03x15 - The Big Splash

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA)
And here comes the visiting dive team

from Jefferson Junior High.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Okay, where's Louis?

(BEEPING)

Oh, that's Doris.

We have Mother/Son Jazzercise at : .

Uh, Tom, Louis said to meet him here.

You can leave if you want to
but he sounded pretty serious.

ANNOUNCER:
And now let's hear it

for the Lawrence Junior High
Wombats.

(APPLAUDING)

Who's that hooded guy?

Oh, dude.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm canceling Mother.

ANNOUNCER: Diving first for Jefferson,
Brandon Binkley.

(CLAPPING)

-Okay, Stevens, let's loosen you up.
-Got it.

You know, Stevens,
I'm glad you joined the team.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You don't stink so bad.

Thanks, Coach.
Always an inspiration.

Now take your time, and, uh, focus.

And keep your eye on the...

water.

ANNOUNCER:
Our first diver from Lawrence,

Louis Stevens.

-He looks pretty good up there, huh?
-Yeah, he's actually not a bad diver.

TAWNY: But he never really seemed
like a team player kind of guy, you know?

Well, I think this
is a very positive step forward

and he deserves our support.

Go Louis! It's your birthday!

Get your dive on!

Shh! Shh, Tom.

(CHUCKLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Ruby, what are you doing?

Okay, as you know
next week the school awards come out

so I've been conducting an informal poll
to see who's going to win.

Oh, really?

Why couldn't you just wait

till the yearbook comes out
like everybody else?

And I'd want to do that because...?

Because you should just wait
and let the votes fall where they may.

Then I guess you don't care
that you're a lock for Most School Spirit.

So, what else?

Well, it looks like Ren is going to win

the big three.

(GASPING)

You're kidding.

Yup, Most Likely to Succeed,

Most Intelligent, and Best Personality.

Oh, I guess I could live with that.

So, who's in the lead for Best Smile?

Oh, um, that would be Kelly Cohen.

-Oh.
-Kelly? Oh.

Just out of curiosity,

how did I do in that category?

Oh, well, you did okay.

Oh, just okay.

Excuse me.

So, guess who got Best Flirt.

Angela.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, look. See if you can spot...

There's a spoon...

-There it is.
-Oh, you got it.

Be careful, don't bend it.
You got it. You're so good.

(CHUCKLES)

I think someone wants
their allowance early.

Ah.

REN: Oh, no.
But I'll take it if you're giving it out.

I was just wondering what you thought
of my smile.

You have a really nice smile.

Great.

Thanks.

Would you say that it's "great"
or "wonderful"?

You know, I don't know

like, uh, one of those

Best Smile in the little school
award thingies?

I won the Best Smile at school.

Oh, you did?

There it is. Radiant.
I never thought I had a good smile.

Oh, you have a wonderful smile.

Remember that picture you took
at Valley Forge?

What? I stubbed my toe.

That wasn't a smile, I was wincing.

-Well you have a very cute wince.
-You think so?

(CHUCKLING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, it's agreed. I have a good smile.

Yeah, it's a beauty.

Honey, you are late.

Oh, well, you know, I was, uh
you know, detention let out late today.

-That's what happened.
-Oh, detention.

See, I thought you were
at diving practice.

What? You're on the diving team?

Well, um...

Yeah, and you know, at the meet yesterday,
he made such a big splash.

-Louis, why didn't you tell us?
-LOUIS: Tell you?

I thought I did. I told you.

Oh, look at that. What's for dinner?

That's great. How's it going?

Yeah, how's it going?

I wish I wasn't so wrapped up at work.

Mr. Kupchek's got me
running ragged down there.

-I'd love to come and see you.
-Oh...

I could clear my whole schedule
and be there tomorrow.

You don't have to do that.

Because, um, you know,
I get all nervous and...

For the love of cotton!

What is that in your mouth?!

It's a beast.
I'm going to go get you a toothpick.

I don't need no stinking toothpick.

(MOTOR HUMS)

(SUCTION NOISE)

GIRL : Love your smile.

-BOY : Nice smile, Ren.
-BOY : All right, Ren.

Hey.

BOY : Hey, nice smile. Ren.

(CHUCKLES)

(WIND BLOWS)

(BELL TOLLS)

(WESTERN-LIKE THEME PLAYS)

Tom, why are you wearing nose plugs?

Oh, well, if I get

one splash of water up my nose,
I become very uncomfortable.

And you don't want to see me
very uncomfortable.

I become Crazy Guy.

