09x01 - Foisted!

[bunniefuu]

Larry: ♪ a robin feathering his nest
has very little time to rest ♪

♪ while gathering
his bits of twine and twig ♪

♪ though quite intent
in his pursuit ♪

♪ he has a merry tune
to toot ♪

♪ it's clear a song ♪

♪ will move the job along ♪

♪ for a spoonful of sugar
helps the medicine go down ♪

♪ the medicine go down ♪

♪ the medicine--
the medicine go down ♪

♪ for a spoonful of... ♪

f*ck!

( shouts )

( shouting )

Woman:
Hey! Hey!

Wha-- why didn't you
keep the door open?

Oh, um...

No-- no "After you"?

I-- I-- I didn't really
get an "After you" vibe.

Well-- well, why not?
I'm a woman, aren't I?

- Yeah...
- Really?

Well, I-- I just didn't
think you were the type

who would want a guy
to hold the door open for you.

- What type am I?
- You know, you're a type.

You have,
uh, short hair,

you wear a tie,
you got a vest.

It's, uh--
it's a look.

So, you looked at me
and then let a door shut on me.

I thought you might not
want that, that's all.

I was just trying
not to offend you,

and yet I wound up offending you,
which is quite ironic.

It is ironic because I would've enjoyed
the door being open for me.

- And-- you know what I mean?
- Uh, well,

also there was some
distance involved, too.

- So I would say type plus distance--
- Oh, you have an equation?

- Yeah, type--
- You have an equation for the--

Yes, it's
a mathematical equation.

Type plus distance
equals no door hold.

Where did you get
that equation from?

Uh, I made it up.

Well, you know,
what kind of vibe I'm getting from you

is that that's a f*cked up equation,
you know what I mean?

But you can't argue
with the distance, though.

That's a--

that's a big factor.

Larry: Huh?!

"Fatwa! The Musical,"
written by Larry David.

- Finally!
- Five years.

- Five years.
- Yeah.

You wrote a musical
about Salman Rushdie

having his life ruined
'cause he got a fatwa, a death thr*at,

from the Ayatollah Khomeini.

I'm telling you,
there's a lot of funny stuff in there.

Who do you think about
playing Salman Rushdie

and what about
the ayatollah?

Salman Rushdie,
I don't know,

but, uh,
the ayatollah,

I'm actually flirting
with the notion of doing it.

- You for the ayatollah?
- I don't know, I probably won't do it.

- It's like the--
- The idea sucks, Lar.

It's a stupid idea.
It's just a...

- How are you helping?
- ...Fatwa.

Really?
Oh, like you're a paragon of tastes.

- Yeah.
- Larry, I've seen everything on Broadway.

- This is my office.
- It's a stupid f*cking idea!

Fatwa! People don't wanna see that.
They want uplifting.

- They want-- - You don't even know
what you're talking about!

- You sound like a moron. You know that?
- Do I, really?

Yeah, you do.
It's a good idea.

And by the way,
what the hell are you doing here anyway?

Well, I was in the area
looking-- ah-- for venues.

- He-- does he know?
- No.

Guess who's
getting married.

- Sammi's getting married?
- Yes, my little Samella. Yes.

- Who's the guy?
- He's a vet.

- An Afghan w*r vet.
- Really?

- He was a Marine.
- Don't you got to be careful

with the, uh,
you know, the PTSD?

He doesn't have PTSD.

I would know.
I know things.

You don't know.
You know, it comes on in a year or two.

He could wake up in the middle
of the night and start punching.

- What is that? What are you doing?
- He could wake up...

( chuckles )
...you know, like that.

All right. All right,
you guys are f*ckin' morons.

- Ah, you poor fucker.
- ( buzzer blares )

- Secretary: Your haircut's here.
- Yeah, send her in.

- You get a haircut in the office?
- Yeah.

- Betty!
- Hi, Susie! How's it going?

- How are you, my love?
- Good.

- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Betty.

How are you?
Good to see you.

Jeff:
Good to see you.

Huh.

So... sorry.

Oh, it's fine.
I'm over it.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

He didn't open the door for me.
It was a whole thing.

- I was walking to the door.
He didn't open it. - Because the tie

- and the short hair...
- In fact, he let it shut.

And then it was offensive
to me, obviously,

because it's just-- 'cause he thinks that
I wouldn't want the door open.

- Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.
- You know what? It's okay.

- Water under the bridge.
- Water under the bridge.

That's Betty.
Betty, you're too good, I'll tell ya.

She also happens to be
a lesbian.

And she's marrying
her partner in a few weeks.

