03x14 - Dirty Work

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(WHISTLING)

Look at that, dude.

-(MUMBLING)
-(CONTINUES WHISTLING)

Da...

Dad, um...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you very much for driving us
to school today.

You know, besides the whistling,
uh, we really appreciate it.

Well, no problem.
I have the whole week off.

As a matter of fact, this is probably
as good a time as any to tell you.

I signed up as a parent volunteer

in your school.

-Why?
-Are we being punished for something?

No, of course not.
I just thought it'd be fun.

Plus, it's a chance for me
to see a little more of you guys.

You're not going to embarrass us
are you, Dad?

Well, that probably unavoidable.

TWITTY: Okay.

All right.

So, uh, I'll see you around, I guess.

All right, bye.

STEVE: Hey, Twitty,

isn't that your girlfriend Alison?

Hey, are you two still an item?

Do kids still use that term, "item"?

-Dad, the embarrassment thing.
-TWITTY: It's okay.

But, uh, no, Mr. Stevens.

Alison and I just broke up.

You just...

When did that happen?

Like, seconds ago.
We just hung up.

-Dude, I'm sorry.
-No, dude, it's okay, it's okay,

I mean, we're still cool,
we're still friends.

You know, but thanks for being there.

Yeah, man, no problem.

S'alright, dog.

Oh...

Okay, okay, nice work, nice work.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't get too cocky, though, okay?

One mis-twirl and...

well, we all know
what happened to Shamski.

Now, due to that unfortunate incident,

we now have an opening
for one person to join our corps

and march with us in this year's
Rose Parade in beautiful

Pasadena, California.

Oh! Okay, that's why I'm here.

You see, it's always been a dream of mine
to march in the Rose Parade.

Easy, Stevens.

That, uh, "conceive it, achieve it"
baloney doesn't fly with me.

You have to earn your way on.

But, since you're the only applicant...

give it a sh*t.

Okay, great.

Nicely done.

-Congrat...
-Hey! Wait!

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, Opera Club ran a little overtime.

Is it too late to try out?

Okay, Pavarooti.

(GRUNTS)

Why don't you two practice up
and we'll have official tryouts

later this afternoon.

TEACHER: Take one and pass it back.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

I hope you guys didn't copy off me

'cause my row had
a different test than you.

Stupid.

I've got to pop a stress zit.
I'll catch up with you guys.

Anyways, you know, uh, Twitty and Alison
broke up today, right?

Oh, yeah, I heard, but you know,
he seems fine about it.

Anyway, listen.
I'm sitting in class...

What does this say to you?

Looks like a, uh...

plea for tolerance and world peace.

Yes.

I can't believe you got that.

Tawny, everything you do
is a plea for tolerance and world peace.

Well, yeah, true but I'm entering this one
in the student art festival.

That's great. Anyways, back to me.
Listen, I'm sitting there

Alison walks by
and she gives me the eye.

What-What is "the eye"?
What is that?

Come on.
You know, the eye! The eye?

One of these.

"Hey, guy, how you doing?"

You know, "Hey."

No, you've got to twiggle it
a little more.

Oh, stop it.

No, that's ridiculous.
Why would Alison be giving you the eye?

Oh, whoa, I'm sorry.

Looks like somebody's a little jealous
that the ladies are checking me out.

Look, Louis, we had our little thing
and now we're just friends.

I am fine if "the ladies"
want to check you out.

But I really don't think
that's what Alison was doing.

Really? What was she doing then?

I don't know, maybe she was staring
at the piece of crud on your chin.

Crud on my chin...

(LAUGHING)

Crud on my chin.

Crud on my chin...

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

I am not seeing things.
She is definitely checking me out.

I think, well...

maybe, maybe it... I don't know.

Louis, why don't you just go ask her?

You're right.
You're right, the direct approach.

That's what I got to do.
I can't.

Alison.

Could you clear something up for us?

Louis seems to think that you've been

I don't know, checking him out.

I have.

I like his look.

Oh, what do you know.

She likes your look.

Nate, put down the paper.

We've got a problem.

What's the problem?

She likes his look.

Can you blame her?

He's a good-looking boy.

True, he's got a gorgeous mug,

but she's his best friend's girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

What's the point
of being in the kid's brain

if you don't pay attention?

Eh.

Eh.

REN: Louis!

Louis, Louis!

-Quit dilly-dallying.
-Yes, sorry about that.

What'll it be, kids?

Could this be any more embarrassing?

Howdy, kids!

Step right up to Big Steve's
Texas Barbecue.

Apparently, it can.

(CLANGING)

How'd I do?

Well, I won't know that
until I see Gribalski's routine.

Oh.

Hit it.

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS)

-Hey, kiddo, how did it go?
-Oh, not so good.

Looks like I'll probably be watching
the Rose Parade on TV this year.

TOM: So, uh, Coach Tugnut,
which one of us made the flag corps?

