07x07 - Silent Mite

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
Post Reply

07x07 - Silent Mite

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, perfect timing.
I'm just about to plug her in.

Oh, okay, good.
Fire her up.

And let there
be light.

Wow,
that's... festive.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Huh?

All right.

Seventy-nine more to go.

I see my timing is perfect.

I spent the day
at the senior center,

crafting a one-of-a-kind
ornament for our tree.

Okay.

What is this?

It started out as a coffee mug.
It became a reindeer.

Hang it up, please.

No. It doesn't look
like a reindeer.

It looks like something
a reindeer left behind.

Don't push me
during the holidays.

Doug,
just do what he says.

Carrie, this thing's a brick.
It'll drag the whole tree down.

Hang it up or I'll bust
this angel wide open.

Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.

So help me, I'll do it.

You do Vixen here

is coming
right at your head!

You what?
Yeah? Try me!

All right, the both of you,
stop it! Stop it!

Where is your Christmas spirit?

Now, Dad,
I will find

a prime place for this
on the tree, okay?

Now, hand over
the angel,

nice and slow.

This isn't over.

So, what's
the deal?

Can we, uh,
go home yet or what?

No, honey, we have to finish
our gift list.

We don't need a list.

I can get all our shopping
done in an hour.

Honey, I saved very carefully
this year

so everyone
would get a nice gift.

Last year, you did all
your Christmas shopping

Not everyone. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Your mother did get a bottle
of herbal trucker's speed.

Hey, she painted our garage
in under an hour.

Okay, look, I need you to finish
paying for this stuff,

and then I need you
to go next door to buy these

at Leather World.

Leather World. Kinky.

Yeah.

Winter gloves.
Real kinky.

Winter sex gloves.

All right, I'll meet you
back here in a half-hour, okay?

All right.
All right.

Excuse me?

Oh, yes?

Sorry to bother you,
but, uh...

I can't decide which one
of these sweaters to buy.

Oh, okay, well,
first off, who's it for?

My sister
and she's very picky.

Okay, well...
You know what?

I would go with the black one
because she can wear it to work,

and then she can wear it
for goin' out at night.

You know,

I almost went
with the brown one,

because when you held it up,

it really brought out
your eyes.

Oh...

That's so sweet.
Thank you.

And you're very beautiful.

Hey, babe,

what's up?

Hi.

Yeah, just shoppin'
with my three favorite people:

my wife, my love
and my lady.

Okay. Yeah? How about you?

Ya got everything
you need?

Uh, yes,
looks like I do.

Hm.

Well... thanks again.

Oh,
you're welcome.

Happy holidays.
Mmm.

What is the matter
with you?

He was hittin' on you.

You don't have to be
so rude to him.

Hey. Guy hits on my woman,
I'm gonna throw down.

Really? How come you didn't
do anything to that bank teller

when he asked me out
last week?

'Cause he was
almost my height.

May I help you?
Oh.

Yeah, I don't think
this is the right size.

You know, I am looking at you,
and I am thinking,

a Guiseppe Gimali,

three-quarter length
leather duster.

Didn't understand a word
you just said.

Shall I ring up
those gloves?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.

Will that be
cash or charge?

Charge.

You lost
your wallet?

It looks that way.
Are you sure?

I won't be positive
until I shower tonight,

but I think it's gone.

Well, the leather store
was only feet away.

So it's gotta be somewhere
between here and there.

Actually, I may have made
a couple stops

before the leather store.

Okay, so where
did you go first?

Well, first I went right here
to Paws and Claws.

Paws and Claws?

Yeah,
the pet store.

Why? What did you do
in the pet store?

Held a puppy.

And then you went
to Leather World?

No, then I went
to Barnes & Noble

to look up dog names,
in case you let me get a puppy.

I like Hondo.
What do you think?

Anyway, uh...

Then I went
to the second level,

where I tried on sunglasses,
sat in a massage chair

and watched a little bit
of the teen fashion show.

It's pretty cool,
'cause I could see it

from the massage chair.

Then I went over here
to Lady Foot Locker.

Why?

I saw Céline Dion
in there.

Oh, okay, Céline Dion
shops at Lady Foot Locker?

No.
Céline Dion

works
at Lady Foot Locker.

Anyway,
it wasn't her.

Okay,
you know what?

Please, let's just
retrace your steps

and maybe we can find
your wallet.

Cool.
I'll show you Hondo.

I cannot believe
I lost it.

I mean,
my driver's license,

my insurance card,
my gym membership.

Yeah, without that
and your library card,

how will you live?

I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.

Yeah. Along with the other
five wallets that you've lost.

Including the one
that was chained to your pants.

I still can't figure
that one out.

I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.

Okay,
you know what?

Let's just cancel
your credit cards

and try to enjoy
the holidays, okay?

So it was just the Visa
and the Amex, right?

