01x06 - The Wire

[bunniefuu]

Was it b*rned to the ground?
Are you sure it's him?

You're positive. Has he admitted to it?

It can't be that bad.

Look, no one was k*lled, no one was hurt.

No!

You know what? I got to call you back
in a few minutes, okay?

I can't believe he did this. I'm very sorry,
that's all I can tell you. 'Bye.

What's going on?

- You know, l...
- You got a tissue or something in here?

No.

What's all that about?

- You okay?
- What's going on?

I sponsored a kid from the inner city
to go to summer camp.

- You sponsored an inner-city kid?
- An underprivileged kid.

- You're kidding.
- No.

I'm completely nonplussed.
Is that the right word?

I don't know what the right word is.
I'm flabbergasted, I'll tell you why.

He set fire to the canteen and his cabin.

- Who does that?
- Oh, my God!

- That's insane.
- Holy cow!

That's too bad.

- You do something nice, see what happens?
- You get screwed.

You do one nice thing. I assume
it's the first nice thing you've ever done.

You're so complimentary. Very nice of you.

It would put you one up on me in that case,
though I did try and stop a woman...

who was about to get hit by a car,
I screamed, "Watch out!"

And she said,
"Don't you tell me what to do!"

I tried to save her and she screamed at me.

That's all it took
for you to stop helping people.

- I got out of the nice business then.
- I'm out of the nice now, after a fire.

Maybe you don't have
all the facts and details.

- I've got to talk to the kid.
- Talk to the kid, see what he has to say.

- I've got to find out.
- In retrospect, it would have been better...

had he been a kleptomaniac
or another kind of maniac...

- rather than pyro, because that's...
- Pyro's a bad maniac.

If you're gonna be a maniac,
pyro is a bad maniac.

- Not a good maniac.
- That's not a good maniac.

Cheryl called. She wanted me to remind
you to come home early tonight, okay?

- Okay, thank you.
- Why do you have to be home early?

We've got this wire in our backyard.

My wife's obsessed with taking it down
because it's ruining the view.

She wants to bury it underground.

To do that, we have to get signatures
from adjacent neighbors.

Five have signed on. One couple
won't sign it, they wanna meet us first.

- You ever heard of anything so nutty?
- Never.

- Why are they doing that?
- It's really wrong.

It's very wrong. It's so wrong.

- How's this?
- That's better. Much better.

- It doesn't look better.
- It does.

You think they'll like me better in this shirt?

- They will. Please, just do this for me.
- I'm doing it.

I've got to get rid of that wire.
It's making me crazy.

What do you think?
Does everything look all right?

- It looks fine, the house looks great.
- The pillows and the...

Who gives a sh*t?
Looks okay, what's the difference?

- Okay, here we go.
- Let's get this over with.

All right, best behavior, please.

- Please come in.
- Dean.

- Hi, Dean, I'm Larry.
- Hi, Phyllis.

How you guys doing?

I'm finally in the house
that Jerry Seinfeld built.

With his own hands, and some hammers.
He actually worked on it, like Jimmy Carter.

He can do that kind of thing.

Okay, this is the living room.

- Is that Swiss coffee or vanilla bean?
- I think it's Chocolate Cho-Cho.

He's teasing, you know. Let's head outside.
Let me show you the problem.

There it is. That's what
we've been looking at day and night.

Jesus Christ.

It was like that when we moved in...

and it has been bugging me so much,
I can't even tell you.

I'm gonna get a divorce, I'm telling you.
I can't take her anymore!

That's horrible. Tell me exactly what has to
be done, because that has got to be fixed.

- That's horrible.
- All you have to do is sign some papers.

- Right.
- We've taken care of everything else.

They put it underground.
It's environmentally safe.

- This has to be buried.
- Thank you.

Let the machine get it, it's okay.

Hi, we're not in right now,
so just leave a message.

Larry, it's Jeff.

That kid that I sponsored,
the one who set that fire...

The camp called.

They want me to pay $ ,
in damages. Me!

If you know any lawyer
who handles such things, call me.

Call me anyhow. I'm nuts! 'Bye.

- Okay, I didn't know who that was...
- That's my manager.

- I'm a lawyer.
- You are?

Really?

- Did Jeff say he needed a lawyer?
- I overheard that, that you were...

- Oh, my gosh.
- Rutgers and University of Vermont, too.

- Holy!
- Look at this.

Kismet. Isn't that what it's called?

- I'll be happy to give him your number.
- I'm happy to help out.

See, you got a new client. Did you think
you'd come and get a new client?

And who knows, you know what?
Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.

- Anything could happen.
- A lot of people sue me.