( scoffs )
She's a lesbian.

She takes such great pride
in having a lesbian friend.

( mocking )
"Oh. Oh, look at me, everybody.

I'm so cool,
I hang out with lesbians."

I had lesbian friends before
you knew what lesbians were.

- Hey, by the way...
- Uh-huh.

...you know,
I could use a haircut.

You could.
You could.

And you know what?
I could do it for you.

- Really?
- Yes, yes. I can come to your house.

And I'll open
the door for you.

- ( chuckles ) Okay.
- Huh?

- Huh? Come on. Right?
- All right.

- Right. Yeah.
- Okay, okay.

- Okay.
- Okay. All right.

Hey, it's my
long-lost assistant.

Welcome back!

- Thank you.
- Welcome back.

You had a nice little
two-day unauthorized vacation.

Oh, not--
it wasn't a vacation.

- Oh, it wasn't?
- No, I was-- I was very constipated.

- I couldn't poop.
- No, I know what constipation is.

You don't come to work
for two days

because you were
constipated?

Yeah. Luckily it was
only two days.

The whole world
is out there constipated.

Half the population
is constipated.

I got married constipated.
People do things constipated.

You wouldn't want me here.
I wouldn't-- I wouldn't...

No, I would want you here.
Why wouldn't I want you here?

I don't function well with
the feeling of heaviness.

I feel like I'm wearing
a cement inner tube.

- Mm-hmm.
- And now, I mean,

it's about being available
for it to happen.

And it hasn't totally happened,
I'm gonna be honest.

The blessed event
hasn't occurred yet?

It's partially occurred,

but I'm gonna soldier on
here at the office

so that we can get
some stuff done.

You're gonna
soldier on. Wow.

( Scottish accent )
Aye, lassie. I admire your courage.

This is one of those fields,
like many, that isn't researched enough.

Perhaps, you-- you could
champion the cause of constipation.

( laughs )
You could-- you could raise money.

You could go on,
you could have fundraisers.

You know, you could--
you could have groups

where people who are constipated
get together and--

and talk about
their problems.

- I don't-- - In fact, you know what else
you might wanna think about?

Instead of sitting
in a chair at your desk,

put in a toilet seat.
( chuckles )

You know,
have an office bathroom.

Maybe something to
consider for the future

if you wanted to look
into the plumbing.

- Come on. Not a bad idea.
- Um, anyway.

Well, uh, I did get a voicemail,
and Richard Lewis called.

And, uh, unfortunately,
his parakeet d*ed.

Aw. Hmm.

- Had you ever met him?
- Yes. Yes, I did.

- What was he like?
- Bird-like. He was bird-like.

- Yeah.
- You know what? I'll cheer him up.

I'll send him a little text.
How about that?

Yeah, well,
I think for death,

sometimes a text
is inadequate.

Yes, perhaps
if it were a person,

I would agree with you.

- All right. Done. He's gonna love it.
- ( phone chirps )

Hey, do me a favor.

This pen
is out of ink.

I need a refill.

Okay?

There you go.

And you....

There you go.
You got the refill.

You have the refill.

You have the refill.

I worry I'm gonna lose
something this small.

You take that.

- And I will look that up.
- Okay.

Okay.

And think
about that toilet.

- The chair toilet.
- All right.

You just sit there
at your desk.

Pretty good idea.

( muffled music thumping )

( muffled music continues )

( music blaring )

Hey.

- Come on.
- What's up?

Turn this down.
It's too loud.

- What's too f*cking loud?
- I hear it on the street.

Wait-- just wait
a f*ckin' minute.

- I'll turn this sh*t down, okay?
- ( music fades )

- Yeah. What are you doing?
- Ah. You okay?

- Yeah. What are you doing?
- I'm f*ckin' lamping. What you doing?

You're lamping?

Chillin'.
Relaxing.

Why did you change it
from chillin'?

What was wrong
with chillin'?

Got to get another one?
Lamping?

Lamping. I can sit around here
with some f*ckin' boxers on

and a t*nk top
with my feet the f*ck up.

And chillin' is what?
You gotta be in real clothes?

- You can walk around and chill.
- Oh.

You upright.
You chillin' upright.

You guys got some great slang,
I gotta say.

- The f*ck you got?
- We got boss.

That's a boss shirt.

- Oh, man.
- Huh?

You can keep
that boss sh*t.

- Keep that bullshit.
- Boss isn't--

boss isn't happening,
is it, huh?

Hey, I wouldn't even
say that sh*t by mistake.

Get this--
my assistant, okay,

doesn't come to work
for two days.

