09x04 - Major Disturbance

[bunniefuu]

Would you wake me up
in minutes?

Ahh, douglas. Are you
going out, by any chance?

Well, I'm putting on
a coat, so...

I'm gonna let you
connect those dots.

Sorry. I live in a basement
with no insulation.

I put on a coat
to watch tv.

Apology accepted.

Anyway, do me a solid
and drop me off in the city.

I'm gonna hang with my
friends in the village.

Yeah, that's not
going to happen.

Why not?

Because carrie and i, we're
going to see deacon and kelly,

And it's in
the other direction.

Darling,
can you drive me?

Dad, I'm going
with doug.

Won't be late.
Love you.

Fine. Maybe I should just hop
a freight train, like a hobo?

Make sure
you bring some beans,

So the others
will like you.

Here's dessert.

Oh. Thanks.

Here you guys go.

Fruit?
That's it?

That's it.

I gotta tell you-

I'm pretty close
to crying.

I am so jealous that you
guys are going to bermuda.

And the best part? The resort
was running this big promotion.

We got a sick deal.

Yeah? Well, if you want to
bring me back a souvenir,

This cabana boy
would be just fine.

Hey, deac, can you help me
with the coffee?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, and by the way-
thanks again, guys,

For taking major
for the weekend.

No problem.

I'm sorry...

What did he just say?

Oh, I forgot to tell you-we're
watching major this weekend.

Ow!

When were you planning
on telling me?

Ow!

Hey!

Ok. Thank you.

Doug, I work hard
all week.

the weekend is my time.
Carrie time.

I barely want
to spend it with you!

Fine. You know what?
I'll watch him, ok?

You won't have
to do a thing.

Oh, yeah? Really?

That's what you said
about the turtle.

Ok. For
the last time, ok?

I didn't know he was
attached to his shell.

Hey.
Hey.

So, this deal we got-
day weekend, bucks.

Days?

Now, that is crazy.

Heh.

You know what's crazy?
Calling days a weekend.

'Cause where I come from,
that's, like, a week.

Know what I'm saying?
That's a long time.

That's what I'm-
ahh, god!

She still
makes me laugh.

She makes me laugh.

Hey, what are you doing
out of bed, little man?

I want you to
read me a story.

Oh, buddy, we have
company over.

I'll read to you
tomorrow night.

Hey, you want your uncle
doug to read you a story?

Yeah!

Doug, you don't have
to do that.

I know
I don't have to.

I want to.

Come on, buddy.

We really appreciate you
guys taking major. Yeah.

Oh! Well, good luck
getting him back.

Ahh! Thank you
for the ride, daniel.

Nah, no problem.

Oh, just so you know,

Since last month, I've
been going to the city

Every tuesday. Uh...

I'm seeing
a- uh, therapist.

Yeah, well, I'm not-

I'm not crazy or
anything. You know.

I mean-heh. I just have
some issues to work out.

You know.
But do me a favor.

Don't mention anything to
doug, all right? I'm just-

Not that I'm ashamed
of it, you know.

I actually feel
really good about it.

Really good.

Perhaps you could have
your therapist work on

Making you less
of a dullard.

Wow. We are making
great time.

We're gonna be in the
city in, like, minutes.

We are whizzing along,
aren't we?

Yeah, thanks to you, I
can use the carpool lane.

Ha! You know
what you should do?

You should rent yourself
out to single drivers.

I bet you'd make
some great money.

Yes! I bet
I could!

I bet I could.

"But jimmy soon learned
this was no ordinary pen.

"This was a magical pen.

"If he drew a snowman
with it, shazam!

"There was a snowman-"

"Right in the middle
of his room."

"Right in the middle
of his room." Yes.

"If he drew a castle
with it, presto!"

"There's a castle,
and he was the king!"

You know this story
pretty well, huh?

I know it by heart.

Oh, ok.
We'll see about that.

Ahem.

"And best of all, one night,
when jimmy couldn't sleep,

"The magical pen-"

"Drew big, fluffy sheets
for jim and the clown."

Uh, actually, that's not
what it says here at all.

It says, uh...

"The magical pen grabbed
its stomach and threw up."

"And he threw up a big,
giant lobster man

"With giant claws

"But with
regular people feet."

"And-and then he started
getting closer and closer

"To jimmy's bed, and jimmy
screamed, 'oh, no, no!

"'Please, don't hurt me!
No, please!'

"And the lobster man said,
'i'm gonna snap your neck

'And eat you,

"'And your family will
never see you again!'"

"And-and then-

"Everybody just
started laughing."