I'm very vulgar and...
You might wind up suing me.

I would never sue you, no.

Can I ask you a question?

Do the cast members
ever come over to the house?

Do they come here
and just hang out with you by the pool and...

Not by the pool,
but they have come over, yes.

- They're friends.
- Tell them the truth about your biggest...

I'll just say it:
She played Elaine on the show.

- Julia.
- He's obsessed with her.

- He thinks she's the most talented actress.
- She's great.

Okay, she's not just beautiful,
and she's not just talented. She's sublime.

Tell me if I'm going over the line here...

but it's always been a dream of mine...

to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
just meet her in person.

And if you could just make a phone call,
make that happen, that would be so great.

I'm more than happy to call her up.

I can't guarantee.

It's so hard to get anything
absolutely guaranteed.

Like you want to get something buried,
you don't know if it's guaranteed.

You don't even know if that...
There's a lot of papers to be signed.

I agree with you there.

I know I can make something happen.

I don't say, "I think I can."
I can make something happen.

I just wanted to be clear...

- I think you're pretty clear.
- We have an understanding.

This has to be buried.

- I'm going to give you my number.
- Great.

Yeah, we'll do that on the way out.

- It's so nice to meet you guys.
- Would you like to have dinner, too?

I've got a nice casserole
in the oven right now.

- I would k*ll to have your casserole.
- Listen, I can wrap it up...

I can't do it because
there's something wrong with my stomach.

- Okay? I can't.
- Thank you so much for coming over.

Let me just show you out.

f*ck him!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is not showing up
at his house...

and you'll have to k*ll me
before I call her to do that.

And I will move, do you understand me?

I will move
before I make that phone call. Move!

If you want to get that wire down,
look for a house.

Let's relax for a moment, okay?

Take a deep breath.

What's the guy, years old?
He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

- What kind of person is that?
- He's a fan.

What does he expect to gain
from such a meeting?

What does he think? He'll go over there,
she'll be so charmed by him...

that all of a sudden they'll be friends?

They'll talk on the phone,
go out to dinner, go to the movies?

Start e-mailing each other?
Summer vacations?

Is he out of his f*cking mind?

One phone call, one small favor...

to make this house completely perfect.

I can't live with that wire any longer.

I've done so much work
trying to get this removed...

Why do there have to be
pillows on the bed?

Listen, please, I'm asking you.

I don't think she'll mind.
And she'll probably think it's funny.

Yeah, she's gonna think it's really funny.

I really thought we had the deal cinched
with the lawyer, with Jeff.

- I know.
- I should call Jeff and tell him about this.

Wait, what time is it?

- It's : .
- : is the cut-off time.

- You don't call people after : .
- No, the cut-off time is : .

They have kids.

- You don't call after : .
- No, : .

- The cut-off time...
- Is that right?

Yeah, cut-off time's : .
Everybody knows that.

It's a : cut-off.

Susie, it's Larry. Did I wake you?

I'm really sorry.

No, it's nothing.
I'll just talk to him tomorrow.

No, I'm really sorry.

Okay. All right.

How'd that work out for you?

Susie was pretty pissed off.
She's really upset.

- : is the cut-off, man.
- I thought the cut-off was : .

No, : , you called, : the cut-off.
If you called at : , she'd be just as mad.

- Is that right?
- Listen, I've got a big problem.

Dean, your lawyer friend,
I don't think he's competent.

- You hooked me up with a freak.
- He's probably a good lawyer.

- He's a weird guy.
- He's weird, but he's very shrewd.

Shrewd? He's a wire lawyer, I know.

I know what you're doing.

You've got me some expensive idiot lawyer,
so you can have your wire dropped down.

- I know your games.
- I'm sorry.

You screwed me with this guy, I know it.
I wanna let you know that I know it.

Wait, first of all, I didn't even
have to tell you the story behind that.

- See how he does, a few more days.
- I wanna fire him.

- You cannot get rid of him.
- I have to, he's a freak.

I know he is, but please,
if you get rid of him...

we're never gonna get rid of that wire
in the backyard.

The guy's a total prick, he'll do a good job,
believe me. Pricks are good.

You want a prick, and this guy's a prick.
Look at you.

You're a prick, you're doing a good job.
Are you a prick or not?

- I am a prick.
- In business, are you a prick?

- This guy's a bigger prick than you.
- You're not taking this seriously.

The camp's gonna charge me.
They're trying to get me to pay.

I know.

Listen to me, that kid, he called me,
begging me to come stay with me.

He got kicked out of the camp,
he wants to stay at my house.

- You're kidding.
- He said, "If I go home early from camp...

"my mom will k*ll me,
thinking I did bad things."

