06x23 - Icky Shuffle

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing
with the Clark bar?

I thought you were
a snickers man.

Oh. I delivered
to an Ed Clark today,

and, well, one thing
led to another.

Any chance you might deliver
to a Steve celery sometime?

Any chance you could
deliver to shutty town?

I used to love these as a kid.

Mmm.

Actually stole one once.

You stole?

Yep. I was at herb's candies one day.

I came up a dime short,

so I just put one
in my pocket,

slipped out the front door and ate it.

minutes later, I felt so
guilty I threw it all up.

And yet you got back
on the horse.

How about you, you
ever steal anything?

Uh... once
in high school,

a bunch of us stole a car.

I'm sorry?

Well, if you want
to be technical,

it was more of a carjacking.

The, uh, the shop teacher
Mr. Peshkin

was gonna fail a bunch of us,

so we waited for him
after school, and, um,

when he was climbing
into his crappy old buick,

my friend Jimmy
came up behind him,

and he was, like,
"get down! Get down!"

Like he had a g*n
or something.

So Mr. Peshkin, he just
dropped to the pavement,

and we just all piled
in his car and took off.

He never saw us.

But then later on, we started
freaking out about fingerprints,

so we stripped
the license plates

and pushed the car
into the river.

It's crazy the stuff
you do as a kid, right?

Ohh.

I've never wanted you more.

Do you ever think
at times like this

when I'm not looking my best,

is when I need to feel
attractive the most?

I need you to do
something for me, OK?

I already got you
your precious medicine.

I need you to go
with my father

to family night
at the senior center.

It starts at : .

I can't. Tonight
I have plans.

What plans?

I was gonna drink beer
and gamble on-line.

OK, you know what,

if you're gonna be
such a baby about it,

then I'll just go myself.

Wait, wait, wait.

Gosh...

Here, bundle up.

This is where Gus lumsen d*ed.

This is where
Chuck Randolph d*ed.

And this is where
they give us juice.

Wow. Well, this is great.
This is really, really great.

Oh, my God! Is it-
is it : already?

Oh, no. Here comes that
braggart Philip waldecott.

Spooner.

Waldecott.

Am I missing anything?
I'm a little late.

I just had a meeting
with our contractor.

We're building a new
guest wing onto our house.

What a coincidence.

We're building a new
guest wing on our house.

Well, lucky for us,
we'll be away in St. Barts

while they're doing
all the work.

Amazing. We'll be in St. Barts
while they're doing our work.

By the way, I'd like you
to meet my son-in-law Warren.

Pleasure.

I'd like you to meet
my son-in-law Warren.

Nice to meet you, Warren.

Actually, everybody
calls me Doug for short.

So, the member-guest
shuffleboard tournament

is coming up next week.

I understand that
the first prize

is a large basket of Mr.
Tootsie's foot care products.

I assume that you two
will be playing?

Playing?

We'll be giving you the drubbing
of your lives, waldecott.

Right, Warren?

OK, couple of things.

Not Warren, not goin'.

Well, come on, Warren.

You've been begging
to see my pottery.

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I didn't mean to
put you on the spot.

It just would've been nice to
stick it to that smug bastard.

You and me together, stepping
into that winner's circle,

holding up that foot powder.

I could almost taste it.

Spooner.

Can you believe this?

My gravy boat won first prize.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry to see you
walk away empty-handed.

But I suppose
you could go home

and look at your ribbons
from other years...

Oh, no, wait. You
haven't won any, have you?

No.

Well, anyway, I guess
I'll be seeing you in st. Barts.

All right, they're goin' down.

Carrie, it's Holly.
Can I come in?

Yeah. Hey, come in.
Join the party.

Your dad told me
you were sick,

so I brought you some soup.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Thank you.

And from what I can smell,

it smells great.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Oh, it's great.

Yeah, it's something my mom used
to make it for her boyfriends

when they were detoxing.

Oh, well, it was very
nice of you. Thank you.

Sure. I can come by tomorrow
and bring you some more

if you're still
not feeling well.

Well, if you don't mind.

Not at all.

All right, here you go.

Feel better, and I
will see you tomorrow.

OK.

Yeah.
Oh, and, Hol...

Could you maybe bring me
something a little sweet, too?

Like what?

I don't know.

Surprise me.

Oh, Douglas, thanks
again for doing this.

It means the world to me.