You know why?
You know what she tells me?

- What?
- She was constipated.

Who doesn't come to work
'cause they're constipated?

Have you ever
heard of that?

- f*ck, no. Come on, man.
- Ridiculous.

Come on, I sh*t
a p*rn constipated.

I ran a 5k marathon
constipated.

sh*t, man, come on.

I was in a hot dog-eating
contest constipated.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it.

You sh*t a p*rn?

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Seriously.

And a hot dog-eating
contest constipated.

And I still f*cking won.
That's not a f*cking excuse.

You cannot let this bitch use constipation
as something to lean on.

You got to
fire that bitch.

Yeah, well, that's
easier said than done.

It's, you know--
she's got a--

she's got a limp
and a cane.

I'd feel sorry for her.

I can't.
I can't do it.

And by the way,
that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Okay.
What the f*ck else could it be?

I'm not at liberty
to-- to say.

- I can't say.
- What is it?

I don't wanna say.
I don't wanna talk about it.

You f*cking walk all the way
the f*ck over here,

you disturb me
from f*cking lamping,

and you ain't even gonna f*cking
tell me what the f*ck it is?

I-- I--
I can't say.

Tell me what the f*ck
going on.

( sighs )

Let's just say
her uncle f*cked her.

- Recently?
- No, no. Years ago.

- Oh, sh*t, man. - You see-- you see
the dilemma that I have?

Between the limp
and the cane and the uncle...

( stammering )
She's unfirable.

- God damn it, man, you can't f*cking
fire her. - I can't fire her, I know.

And the thing about it
is that

she was so highly
recommended, too.

She used to work for Jimmy Kimmel
and he recommended her to me.

He said she was great,
and she's awful.

Why would
he recommend her?

I know what
the f*ck happened.

He foisted you, man.

f*cking Jimmy Kimmel
foisted that bitch on you.

What do you mean?

He couldn't
fire her either,

so he passed her ass
onto you.

Don't you ever allow yourself
to get foisted.

- You understand? That f*cking
limpy-ass girl-- - I got foisted.

Now, the only way
to resolve this sh*t,

go in your f*cking mind
and you think of someone

you can unload
this limpy bitch onto.

You have to get rid
of this bitch.

You know what,
every now and then--

every now and then,
yeah, I gotta say, you surprise me.

Whoo.

Boom. Boom.

Is that still workable?

The fist bump?
Is that still...?

There's people
still doing that, yeah.

Will you let me know
when that goes out of fashion?

When that sh*t stop,
I'll let you know.

And if you see me
doing anything else

that the black community
might frown upon as being uncool,

you're gonna
let me know.

I'll stop your ass.
You know I will.

( chuckles )
Now go upstairs and start lamping.

I'm so excited
right now.

- Like, I can't even tell you.
- Sure.

I just never thought that
I'd be having a wedding.

- Have you been married?
- I have, yes.

So, you've had a wedding,
so you know how awesome it is.

- Yeah, but I wasn't excited in the least.
- Oh, you weren't?

- No. But I never get excited, you know.
- About anything?

No, my mother
used to say to me,

"Larry, you--
you never get excited."

- Really?
- "Can't you be excited?"

It-- it broke her heart.
I-- there's no excitement.

Well, I'm excited,

- so I appreciate you letting me talk.
- That's-- that's great.

I have a couple
of questions, logistically,

about how
the whole thing works.

- Okay.
- So, when the rabbi

or the minister
or whoever says,

"Do you take so-and-so--"
what's your fiancée's name?

- Numa. - Numa. "Do you take Numa to be
your lawfully wedded wife..."

It doesn't really
work like that.

Oh. Okay,
but what about, um,

"Here Comes The Bride"?
Who gets the song?

- I'm getting that song.
- You're getting the song?

You're getting
"Here Comes The Bride"?

Yeah.
That's my song.

I wanted
to be the bride

and Numa's actually
always wanted to be the groom,

so it worked out good.

Not really getting,
uh, bride vibes from you.

Well, that's 'cause
you're not at the wedding...

With all due respect,
yeah, I don't see bride.

I don't see bride,
okay, from here.

No, try and see it.
Try and see it.

- We're at the wedding--
- I can't see it.

- My dad walks me down the-- the thing.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

I have a veil
with, like,

- a flower--
- Oh, my God, you got the gown, too?

- Yeah.
- Oh, no, this is a huge, huge mistake.

- No, it's-- um, it's amazing.
- No.

Look, you got
a picture of Numa?

Okay, she's beautiful,
obviously.