- You let this kid stay in your house?
- Yeah.

So, you're going to put up a sociopath
for a couple of days?

- He's not a sociopath, he's a good kid.
- He b*rned down the canteen.

He b*rned down the canteen, and the cabin,
but they were both accidents.

- Got insurance?
- Yeah.

Get the kid to burn my house,
so I don't have to worry about the wire.

- That I would love to do.
- I would love to do that.

- Thanks again.
- It's fine, but I have to tell you something.

I've got minutes, tops, that's it,
because I got to get to school.

The whole thing, okay, really.

- Who is it?
- It's Larry David.

- Are you by yourself?
- No, I'm with Julia.

Oh, my... Are you okay?

- Oh, my God.
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus, this is Phyllis.

- Weinstock, Phyllis Weinstock.
- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Are you okay?

- Yes and no.
- Oh, dear.

Yes and no.

My cat d*ed.

Please come in.

Please sit down.

- Where's Dean?
- Dean's with Jeff.

Why is he with Jeff?

- Who is Jeff?
- Jeff's my manager.

Yeah, Jeff Greene. He's with Jeff.

He called, he said,
"I'll be home in or minutes.

"Don't let them leave."
I said, "Don't worry about that."

I can't wait here this long, really.

This is just bad timing for me.

I've got to get out...

I'm so sorry about your cat.

Yeah, and its tail had been trapped...

when the gardener came over...

It had been trapped in the lawnmower...

God.

- Poor kitty.
- I don't wanna talk about Mittens.

I've got a better idea. Hey, brainstorm.

Phyllis has just had a complete...

I don't know why I didn't think of this.
Camcorder.

- I'm getting the camcorder.
- No, don't get a camcorder.

Please, don't.

Okay, I thought that
the husband was supposed to be here.

Isn't he supposed to be here?
Is he the one we had to meet?

Yeah, we're supposed to meet him.
It's just another minutes.

I'm not kidding.
I have to get to the kids' school.

This is just so outrageous.
Do you know this woman?

I've met her once before.
She came over to my house, I told you.

You are living next to...

Give me another minutes
with this lunatic.

- She's a lunatic.
- She's a total lunatic.

- Oh, God.
- This is good.

Hi, Julia. Talk.

You know, I don't mean
to be a party pooper...

but I'm not really crazy about
those camcorders.

You want to ask Larry something
on the machine?

Okay, just let me get... Okay.

Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld...

and tell me about...
He dates those young girls...

He's a eunuch. Yes.

His testicles were cut off
when he was about ...

because he was in the Beth Shalom choir.

And that's what he wanted to be,
he was a choirboy.

Julia, is that true?
Does he really have no testicles?

You know, I've got to tell you,
I don't have any f*cking idea.

- I think that's enough.
- Dean's gonna love this.

You know what? I think...

I'm gonna call Jeff, okay?

- Okay, good idea.
- Your manager?

- I'm coming back to you.
- Could you make it quick?

And tell him I've got a time thing.

Julia, over here.

What time did Dean leave?

- He didn't leave, he's still here.
- What?

- He's still here.
- He's still there?

What the hell are you doing over there?
He's supposed to be here!

I can't kick him out,
we've got business to do.

What do you mean? I've got Julia
Louis-Dreyfus in his house waiting for him!

I gotta go, he's charging me...

This is ridiculous.

Okay, we're gonna have to get going.

- No.
- Dean's still at the office.

- You're kidding me.
- You're kidding.

- All right.
- Well that's...

- What's going on?
- This is so unusual.

You know what? I'm gonna get this.

- Great!
- What is all this?

I'm an antique jewelry dealer.
You didn't know that.

- And I just got this piece...
- Can I see that for a second?

- Julia just fell in love with it.
- I'm in love with it.

- I can't believe it.
- I've got to tell you, I just love jewelry.

This is the same bracelet
I was gonna buy for my wife...

but what happened was,
I got in a fight with Richard Lewis...

I was gonna get this.

I've never turned a piece of jewelry
around this fast.

I love it.

Thank you.

- I have a check from Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
- That's so pretty.

I guess Julia will have to come back over.
You'll have to arrange another meeting.

Are you out of your mind now?
Get Julia back over there?

You think I'm gonna ask her again
to do this?

No, we're not gonna give up on it
just like that.

I'm not asking her again.
You want to ask her, you go ask her.

- I'm not asking her again, that's it.
- Larry, do you not even care about me?

I love you, I care about you,
but I have a friendship with Julia.

I can't impose more on that friendship.
She's already done this favor for me.

Don't you understand?

It would not k*ll you to make a phone call,
and ask her if she could reschedule.

