07x01 - Lost Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Hey, what's up, man?
Hey, you guys remember Steve,

the guy I worked with
at the pizzeria?

No.
No.

Remember how he moved
to Vegas a couple years ago?

Yes, Danny.
I don't remember Steve,

but I have a very clear memory
of where he moved.

Well, the guy's
a real big sh*t now

and he works for a hotel that
looks like something in Europe.

Uh, a pyramid, I think.

And?

And he still has his classic
corvette garaged here in Queens.

He said if I drive it
out to Vegas for him,

he'll hook us up.
Free hotel, free food.

Are you serious?
Yes, yes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Is this for real, or is this
just another one

of your desperate ploys
to be liked?

No, this one's
totally legit.

Wait a minute. We don't have
to act as drug mules, do we?

I mean, I'll do it.
I just need prep time.

No, no, no.
This is no strings attached.

I pick up the car
on Tuesday,

I drive it out there.

You guys fly out and meet me.

Who's in?

I'm in.
I'm in.

Well, let's just say
I'm all in.

I just gotta
run it by Kelly.

Don't you have
to ask Carrie?

Actually, yeah, I do.

I don't have to ask anyone
permission.

That's why I'm single.

Yeah, that's why.

Are you sure you can
get this by Carrie?

I mean, she wouldn't even let
you buy those walkie-talkies.

Hey, that's not over,

and, yeah, I can handle Carrie
when I need to.

You know what? I gotta pick
her up at her salon at .

I'll just say somethin' like,

"Carrie, have I told you

you look even more beautiful
than the day I met you?"

She'll melt like butter,

and then it's hello,
angry drunken gambling.

Yes!

Carrie,
have I told you

you look even more beautiful
than the day I met you?

What's that?

You want me to go to Vegas
for the weekend?

Okay.

Double-stuffed apple pie.

I heard they were working
on something like that.

Yes, I'd like to try
your new double-stuffed

fudge-covered apple pie.

Will that be all?

You know, as long
as you got the grill on,

I'll take a double whammer
with cheese.

Come on.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, napkins.
Okay, yeah.

Uh, could we hurry
this up, please?

I- I really need
to get going.

Oh, the pie's
not ready.

They have to heat the fudge

because it's too thick to pour.

Too thick to...

I'll wait.

Hey. How's it going?

Where the hell
have you been?

There was a huge accident
way back.

Like, three tractor trailers

hit another tractor trailer.
It was, like, jackknifed,

and there were, like,
people lined up for miles.

And they, uh- The cops came
and it was a whole-

They gotta put in
a light over there.

What?

Is that fudge
on your face?

How the hell
did that get there?

Did you stop for fudge?

Have I told you
you're more beautiful

than the day I met you?

I can't believe you screwed up
our whole Vegas plan

for fudge.

Again, it was too thick

to pour.

I just bought a very expensive
neck pillow

and now I have nowhere to fly.
Thanks a lot.

Look, we can sit
around here all day

trying to decide
who's at fault, okay?

But I say we work
on a solution.

The solution was not to hit
the drive-through

and leave your wife
in the rain.

Yeah? Tell it
to the belly, okay?

Look, it's not that bad.
I didn't even ask her yet.

I just gotta figure a way
to get back on her good side,

build up enough credit so she
forgets the whole rain thing.

No, man, that just
gets you even.

You gotta earn extra credit
to get us to Vegas.

You know,
you might be right.

Gosh, I need something huge.

You know, something nice,
thoughtful.

Something sensitive.

Something almost gay.

What do you got?

Well,

you could take her
to a wellness spa.

That sounds pretty gay.

What is it?

It's a place where they
rejuvenate you

spiritually and physically.
I went to one in the Poconos.

They have a great
couples package.

Couples?

Well, not only couples
in a sense

of two married
or dating people.

It could be a couple
of friends, or uh-

Son and his mother.

We had separate beds.

That sounds like something
Carrie would love

and it would get you
the credit you need.

Yeah, it's just the whole idea
of wellness.

It just sounds wrong.

Ah. Hey, don't worry about it.

The wellness will bounce off you
like b*ll*ts off Superman.

You know what? You're right.
Three days at a wellness center

can't put a dent in me.

I use bacon
as a condiment.

Hey, Arthur.
Is Doug here?

No. He and Carrie
left for the weekend.

Oh, that's right. I was gonna
ask him something

about our Vegas trip.

You're going to Vegas?
Las Vegas?

Yeah.

I got a foolproof
card-counting system

to b*at the house
at blackjack.

Works every time.

If you've got this
winning system,

why do you still live
in Doug's basement?

Why haven't you paid me back
the $ you owe me?

You want
your filthy money, fine.

Let's settle this thing
once and for all.

You wanna learn
the system or not?

Yeah.

The fee is $ .