Tom, I've seen your Crazy Guy.
It's not that crazy.

There are a couple of seats
right up front here, Mr. Kupchek.

Oh, Stevens, is this really necessary?

Oh, these wood bleachers are so hard, sir.

I wanted to make sure
you had more bottom padding.

Stevens, no need to kiss up.

You mean I made partner?

I didn't say that.

Oh.

But I am impressed that you asked me
to your son's dive competition.

At Kupchek and Kupchek,
we take family very seriously.

As do I, sir. As do I.

How 'bout another seat cushion?

Stevens, please.

Hey, Coach Tugnut.

Good luck today.

-Nice material.
-Thank you.

It's the finest Italian suede.

Too bad.

ANNOUNCER: Our first diver
this afternoon will be Louis Stevens

from Lawrence Junior High.

(CHEERING)

(CHANTING) Louis! Louis! Louis!

Your son seems very popular.

That's my boy.

Through and through.

(CHEERING)

You know, he's not just spreading water,

he's spreading joy.

You know,

I thought he had a nice form
coming off the board,

but was a tad sloppy in his entry.

That's fine, I'll get a cab.

We'll talk about that partnership.

Louis!

Hey, look.

I know what it's like to get laughs.

I used to do an impression
of the head counselor at Camp Weems.

Skit Night.

Boy, there were no courtesy laughs there.

Anyway,
he used to spit when he talked, you know?

Stay out of the seat bed.

(LAUGHS)

Dad, listen.

That might have been funny
back in the old days,

but that's not funny anymore.

Times have changed.
Nobody's laughing, Dad.

Yeah, and I'll tell you someone else
who wasn't laughing now... my boss.

You ruined his suit.

Dad...

you know, I... I know I saw this lot
but, uh, how about this time,

we don't make a big deal out of it, huh?

Look, Lou, it is a big deal.

Let me tell you something.

When I showed up at the meet,
I was so proud of you.

For once... one beautiful moment...

I thought, "Hey, he's finally serious
about something."

Dad, I was just having fun.

You know, I'm a kid.
That's what I do, I have fun.

Is that what it is?

Just going to go through your whole life
being a clown?

You know, it may be fun now,

but where are you going
to be ten years from now?

STEVE: It may be fun now,

but where are you going
to be ten years from now?

Ten years from now...

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(PEOPLE CHATTING)

And since Janey's pregnant again,

we're probably going to have
to add on a fourth bedroom.

-How is the music business going, Twitty?
-Oh, it's sweet.

It's sweet. Yeah, I'm flying out
tomorrow morning to New York.

We're signing this hot new band
called Angry Sock.

-Oh, we saw them in Rome.
-Oh, yeah?

Oh, Vincenzo, remember
when we saw the Angry Sock in Rome?

(ITALIAN ACCENT)
In Rome, I saw nothing but you, bella.

LOUIS: What's up, guys?

-Hey! What's up, man?
-How you doing, man?

I like the look.
I like this new thing you're doing.

Who's this? What's up, buddy?
How you doing?

I like the family.

You got the family. How you doing?

How's life, guys? Hmm?

It's good. It's going good?

Whoa, check out Tugnut over there.

My... wow!

Well, it's hard to believe
that it's been ten years.

I'm glad to see that many of you
have gone on to bigger and better things.

(LAUGHS)

Stevens!

That's the whipped cream joke
we used to do, buddy... right?

Never gets old.

Why does this grown man act like a child?

I don't know.

-We used to think it was funny.
-(BABY CRIES)

Uh, well, it was nice
seeing all of you again, but...

Tom Junior seems to be getting
a little cranky, so...

(BABY CRYING)

...take care.

Mm. Yes, sir, Tom.

Hey, good old Tom.

Well, at least you don't have to hang
with your mom anymore, right, Tom?

Actually, she's waiting up for us.

Right.

Oh, yeah. We have to run, too.

Um, Vincenzo and I have
to be in Milan in the morning

to launch our new fashion line.
Call me?

Ciao, Louis.

Oh, no. I'm not that hungry.
I already ate, thanks.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

-What's the deal with her, man?
-I don't know.

-You don't know?
-No.

So, what's up, dude?
What's happening in Twitty's world, man?

It's good. You know,
still doing the music thing.

I didn't want to tell you
while they were around,

but listen, I took the engine
out of my dad's lawnmower.

The red one that he used to have
in the garage?

I took that out, I jerry-rigged it
to a couple apple crates...

-Um, Louis...
-It's so fast, man.

You know what?

I have a flight I have to catch
in the morning.

