.

Stevens doesn't stand a chance.

I wouldn't be so sure.

A tall White man with
all his original hair?

[Laughs]

He's already got my vote.

Mm-hmm. Mine too.

I like that he's a bad person.

A politician should be willing
to get his hands dirty.

Marion Barry bought cr*ck.

You tellin' me he can't handle
the parks department?

Guys, you really think Stevens
can get elected?

Dad, I am totally with you.

What are his chances?

He's sexist, out of touch,

completely amoral...

Oh, God.

He's gonna win.

You're probably right, Jack.

I'm Junior.

Uh, sorry.

Kind of been on my own show.

Anyway, money talks,

and there's never been
more of it in politics.

Thank you, Citizens United.

- That's a soccer team.
- No, it's not.

Oh, sorry, "football" team.

Aww, buddy.

Citizens United was a court case

that removed limits

on how much corporations
can spend on elections.

Mm-hmm.

Makes it harder for
regular folks to win.

Sure, it's harder,

but grassroots candidates

are running all across the country.

People are energized.

When you have ideas

and the support of the people,
no opponent...

no matter how much money
they have... can stop you.

An inspirational candidate

can ignite the will of the voters,

fulfilling the true promise
of democracy.

[Laughs]

You almost had me there.

"True promise of democracy."

That's good, Bow.

All right. Who else wants pizza?

You know Stevens has settled
eight paternity suits?

I didn't even have to dig.

He's on Twitter bragging about it.

Guys, we're dropping McDonald's,
Coca-Cola, and Disney.

We've got a new, bigger client...

moi.

We are gonna make
so much money off of me.

First things first.

Josh, purchase me some blue jeans

so I look approachable
to the lower classes.

I will order something

from the Brett Favre collection, sir.

Okay, this is too much.

What do you mean?

I don't know what he stands for,

and I don't think it should be my job

to support his ego trip.

I'm starting to get
uncomfortable with all of this.

STEVENS: All right, everybody.

I'm gonna need you all to come with me,

especially Dre and Charlie.

Why?

[Crowd cheering]

Okay.

I'm definitely uncomfortable with this.

Come on, Dre.

We got the best seats in the house.

The camera can see us and everything.

STEVENS: I'm a tough business leader.

My opponents are asking,

"What does a wealthy man
know about the common man?"

See for yourselves!

MAN: [Gasps] Those are the new Favres!

I'm very accustomed
to dungaree trousers.

Why are these people clapping?

He doesn't believe in anything.

This is just a joke to him!

The right person can fulfill

the true promise of democracy.

Do you think I'm the right person?

No, Taylor Swift is.

Of course it's you, n*gro!

- Do something!
- STEVENS: ...first order of business

will be to eliminate taxes

on privately owned submarines.

- Yo, Stevens!
- [Crowd murmuring]

You know, I'm really happy for you.

I'mma let you finish, but I'm running.

Andre Johnson is running for Congress!

[Crowd booing]

Lock him up!

Lock him up!

Lock him up!

You're running for Congress?

You said it yourself...

the right person can win.

Yeah, but I was talking
about a teacher or a nurse

or a stunning anesthesiologist.

What made you think
you were the man for the job?

Because I'm looking at you right now,

and you are not.

JACK: Yeah.

You always say the news

should be replaced with another ESPN.

And I stand by that.

But I still understand
how real people live

better than somebody who's never known

what it's like to pay rent.

Isn't that what we want
from politicians?

Politicians should also
read up on what the job is.

Like, um, what district
are you running for, Dad?

This one?

Look, I've been thinking.

All Americans want
the same things, right?

A life of dignity,

where they can provide
a future for their children.

There may be different ways
to achieve that,

but if we hold on to an idea

that unites us more than divides us,

then we can really start
to solve problems.

Now, I've had a little bit to drink,

but if I had my eyes closed,

I'd have thought
that was Obama speaking.

Yeah, a better-looking, smarter Obama.

Ain't that right, baby?

I don't know about this, Dre.

Bow, I'm serious.

This is important.

Without honest people in D.C.,

how can we expect things to get better?

And I can't do this on my own.

Be my Michelle.

♪♪

Tell us who you're wearing!

Who am I wearing?

My own label, of course.

Hey, Jay and Bey!

