06x19 - Precedent Nixin'

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Janet.

Yeah, we got our tickets.

Yeah, we can't wait
to see you either.

Uh, OK. It's your mom.

She wants to know if we
still like corn chex.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a green light
on the corn chex.

OK. Bye-bye, hon.

OK, that's the th call
about our trip.

You know my mom. She just wants
it to be great for us down there.

No, I know.
I love your mom.

I just wish she didn't
have to work so hard

when we come there.

Hey, maybe this time
we can take the burden off her

and stay in a hotel
or something.

A hotel. Interesting.

Isn't it?

Yeah. You know
what else we could do?

We could smack her
in the face with a shovel.

Would you just think of it
for a moment?

I mean, we'd see your parents
just as much during the day,

get in all
that family goodness,

and then at night
we'd stay in a hotel.

We have a little privacy,

you know,
without all their stuff

that makes us
a little crazy. Heh.

Uh, what-what stuff?

Doug, come on. Like--

like the fact that we can't
leave the house after :

because they set the alarm

and it's too complicated
to teach us a -digit code.

Followed by "pound."

And once that red light is on,

we are stuck there!

Do you know in prison,
they call that lockdown?

So now staying at
my parents' is like prison?

No, because in prison

you could actually flush
the toilet past : .

They're light sleepers, OK?

And by the way, I'm not
quite sure prison

this is about you.

You're saying you would
actually rather stay

in your parents'
retirement complex

than in a beautiful room

stocked with liquor
and dirty movies?

No!

But we can't stay in a hotel.

OK? We just can't!

Look, Doug-OK, look,

your mom will be upset
for a minute, OK,

but then she'll get over it,

and we're adults here!
We're in our thirties.

We're allowed to do this.

It's like that time
you finally realized

you can have cookies
before dinner.

You told me I couldn't
have cookies before dinner.

You can't, OK?

I'm just saying your parents
aren't the ones

who are stopping you.

OK, you know what?
My head is spinning.

If I go get a cookie right
now, what's gonna happen to me?

Doug...

Please, honey, let's just
do this this one time, OK?

We set the precedent.

We never have to have
this conversation again.

I will dial the number
for you, OK?

Your fingers don't even
have to touch the buttons.

Please? Come on, honey.

Come on. I'm calling.

All right, all right.
Let's do it.

She'll be fine, I promise.

Hey, mom.

Uh, look, Carrie
and I were talking,

and we need to tell
you something.

Uh, we've...

Kind of turned against
the corn chex.

You know what skill
I realized I have?

I can tell who's doing
the voice-over

on any commercial.

And I'm not talkin' James
Earl Jones for verizon.

All right? That's kid stuff.

I'm talkin' Lisa kudrow
for aquafina.

Yeah, it's her.

You wanna talk skills?

I can always tell whether
a dog is a girl or a boy.

You mean, without
looking underneath?

Yeah, see, that's
what makes it a skill.

See, otherwise,
it's just looking.

Wow, I really missed
these conversations

when we were separated.

What's her problem?
She ain't got no skills?

She's just mad

'cause I'm making her
go skiing for a vacation.

Oh, it's too damn cold.

Hey, when are you guys
going on vacation?

Next week. He's dragging me
up to some lodge in Vermont.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Fun for us and fun for them

to see what black people look like.

Um, Doug, come with me
to the salad bar.

What?

Come with me to the salad bar.

Uh, I don't eat the salad
when it's brought to me.

Definitely not makin'
a special trip for it.

They have a taco section.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

OK, where-where's
the taco section?

Listen, I lied, OK?

You lied?
OK, I'm a person.

Doug, listen to me.
Deacon and Kelly

are going on vacation
the same time as us.

So? So if we talk them into going

to Florida with us instead,

we can't stay at
your parents' house.

They don't have
enough room for us!

We have to stay in a hotel!

You see? That way, your
parents are not offended,

and we set our precedent,

and everybody's happy!

Oh, my God, they're looking.

Get some salad,
get some salad.

OK, but Deacon and Kelly aren't
gonna change their vacation

just so we don't have
to stay at my parents'.

I know. We don't
tell them that part.

We just say, "you know, we
haven't all gone away together

since you guys
got back together",

how it's all
about the foursome,

blah, blah, blah.

Kelly doesn't wanna
go to Vermont anyway.

She'll be all over this!

This could work.

Hey, what are you doing?

I- I don't know. I panicked.
I went all baby corn.

All right, put some dressing
on, put some dressing on!

OK. All right,
let's do this.

But don't sit too close
to me, 'cause I'm

gonna accidentally knock
this on the floor.

OK. Come on.

So, look at us,

all four of us together.

This is great.
This is great.

I wonder what else
we could do?

You see? I told you
this would work out.

I guess your mother
didn't take us

staying at the hotel
too hard, huh?

I said, "huh?"

Oh, my God!

I tried to tell her.
I couldn't!

There they are!

Hi, kids! Hi! Hey!

Ohh!
Hi!

Hi, how you doin', dad?
Nice to see you.

Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.

You kids look great!

Don't they look great, Joe?

