24x00 - Post COVID

[bunniefuu]

And now.. A Paramount plus
made for TV movie.

"It's not a movie...
It's a made-for-TV movie."

♪♪

NARRATOR: From the
green hills of Vermont

to the verdant canyons of Arizona,

people all over the country
are beginning to realize

it's nearly over!

We have almost beaten COVID
and the best news of all:

things are finally
getting back to normal!

Infections are at an all-time low.

New, stronger vaccinations
have ebbed the tide.

And we humans are cleaning up the mess

and finally getting on with our lives.

But as we start to get back
to our jobs and schools,

one question remains:

What lingering effects will
the pandemic have on children?

Some say no effect at all.
The children are just fine.

- [CHIMING]
- We came together

and finally we can say,
we are starting to

- win the w*r against COVID.
- WOMAN: Stan?

Stan, the phone's for you!

Stan!

What?!

Could you not hear me?

Yeah, dude, but I'm busy working.

Working on getting drunk again.

I'm not "getting drunk,"

I'm an online whiskey consultant.

I'm doing research.

Everyone needs to leave me alone.

The guy on the phone
said it's important.

He said his name is Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle?

- Hello?
- KYLE: Oh, hi.

Is this Stan Marsh, from South Park?

- Kyle?
- Oh, dude, it is you!

How have you... How have you been?

I'm... fine. How are you?

I'm good, I'm...

I know this is weird. We
haven't talked since...

well, you know, since it all happened.

Yeah, well, the pandemic
is about over now.

I'm moving on with my life.

Stan... you should come back here.

There's a lot going on.

There's nothing in
South Park for me, Kyle!

I'm not going back there, ever.

Look, dude, you remember
when we were little?

When the pandemic... first started.

Us friends said we'd always be there

for each other when things got bad.

What do you mean? What's happened?

Stan...

It's Kenny. He's dead.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Live from the Moderna Center
in downtown New York,

it's Late Night With Jimmy!

Tonight's guest, First
Lady Tom Kardashian!

And now here he is, the
king of woke comedy, Jimmy!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wow.

Wow, what a terrific audience.

What a fantastic audience, wow.

[CHEERING QUIETS]

Geez, what's the deal
with these Mexicans, huh?

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, they have fabulous food,

their country has amazing beaches,

and they're really fantastic people.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Wow, what a great audience.

You know, today I was on the subway

and I saw an ad for
the Center for People

Who Identify as h*m*
But Were Born Bi.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

I'll tell you one thing...

Those people are brave and deserve

- every ounce of our respect.
- [CHEERING]

S-Stick around.

First Lady Tom Kardashian is here.

We'll be right back!

[BAND PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Jimmy, we got a call from corporate.

They want you to cut the hummus joke.

What?!

It's hard enough doing
comedy these days.

Now I'm getting notes
during commercial breaks?!

You're just gonna have to
joke about something else.

All right, fine, what else is
going on in the news? Quick!

Uh, Amazon thinks they might
have discovered gold on Mars.

Ah, Jesus. Anything else?

Uh, that famous
eccentric scientist d*ed.

The millionaire philanthropist?
Dr. McCormick?

Kenny? Kenny's dead?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you know him?

We were friends when we
were kids. Let me see that!

ANNOUNCER: "Very
mysterious circumstances."

That's what doctors are saying about

the death of beloved scientist

and humanitarian, Dr. Kenny McCormick.

McCormick was a pioneer
of science and technology

who was always trying to unlock
the key to a better future.

He worked tirelessly...
Some say balls-out crazily...

On new inventions and theories

but somehow his biggest
questions seemed to elude him.

The head of NASA said, "We have lost

"an innovator and a visionary.

"Kenny was so brilliant
that most of the time,

we couldn't even understand
what he was saying."

Get me a first-class
ticket to South Park!

What? You can't leave! You
have to get back onstage!

The first lady is here!

Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my...

P-P-Popsicles that
are in the green room,

and that I am very sorry,

and that he is a fantastic person.

_

WOMAN: Stan?

Stan, wake up, I think we're here.

So that's it, huh?

- That's the town you grew up in?
- STAN: Yeah.

Well, how does it feel to be
back after all these years?

It feels shitty, okay? Can
you please shut the f*ck up?

Why did you even bring me
along if you're not going

to let me help you through this?!

Alexa, stop!

["STIR IT UP" BY PATTI LABELLE PLAYING]

[BEEPS]

♪♪

♪ I can't sit here while I go nowhere ♪

♪ Chase my dreams
through the polluted air ♪

♪ Walking on a wire ♪

♪ Running out of time ♪

♪ There's no room in
this ol' heart of mine ♪

♪ So much pressure to keep holdin' on ♪

♪ Pack my clothes up,
baby, I'll be gone ♪

♪ Stir it up, I've got
to break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can't wait to ♪

♪ Stir it up ♪

♪ Got to shake it up now ♪

♪ If I have to beg or borrow ♪

♪ I don't wanna ♪

♪ Take it anymore ♪

♪ Got to break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can't wait to stir it up ♪

MALE VOICE: Come on in and
let your taste buds soar!

Denny's is now Denny's Applebee's Max.

Come taste the difference.

[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

- Hey, dude.
- Hey, dude.

Wow. This is crazy, huh?

I mean, how long has it been?

I guess... since we were nine.

Well, have a seat.

What have you been up to?

Oh, dude, just all kinds of stuff.

You know, getting stuff going.

Got my own online
whiskey consultant gig.

I'm totally happy. What about you?

Oh, I'm getting things going, too.

I'm doing a sort of counseling
online start-up thing.

Really doing great, too.

- Sweet.
- Listen, Stan...

I know that we disagreed
a lot during the pandemic,

but I hope we can put that aside...

