07x04 - Entertainment Weakly

[bunniefuu]

All righty.

I'm thinking
something cocoa.

Oh, no.

Oh, for the love of Pete.

Don't panic. Don't panic. All
right. What else we got here?

Fiber, fiber, fiber.
Bran, bran.

Thank you, Arthur.

Okay. Keys.

Purse.

Sunglasses.
Okay, bye, honey.

Sweetie, uh...

trying to keep it
together here,

and know that
I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at the situation.

We're out of Cocoa Puffs.

So? There's a whole cabinet
full of cereal there, hon.

Thank you,
but I'm plenty regular. Um...

See, you told me
if I wanted something

to put it on the shopping list,
which I did.

If you can look here, see?
Cocoa Puffs, four boxes.

I'm doing my part.

I'm just not understanding

where we're going
off the tracks.

Let me tell you
something, Doug.

I had a total
of four hours sleep,

and that's because I spent
the other hours

working on three
different projects.

And it's all stuff
that I haven't done before,

so if I hear the words "cocoa"
or "puff" one more time,

you will be eating
my fist for breakfast.

I'm just saying
the list was your idea.

All right, g*ng,
it's story time,

so cell phones off,
Heffernan on.

All right, you know that guy
I'm delivering to,

the guy who's
becoming a woman?

Well,
the beard is still there,

but as of yesterday,
the boobs are in.

Big ones?

No. He went small and perky.

Damn. If you're gonna do it,
how do you not go huge?

Exactly. I mean, I'm a B cup,
and I've done nothing.

he's squeezing 'em together,

and leaning in, and I'm giving
him nothing, you know?

Hey, guys, I want to introduce
you to, uh, Tim Murphy.

Hey.
What's up, man?

Guy, what are you doing?
I'm in the middle of my story.

I'm just introducing
my new trainee.

You're training somebody?

What's your
first lesson gonna be,

how to drive a -foot truck
under a -foot underpass?

All right. The sign was covered
with ivy, all right?

It was, like, a year ago.

When are you
gonna let that go?

Probably when somebody does
something stupider, so never.

Hey, but at least he got
to drive back to the depot

in a convertible.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Hi. I'm Michelle.

They sent me
from upstairs.

I just told Patty that
the specs aren't ready yet.

Oh, no.

I'm your assistant.

My what?

Your assistant?

No, I don't...
have an assistant.

I am an assistant.

Miss Boone said you could use
some extra help.

Okay.
Is this a practical joke?

Did Debbie put you up
to this because I said

her ankle boots
made her look slutty?

No. Here's
the assignment memo.

Mm. So you're
really my assistant?

Yes.
So what can I do for you?

Um, okay, hold on.
I'm new at this.

I'll find something. Um...

Looks like you could
use some more coffee.

Yes. Yes,
I should've thought of that.

Yeah. Cream and sugar.

Okay.
Okay.

And make it snappy.

I'm kidding.
I was just doing a thing.

Oh yeah.
Nah.

Okay, so I'm looking at him,

and I never thought I'd
say this to another man,

but I was like,
"dude, you gotta put on a bra. "

You know,
either that or go up a button,

'cause it's so annoying.

Speaking of annoying,
we had that guy,

sounded like
Gilbert Gottfried:

You want me to sign this? Okay.

Should I have
a lawyer present?

The thing is,
I don't trust you people.

That's the deal.

That was a good
impression.

Yeah, that was a real treat.
All right, anyway, uh...

So the guy's staring at me-

Who else
do you do?

Can you do Eartha Kitt?

You guys like Adam Sandler?

All right. Here's
some Adam Sandler for you:

Hey, uh, you guys
are very nice people.

I've had a great time,
uh, on my first day.

I just don't know
what I.P.S. stands for.

I think it stands for

Immature People Sitting
around doing nothing.

Hee-hee-hee,
hoo-hoo-hoo.

That is dead on,
man.

Oh, thanks, buddy.
You're too kind. Danke.

What's that? Lunch Thursday?
I don't know.

I'm gonna have to check with
my assistant. Tell you what,

why don't you have your
assistant call my assistant?

What's that?
You don't have an assistant?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Hey, honey.

Remember last week,
I made that delivery

and that little dog bit my ankle? Doug,

you are not gonna believe what
happened to me at work today.

They gave me an assistant.

That's great. Nobody deserves
it more than you.

Now... what's a funnier
animal than a dog?

What are you talking about?

I need a great story
to tell the guys tomorrow,

so I need a funnier animal.

I don't know.
Just name an animal.

All right. An eagle.

Okay. Uh...

you wanna explain to me how
an eagle's gonna bite my ankle?

You know what, Doug?
I don't have time for this.

Why don't you call my assistant

and set up a meeting.

I got it. Would it be okay
if I told that story

about when you got
the ultrasound of your ovary?

No, you cannot tell that story.
What are you, an idiot?

Come on.
It looked like Shrek.