You got it, Arthur.
By the way,

they put a drawstring
on sweatpants for a reason.

All right, let's get
this practice underway.

We'll learn the court,

get our team
strategy together,

and while we're at it,

take in the sights.

You know, what happens
at the senior center

stays at the senior center.

All right.
Well, let's do it.

Let's see what
this game's all about.

All right. Remember, shuffleboard
is trickier than it looks.

I lettered
in sports, Arthur.

I think I can slide a salad
plate across a cement floor.

Ooh, looks like I knocked
you out again, Douglas.

You're in the zone, Josephine.

Your turn.

Once again, you've gone
a bit too far, dear.

OK, you know what? The
short one's pissing me off.

Relax. She's just trying
to get in your head.

Now, listen, Douglas.
You're strong.

You need to control
that strength.

Make it work for you.
Like this.

Now you.

Thanks for the match, boys.

We'll see you inside.

Losers buy the juice.

I can't believe this.

It looked much easier
on the Love Boat.

Don't worry about it, Douglas.

With a little more
practice, team Spooner

will be neck deep
in foot powder.

We'll show that
waldecott a thing or two.

Thanks, Arthur. You're right,
we're gonna win this thing.

You bet we will.
Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, damn it!

What are you doing? That
one was heading for the .

What are you doing?

Couldn't find a court
that's open at night.

How about our very long,
well-lit driveway?

Then I'd have to
roll up the hose.

It's a whole thing.

I'm gonna give you a free
pass on this one, honey,

because you're doing
a nice thing for my dad.

Really.

Can I, uh...

Use that free pass...

For Jack in the box?

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Oh, hey.

Carrie, I brought you some
of that noodle casserole,

and for dessert, rice pudding.

How you feeling?

Well...

I'm not as weak.

Well, don't you worry.

Miracle noodles
coming right up.

What is she, your caterer now?

I'm still sick, you know.

I'm very weak and achy.

Really. Then why weren't
you under the covers

before she got here?

I was trying to be
brave for you.

Health express coming through.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Enjoy.

OK. I will.

Mmm.

What do you think?

Great. I'm feeling
better already.

Good, good. Well, if
you're all set here,

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, um, Holly...

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just
that I don't know

what I'm gonna do
for dinner tomorrow.

Oh, I've got more of the
noodle casserole at home.

I could bring it by
if you want.

Yeeeahhh. I was thinking
something a little bit more...

Main coursey.

Like? Like?

Like...

Something with lamb?

You know?

Maybe those tiny lamb chops?

I'm just throwin'
that one out there.

O- OK, yeah.
No problem.

I just have to
stop by the store.

And the ATM.

Oh, and, could you maybe
make something for Doug, too?

I feel so bad. I haven't
been able to cook for him.

Wh-what would he like?

Um, I don't know.
Maybe some pasta?

Caesar salad?

Oh... OK.

Um...

We have, um, lamb chops

and pasta, Caesar salad.

Does that have
anchovies in it?

Usually does.
Do you want 'em?

Put 'em on the side.

Anchovies on the side.

And to drink?

Is sprite OK?
-up?

OK. OK.

Great.

Sprite.

Ah-choo!

Thanks.
God bless you.

Sprite.

Hello, Spence.

Calling it a night?

Yep. I am b*at.

I cannot wait to get into bed.

I'm sure that will
give me great comfort

while I'm alone on the
platform being stabbed.

It's perfectly safe down here.

Although I think people could
pick up after themselves.

If I was a betting man,

I'd say you couldn't
do that again.

I guess you'd lose, then.

Hold it, son.

By any chance,

have you ever played
shuffleboard?

No.

I can't believe that.
You must have played before.

You have perfect form.

Look, I have a tournament
coming up.

I want you to play with me.

No!

I told you I don't play!

Anymore.

The Summer I turned

was a magical time.

I was the best junior
shuffleboarder in the city.

My coach said,
"sky's the limit."

College recruiters
were hounding me.

And the girls...

Hello, first base.

I had just gotten back
from a Goodwill tour

of the iron curtain countries,

and I was on top of the world.

Hey, ma. I'm going to
the shuffleboard nationals

in boca raton.

Maybe I can win us
some prize money

and finally get us--

mom?

Coach wallach?

Hey, kid.

How you doin'?

That's great news, Spencer.

Now be a dear,
and get mommy a ginger ale.

That's a terrible story.