And this will be your living
space for the weekend

and you don't need a key.

Here at the Zen Wellness Center,
we don't believe in locks.

Oh. Maybe you should,

'cause it looks like
you've been robbed.

I gotta tell ya,
I ain't hatin' this.

So, uh, is the TV
in the other room,

or does it pop out
of something?

There's no TV.

We believe that
TV is the gateway

to negative thoughts
and sadness.

Not if you have
the football package.

Honey. You're gonna
love the bathroom.

They have a tub you can land
a plane in.

Ah. That sound like
a lot of fun.

So is the,
uh, TV in the bar?

We don't have a bar.

I need to speak
to your supervisor.

Well, here's a list
of our treatment options.

Have a wonderful stay.

Okay.

Okay, honey,

to avoid a repeat of
the honeymoon incident,

the second thing in there
is not a toilet.

It's a bidet.

Okay, thanks
for the heads-up.

You're gonna love this place.
Look at this.

Aroma therapy,
shiatsu massage,

and to bring it
all home,

colon irrigation.

How great
is this place, huh?

No, it's great.
It's pretty great.

Just one question, though.
What's goin' on?

What do you mean?

Well, the whole taking me away
to a spa for a weekend

doesn't really sync up

with the rest
of our marriage.

What, a husband can't do
something nice for his wife

just to do it?

Well, somethin's goin' on.
Oh.

I see.
Something's got to be going on

for me to do something nice?
Is that how it works?

Something's gotta be going on.

Look, Doug, I didn't mean it
that way, okay?

It's just, I'm surprised,
that's all.

Well, did it ever occur to you
that I'm trying

to be a better man?

A new and improved
Doug, huh?

You know what?
Just forget it.

Look, honey,
I just thought-

Yeah, it's pretty clear
what you thought.

Doug, I'm sorry, honey.

This was a very sweet thing
for you to do

and I love the new
and improved Doug.

Just trying to make you happy.
And I am happy. I am.

That's what
a relationship's about,

making each other happy, yeah?
Yes.

If something that made me happy,

I'm sure you'd want me
to do it.

Of course, I would.
Of course, you would.

These are the moments,
honey, we gotta remember.

The cards you wanna count are
the tens, jacks, queens, kings.

Okay, I got that.
So you can communicate

without arousing suspicion,
each card has a nickname.

Say hello
to Alfred Lord Tennyson,

Johnny Switchblade,

Mississippi Mabel,
and The Farmer in the Dell.

Aren't there shorter names
that make sense?

This is the system.

Why can't you be
more like Rain Man?

Oh- Okay, those-
Those names are fine.

Now, sometimes your eyes
can give you away.

So I want you
to wear these.

Why are you wearing
gym stuff?

They told me to when I signed up
for the men's package.

Oh, I signed up for
the relaxation package.

What's the difference?

Aagh!
Breathe, breathe,

Find your center.

I can't feel my center.

Mmm.

Oh, come-

Oh, come on.

Reach back and grab your heel.

Okay, and seven more.

Six, and five, and four,
and three-

You can do two more!
Come-

This better be good.

Hey, Doug, it's me.
How's the spa thing going?

It's brutal.
They're k*lling me here.

Come on.
It can't be that bad.

Tomorrow, I'm scheduled for them
to pour coffee

into a part of my body
where it doesn't belong.

I'm telling you, man,
I'm out of here.

But Danny's already driving.

You have to stick it out...

for Vegas.

I can't do it.

You can.
Now come on, man.

Gambling, buffets,
free drinks.

I just can't do it.

You know what I heard
just opened up?

A topless doughnut shop.

A topless doughnut shop?

Do they make 'em fresh?

Every hour.

All right.
I'm back in...

for Vegas.

May I take your car, sir?
Oh, hey.

Uh, yeah.
That'd be great.

How could you
possibly think

there'd be valet parking
at a diner in Kutztown, Ohio?

I have never been
to Ohio.

I don't know
the local customs.

I got all this credit
with Carrie

and nothin' to use it on.

Why don't you just save it
and put it in the bank

and use it
for another thing?

You can't put
wife credit in the bank.

Why not?
It's like a piece of fish.

As soon as you get it,
it starts going bad.

He's right.
With each passing minute,

Carrie's forgetting
all about that spa.

I gotta use that credit quick
or it's gonna be gone.

What do I wanna do?
What could be fun?

Help me find something fun.

Well, come on, look.
Um...

Oh, hey,
the Lipizzaner Stallions

are coming
to the equestrian center.

Great. You and Mommy
can have a good time.

What?
Ah. "Garfield. "

Hey, hey,
how about this?

Tony Orlando's doing a show
right here in Queens.

I'm just saying
the man had a lot of hits.

Still. Keep looking.

Phew.

Arthur, what are we doing here?

I thought you said we were gonna
go see the Lipizzaner Stallions.

