09x05 - Ruff Goin'

[bunniefuu]

You know what? Movie starts
in, like, minutes.

You wanna pick up
the pace, arthur?

Excuse me for chewing.

It's mashed potatoes.

You don't have to chew
every bite times.

Not all of us have
a working stomach.

I digest most of my food
in my mouth.

Where do you digest
the rest, on your shirt?

Oh, hey, danny.

Hey, man.
What's goin' on?

Ah, I just wanna catch
the rest of the nets game.

Oh, beautiful.

Up points
with seconds to go.

You got some, uh-
got some money on it?

Yeah, a couple shekels.

Come on, baby. Come on.

That's it.
Run out the clock.

Here's your check.

Oh, hey, no, wait.
That's, uh, on me tonight

And, uh,
the new jersey nets.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. Hey,
you and the nets

Wanna buy me
a gucci purse?

Yeah, sure. Maybe we'll get
one for you, too, dougie.

What just happened here?
How-how'd it get tied?

It was actually a -pointer
and technical fouls.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Oh, my god, I can't-
a steal now.

Oh, my god. Cover him.
Just cover him.

Cover him.

Gah! Ahh!

Months' rent.

What am I gonna do?

All right, buddy,
we gotta go,

But thanks for dinner.
Appreciate it.

Thought doug and carrie left.

What are you doing here?

Watching you wallow
in a place

I like to call
rock bottom.

What?

I stayed to help you.

I'm due for a hot streak.
I know it.

I said the same thing
after I wagered

On president
thomas e. Dewey

And a series
of white heavyweights.

I kicked my habit.

Now you've
gotta kick yours.

All right, look, arthur,
I appreciate your concern,

But I don't have a problem.

Look at yourself!

Desperate
and penniless!

Trolling the men's room

For any trucker with
bits in his pocket.

I just came in here to pee.

That's how it starts.

All right, maybe I do
have a problem,

But what am I supposed to do,
go to, like, gamblers anonymous?

Humph.
Where they coddle you

With their understanding
and support. Hardly.

I'm gonna cure you.

Really?
Yes.

From now on, the only
monkey on your back

Is gonna be me.

I'm just sayin'
that's the last time

I'm letting you
pick the movie.

Hey, you know what? If you
won't wear the -d glasses,

You don't have
a right to criticize.

Whoa. Look at your boobs.
They're comin' right at me.

Not tonight they ain't.

Hey, what's with
the police barricades?

Ok, my guess, your dad
had a little too much

Cough syrup, and he
cursed out a neighbor.

Hey, lou,
what's goin' on?

Um, we're havin'
a block party.

Oh, cool. What time's
it, uh, start?

Um, you're putting me in
a very awkward position.

Why?
We weren't invited?

I wanted you guys
to come,

But the others sh*t
me down pretty quick.

Sorry.

No, nothin' to be
sorry about. It's ok.

Yeah. I don't think
we can make it anyway,

Because we're right
in the middle of a, uh,

Ahem, pretty intense
game of battleship.

Well, that sounds
like fun.

it is fun, damn fun.

Hey.

Found battleship, but most
of the pegs are missing.

Yeah. I think my dad
thought they were tic tacs.

I doubt it.

I've been tryin' to get
him on those for years.

Anyway, I don't wanna play.
My neck is k*lling me.

Could you give me
a little-little massage?

Yeah, no problem.

They're goin' all out
on this block party.

They got a reggae band.

Are they makin'
funnel cakes?

All right, would you stop
lookin' out the window?

I'm just sayin', it looks like
they're havin' a good time.

Oh, really? Good time?
Wh-what time is it? : ?

I'm gonna call the cops.

Carrie, come on.
Come on.

What? What's your problem?

I'm just sayin',

Don't you feel
a little weird that...

I mean, there's
a block party out there,

And we're the only couple
on the block not invited?

I mean, look,
there's even the guy

Who everybody thinks k*lled
his wife. He's out there.

Doug, it's a block party.

Really, what are we missing?

"Oh, I like the onion dip."

"Why, hasn't billy grown?"
Please.