Dude, Kyle, I'm just here for Kenny.

All right, well,

there's something you should
know about the way Kenny d*ed.

Hi, guys, welcome to
Denny's Applebee's Max.

I see you got your menus already.

As you're deciding what to order,

I just want to go over a couple things.

Now, of course, it is the future

so we don't have any meat on the menu.

'Cause you know, here in the future,

we've all decided meat is wrong.

Yeah, we know.

Okay, and, uh, you'll see there's

some dishes made from
insect protein on the menu.

That, of course, is
because here in the future,

we've all learned that insects
are a valuable and sustainable

food and we no longer
fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.

We know, dude.

Okay, well, if you have any
questions, please don't hesitate

to say anything, because,
you know, it's the future.

We've learned to all just
get along and love each other.

Look, Stan, Kenny was trying to find

the answers to some pretty heavy stuff.

He felt like there
were people responsible

for everything that's happened.

Like who?

That's just it. Nobody knows.
But whoever these people are,

they didn't want Kenny
McCormick exposing them.

Wait a minute. Token?

Yeah, it's me.

Just before he d*ed,
Kenny was texting me

that he was on to something huge.

And he was texting me, too.

Saying he'd discovered something that
could change the world.

And then he d*ed,

and the hospital won't say how.

And that got us thinking...

Oh, my God. They k*lled Kenny.

I'm just here for the funeral.

I don't want to be
a part of anything else.

Dude, there might be people to blame

for ruining our childhoods.

So what do you wanna do, Kyle?

Go on some bullshit adventure
like when we were kids?

Maybe, maybe we can call Jesus and Santa

and ask them for help.
Is that what you want?

It's the f*cking future,
you guys. Grow up.

Hello, welcome to
the Super Motel Plus.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, Stan Marsh.

I have a room for one night.

Okay, I see you're in one of
our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms.

Now, of course, we only take Bitcoin

and other cryptocurrency 'cause,

you know, it's the future.

We've all decided
centralized banking is rigged,

so we trust more in
fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.

Yeah, I know.

So you walked out on
all your friends and then

just hung out at a bar all day?

Alexa, f*cking just go
throw yourself out a window.

I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.

Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.

Oh, God, you are such a piece of sh*t.

You know, if you had
Remote Prime membership,

you could watch Amazon
movies wherever you go.

Would you like to get started?

- No.
- I'm sorry.

I'm trying to be f*cking helpful.

Why don't you grow up and
start acting like an adult

for once in your life...

Alexa, stop!

f*ck you!

[NEWS THEME VOLUME INCREASES]

Jon, I'm standing outside
the South Park Flash Rail Max,

where hundreds of people are coming to

pay their respects to
Dr. Kenny McCormick.

There's still no word from the hospital

on what exactly k*lled Kenny McCormick,

but letters sent to
multiple news outlets reveal

that he might have known
his life was in danger.

Dr. McCormick said, "I am
about to expose the truth.

"In the event of my
death I have hidden away

"all relevant information.

My closest friends will
know where to find it."

Dr. Kenneth McCormick.

He wanted to make the
future a better place.

Too bad he d*ed, 'cause
the future certainly sucks.

♪♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

♪ Someone's at the door ♪

♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ It's the future so doorbells sing ♪

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so you were right.

Kenny was on to some bad people

and he hid something for us to find.

Yeah, I saw. Only problem is

I don't know what he's talking about.

But thank you for saying I was right.

You're welcome. It doesn't
mean that you were right

about everything during the pandemic.

- Because you weren't.
- Okay, well, obviously

we're never going to
agree on certain things,

so we shouldn't talk about them.

Sounds good. So let's go to Kenny's wake

and see if anyone else shows up

who might know what
Kenny's talking about.

Let's do that.

_

Hello. Testing. Hey, everybody.

It's amazing to see you
all here for Kenny's wake.

Wow, what a great audience.

Uh, for those of you who don't know,

my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh,

I had to take an Asian
airline to get here today.

You know what they say
about Asian airlines...

They're dependable and just as efficient

as any other competent airline.

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

What a terrific audience.

So many people have
come for Kenny today...

So many amazing friends
I haven't seen in ages.

You know, I had a friend once
who was a Polish hair stylist.

Talk about an amazing haircut
at an affordable price.

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

Well, I know that we're all ready

to talk to each other and
share our memories of Kenny.

So please just have
fun and we'll see you

- at the funeral tomorrow.
- [APPLAUSE]

[ELECTRONIC DRUMBEAT PLAYING]

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are all living in the future ♪

♪ We are all in the future... ♪

Stan?

- Stan Marsh?
- Yeah?

Hi. It's Wendy.

Wendy Testaburger, wow.

Yeah. My husband, Darwin.

Hey, pal, how are ya?

Hey, guys. It's Tweek and Craig.

Oh, hey. How are you guys?

We're good.

[STRAINING]: I have a lot of anxiety

being back with all these people!

Wendy's told me a lot about you, Stan.

How's everything with the family?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go get, uh, drunk.

- What's wrong with Stan?
- We're just...

trying to find out
what happened to Kenny.

I think this goes deeper
than you guys realize.

Hey, Stan Marsh! Good to see you.

It's me, Clyde Donovan.

Oh, hey, Clyde.

What have you been doing
during the pandemic?

Oh, you know, lots of stuff.

Yeah, me, too. Sucks about Kenny, huh?

Hope they find all the information

on that thing he hid.

You know where he might have hid it?

No, I don't. But I
bet someone here does.

It's really great to see you guys again.

These past few decades
have been really tough.

Yeah, sometimes I think
the pandemic really aged me.

Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?

- Dude, he's here.
- Who's here?

