07x11 - Pour Judgment

[bunniefuu]

Oh, that's, uh-
That's my pillow.

What?

That pillow behind you.
That one-

That one's mine.

Well, there's two perfectly good
pillows right there.

No way.

This one's too puffy,
and this one's too flat.

Can I have my pillow, please?
I need it.

It's perfect
for my special head needs.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm all set up here.

So why don't you lay
your special head

on one of these pillows,
close your eyes

and fall asleep.

Okay, is that what you think
happens here every night?

I just... close my eyes
and fall asleep?

Yeah.

That's pretty much
how it goes down.

Okay, Carrie,
that is my pillow,

and I want her now.

And I am telling you, Doug,

that I'm... not... moving.

I don't care.

Yeah.

You know what?

You are such a baby.

Yeah?
Here, here, here.

And now I'm gonna
sleep like one too.

Actually, I think
that's my pillow,

right there.

Gin rummy, you and me,
right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

I have to finish
this report.

You can keep dealin'.
I'm still not playin'.

Dad, if you have nothing to do,

why don't you go down
to the senior center?

No. Not as along as
George Barksdale is president.

He picks the movies,
he picks the pudding,

and if ya cross him, good luck
in getting a bingo card.

Well, if you're so unhappy,

why don't you
just say something?

The last guy who did that

I'm tellin' ya
I gave it back to you.

No, you didn't.

You came a long way
for some humble pie.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Car.
Hey.

Deacon seems to think we have
his Earth, Wind & Fire box set.

Now, you haven't seen it,
right?

Yes. It's right there
on the bookshelf.

I told you
to give it back to him.

Thanks.

Okay, was, uh...

this not clear to you?

Anyway,
I'm gonna head out.

What ya talkin' about?
We were gonna watch the Knicks.

I gotta get up early
to take

that personnel evaluation test
at work.

No- No, they didn't tell you?
It's- It's optional.

I know.
I'm still taking it.

Okay, do you know
what "optional" means?

I don't wanna be a driver
my whole life. Here's a chance

for me to improve myself
and move up in the company.

I think I can get up
an hour earlier for that.

Yeah? Well,
while you're improving yourself,

I'll be laying in bed holding in
a bladder full of pee.

What's this test
Deacon's talking about?

It's nothin'.

He said it can help you
move up in the company.

How come
you're not taking it?

Does anybody know
what "optional" means?

It's not
for a specific promotion.

It's just some kind
of general aptitude thing.

Oh, I see. So you're taking
yourself out of the running

for any promotion ever?

From your lips to his ears.

Look, Carrie, I'd probably
do lousy at it anyway.

Well, how do you know
if you don't even try, Doug?

We've been married
for years,

but I've never seen you
really try for anything.

Believe me,
I've tried for things.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You did try to finish
Newark's biggest burrito.

It would've been free.

All right, forget it.
Sorry I even brought it up.

You know,
I did try for something once.

It was ,

and I was working as bouncer
at this place called Poison,

one of the hottest clubs
in Queens.

But what I really wanted
to be...

was a bartender.

The movie Cocktail
was taking the world by storm

and dishing out booze

was the coolest job
a guy could have.

Then finally one night,
my boss said

the magic words
I'd been waiting to hear.

"Mike called in sick.

"He ate some bad salmon.

He's been on the toilet
all day. "

I finally got my sh*t.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Ya understand now?

Well, I don't remember Cocktail
taking the world by storm,

but other than that,
yeah, I guess.

Let me tell ya.
I learned something that night.

You don't try for things,
you don't get hurt.

Doug, is this all
because of what happened

years ago
at some stupid club?

Stupid? Okay.
Stupid clu-

That's why Bell, Biv
and DeVoe were regulars.

All I'm saying,
in my career, okay,

I try for things,
and yet I fail,

and it hurts,
but I keep trying.

You wanna know why?

You're a slow learner?

No, because I want
a better life for us.

Better?

Doug, please.

Carrie, I don't know what
you want from me.

I'm just a truck driver,
and I'm fine with that.

Why can't you be?

Because I don't think you're
just a truck driver, Doug.

I think you're
a smart, talented guy

who could do anything
he wants to.

I just wish you
felt the same way.

I did it.
Did what?

I thought about what you said
last night, and you're right.