I am missing that.
I love onion dip,

And I gotta tell you, billy
has sh*t up these last months.

It's a moot point anyway.

The neighbors hate us.
So what? What are we gonna do?

So, wh-why don't
we go down there

And show 'em that we're
actually nice people?

How 'bout this?
You go. I stay

And try some of these, uh, leftover
painkillers from my gum surgery?

I will.
Lou's in the dunk t*nk.

I'm goin' down there
right now.

Hey.

Doug heffernan, .

Oh.

Yeah, aren't you the people
who called the cops

On our last block party?

You said there was
g*ng activity going on.

You know what?
That was my wife.

I gotta tell you,
we're not really close.

Hey, phil.

Oh. Hey, doug.

Hey, glenn.

Hey, I gotta
tell you,

I love the way your
garden's been lookin'.

What do you mean?

That heat wave k*lled
almost everything.

Yeah, but less is more,
you know.

Hey, who's this handsome
fella, huh? Look at you.

This is sparky.
Oh.

You like dogs, doug?

No. I really don't.

I love 'em.

Oh.

Do you have a dog?

No, I don't. But I'll
tell you, if I found one

As cute as this one, I'd
pull the trigger in a second.

Well, you can have him.

Come again?

Sparky isn't mine.

I volunteer
at the animal shelter,

And I'm just keeping him
for the weekend.

So, what do you say, doug?

Is there enough room
in your heart?

Doug.

What the hell is this?

Take it easy.

I'm sorry. I'm just
not used to waking up

First thing in the morning
to a strange dog in our bed.

Actually, it's like :
in the afternoon, so...

Seriously? Wow.

They weren't kidding when they
said don't mix with alcohol.

You found out
the hard way.

Anyway, this is
my new dog, sparky.

I'll be back
in a little bit-

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here?

Nothing. I just- I adopted a
dog at the- at the block party.

Most people
go to a block party

And come back
with a pie, not a dog.

Ok, I did bring home
a pie. You missed it.

Again, it's, like,
: in the afternoon.

All right, honey, please, just take
it back to where he came from, please.

Care, come on,
it's because of him

That the neighbors
finally like us.

And with all the running
and-heh- playing around with him,

Bonus. You know why?

Washboard.

Ah, it's gonna
help you lose weight.

Ok.

Isn't that
what you said

When you talked me into
getting you that dune buggy?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
When I flipped that thing

And I got my jaw wired shut,
I lost, like, / pounds.

Ok, you know what, doug? You
want the dog, fine. It's yours.

It's your responsibility.
You're gonna feed him.

You're gonna walk him,
it's all on you.

Absolutely.
Gonna feed him right now.

Come on, let's go
finish that pie.

Don't forget to separate
the whites from the colors.

Yeah, well,
havin' a little trouble

Figurin' out
which ones are the whites.

Watch the 'tude, junkie.

Look, I still don't get it.

I mean, how is
doing your laundry

Helpin' me get over
my gambling problem?

When you came down here,

What did you wanna do
more than anything else?

Well, open a window.

Then I wanted to call my
bookie to make a couple of bets.

I like the knicks, and
the lakers, they're a lock.

And did you
place those bets?

No.
And why not?

Because the dial on your phone
was jammed with gum.

No, because I'm keeping
your stubby fingers busy.

Now keep sorting.

I'm just tellin' you, guy,
if you don't stretch now,

You're gonna
feel it tomorrow.

Who's this?

Oh, it's my new dog, sparky.
Sparky, this is arthur.

Whatever you do,
don't sniff his butt.

Ah.

Just so we're clear,

The liver treats
in the pantry are mine.

Oh. Is this
the knick game?

It was. They just crushed
the trailblazers.

Oh. Did they?

And, uh, would you
happen to know

How the lakers fared?

They won by, like, .

Really?

Looks like someone's
back on a hot streak.

All right, come on.

Let's go find us
some b*tches.

No, I haven't decided
who I'm bettin' on tonight.

Heh. Yes, fat charlie, I've
been on quite a hot streak.

Speak of the devil.

