09x10 - Manhattan Project

[bunniefuu]

Morning, douglas.

What you got going on there,
greased lightning?

It happens to be
called style.

As the entertainment
director at the senior center,

It's important that
I maintain a certain image.

well, if you're trying
for the stuart little look,

You nailed it.

I'm not going to let your
little gibes get to me, douglas,

Because I just booked one of
the greatest singers of all time-

Ava st. Clair.

Who?

Ava st. Clair,

The youngest of
the st. Clair sisters!

Oh, the youngest,
yeah, never heard of her.

Of course you have.

Remember her big hit?

My candy store's closed

That's how it's gonna be

Still nothing.

Hermione gingold did a
hilarious parody version!

Ok, stop saying names
I never heard,

And you're not using those
breath strips I gave you, are you?

Deacon, what's the first
thing you think of

When I say,
"lick my lollipop"?

Um...

No.

Hey, I grabbed
your mail for you.

Oh, thanks.

What the heck is this?

"We are pleased
to inform you

"That your apartment
in stuyvesant towers

"Has become available.

You have days from the
above date to respond."

You guys moving
to manhattan?

No.

Oh, my god.

This is from when, like,
we first got married.

Yeah,
it's a one-bedroom,

Laundry's in
the basement,

And you get
full doorman service.

Let me just take this.

How great is this?

And I think it's some kind
of rent control-y thing,

So we can actually
afford it.

Yeah, it's just
kinda small, isn't it?

Yes, of course it is.
It's manhattan.

But you know what?

We're right across
the street from the park.

And you said you wanted
to start training

For your marathon, right?

Yeah, it's weeks away,

I don't want
to peak too early.

You know what else
they do in the park?

They have this whole
shakespeare festival.

I mean, we could watch it
from our window!

Carrie, you know me,
I'm all over shakespeare,

But wouldn't it be
more practical

To get a place
out in queens?

This way we have a house,
we got our yard.

You know, we'll be
near our friends.

We can get a dog with,
like, half a tail.

I always feel bad
for those guys.

Come on, let's go
check out the bedroom.

Man, she's really got a
thing for living in the city.

Well, I should tell you
this unit's rented,

And the waiting list for
this building is pretty long.

How long?

Believe it or not,
could be , years.

Who knows?

Really?

So, you really
want this, huh?

Yeah, it's always
been my dream.

Well, then I say
we do it.

Really? You would
do this for me?

Carrie,
you're my wife now.

So, that means
your dream is my dream.

god, my dad was
so wrong about you.

So, basically, you lied to
the person you love most.

And got rewarded. We
went to k.f.c. That night.

God, that's carrie.

I'd better not
let her see this.

Why not?

Because she never really got
over the whole manhattan thing

And I don't want to get her
all revved up again.

Well, how can you
do it anyways?

It's a one bedroom
and you got arthur.

Oh, my god,
you're right.

I forgot about
the crazy old man.

You know what?

I bet you
I could use this,

get a little
extra credit,

And maybe a return trip
to k.f.c.

Oh, you got the mail.
Yeah.

Yeah, it's just nothing
but bills, bills, bills,

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, what is this?

Stuyvesant towers?

Oh, my gosh, carrie,

You remember
that apartment in the city

We signed up for years ago?

Uh-huh.

Well, it's available.
Man...

What?

Yeah.

Oh, my god, I totally
forgot about this.

Yeah, me too.

You don't want
to move to the city, right?

I don't know, man,
it is your dream, right?

Yeah.

Well, like years ago
I said, you know,

Whatever your dream is,

Is my dream, too.

You would do this?

Look, do I love living
in queens? Yeah.

Do I love you more?
You betcha.

So, I'm going to call right
now and reserve it, ok?

I can't think
of any reason why not.

I mean, can you?

No!

Ok, let's do it!

I'll wait for you
in the car.

Ah, let me see that.

I
- I just want to make sure we're not forgetting,

You know, something or

somebody.

Oh, my-my dad.
We can't do it.

It's a one-bedroom.

God, gut-punch.

Well, that was exciting
for about seconds.

All right, well,
I'll just call them later

And tell them
to take us off the list.

I'm so sorry, babe.

That's ok, you tried.

I did try.

You know what?

Tonight, I say we get
us some comfort food.

Yes!
Pick us up some sushi.

I'm sorry to disturb you,
miss st. Clair,

I just wanted
to let you know

We're running
a few minutes behind.

Nothing major. Our sound
man's suffering chest pains.

Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going on.

What?

But we have
a full house.

Send them home.

Nobody wants to see
some horrible, aging diva.

You're not horrible,
you're ava st. Clair!

No, I'm not. I am esther
levine from brooklyn.

I don't know.
Who am I fooling?

