07x02 - Dugan Groupie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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07x02 - Dugan Groupie

Post by bunniefuu »

You got the hiccups.

What gave me away?

The hiccups?

How about
I scare you?

Guaranteed
to get rid of them.

It's all right, Arthur.
I'm fine, thanks.

Okay,
suit yourself.

I just thought that-
Boo!

Okay, still have the hiccups,

and now there's tuna
on me.

Actually it's chicken
salad- Boo!

Stop!

Boo! Boo!
Stop it! Stop!

I'm trying to help!

I don't need your help,
all right?

So knock it off!
I'm sorry, Douglas.

I was merely trying
to repay you

for all the kindness
you've shown me.

But I clearly, uh,
overstepped my bounds.

Believe me,

it won't happen again.

Arthur, look,
I just wanted to-

You're welcome.

Well, there you go.

You drink it in, my little
meaty-weaty steakie-weakies.

Yes.

Daddy's gonna give you
a nice little bath,

and after your bath,
he's gonna cook you

and eat you.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Hey, honey.
Hey, there she is.

All right,
let's fire up the grill.

Doug-

Okay, now I'm in charge

of steak and potatoes,

so if you want
anything green,

that's all you.

Doug, stop.
What?

I can't do this tonight.
What do you mean?

I got stuck with this report,

and it's due in the morning.

Your idea was just
to have meat night,

and that was after
I bargained you down

from meat week.

Carrie, this is Kobe steak
from Japan.

I've been looking
forward to this.

I've rehearsed every chew.
I'm ready.

I don't know, honey.

What do you want me to do?
I have to work.

Well- Why are you bringing
work home with you anyway?

It just happened.

We were in a meeting
and Ms. Boone asked

if anyone had any suggestions

on how to lower
acquisition fees.

Don't tell me
you said something.

I just said maybe
we should research

out-of-state
escrow companies.

And then she said,
"Great idea, Carrie.

Why don't you take
the ball on this one?"

And you took it?

You never take the ball!

The ball's trouble.
It's always trouble.

I know,
but I had an idea.

You-? You had an idea?

Do you know how many times
I've had ideas at work,

ways to improve service,
improve safety,

prevent accidents?

But I keep my mouth shut.

Look,
how about this:

we let the meat
keep marinating,

and we'll have it
tomorrow.

Tomorrow? That seems
like a million years away.

And tomorrow it'll be
meat, movie, and me night, hm?

I still get the big steak?

Yes, honey.

Okay, well, what time
will you be home?

I'm not sure,
but I will call

as soon
as I'm on my way,

and that'll be your signal
to fire up the grill.

Okay.

Wh-what's
the signal again?

When I call, baby.
When I call, okay?

I read you. I got it. Yeah.
All right.

Hey, you get off of there.
Get off of there.

And let that go.
You let that go.

Relax, Douglas.
Bad!

I was just admiring
these two wonderful Kobe steaks.

Where's mine?

Well, if you have one,
it's still in Japan.

Always with the quips.

Seriously,
is it in the fridge?

No, just these
two steaks, Arthur.

Carrie and I were gonna have
a special dinner.

I see. And what was I supposed
to eat? Dog food?

No, lasagna
from last night.

Okay, I see how it works
around here.

Shove some leftovers
down the old man's throat,

then as soon
as his back is turned,

out comes the champagne
and caviar.

Okay, you know what,
Arthur?

It's one dinner. Just relax.
I will not relax!

What other luxuries do you
and Carrie keep hidden from me?

Nothing.

Ah-ha!

Why don't I have
any of this downstairs?

'Cause that's
dishwashing liquid,

and you don't have a dishwasher.

Exactly.

Check and mate.

Hey.

Ms. Boone said anything

about your report yet?

No, and she's had it
all day.

Well, that's not
necessarily bad.

Of course it's bad.

I know. I tried.

My husband told me
not to take the ball.

I should've listened to him.

He's a very wise man.

Well, I'm gonna head out.

I'm meeting
some of the girls

at T.G.I. Friday's
for Shrimp Fest.

I'll walk out with you.

I just gotta call my husband.

And tell him I'm on my way.
Okay.

Actually, you know what?

You go ahead.
I-

I gotta find out
what she thought of my report.

It's gonna drive me nuts.

