03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some strong
language.

We were placed into witness
protection

because we saw a sh**ting.

Oh, sh*t. The g*ng, the same g*ng I
assume you used to be involved with,

have found our location.
I'm pregnant. We're having a baby.

Well, firstly I'll... I'll help you.
Of course I'll... I'll help you.

Help my baby-

Leanne, it's not the baby.
How do you know?

There is no baby. Hang on,
since when have you known this?

The night before last.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you go and tell whoever
the f*ck you work for

that I'll give you the name
for a grand?

Nah, the people I work for,
they don't really do deals.

I could have a way
we could plant the g*n on Whelan.

My friend's funeral's on Thursday
and the wake is at Whelan's.

I'll create a distraction for you
to hide the g*n.

Darling, with Sandra,
it is never over.

People are looking.
Yeah, I don't care. The baby.

I'm not pregnant, I never was.

Charlie Littlepockets is Patrick.
Get the knuckles and the Glock.

I was just about to
get off, actually.

Oh, no, no, no. You've been
drinking, I'll give you a lift.

No, no, no, no, no.

Patrick!

Oh, f*ck.

Police! Put your hands where
I can see them.

You're under arrest,
several offences.

You don't have to say anything
but anything you do say will be

written down in a little book
and read out...in court.

There you are - that...
That's the lads now.

Hands on your head,
face down on the bed.

Face down on the bed!

I'm going to search you now.

Search coming any second now.

sh*t.

What the f*ck?

It's all gone wrong,
he's taken Patrick.

Oh, sh*t.

Charlie Littlepockets, Patrick.

It's you. I

I

Don't f*ck about, son.

I know.

You've been helping them witnesses.

You're working for someone else,
trying to make a name for yourself.

I'm surprised at you, son,

because you're not stupid,
and you know what f*cking happens.

Willy, honestly, I don't know
what you're...

Charlie Littlepockets?
That's one of my bears.

Yeah? Right, I just found that bird
Patrick brought with him

in the play room.

Put a g*n on me, claimed she were
a copper then done a runner.

Clear it out.

One Pack has just found your bird
sniffing round my flat. What?!

She...

She said she was getting the bus.

Don't f*ck me about, Patrick!
What's going on?

Willy, honestly, I don't... She...

I've been seeing her a couple
of weeks, she found me on lnstagram,

she's a nursery nurse,
she plays the clarinet

and she's my girlfriend, Willy.

I've seen her fanny.

You two are in so much trouble.
Start talking now.

I'm sorry, we're sorry,
but there's g*ns,

he's got g*ns in the wardrobe
and he's got f*cking knives,

he's got crossbows...

Whoa, slow down. Who has?

Willy Whelan. What the hell do you
know about Willy Whelan?

Look, we had a plan. By the way,

% sure this is the m*rder w*apon.

Jesus Christ.

Explain.

Well, we were going to
plant in it in his bedroom

but in the wardrobe there's
this secret room

and it's just full of weapons,
just g*ns, lots of g*ns. Oh...

That's it, well done.

Who packed that fucker? Look at it.

Oh, no, not now. f*ck off, no.

The Five-O are after me.

What are they? What are they,
rappers, what? The police.

Police? Well, don't come in
here, then, you twat.

I didn't know where to...

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Right, just wait there, wait there.
f*ck's sake. My life.

Here you are, take that, all right?

I'll call you on it later, go.

Well, go, go, go, you twat, go!

Right, that's it, well done. Give us
that one, I'll have that one,

that's mine. I

All units, this is Romeo Oscar - .
I need immediate armed backup

at location, the Badger public
house. Over. What's going on?

Whelan's got a stockpile
of weapons in there,

secret room in his back bedroom.
CooL

Well, presumably we've got time for
a Costa from the garage?

It's literally two minutes that way.

So what about Charlie Littlepockets?

It's one of the bears, you saw it.

L-l-l gave it to her as a present.

You've been played, son.

We both have. I

What do you mean?

Your girlfriend is one of
the f*cking witnesses.

What? Yeah, she's used you to get to
me, I'll say this for her,

some f*cking bollocks on her.

So you're saying she's responsible?