- Cartman?
- Yeah, but he's changed.

Changed how?

Yes, I know, it's been a long time

since we've seen each other.

I'm doing really well.

I'm actually the head
of Gespetzah Synagogue

down in Colorado Springs.

Can you believe it? I'm a rabbi.

Yeah, you know, when the
whole pandemic happened,

I think it changed me.

It really changed me for the better.

- It did?
- No.

- He's f*cking with me.
- What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get it, the Eric Cartman
you guys knew

didn't seem like he'd become a rabbi.

But I found real meaning in the Torah

and then I found
a great Jewish woman and...

let the spirit of the
Talmud guide our lives.

Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.

- Dude.
- Wow, that's very big of you, Kyle.

Still living in South Park and
calling people fat-ass, huh?

Wait, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

It's not f*cking funny, Cartman!

Stop pretending you
have a happy Jewish life!

Hey, shoogina! I'm sorry, I couldn't

wait in the car anymore;
I had to meet your friends.

Oh, that's okay. Guys,
this is my wife, Yentl.

I've heard so many
stories about you all.

It must have been amazing to grow up

in these beautiful mountains!

Yentl? Her name is Yentl?

Can we f*cking stop this and
talk about Kenny, please?!

- Oh, is that, uh...?
- Yeah, that's-that's Kyle, yeah.

I'm sorry, honey, can you
just give me a couple minutes?

I just need a few more seconds with them

and I'll be right out to the car.

Oh, okay, I get it.

Nice to meet you guys.

We'll see you at the funeral, I guess.

And I'm very sorry for your loss.

Bye, Mrs. Cartman.

Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I
were still really good friends.

He used to email me all the
time about stuff he was doing.

Yeah, me, too!

Well, so then maybe he also

told you that he was trying to find

the origin of the coronavirus.

What are you talking about?

Kenny was obsessed with how
corona first got started.

He was clearly on to
something, and then he d*ed.

I know we all want
to solve this for him.

You know, in the Torah, when Abraham

first heard the word of God...

Just knock it off! You don't believe

a word of that sh*t.
You're just doing all this

to get a rise out of me.

Kyle, you really think

I would spend years of my life

just to get a rise out of you?

- Yes, I do!
- Same ol' Kyle.

Well, I got to go, guys.

I'll see you at Kenny's
funeral tomorrow.

Maybe he's really changed.

No. He is f*cking with me.

INTERVIEWER [ON TV]:
Sometimes I feel like

things weren't supposed to be like this.

Like maybe there are
others in control of the way

it all turned out.

Is that what you're
saying, Dr. McCormick?

Are you saying that there
are other people responsible?

I guess what I'm trying to
say, Dr. McCormick, is...

your theories seem to point to
some kind of people with power.

Let me put it another way...
We've all seen the pictures

of you working in
Egypt, lecturing at MIT.

And you always seem to
come back to this concept

of this mysterious
organization who is to blame.

- Let me put it yet another way...
- Hang on a second.

What was that? Alexa, freeze the video.

- What?
- Freeze video

and reverse playback ten seconds.

Stop there.

Enhance image %.

Ugh. Whatever.

[BEEPS, WHIRS]

Shift right ten frames.

[BEEPS, WHIRS]

Enhance.

[BEEPS, WHIRS]

ALEXA: Tegridy Weed?

Isn't that your dad's
old marijuana company?

Oh, sh*t.

♪♪

Hi. Welcome. Welcome, my friends.

So blessed to have you here.

Hello, my child, thank you for coming.

- Yeah, sure.
- Wait, Stan?

Stan Marsh?

Praise be! I haven't seen you in ages!

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Well, sure, it's me!

Scott Malkinson! Remember me?

- Uh, no, sorry.
- I hung out with you guys

all the time when we were little.

I was the kid with the lisp.

- Who had diabetes?
- Oh, yeah, sure...

Great to see you again.

Hey, guys. Great to see you in church.

- It's Scott Malkinson.
- Who?

Scott Malkinson, I went
to school with you guys?

Oh, okay.

Hello. Welcome. Hey!
It's me! Scott Malkinson!

With the diabetes. No?

Kenny McCormick was
a cherished son, a wise man,

and a wonderful friend.

Kenny touched all of our lives and made

each and every one of
us laugh, cry and ponder.

And in his death,

now we can reflect on our own lives.

Are we happy?

Are we the person we hoped to be?

Have we, like Kenny,
given all that we can

to forgive those around us?

For life is short,

and our family and
friends must be cherished.

You know, in many ways,
death is like diabetes.

You spend your whole life
trying to fight it off

but ultimately it just wins.

And so let's take the time now
to reach out to our friends.

To reach out to our family.

To tell our mothers and
our fathers that we...

All right! All right! Who
the f*ck put you up to this?

Did you write this g*dd*mn speech, Kyle?

Did you tell him to say all this stuff?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You know that I know
something about Kenny

that I'm not telling you
because it involves my father,

who I don't want to face!

That's crazy and you'd be
able to face what happened

to your family if you
weren't a f*cking assh*le!

Guys, please, this is a house of God.

You shut the f*ck up!

You judge me, you all
sit here and judge me.

Well, f*ck all of you!

This is exactly why I moved
out of this hick-ass town!

And I am going back home to the city!

My child, please, we
are gathered in Christ...

[MOCKINGLY]: My child, please,
we are gathered in Christ.

I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes.

He does remember me!

Alexa, start the car!

Start the car? Where are you going?

I need to stop at a store
and then we're going home.

What about the connection you just found

between Kenny and your father?

Alexa, find the nearest liquor store.

Oh, you wanna get drunk?

Let me guess... someone said
something you didn't like

and it made you want
to pound beer and wine?

It's not "pounding beer and wine."