I shouldn't be afraid
to try something,

so I went out, and I did it.

You took the I.P.S. test?

No, no-
I enrolled in bartending school.

Bartending school?

Yeah,
it's a two-week course.

I already called Paddy
down at Cooper's.

He's gonna give me
some shifts

as soon as I get
my certification.

Doug, you're gonna be
a bartender

and quit your job
at I.P.S.?

No, no, not yet.
But, hey, who knows

where this wild ride
is gonna take us, you know?

You know, I-
I don't want a wild ride.

Maybe someday
we'll have our own bar.

We can call it...

"Doug's Place. "

Slow down, honey-

Or I can change my name
to Melrose,

and we can call it
"Melrose Place. "

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

I'm going back to school.

Oh, great!

Yeah,
bartending school.

Ooh, better yet.

Bravo, Douglas. And while
we're making announcements,

I've decided to run
for senior center president.

Good for you.

Yes. I'm going to end
Barksdale's reign of terror

and begin my own.

All right,
see you guys later.

All right.

Bartender.

Rarr!

Doug,
you have a union job

with a pension
and health benefits.

You can't throw all that away.
That's crazy.

I know it's crazy, but you told
me I'm talented, and I'm great,

and you said I could do
whatever I wanted, right?

Yes.

If you believe in me,
that's all I need.

Mwah! Ha-ha!

Crap.

All right, everybody,
settle down.

So...

you people think you have
what it takes, huh?

Think ya can cut it?

Think ya got
the right stuff?

Is this
the - - bartending class?

Get out.
Huh?

Get out!

You thought
this was gonna be easy.

Well, let me tell ya
something.

One out of three of you
ain't gonna make it

through this course.

So I want you to look
at the person to your left

and look at the person
to your right,

because one of those people
ain't gonna be here tomorrow,

and that person could-

Where you lookin', meat?

I, uh- I-I-I didn't have
anybody to my right, so I just-

You- You know what?
I'll go-

Sit down.
I'm gonna sit down.

All right.

Let's dive in.

Rule number one:

A depressed customer

is the best customer.

Good job, huh?

Hey.

I ain't shakin'
your hand, meat.

You're not?

Come here. Ha-ha!

Huh? Hey!

Yeah!

There he is, the smug despot,
drunk with power.

All right, Holly,

you're my campaign manager.

Let's get goin'.

Okay, well, I guess you should
tell people why you're running.

What's your platform?

Essentially,
my platform is

I'd like to be president
very badly.

Okay, but the voters
are gonna wanna know

what you're gonna do
once you're elected.

That's none of their business.

Okay, here we go.

What can I get you?

Uh, club soda, please.

Yeah.

What is it?

Oh, it's just that I...

just graduated
from bartending school,

and you're
my first customer.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping

that my first drink
would be memorable.

You know, like a mai tai
or a Bermuda rum swizzle.

Yeah. Uh, look, I- I-

I got a little drinking problem,
you know, so I'd-

I'd just rather not, yeah.

Guy, just one.

Double scotch, neat.

There you go.

Alrighty.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what can I get
for ya?

Just a Bud Light.

Uh, you know I do serve

kinds of beer
from Europe, heh.

Great.
You're a regular Epcot Center.

Just give me a Bud Light.

Comin' right up.

Here we go.

Oh.

All right.

Ahem.
Okay, uh- Whoa!

Okay. Whoa-ho. That's, uh-
That's half price,

that one right there.
That's half price.

I mean,
I just don't know what to do.

Should I talk to Steve?
Should I not talk to Steve?

I mean,
is he ever gonna change?

Uh, you know,
ladies,

those drinks come
with free advice,

and man problems...

is my specialty.

Oh.

Well, can you tell me
how to get my husband

to stop sleeping
with every woman he meets

and spend about minutes
with his own son?

No, but let me set you ladies up
with some beer nuts.

Hey.

So... how'd it go?

I did good.

Great.

I'm officially
a bartender's wife.

Just what I've always wanted,
a husband who reeks of olives.

Actually, you're gonna
have that either way.

But don't worry.
I'm giving up bartending.

I'm gonna stick with I.P.S.

Really?
Yeah.

I don't know.
All these years,

I built up bartending to be
such this magical thing.

You know,
it turns out it's just a-

Another stupid job.

