06x08 - The N Word

[bunniefuu]

Auntie Rae, Auntie Rae?

- You need something?
- I want to show you something.

Oh, all right then.
What is it?

Eh, don't worry.
Just come with me.

You know, you said how much
you love gardening,

and how you wish you
could garden here,

so I cleared this
little area for you.

- And... there you go.
- Larry.

You did this for me?

- I did it for you!
- Oh, Larry!

- Huh?
- Oh-ho! Larry!

Grow some lettuce, Auntie Rae.
Grow some lettuce!

You don't know how much
I appreciate this.

You've been so good
to us, Larry.

My family...
I really appreciate it.

I really
appreciate it, Larry!

Thank you, Larry.
I-

Larry,
you're disgusting.

Ah!

Agh!
Auntie Rae!

She called me disgusting.

Oh my God.

- What were you thinking?
- And she ran into the house.

- Oh my God.
- How does that happen to you?

You know, she went over
the appropriate amount of time

that I can have human contact
without getting aroused.

I only have five seconds.

After that, it's out
of my controI.

Not me. I've got discipline down there.
I have a very discerning penis.

- No...
- Very discerning.

- My penis is an animaI.
- Really, just out of controI?

- It's a feraI tiger, yeah.
- It's wild.

Oh, so how'd your- how'd
the appointment go? With the doctor?

Great.

He's gonna snip-snip,
and...

I will no longer
be snoring.

- Really?
- Going in on Thursday morning.

- Fantastic.
- Unbelievable!

- Fantastic.
- My dog howls

from my snoring.
I wake up my dog.

My dog starts howling.
I'm out of controI.

- This'll be good.
- This'll be great.

- It's about time.
- It is about time.

- Yeah.
- It's about time.

Hey, guess what else? I think Ben Stiller's
gonna come with me as a client.

- Are you kidding?
- No!

- Have you met with him?
- No, I'm meeting with him this week.

- If you could sign him...
- I think it's a slam-dunk. Done deaI.

It's gonna bring you in
so much income.

- Huge income, I know.
- My God.

- That's amazing.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- I know you couldn't decide

between the slaw and the soup,
so I brought you both.

Wow, thank you
so very much.

And here's your sandwich.
Can I get you something to drink?

You know what I'd love?
I'd love an Arnold Palmer.

- Okay, I'll be right back.
- Thank you.

Excuse me?
Can I give you a drink order?

- Sure.
- I'll just have an iced tea.

- An iced tea. Arnold Palmer of course.
- Thanks again.

Thank you.
Man, she's nice.

Yeah. Nice to people
with hair, she's nice.

- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

- Yeah.
- Bald people get

discriminated against constantly.
And you just saw a perfect example of it.

Oh, it's because
you're bald.

Yeah, ask any bald person.
Ask, go ahead.

You still have issues
with being bald.

You know, if I were bald- if I woke up
tomorrow and I found myself bald,

I'd be so cooI with it.
It'd be no big deaI. It's all naturaI.

- Yeah, right, that's what everybody says.
- Whatever.

Hey, they have
a pharmacy here, right?

- Yeah.
- I gotta get a prescription filled.

I'm gonna go now,
drop it off,

then I'll pick it up
when I'm done.

BeautifuI.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi there.

Ah, let's take
a look here.

Can I get that in
the next half hour?

Sure. Yeah,
we can do that.

Great, thank you.

- That's odd.
- What?

I could have sworn
when I left,

I had about twice
as many french fries

- as there are now.
- Hm.

- You wouldn't know anything about this?
- No idea.

- Huh?
- No idea.

- No idea?
- No.

- No idea?
- I told you! What's the big deaI?

- Just eat.
- Maybe somebody

could shed some light
on this for us.

Excuse me. Hi,
I'm sorry to bother you.

- It's all right.
- I'm wondering if you noticed

anything unusuaI going on
at this table after I left?

Well, I- I really couldn't say.
I don't want

to impinge
on a friendship.

Impinge away.
Go ahead and impinge.

I took one.
sh**t me.

One. Two of them might have
been stuck together.