Well, I could tell you that right now

but it would be better for your character

if I were to prolong the agony
for a couple more hours.

So...see ya.

It's so weird, you know?

I mean, one day you're some awkward kid

and the next, you're every
woman's dream, buddy.

It's all in here.

-Um, Louis?
-Yeah, hey.

Okay, are you really thinking
about getting together with Alison?

Well, I mean, you heard her.
She likes my look, so...

But Alison and Twitty just broke up.
I mean...

that seems a little soon.

What does she know?

She knows that you don't
burn your friends.

(GROANS)

This corned beef is too fatty.

-Louis? Louis?
-Yeah, yeah, sorry.

You know what, you're right.

This thing is too weird
between me and Alison.

I'm putting a stop to it now.

Oh, well, now's your chance.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Louis.

Alison. Good to see you.

-Good to see you, too.
-Yeah.

Can you meet me in Templeton Park

-after school today?
-Sure.

-See you then.
-Okay.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

What's up, dude?

What's going on?

What's...up?

Nothing's up, man.

'Cause... I would tell you
if something was up, man,

and nothing's up.

So, don't... Don't think
anything's up, 'cause it's not.

-Okay. All right.
-It's not up.

(SPLASHING)

Nothing's up, man! Nothing's up!

Nothing's up!

Nothing's up!

Nothing's up, all right?

LOUIS: Nothing's up!

Can you believe that?

I missed a spot.

LOUIS: What are you doing, man?

You're a mess, you know.
This is Twitty. He's your best friend.

This is wrong.

Why are you b*ating yourself up?

Why are you talking about?

I paid yesterday.

Sure, 'cause you only had a cup of coffee.

-Get that check away from me.
-Aah.

I'm not touching it!
It's your turn!

-All of a sudden he's allergic to checks.
-I paid cash!

Guys, would you stop it?
I hate it when you fight. Stop!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(HUMMING MARCHING TUNE)

(HUMMING CONTINUES)

-LOUIS: Can I help you?
-(HUMMING STOPS)

Oh.

Excuse me.

Tom.

Tom, what were you just doing in there?

I was practicing my routine.

Tom...

The better question is
who were you talking to out here?

Oh. Oh, yeah, well, there's these,
uh, these two old guys

who hang out in a deli in my head and
help me out with life's little problems.

Anyways, you know where, uh
Templeton Park is?

-You mean...
-(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ECHOING) ...Temptation Park.

Why do they call it that?

Dude, only because it's
the hottest make-out spot in town.

That's why they call it...

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ECHOING) ...Temptation Park.

I get it, Tom.

Hey, Swiboda.

Say hi to your brother for me, huh?

(GASPS) Oh, doughnuts.

Oop, cost you a buck...
for the flag corps.

Okay. I...

Aw...

-No money?
-No.

Tough luck.

So, how are the tryouts coming along?

Oh, wonderfully.
You know, the kids are just a delight.

Each one of them unique
in their own blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know, that one looks extra sugary.

Hmm. Are you, uh,
getting closer to making a decision?

About what?

The flag corps.

I know Ren would love to be on the team.

It would be very important to her.

I'll see what I can do.

(GIGGLING AND GASPING)

(COUGHS)

Oh, hey, what's up, dude?

-What's up, man?
-Hey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Are you sure? 'Cause, you know
you seemed a little weirded out...

No, just ate some bad kiwi,
so now I got a headache.

Right, yeah, I can see that.

No, headache.
I was just...itching.

Yeah, you, uh, you want
to hang out after school?

After... today?

I...

Failing to tell the truth
is the same as lying, my friend.

Who are you, Mr. Honesty, all of a sudden?

Why get that Twitty character

all worked up for no reason?

Uh... what kind of a name is Twitty?

Twitty. (LAUGHING)

I can't.

-'Cause...
-'Cause...?

'Cause, because

I have to go sock shopping with my dad.

Yeah, it's, you know

it's a... thing we do once a year.

It's like an annual, you know,
uh, thing that we do.

And then we get some sandwiches.

You know, I mean, it seems weird
but I've learned to cherish it.

Yeah. Yeah, whatever.
I'll catch you later.

Yeah, man. No problem.

Hey.

COACH: And now,
in the grand tradition of the flag corps,

I would like the newest member
to take one step forward.

Not you, Gribalski.

Congratulations, Stevens.

What?
Did he just say Stevens?

I don't know.
I... I think I just swallowed my tongue.

Ren, you did it!

I know. I can't believe it.

Don't worry, Tom.

You'll get 'em next year, big guy.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Uh, uh, eh... Mr. Stevens.

Coach Tugnut.

I don't know what you're lookin' for

Or what it is that you see in me

Maybe a friend, or a little more

Can you tell me what you see?

-Hi.
-Hi.

I didn't know if you
were going to show up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, um,
you know, I was...in the area,

you know, and I thought,
hey, what the heck

come to Temptation Park.