Okay. Good luck.
Thanks.

Come in.

Uh, I was just, um,
headed out.

Oh, you're joining
the girls for Shrimp Fest?

Uh... no.

Actually, I just
wanted to, uh,

talk to you
about my report.

Oh, yes, your report.
Yeah.

Listen, I just think
you should know

that, uh, reports are really
not my thing, okay?

But I'm still
a heck of a typist,

and I could, uh,
file like the wind,

and your personal
errands,

my personal errands.

Carrie, your report
was excellent.

Really?
Yes.

You know, I had a good feeling
about it.

Good work, kiddo.

And, you know, any time
you have an idea,

I wanna hear it.

I really value
your input.

Wow.
What?

No, it's just
that I've never had

my input
valued before.

I'm surprised,

because you're obviously
talented,

and you've got
a lot of potential.

You know,

some of the partners
are coming down

for a conference call
with our Chicago branch

in about minutes.

We get a deli spread

and kind of make it
a working dinner.

You're welcome
to sit in if you like.

Really?
Unless you have to get home.

Home?

Um... no. No.
No, no.

Call, damn it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hello? Carrie?

Yeah,
listen, honey-


You're going
to sleep now.

And when you wake up,

you're gonna be
in my tummy.

And so will some of you.

What?

Look, don't hang up.

Is this part
of the signal?

No, listen,

I just found out
that I have to work late

again tonight.

No!

Honey, I'm sorry,

but my boss wants me
to stay

for an important
conference call.

Carrie, you promised we'd
do this tonight together. I-

Can't you just
get out of it?

I- I wish I could, but...

I can't.

What can I say?

I've got another
nightmare job, you know?

All right,
see you later.


Mine, one-ply.
Yours, two-ply.

Where's my second ply?

Arthur, you can have
a steak now, okay? You happy?

I'll be happy when I have
a roach motel

under my sink too.

All right, well, I already
pulled all the comps

for all the properties
in the areas.

I just need you to, um,
get the tax records, okay?

Oh, you already got them?

Oh, well, you're the best.
Thank you.

Listen, I'm sorry
I'm so hyper.

It's just my first time
as team leader.

Okay, bye-bye.

Team leader.

Yay, honey's home. Honey.

Hi, big guy. Come here.
Hey.

Oh, that's
the good stuff.

Okay.
Sorry I'm late again tonight.

Yeah, it's, like, uh,
been every night this week.

Yeah, I know.

That boss of mine
is k*lling me.

I heard you
on the phone there

talking about being
team leader. Yeah.

Huh? Oh, yeah, that.
Well, you know.

You know how what they say,

crap runs downhill?

Well, meet the bottom
of the hill.

Very unhappy about this.
Yeah.

I gotta tell you,

on the phone there,

you didn't seem
that unhappy.

Oh, well, that's just me
putting a good front,

you know,
for those idiots,

if I wanna keep my job,
you know?

'Cause if we didn't
have bills to pay,

pop-pop-pop-pop!

You know what I'm sayin'?
All right. Good night, baby.

Ah!

Whoa.

Oh.

Whoa.

Yeooh! Yeah!

Oh!
You know what?

This game
really blows, Spence.

No, it doesn't.

Danny and I were playing
in the apartment.

We had a lot
of fun, right?

Nah, it blew there too.

Guys, look,

you just gotta give it
a chance, get into it.

Ready? Look,
high pop fly. Whoo!

You- You guys never wanna
try anything new.

You didn't even give
Nerf Bowling a chance.

Yeah, sorry if I didn't
want to roll a sponge

into other sponges.

Why are you in such
a bad mood?

Look, I don't wanna talk
about it, all right?

You want one
of my neck rubs?

You want me
to leave?

It's not you guys,
all right? It's Carrie.

I mean, she's working
late every night.

Acting weird.
Sneaking phone calls.

You think she's cheating
on you?

No, I don't think
she's cheating. I think she...

likes her job.

And what's wrong
with that?

It's just not natural.
I mean, who likes their job?

I do.

Really?

You like working
in a subway token booth?

Yes, I do.
Didn't you tell me

someone peed under your door?

Yeah,
but it was a girl.

I had a job
I loved once.

I was a DJ
at a strip club.

If you loved it so much,
why aren't you still there?