Mm-mm-mm.
Thank you.

- Are you a doctor?
- Yes, Dr. Flomm.

- I'm an orthopedist.
- Really? An orthopedist?

- Mm-hm.
- Hi, my name's Larry.

Hi, Larry.
I'm- I'm Sheila.

Nice to meet you.
So you work in the building?

God damn, Larry.
What the f*ck, man?

You hug my auntie, man,
you s*ab her in the stomach?

- Oh well...
- What the f*ck was that?

She hugged me and she held that hug
for over five seconds.

- What the f*ck?
- I have no controI after five seconds.

- So you got a five-second rule?
- Not a rule,

it's an approximate amount of time that
it's gonna take for something to happen.

What the f*ck, I mean, what the f*ck?
Loretta.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- L.D.?

- What?
- You have lost your damn mind.

- No, I...
- Auntie Rae?

I can't controI it. I have no controI.
It's not my fault.

Just like that,
you got turned on?

Not just like that.
That's a long time, five seconds.

He got a five-second rule. One, two,
three, four, five- boing, it come out.

- You gotta put Mississippi in.
- Mississippi?

That's how you count-
"One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi,

three-Mississippi, four-Mississippi,
five-Mississippi. "

- That's way too long.
- Way too long.

- You're stretching it out for-
- I'm not stretching it out.

- I shortened it.
- I'm just sayin', it's been a long time

- since my uncle passed away, man.
- That's right.

You all over her. You s*ab her
in the f*ckin' stomach, man.

Believe me, it's not
gonna happen again.

You better make sure it don't happen
again, because we can go.

- We can go, man.
- We can go. We can go anywhere.

- Where you gonna go?
- Anywhere. Get out of here, I know that.

- We got places to go.
- You know, it's just

I'm so starved for affection,
I guess that

- any kind of contact...
- Talk to your man.

- You got one more chance, L.D.
- I just met a doctor, actually.

I'm gonna go call her
for a date right now.

- She's very attractive.
- Handle your business.

- But no- no more hugging, don't worry.
- Oh please, please don't.

Call that g*dd*mn doctor,
get a diagnosis,

and-and-and- and go
s*ab somebody else, man.

And what happens when you-
when you turn your palm?

- Yeah, it hurts.
- Worse, okay.

Just a moment, please.

- Hello, Dr. Flomm.
- Oh, Dr. Flomm.

- This is Larry David calling.
- Oh hi, Larry. How are you?

- Good, I met you earlier in the cafeteria.
- Yes yes, I remember.

- Would you like to make an appointment?
- Uh, no, actually.

I'm calling for,
um, a date.

Oh I see. Well, I'm with
a patient right now.

Oh Jeez,
I'm so sorry.

Okay, is- is tonight
good for you?

Actually I'm all booked up tonight,
but I am available tomorrow

between 5:00 and 6:00
or anytime after 8:30.

- Okay, I'll take the 8:30.
- Terrific.

Speak to my receptionist
to get the pertinent details.

- I'll call your receptionist.
- If you need to canceI

or in case of any emergency,
just page me.

Okay.
Okay, will do.

Good, and I recommend
being five minutes early.

Okay, I'll see you
tomorrow.

All right, Larry,
thank you.

Okay.

Hi.

Is... Sheila here?

Yeah, come on in.
I'm her sister.

- Oh, hi.
- You must be Larry.

- Yeah.
- Just come on in, have a seat.

- Make yourself at home.
- Oh, thanks.

She'll be right down.

You have nothing
to worry about, it'll be fine.

- Thanks, Sheila.
- Oh hi, Larry.

- Hi hi.
- This is my brother Joe.

- Larry David.
- Hi, Joe.

- Nice to meet you.
- I suppose you met Trish, my sister.

Yes, yeah.

- Wow.
- Huh?

- You look great.
- It took me about two hours to get ready.

Your brother and sister,
they're staying with you?

Yeah, they're gonna be
with me just a couple months.

- So...
- I've got people in my house too.

- You're kidding?
- No.

You know, it's great and then
sometimes it's not so great.

Well, I took in
a homeless family...