Sorry, son.

Oh, sh*t. I

Very devious creatures, women.

They'll suss out your weaknesses,

so she's realised that you're a
big-hearted lad and you love twat.

Now, don't be too hard on yourself,
son, happens to the best of us.

Come on, now. Come on, now.

You're a good guy, Patrick.
You're a good guy, you're loyal,

smart, and brains,
not just a pair of fists.

I always got work for someone like
that, right? Don't you forget.

Right, come on,
let's f*cking get a Mr Whippy.

Police! Stand back!

Armed police!

Clear!

sh*t.

Hello, officers.

I see you've found my little
play den, then?

Guilty as charged.

It's where I bring my girls, see?

Mistresses, sex professionals,

I won't have 'em
on that marital bed,

won't have them on there
out of respect for my wife.

Do you partake, Officer?

All right, son? What's up?

Right, well, um, the good news is,

they know who
Charlie Littlepockets is.

Yeah, yeah, we know, Patrick.
It's all come out in the wash.

Turns out it were bollocks.

Right. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

That's the good news?
Where's the cash?

Don't be saying you've come here
without the cash.

Well, they jumped me, One Pack,
they jumped me.

They smacked me in the back
of the head with a w*apon...

...and left a big gaping
hole in my head. Let me see.

Agh. Get the money sorted fast.

Believe me, son,
I'm doing you a favour here, yeah?

Don't be showing your face
around here without a f*cking grand.

Now piss off. I

Where are you, you little prick?

Right, where? I

Hey, no, I'm in the field.

Right, which way?

Right... l

ii

This ain't hide-and-f*cking-seek.

Where are you?

Over here.

Oh, boy. I

Come here.

Where are we going?

We sorted you out some board
and lodgings. What do you mean?

You're going on your holidays,
Quavers.

Come on.

Can I change out of my PE kit?

Can you bollocks, son.

Right, Quavers, we're here.

This him, is it?

This is your new lodger.

He'll have to work, mind.

He'll have to work.

Good luck, Quavers.

So...

What is this?

Like a farm or...

...scrap yard or something?

This is me family.

That's me daughter Brigid,
that's me son Gurvin.

You'll be sleeping in with Gurvin.

There's no talking after lights out

or the Virgin Mary will come out of
the cupboard and whip your legs.

You all right?

Oh, no. I

Right, here's how it's going to be.
You're back in wit pro

and this time you will be
cooperating fully.

But I'd just like to point
out that the reason

we felt compelled to come up
with this plan...

It was her idea, by the way.

The reason why
we felt forced to do this was

because we were let down by the
police in the first place...

Listen, love, you two are looking
at a long list of charges -

conspiracy to pervert
the course of justice,

possession of a firearm,

assaulting a police officer.
Also her.

And I'm pretty sure you sh*t your
neighbour through the bathroom door.

Her again, pattern developing.
Leanne.

Now, I'm prepared to overlook these
indiscretions

provided you now fully cooperate
with my investigation.

You'll have to be given
new identities.

I can now tell you
a date has been set for trial -

it's the rd of this month.

So can I assume you can be trusted
to stay out of trouble until then?

You'll give evidence by video link,
you will go home

and we will never see one another
again, is that clear?

Yes.

Sorry? I can't hear you.

Yes! Good.

DC Wilton, I'd like to
request that Rhona

and I live separately from now on.

For God's sake, Leanne,
don't be such a drama queen.

That's what I'd like, please.

We're not messing about here,
Leanne.

If we go our separate ways,
that will be it. I know.

You won't be able to just text me
if there's a spider in the bath.

I know! Well, given all
that's happened, yes,

I think that would be for the best.

# I won't play these old games

# Taking risks for gold chains

# Trying to make my own fame

# Struggling in the city

# Making love just ain't fun

# When your heart's left undone

# Makes for such a sad song

# Struggling in the city

# Oh-oh, oh-oh

# Oh- h..#

Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my God!

I know this is highly unusual,
but I just wondered

if there was an any
chance of an extension?

Oh, Patrick, where does it all end?

I know, I do understand but...
There are no extensions.