( scoffs )
Okay. That's a-- that's a bride, okay?

- Well...
- That's a bride.

That's a groom.

Believe me,
I say this only with the best intentions.

That's a f*ckin' bride.
You a g*dd*mn groom.

- The groom, right?
- You a g*dd*mn groom.

- Yeah.
- What's her name?

- Numa.
- Numa fine as f*ck.

- Right? She is.
- You are one lucky-ass groom.

- Thank you.
- She gorgeous?

Leon:
I'll see you later. Mm.

Hey, we need
more peanut butter.

Okay, well,
we're done.

Oh. Uh, how much
do I owe you?

- Uh, 150.
- ( scoffs ) 150?

Yeah, boy,
you're gonna love that.

Oh, boy, you're making
quite a living there barbering.

150 for a bald man?

- For a haircut?
- Yeah, well, you're not bald.

- You do have hair.
- Well... yeah.

- So, thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.

Think about
what I said.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

You're a lovely girl,
Betty, but, uh,

you're not a bride.

Unfortunately.
Unfortunately.

_

( chatter continues )

So, this is
more of the kick-off,

- and then we'll have a big gala--
- Cheryl?

- Hi. Excuse me.
- Hey!

Oh, I'm so glad
you're here.

- Oh, really?
- Thank you for coming.

What is
this name, PAM?

That's the best
you could do?

It's like--
it's a cooking spray-- PAM.

No, it's People Against Mutilation,
genital mutilation.

Yeah, I know
what it stands for.

And there are
very few charities

that actually focus on the clitoris
and talk about it.

I think you got
half the population

focused on
the clitoris.

- I'm deadly focused on it.
- You are?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

- Hey, Ted!
- How are you?

- I haven't seen you in a while.
- I know!

- I know. It's nice to see you.
- Where's Mary?

Mary? Oh, uh, yeah...
( sighs )

Oh, you know, I haven't
seen you guys for so long.

Mary and I have been separated for, like,
three months, you know.

- The divorce is almost final.
- What?

- My bad. Sorry.
- Oh, my God.

- Holy mackerel.
- I am shocked.

Oh, no, no, no.
Truth is I think we're better friends now

than when
we were married.

That's total bullshit.

You just-- you have
to say that to yourselves

to wean yourself
off the relationship.

- What is that?
- It's a breath spray.

Oh, thank God.
I think Jeff's looking for you.

Yeah, one second.

Gotta go talk
to my manager.

- Okay.
- Big stuff happening.

- Ooh.
- Big stuff.

- Strangest man on the planet.
- ( chuckles ) I know.

Crazy,
crazy exciting.

- Really?
- Yep.

Every producer
I sent "Fatwa!" to is in.

- Wow.
- Every producer I talked to.

I've got so many producers
that want to do this.

- Look at you, Mr. Broadway.
- ( scoffs )

Got you booked on "Jimmy Kimmel"
to talk about it already.

- Really? Do I need to do that?
- Yep.

Oh, yeah,
you need to do that.

Get out there,
start talking about this.

This is very exciting.

Hey, how much does
Betty charge you for a haircut?

- 75.
- She charged me $150.

- Twice as much?
- Twice as much.

- That's crazy.
- I know it's crazy.

- Why would she do something like that?
- I don't know.

- She ripped me off.
- You want me to call her?

No, no, no.
I'm gonna say something to her.

- Feel free.
- Good.

Hey, it's Lewis.

Come here.

- I'll meet you over there.
- Cool, cool.

All right, I'll meet you over there.
Fine.

- Happy?
- No, I'm not, actually.

- This is not the middle.
- I don't move again.

The middle--
the middle would've been over there.

I took way more steps
than you did to get here.

- I'm older than you.
- Hey, by the way, good news about "Fatwa!"

There's a lot of producers
interested in it.

I don't care about
your f*cking play,

'cause my bird d*ed

and you sent the most
ridiculous, despicable text.

"Sorry about your bird.

The good news is
I'm still alive."

- Prick.
- Prick?

This is a tragedy and you treated it
like it was nothing to me.

- How dare you?
- I-- I don't see it as a tragedy.

You don't? Why not?
It's my bird.

- If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy.
- Oh, really?

Or some exotic bird
from Brazil

like a macaw
or a toucan.

I don't live in
a Cuban dancehall.

I live in my own home
and it doesn't take toucans.

You know, it's a dead parakeet.
That's a funny thing.

I loved him.
It was unconditional love.

- It was-- even--
- Unconditional love?

- He came over-- - He doesn't
know you from a hole in the wall.