- You what?
- ... from- from- from the hurricane.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Anyway, their-
their name is "Black. "

- Uh-huh.
- And- and they're actually black.

- Well, that makes it easy.
- Exactly, yeah.

Yeah.

- Can I move on?
- Absolutely.

Huh? All right,
I got a groin issue.

- Oh, okay.
- I- I pulled it.

Did you ice it right away?

- No.
- Okay, so put a little bit of heat

- on the groin...
- Heat on the groin.

- ... and then I'd massage it.
- You want me to massage it?

- Oh absolutely.
- Really?

You never want
to massage with muscle,

- you always want to massage laterally.
- LateraI, okay.

For instance, this is your groin.
Just- you just massage across.

Watch out for my testicles
right over there.

Larry?

Why don't we move this
to my bedroom?

Sure.

Go upstairs,
take off your clothes,

and I'll be in to see
you in a few minutes.

Okay.

Larry?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Uh, listen, I-
I am so sorry.

I- I hate
to tell you this,

but my brother
and sister just came back.

- They weren't supposed to be here.
- Oh.

And my brother got food poisoning,
so they came back early,

and I-
I'm really sorry.

- Well, what are you gonna do?
- So...

- It happens.
- ... we need to reschedule.

Why don't you get dressed
and I'll meet you in the foyer?

I'm telling you, Jeffrey,

there's nothing
like dating a doctor.

We talked for 45 minutes
about my groin injury.

No no, she just
wants me to massage it.

It's k*lling me too.

Um, so listen-

I'm gonna see you later. I'm gonna
stop by before your operation.

Okay, man.

Okay, take care.

Oh!
Auntie Rae!

- You know what?
- What?

- Last night, I know we talked about this.
- Yeah?

- This thing, you know.
- Oh, that thing.

- And I respect your medicaI judgment.
- Mm-hm?

- I think it's cancer.
- It's not cancer.

Huh? I've never had cancer
before but I'm imagining

- this is how it feels like.
- How would you know?

No no, it's not.

I'm gonna...

head to the men's room.

I- okay, that's fine.

I just... I'm a little
shy about this,

and I just have-
I just wrote you a little something.

- I think it might make you feeI better.
- Moi?

- Yeah.
- Ah. A note.

- Oh my God.
- You're embarrassing me.

Just- just go
to the bathroom.

- Oh, excuse me?
- Yeah?

- Can you do me a favor?
- Sure.

A doctor wrote me this note.
I can't make out a word of it.

You know the way they write.
They have terrible penmanship.

- Look at this.
- "Libby... "

No no, Larry.
That's me.

Something...

- something "socks. "
- "Socks"?

That's an "S"?
I thought that was a "T"?

- Tox?
- Truck?

Truck.
Do you have a truck?

- No, I don't have a truck.
- It's gotta be truck- oh.

- All right, whatever, okay.
- I'm sorry.

- All right, thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you.
This...

Yeah, I'm at the hospitaI.

Yeah, I f*cked
my wrist or something.

Yeah, I was moving
a futon.

And I had to take the top
because of this 300-Ib n*gg*r.

Yeah, exactly. I'm at the f*ckin' top,
and halfway through,

this n*gg*r
drops his side.

So now
my wrist is f*cked.

Oh my God.

You can't believe what I just
overheard in the bathroom.

What an unbelievable jerk.

This guy is on his cell phone,
he's talking to his friend,

and he's upset
and he's complaining.

You know, he had to move some furniture
and he says to his friend,

"I hurt my hand because
I had to take the top

because of this
300-Ib n*gg*r who was-"

What did you say?
What did you just say?

- Oh...
- What did you just fix your mouth to say?

- No no-
- You just used the most vile word

in the English language.
How dare you?

- No, I was-
- How dare- in front of me?

You are despicable.
I can't stand people like you.

- I didn't-
- You bald son of a bitch.

I have to face this kind
of wretched foolishness.

This is ridiculous. I just want to- God!
I can't stand people like-

Bald?

I wonder what's
keeping Dr. Page?

Why hasn't this patient
been prepped?