Why aren't you standing
under the chute

where the bags come out? What?

Now we'll be stuck
at the other end

of the carousel in Siberia!

Get comfortable, people.

We're gonna be here all day.

We're not gonna
be here all day.

No, we're not, because I'm gonna
shimmy my way under the chute.

Doug, you see one of those
sittin' around, grab it.

I'm not coughing up bucks

for a glorified shopping cart.

You kids must be tired.

We'll go home,
we'll have lunch,

and then you
can take a nice nap.

Oh, by the way, good news.

Costco was willing
to swap the corn chex

for the rice chex
even-Stevens.

Whew!
Crisis averted!

Yeah!
Yeah.

Isn't that your friend Deacon?

Who? Which one?

Right there, next to Kelly.

I don't know
what you're sayin'.

I really don't.

Um, here's the thing:

Yeah, we, uh--

we all decided to go
on vacation together.

We know you don't have the
room for all four of us,

so we're just gonna
stay at a hotel.

No big whoop.

Oh.

You look so pretty.

Well, that was
the worst car ride ever.

What? I don't think your
mother took it that bad.

She refused to put on
her seat belt.

She said,
"what's the point?"

OK, she was a little rattled,

but she'll get over it, OK?

Honey, come on. Please just
remember why we're doing this.

I mean, look around.

We are in a hotel room

in Florida. OK?

I mean,
look at this. Look.

We got a TV that swivels...

And some painting of some...

Mystical dolphins...

And when we get bored
lookin' at that,

we can go downstairs

and have a little drink
at cap'n Toby's.

Actually, I saw
that they let you

throw your peanut shells
on the ground.

I've always wanted
to try that.

You see? Now you're
thinkin', honey!

OK. So what do you
wanna do first?

Anything.
Just name it.

Anything?
Anything.

You'd watch a movie
starring the rock with me?

I would love to.

Hey! Hello. Hey.

Nice hotel you picked.

Uh, the air-conditioning
in our room?

Not working.

Oh, well, maybe you
should call downstairs--

and get another room?
Yeah, already tried that.

They're all booked.

You know where you don't
need air-conditioning?

Vermont.

I'm sure sometimes you need
air-conditioning in Vermont.

Yeah, I think you do. I
think he's just exaggerating.

All right, honey, come on.

You pick a little snack
from the mini-bar,

and let's watch the rock

be a neurosurgeon
who saves the president.

Spring break is on!

All right, here's
how this works, people.

I call your school,
you pound a beer

and scream like hell!
Are we ready?

I can't hear you!

That's crazy. How can
he not hear that?

I'll just turn it
up a little bit.

There you go.

Michigan state!

University of Maryland!

OK, well,

there's .
I'll never see again.

Yeah?

You know where kids
don't go for spring break?

Vermont.

University of Texas!

Honey, come on.
It's not that bad.

Look at it this way. We have
our own disco in the room!

Huh? Come on!

Shake that thing, baby!

I don't really-
do it for me, for me!

You know I love it!
You know I love it!

Come on, do it for me!

Do it for me, do it for me!

Come on, shake it!
Shake that thing!

Shake that thing!
Shake that thing!

Yeah! Yeah!

I don't wanna, I don't wanna!

I- you know,
I wanna relax.

You wanna relax?
OK, how 'bout this?

How 'bout this? We just
freshen up a little bit,

we go downstairs, we tip
one back with cap'n Toby?

Come on, let's
freshen up. Come on.

All right.

What happened?

There's a bat in there. What?!

There is a bat
in the bathroom!

No!

I'm sorry.
Did you say no?

Doug, how can there be
a bat in the bathroom?

It's probably just
a moth or something.

Ay-yi-yi.

OK, um,

there's a bat
in the bathroom...

And he's a big 'un.

Let's not panic,
let's not panic.

I will just call downstairs,

and we will just get this
taken care of right away.

Yeah, hi. Um...

We have a bat in our bathroom.

No, it--

no, I'm sure you get
a lot of prank phone calls

from the spring breakers,

but I'm serious. We really--

okey-doke.

What did they say?

He told me to have
another Heineken,

and he hung up on me.

This is ridiculous.
I'm going in there myself.

What are you gonna do
with the hair spray?

I'm gonna spray him, OK?

Maybe it'll k*ll him.

Maybe it'll just freeze
his wings out like that.

Wait, wait, wait!

Take these. Wear these
for protection.

Now the bat's gonna think
I'm Elton John.

Look, just wear them, please!

Did you get him?

I got him angry.

Piedmont college!
Ohh.

Will somebody please
shake that thing

and get it over with?!

So how are things
at your hotel?

There was a goat swimming
in the pool this morning.

Doug's really enjoying that
mini-bar, aren't you, honey?

What did you end up
settling on? M&ms?

What are you doing
eatin' from the mini-bar?

You can buy m&ms at walgreen's

for a third of the price!

I think I have some chocolate
chips in the kitchen.

I could put some
in a baggie for you.

Oh, that's OK.
Thank you.

All right.

You know, Kelly,
darling, if you're tired,

you could take a nap
in the guest room.