Okay. I delivered the TRDs
to the third floor,

picked up
the lease applications,

and here's your fruit salad,
no grapes.

Wow. That was
a productive minutes.

So what should I do now?

Damn it. All right,
here's something you can do.

Get me a pair of work boots

so I can kick the crap
out of this computer.

Anything I can help with?

Oh, no.
These are budget breakdowns.

They're pretty complicated.

I've done those before.
Let me take a look.

Okay.

You know, you should
do it in two columns.

It's much faster.

Oh. Like that?

No. It's actually
more like this.

Okay. Then you just cut
and paste, and hit control-k,

which brings you
to the bottom line,

which gives you
your total.

Huh.

And then you just
drag and drop the tax rates

and you're finished.
Oh.

You want me to do
another one?

Yeah. Why don't you just go
ahead and try a few more there.

All right. I'm glad
you're all gathered,

'cause you're about to
hear the tale of a driver,

a swollen ankle,

and get this,
an iguana.

Hey, Doug,
you mind?

Uh, show's about
to start.

What show?

Hoo-ah.

I hope you boys are ready

for retired Colonel Frank Slade,

reporting for duty. Hoo-ah.

Hey, that's, uh, that's pretty
funny. How old is that movie?

Was it, like,
early ' s or something?

You're overthinking,
Heffernan.

Just enjoy it.

Hey, guys, guys.
Watch this.

All right. Christopher Walken
as an I.P.S. driver. Go.

All right.

Listen...

the address on your
package is smudged.

Is that a two or a seven?
I don't know.

It's a quandary
that's perplexing me. Come on.

Finally some real laughs
around here.

Danny, can I-

Ah. What can I do you for?

You know lunchtime is my time.

Why are you pushing the new guy?

You wanna know why?

Because the sign

was covered with ivy.

So that's what
this is about?

Yeah, it is. Yeah. See,
Tim doesn't take sh*ts at me.

There are no victims
in his comedy.

It just makes you feel good.

Hey, did I ever tell you
Carrie's ovary looks like Shrek?

That's your wife, man.

Why would you tell me
something like that?

'Cause it's funny.

Hey, Carrie, we're heading out
for happy hour.

You wanna come?
Oh, thanks.

I'm pretty swamped here.

Oh, too bad. It's dollar
sh**t at Tooty McGee's.

Maybe next time.

Okay.

Carrie, I could finish these
if you wanna go.

Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.

Could I?

I'd be happy to.

Really? Okay, thanks.
Hold up, Lisa.

Hey, baby.

I got taquitos for dinner.
Is that okay?

Taquitos give me gas...

So you gotta ask
yourself one question.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Why are you
calling me "punk"?

I'm doing an impression
of somebody.

Who? My dad?

No.

My friends
call me Clint.

Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood.
How do you not get that?

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.
I had five sh**t.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry to
bother you there,

but, uh, you said

you had, uh, five sh**t,

and there were six sh**t
at the crime scene.

That's all I'm saying.

Why are you
talking like that?

You mean, why am I talking
exactly like Columbo?

What are you doing?
I don't know.

Why don't you ask Dee
from What's Happening?

Ooh, you in trouble, Raj.

I'm tellin' mama.

Now you're just
creeping me out.

The thing is,
Danny's new trainee.

He does all these impressions,
and the guys love it.

I don't know. It's just that
I'm the funny guy at work.

Really?

Yes.

Forget it, all right?

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

No, I mean, you are funny.

That's one of the reasons
why I fell in love with you,

because you always
make me laugh.

But not by doing
lame impressions.

Just by being yourself.

Maybe- Maybe you're right.

So, Warren,

how was your day?

Well, today I delivered
to a lumber yard.

Whoa.

That- That sounds pretty cool.

Yeah.

It was like going
to a family reunion.

Get it?
Because I'm made of wood.

Wood lumber yard.

What else is in the news?

This is physically painful.

Okay. Here are
the budget breakdowns.

Ah. Great job.

That's what I'm here for.

Yeah?

Here are
the budget breakdowns.

Great job.

That's what I'm here for.

You know, Carrie, you've always
been a good assistant,

but lately, the quality of your
work has really skyrocketed.

It's like all of a sudden,
you get it.

Yeah. I feel like I get it.

Hey, Deac, tomorrow
at lunchtime,

round up the guys,
'cause the Amazing Flame-o

is gonna be spittin' fire.

Doug-
No, it's easy.

I just coat my mouth
with lighter fluid,

then it's like:

That's entertainment.

All right, brother.
Sit down.

Why?
Well, we need to talk.

Now, what's up
with you, man?

Just the new driver, Tim.

I mean, everyone knows
I'm the funny guy around here,

but then he comes
in with his impressions,

and he just
steals my thunder.

It's messed up.
You know what I'm saying?

You know,
I- I'm pretty funny.

What?

Well, you said
you were the funny guy,

but, you know, I get some laughs
around here, too.

Maybe nervous ones.
You're like seven feet tall.