So, I'm... you know what?
Let me drop you an e-mail, though.

-Yeah, do that.
-Let me get your address.

It's Commander Poopie Pants
at laughssat.net

with a "K"... "Kommander."

-Fine.
-All right, man.

So, just, you know,
give a little ring ding...

Just let me know, all right?

-Oh. Food fight!
-MAN: Ow!

Oh, um... hi.

No.

(SIGHS)

-Ren?
-Yeah.

-I'm not doing this anymore.
-Doing what?

That.

Uh... hello.
What are you talking about?

Okay. I can see where this is going.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Ren, you heard her.

It's over. Knock it off

-with the smiling, already.
-Really?

I can't!

What do you mean, you can't?

I can't. It is stuck.

-It's stuck?
-It's stuck!

Don't panic, all right?

Your muscles must have cramped
from all that smiling.

Oh, yeah?
What am I going to do?

I have to sing
in front of the whole school

at the dive meet in five minutes!

Don't worry. I have an idea.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey, Dad, what's up?

-How you doing?
-Good.

I didn't know you were so limber.

I'm just stretching it out.

I don't want to hurt anything on my knee
ten years from now, huh?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Hey, about sending you
to your room last night... I...

Oh. Uh-oh.
Dad, can you help me, please?

Oh, that's rich, Lou.

Dad, seriously,
can you please grab that leg?

-Oh, sorry. What is it?
-Grab this leg.

-Uh-huh.
-And... ow!

-Oh.
-How's that?

-Much better.
-That's good.

-Thank you.
-Sure.

Oh, I didn't ask you.
What are you doing here?

Look, Son, I wish
you would take this seriously,

but I'm your Dad,
and I'm here to support you,

no matter what you do.

-Thanks, Dad.
-Sure.

Seriously, thank you.

All right, this is it, dude.
This is your moment. This is it.

Your whole life has been
leading up to this, okay?

And everyone wants to know.
Are you going to do the cannon ball,

the can opener... or this is
my personal favorite, okay?

The butt b*mb?

Yeah, um...
Twitty, I was thinking.

-Uh, about a lot of things.
-No. No, no, don't tell me that.

Yeah, I just think
I might do a regular dive.

No! Why, why?

-I don't know. I...
-(GIRLS CHEERING)

Maybe I've just been clowning
around too much, you know?

Not at all. Okay, you have
just hit your stride, okay?

-And you cannot disappoint...
-I know, but...

... your fans and your friends.

The people that make you
what you are. Look at them.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(CHANTING) Louis, Louis, Louis.

There we go.

With a little clever contouring
and some strategic eye shadow

to distract from the mouth,
I think we've got something here.

Ruby, I got to go.

-How do I look?
-Uh... yeah.

No, hey, maybe take a scarf.

Maybe it'll help or something.

Huh?

Hey, cut through the steam room.
It's faster.

Stevens?

Uh, the reflection of the pool
is blinding.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, it seems like word
of your boy's antics

has filtered down to the first grade.

I want to see the Cannonball Kid!

Great.

Enjoy the show.

Please welcome Ren Stevens

who will sing the school song,

"Fight On, Ye Mighty Wombats."

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

That's my daughter.

Top student. We're very proud.

Look, Daddy... a clown!

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGS OUT OF TUNE)
Fight on...

(JAW CREAKING)

Fight on, ye mighty wombats

Raise thy furry paws high

Hail to the green and gold

Fight, wombats, fight!

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you.
(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

You must be very proud, Stevens.

ANNOUNCER: Let the dives, begin!

Next up, from Lawrence Junior High,

Louis Stevens.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

BOY: Cannon ball! Cannon ball!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Louis, Louis, Louis...

(CHANTING)
Slam dunk, slam dunk, slam dunk...

Soak us, soak us, soak us...

(SOFT GROAN)

No slow clap?

Okay.

(GIRLS GASPING)

LOUIS: You know what?

From this day forward,

let it be known... I am not a clown.

Um, dude.

What?

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Well, I am home from school
with nothing to hide.

I'm really bad at this, aren't I?

I know you are. It's great.
Spill it.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Okay.

The yearbook came out.

Come on, come on.
Open, open, open.

Hold on, one second.

Oh!

Oh, honey.

Best Personality.

Most Intelligent.

Most Likely to Succeed.

Ren, this is wonderful.

Yeah, and there's one more.

(LAUGHS)

Mom, I really wasn't trying to be funny.

You should have tried harder.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)
Honey, look.

(LAUGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)