06x15 - Cheap Saks

[bunniefuu]

Hey.
Hey, babe.

Ugh. I gotta learn to put
a few more minutes

between toothbrushing
and orange juice.

Now, don't forget, we have that
show at the art gallery tonight.

Oh, God.

Come on, you can keep
yourself busy

by looking for paintings
with boobies.

Oh, yeah, like boobies in
paintings are a real turn-on.

They got like one boobie here, a
boobie on her head... it's crazy.

All right, look,
here's the address,

go straight from work,
the gallery's in soho.

It's in an old
meat-packing warehouse.

OK, so they took out beef
and moved in art.

I have nothing more
to say to you.

God, this is brutal.

I can't believe Carrie's
making me do this.

Hey, thanks for coming
with me, man.

Thanks for rescuing me from
Kelly's American Idol party.

Man, Denise
would've loved this.

This is the first gallery
opening I've been to since...

Since she dumped you?

She didn't dump me, OK?

We parted at her request.

Why don't you just chill
out and get some wine?

Where the hell is Carrie?

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just got
a little museum head.

Oh, uh, go ahead, take it.

No, no. Go ahead.

I heard it's a zinfandel,
so no big loss.

Well, according to
my wine enthusiasts' club,

Zinfandel is the new Merlot.

You're kidding, right?

What's next? We start
chilling chiantis?

Oh, my God, no.

What?

See that girl over there?

That's Trish Flintoff.

I dated her, like,
years ago.

Yeah, and what happened?

Oh, the way I ended things, I was--

Guy, take it easy, man. You've
been married for, like, years.

I know, you know, but I
cannot be seen by her, OK?

She's on my "top most most
awkward people to run into" list.

Right after this friend of my
dad's, who taught me to wrestle.

Sorry about that, guys.

I just got asked out
on a date.

Good for you, man.
Where is she?

Uh, it's that guy over there.
By the way,

if you like sheep's milk,
do not miss the cheese table.

OK, it's not what you think,
all right?

After this whole thing
with Denise,

it's nice to have someone
who's into me again.

What's wrong with that?

Well, I could think
of things,

and they rhyme
with schmesticles.

Calm down.
It's just dinner and a movie.

Wait. You said yes?

Yeah. He's a nice guy.

We have a lot in common,
and I gotta eat.

What's your end game here?

We go out, he makes me
feel desirable again,

and then when he
makes his move, I go,

"ooh, sorry, buddy.
I'm sweet on ladykind...

But I'm very touched."

I'm sure you will be.

I don't know why I
tell you guys anything.

Oh, good. There's Carrie. Let's go.

OK.

Oh, Carrie, too close
to she who hates me.

My God, they touched!

They touched!
They're talking!

Do something.
Create a distraction.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.
Moonwalk.

Oh, she likes her purse.
Get the hell out of there.

Wow, they're really
hitting it off.

Stop it.
Stop talking.

Stop talking.

Oh, no.
They're coming over here.

Hell. I'm in hell.

Honey, hi.

I want you to meet somebody.
Trish, this is my husband Doug.

Doug, this is Trish.

Hi, Doug.

I owe you a phone call.

I'm just saying, do you
have to have lunch with her?

Doug, you went out with her
years ago

and we hit it off
and she works for Saks

and she's gonna take me to the
friends and family sale next week.

Look, I am begging you
to let this go.

Doug, could you just
explain to me

what happened that
was so terrible

that I can't even have
a meal with her?

I- I'll tell you, but I
just want you to remember

I'm still the same ol' Doug
who can make you laugh

with only his belly button.

Would you just tell me
what happened?

Well, we went out
a couple times

and I realized it wasn't
going anywhere long-term,

so I may have bought
concert tickets

for a tour that was
months in the future

to make her think
I was serious

so that she would sleep
with me.

That's really jerky,
but--

there's more.

Ah, after we
finally hooked up,

I may have climbed out
of her bedroom window

with $ that I may have taken
off her dresser for cab fare.

OK, that's horrendously jerky
a little more.

A little more.

The next day, she called my answering
machine and left this crazy message.