Aw, you guys left Blue Ivy at my house,

and now she doesn't want to leave.

[Laughs]

Can we get a comment

on the tragic death of your husband

by barbecue-induced heart expl*si*n?

It's a sad day for our family,

but a bright day for America

because I am now president.

And I'll also be my own Surgeon General.

Let's do this!

Yes, we can, Dre.

Oh, yes, we can.

Great! Can I be your campaign manager?

I know all about the election process.

I even read "No Stoppin' the Populace"

by George Stephanopoulos.

Just hire him.

Fine.

My family had my back,

and I was ready to get to work.

Junior surprised everybody

by setting up a call with Stacey Abrams.

[Computer beeps]

Hello, Dre.

I'm so happy to be talking to you today

about mail-in voting.

What? I thought we were
talking about my campaign.

I may have lied to both of you,

but since we're here
and the data's free,

I don't see why we both can't get

what we want out of this call.

Okay, look, Stacey Abrams,
I'm running for Congress.

I want to change the system,

but I'm not sure where to start.

Running for office is a lot of work,

mostly fundraising.

To b*at the big money you're up against,

you'll need community support.

Knock on doors, talk at churches

and union meetings.

And that'll be enough?

Oh, definitely not.

So I can't imagine you pulling it off.

I was looking for more of a pep talk.

Um... you've lost weight?

Well, thank you, Stacey Abrams.

Wait a second.

How would you know? We just met.

I don't need to know you

to tell you that we need
everyone to vote early.

The important thing is making sure

your voice is heard this November.

Oh, that is not a problem for him.

He is a very loud man.

Don't you embarrass me

in front of Stacey Abrams, boy!

Hey, Stacey Abrams,
can I get an endorsement?

Sorry, Georgia earthquake.

Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble.

B-Best of luck.

[Sam & Dave's "Hold on,
I'm Comin'" plays]

After getting Stacey Abrams'
implicit endorsement,

I decided to follow her advice
and hit the streets.

♪ Now, don't you ever feel sad ♪

Look at the cute little,
wittle baby with the...

- ♪ Lean on me ♪
- Ow!

♪ When times get bad ♪

- ♪ When the day come ♪
- [Gasps]

- ♪ And you're down ♪
- [Locks clicking]

♪ In a river of trouble ♪

[Doorbell rings]

- ♪ You about to drown ♪
- Hi, neighbor.

I'm Janine Greenstein.

I just wanted to talk to you about...

- [Both grunt]
- Ohh!

Dre Johnson for Congress.

- ♪ Hold on ♪
- Huh.

- ♪ I'm comin' ♪
- That kind of worked.

Get up, Janine.

We've got more houses to hit.

JANINE: [Weakly] I landed on a cactus.

Look, I'm not afraid

to answer that question, Desus and Mero.

When I'm in office,

my term is going to be about
making the tough calls.

So here we go...

garlic Parmesan, Cajun,

and number one is lemon pepper.

Hold up, my guy!

Buffalo doesn't even cr*ck the top three

in your wing ranking?

Are you serious?

Nope. Not for me.

I'm losing my mind right now.

I respect that. That's bold.

But are you a ranch

or are you a bleu cheese kind of dude?

Um...

Say bleu cheese,
you'll look like an elitist.

If you say ranch,

the voters will know you're pandering.

How are you gonna
get out of this one, Dad?

You know, I get both.

I like to dip the drumettes in the ranch

and the flats in the bleu.

Much like America,

I believe in a blending of flavors.

Yes!

♪ Hold on ♪

Spoken like a true
man of the people, Dre.

You got my vote, man.

I got to vote for him, as well.

[Audience cheers]

Then the hologram of Biggie

hugs the hologram of Tupac.

Then they both introduce Kendrick Lamar,

who introduces me.

Do we have the budget for that?

We have the budget for...

a poster! [Chuckles]

Well, well, well...

if it isn't my enemy.

I notice you've been making
some headway,

but I've got just the thing for that.

ANNOUNCER: Andre Johnson has
over a hundred pairs of shoes.

What's he running from?

Can we trust a man

who still lives with his parents?

Face it... Andre Johnson
is out of his depth.

And he can't even swim.

Paid for by the powerful friends
of Leslie Stevens.

[Eagle cries]

Outstanding!

Notes, anybody?