He is prepped, sir.

Excuse me, nurse.

- Clippers!
- Sir, clippers are not req-

Do I have to do
everything myself?

I know what I'm doing here.
Clippers, please.

Thank you.

Oh my God!
No no!

- What?
- Oh my God!

Look at me!

What the hell
happened to you?

- What happened?
- What happened, nurse?

Dr. Page accidentally shaved
Mr. Greene's head-

- Shaved my head?
- Wait a minute.

- Accidentally?
- Did he operate on my head?

No, the procedure
was cancelled.

The operation is going
to be rescheduled.

- So he didn't have the surgery?
- No.

Oh, you look horrible.
Jeff!

- Nurse, would you please excuse us?
- Doctor, what happened?

- What the hell happened? Look at him!
- What happened?

Mr. and Mrs. Greene,
I am so sorry.

I was coming to see you
in the operating room

and I had just been victimized
by a terrible incident in the cafeteria.

And so I came
to the operating room

and I was so angered and I was upset
and I was confused,

and I mistakenly
shaved your head,

- for which I'm so sorry.
- "Mistake" is correct.

- You took it out on his head?
- It was a terrible mistake.

I can explain- I'm leaving the cafeteria,
and I'm walking past a table,

and this horrible man
uses the most vile word

in the English language
to refer to a black person,

and I went
into a blind rage,

and I left there and I went
to the operating room,

and I made this terrible mistake,
for which I'm so sorry.

Do you know who
this man was?

I have no idea
who he was.

He was just
a despicable bald man.

- Bald?
- Yes.

Did he, by any chance,

wear glasses?

Yes.

As a matter of fact,
he was wearing glasses.

And it was awfuI.
It was just absolutely awfuI.

"S... "

"Sitter"?
"Sitting"?

Look at him!

- Look at him!
- What the f*ck?

- I'm bald!
- You like this look?

- He had a beautifuI full head of hair...
- I'm bald!

...a mane that I loved
and now he looks like you!

- Look at me!
- What happened?

- How did that happen?
- You did it!

- I did it?
- You did it! Yes!

- What are you talking about?
- You traumatized the doctor!

He described you. He said, "Bald, glasses. "
You said some raciaI slur

and you traumatized
the doctor

- and he came in all flummoxed...
- What did you do?

...and shaved
his f*cking head!

There's nothing wrong
with being bald!

- Sure there is!
- Yes, there is, Larry!

- Look at you!
- You said you wouldn't care if you were!

Yeah, in 40 years!
Not f*cking today!

Because he knew it was
never gonna happen!

- Not overnight!
- Yours is gonna grow back, mine isn't!

That's right. You know what?
Curse on you!

Mine's gonna grow back,
yours isn't! You deserve it!

What did you say
to that doctor?

Here's what happened, okay?
Here's what happened.

I was in the cafeteria.
I was having lunch with Dr. Flomm.

Okay? What-
you know, it was pretty...

by the way, can you
interpret this- this note?

Oh, nobody gives a sh*t
about your note!

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Okay, so I went
to the men's room,

I'm in the stall,
there's this guy-

an unbelievable
assh*le-

He's talking on his cell phone
to his friend.

He's very upset because
they had to move some furniture,

he says to his friend,
"I hurt my hand

- because this 300-Ib n*gg*r is-"
- What'd you say?

- What?
- What did you just say?

- Oh no no, I-
- Did I just hear the word n*gg*r?

- No, but I was-
- Did you say n*gg*r?

- Leon! Leon!
- What?

- Oh no no, don't-
- Leon, get your ass out here.

Larry
just said n*gg*r.

- Get the f*ck out of here!
- Larry just said n*gg*r!

- How you gonna say n*gg*r, man?
- No no!

Is that how you
feeI about us?

That we a bunch
of n*gg*r*s up in here?

- I was quoting somebody.
- Let's get out of here! I wanna go!

What is all this fussing and cussing
going on up in here?

Larry D. done
called us n*gg*r.

- n*gg*r?
- n*gg*r!

- No, let me explain!
- You lost your damn mind now!