And she may have
caught me playing it

for a bunch of my buddies
for our general amusement.

Oh, my God, Doug.
You're a monster!

What could've possibly
possessed you to act that way?

Was she so awful?

I don't know.

She said the word
"literally" a lot.

What?

Yeah. It's literally the
best muffin I ever had.

Oh, it's literally the
funniest show I ever saw.

Aagg.
Yeah. Aagg.

I know, what a bitch.
I wish she were dead.

I'm not proud of what I
did, OK? I feel terrible.

That's why I'm asking
you to drop this.

No, I can't drop this, OK?

On behalf of all women, I think
I owe it to her to have lunch,

and we're having lobster
that you're paying for.

Fine, but... whatever bad
stuff she says about me,

just remember this.

Ah, that was literally

the most annoying waiter
I've ever had.

Ohh.
He was all over us.

Do you know he actually
tried to fill my iced tea

as I was drinking it.
It's unprecedented.

I know.
Crazy.

All right. You know,
I'm gonna run upstairs.

Could you throw this
in the fridge? Sure.

Hey, Doug.

I guess there's
a little outlet there.

There's an outlet there.
Hey.

So how was lunch? A little
midday lady chow, huh?

It was great. We had
a wonderful time.

Yeah, you know what I always
say about a good lunch.

Just like a good dinner.

Only earlier and...

Often a sandwich,
as opposed to a platter.

Doug, it's OK.
It's OK.

I'm over what happened between us.

You are?
Yeah.

I'm not gonna say
it didn't hurt me,

but, um, it was
a long time ago

and I've lost the weight. The weight?

Yeah. I put on about
pounds after you dumped me.

All right. OK.

I lost the weight.
I kicked the amphetamines,

which, incidentally, I took to
lose the weight, and I've moved on.

Hey, at least you had a fun time
eating your way up that pounds.

I've lost the use
of one kidney.

Been there.

Look, Trish, I, uh, I never officially
apologized to you. You know, I-I...

I acted like a real jerk.
Especially about

that whole answering
machine thing.

It's, uh, it's fine. I
officially accept your apology.

And, um, you did set me back
about a year or so dating-wise,

but, hey, as long as I have
a baby by , I'm all right.

And besides, Carrie's
a wonderful woman,

so something very good
came out of this.

That is good.
Yeah, it is.

Hey, so did the leftovers
make it to the refrigerator,

or did this one swallow
everything, including the foil?

Oh, you're funny.

No. They're OK
for now.

I should probably take off.

Oh, OK.
I'll walk you out.

All right.

So, we still on for
that Saks sale on Saturday?

Oh, my God, yes, we are.

OK, I'll call you.

OK, bye-bye.
Bye.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Well, this is great.
You guys are friends,

and I don't have to feel
guilty. It's all good.

Oh, my God, I can't stand her.

What?

Doug, lunch was t*rture.

I mean, you are right.
There is something about her--

the needy thing,
the "literally" thing.

When she ordered a souffle that
was gonna take a half hour at lunch,

I almost drove a fork
through my hands.

After the Saks sale is over,
I'm telling you, she's toast.

You're just gonna use her to get
what you want and then throw her away?

Yeah.

You... can't do that,
Carrie.

That's exactly what
I did with her!

And you were right to do it.
She's unbearable.

You should've stolen $
from her dresser.

I cannot be part
of this again.

You can't dump her after Saks.

Doug, she gets
a % employee discount

on already
marked down items, OK?

I haven't shopped in
months. This is Saks.

There's a reason why
winona stole from there.

Their stuff is gorgeous.

This is so bad.
This is so bad.

Carrie, look,
all right, look, OK.

If you're gonna do it,

you can't dump her the
same way I did, all right?

You gotta let her down easy.

You gotta see her a couple
times after the sale.

You know, then you know what?

You get busy, she gets busy,

nobody has to get hurt.

All right, how many times?

.
Absolutely no.

All right, .

OK, but I'm only seeing her,
literally, times, Doug, OK?

Oh, my God.
I caught it.

OK, this one's $ off.

off. off.

Oh, yeah.

off.
Ohh!