Can we make it race-baitier?

We'll save the race-baiting stuff

for social-media pudding.

- You can't air that.
- Thank you.

Not until you switch the last photo

to black and white

and slow-zoom on his mouth
to make him look scarier.

Whose side are you on?

I'm on the side of becoming
Secretary of Transportation.

Gonna finally get my Celica
out the pound.

You know what?

I refuse to respond to this.

I've got integrity.

When you go low, I go high.

Great.

While you go high,

we'll be going to my $ , -a-plate

fundraising dinner.

My campaign will have made
enough money to crush you

by the time they serve the koala steaks.

♪♪

JUNIOR: Okay.

So, the next time I get you
a radio interview,

try not to say,

"Does anyone still listen to this?"

MAN: Psst! Yo, bro.

Charlie? Is that you?

Look, man, they told you,

if you're gonna sleep in the car,

it has to be your own.

Hey, man. You're Dre Johnson, right?

I'm a huge fan.

Look, I heard through the grapevine...

and I have not been
bugging your phone...

that your campaign
could use some funding,

and it just so happens I've got a check

with your name written
all over it, dogg.

- Who are you?
- Come on, man.

Why does that matter?
I'm just a friend...

a friend with some money.

Where's this money coming from?

[Chuckling] Where's
this money coming from?

C'mon, Dre, you got so many questions.

It's all good, baby.

This is just one stranger

speaking to another stranger in a garage

about funding his campaign
with a bunch of money.

Why you gotta be so weird about this?

Unh-unh.

No one ever gives you
something for nothing.

Learned that the hard way

when I took a couch off the curb

and it was full of earwigs.

So, what's the catch?

There's no catch. I just want to help.

You take some money, do some evil,

next thing you know, you're in Congress.

Did you just say "do some evil"?

Why would I say "do some evil"

if I really wanted you
to do some evil, dogg?

I do want you to do evil, though.

But why would I say that?

That's weird. C'mon, man.

- I'm good.
- All right, all right, all right.

Here, take my card.

Give me a call if you change your mind.
We can do some evil.

Guy didn't even get into a car.

Just went right back into the shadows.

Hello. I'm calling from

the Andre Johnson for Congress campa...

Uh, well, that's not a very nice
thing to say to a child.

I have your phone number.

You think I don't have your address?

My dad's running for Congress.

Can we have some money?

Oh, so if I send you bucks,

you'll send back ?

That's a great deal.

And how is the fish prepared?

Yum. Let me get two orders.

Yeah, you can charge it to the campaign.

There he is!

Good news, Dre.

Well, I need it.

Some shady dude just tried to bribe me.

Well, you're not gonna need his money

'cause... drum roll, please...

today, we raised almost $ .

$ ?

That's not even enough
for our campaign mailers.

And, actually, that was the good news.

Because there's bad news, too.

Stevens just dropped this.

Andre Johnson's running for Congress?

[Laughs]

Andre Johnson, not I,

crashed my Toyota Celica

through the window of a doughnut shop.

He does not follow the five-second rule.

You sold me out, son?

So if I dropped a hot dog right now,

you're not gonna eat it?

I probably would.

Look, maybe a lot of people

won't see that Stevens ad.

- [Plane engine whirring]
- Well, they'll probably see this.

Smart.

It's not technically slander

if it's written as a question.

♪♪

DRE: I was starting to realize

it was going to take
more than my beliefs

to get into Washington.

Without money, I was in trouble.

STEVENS: ...preserve, protect,

and defend the Constitution
of the United States,

so help me God.

Time's up, Canada.

[Alarm blaring]

[Gasps]

[Laughs evilly]

[Gasping]

[Laughs evilly]

Nooooooo!

[Gasps]

[Whimpering]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hey, I've thought about your offer,

and I'm in.

Ooh, this is Dre Johnson.

Please give me dirty money.

If I'd learned anything,

it's that I needed to go all-in
to b*at Stevens.

Here it is.

JUNIOR: Leslie Stevens thinks

you're too old to vote.

Why else hasn't he come out
against a maximum voting age?

Maybe it's because he supports them.

Leslie Stevens...

wrong for Grandpa, Grandma, and America.

I'm Andre Johnson,
and I approve this message.

Riling up the elderly
for personal gain?!

I've never been more proud, son.