At least I didn't go out
and buy myself a puppet.

I didn't buy it.
It's a rental, Lurch.

Hey, my boy Tim
just radioed in.

He's on a record pace for Zone . Yeah?

Fast and funny. Ha ha.

And you might want to be here
when he gets back.

He's gonna do a medley
of every Baldwin brother.

Cool.

Zone , Zone ,
come in, Zone .

Dispatch for Zone .

Yeah. Go, dispatch.

Yeah. Murphy, got a couple late
night pick-ups for you.

Uh, first I'm gonna need you
to go into Manhattan,

Uh, MacDougal Street.

Then you gotta come back out
on the Triborough Bridge,

and head on over to LaGuardia.

Okay. What terminal?

Air...

Jordan.

Uh, dispatch, that routing
sounds a little off.

Oh, that routing sounds a little
off? Does it sound a little off?

Let me tell you something there,
Murphy.

You've been working here a day.
I've been here for years.

Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry.

That's all right, kid.
I know you're nervous.

Now, how familiar
are you with New Jersey?

So, Danny,
where's your, uh, trainee?

He'll be here.
Really?

Well, it looks like Rich Little
is Rich Little late.

It looks like
his next impression

is gonna be of a guy
looking for a new job, right?

Yi-e-yi.

Would you like paper or plastic?
Yi-e-yi.

Hey, I ever tell
you guys the story

of a hot cup of coffee,
a giant pothole,

and a scar down south?

Hey, guys, a call just
came in about Tim. He's, uh-

He's what? He's lost,

and he's calling his mommy
to pick him up?

Nah. He's in the hospital.

Huh? What happened?

He was somewhere in Jersey,
and he got jumped.

Why the hell
was he in Jersey?

I don't know,
but some guys

pulled him out of his truck
and b*at him pretty severely.

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, morning, Miss Boone. Um-

I've got a project
I'd like you to take a sh*t at.

It's normally
something I'd handle,

but you've proven
you're up to the challenge.

What do you say?

Uh, well...

Bring it on.

Great.
Okay.

Sorry I'm late,
Carrie,

but I-I-I
just found out

my boyfriend's been
transferred to Denver.

Oh, you poor thing.

Would getting right to work
take your mind off of it?

No. I- I'm going with him.

We're planning
on getting married,

so I'm sorry,

but Friday's gonna
have to be my last day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back it up.

Why? What's wrong?

Do you even know this guy?
I mean, where'd you guys meet?

In ninth grade.

Ninth grade?
Now, what is this,

an arranged marriage
by the village elders?

You gotta play the field
a little bit, you know?

I don't wanna play
the field.

You know, um, I didn't want
to have to tell you this,

but remember when
you brought him here?

He hit on me.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just- I just don't
want you to get hurt.

You know what
doesn't hurt?

A hard day's work.

You know, Carrie, I've got a lot
of sick days saved up,

so I think I'll use them
and make today my last day.

Okay. I'm gonna level
with you, all right?

Um, I've been given
an incredible opportunity

based on your talent
and hard work.

So how about this?

Stay, and I'll give you
the big desk.

Huh?

Bye, Carrie.

Okay, fine, go.

I think I can handle my work
on my own, thank you.

No idea what I'm
looking at here.

That's it.
They pull me out of my truck,

I turn into Sam Kinison.
I'm sittin' there goin':

You know, I don't think there's
anywhere on this route

where I was supposed
to pick up a b*ating. Oh.

Ohh.

You jerks.

Oh, man.
Half dead

and he's still slaying us.

We love you, man.

What were you doing
in Jersey, anyway?

Dispatch sent me.

But I guess some guy was playing
a joke on me, so...

Some joke.
What a jerk.

Can you believe that?

Listen, we're gonna
let you get some rest.

All right.
You're an inspiration.

Thanks for coming.

Feel better, brother.
Thank you.

Take care.
Thank you so much.

All right,
I'll talk to him.

You're still going to hell,
but give it a sh*t.

Hey, man, what have you-

You got there, a sprain?

No. It's a shattered elbow and
my ligaments are all torn up.

But, uh, they're gonna give me
a year of physical therapy,

and I'll get back
to about percent mobility.

Sixty?

That's great.

Hey, when you hit , sell.

Um...

Look, Tim,
this is all because of me.

What do you mean?

It was me on the radio.
I- I sent you to those places.

That was you?
Yeah, but I swear to you,

I never meant
for you to get hurt.

I was just trying
to get you fired.

What did I do to you?

Well, you were gettin'
laughs at lunch.

So?

So, it's just that...

I'm the funny guy at lunch.

Really?
Yes.

Why is everybody
fighting me on this?

Anyway, it was a really stupid
thing to do,

and I'm so, so sorry.

I would totally understand if
you reported me to Mr. O'Boyle,

and had me stuck
on the night shift,

but I think I know
a cool guy when I see one.

Senor Doug.

Huh.

They finally cut
the ivy off that sign.

Oh, great.