03x19 - Model Principal

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Oh, Principal Wexler,
good, you're here.

I need you to choose a strudel

for next week's big
"Strudel Day" in the cafeteria.

Ren, I couldn't possibly.

I have to watch the old tum-tum.

Since when?

-Excuse me?
-Oh, uh, nothing.

It's just since
"Strudel Day" is your brainchild

I just figured you'd want the final word.

Ren, I'm afraid
my priorities have shifted.

From now on, it's all about...

the look.

Okay.

Sir, I thought that your look was fine.
I don't understand.

You will.

Students of Lawrence Junior High,

it is with a heavy heart
that I must announce to you...

I'm leaving you.

-(GASPS)
-(PLATE SMASHES)

I will be pursuing my new career...

male model.

(LAUGHING)

WEXLER: I'm serious.

Give me some.

Dude, I cannot believe
we actually got rid of Wexler.

Oh, well, I mean, it had to be done.

You know, six days in detention
the man was robbing us of our youth.

Wait a second, dude.
Do you know who's next in line?

Yeah, Vice Principal Landau.

Is that you card, Kevin?

(CHUCKLING)

I know it's in here somewhere.

That's part of the trick.

Where you going, Kevin?

No running in the halls.

LOUIS: Landau's a cream puff, man.

Oh, man, this is going to be sweet.

You know, I've got to admit

I never thought that
whole male model thing

would actually work out.

This one's it.

This is a keeper right there,
that's a good sh*t.

TWITTY: No, no, dude.

I mean, submitting Wexler
for a modeling agency?

Seriously, I don't think he's the type.

The type?
What are you talk...?

Look, dude, compared to this guy
I mean, Wexler's a hottie, you know?

(CLEARING THROAT)

TWITTY: Hey, uh...

congratulations, Mr. Landau.
I guess you are the man now.

Oh, well, thanks, fellas.

I hope I'm up to it.

I'm sorry.

My palms are really sweaty.

-No, it's all good.
-Yeah, it's cool, man.

(CRYING)

I can't believe that you're leaving me.

Oh, there, there, there, Ren.

I'll miss you, too.

It's really... it's not gonna be the same
without you, sir.

No.

It won't.

(SNIFFLES)

You will make a great model, sir.

You think?

-(BUZZER SOUNDS)
-(GRUNTS)

Perfect score, again.

Donnie, you're so good at this.

I'm going to win you any prize you want.

I want...

that teddy.

Okay, it's all yours.
Let me just get the prize tickets.

One measly ticket?

Well, my bear is , tickets.

Well, how about some cute finger cuffs?

I really want Professor Fuzz-Fuzz.

-You already have a name for him, huh?
-Yes.

I'm going to go call all my friends
and tell them how sweet you are.

"KSAC Radio arcade championships.

Win , tickets."

Wait a minute.

That bear is , tickets.

Let me do the math.

Yeah, that's pretty close.

Hold on, Donnie.

It says you have to be ten or under.

(THUMPING)

Beans is eight.

Let me do the math.

Well, gents, it's Mr. Landau's first day.

The dawn of a new era.

Yeah, it is.

Say, um, Tom, I've got this favor

to ask of you. Can I, you know,

copy down your science homework?

-No, no.
-No?

I mean, it's... it's wrong.

Unless you think it's going
to affect our relationship in any way.

How about we...

we take a step back

and you think about things, right?

Let's just take a step back.

There, you just step... yeah.

Now we think.

You know, I would

it's just that if it
ever got back to Doris

she'd be so disappointed in me.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

(BLOWING)

Pardon me?

Oh...

Yep, that should do it.

-We're good?
-Yeah.

(BELL RINGING)

I can't move!

That's because
Twitty glued your shoes to the floor.

-Oh, yeah, buddy.
-Yeah.

Why did you do that?
Now I'll be late to class.

Exactly, see?

That's what we're trying to do.
See, 'cause...

you know, Landau,
he seems like this really nice guy.

He's just, "Hey, hey, how are you?"

Furry little guy.

But, really, you know,
he's the principal now.

So, we just want to make sure, that's all.
We're just taking precautions. All right?

He could ruin your lifetime
and you don't even know it.

Good luck, buddy.

Have fun, man. Have fun.

Hello.

You're Tom, right?

Uh, Thomas Randolph Gribalski.

My grandfather's name was Randolph
and he used to live in Seattle.

I see.

Why aren't you in class?

TOM: My shoes are glued to the floor.

LANDAU: Oh.

Haven't heard that one before.

Ta-da.

Didn't even bust him.

Guess it is the dawn of a new era, right?

(LAUGHING)

Thanks, buddy.

From now on, life's one big party, buddy.

Hey, uh, guys?

The joke's over.

You can help me out now.

It's okay, I'll catch up
with you later, okay?

I'll see you at lunch.

All right, Beans,
let's work on that rolling technique.

-Are you a righty or a lefty?
-I don't know.

Well which hand do you write with?

Whichever one's closer to the pencil.