I should've retired
years ago,

When I could still
sing worth a damn.

And why didn't I marry vic
damone when I had the chance?

Miss st. Clair, can I
tell you a little story?

I don't care.

The year was ,

And my pencil eraser business
had just gone belly-up.

Pens had become
all the rage.

I was flat broke,

My fiancée left me,

I didn't want
to live anymore.

Well, you're still here,
so what happened?

I was in horn and hardart's,
having a cup of hot water and lemon.

Suddenly a song
came on the radio.

It gave me
the will to go on.

What, my song
saved your life?

Yes, and I also realized

I couldn't off myself
if I wanted to,

I'm very much a coward.

Spooner,

The concession stand is
almost out of pudding.

We're about minutes from
this place turning into attica.

Well, cue the band!

Ava st. Clair is
in the house!

Whoo!
Oh, yeah!

You can't stop me,

You can only hope
to contain me!

-Zip.

Y- you know what?

You-you and deacon
versus us isn't fair, man.

You didn't hear us crying when
you kicked our ass at pictionary.

All right, well,

At least give us
an asthma break.

You got seconds.

So, what happened with that
whole, uh, apartment thing?

Oh, it's dead.

Thanks to arthur, I'm
staying right here in queens.

What? Carrie wants
to move?

Yeah.

I got the same problem
with pudgy.

Ok, would someone
tell lord dipwad

That buying a house

Is a sound
financial investment?

Y
- you pay rent, you're just throwing money down a rat hole.

Yeah, w-well, so is spending
$ , on massage school.

Oh, well, I didn't hear your
feet complaining last night.

Thank you!

Oh, I think
they liked me,

They really liked me.

Liked you? If they had their
teeth in, they'd eat you alive.

Oh, and arthur, I couldn't
have done it without you.

I mean it.

You were the wind
beneath my wings.

Imagine that.
I'm ava st. Clair's wind.

You know, arthur,
I've been looking

For somebody to, uh, help
me with the rest of my tour.

Would you be interested?

Are you serious?

Oh, obviously
I would pay you.

Nonsense! Working with ava st.
Clair would be payment enough.

Oh, wonderful.

Of course, I'd expect you
to cover my travel expenses.

Absolutely.

And I'd need a new suit

And some
walking-around money.

Are you sure you don't
want me to just pay you?

I will not take a dime!

Ow!

Crap.

Hey, dad,
dinner's ready.

That'll have to wait.

I've got big news.

If this is
an eczema update,

Ok, I'm still reeling
from last week.

No, no.

I'm getting married.

What? To who?

Miss ava st. Clair.

After her tour, we're
getting hitched in tahoe

And settling in her
house in rockland county.

Ok, dad. You're not
getting married.

Look,

I understand you're
threatened by

Another woman
in my life.

Ok, so, here's what
I need you to do.

I need you to take a
couple of your blue pills,

Go downstairs, and have
yourself a nice long nap,

And we'll talk
about this later, ok?

I'm a grown man!

Stop treating me
like a child!

Well, stop acting
like a child, ok?

There's no way I'm letting you get
married to somebody you just met.

I'm sorry, but you're
staying right here.

Unless...

You really,
really like her.

We can do it!

Huh?

We can move to the city!

What about arthur?
Remember him?

Old guy, smells like cheese,
even when he hasn't had any.

He's getting married.

To who?

To that woman who sings

That stupid
lollipop song.

She has a big house, and she's
letting him move in with her.

I'm telling you,
it's like fate!

Carrie, wait.

He's done this, like,
a million times before,

He moves out and then
he comes right back here.

He's like an old,
wrinkly boomerang.

No, it's different
this time, I know it.

Oh, why? Because he's
marrying a complete stranger?

D- do you even
know her name?

Of course
I know her name.

It's ava...
Ava something.

Oh, that's good daughtering
right there,

You don't even know
her last name.

I know what it's going
to be. Spooner.

Ha, come on, give me some
knuckles on that one, buddy!

Would you listen
to yourself?

Ok, look, doug, I talked
to her on the phone,

And she sounds like
a very nice woman.

You know, she was on
merv griffin times?

Now, do you think he'd have
somebody on the show that many times

If they were a bad person?

No.
No, baby.

Come on, I know you love
living in queens,

But you're going
to love the city.

It's like
a new adventure for us.

And guess what?

With the money we make
on selling this house,

You can finally
get your go-kart.

It's all
coming together!

Oh, I'm getting
that go-kart,

But we're
not moving anywhere.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm, uh,
here to see arthur spooner.

Oh, it's all right,
marta,

He's my son-in-law.

Oh, and, marta, could you
have nils bring the car around?

I have a yen
for frozen yogurt.

So, what brings you by?