Hold on.

Hey, arthur.

Hey! How's my favorite
recovering addict?

Ehh. Hangin' in there.

Have a seat.

Let me just move
these boat catalogs.

Let's talk
about what teams

Your diseased mind
is obsessed with today.

Well, actually instead
of talking about basketball

And, you know, shockin' me
with a car battery,

I- I thought maybe we can,
I don't know,

Get to the root
of my problem.

What do you mean?

Well, I was thinkin'

This whole gamblin' thing
might have something to do

With my father never
giving me his approval.

Ok, let's work
with that.

Great. Great.

Now, if your father asked
you who to bet on tonight,

What team would you pick
to earn his approval,

The celtics
or the timberwolves?

What? Celtics, I guess.

Aha.

And if his love hinged on
picking the over-under...

Under.

Under! Righto.

God, you know, you know what? I
really gotta get a handle on this,

Because I don't know, sometimes
I just feel so desperate

That i-i feel like
gettin' up on the roof and-

Let's pick this up
tomorrow.

One day at a time.

You're welcome.

Hey, what's up?

I was just upstairs,

And apparently somebody
peed in the hallway.

Yeah, that was me.

All right,
you know what?

This isn't
workin' out for me.

What are you
talkin' about?

Doug, you took
a perfectly good dog

And turned him into a
big, lazy eating machine.

And in case
you hadn't noticed,

Already got
one of those.

Oh! Slammed me there.

Heh heh. Come on.
Sit down. Watch the tube.

Eat some doodles with us.
It's fun.

Ok, all right,

Now, h-here's
what's gonna happen.

Ok, you're gonna wake
up every morning early,

And you're
gonna walk him,

and then you're gonna feed him dog food,

And then if he
pees in the house,

You're gonna
clean it up,

And if you can't do
all those things,

He's goin' right back
to where he came from.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Come on, boy.
Gotta take you back.

Believe me, if I could trade
places with you, I would.

Carrie, I'm glad
I caught you.

I wanted to drop off
this dog training video.

It's narrated
by betty white.

Oh, right.

That's great, but I'm actually
not gonna be needing it, so-ahh!

You ok?

Yeah, it's just
I got a pinched nerve

In my neck.
It's killin' me.

You know, I had
that same trouble

Until I got
my massage chair.

It's changed my life.

Oh, yeah, I priced
one of those.

And unless I'm goin' home with one
of the salesmen, ain't gonna happen.

Actually, one of my
clients manufactures them,

So I can get you one at a
third of the store price.

Really?
You would do that?

After what you guys did
rescuing sparky,

It's the least I can do.

Bless your hearts.

Well, don't bless us.

Bless all of god's creatures.

Well, I can't take him back.

What? What happened?

Glenn's gonna get me
an incredible deal

On a massage chair because
he thinks I'm a good person.

I gotta keep that goin'.

Well, have fun with him,
'cause I moved on.

I'm thinkin' about
gettin' a bird now.

What? What are you
talkin' about?

The dog was your idea
in the first place.

I don't wanna
take care of him.

So think of something.

Well?

Sorry. I'm thinkin'
of bird names.

What do you
think of chet?

Ok, how about this?
We take him to the shelter,

And we tell people
that he ran away.

That way, we still
get credit for the rescue,

Plus sympathy for the loss.
Win-win.

Uh-uh. No way.
It's not gonna work.

Glenn's down
at the shelter

Rescuing a llama or whatever every day.

What if we take him out
of state, like, to jersey?

Mmm. Too close. Too close.

Pennsylvania.
Amish country.

All right, but it's gonna suck
for him, 'cause he likes tv.

Hey, did you put up
the lost dog posters?

Yeah.

Then lou gave me
a hell of a sympathy hug.

I think he separated
my shoulder, so it...

Well, don't worry.

Glenn said our massage
chair is comin' today.

Ooh.
Maybe that's it.

Miracles do happen.

Sparky?

He's back?
If you can believe it,

He made it all the way
to lancaster, pennsylvania.

Lucky for you, they were able
to scan his microchip implant.