For a total savings
of nearly $ .

So where do you
wanna go for lunch?

I could literally
eat anything.

Actually, I gotta go.

Oh, come on, get 'im,
get 'im, get 'im! Get 'im,

yes!
Oh! It's a fumble.

Fumble!
There you go!

Do you guys think
I look good in blue?

Excuse me?

Specifically, that blue turtleneck
I have. You know the one.

No. I really don't.

But I'll tell you, in
terms of turtlenecks,

you probably look enough
like a turtle already.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. What's your
problem? Is it this guy again?

Yes! We've been out
times,

and he hasn't made
his move yet.

This is way better
than the game.

I mean, this is supposed to be
making me feel better about myself.

And it's just making me feel
worse, so what's the point?

Maybe he's just
playing hard to get.

I hope so.
I don't know.

I... oh, I gotta go.
He's picking me up at : ,

and I gotta do something
with my hair.

I should split, too.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

All right, man.
Have a good one.

Oh, hi, Carrie.
It's Trish.

Um, I don't know if you
got my other messages,

I left, like, , but I
haven't talked to you

in literally ages
since that Saks sale.

I miss you. Um, anyway,
I hope we're still on

for that Hugh Grant
movie tonight.

I need my Carrie fix.

So, I guess if I
don't hear from you,

we should just meet at the fairway
at : . OK, so, OK, OK, bye.

Hey, honey.

Hey. What are
you up to?

Oh, I just stopped
at that falafel place.

I don't know why I keep having
falafel. I kinda hate it.

What do you got
planned for tonight?

Nothing. Why?

'Cause Trish just called. You're
supposed to meet her at the movies.

You haven't called her
since Saks, have you?

No. I-I've, um--

you-you-you-you know what?

We had a deal. You were
supposed to see her more times.

You want her to gain
that hundred pounds back?

No.
Well, you know what?

If you don't meet her
at the movies,

she can gain of them tonight on
popcorn and little ice cream balls.

You're going.

No. I'm not going
to the movies.

Oh, yes, you are.

Doug, listen to me.

I am not going to the
movies tonight, OK?

Life is too short to spend
listening to Trish Flintoff

go on and on about how
she misses me so much

when we only met last week.

Now, I know you feel
guilty about her,

but I feel nothing.

Hey, trishy.

Hey, Doug.
Where's Carrie?

Oh, um, she couldn't make it.

She got sick and
a family emergency.

Sounds like she's
got a lot going on.

Yeah. She-she felt bad
that she couldn't be here.

Actually, she wanted
to say hi to you.

Oh! Yay!

Hold on a second.

Here we go.

Hello.

Hey, sweetie. I'm at
the movies with Trish.

What?

I knew you weren't
going jogging.

Yeah. Anyway, I was just
telling her how sorry you were

that you couldn't be here tonight
and that you wanted to say hi to her.

No, no, Doug.
Don't put her on.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no--

hi!
Hi, Trish!

Hi. I feel like I haven't talked
to you in literally forever.

Uh-huh.

Doug said you had
a family emergency.

What? Oh, uh, yeah.
I'm OK. I'm OK.

It's just hard when, you know,
your family has... an emergency.

You know, but we're pulling
through. We're pulling through.

Can I speak to Doug
real quick?

Sure.
Thanks.

OK. You take care of yourself.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.

Ahem. What's up?

Literally forever?

I mean, does she know
that's just not possible?

What's that? You wanna invite her to
dinner at our house Saturday night?

Oh!
No.

That sounds like a great idea.
I'll ask her.

Doug, you better stop this,

or I swear I will k*ll you
in your sleep.

: sounds really good. OK. I'll
talk to you later, sweetie. Bye-bye.

She invited you to our house
Saturday night for dinner.

Ooh, Saturday night. I've
been bumped up to the "a" list.

Yeah.

It's, uh, chilly
in here, isn't it?

A little.

Brr. Ha ha.

The, uh, seats are
real comfy though.

You can just snuggle right in.

Yeah, they're all right.

What are you doing?

What?

I don't know what you
think is going on here,

but I'm not gay.