Yeah, and, uh,

some other ones.

What other ones?

Well, every day they send me
these applications in the mail.

Sign up for a Jets card
and get a free Jets hat.

Sign up for a Knicks card
and earn Knick bucks.

What the hell
are Knick bucks?

I don't know,
but if I get , of 'em,

I get a free hat.

Doug, I accept the fact that
I'm the responsible one, okay?

I do all our finances,
I plan for our retirement,

I check us both
for lumps,

and I real-
I don't expect you to help me,

but now you're just
actively screwing me over.

I just don't understand this.

I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.

I put my wallet back,
and I-

Wait a second.

That guy-
That guy, he picked my pocket!

What guy?

You know.

Little Romeo.

Oh, my G-
Okay, Doug.

You have tried to blame
your stupidity on other people,

but this-
This is just sad.

No. I'm tellin' you,
he took it.

Oh, you just have it in for him
'cause he was hitting on me.

Maybe he was hitting on you
just to create a diversion

so he could grab
my wallet.

Oh, please.

Right, what was I thinkin'?
I mean, he had to be

hittin' on you
'cause you're so damn hot.

Okay, you know what,
Doug?

I don't want you to buy me
a gift this year, okay?

All I want
for Christmas

is for you to stop acting
like a big baby

and grow up.

No. I gave you that
last year.

Now,
if I cancel my credit card,

do I still get to keep
the Knick bucks?

I do? Great! Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.

What the hell's goin' on?

Danny and I just got att*cked

by a bunch of kids
throwin' snowballs.

Where's Danny?
He's not here?

I thought
he was ahead of me.

Cut it out!
Just quit it!

Where'd ya go?

Once they ran out
from behind the station wagon,

it was every man for himself.

Aw, man, that Chinese kid's
got an arm.

Okay, guys,
so, what's the plan now?

Are you gonna hang out here
till the streetlights come on?

We're on our way to Cooper's
to catch the second half

of the game.
Get your coat on.

Nah. You know what?
I pass.

Come on, -for- pitchers.
Yeah, come on.

It's all right, man.
I'm not goin'.

Why not?
'Cause I'm not.

Why not?
Becau- I-

I spent my allowance
already, okay?

What?

Carrie and I got into a fight,
all right.

And to teach me a lesson,
she-

- put me on an allowance.

Why don't you sell
your bike?

That's pretty tough talk
comin' from a guy

who just got chased
into my house by a -year-old.

It was
five -year-olds.

And three of them
were guys.

Well, I'm not goin',
so go-

Go to Cooper's
and have a good time.

Aw, all right.

Hey, let's-
Let's go out the back door.

Oh, good idea.

We'll grab some
garbage-can covers,

use them as shields.
Oh, good idea.

Hello?

This is he.

Yes,
that is my credit card.

Are there any charges
on it?

Really?

Really?

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Columbo.

How's the, uh,
manhunt goin'?

Oh, I just got a call
that blew this case wide open.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hm.
Here are some charges

that were just made on one
of my missing credit cards.

Read 'em and weep.

Pablo's Tailor Shop.

Yeah.
Now, tell me,

what kind of a guy goes
to get his clothes altered?

You.

I mean, I've let your pants out
so many times,

the tailor invited me
to his daughter's wedding.

Okay, fine.

But
how do you explain these?

The boys' department at Saks,
huh?

Island Minigolf.

Which is like regular golf
for him.

And The Ladder Store.

That's right,
The Ladder Store.

Now,
who needs a ladder?

Um, a contractor,
a painter, a tree trimmer,

a window washer.

That's just to name a few.

It's him,
and you know it is.

No. What I know
is that you're a screwup,

who just cost himself
next week's allowance.

You just can't face the fact
that he was after my wallet.

He was trying to get
in my pants, not yours.

Just cost yourself
another week, buddy boy.

You- You are livin'
in a fantasy world, okay?

Because I got enough proof,
and I'll tell you what,

I'm goin' to the cops.

Okay,
I don't have a license,

so I'm gonna need you
to drive me.

Mr. Heffernan?

Detective Perry said
he'll be just another minute.

Why are they makin' us
wait so long?

I don't know,
Doug.

They're probably all
wastin' their time

on some pesky m*rder.

Boy, you got some sass,
mujer.


Mr. Heffernan?

I'm Detective Perry.


Hey there.
How ya doin' there?

I understand, uh,
someone stole your wallet.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh,

go ahead and tell the detective
who did it?

Uh, yeah, I-
I was shopping,

and this guy was talkin'
to my, uh, wife,

and he- He-
He took it.

What'd this guy
look like?

Oh, just-
White guy.

Uh, spiky hair.

Probably in his s.
Yeah, that's the guy.

Hey, honey, could you
be any more specific?

Yeah, did he have any
distinctive characteristics?