No, 'cause it was all
- it was just all a big goof.

It was all a goof,
you know?

And then,
lobster man said,

"Hey, everybody,
let's dance!"

And then-and everybody, they
all grabbed jimmy and they-

They threw him up
on a chair.

You know, like at
a bar mitzvah. And-

And he's not even
jewish, so that shows you

How much they like jimmy,
you know, right there.

The end!

Ok. You good? You look
good. All right, buddy.

Good night.

No, kelly,
I totally understand.

I mean, you have
to do what's best.

Oh, we would've loved to have the
little guy here for the weekend,

But if he doesn't want to
stay here, he shouldn't.

All right. I'll talk
to you soon, honey.

Bye-bye.

Give mama
some sugar, baby.

What are you
talking about?

We're not getting major
for the weekend.

What?
Yep.

They're dumping him
somewhere else

Because you scared the crap
out of that kid last night.

Did you-did you
do that for me, baby?

Because if you did, i-

One second.

He-he's still scared
from my story?

Yeah. What'd you say
to him, anyway?

I mean, kelly said he made
them throw out all their pens.

Told a little story
about a magical pen

That throws up a half-man
lobster that eats little boys.

Well, that's creepy.

Ok, a big, bad wolf can eat a
grandma, but I'm out of line.

All right, all right.
Come on. Calm down. Anyway,

Kelly said major is doing
better now. It's all fine.

It's not fine. Ok?
I terrified a child-

My godson-
so much that he-

He wouldn't even
set foot in my house.

I know! Give mama
some sugar! Come on!

Will you stop it?!

You don't understand. I
mean, kids like me. You know?

They run to me.
They climb on me.

You think I stayed
this size for myself?

This is for the children.

This carpool lane
is marvelous, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm glad
I saw your ad.

By the way,

My service
also includes chitchat.

However, if you wanna talk
politics, I should warn you.

I have some
very strong opinions.

That's ok.
I kinda like it quiet.

Hurtful message received.

Excuse me.

Shotgun artie's,
we get you there quicker.

The airport at : ?
Hmm. Hold on.

I've already
got a pickup then,

But I don't wanna miss
an airport fare.

What should I do here,
cal, huh?

Um, I'm not
really sure.

Could you put
your shoes back on?

Don't you worry.

Somebody will be there.

Who wants to make
some easy money? Hmm?

Hey.
Oh.

What's going on, man?

Uh, I just wanted to
give you back your, uh,

Earth, wind and fire cd.

You've had it for years.

Best years of my life.

Hey, is,
uh, major around?

Maybe... Why?

Just wanna say hello to
the little guy, that's all.

No, you know, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Oh, man,
I'm his godfather.

I just wanna
say hello to-

You shouldn't have told
that damn story

About a k*ller lobster.

Ok, it was
a lobster-man,

Half man,
half lobster.

k*ller lobster.
Where's your head?

Hey, there he-hey,

Major deacon expressway.
What's up?

How you doing there,
buddy?

Ok.

So your dad tells me the story
I told you the other night

Kinda scared you
a little, huh?

Uh-huh.

Ahem. You know, uh,
it was in the paper today

That lobster-man got caught
and he's in jail.

So now you can come to uncle
doug and aunt carrie's house.

No! Lobster-man
will get me!

Ok, gotta pay attention
here, bud, ok?

Just said a second ago
they caught him.

He's in jail.
So he can't get you.

I don't wanna stay
with you!

You'll tell 'em
that stupid story again.

Um, for
your information,

Most kids love
that stupid story. So...

Maybe the problem's not with
the story. Maybe it's with you.

All right,
you know what?

Uncle doug's
gotta go now.

Aw, man. It's ok.
He needs to hear this.

No, he doesn't!
Yes, he does!

You're scary!
I'm not scary!

I'm your godfather, ok?
I don't care!

Ok, well, you're gonna care when
something horrible happens to your parents

And I'm all you got!

Daddy!
No, daddy's gonna be fine.

Get out.

Bye, buddy.
Love you, man!

Mr. Jenkins
will pick you up

On the corner of
northern and third.

Incidentally,
he sounded

A little sketchy on the phone,
so keep the door unlocked.

Here you go, arthur.

This is for
the brooklyn run.

Oh, thank you, flora.

I have a client going to
yonkers, if you're interested.

Ooh, yonkers.

Oh, how delightful.

By the by,

It wouldn't hurt business
if you popped another button.

Ooh.

And now, major
is so freaked out

That something could
happen to me or deacon,

Only one of us can leave
the apartment at a time.

I'm so sorry.

No offense, but your husband's an idiot.