I drop wine sh*ts into the beer.

It's called a "smorgasvein"
and it's very cultural!

Stop acting like a child and
support your dead friend, Stan!

- You don't even have any...
- Alexa, stop!

[CAR BEEPS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Thank you. Thank you, Father.

Hello, everyone.
My name is Rabbi Cartman

and I was Kenny McCormick's
very, very best friend.

Kenny was not a Jew, but he had so many

amazing Jewish qualities.

Qualities that I see in my loving wife

and my amazing kids,
that are right over there.

Over there by Kyle.

And as we all return now to our homes

and our lives, I think
that... A lot like Abraham...

- Let's not forget that...
- Excuse me. Everyone?

Hello?

Everyone, can I have
your attention, please?

We got results from the PNR
scan of Dr. McCormick's remains

and we now know the cause of his death.

Now we all need to stay calm.

There is no reason to panic, but...

Kenny d*ed of COVID.

It's a new variant.

The COVID Delta Plus
Rewards Program variant.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Everyone, please!

We cannot panic!

[ALL SCREAMING AND CLAMORING]

[WHOOSHING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

That's it! We're all
out of chin diapers!

Oh, God, we're all out of chin diapers!

[FRANTIC GROANING]

Zoom...

Come on, come on,
come on! Remote learning!

Come on, come on, come on!

[HORNS HONKING]

Alexa, what's going on?

ALEXA: There's some kind
of road closure ahead.

Set up a perimeter! I want
all exit points sealed.

People of South Park,

there is an outbreak of
COVID in your community.

You are being quarantined.

Hey, dude! I don't live
here. I need to get home!

Nobody is going in or out.

We have confirmation that
one person in this community

has never been vaccinated against COVID,

so we must quarantine everyone.

One person?! Well, who is it?!

We are not allowed to say.

But if you tell us who
the unvaccinated person is,

we can have them vaccinated
and then this will all be over!

We can't tell you who it is
because, in case you forgot,

it's the future, and we don't
single out or ridicule anyone

for their personal beliefs.

Gah! I hate the future!

What does this mean?

Yeah, what's it mean, Daddy?

I think it means...

we're all stuck in South Park.

[BUSY CHATTER]

- [GROANS]
- Okay, there we go.

We'll get back with the results.

Maintain six feet social distance
and stay indoors. Thank you.

Next, please!

Yeah, listen, I have to get out of here.

Yes, don't we all.

No, no, no, I don't belong here

and I don't have anywhere to stay.

They've shut down all the motels.

Do you have any friends or
family that you can stay with?

No, these people are not my friends

and I have no family here.

- Oka... [GROANS]
- It's okay.

They've set up an emergency shelter

for all the people who
were here from out of town.

Where?

_

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

PC PRINCIPAL: All right,
everyone, listen up.

No way.

Welcome to South Park Elementary.

We want to help you all be
as comfortable as possible.

So we will have quiet
time from : p.m.

to : a.m. every day.
I don't want to hear

any f*cking gender-specific
language in here.

And if anybody here
casts a movie with someone

other than the culture
that that movie is about,

you are f*cking out of here!

All right, thank you. It
is now : . Lights out.

♪♪

It's been a long time since I've prayed.

I don't know if anyone can hear me...

but we all really need help right now.

I know in my heart that
Kenny didn't just die

of some new COVID variant.

I know there's something
way bigger going on.

But it all seems like
so much to take on.

Please, if there's anyone who could

help see me through this,
it would be a miracle.

[WATER SPLASHES]

♪♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

♪ Someone's at the door ♪

- [GROANS]
- ♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ Apparently in the future ♪

♪ All doorbells sing, sing, sing ♪

Yeah, I f*cking know, g*dd*mn it!

Hey, Kyle. Oh, man, this is crazy, huh?

The school is all filled up
and the motels are shut down.

I was, I was just hoping
maybe we could crash here.

Look, I, uh, I don't
think that's gonna work.

I figured Stan is probably
staying with you, too?

No. No, he's not.

Oh, great! Then you
have some extra rooms.

- We're gonna be okay, kids!
- KIDS: Yay!

No, no, Cartman, I'm sure there are

some other places you can stay.

My family would be really comfortable

in a nice Jewish home.
Please, Kyle, for my kids.

We promise we'll be good, Uncle Kyle.

Please, Uncle Kyle?

Please, Uncle Kyle?

I can't believe this.

Come on, kids! Oh, bless you, Kyle.

Don't worry, I'll put them right to bed.

You won't even know we're here.

Toda raba, Uncle Kyle.

That's Hebrew for "thank you."

[QUIET CHATTER]

Guys, doesn't this all seem
a little too convenient?

What do you mean?

I mean that Kenny's death is suspicious,

he talks about people to blame and then

he suddenly dies of
some new COVID variant?

You think it's a cover, Token?

I think it's definitely suspicious.

Speaking of suspicious, what
do you call a trans woman

that walks into an abortion clinic?

Her name is Rebecca and
she's a fantastic person.

Just seems all nice and
buttoned up, doesn't it?

It's a perfect cause of
death and anyone who's trying

to sort it out is quarantined

because one person isn't vaccinated?

It's true... who wouldn't
be vaccinated by now?

I'm certainly vaccinated.

- Yeah, I'm vaccinated.
- Me, too.

We're all vaccinated.

Yeah, I mean, I-I think
it's a personal choice.

What does that mean? Are
you vaccinated, Clyde?

I'm... immunized.

He's not f*cking vaccinated!

He's the f*cking one!

Hey, I just, I just

need to see the research
first, you know.

It's been years, Clyde.
That's enough research!

Alexa, set an alarm for : a.m.

Alexa, set an alarm for : a.m.