Somebody might as well use it.

Your parents
have a guest room?

What are you doing at the
hotel? Save yourselves.

Hell, no, if we
have to suffer,

they have to suffer, too.

Don't worry. We're
not staying here.

All right, whatever. Deac, here.

Help me clear.

You know, maybe we should move
out of the hotel and stay here.

No! I don't want to.

Well, I kind of do.

Uh, Doug,

let's remember why
we're doing this. OK?

We are setting a precedent

to stay in a hotel.

No one said it
was gonna be easy.

You did.

You said as long as we got Deacon
and Kelly to come down with us,

we'd be home free.

What I just heard

did not make me happy.

Oh, 'cause you're taking it
completely out of context.

You invited us down here just so
you wouldn't have to spend time

with your in-laws?

No. We invited
you here

because we are a foursome.

Yeah, see, that's funny,
'cause what I heard

was that I'm not
skiing down a mountain

of freshly packed snow
with the wind in my face

because you wanted
to set a precedent.

And because we're a foursome!

Why does nobody
remember this?!

Kids, should I make
something for lunch,

or have you made other
arrangements for that, too?

You-you know what,
Mrs. Heffernan?

If that guest room
is still available,

we'd love to use it tonight.

That would be wonderful!

You've made me
very, very happy.

Well...

Brunch was nice.

Now, you ready
for a little dessert?

'Cause I'm gonna get
on you like hot fudge.

What is wrong with you, OK?

There's a bat in our bathroom!

And there's gonna be
some lovin' in the bedroom.

Stop it, OK?!

Have you noticed anything
that's gone on here?!

I mean, my mother hates us.

Our best friends hate us.

This trip has turned evil!

OK, and for what?
What's it all for?

For the precedent?
Ohh!

Would you stop
with that precedent!

I'm not even entirely sure
what it means.

It means sweet freedom!

Oh, my God, are you
really telling me

you can't spend days
with my parents?

Let me fill you in
on something.

I live every second of my life

with an old man
who gets cereal

by digging his ape-like hands
right into the box!

All right, you don't need to
bring my father into this, OK?

Oh, don't I?

This is a man
who canceled our cable

because they wouldn't pay him every
time they ran the movie Arthur!

Come on, he's not
that bad, Doug. I mean--

no, you know what?
That's it.

What-what
are you doing?

I'm packing. We're
staying at my parents' house

like we should've
in the first place.

No, Doug, we can't!
Deacon and Kelly

are staying in their
guest bedroom anyway!

That's all right. You know
what? We'll sleep on the floor,

or we'll sleep in the bed
with my parents.

God, my mother
would love that.

So, you got your water,

and here are
some extra pillows,

and I put some
tangerines in your room.

Now, they told me at the
market that they were seedless,

so if they're not,
I wanna know about it.

Everything's great.
Thank you.

We'll see you in the morning.

Good night.
How are you two doin'?

Great.
Good.

I'm so happy you're here.

I love you both.

System armed.

Remember, don't open
any doors or windows.

Okey-doke.

It's still a little light out.

It's bedtime.

What are you doing?
I have to pee.

Remember, don't flush.

Oh, come on.

Carrie,
it's almost : .

Just...

Pee in the tub.

I am not going
to pee in the tub, OK?

I begged you to go
after dinner!

I didn't have to go then!

Well, then, you know what,
you lost your chance!

Fine. I'll hold it.

No, I can't hold it.
I gotta go, I gotta go.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second!

Look, the rec center
down the hall

is open till : ,
all right?

They got a beautiful bathroom.

What? Doug, we
can't open the door.

The frickin' alarm is on!

I may know the code.

What?

I heard my parents talking,

and I'm pretty sure
it's my birthday.

Well, what are
you waiting for?

Let's go!
Open the door!

But you go out, you do your
business, you come back.

No one has to know.
Fine!

All right.

My birthday's, uh,

February , .

What are you doing? I'm
loosening up my fingers!

All right, come on.

OK...

That's, uh, ...

Wait a second. That
is my birthday, right?

Doug, you don't know
your birthday?

I blanked out.
Excuse me!

OK, come on.

... ... ... ...

Pound.

System disarmed.

Honey, I love you!

I love you, too.
Pee like the wind.

All right, all right.

Intruder detected.

Oh, my God! What's going
on?! I did it right!

Is everybody OK?!

What happened?!

I saw the alarm switch off!

I hit the panic button!
There's somebody in here!

Ma--

there's nobody
in here, all right?

I punched in the code.

Why would you do that?!

Oh, great.
Now I gotta pay $ .

Everyone all right in here?

Should I call the real cops?

Loo-no.

Everything's fine, OK?
It was an accident.

Why would you fiddle
with the alarm?!

You know
it's very complicated!

You know where they don't
fiddle with the alarm?

All right, people,
it's after : .

Back to bed. Let's go.

I just wanted
to stay in a hotel.

I got the food.

You know, with the AC working,

I'm not hatin'
being back here.

Kell?

OK, girls, time
to get those t-shirts wet!

Kelly?

Woman, put a damn towel
around yourself!