Where's my pad?

- What?
- I can't find my pad.

- Your little pad?
- Yeah, my little brown pad.

That you write your ideas down on?
I don't know where that is.

Where the hell is my pad?

Jesus!

What did I do with that?

I think I left it in Julia's house,
when I talked to her about Dean.

I took it out in her kitchen.
That's the last time I used it.

Then why don't you call her tomorrow,
and you can ask her about...

I'll call her right now.

- Wait, what time is it?
- It's : .

- What time is the cut-off?
- : . minutes before the cut-off.

- No problem, I'm right in there.
- No, you're pushing it.

I'm not pushing, minutes is pushing.
minutes is not pushing.

That's not a push.
That is right in the wheelhouse.

I have minutes before the cut-off time.

Hi, Julia.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's : .

Really?

I got to tell you,
I never heard of a : cut-off.

I'm sorry about this.

It'll take me two seconds,
and I'll be out of your hair.

I don't have it, though. It's not here.

Hi, Brad.

Sorry for coming over so late...

but this pad is really important.

You sure you haven't seen it?
It's brown, it's got a black trim, no?

I'll just take a quick look in the kitchen.
I'll be out of here in a second.

I'll just take a quick look.

Also, I'm sorry about calling so late,
but I thought the cut-off time...

- was : .
- No, it's not.

It's : for us.

Most people have a : or : cut-off.

- I think : with kids is great.
- Seems like an early cut-off to me.

- It's pretty standard.
- And for visitors, it's more like : .

Yeah. That's the telephone drawer,
so there's not gonna be anything in there.

And those are my notes,
and these are my bills and stuff.

I looked pretty carefully in here, Larry.
It's not in the kitchen.

Of course, those are cookbooks.

Sorry, okay.

- It's definitely not...
- You know, sometimes...

Those are napkins.

- We'll look carefully tomorrow, Larry.
- And those are place mats.

I'm gonna check the patio,
because that's where we were talking.

It may have dropped out of my pocket.

- Oh, my God.
- Want me to kick him out?

- How are you gonna kick him out?
- I'll make a joke.

If you can make a joke,
but don't make this awkward.

Okay, I realize where it is.

- I made a phone call in that office.
- In my office?

Let me just check that office for one second.

You know, I was working there all day.
It's really not in there.

- Larry, what the hell are you doing?
- No, that's where I was sitting.

- This is bad, this is not good.
- I'm sorry, okay.

- Let's just...
- And I sat here.

- What are you doing?
- Mommy?

Bobby? Great!

We had a hell of a time putting him to bed.

I'm sorry, okay.

Bobby, what are you doing? It's so late.
Go on upstairs...

Did you find a little brown pad,
it has a little black trimming on the side?

Larry, go home, please.

It's just absurd!

- Go to bed, Bobby.
- Bobby, nobody's angry with you.

Larry, go. Okay? Just go!

Larry, go! If we find it,
we will bring it over, okay?

See you. What was that?

Do you think I can call New York right now?
I'm gonna call Seinfeld.

- I gotta tell him about this.
- What's the cut-off on New York?

- I don't know.
- About midnight?

Forget it,
these are extenuating circumstances.

I'm coming up in a second.

- I have to call Seinfeld, then I'll be right up.
- He's not gonna believe it.

I just can't believe
that I have to deal with this!

He has ransacked our entire house!
Do you know what he took, Jeffrey?

Do you wanna know
what this little sh*t took?

He took our wedding video, okay?

You weren't even thinking! You know why?

'Cause you're a fat, f*cking assh*le,
that's what you are.

This is not my problem,
this is your problem.

Do you understand that? I'm pissed, Jeffrey!

I am pissed,
because my whole life is now in shambles!

I've just had it with you!

Hello.

This is all we need,
"Mr. Wake me up in the middle of the night!"

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Jeff and I were gonna play
the new computer golf game.

Were you really?

Let me tell you something, Larry.
Jeff's computer golf game is gone!

The computer's gone, the TV's gone,
the new DVD player's gone.

Everything's gone!

My wedding video is gone
because your fat-f*ck manager over here...

let an assh*le kid into our house, okay?

You happy?

All gone!

- It's not his fault.
- Whose fault is it?

- It's not Larry's...
- It's the kid's fault.

- No, I don't think it's the kid's fault.
- I'm gonna get him!

You're going to get him?
Look at you, you're pathetic.

And, Larry, by the way...

what the f*ck was that about,
calling at : at night the other day?

- I thought the cut-off was : .
- You know I have trouble sleeping?

- Yes, you do.
- Don't know that.

Jeff, you never told him
about my trouble sleeping?