He knows me. He knew you.
Remember he came over once?

He went, "Seinfeld, Seinfeld."
He loved you, too.

I'm not quite sure
it was "Seinfeld."

( imitates parakeet )
And you-- you thought that was "Seinfeld."

- Yeah.
- No.

( imitates parakeet )
Yeah, that's not Seinfeld.

You know why I'm laughing?
At the sadness of your entire existence.

- Well...
- You're so unjust--

I take that
as a great compliment.

Well, there's a lack
of empathy and compassion

and sympathy for practically
everything in your life.

There's a lack
of everything.

- Don't you feel good about--
- Look, you're a comedian.

You're supposed to be able
to take a joke, you know?

You're supposed to laugh
about everything.

Just because I'm a comedian, I
have to find everything in the world funny?

Yes,
everything's funny.

You're devoid
of anything

that's remotely caring
or empathetic.

- And it's sad, and I--
- Are you sure a dead parakeet isn't funny?

This, to me,
is a tragedy.

- I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna go, too.

- I'm going this way.
- No, no, I'm going this way.

No, you came
from that way.

You go that way,
I'll go this way.

No, I wanna
go that way.

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey.

I'm late, I'm late.
I know.

Nice of you
to show up.

Well, Larry,
I've been so crazy busy.

I've never been
like this in my life.

Did Jeff tell you
about my new business?

I heard something.
What is it?

Soaps On.

It's a skin care,
bath products, all organic...

- Soaps On?
- ...sustainable.

Could you come up with
a worse name than Soaps On?

It's a great name.
You know, you don't know

what the f*ck
you're talking about.

- It's a great name.
- Okay, good, good.

So, what have you been doing?
You've been working at night on it?

Nonstop. I think I'm gonna
have to hire an assistant.

I think I have to maybe--
maybe more than one.

What?

Did I just hear you say
you needed to hire an assistant?

I think I do, yeah.
I'm burning the candles on both ends.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Well, you know, I'm gonna
be going to New York to do the play.

Yeah, "Fatwa!"

And I'm not gonna be able
to take my assistant.

- She's good?
- Oh, good?

She's-- she's the best
I ever had.

Well, what's her history?
Where-- where is she--

- Oh, she worked for Kimmel.
- Jimmy Kimmel?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he's a big star.

- Ah...
- What? What?

- Come on, what?
- Eh...

- What?
- I can't give her up.

- I-- I can't. She's--
- What are you gonna use her for?

You're gonna be on the phone with
her here and you're in New York?

That's ridiculous.
That doesn't make any sense.

You need to hire
a new assistant in New York

and let me
take this one.

What the hell?
You can have her!

- Ah! Yay!
- Huh? Yeah!

- Oh, I love you so much!
- Ha ha! Yeah?

Oh, this is great!
I feel like a weight

has been lifted
off my shoulders, Lar.

- Me, too.
- You won't be sorry.

Trust me.
Fantastic!

Pretty good.

Pretty, pretty, pretty,
pretty good.

( women arguing )

Betty: I'm not saying
you can't be the groom.

I'm just saying
I think I might not be the bride.

I saw myself and then I'm gonna
walk down the--

Wha-- Larry?
What are you doing here?

The door--
the door was ajar.

You! You're the one
that put this in her head?

- What? What? I--
- What is your agenda, man?

- No, I didn't do anything.
- Of course he just shows up, too.

- Out of nowhere. Just-- you're here now.
- The door was ajar.

The-- you left
the door ajar.

You have no business weighing in
on this wedding, okay?

It's not completely
his fault, um, but--

( stammering )
No, I just thought--

Look, you're
a beautiful bride.

- You should be a bride.
- I'm the groom.

I don't wanna be
the bride.

You're not groomy,
she's not bridey.

- You know-- - How is it appropriate for you
to have an opinion about this?

Well, because I know her.
She gave me a haircut.

She charged a lot of money
for it, by the way.

What kind of psychopath

interferes with the nuances
of a lesbian wedding?

Hey, I saw wrong
and tried to right it. That's all.

- I can't believe--
- That's what Ted Kennedy said

about Robert Kennedy
at his funeral.

I'm-- I'm like
Robert Kennedy.

You know what's not
Robert Kennedy-ish?

- Hmm?
- Wandering into people's homes

and spouting nonsense.

Oh. Okay.
Well, don't leave the door ajar.

- Stop saying "ajar"!
- Okay.

What is really going on here?
Do you need a hobby?

( scoffs )
Not a terrible idea.

You're-- you're right
about that.

That's-- that's
a good idea.