We clean out this place,
you can buy

all the high-steppin'
horses you want.

This casino night
is for charity.

It doesn't feel right.

Look, you blew
your sh*t at Vegas,

but that doesn't mean all our
hard work should go to waste.

Now, let's light
this candle.

I read three books
by Alfred Lord Tennyson.

In one of them,
Mississippi Mabel

and The Farmer in the Dell
had a double date.

Hit me.

Twenty-one.
Another winner.

Spence Olchin,
is that you?

Oh, Father Sheehan, hi.

Why don't you take a break?
I'll deal for a while.

Haven't seen you in confession
in a while, Spence.

Uh, I've been
doing it online.

Ah. Blackjack.

Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah!

And the rich get richer.

Oh, God, I can't
take it anymore!

I- I've been cheating.
I've been counting cards.

Here, take my chips.
Please forgive me, Father.

Well, it appears
this seat is open.

I'm gonna need
a line of credit.

Kelly's lettin' you go?

All right. Well,
it's gonna be awesome, Deac.

I'm home.
Yeah, you know what?

Carrie's here.
Uh, I'll call you back

as soon as I get
the thumbs up.

Hey, there's
my special little gal.

That was Deac on the phone.
Oh, I had the worst day.

He just happened- Yeah.
Where's our aspirin?

Oh, good. Here it is.

What happened?

Ah, work was a nightmare,

and on the way home,
the subway stalled

and I was wedged up
against some guy

who was morally
opposed to showering.

So I just feel
pretty crappy.

Well, I don't want you
to feel crappy.

I want you to feel good.

You know, like you felt
when I took you to that spa.

Huh? Oh, right, that.
Compared to the day I had today,

the spa feels like
that was years ago.

Yeah, but it wasn't.

It was just
this past weekend.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we get you
back to that

relaxed spa frame
of mind right now?

No, honey, I just wanna
go upstairs and get the smell

of unwashed hippie
out of my nose, okay?

Come on. I'll just
give you a quick little massage

here on the couch.
It'll be nice.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sit right down.

Thank you, honey.

There you go.

Okay.

Oh, how does
that feel, huh?

Feels good.
Good.

This is really sweet of you.

No problem.
You know what?

I got another
surprise for you.

You remember that
Sounds of the Ocean CD,

the relaxation one
they had at the spa?

Oh, you got it?

Nope.

But I don't need it.

What the hell was that?

It's-
It's a beach cat.

That's right.
It's a beach cat. Relax.

It feels good, doesn't it?
Yeah. Honey,

I gotta tell you, you've been
really sweet lately.

I like the new
and improved Doug.

Well, you know what?
You deserve it.

Yeah? Well, how about
you come upstairs

and I show you the new
and improved Carrie?

Oh. All right.

Wow.

And, uh, how about tonight
we play

"High Society Lady
and Sweaty Cabana Boy?"

Really? But you said
what cabana boy wanna do

no es bueno.

Well, since you did
the spa thing for me,

I think I can
do this for you.

Since I did the spa thing.

No, wait!

I believe I asked
for a margarita

and a fresh towel an hour ago,
Pepe. Where are they?

I just don't think we should
do this right now, Carrie.

Okay, my name is not Carrie.

It's Penelope Van Smythe.

Now,

get on the lounge chair,

you filthy cabana boy.

Look, I just-
You know what it is?

I pulled a hammy on
the way up the stairs.

Okay, okay, I get it. I get it.
Come on, take a rain check.

You're puttin' up a fight.

Now, you stay
on this lounge chair,

or I will have you fired, Pepe.
Okay. You know-

I don't wanna do this.
Stop it. I-

Stop it!
What's the matter?

I don't wanna do it!
Why?

I don't wanna waste
my credit on sex!

What?

The credit I get for taking you
to the spa.

I wanna use it to go
to the Indian Casino

to watch the Ultimate Fighting
Championship this weekend.

Okay, let me see if I understand
this correctly.

You only took me to the spa

because you wanted
a credit

which you don't wanna waste

by having sex with me?

It sounds bad when you lay it
out like that.

Oh, my God, Doug!
I can't believe you!

There's no new
and improved Doug.

It's just the same old
selfish, lying Doug.

I like to refer to it
as "Doug Classic. "

Look, it doesn't matter
why I took you to the spa.

The point is,
you had a good time,

and I should
get credit for that.

Oh. Okay. Not only do you not
get any credit for the spa,

but you just forfeited
any possible credit

for years to come
for you and Pepe.

But I went through hell.
They put coffee in me!

And I hope
it was piping hot.

I deserve somethin'.

The man does have
a lot of hits.

Hey!

Blackjack.
You win again.

Well, looks like
you've cleaned us out.

I guess the orphans will have
to spend the summer in the city.

I'll take this in cash,
please.