Okay, Beans, you know what?

Maybe this isn't such
a great idea after all.

Beans, I've got to win
those , tickets.

Let's get to work, man.

Just focus.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(GLASS BREAKING)

-(GAME ALARM WAILS)
-Yes! Yes, Beans.

(BEANS GROANS)

Good job, good job.

(STUDENTS YELLING)

Gangway! Gangway!

Move!

Move!

Principal Landau?

Oh, yes, uh, Ren Stevens, come on in.

Close the door. It's so noisy out there.

Yeah, I know.

So, how do you think
your day's going?

Pretty good.

Here, Ren, try to pull these apart.

I can't.

Sir, this really isn't the time for that.
Have been in the hallway lately?

Oh, no, no.
It's getting pretty scary out there.

-Ta-da!
-That's... That's very good.

Um, sir... you're the principal now.

If Mr. Wexler were here
he would go outside

and he would yell at those kids
and he'd restore order.

Oh, no, no, I'm not much of a yeller, no.

I guess I'm just not very good
at this principal stuff.

I've been a principal's assistant
long enough to know

there are other ways to discipline kids
than just yelling.

-There are?
-Yes.

Sir, you can do this job.

I want you to dig deep down
and find that inner strength of yours.

Then I want you to march out there

and show those kids
who the principal really is.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

Louis, don't you think things are, like,
a little bit out of control here?

What are you talking about?
Look around.

This is the freedom
we always dreamed of.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Whoa, I didn't know Mr. Roth was bald.

Well, see. Look at that. You learn
a new thing every day, right?

Hey, uh... ladies and gentlemen.

Boys and girls.

Hello?

(WHISTLING)

Go ahead, Mr. Landau.

Louis, Tom, Alan
would you come up here, please.

What does he want?

I dunno, probably wants to show
us a new card trick or something.

Step up there, please.

Okay, now...

these boys are an example

of how I'm going to be
doing things around here.

Sort of a zero-tolerance kind of thing.

Fellas, put these on.

Are you kidding?
I'm not wearing this.

Well, I guess that's your option.

My option is to call your parents

and have you immediately
suspended from school.

I think he's serious.

So, for all of you out there

here's a little message.

You do the crime,

you will wear the sign.

(WHIMPERING)

TAWNY: Louis?

I hope you're satisfied.

"I'm an eye-roller"?

This is completely demeaning.

But not totally inaccurate.

I know, but, dude, seriously,

how long do we have to wear
these stupid things for?

Dude, I don't know.
I didn't make up the rules.

I'll tell you what I will do, though.

I'm gonna solve this,
'cause I'm going to go talk to the man.

Who, Landau?

Nope. Ren.

Ren, Ren, hold on. Ren, listen.
All right, look...

you got to do something about this new guy
'cause he's driving me insane.

-All my friends, too.
-Louis, Wexler is gone.

Mr. Landau has his own
way of doing things.

Ren, you know what? If you're not going
to do it for me, at least

do it for Lefkowitz.

I mean, look at that.

I mean, it's sad. It's getting
personal now. That's not nice.

(SIGHS)

(GIRL CRYING)

LANDAU: Uh-huh.
Yes, yes, that's correct.

Strudel Day is officially canceled.

And I mean that.

Mr. Landau, you're...
you're canceling Strudel Day?

Isn't it wonderful?
I'm in control.

No one ever listened to Jake Landau before
but they're listening now.

Yes, but at what cost?

What do you mean? You're the one
who told me to find my inner strength.

True, but people are being humiliated.
Some of those signs are pretty cruel.

Really? You think?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man, that's harsh.

Something must be done.

This is D.J. Breezy Breeze.

Welcome to KSAK's

Fifth Annual Tri-County
Arcade Championships.

-(BUZZER SOUNDS)
-(BELL RINGING)

Okay, we're down to our two finalists:

-Beans Aranguren from Sacramento...
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

-...and Jeremy Lucas from Las Vegas.
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

I can't b*at him.

He's from Vegas.

Beans, think "aim and precision."

Think...

"Finger cuffs."

That's a sweet pair of cuffs.

ANNOUNCER: Okay, Beans,

Jeremy, positions, please.

Each competitor will roll one final ball.

High score receives , tickets.

Ten thousand tickets.

Beans, you are going to do this.
We're going to win Professor Fuzz Fuzz.

Hey, baby. How you doing?

Jeremy will roll first.

Forty thousand points!

Beans?

Beans, give it your all, buddy.

I'll use my special windup.

No, Beans, nothing special.
Just let it go.

And the winner is Beans Aranguren!

Beans, we did it!

Beans, we did it, we did it,
we did it, we did it!

Hey, good job, buddy.

Whoa! That's a nice little ride.

Got the little rimmies on it, little...

Oh. Voulez chez with moi, ladies.

Knock it off, Louis.

Wow.

Listen, Ren, we need
to talk about something, okay?

Wexler's not coming back to the school.

He's gone.
He's living the model dream now.