Ah, apparently
some of the strippers

said I was making them
feel "uncomfortable. "

Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, where are you going?

I'm going
to spinning class.

I thought you were
going to the Mets game.

Oh, it doesn't start
till : .

Yeah, there's a ceremony
for a peanut vendor

who fell out
of the upper deck.

Pretty tough guy,
though.

He actually finished
his shift.

I'm just gonna
go to the gym

and then maybe a little
"shop till you drop. "

Charge it.
Okay, I'll see you later.

Car?
Yeah?

You look a little lumpy there.

Yeah, that's why
I'm going to the gym.

No, what do you got
going on under there?

What are you wearing?
Stop it.

You friends are here.

Oh, my God,
you've got work clothes on.

You're sneaking to work

on a Saturday.

I can't believe you!

Well, I wouldn't have
had to sneak around

if you had the decency

to go to that stupid
peanut vendor's tribute.

And after all the peanuts
you've eaten.

Look, Doug, the only reason
I was doing that

is because you've
been so upset

that I had to work
so much.

I didn't wanna upset you more.

That right?
Yeah, but if my boss says

I have to go to work
on a Saturday,

I have to go.
Okay,

you didn't have
to work.

You wanted to work.
Admit it.

You love your job.

Okay, yes, yes,
I love my job.

I knew it!

I love the people,
I love how I'm treated,

I love
that I'm on the coffee list.

I love everything
about it.

I don't even know you.

Why do I have
to defend myself?

I mean,
I should apologize

for being happy
at work?

Yes, 'cause while
you're at work,

I'm stuck here
with your father,

who by the way is now
demanding a diaphragm

for his nightstand.

Look, I know I've been
neglecting you,

and I feel bad,

but we're talking
about my career here.

Career? Ooh.

Somebody's got
a career now.

Oh, Her Majesty the Queen
has a career.

Queens don't have
careers, moron.

And you know what?

It would be nice if you could
stop for one second

and think about me here.

But I guess
that's just not

a Doug Heffernan
thing, is it?

So apparently
my tartar

doesn't need
to be controlled.

For your information,
I was thinking of you.

Oh, really?
How ya figure?

I just didn't want you
to get hurt.

You know what they say:

Goals plus time
equals heartbreak.

How would you know
anything about goals?

I do, okay?
Look- You know-

You don't think I could've
had a career?

I decided not to. And you know why? Why?

Because I thought
it was more important

to work on this.

Getting fatter?

No, our relationship.


Well, you've clearly done
a bang-up job on that.

Oh, okay, you know what?
That's it.

All bets are off.
What is that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you
what it means.

I'll stop
working on this

and start working
on my career.

That's right, my career.

Getting that big promotion,
moving up,

making the big bucks.

How would you like that, huh?

I would love that.

Oh, it's on, baby.

It's on!

Sir, you-? You got a moment?
Yeah, I know, Heffernan.

The machine's out of Milk Duds.
A guy's coming tomorrow.

It's not, uh...
It's actually not about that.

It's not?
What is it, then?

Where is
Doug Heffernan...

going?

You're going to, uh...

Brooklyn.

No, I meant
in my career.

You know, I've been here
like years,

and I just I think
I deserve the chance to-

To move up.

Heffernan,
last week I asked

if anybody wanted to apply
for assistant supervisor,

I believe that
your response was, uh...

You gotta- You gotta
relax your lower lip.

It's, uh...

Doug, just- Just go get
on your route, huh?

Look, sir, I'm gonna
level with you.

I'm gonna need you to give me
some kind of promotion here.

Why?

I had a big fight
with my wife

about her moving up
in her job

and I told her
that I could too.

Oh, you really painted yourself
into a corner on that one.

It doesn't even have
to be big.

Just something
I could take home

and, you know,
use to make her feel like crap.

Let me see.

Oh, well, you know,

the union says

gotta get somebody
to organize

the CPR and a safety program.

See, that would be great.

Can it have a title?

Uh, uh, uh,
how about safety monitor?

How about safety chief?

How about you get
your ass in your truck,

'cause I'm sick
of your face?

Safety chief.

Okay, tilt head back

and begin
chest compressions.

Damn it, Alvarez,
don't you die on me.

Oh, sure, there's no sex doll
for me, is there?