I just can't seem
to find the motivation.

You know, when I was a kid,
I would collect butterflies.

I would go in the park,
I had a-- a net,

and I would--
I would use the net.

I cannot tell you
how much satisfaction there is

in trapping
a butterfly in a net...

I didn't expect you
to actually answer--

I didn't expect an actual answer
to that question!

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter about him.

- It doesn't--
- I'm done.

It doesn't matter about him.
I just want you to be happy.

I want us to have a successful
wedding and a successful life.

- Fantastic.
- I'll do anything you want.

- Whatever you want.
- I wanna be the groom.

You waited too long.

That's everything
I need to know.

- No, no, no!
- Here is your ring.

- I wish this friendship the best.
- No. Oh...

- What...?
- Aw, come on.

No. No, don't-- no.

Come, come-- no.

- Here, allow me.
- What the f*ck are you doing?

- No good? - I don't need you to hold
the door for me, you prick.

You see?
See what happens?

I held the door,
she didn't like it.

You chastised me
for holding the door.

What's a guy supposed to do?
I'm betwixt and between.

- Why are you here?
- I'll tell you why I'm here.

'Cause I asked Jeff
what you charged him for a haircut

and he told me $75.

- Uh-huh.
- You charged me $150.

- Mm-hmm.
- What's up with that?

Get the f*ck
out of my house.

Okay.

Are you sure...?

Okay, I got it.
I got that.

( sing-song )
I've got some news.

Wha-- what is it?

Okay, 'cause of the musical,
I might be going to New York.

And I thought,
"What am I gonna do about Mara?"

So, guess what.

I got you a job
with my friend,

a very close friend of mine,
as her assistant.

She's starting this new company
called Soaps On

- for natural bath and beauty products--
- Larry, th-thank you. I--

This woman really knows
what she's doing.

And by the way,
she's such a terrific person.

This woman's a--
she's a f*cking saint, okay?

Well, okay. I mean...
( sighs )

Don't take this
the wrong way.

Always, this job
felt a little bit

- like it wasn't challenging enough.
- Is that so?

So this-- this could be
a good opportunity.

We can start
right now.

Yeah, let's pack you up
and let's get you the hell out of here.

- Thank you.
- Thank you for all the-- the-- the work,

the hard work that you did, even
though it wasn't very challenging at all.

- And I don't even know what you did,
exactly, but... - You know, I just-- it just--

...you claim to have done something,
but I'm sure you did.

Anyway, let's go.

- There we go.
- Careful.

There we go.
You got this, you got all this.

Oh, look,
you got little cookies and cakes here.

Okay, take the plant.
Yeah.

There you go.
Okay.

Take your water.
Get this out.

- I just--
- What else? We're done. We're good.

There we go.

Okay. Oh, yeah,
you're gonna have a good time.

- Oh, thanks. - Yeah. Can't you walk
a little faster with that thing?

They-- they have Olympic events for that.
They speed along.

Do you want to get
a celebratory drink or...?

Nah.
I don't think so.

All right, then.
Well, should we-- should we hug goodbye?

I'll tell you what.
Let's do one of these.

There we go.

Now you got your box,
we had a little hug.

- Thanks, Larry.
- All right, you take care.

- All right.
- We'll see ya.

- Bye, Leon.
- Give my best to Susie.

- Tell her I said hi.
- See ya.

- ( door closes )
- Tell me that's what the f*ck I think it is.

- That's a foist.
- Mm, f*ck!

That was a foist!

- My man, look at you.
- Yep!

- You did it!
- Huh? How 'bout that?

She ain't gonna limp her ass
back up in here, right?

- Oh, no chance.
- Draggin' that g*dd*mn foot, right?

No chance.
She's been foisted, man.

So she's not
coming back?

- Nope.
- She's out of here for good?

- Out.
- ( chuckles )

I can do this.

What?
What are you talkin' about?

I can do this sh*t.

What?
Do what sh*t?

I can be
your new assistant.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's--
that's impossible.

Come on, man.

( phone ringing )

Larry David's office.
What the f*ck is up?

Oh, I'm sorry,
that bitch got foisted.

You only get half price
'cause you drive a g*dd*mn Smart car.

All right?

Don't call me
no f*cking more.

Mm.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey, how you doin'?

What's happening?
Good to see you.

- Good to see you. Hi.
- How are you? Welcome.

- What's going on?
- Not-- this is Leon, by the way.

- This is Jimmy.
- Good to be here, baby.

- Good to have you here.
- He's my temporary assistant.

- ( phone chiming )
- Hold on, hold on.