First, you're rubbing all up against me,
then whacking off in the damn car!

- Now you call us-
- I was massaging!

I'll come down there
to whip your poor ass!

- You done f*cked up, Larry!
- I'll tell you one damn thing.

We ain't gonna
put up with that.

- L.D., I told you you had one last chance.
- One.

- This the last straw. We out this bitch.
- That's it.

- We out this bitch!
- Out.

- Where you gonna go?
- We don't know.

- But we gonna get the hell out of here.
- You could stay with us.

- Thank you, baby.
- That's what I'm talking about.

- We appreciate that.
- Thank you!

f*ck you, Larry,
wit' your monkey ass!

DaryI! Keysha!

- We gettin' the hell outta here.
- You're damn straight.

- Get the hell outta here.
- Where the kids at?

Like how you do what you do.
It's a sexy ass, Susie.

f*ck you, Larry!

Peace!

Well, look, I-
I think that

you're limiting yourself
by just doing comedies.

- Right.
- You can do it in your sleep.

Let's show people more.

Why can't you win
an Academy Award?

The studios, they'll do
anything you want to do.

we just gotta push 'em
in the right direction, man.

- Yeah.
- That's it.

- I didn't just fall off the melon truck.
- Melon truck?

You sign with me, I will fight that fight
to get you those roles,

to develop those
projects with you.

That's what I do. You know,
you need to be doing things

that are more independent,
smaller in scale...

as well as the big-scale stuff.
That's gonna fall in your lap.

I'll do the work. You won't notice
anything different

except for the fact that
you're collecting awards.

Okay?

What?

Stiller said no.

- What?
- Doesn't want to work with me.

- Are you kidding?
- Doesn't feeI it's right.

- He called you?
- Yeah.

Said "it doesn't
feeI right. "

- "Doesn't feeI right"?
- Doesn't feeI right.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You know what doesn't
feeI right about it?

- You're bald.
- You think that's the reason why?

- Yeah.
- I'm not sure.

Doesn't want a bald man
to be representing him!

Hey! You know what?
I know exactly what I want.

- I'm gonna get-
- I'm a little busy today.

I'll come back
in a little bit.

- Okay?
- That's weird.

- Weird?
- Yeah.

That's the way
it works, my friend.

Welcome to my world.

- This sucks.
- You know what?

- This f*cking sucks.
- That cost you millions of dollars today.

- What happened.
- Millions of dollars.

- Millions of dollars.
- The hospitaI wants to meet with me.

They want to talk and-
and go over my bill.

"Go over my bill. " I'm gonna sue
these m*therf*ckers.

- That's it! That's f*cking it!
- Right, good for you.

This blows.
How do you deaI with it?

You just get used to it. And I get
support from my bald brothers.

- There's, like, meetings?
- There's no meetings,

but we see each other
on the street, we nod.

- We'll give a thumbs up.
- Yeah.

You know what? We love each other,
me and my bald brothers.

Still obsessed
with that note, huh?

I- I've asked
10 people.

Excuse me, could you
do me a favor?

I can't read this. Could you make out
any of that handwriting?

- This from a doctor?
- Yeah.

Take it
to a pharmacist.

- What a great idea.
- Yeah.

They're the only ones who can make out
a doctor's handwriting.

Yeah, go!

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Larry David. I dropped off
a prescription the other day.

- Ah yes yes, here we go.
- Yeah.

Actually, I want to talk to you
about something else too.

I'm going out
with a doctor,

and she wrote me
this note,

- and I cannot...
- And you can't read it.

I can't read it!
It's unbelievable.

- Nobody can!
- Yes.

So somebody suggested
a pharmacist,

'cause nobody can
decipher this thing.

Let me-
let me take a sh*t.

You're my only hope.

"Larry, had a great time
last night.

Would love to get
together Friday night

- at the BeI-Air Regency HoteI."
- What?

"Just the two of us.

So tired of all these

brothers and sisters
around.

I know you feeI
the same way.

Tell me your life
wouldn't be better

without the Blacks. "

Huh?

Oh, okay, uh...
no no no no no.

It's your business.