Anything unique that would
help us ID him. Anything.

Distinctive...

Let's see.
He was, uh...

Uh, dressed very nicely.

I think he was wearin'
some kind of cologne.

He was a midget, and, uh...

I think
he was wearin' jeans.

Uh, I'm sorry.
What did you say?

Jeans. I think
he was wearing jeans.

Before that
you said something.

Oh, uh,

he was a midget.

I'm not catching this.

He was a midget.

He was in what?

He was-
I can't-

Mr. Heffernan-

He's a midget!

I'm sorry. I know
that's not the right word.

Okay.
No offense. I-

Why would I take offense?

I'm not sayin'
that you're a-

You're a-
You know-

A midget?

No. You're way past
the cutoff, right?

Well, well,

who put a lump of coal
in your stocking?

It's nothin'.
It's just...

This little person
stole my wallet,

and nobody believes me.

Oh,
the little people.

So small yet so cunning.

Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks
I got it in for this guy

just 'cause he hit on her.

Well, we all know her taste
in men runs to the extreme.

What makes you so sure
it's him?

Look at the charges
on my credit card.

Why,
any fool could tell

these are the charges
of the tiny.

Exactly.
I mean-

You're the only one
who believes me.

Great.

This is no time
for self-pity.

There's a criminal
on the loose.

We'll call these stores
and see if anyone remembers

who used your card.

Y- y-you think someone will?

I worked in retail.

If a little person
walked into my shop,

it was all I could
talk about for years.

Appreciate you
driving me, Arthur,

but, uh, could you
speed it up a little?

I follow
the rules of the road.

Okay, we just got passed
by a shopping cart.

Come on.

Are you sure
this is a strong lead?

Positive.

The Ladder Store said,

"A little fella by
the name of Doug Heffernan

just bought himself
a step stool. "

She also said
she remembers him saying

that it was for his job
at the mall.

You know,
we're quite a team.

Like Jake and the Fatman.

Needless to say,
I'm Jake.

There's just one more person
I need to invite to the party.

Hey, Car, it's, uh, me.
It's, uh...

Let's see. It's : now.

Do me a favor.
Meet me at the mall ASAP.

I got a little surprise
for ya.

Little surprise.
Marvelous.

How are we gonna
find this guy?

There's, like,
a million people here.

Vigilante justice
takes patience, Douglas.

Hey, do you see
what I see?

The Panda Express?
Because I could eat.

No, that elf over there.
That's the guy.

All right,
hand over my wallet.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I-

I thought you were this
other guy who stole my wallet.

Oh, ho, ho. I get it.

Because I'm black.

No, no, no, no.
Not 'cause you're black.

'Cause you're a-
A little person.

Oh, so now all little people
are thieves?

No, that's not
what I'm sayin'.

How would you feel
if I walked around sayin',

someone stole my donut,
it must have been the fat guy.

Whoa!
Where'd my Christmas ham go?

Gee, I wonder.

All right, all right,
all right, all right!

You made your point.
I'm sorry, man. Jeez.

That's right!

You better leave, tubby.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I know
it was you!

Don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah? You stole my wallet,
and you used my credit cards.

I wrote down all the charges
right here.

All right, I did it,
but it serves you right.

What are you
talkin' about?

I was having a nice conversation
with your wife,

and you came over,

and you made me feel
like garbage.

So I just grabbed your wallet.

Careful, Douglas.
He's cornered.

There's no telling
what he might do.

Look, I got the situation
under control.

Why don't you go
to Panda Express?

I could eat.

Look, even if what you say
is true, okay,

it doesn't give you the right
to steal my wallet.

You're right.

Why do I do these things?
I mean...

I've really made a mess
of my life.

I can't hold down a job
or make a marriage work,

but when it comes
to screwin' up,

man,
I'm the all-time champ.

All right, tell you what.

Just, uh...
give me back my wallet,

and we'll just forget
the whole thing.

Really? You're not
gonna call the cops?

Nah.

Here. All the credit cards
are in there.

You can count 'em if you want. No.

That's all right.

Merry Christmas.

You too,
Douglas Steven Heffernan.

Doug?

Hey, uh...
I can explain.

You don't have
to explain anything.

That was a very nice
thing you did.

You're still a big baby, but...
you're a sweet big baby.

So we, uh...

We're good?

We're good.
Just hang on one second.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I ask you
a question?

Sure.

You were...
hitting on me, right?

I mean, that wasn't just
part of your scam

to get the wallet?

Are you kidding?

You're an A- piece of tail,
honey.

Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.

Now, get the hell
outta here.

We can go now?
Yes.

Guess I owe you
an apology.

Actually, I owe you
an apology too.

He's actually an okay guy.

Mr. Heffernan,

welcome
to the Maui Paradise Resort.

And how will you be paying
for your stay?
Post Reply