Well, neither am I.

Then why did you try to
put your arm around me?

My girlfriend dumped me.
It's a very confusing time.

I'm sorry. I thought
we were just friends.

Maybe it's better
if I just head out.

Fine! Leave
like they all do.

Wow, these are really good.

Oh, thank you.

Every time I get invited to
somebody's house for dinner,

I gotta make empanadas.

I learned how in Argentina.

Have you ever been?

No.

Oh, you have to go.
It's so wonderful.

Yeah, I don't really have a lot
of money to travel right now.

Go on the Internet. They
have really cheap tickets.

Yeah, I know, but it's
still kinda hard to get--

yeah.
No, go to Argentina.

OK. OK. OK.

Hey, Car, how are we
doing on those drinks?

They're coming!

Eggrolls in the house.
Oh, and good news.

Chef ming had the baby.

Ha ha. Brian.

Hol, what are you doing here?

Carrie invited me over.

Did she?

Well, let me just
drop this off here.

What the hell is going on? Are you
trying to palm Trish off on Holly?

No. Holly dropped by, and I
invited her to stay for dinner.

I like people, Doug.

Carrie, I can't do this
anymore.

Here's your bucks back.

You're paying her?

I told you, Doug. I
couldn't do this, OK?

Life is too short.

I know. And now I think
I have to go to Argentina.

All right, you know what?

I'm just gonna end this, OK?

I'm just gonna go out
there and tell Trish

that she says
"literally" too much,

and I'm gonna give this lovely
Chinese food as a parting gift.

No. Wait, wait,
wait, wait a second.

Look, I started
this whole thing.

I should end it like a man.

I owe her that much.

OK. Holly, you wanna
see my new clothes?

Sure.
OK.

Hi.

There you are.

I thought you
literally got lost

on your way back
from the kitchen.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ah, Trish, you...

Are an incredible person.

Thank you.

You really are, you know.

You're fun. You're a
great empanada maker.

And you're a great friend...

For someone who's not Carrie.

What?

Carrie doesn't really
think it's in the cards

for you two to be friends.

It's not you, you know.

Sometimes the chemistry
is not right.

And I think it would
probably be best

if we all just kinda,
you know, moved on.

Please don't start eating.

Well, uh, that's actually
the most mature way

anyone has ever handled
this kind of thing with me.

Really?

Yeah, um, I'm not happy.

But I got a great friend
in Holly out of it, so...

Well, there you go.

I think I'm just
gonna take off.

So, will you say good-bye
to them for me?

Definitely, yeah.

Thanks.

I really appreciate your
honesty. It meant a lot to me.

Oh, no problem.
My pleasure, you know.

Life's a long road, and we
all stop for gas, you know.

Is she gone?

Yeah.

Carrie, you can come down now.

Is it done?

Yeah, it's done.

Oh, God, Doug, come on,
honey, look on the bright side.

This way she'll be forced to
take a good hard look at herself

and come up with
a better personality.

OK, you know what?
Enough.

She's a nice person.

Hah. Seriously,
Doug, come on.

She's a freak show.
Yeah. I have to agree.

She's not.

Seriously.
Really.

Have you listened to the
messages she left me? Listen.

Don't.
Yeah.

So, I haven't heard
from you in a while.

Did I do something
to annoy you?

I was thinking perhaps
I hurt your feelings

when I said I didn't
like step aerobics.

Don't misunderstand me.
It is a good workout.

What is she talking about?

Listen.
And this one.

Hey, Car.
Did you just call me?

'Cause my phone rang and I
couldn't find the receiver.

It was actually just
in my kitchen-oh.

You have never seen
my apartment.

You have to see my apartment.

OK. Anyway, tag,
you're it. Call me.

I mean, really.

All right, all right.

Thank you, Holly.

She said literally.
I gotta be literally...

Right. Sure. OK, I get
it. I know. She is a bit--

I forgot my empanada dish.

That's gonna be one big girl.

Put on a life jacket.

Excuse me.
Are those empanadas?

Yeah.

They are literally
my favorite food.

I have a whole basket.

Oh. Can I have one?

No.