Hey, Jeff.
What's up?

- Hey. Is that for me?
- We at "Jimmy Kimmel."

I'm gonna
take it outside.

f*cking good as f*ck.

- What is this, crudité?
- Yeah, crudité, yeah.

Crudi-take.

All right?

What are you doing?
Don't take that.

It's fine because--
no, we--

- it's not like we reuse it.
- Hey, are you nuts?

- Put the f*cking thing back, you assh*le.
- f*ck you, Larry! f*ck you!

- So, Jeff...
- ( chuckles )

- He's not gonna take it. It's a joke.
- Okay. Yeah.

- How you doing? Everything all right?
- Yeah, yeah. Good.

- What have you been up to?
- Uh, you know, just lampin'.

Lamping?
Like L-A-M-P-I-N-G?

There's no "G" at the end.
Lampin'.

Lampin'. Okay.
All right. Is that--

- It's black slang. I pick it up from him.
- Oh, okay. Oh, all right.

- I didn't realize that.
- But, um... let me, uh--

let me congratulate you,
by the way.

Oh, thank-- on what?

On the wonderful,
fantastic job

of foisting
that you did.

- What do you mean?
- Nice job.

You foisted Mara
on me.

I did foist her
on you.

- I did. I really did foist her on you.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Fantastic foist.
- I told--

and by the way, Marty Short
foisted her on me.

He foisted her on you.
Okay, well, guess what.

You've gotta now
foist her on somebody else.

- Yeah.
- Done. It's already done.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- It feels good, right?
- Thank you. Oh, my God.

It's like
a pyramid scheme, almost.

Uh, yeah.
In a way, yes.

Eventually there will--
somebody at the end

will have
to marry her.

- Exactly! Exactly, yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for coming.
It's great to have you here.

- Yeah, thanks. I'll see you out there.
- All right, see you out there.

- Take it easy.
- It's gonna be fun.

Now, um, I understand
you have a new project.

New-- something
you're working on.

Yes, yes.
I've, uh--

I've written
a musical for Broadway.

- Mm-hmm?
- It's called, uh, "Fatwa!"

- ( audience laughing )
- "Fatwa"?

- "Fatwa!"
- And what is a fatwa?

A fatwa is a death sentence
handed out by the ayatollah.

And this is a comedy?

- Yes, yes.
- Okay. All right.

It's a musical comedy.

The ayatollah's in it.

Oh, the ayatollah
is in it?

Of course the ayatollah
is in it.

How can you have a fatwa
without an ayatollah?

You do need
an ayatollah, right.

What appeals to you
about the ayatollah?

The whole-- you know,
the denunciation.

There's a lot
of denunciation going on.

- The denunciation, okay.
- All day long, he's denunciating.

- He does do a lot of that.
- He does a lot of this, a lot of, you know.

- Uh-huh.
- By the way, I just did it four times.

I started to get
denunciation elbows.

- You have to be careful.
- Yeah, you gotta be careful.

- You can k*ll yourself.
- It's not easy to be the ayatollah.

It requires a lot of energy.
Yeah, yeah.

How many ayatollahs are there?
Are there only one ayatollah?

Well, now there's
only one ayatollah,

and they all seem
to have the same name

and they all seem
to spell it the same way.

And you never know--
if you look at the history of ayatollahs,

they-- it all seems
like one person.

- Yeah, yeah.
- They all look exactly the same,

and their names are
Khamenei, Khameeni, Khomani.

In a way,
it's like the way KFC

- has the different comedians
play Colonel Sanders. - Yes, yes.

- It's the same thing.
- What else about the ayatollah do you know?

He's, uh--
he doesn't like Waze.

He likes-- he likes to--
he likes to navigate on his own, you know?

- Oh, Waze, okay.
- Yeah, he doesn't like Waze.

He gets in the car.
Don't tell-- don't give him any direction.

He doesn't like
to be told things.

"I know how to go.

The Waze takes me to--
to El Mansour Boulevard

and gives me a left turn
in rush hour. No good."

- You know. - I feel like maybe I've been
in an Uber with the ayatollah,

'cause I've heard
this very same dialogue.

- That's possible. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you know about
the ayatollah's life?

Like, does he--
does he eat cereal?

He loves granola.

- He does?
- Yes.

Well, well.
Look at you.

You got here ahead of me.
I can't believe it.

God damn right.
I'm doing my f*cking dizzle, baby.

Jesus, you're--
you're workin'.

Hey, that ayatollah bit
you did on "Kimmel" was f*cking great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You liked it?
- I f*ckin' loved it.