Huh, it's just, everything
happened sort of fast,

And I just wanted to make
sure you were ok here.

You know, because you had it
pretty good back at our house.

I lived in
a cold, wet basement.

Yeah, but we got you
that space heater.

Which caught fire.
Yeah,

Because you dried
your socks on it!

Because they were
wet from the basement!

Ok!

We can go round
and round about this.

All right, the point is
pack your things.

You're coming home
with me. Let's go.

Douglas, I'm living
the life of riley here.

What's going on?

You want the truth?

The truth is...

Well, I miss you.

Really?

I had no idea
you felt that way.

It's because I'm
one of those people

Who keeps their feelings
bottled up.

But I can't
hide it anymore,

I- I need
my yahtzee buddy.

But the last time we played,
you shoved the dice in my mouth.

Sometimes
I love you so much

I gotta hurt you.

Well, I'm staying here.

But I'll try and carve out
some time for you on weekends.

You know what? That's not
good enough for me, arthur.

I want you to get your stuff
now. You're coming home.

I'm afraid that won't
be happening.

Oh, I'm afraid it will.
Oh, I think not!

All right,
listen to me, arthur.

All right,
for the last years,

I've had to watch you
chew your food

With your mouth open

And cut your toenails
on my bed.

All right, now you can
finally do some good for me.

So, you're coming
home with me.

You know, we can do this the easy way...

Or we can do this
the hard way.

Ok, what's that button?

Just letting
the nyack police know

That a big-boned intruder
is in my house.

Hey, hey, guys,

We're about
to have an open house,

You're gonna
have to scoot.

Really? 'Cause we had
no idea.

Yeah, that's funny.

I mean, because we were actually
thinking about buying a house.

Really?
Yeah.

I mean, it'd have
to be a really great deal

because we don't
really love the place.

i mean, we like it like it,

we just
don't love it love it.

Well, I would want you to
buy anything you didn't love.

So,
let's go.

Wait, c-can we at least
look around?

Ok, fine. But don't
do anything weird.

Isn't living
in the city delightful?

And our first cocktail
party, it's a hit.

Ok, I'm going to need
about more of these.

So, when I found out
ivana was having

Her fundraiser for
the hospital on friday,

I moved my auction for
the homeless to thursday.

Well played, carrie.

Doug, right?

Yeah. Hi, I'm tucker carlson.

I live right across
the hall.

If you ever want to swing
by and talk politics,

Door is always open.

No!

Doug, come on, get up.
Hmm?

Come on, people are
going to be

Coming through here
any minute, hon.

For what?

For the open house!

Carrie, listen,
I really think-

Oh, and look what I got.

Keys? To our apartment in the city.

I- I don't want to do it!

What?
I don't want to move.

Doug, what are
- you said you were ok with this,

That my dream
was your dream.

Yeah, I only said that

Because I knew
we couldn't do it

Because of your father.

Oh, god.

I can't believe
you would do this!

Look, carrie, if I had a magic
carpet I'd go back in time

And I'd do things
differently, but I don't!

Ok, magic carpets
don't go back in time.

Yes, they do.
No, they don't.

They take you from one
place to another, magically,

But they don't
go back in time.

Fine, fine, then I would
go in a time machine,

They go back in time,
don't they? Yeah-

Yeah, I guess they do,

And if I had one I would go
back before I even met you.

Hello!

This is the master.

You can see that there's
lots of closet space.

Is there
copper plumbing?

No, it's rusty lead.

Now, b*at it.
b*at it!

Look, doug,

I
- I understand you don't want to move to the city,

And I know why you
lied to me,

But this is
important to me.

And if there was something that
you dreamed of your whole life,

And I could give it
to you, I would.

That's perfect, carrie.

Because you know what
my dream is?

To live in a house without an
old man living in the basement.

Let's start there. What do
you say, dream weaver? Huh?

Oh, all right,
what are you doing?

Oh, ok.

Carrie, I understand,
ok, I get it, you're mad.

All right, you don't have
to fake pack.

Excuse me.

What's so great
about the city, anyway?

You know, it's crowded,
it's polluted,

and according to
the planet of the apes,

It's not going to be
there very long, all right?

So, what is that?
What are you doing?

You-you leaving me?

No, doug, I am moving to
our apartment in the city,

And I hope you join me.

Well, I'm not
going anywhere, ok?

In fact, I don't think I'm
ever leaving this bedroom.

You know what? Go.
I'm glad you're leaving.

Good,
I'm going.

Good.
Good!

Uh, carrie?

What?
Umm...

Could our inspector
come by tomorrow?

We're not selling!

Yes, we are.

At this point, I'd friggin'
give the house away.

Fine, go to your
fancy manhattan.

You know, and I'll be here,
keeping it real.

She'll be back
in - - - ...