Here, here, have a seat.

Um... you know, I come here a lot.

Well, I mean, not a... not a lot,
not a whole lot

but, um...

So... you want to try something fun?

(VOICE BREAKING) Sure.

Why don't you slip into this bathing suit?

No good can come of this.

Let the man have some fun.

Don't be such an old gasbag.

ALISON: Louis, are you okay?

Alison, I'm sorry.

Don't pay any attention to what those
corn beef eating freaks say, all right?

Who?

The corn beef... eat...

The-the, uh, corn...

Never mind.

The point is, is that, um

Twitty...is my best friend, okay?

And, um...

what we're doing here, Alison,
is very, very wrong.

What are we doing?

Alison, come on.

I know you find me irresistible,
all right?

And I don't fault you for that.
Who could fault you?

Uh, Louis, I think what you think I think

isn't what I think.

You think?

Uh, Louis, I don't want to date you.

I want to paint you.

Paint me.

Yeah, for the art festival.

I was going to copy
my favorite painting...

"Boy on a Rock."

I kept staring at you
because you remind me so much of the boy.

You see?

Not really handsome,

kind of quirky, a little off...

Okay, I get it.

But I can't paint from a picture.

I need a live model.

So, you think maybe
you could've, uh, you know,

told me before I made a fool of myself?

Maybe a little ring-a-ding-dong, huh?

Yeah, okay, but, Louis, um, you
thought I was crushing on you,

but you turned me down because of Alan.

You're a very good friend.

Are we cool?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're cool.

Good. Now go change.

What the heck.

(GIGGLES)

Coach Tugnut!

I know what you've been doing,
and frankly, I am appalled.

Hey, look, I never told
Mrs. Wilkins to shave my back.

She asked me if she could do it.

No, it's not that, which is awful.

Um, I saw my father
slip you that maple bar.

So what?

So?

It's wrong.

Tom is clearly better than me.
He should be on the team.

Look, Stevens, I can't go back on a bribe.

I have integrity.

Oh, so I suppose

that this, um, steamy... cheesy...

calzone wouldn't interest you?

Tell your old man
that unless he can top a calzone,

Gribalski's in the flag corps.

Look, without going into much detail
there's been a bit of a mix-up,

and, well, you made
the flag corps, not me.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Here's your flag.

(GASPING PASSIONATELY)

Ren, could you please hold
my flag and-and stand back,

because I'm going to jump
around hysterically.

(LAUGHING)

Louis, you look perfect.

Except you're missing one thing.

My dignity?

No. Your hair, silly.

It needs to match the boy in the picture.

Louis...

Run, noodnick, run!

You know what?
I've got to... I've got to go right now.

(UP-TEMPO SPANISH ROCK SONG PLAYS)

Louis!

(RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(CLAPPING AND CHEERING)

Thank you, thank you.

I baked this cake to get my cooking badge.

I hope you all like it.

It's chocolate with red roses.

Excuse me, girlies. Hey, there. I, uh...

Mud monster!

This is great.

(CRYING) The mud monster,

he ruined my cake with his head!

Wait, hold on, I'm not...

Get him!

(LOUIS SCREAMING)

(SPANISH ROCK SONG CONTINUES)

...group of vampires chasing me all day.

(PANTING, MOANING)

-Dude, what are you doing?
-Whoa, Twitty, stop, man.

Me and Alison didn't do anything.

-So why are you running?
-'Cause you're chasing me, Twitty!

Right, right.
What the heck are you wearing?

It's a long story.

Listen, just... just
listen to me, all right?

The point is, is that I was
in the wrong, you know.

You and Alison had just broken up and I
shouldn't have even been talking to her.

No, forget about that, okay?
Alison and I are cool.

I'm just mad 'cause you lied to me.

I mean, sock shopping?
What is that about, dude?

I thought we were best friends.

Me and the guys didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

-Oh, those guys in your head?
-Yeah.

Yeah, why do you listen to them?

They're only trying to help.

You know, I got to tell you, man,

it's a really weird feeling
when a girl starts to like you

and you think she likes you
and you feel all cool.

Yeah.

But then you find out she doesn't

and then the next thing you know

you're a mud monster running around
ruining little girls' parties, you know?

Yeah, I could see that.

From now on, dude,

it's friends first.

Yeah, friends first, man.

GIRL: Mud monster!

(SPANISH ROCK SONG PLAYS)

-Later, dude.
-Later.

GIRL: Get him!

(LOUIS SCREAMING)

REN: Oh, Dad, this shortcut through
the park... it's just beautiful.

Well, it's a beautiful day.

I feel like I gave something
back to the community

-and got even closer to my kids.
-Good.

-Dad?
-What's that, honey?

-(LOUIS SCREAMING)
-Uh...

GIRL: I'm going to get you,
Mud Monster!

Hurry up, he's getting away!

(SPANISH ROCK SONG PLAYS)

Nothing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)