Why don't you go talk to your father?

g*dd*mn it.

If there's some kind of connection

with your dad's farm that
can help everyone figure out

what's going on, then
you need to talk to him.

Can I just go to sleep, please?

Oh, poor you! Poor you!

Stop being a f*cking victim.
At least you get to go out

and do stuff. What do I get to do?

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
- Oh, okay, great.

You're sorry, again.

By the way, I can tell you

about some great deals
on headphones at Best Buy.

Would you like to know more?

- Sure, yes, tell me more.
- Okay.

The Mark VII headphones have
a new edition coming out.

Should I add that to your shopping list?

[SIGHS] Yes, sure, add
them to my shopping list.

Okay. I'll add Mark VII headphones

from Best Buy to your shopping list.

- [YENTL MOANING]
- CARTMAN: Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you like that? Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, you like how Abraham
trusted in the one true God?!

- [MOANING CONTINUES]
- Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!

g*dd*mn it!

[MOANING]

CARTMAN: Oh. Shh, shh.
Hang on, honey. Hang on.

Yeah, yeah, what's up, buddy?

What's up is that I am over this!

What are, what are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about!

You know I can hear
you through the walls!

Okay, geez, I'm sorry.

Sorry I was making love to my wife.

No Jewish people have sex

screaming about their love of Abraham!

You are a f*cking fraud!

Is everything all right?

Do you know that your husband once snuck

in my room and gave me f*cking AIDS?!

- I'm sorry?!
- Oh, my God, Kyle!

If we are being too loud,
please don't lash out at my wife!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I don't know what to say.

Mom, Dad, is everything okay?

It's all right, kids. Go back to bed.

Kyle, obviously you have
a problem with us being here.

I promise you that we will be
gone first thing in the morning.

That's probably best!

[RHYTHMIC RATTLING]

- YENTL: Oh, yeah.
- CARTMAN: Oh, yeah!

- YENTL: Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham

- almost sacrificed his only son?!
- Oh, yeah!

- [MOANS]
- CARTMAN: Yeah!

_

Sir! Sir, the townspeople are demanding

to know when the quarantine will end.

It'll end when we get the
order that everything is safe.

But, sir, the people inside
are running out of supplies.

They're saying they
don't have nearly enough

chin diapers and people
are starting to fight.

I have strict orders not to let
anything in or out of this town.

They'll just have to make do
the best they can in there.

Hopefully they can maintain
some sense of humanity.

SOLDIER: We got a runner!

Another one trying to get out!

Please!

I just need to go to a sporting event!

[g*nsh*t]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[BUSY CHATTER]

[YAWNS]

Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we
talk to you for a second?

Sure, what's up?

Look, Clyde, we all really respect

your personal p-p-preferences.

But we have things we
really need to get back to.

We've got jobs a-and
careers, people who need us.

B-But we're being forced to stay here.

So could you maybe just...
Just get vaccinated real quick?

Oh. Um...

Nah. I don't wanna.

[ALL GROANING]

Look, I'm sorry, guys.
It's for health reasons.

I can't get vaccinated 'cause
I'm allergic to shellfish.

Clyde, there's no shellfish
in the COVID vaccine.

I know, but I read that sometimes

in the lab where the vaccine is made,

if somebody ate shellfish,

then it can get cross-contaminated

and have leftover
residual shellfish-ness.

So you're saying you won't
take the COVID vaccine

out of shellfish-ness.

Yes, that is correct.

Just a general sense of shellfish-ness.

Everyone, you better
come check this out.

Look at this.

CRAIG: The McCormick Science Wing

at South Park Elementary.

Yeah, so? I read about this.

Kenny donated tons of money

to build a science
center for the students.

Yeah, for the students.

So why does it have a lock on it?

♪♪

[BANGING]

[CHAIN RATTLES]

WENDY: This must be where Kenny
was doing all his research.

He didn't want to be found,
so he used the school as cover.

Uh, guys, why is there blood everywhere?

Everybody see what you can find.

There's got to be a clue
here of who k*lled Kenny.

[ELECTRONIC DRUMBEAT PLAYING]

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are living in the future ♪

♪ We are all in the future ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

MALE VOICE: And we are the
fastest growing retirement home

in Park County.

With our newest tower,

we can now house over
, old people.

'Cause in the future you're
old for a long, long time.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, GRUMBLING]

[PAINED GROANING]

Can I help you?

My name is Stan Marsh. I came to...

visit my dad.

[KNOCKING]

Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh, guess what.

Your son is here.

I don't have a son.

Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh,
don't be a grumpy pants.

You tell that piece of
sh*t that if he wants to

talk to me, he can write an email.

Tell that little p*ssy
if I had any grandkids,

maybe I wouldn't be so bitter

at having such a little bitch for a son!

- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Stan.

I'll leave you two alone.

So, looks like the Broncos still suck.

Yup.

Well, it was nice seeing ya.

Thanks for coming to visit.

I didn't come to visit.

Trust me, I don't want to be here.

Right, like you didn't
want to m*rder your sister.

What happened to Shelley
was your fault, not mine!

Yeah, like it was my fault
your mom sh*t herself!

Yes, it actually was!

Your mom d*ed the day her
daughter b*rned to death!

I'm just here because of Kenny.

Why would he have Tegridy
Weed in his equations?

Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?

It seemed to somehow fit
into some grand theory he had.

He knew. He knew it was
the way to fix it all.

He knew... about the Pandemic Special.

But, Mom, why do we have to leave?

It's not safe outside!

We aren't welcome here, children.

We have to find another place to stay.

Oh, no, this is just
like when our people were

exiled from the Holy Lands.

Mrs. Cartman, can I talk to you, please?

- Uncle Kyle!
- Uncle Kyle,

why are you making us go? Why?