He's got the cars and the ladies and...

the huge studio thing.

Louis, we have got to try.

Wexler belongs to that school
and I miss him.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING PLAYING)

I miss him, too.

Look, catch you later. Sorry.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Conrad Wexler.
He's one of your models.

Okay, Cosmo, let's do this.

Uh, it's Conrad.

Yeah, whatever.

(LAUGHS)

Heavy. Heavy. Heavy.

Okay, give me the look.

Okay, Conwall, listen...

I'm not selling lipstick here, okay?

It's a welder's torch.

All right.

No, no, no. This isn't working.

Uh... uh... Linda?

Let's try something different, please.

Come on, put it on. Come on.

E... Excuse me.

If... If I wear this,
you won't see my face.

Bingo.
Now you are thinking like a model.

Let's take five, everybody.

Take five.

Mr. Wexler?

Ren, Louis, what are you doing here?

-We just wanted to see how you were.
-Yeah.

Oh. This is like a dream come true.

I mean, the lights, the camera
the action.

-So, are you happy?
-Of course, I'm happy.

I mean, this is my destiny.

I mean, everything happens for a reason.

Well, actually...

See, the reason is... is...
is 'cause I sent your picture in.

REN: Louis, why would you
do something like that?

Well, see, I... I just thought that
Connie and I, you know, needed our space.

-Can I call you Connie?
-No.

Look... it doesn't matter how I got here.

I'm here, and I love it.

Yeah, but, sir, you are modeling
for welder's equipment.

They can't even see your face.

Well, you got to start somewhere.

I mean, I'm sure soon I'll be modeling
you know, medical supplies and barbecues.

No, see, see, you don't understand.

See, we're hurting.

Landau is out of control, man.

There's nothing I can do about that.

-Sir, he canceled Strudel Day.
-Yeah.

What?

Wait a minute...

Ren and Louis Stevens here together?

I should have realized this was bad.

-That's right.
-Oh...

PHOTOGRAPHER: Lonny, Lonny...

How many times have I told you
that those taquitos are for everyone?

Huh?

Oh, really?

-PHOTOGRAPHER: Uh-huh.
-Well, we're out of here!

And it's Conrad!

Run, kids!

-Run like the wind!
-All right.

WEXLER: Here we go.

Yeah, you know,
once I took him under my wing

and taught him everything I knew,

there was never a doubt in my mind
we were going to win.

Let's go claim that prize.

Donnie, I got my finger cuffs.

That's great, Beans.

Now, why don't you cough over the rest
of those prize tickets

so I can buy Ally here
Professor Fuzz Fuzz?

You know, I don't think
that's going to work out.

Oh, and by the way,

his name's Esteban.

Hey, Beans...

Beans, we had a deal, man!

Hey, Al, I'm real...

(GROANS)

Guys? Twit?

-Oh, hey!
-Shh.

-How's it shaking, guys?
-Shh! Dude.

-What?
-Dude, there's no talking in the halls.

He'll hear us.

He hears everything,
and what are you wearing?

Don't you know about Landau's dress code?

Oh, please. I wouldn't worry
about that too much longer.

(OVER P.A.): Uh, excuse me.
This is Mr. Landau.

I'll just cut to the chase here;

as of today,
I am no longer your principal.

(CHEERING)

-(LAUGHING)
-Uh, I heard that.

I'm going to be following my dream.

I've been offered a position
on an international cruise ship

entertaining the passengers
with my magical skills.

From now on, I'll be known
as the Amazing Landau.

-(STUDENTS CHEERING)
-Dude, dude, how did you pull it off?

Well, you know, I... I had a little help.

There it is.

"Dear Mr. Landau,

"on behalf of our cruise line,

"I have been authorized
to offer you employment

"as our ship's magician!"

-He got the job, buddy!
-Hey, all right.

Well, we sent a very good resume.
Very professional.

I feel so naughty.

Oh, wow. There's a problem.

"Please report to Helsinki, Finland,

"where our world cruise will begin."

Oh, no. How are we going
to get Mr. Landau to Finland?

I can't think of a better way
to spend my modeling money.

My friend, you are a stinking genius.

You know, I thought
the same thing this morning.

So, I went and made this, buddy.
What do you think?

Nice, right? Landau, hey.

I just wanted to wish you
good luck in Helsinki, man.

-Yeah. We're really going to miss you.
-Yeah.

Not.

Did I just say that out loud?

Well, you'll be in good hands.

So...

see ya.

Oh. Well, he's not bad.

REN (OVER P.A.):
Attention students.

I have a very special announcement.

I'd like you to welcome our new Principal
and our old Principal, Mr. Wexler.

I'm back!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Oh, right at a turbo!

(YELLS) You b*at me again.

(WEXLER LAUGHS)
That's three games in a row. Mmm...

You know, I liked it better
when we were enemies.

Me, too.

-One more game.
-You got it. Okay.

(LAUGHS) All right, who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?

-Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
-Say my name, say my name.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)