I'll tell ya,
I'm glad I did it, though,

'cause years ago, oh,
I screwed up bigtime, you know?

And tonight I just proved
that I could do it, you know?

I- I just conquered my demon.

Did you, uh...

make this all tonight
in tips?

Actually, more.
On the way home,

I hit an Arby's drive-through
pretty hard.

Are you sure
you're not giving up

on this bartending thing
a little too soon?

What are you talking about?
You said it was a dumb idea.

Yeah,
but that was before... eh!

I mean...

honey, if you can make all this

in one night
in some crappy bar in Queens,

just think what you can make
in Manhattan.

As a matter of fact, there's
a bar next-door to where I work.

I know the owner.
I can get you in there.

No, that's it.
I'm done with this whole thing.

I'm over it.
I conquered my demon.

I don't think you did.
What are ya-?

What are you talkin' about?

I conquered the crap
out of it.

No. No, I don't think you-
You conquered your demon at all.

You know,
now that I think about it,

your demon
wasn't not trying,

you know,
it was quitting.

Yeah, that's your demon
right there.

Quitter.

No, no, no,
that's not my demon.

I'll tell ya what my demon is.
My demon is you.

Come on, Doug. All we've been
talking about is your dreams.

What about my dreams?

I've always wanted
to live in Manhattan,

If we had more money,
we could do that.

Look, I want you
to be happy, okay?

Maybe I'll-
I'll take that I.P.S. test,

and I can move up
through the company-

Okay, you know what?
If I hear one more word

about that stupid I.P.S. test,
I'm gonna puke.

Come on, honey.
We could do this.

I mean,
we'll have my salary.

You'll be working in the bar
four or five times a week.

In this dream, uh,
am I also working at I.P.S.?

Manhattan ain't cheap, babe.
Okay?

This is a whole new life for us!

Yeah, but if I'm working
all the time,

you'll never see me.

Yeah,
but I'll have eh-heh!

Thank you very much.

Ah, Josephine,
my dear,

I hope I can count
on your vote.

Oh, well, actually I'm voting
for Mr. Barksdale.

I think he's doing
a very nice job.

I see.

Welcome
to my enemies list.

Spooner.

I understand you've
been questioning my w*r record.

I just think people
have a right to know

why you didn't serve
in Vietnam.

Because I was .

Sixty or just plain yella?

How are we doing
in the polls?

Ten people say
they're gonna vote for you,

for Barksdale,
and three for McGovern.

There's my problem.

He's got the black vote
all sewn up.

Not much you can do
about that.

Or... is there?

Hey,
what's going on?

You said there was
some sort of emergency.

Ah, Deacon,
slap it high.

What?
How's by you,

my talented
and very equal friend?

Wh-what exactly
is the emergency?

Well, actually it was
an emergency of the heart.

I haven't seen you
since the Million Man March,

and I need a hug.

Now.

What the hell's goin' on?

All right, look, I'm running
for senior center president,

and I need the black vote
to win.

Play ball,
and you and your family

will have powdered milk
for the rest of your lives.

What? Do you know
how insulting this is?

Hey, everybody,

Arthur Spooner
is a bad man.

You hear that, everyone?
I'm bad!

They keep coming!

Why is everyone so thirsty?

You're doing great, just move
a little faster, honey.

Hey.
Great bartender, huh?

Cute too,
don't you think?

He's kinda sweaty.

And I ain't hatin' it.

Whoa.
Fifty-cent tip.

How am I gonna get
to Manhattan with that?

Doug, do that.
Do what he's doing.

What?

Do the bottle flip.

The only time I did that move
was in class,

and it was
with a Nerf bottle.

Do it for me, baby,
please?

Hey!

Okay.

So the bartending didn't
work out as well as we hoped.

But you're still great,

and you're still talented.

Okay, you know what?

Tomorrow morning,
you are gonna march in there,

and you are gonna take
that I.P.S. test,

and you're gonna show 'em
what's what.

Oh.
Yeah.

"Employee demonstrates
no special skills

"or potential
for advancement.

"His qualifications
for his current job

are questionable
at best. "

Well...

now we know.

Spooner.

Hello, Barksdale.

Congratulations
on your unanimous victory.

I hope we can put
all this ugliness behind us.

'Fraid not.

Just not
in the face.