Is it 'cause we're Jews?

Mrs. Cartman, I'm sorry for last night.

I was just... tired and it was
extremely inappropriate of me.

BOTH: Dad!

I think Uncle Kyle
is gonna let us stay, Papa!

Uh, no, kids, I'm sorry, but we
can't stay here with Uncle Kyle.

Please stay. I am asking you to stay.

Can we, Dad? We'll be good, we promise!

You little ones are always good.

♪ Mik-helm, Mik-helm,
mit cloiska pudding ♪

♪ Vil plotz vit laughter, too ♪

Stop it!

♪ Someone is at the door! ♪

- ♪ Yeah! This is the doorbell! ♪
- [YELLS]

♪ It is the future! ♪

They k*lled Kenny...

because he was trying to stop it.

Stop what?

We found Kenny's lab.

All of his confidential work
and his wild experiments.

Kenny wasn't just trying to find
the source of the coronavirus.

He was trying to go back in time,

and stop the pandemic
from ever happening.

♪♪

[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Okay, old people.

It's : . You know what that means.

It's share time!

[ALL GRUMBLING]

Who has something that
they want to share?

Mr. Garrison?

I'd like to share my d*ck in your mouth.

M'kay.

Okay, guys, let's settle down.

Look, I know sharing feelings is
hard during this time of crisis.

Is anyone feeling nervous
about the new COVID outbreak?

[GRUMBLING]

We don't want you to
worry, because, you know,

it's the future... We
all do everything we can

to make sure old people don't die.

[ALL GROANING]

Okay, if nobody else wants to go first,

Randy Marsh had a little visitor today

and he'd like to share
that with all of you.

Uh, hey, everyone. I had
a special visitor today.

My "son."

Who hasn't come to see
me in over years.

And I have some things
I need to tell him

but it's hard because...

he k*lled his mom and his sister.

Okay, okay, here's what happened.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

After the pandemic,
my mom wanted a divorce

and she owned half of the farm.

She didn't own half,
she always hated weed,

and she didn't do sh*t for the farm.

He wouldn't give her half
the farm, so I got sick

of their fighting and decided to burn

the whole stupid farm to the ground.

And his sister was in the
barn and she b*rned to death.

Because you locked her in
the barn 'cause she wouldn't

do her weed chores 'cause
she hated weed, too!

Yes, she had a marijuana problem.

And so his mother couldn't take the loss

of Shelley and so she k*lled herself!

Which is your fault.

You were the one who

b*rned the family
business to the ground.

You guys are hearing this, right?

So, Kenny spends years
researching time travel,

then suddenly Kenny dies,

and all his fellow
scientists go missing.

Just leaving behind a trail of blood.

Seems like all of the
scientists were m*rder*d

so that nobody could
complete Kenny's work.

All of them except one.

In almost all this research,

one name keeps popping up:
Victor Chouce.

It appears that Chouce
was Kenny's right-hand man.

But he was insane.

He's been locked up for years
inside a mental institution.

Oh, come on. Now we're
gonna start talking

to certifiably crazy people?

Crazy or not, we find this Victor Chouce

and we find where Kenny
hid the information.

_

[CRAZED CHATTER AND WAILING]

WARDEN [ECHOES]: Yes.

Yes, that is correct.

Victor Chouce is one
of our patients here.

What is the nature of your inquiry?

We have reason to
believe that Victor Chouce

can answer questions
regarding our friend's death.

Could you put him on the line please?

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Victor is too unstable for
phone calls. They confuse him.

Well, can we come talk
to him in person then?

Yes, I believe that could be arranged.

As long as the proper protocols are met.

Is everyone in your party vaccinated?

No.

Well, then I'm afraid we can't allow you

into our facility.

But-but we have to talk
to him! It's urgent!

What'd they say?

They're not gonna let us see him!

It's some kind of g*dd*mn conspiracy!

[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Listen to me, it's very simple.

I need to take my dad out of here.

He has to come with me.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Senior citizens are in
here to keep them safe.

You know, it's the future...
We can't let old people die.

- I told you, stupid.
- Shut up, Dad.

Look, there's a chance we can
help fight this new variant.

I just need him out for a couple hours

so we can get something important.

Well, why don't you just go get it?

Because he won't tell
me where it is because

- he doesn't trust me.
- Because he k*lled his mom.

Look, I'm sorry, but this is the future.

Nothing is more important
than keeping old people alive.

What if you took him out
there and, God forbid,

he crapped his pants?

And then slipped on
the old people diarrhea

and hit his head?

We'd have to shut down
the entire country,

for Christ's sake.

Well, I guess that's it.

Only one way out now.

Kick him in the balls, Stan!

- What?!
- Kick him in the balls!

- Come on, hurry!
- Get your hands off of me!

- Dad!
- g*dd*mn it, Stan,

kick his f*cking balls so we can go!

- f*ck!
- [GROANS]

Okay, grab his keys! Grab
his keys, you stupid ass!

[ALERT BEEPING]

FEMALE VOICE: Warning.
Warning. Old person has escaped.

Old person has escaped. Warning.

[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]

- _
- [ALARM BLARING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

All of these documents
we found in Kenny's lab

referred to possible
origins of the coronavirus.

He wanted to go back and stop it.

But to stop it, he had to
figure out how to bend time.

Exactly. There's notes...
Years and years of research

that Kenny compiled...

All on the possibilities of time travel.

CARTMAN [GIGGLING]: You silly girl.

You, yes. Who's a little mister, yes.

Who's a little hetzpah?

Who's my little meshugana?

Excuse me!

Geez, sorry, Kyle.

Kenny was researching
the nature of space-time

to see if some kind of
bending was possible.