- The cut-off is : !
- : .

A lot of things to do during the day.

Once I go to sleep,
then I have to take a Xanax!

- I was crazy that night, okay?
- You have a : cut-off, okay.

- It seems reasonable, a : cut-off.
- Please respect that.

While I'm on the subject...

who is this schmuck,
f*ck-face lawyer you set us up with?

I could see how one could interpret that
as a serious error in judgment.

That's quite correct.

That's even an understatement, because
that guy is costing us, how much money?

How much is he costing us?
Larry, should I be upset about this?

They're just things.
We can replace everything.

There's things we can't replace,
like my grandmother's brooch...

- from Russia.
- Did he take it?

I don't know.
I'm gonna check that right now.

She brought it over from Russia,
from a pogrom. She was in steerage.

If that's gone, I'm gonna be hysterical.

She worked hard all her life
to give that to me!

I'm sorry you walked in on that.
No. Don't, please.

- Goodbye.
- No, please, I'm begging you.

- Just stay here.
- I can't stay here.

No, trust me.
That f*cking brooch better not be missing.

It's gone, you f*cking, m*therf*cking...

I'll k*ll you, Jeff!
You're a cocksucker, m*therf*cker!

My grandmother's brooch is missing.
I could not replace this item.

What if something you cared about
was missing?

- You don't give a sh*t about anything!
- My baseball cards.

All right. See?
Now, it's not so funny anymore.

Mickey Mantle might not be there.

Like the f*cking -year-old that you are.
"I don't care about the money."

- Will you shut up?
- f*ck you!

Stay right there.
I wanna show you something.

- You got my pad?
- It's even better. You won't believe this.

I went by that jewelry store on Wilshire
and I found that bracelet.

- Can you believe it?
- This thing?

- Is that unbelievable?
- The same store. That's where Julia...

- I don't get it.
- I was so excited, I bought it at once.

- Are they knocking these things off?
- I gotta go. I've got a meeting.

- Will you put that away for me?
- I can't find that pad anywhere.

I went to Starbucks, they don't have it.
I went to the gas station.

- I'll help you look when I get back, 'bye.
- 'Bye.

Hi, come on in.

- How are you?
- Good.

- How are you doing?
- I'm okay.

Hey, listen...

I am so sorry about last night.

That was just so insane.
I completely apologize.

That was crazy,
but that pad was just so important.

It has nine months of ideas in there.
It's like I've wasted nine months of my life.

When you were looking around last night...

did you see my bracelet?

Because I can't find my bracelet.
You know the bracelet that you like?

You didn't see it?

No, but you know what's interesting?

Cheryl actually was just...

Jesus Christ.

- This looks bad, I know it does.
- This is my bracelet.

Cheryl bought the same bracelet that you...

- Julia, I swear to you, I didn't...
- Why are you doing this?

I didn't take your bracelet.

- That's Cheryl's bracelet, Julia.
- You keep the bracelet now.

- I don't want it in my house. I don't want...
- Dean, come on in.

Dean, look, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Remember? This is Dean!

We went over to his house the other day.
It's Julia.

This is fantastic.

I can't believe we're actually meeting.
This is great.

You were supposed to come the other day,
and you didn't show up?

Okay, can I tell you something, my friend?

When you make appointments, keep it!

Because now I'm busy,
and I can't talk to you anymore.

Keep your appointments.

I think I'm nauseous.
She's certainly a lot different on television.

You know what? She's mad at me, not you.
Don't take that personally.

That has nothing to do with you, okay?

It's me. The point is, you met her.

You met Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Come on, you met Julia.

That's what you wanted, you met her.
Isn't that fantastic?

- I think that's great.
- That was terrible.

That was maybe an encounter,
but that's not a meeting.

I don't know why you're quibbling
about semantics here. You met her.

It was an unpleasant meeting,
it wasn't a long meeting...

but it was, nevertheless, a meeting.

Okay, we have a divergence of opinion.
This happens all the time in law.

One person sees it one way,
another person sees it another way.

You saw that as a meeting.
I saw it as a horrible moment in my life.

Okay, get out.

There was a reason I came over.

- Thank you.
- I found this.

Does that look familiar at all to you?

- Is that...
- Yeah, where'd you get this?

It was in my house,
under a cushion by the chair.

- I was just wondering if that was yours.
- Yeah, thank you.

There's a reward involved in that.

Look right in the front part.

It says, "$ to the person
who returns this to L. David."

I put two and two together
and thought the "L" stood for Larry.

- Is that right?
- I'll get a check, Sherlock.

- Perfect, check is fine.
- Maybe you can get yourself a new sweater.

It's "E-I."

Weinstock.