It's running during
every local news broadcast.

What happened to
"When they go low, we go high"?

That attitude is for losers.

Michelle Obama said it.

And how many elections has she won?

What about the issues
you said you cared about?

I haven't forgotten dignity
and all that crap.

It's just first things first.

Ugh.

I can call him a sellout, right?

Guys, I know it's not a good look,

but you've got to trust me.

This money is just a means to an end,

and it'll all be worth it

when I b*at Stevens
and save a grateful nation.

Next up, is your home toxic?

Unh-unh! Put that local news back on.

I want to know what the silent k*ller is

lurking under my sink.

♪♪

ODIN: Drizzy Dre.

Looking like $ , .
in that suit we bought you.

That's very specific.

I got a speech for you to read, my man.

I've already got a speech.

- Does it begin "My fellow Americans"?
- Yeah.

Well, then it's basically
the same speech.

Trust me, it's the least
you could do for us, Dre,

after we paid for your ads, this rally.

Come on, baby,
we're looking out for you.

Now, look, the new speech
will be up on the teleprompter.

- You can read, right?
- Of course I can.

Look at you,
just breaking down stereotypes.

I told you he could read.

C'mon, Dre, let's get
out there and k*ll 'em.

ANNOUNCER: Your next congressperson,

Andre Johnson!

♪ Hold on ♪

- ♪ I'm comin' ♪
- [Cheers and applause]

♪ I'm on my way ♪

My fellow Americans,

I stand before you today to promise

that when I'm elected,

I will sponsor legislation

to help the working people
of this country,

everyday people like you.

Thus I promise to vote
to slash taxes on business,

provide subsidies to clean tobacco...

[Crowd murmuring]

Teleprompter man, can you
scroll down a little?

I, Andre Johnson,

will end the tyranny of national parks,

militarize the fire department?

What is this?

[Crowd murmuring]

[Sighs]

I can't do this.

Look, when you have to take
millions from private interests

just to run,

there's no way principles
can come first.

- Even an honest man doesn't stand a chance.
- Damn. His integrity's back.

Let's shut it down, guys.

- The system is set up so that...
- Could have had it all, Dre.

Do you know how hard it was

for me to find a jacket in a Short?

That was made by children,

working all night... maskless.

And it's not about

whether you're a Democrat
or a Republican.

Money corrupts the best of us.

I know.

I'm the best, and it corrupted me.

It did!

Huh?

People, we need to reduce

corporate influence on politics,

stop unlimited money in campaigns,

and keep track of where
funds are coming from.

You can take my stage.

- [Crowd gasping]
- Mm.

You can take the clothes off my back.

But you will never take my voice.

[Feedback]

Hmm.

[All gasp]

- Mm.
- Aah!

[Giggles]

I'm sorry you all
had to see me in my shame.

And people wonder why
I never come home anymore.

Guess I blew my chances at Congress,

but at least I stood up
for what I believe in.

Oh, babe.

You didn't do that at all.

[Whispering] It's Stacey Abrams.

Just checking in to see how it went.

Great, great.

I mean, I stood up
for what I believed in,

and then everyone saw my nuggets,

but otherwise great.

- What?
- [Sighs]

An average guy like me

doesn't stand a sh*t against big money.

It's true. The campaign
with the most money

wins most of the time.

But there are passionate people

who have dedicated their lives
to making change.

They're the ones
who are gonna break through

and b*at the system.

It's David versus Goliath.

But never forget,
in that story, David wins.

DRE: Stacey Abrams was right.

The odds may seem long,

but with regular folks
like teachers and activists

and mechanics and librarians
getting into politics

and fighting for the common person,

we can look forward to a future

where our government
actually looks like America.

Should I keep up the fight
like Stacey Abrams?

Uh, it hasn't been great.

You're wearing a trash bag.

Half a trash bag.

I... can't turn around.

My God, please don't turn around.

And it appears
business owner Leslie Stevens

loses by one point

to unhinged billionaire
Thad Hearst-Kennedy,

who outspent Stevens to .

We did it.

Together, we will rise up
and reinforce the system.

It's disgraceful
that someone with more money

can just waltz in on a lark
and buy his way into power.

What kind of country is this anymore?

If we hadn't just renounced
our citizenship

for tax purposes, I would be horrified.

Hmm!