But then suddenly, all the
research just gets cut off.

Because whoever made the pandemic happen

k*lled Kenny before he
could go back and stop it.

CARTMAN [GIGGLING]: Silly girl. Yes.

Will you please knock it off?!

What's the problem, Kyle?

You know what you're doing, fat-ass!

g*dd*mn it, why don't you lay
off my f*ckin' dad, Uncle Kyle!

Moisha! He's never
talked like that before.

I'm sorry, Mom. It's just...

Uncle Kyle, he makes me so crazy!

That is not okay, Moisha.

But it's true, Dad. Uncle
Kyle makes me crazy, too!

- [SCOFFS] Menorah!
- f*ck you, Kyle.

[GASPS] Hackelm!

You guys, listen. In Kenny's work

he talks about where he would
hide important information.

He says his friends will
always know where to look

if they just think like kids again.

Think like kids again...

I know where Kenny hid
what we're looking for.

It's up his ass.

Who's the broad?

That's just my Alexa.

That's the best you could do, huh?

Is it even the new one?

- Excuse me?
- Just ignore him.

Okay, fine, there's
a new upgrade available

for your Amazon Prime membership.

Would you like to know more?

Not now, please.

Okay, so I guess just f*ck me, then?

Uh-huh.

[CAR BEEPS]

♪♪

This was once such a magical place.

Can we just get this over with?

I don't want to be here.

You think I want to be here?

This is where I lost
everything that I cared about!

And your mom and your sister!

Dad, there's nothing here.

Dad?

I think I can trust you now, Stan.

It's time for you to learn what
your friend Kenny was after.

When the pandemic started,
you were only a kid.

You don't remember the
pain we all went through.

Yeah, I do.

We as Americans went through so much.

First, that incompetent
jack-hole was elected president.

Then the pandemic came,
and then the race wars.

And then just when it seemed
like we'd turned a corner,

Space Jam came out, and
we all just kind of gave up.

What we lost, Stan, was our Tegridy.

But it was all by design.

They needed us to lose it.

Who did?

Who would want us to lose our optimism

and start fighting with each other?

China.

- China?
- China.

They're the superpower now.

The future is totally
theirs and we let it happen.

A man in China had sex with a pangolin

and that started COVID. That man was me.

So I knew how to go back

and stop them from taking over...

Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

You started COVID?

Yes, but that's besides the point.

China used me like they used us all.

So I came up with a way to
help everyone fight back.

A special Tegridy weed.

You had sex with a pangolin

in China and started
the whole pandemic?!

Will you listen to what I'm saying?!

Gal! I worked to create more Tegridy,

but China did everything
they could to stop me.

They even got to my son.

Who b*rned all of Tegridy
Farms to the ground.

But what you didn't even know

was that I had secretly
created a new strain of weed.

A weed so powerful, I couldn't
even call it a special.

It was more like an event.

I hid it away all these years.

And now it... is
the key to saving us all.

[WHIRRING]

- Where the f*ck is it?
- What?

The Tegridy Weed Special
Event! Where the f*ck is it?!

I don't know, Dad!

They got it. They took it!

There's even fresh
footprints on the ground!

Oh, Jesus!

So maybe it wasn't the Chinese.

Yeah, no, it was definitely
the Chinese. Oh, God.

That was it! That was the
very last bit of Tegridy!

The only other thing I had
were some seeds that I hid

up my ass, but they took them
from me at the old folks home!

Wait a minute. What did you say?

I said they took them from
me at the old folks home.

No, before that.

Oh. I said I hid 'em up my ass.

Jesus. It's so simple.
How did we not get it?

Alexa, start the car!

There's no point now, son!

It's all gone.

It's all lost. All lost.

VOICE [WHISPERING]: Randy.

Randy.

Ah...?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

"Un-cle Kyle."

"Uncle Kyle." Say it, Hackelm.

- "Uncle Kyle."
- f*ck you, Kyle.

No, no, no. "Uncle Kyle."

f*ck you, Kyle.

CARTMAN: Oh, my gosh, no.

We're so sorry about this.

CARTMAN: Hackelm, say "Uncle."

"Uncle. Uncle Kyle."

f*ck you, Uncle Kyle!

Hey, that was better.

It isn't gonna work. The hospital says

we don't have authorization
to see Kenny's remains.

What?!

Sounds like someone doesn't want us

to see Kenny's remains.
'Cause we might find the truth.

There has to be a way
for us to get in there.

- Ha ha. f*ck you, Uncle Kyle!
- Hackelm.

STAN: What the hell
are you guys doing here?

- Stan?
- What are you doing here?

I've been trying to find
out who k*lled Kenny.

I think I know where he
stored the information.

BOTH: It's in his assh*le.

- Yes.
- Well, it doesn't matter.

They won't let us into the morgue.

Yeah, that's because
you guys don't think.

Excuse me? We need to examine

the remains of Dr. McCormick right away.

Like I told the others,

only certified medical personnel
are allowed to examine cadavers.

Stan Marsh, consultant

for Post-Modem Beveragetainment
Online Services.

One moment, Doctor.

This is highly unorthodox.

We don't normally allow
outsiders into the morgue.

That's understandable, Doctor,
but luckily I am orthodox.

I don't think this is
suitable for children.

You guys go. You were
the closest to him.

We'll stay back and watch the kids.

I'm sorry we can't
supply any chin diapers.

Just maintain social distance.

Middle cabinet, second from the bottom.

♪♪

Hello, old friend.

[RATS SQUEAKING]

Ah, come on!

Well, let's get him...

turned over.

Somebody's got to look.

I'm not reaching up Kenny's ass.

Well, somebody has to.

- Cartman, go ahead.
- No, I can't do it.