Believe me, if his job
didn't have dental,

I would've been out that
door a long time ago.

And our trip
was non-refundable.

We're out bucks.

Unless we can find somebody
to take it off our hands.

You are on fire!

What are you
talking about?

You scared that kid
so bad last night

That deacon and kelly
aren't going on their trip.

But guess who is?
I'll give you a hint-

It rhymes
with shmu and shmee.

Whoa! We're not taking
that trip. I'm sorry.

No, really?

That's not
what these tickets say.

Carrie, we're not going.
We're not going.

Doug, we have to, honey,
for deacon and kelly.

Otherwise, they're gonna
lose all this money.

The trip is
a prepaid thing.

Ok. You know
what else is prepaid?

Your ticket to hell,
'cause you're a devil woman.

Well, if by hell, you
mean bermuda, then...

No, I gotta go over there
and make this right.

What? Doug, no. Stop.

All right, look.
I'll admit,

The more you t*rture the kid,
the better things get for me,

But now I'm really
thinking of major.

Yeah, right.
I am.

Do you really think going
over there for a third time

Is really gonna
make things better?

I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.

Honey, listen to me, ok?

Major loves you.

But he needs a little
space from you right now,

A little time

To forget about all
the scary stuff you did

And remember all the good times
you guys have had together.

He never remembers those.

I know, I know.

I'm gonna run some errands.
You go to the dry cleaners.

And when you get back,

You can have
a scooter pie.

Yeah?

I had one already,
but I'll have another one.

Sir, I assure you
I had no idea

Joel suffered
from motion sickness

When he was hired
at shotgun artie's.

Fine. We'll pay
for your car to be cleaned.

Arthur? The check
you wrote me bounced.

As did mine.

You know he's paying us a lousy $

And keeping
for himself?

That's an outrageous lie.

I saw the books.

That's private, and
you're fired. Now, b*at it.

Arthur, you have me going all
the way out to philadelphia,

But how am I going
to get back?

You have a thumb,
don't you?

I'm a woman.

I can't be out there
alone at night.

Trust me
- nobody's buying what you're selling.

Oh!

These work conditions
are terrible.

I say we form a union.

Yeah!

You should form
a union-

A union of ingrates!

and you know, I didn't tell
him his parents will die.

i said if they die.

You know, he's the one who
saw the glass half empty.

Well, you know, stuff
like that may seem small,

But it could traumatize
people for years.

For years.
You're crazy.

Excuse me?

I'm not crazy, ok?

I mean, you may not like
what I have to say,

But that doesn't
matter anymore.

And you know why?

Because I've learned
from my therapist

That the only opinion
that matters is mine.

Yeah. All these years,
I tried pleasing

My father,
my teachers, the i.r.s.

Well, that's over, ok?

From now on, it's all
about me, all right?

For the first time
in years,

Danny heffernan is
a very happy guy.

You seem it.

I'll be in the car!

Another party tomorrow,
mr. Bippy?

Yep. Kids love clowns.

Hey, babe.

What the-

Oh, my god.

You have me going all
the way to philadelphia.

But how will I get back?

How will I get back?

Arthur, the check
you wrote me bounced.

I say
we form a union.

I say we rough him up.

Life was so much
simpler last week

When it was just me,
a stranger...

And the open road.

You going to
the expressway?

Uh, yeah.

Hey!

Don't worry.

I'm doing this one
for free.

Hello?

Hello. Sorry to
bother you there.

I just moved
into the building

And can't seem to remember
the bloody entry code.

Oh! Well, welcome to the
building. Uh, what unit are you in?

Oh, I'm in -g.

The randalls live
in -g.

I'm sorry, that's -e.

That's "e"
as in entenmann's.

Doug.

Deac, come on,
let me in!

Doug, go home.

Come on, I got a cool
surprise for major!

Leave my kid alone!
Damn!

Oof!

What the hell
are you doing?!

What needs to be done!

Listen, ronald mcdonald.

You are not screwing up
this vacation for me,

So get back down here.

No!

Damn these gigantic shoes!

Doug, this
is ridiculous!

No! I know I can
make this right.

Doug, stop!

Stop.

Baby, you gotta let
this thing go.

Not for me,
not for the trip,

But for major.

Fine.
Good, good.

Now, come on, honey.
Let's go home.

You are so dead!

Sorry I was
startled at first.

When you got the car,
I thought you had

Something entirely
different in mind.

Oh, no, no.

That is a service
I do not provide.

Actually, you know,
in this neighborhood,

You'd probably make
a fortune.

Ahh. I bet I could.

I bet I could.