Microchip. Wow.

Who would have thought
the amish had scanners?

Well, the important thing
is he's home now,

And your family is whole.

Thank you.

Arthur, hey.

Oh, there you are.

Let's probe
your inner demons

Vis-à-vis tonight's
pacers-cavaliers game.

Oh. Well, i, uh-
I haven't thought about it.

I haven't thought
about gamblin' in days.

What?
Yeah.

I think I'm, uh,
finally cured.

Your therapy worked.

And, uh, to thank you,
I got you this plant.

Don't be a fool.

Thinking you're cured
is part of the disease.

Hey, that cost me
bucks at walgreens.

I don't care. Just tell me
who's gonna win tonight.

Wait a minute.

Have you been betting
using my picks?

Hello.

Sorry. I assumed that was
a rhetorical question.

Of course that's
what I've been doin'.

Ah. So that explains
the fancy jewelry

And the women
and all the fur hats.

You said
you were helpin' me.

Ok, I deceived you,
and that was wrong.

But that doesn't
change the reason

I started helping you
to begin with.

I love you, daniel.

So, pacers-cavaliers-

Ah, you're unbelievable.

Please. If I can double
up on tonight's game,

I can get myself
out of this hellhole!

Yeah, well,
you can forget it, ok?

'Cause you've sucked from danny
heffernan's teat for the last time.

One more, son?
No!

Good. I don't need you.

I can make some very
savvy picks on my own!

Let's see.
Cavaliers-pacers.

Oh.

Cavaliers and pacers.

My cousin jeffrey
used to drive a pacer,

Although he had a very
cavalier attitude about it.

Free dog!
We got a free dog here.

Man's best friend.
Everyone should have one.

Lady, take it home with you.
Take it home with you.

What do you say there,
gramps? Come on.

Bring him with you.
Bring him with you.

There's-nobody's takin' him.

You wanna know why?

Because nobody's
seen him move.

You turned him
into you.

No wonder
nobody wants him.

You wanted me.

Yeah, that was a
million years ago, buddy.

All right,
you know what?

L- let me handle this.
Let me handle this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you goin'
so fast, sweetheart?

Excuse me?

Yeah, uh, see,
thing is

This dog just
showed up here,

And I don't know
whatsoever to do with him.

You seem like
a dog guy,

And I just love
dog guys.

Yeah, that's-
that's great.

Uh, I'm late
for something.

All righty.

Nice goin'.

I tried.
Yeah. You know what?

Next time, pop a button
or put a hand on him.

Always be closing.

All right,
you know what?

There's a bunch of families
over there by the swings.

Come on. Somebody will
take him over there.

Here we go, man.

Go get it!

Come on, now.

Go!

Go on, now.

Go-get out of here!
We don't love you!

All right, you know what? Let's just go.

All right.

Hey, man.
Hey. Heh.

What are you doing?

Um, just playin'
with our dog.

Yeah. Little game called,
"get out of here.

We don't love you."

If you can't muster the
compassion in your hearts

To care for
this poor creature,

I'll be happy
to take him back.

Awesome!

That sounds really great.
Thank you.

Wait.
Quick question, though.

If we give him
back to you,

Where does
that leave us,

Massage-chairwise?

Carrie,
I promised you a chair.

It'll be here today.

Ah, a man of his word.
I like it. Kudos.

So you, uh-you're probably gonna
tell the neighbors about this.

No, doug.

Your selfish and deceitful
behavior will be our secret.

This just keeps
gettin' better.

Bring it up, buddy.

All right, bub.
You're awesome.

We'll see you
at the next block party.

Just kiddin'. We'll
stay home. We'll stay...

So, we're square,
fat charlie?

Hey, what the hell
is goin' on?

I had a small
gambling debt to settle.

So you gave the guy
my new massage chair?

And douglas' autographed
nolan ryan baseball.

You're so dead, old man.

Get in the house
right now.

Unbelievable.

Can't believe you, dad.

I told you
they were bad people.

Come on, snowflake.

Does he belong to you?

Found him wandering around
in amish country.