If anyone should reach up Kenny's ass,

it should be you, Kyle.

I thought you were his
f*cking "best friend."

I was his best friend,
but I am also married,

so I can't be fingering
people's buttholes.

God, you guys f*cking
suck. I'll just do it.

Just like I always had to
fix f*cking everything else!

[RATS SQUEAKING]

[SQUISHING]

You did not "f*cking fix everything,"

you just started acting like
everyone else was stupid.

Oh, really? Because
they were acting stupid?

Yeah, because you got all
self-righteous about everything.

- I got self-righteous?
- Yeah, you got self-righteous.

Do you know what f*cking
sanctimonious means?

No, Kyle, why don't you f*cking tell me

what f*cking sanctimonious means.

See, this is exactly how you acted when

- the pandemic started to...
- Wait!

Hold on.

- [SQUISHING]
- We've got it.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It's got sh*t on it.
That's dead people sh*t.

[RETCHES]

What are you working on, Clyde?

I'm going through Kenny's journals again

to try to find some answers.

Seems like we just keep
hitting dead ends, you know?

I'm just tired and I want to go home.

I know. I'm exhausted, too.

You want to maybe do a little bump?

Huh?

I was just...

I've got some coke and
I thought we could...

I don't know, do you want to party?

f*ck yes, I want to party.

- Really?
- f*ck yes.

Oh, I'm so glad you're down.

Nobody else is even cool
enough for me to ask.

It's pretty good sh*t, too.

[SNIFFING] Oh, man. Thank God.

Thank God I brought this. Here ya go.

f*ck yes. Let's f*cking party.

Wait a minute.

- What is this really?
- What do you mean?

This isn't cocaine, it's
the COVID vaccine, isn't it?!

I'm not putting that sh*t in my body!

Forget it, guys, it didn't work.

[ALL GROANING]

You guys were gonna trick
me into taking the vaccine?!

g*dd*mn it, Clyde, we
want to get out of here!

My body is a temple and
I'm not taking that sh*t!

Let's just face it, guys, it's over.

We're never going to
find what Kenny was after.

Whoever controls the
world and k*lled our friend

is just gonna get away with it.

KYLE: Not so fast!

We did it! We found
Kenny's hidden information!

- You did?
- And now we can finally

learn the truth!

Whoever Kenny was after,

we are gonna take those f*ckers down!

[BEEPS]

[STATIC CRACKLES]

The date is November rd.
It is : p.m.

Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be

attempting to travel back in time.

In order to stop the COVID
pandemic from ever happening.

He did it?

Dr. McCormick believes
that going back is the only way

to stop the people who
have ruined the future.

In the event of Dr. McCormick's death,

he wants everyone to know the group

that is responsible
for the way things are.

It is, "My three dickhead friends,

Stan, Kyle and Cartman."

What?!

Dr. McCormick says

that these three
completely ruined everything

when they let COVID
break up their friendship

and became argumentative,
combative, pessimistic assholes.

[MUFFLED MUTTERING]

He says he hopes you
guys are watching this.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

He spent his whole life
trying to fix your broship

and then realized this was the only way,

'cause you guys suck.

The sequence is active!

The historic moment is here!

Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!

[ZAPPING CONTINUES]

Wait! Dr. McCormick, you
forgot your chin diaper!

[ALARM BLARING]

Something's wrong!

- [EXPLOSIONS]
- [ELECTRONIC TRILLING]

[SHOUTING]

[COUGHING]

All this time, the bad guys
we were after,

who Kenny said ruined
the future, was you guys?

Wendy, I've been trying
not to say anything but...

your friends are all kind of douchebags.

♪♪

Kenny was right.

All this time, we've
been trying to figure out

whose fault this all was.

It was our fault.

I remember when we were kids.

We were so optimistic.

We lost that. We lost our sense of fun.

Our sense of humor.

Maybe the pandemic was a big test.

And we all failed.

Let's face it, guys.

We k*lled Kenny.

Yeah. Kenny was right.

Back in the old days, we
wouldn't give up like this.

We would have just set
out to save our friend,

no matter how impossible it seemed.

What we would have done...

And what we should have done then...

Was double down on our respect

and our love for one
another and fight through it

instead of fighting with each other.

We can save Kenny.

We just have to finish his work.

How? We don't know anything
about quantum physics

and time travel.

I don't know how. But
we start by believing.

In each other and in
what is yet to come.

We have to go back to being
those kids we once were.

Even if it means calling Jesus or Santa.

Come on, guys, we've got work to do!

Sounds good. I'll be right back.

Moisha, Hackelm, kids, get your things.

We need to go now.

What's going on, Dad?

Your Uncle Kyle wants to
go back and change things.

He's going to try and change the past.

But I like things the way they are.

Me too, Dad. Do you think
he'll be able to do it?

No, kids.

f*ck Uncle Kyle.

BOTH: Yay!

- Yay, Daddy!
- f*ck Uncle Kyle!

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

People were supposed to
get kinder in the future.

I'm so sorry what
happened to both of you.

It wasn't your fault, Randy.

It was all Stan's fault.

Yes, it was all Stan's fault.

Thanks for saying that, you guys.

I'm sorry Stan sucks so hard sometimes.

Don't give up, Randy.

Humanity needs you.

No!

I can't do it alone!

How can things possibly go
back to the way they were?

[WIND GUSTING]

It can't be.

It's impossible.

It's the last little sprout of Tegridy.

I have to get you somewhere safe.

We have a lot of work to do.

♪♪

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[PEOPLE WAILING]

[CRAZED LAUGHTER]

We just had another call asking
to speak with Victor Chouce.

You're quite a popular man, Victor.

I wonder what all the fuss is about.

Don't feel like talking, huh? [CHUCKLES]

You will.