- You're misinterpreting it.
- Here's your prescription.

- No, see I've got-
- Take your prescription.

- Thank you.
- I've got people in my house.

There's...

They're black but
their name is Black!

She's got...

her brothers
and sisters.

It's open.
Come on in.

Hi. You have got
the worst handwriting...

Are you out of your mind?

- No? You couldn't read it?
- You expect anybody to-

- Couldn't read it? I gave it to 10,000-
- Oh!

- A pharmacist, a pharmacist wound up...
- I'm so sorry.

- ... translating that for me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Mm.

Thanks for driving me home.

Really, I-
I couldn't drive.

I just don't-
I don't feeI like-

I feeI nauseous and like
I'm drugged or something.

And as far as
what happened earlier,

I'm mean, you know,
usually like, five-Mississippi.

Honest to God,
five-Mississippi-

that's all I need.

Why don't you just go?

Well...
good night.

Ugh!

Ahhh!

Somebody go in there and put a sock
in that m*therf*cker's mouth!

One second!

Hey, L.D.

- What's going on?
- Come on in, it's cold.

- You're back?
- Yeah. Couldn't sleep.

Jeff's snore? Man, I'm telling you,
that was awfuI.

Worse than
the damn hurricane.

- I know, it's terrible.
- Kids need to sleep here. Y'all go to bed.

- Good night, Larry.
- Good night.

- Good night, Mom.
- Good night, y'all.

Talk to your boy, man. sh*t,
that m*therf*cker swallowed a kazoo.

- Ridiculous. All f*cking night!
- Yeah.

Come on!

It's safe.
It's safe.

One-Mississippi,
two-Mississippi,

three-Mississippi...

My own daughter locks
herself in her room.

Won't come out
whenever I'm home.

My wife- one of the most warm,
loving people

you could ever meet-

has turned into a witch.

A witch! 'Cause I'm bald,
it's changed everything.

Ben Stiller
won't work with me

because I'm bald!
I mean, come on.

Do you know how many millions
I'm losing because of that?

Millions I'm losing!

All right, I don't know
what else to say. Thank you.

All right, Mr. Greene. I understand
now we're going to hear

from Mr. Larry David,

who will testify on Mr. Greene's behalf.
Mr. David?

- Thank you for being here.
- You're welcome.

Mr. David, as you know,
we are looking into

allegations
of physician misconduct

stemming
from the incident

on the 17th
of this month.

Would you please tell
the board what happened?

I was having lunch
in the cafeteria,

and I excused myself
to go to the bathroom.

You know, it's-
it's a thing we all do.

It's not a crime, right?

- Don't have to be embarrassed.
- No need for embarrassment.

Go ahead.

Anyway, I went
into the stall.

Generally, when I-
when I use a public toilet,

I'II- I'll go into the stall
as opposed to the urinals.

I find there's, you know,
there's no privacy,

and if there's no dividers,
it's kind of like going in a trough.

All right, all right.
Go ahead, please.

Anyway, so I went
into the stall-

I guess it's kind
of a habit now

for me to go
into the stall, in a way.

Um, if it's open,
if it's available,

I'II- I'll generally
take the stall.

Of course, what you find in there is-
you know, is anybody's guess.

Anyway,
so I'm in the stall,

and I overhear this guy
talking on his cell phone.

And he's talking to a friend of his
and he's getting very upset,

'cause he had to move
some furniture

and he hurt his hand,
and he- and he's saying,

"And then I hurt my hand
'cause this 300-Ib-"

Sorry I'm late.

Please continue,
Mr. David.

Go ahead, sir.

Please continue.

Mr. David,
is there a problem?

Please, tell us what the man
on the cell phone said.

Mr. David, tell us
what the man said!

- Just say it!
- You are wasting this committee's time.

- Larry, tell 'em.
- Please tell us what the man said.

- Say it!
- Tell 'em! Will you tell them?

- Just say it!
- Larry, just tell 'em!

- Tell us what the man said!
- Tell them, please?

- Just do it, Larry!
- Tell us now, Mr. David!

- Just say it!
- Larry, tell 'em!