Although not exactly
a surprise ending.

On that day, I put down my cue

and I will never
pick it up again.

Fine.

But do me one favor then.

Do you know what this is?

Of course I do. It's a
regulation shuffleboard glove.

Put it on.

And if you still
feel the same way,

we'll never speak
of this again.

God, this just feels so right.

Uh...

Arthur.

What's Spence doing here?

And why is he dressed
like Mitch gaylord?

Ohh, there's no easy way
to say this, Douglas.

I'm making some changes
on team Spooner.

Actually, just one change.

He's in, you're out.

What are you talking about?

Let's not make a scene.

What about all that talk

about me and you
against the world,

holding up that foot powder,
winning this thing together?

The operative term
there was "winning."

Look at him, Douglas.
He's beautiful.

Like he's genetically
bred to play the game.

Fine.

You play with your boyfriend,

but I got news for you,
old man.

I've been practicing my game,

and you know what?
Here's a little taste

of what you're
gonna be missing.

Oh! My good hip!

Hey.

Hey, Hol, a little late
tonight. I'm starving.

OK. I have
your saffron Risotto

and your Chilean sea
bass with mango chutney.

Wait a minute. You didn't
make me your spring rolls?

Oh, no, no. I couldn't
find any fresh crab meat,

and I know how you
hate the imitation.

OK. You know what?

Don't you worry about it.

OK?

So, uh... I see you
went to work today.

Yeah, yeah. New job, so I had to
drag myself out of bed, you know?

I see you also dragged
yourself to bloomingdale's.

What are you driving
at here, Hol?

No. Well, it's just
that, I mean,

if someone were to
walk in here,

they might think
that I was the sick one

and that you were the
well one. That's all.

Well, I can't speak for you,
but I am sick.

What, should I be sitting
here with a big red nose

and a thermometer
hanging out of my mouth?

A hot water bottle right here?

This is what a sick
person looks like.

No, no. It's just...

Well, you bought lingerie.

I am sick!

All right, I'm sick!

I got a new job.
It's very stressful.

It was a very difficult
time to be sick.

You calling me a liar? I
didn't mean to call you a liar.

The only thing that was making
me feel better was your cooking.

I really wanted
the spring rolls.

I will-I will make
those spring rolls.

I just didn't know where
to get the crab meat.

Well, you can get them
down by the docks

if you get there
when the boats come in.

OK. OK.
I'll do that.

Again, I'm really-
ah-choo!

Sorry.

Ooh, you didn't breathe
on any of the food, did you?

No, I was careful.

OK.

All right, sweetie.

Hey, ma!

You're not gonna believe it.

I'm doin' it.
I'm playing again.

I even got in touch
with my old coach.

He said he was gonna--

mom?

Coach wallach?

Oh, hey, kid, how you doing?

Well, you're the one who
got back in touch with him.

Be a dear and get
mommy a ginger ale.

But the finals are tomorrow.

You gotta play.

Come on, stop blubbering.

So your mother gets
around. What else is new?

Oh, the hell with you!

What, are you making
a sandwich?

What gave me away, the
bread, ham, and mustard?

Big man scores again.

Anyway, eat up.

You need your strength.
Tomorrow's a big day.

Yeah? What's so
big about it?

Why, you and I
are in the finals

against Philip and Warren.

Don't tell me you forgot?

What are you talking
about? You dumped me.

Dumped you? That
doesn't sound like me.

Wait a second. That
was Spence on the phone.

He's out, and you want
me back in, is that it?

Great. Now that we're up to
speed, let's talk strategy.

What-what would
possibly make you think

I would come back and
help you win this thing?

Why would I help you
do anything?

You're right.

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I guess when you've failed in
as many things as I have in life,

a basket of foot powder
looks like the nobel prize.

I've lost that.

And now I've probably
lost you, too.

Well, good night.

All right, I'll play.

Really?

Yeah, but you realize

we're probably not
gonna win this thing.

Just you doing this
means I've already won.

Loser! I would've been
better off with an ape.

You said you didn't
care about winning.

You're dead to me.

Same here!

Aha, sweet relief.

Heh heh heh.

Carrie!

I have your jambalaya.

Come on. And , and ,
and ! Come on!

Lift your legs!

Just leave it on the
counter there. Thanks, Hol.

Keep those elbows up.

Come on, and !
And ! And ! And !

Feel the burn.

Ah-choo!