Okay, Arthur,
it's a CPR dummy.

You don't fool me.

Look at that lifelike skin,

those full, pouting lips.

Look, uh,
Carrie's not home yet,

so I sent out for Chinese.

Don't need it.

I'll be enjoying

a delicious Kobe steak,

one that you're not
getting a bite of.

Okay, you know what?
That's not Kobe steak.

Read the label,
you illiterate baboon.

One hundred percent Kobe beef.

Okay, you wrote that
with a ballpoint pen.

And you misspelled "beef. "

You're still not
getting any.

Hey, did I come home
a little early?

No, I was just
getting up to speed

on my new I.P.S.
position,

safety chief.

That's right,
safety chief.

Really?
Yep.

I'm in charge
of everything safety

and first-aid related.

All urine testing
goes through me.

All? Wow.

"Wow" is right.

I've been trying to get
ahead for like a day

and already I got this.

I'm gonna leave you
in the dust.

Look, Doug, I know
you only did this

out of spite toward me.

But whatever the reason,
I'm really happy

you're trying
to better yourself.

I just hope you keep it up.

Kids, I was cutting
the gristle from my Kobe steak,

and I seem to have
cut my thumb quite badly.

Oh, Dad, let me take a look-

Whoa, whoa, I will handle it.
I'm safety chief.

Come on, Arthur.
Come on, Doug-

Fine.

Okay, work this right out
right now.

Let me see here.

"Burns, choking,
lacerations. "

Where's cuts?

"Lacerations" is cuts.
Hey.

Handling it.

Got it.

Okay, here we go.

What are you planning
on doing, Douglas?

Okay, uh, let's see here.

It says to apply bandage
as shown.

Okay.
You have to disinfect it

before you put the bandage on.
Hey.

Don't you have
a team to lead somewhere?

Ow, you're making it bigger!

Would you-?
Relax, okay?

I'm just gonna get my tape.

Just hold that right there,
would you?

If I don't make it,

the box under my bed
belongs to a friend.

I swear.

All right,
enough of this.

No, I got it.
Okay.

I will handle it.
Ah, crap.

That's the wrong
stuff, okay?

It's the right stuff.

Okay, if it's the right stuff
give me some then,

'cause I need
a little over here.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry
I stepped in down there,

but it's just-
I didn't want my dad

to, you know,
bleed to death.

But that doesn't mean
you're not still safety chief.

I'm no safety chief.

They wouldn't
have given you that badge

if you weren't up
to the job.

They didn't give it
to me, all right?

I had it made
at a Kinko's.

All right,
what can I do

to get things back
to the way they were?

Hate your job.

Honey, I want to,
but I just don't.

Why does this
bother you so much?

It's just we've always been
people who work

'cause we had to work.

You know, we gave
hours a week to the Man

so we could spend the other
hours here, home, together.

Doug, a week
has more than-

Never mind.

Doug, just because
I love my job

doesn't mean I don't love
my time here with you.

Yeah, but...

when you come home
from a job you hate,

being with me is like
a step up, you know?

Now when you come home you're
like, "Hey, I'm home.

Oh, that's right.
This place sucks. "

Come on, that's crazy.
Whatever.

It's not your problem,
you know.

I'll have to get used
to you coming home

all happy and fulfilled
and on the coffee list.

Doug,
you're overreacting.

I'll always love
coming home to you.

And besides, being
on the coffee list is no treat.

They go to this really fancy
Italian restaurant

where the coffee's
really bitter.

Really?
I mean, the coffee's bad?

Yeah, really bad.

Wow.

I mean, coffee's
the first thing you have

in the morning,
so if that's bad,

that gets your day
off to a crappy start, huh?

Yes, yes,

a really crappy start.

That is too bad.
Yeah, it's the worst.

What else you got?

Um...

Oh, one of the drawers
on my desk sticks,

so I gotta yank on it,

and then the whole thing
comes out.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and then they hired this
new guy. Really sleazy.

He is always rubbing up against
me in the copy room.

That's awesome.
Yeah.

Listen, you're not
just saying this

to make me feel better,
are you?

No, no, I mean, the guy is-
Is a total perv.

His hands
are all over me.

It makes me feel dirty
and cheap and violated.

I love you.

Ahh!

Works every time.
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