# ..l won't play these old games

# Taking risks for gold chains

# Trying to make my own fame

♪ Struggling in the city... ♪

Dear Patrick.

My name is Rosemary. I'm the editor
of Vintage Bear Enthusiast.

I wondered if you'd be interested
in talking to us about your work.

Come on, come on.

Agh!

Not today! Not today!

sh*t! sh*t!

f*cking sh*t. I

Out of my way.

I'm so sorry, I'm not late.
Over an hour late, Patrick.

I know, I know. We have deadlines
for a reason, Patrick.

I'm afraid that's an a*t*matic fail.
What?!

No, no, no, no. Wait, listen.
I've had a really difficult week.

I have an -year-old mother with
a detached retina, Patrick.

You can teach me nothing of
difficult weeks. OK, sure, but...

I suggest that next time you
spend a little less

time in the pub and a little more
time in the library.

Oh, f*ck off, you twat!

What the f*ck
would you know about my life?

Julie!
I'm sorry, that was too far...

No, he's assaulted me! What?

Security!
Sorry, I just wanted to get my...

Oo-oohfl

I've soiled, Julie.

Julie, I've soiled.

Is that what you do?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

You've made a -year-old woman
soil! Are you happy?

What?
What are you doing? Get off me.

Get out! I

Consider yourself dis-enrolled.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to
get my essay in! Just...

f*cking have that.

f*cking hell.

Welcome home, son.

Here you are, boys.

He's come home.

Give him a f*cking whisky!

Oh, he's alive!

Ohh...

Dear Rosemary. Thanks for your
e-mail. I'm very flattered.

However, due to a change in
personal circumstances

I'm no longer pursuing
bear restoration.

Dear Patrick. No problem.

Sorry to hear you've
stopped your bear work.

You are clearly a very talented,
sensitive, good-hearted young man.

Goodbye and good luck.

Love, Lea...

Love, Rosemary.

All rise. I

My friend and I were
walking home...

But she wanted to
go to the shop so...

We took a detour through
the car park on Parson's Lane...

And that's when we saw him,
the gunman.

He pulled up on a
scrambler bike and...

sh*t the guy in the ice-cream van.

And can you identify the gunman from
the photographs in front of you?

Yes, he's, um, picture number two.

For the benefit of the court,

the witness has identified picture
two, the defendant,

as the gunman.

Witness B, can you hear me?

Yes, yes, I can hear you.

Do I need to do
a different voice?

No, no, there's no need for that.

OK. Or I could do ze accent
for reasons of security, oui?

Please, witness B, your own accent
will be quite sufficient, thank you.

Patrick.

I'm sorry.

Leanne didn't know anything,
it was all my fault.

We really did think she was pregnant
at first

but then I realised she wasn't and I
made her keep it up.

She didn't want to, honestly.

We need to go. Patrick!

Come on, we really need to go,
come on.

Hello, Rhona.

Thank you.

So...

Have a seat.

Do you want a cup of tea?
A coffee? An Options?

I'm pleased to tell you

that the trial resulted in a
successful conviction. Yes!

The suspect received a substantial
custodial sentence

and we have therefore been able to
review your security status...

...and I can confirm...

Yes?

...that you still qualify for
witness protection. What?!

El

Well, this is absolutely scandalous.

You said the trial would be the end
of this. I didn't figure on you

breaking into the
g*ng-leader's house

and poking around his weapons stash.

So...what does this mean?

It means you'll need to continue
living in witness protection

until we're confident
that you're no longer at risk.

Oh, bums. I

Never rains but it pours.

Right, f*ck it,
I don't care, I'm going home.

I want to go and hug my mum

and argue with my dad
about immigration.

You'd be putting your family
in grave danger.

Look, the situation will continually
be under review.

Every six months.

OK, well, thanks for letting me
know.

Have you, um, told Rhona about this?

Yeah.

How'd she take it?

Oh, you know? Similar to you.

Good luck, Leanne.

Have you seen it? Mm?

And that is every branch
in the south-west. Oh, my God.

f*cking stop now,
you've gotta pull him forward

so I can get my f*cking arms out.
Snap it back.

You dirty little bastard!