- Oh, good.
- ( phone ringing )

Larry David's office.
What's up?

- Let me speak to Larry.
- It's Jeff.

Okay, transfer it
to here.

How?

- I don't know.
- What's taking so long? Get Larry!

Hold on, Jeff.
Hold on.

- Hey.
- Turn on the TV!

- What channel?
- Every channel!

Every g*dd*mn channel!

You're a complete
and total f*ck-up.

You're a total,
total f*ck-up.

Larry David, who you may know as
the co-creator of "Seinfeld,"

went on "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
last night

to talk about his new
musical called "Fatwa!"

in which the ayatollah
is one of the main characters.

There's a small harem.
Uh, he has a fetish for redheads.

And twice a year, he goes to Ireland
on a harem shopping spree.

Today, the Ayatollah
Abdullah Kazemaini of Iran

has accused Larry David
of blasphemy,

issuing an actual fatwa and calling
for the death of the comedian.

Here's what
the ayatollah had to say.

( speaking Persian )

...Larry David.

..."Seinfeld."

- What the f*ck?!
- "What the f*ck" is right.

Interpreter:
No one would dare insult

the sacred beliefs
of Muslims,

nor disparage our honor.

I didn't disparage.
There was no disparage.

- You did disparage.
- No, no. I didn't disparage!

I begged you not to
imitate the ayatollah.

- No, you didn't!
- I told Leon.

I said you got to get
this message to him.

Jeff told you to tell me
not to do the ayatollah?

I didn't f*cking remember. How the
f*ck am I gonna remember that sh*t?

- ( both shouting )
- What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

- I didn't know what the f*ck--
- Oh, my God! What the f*ck?!

...Larry David!

Interpreter:
So I call on valiant Muslims,

wherever they may be,

to k*ll Larry David
without delay.

- What?! - And whoever may die in
this cause will be a martyr.

No! I'll repent!
I'll be punished!

Even if Larry David repents,
he will be condemned to death.

I'll-- I'll convert!
I'll become a Muslim!

Even if Larry David
converts to Islam,

he should still
be sent to hell.

- ( shouts ) Jeff!
- You got a f*cking fatwa!

- I got a fatwa!
- You got fatwa'd!

No!

Agent: Gentlemen, the FBI
takes this very seriously.

But it's nothing
that you really need to worry about.

What the-- that's
so easy for you to say.

I-- the ayatollah
mentioned my name.

The f*cking guy was on television,
screaming my name.

( imitates ayatollah )
Larry David!

( imitating continues )
Larry David!

I'm doing Spanish,
it sounds like.

( imitates speaking Spanish )
Larry David!

Quick question. Um, what about friends
of people that have fatwas?

Fatwa by association.

What kind of
f*cking question is that?

- Do I associate with you?
- Yeah.

Okay.
I wanna know what my situation is.

Fatwa by association.
What do you know about it?

- You're fine as well.
- I am?

- You're fine.
- Hey, I got an idea.

I go on the "Jimmy Kimmel" show
and I apologize.

- I apologize to the ayatollah.
- You think I didn't think of that?

I've already talked
to the "Kimmel" show.

They want nothing
to do with you.

This whole thing's
falling apart.

Every "Fatwa!" producer
has called me.

This is all dead.

( Larry whispers )
Hey.

- It's me.
- Holy sh*t.

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

- I'm wearing a disguise.
- You think that's gonna help?

Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.
What am I supposed to do?

Disguises have been employed
effectively in the past.

Tyra Banks dressed up
as a fat person on her show

to see what
it's like being fat.

Needless to say,
it wasn't very pleasant.

Have you ever seen
"Undercover Boss"?

The guy goes undercover,
nobody even knows who he is.

He's the boss of the whole company.
He fools everybody.

Well, you know
what the good news is?

I'm still alive.

You know what?

That's not funny.

- It's not funny.
- You know, you're a comedian.

You should be able
to take a joke.

What, you're comparing this
to your dead parakeet?

- Nothing compares to my dead parakeet.
- Yeah.

Numa:
Larry David!

- I know you're in here. I saw your car.
- Holy sh*t.

- Fatwa?
- ( whispers ) No, lesbian bride.

Larry David?
Where the f*ck are you, Larry?

Prepare to die,
baldy.

I know you're in here, Larry!
I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

And the next time
a door's ajar,

maybe stay the f*ck out!

I'm gonna
f*cking k*ll you!

Larry f*cking David!

( water rushing )

( door squeaks )

Fatwa?!

No, cocksucker.
Foisted!