07x12 - Gym Neighbors

[bunniefuu]

- all of U.S.
intelligence

in more than years...

Do you mind?
I'm trying to read.

That's yesterday's news.

I need up-to-the-minute
coverage.

President's says he's happy
to have it, but has not yet...

There you go, all right? There.

I can't hear.
Okay, well, I can't read.

Yea- Here, fine.
You know what?

There. Closed captioning.

You happy now?

Huh, those clever Japanese
have done it again.

"Investigators believe
a faulty hair dryer

"was the cause
of the blaze.

"Speaking
of bad-hair days,

here's Curtis
with the weather. Chuckles. "

You-? You're kidding, right?

Sorry, I'm having
trouble following this.

You can help me if you
could read

the part
of Sue Simmons.

Yeah,
it's not gonna happen.

"There is a cold front
rolling in from the north,

colliding
with a high-pressure symptom. "

It's "system. "

It says "symptom. "

Okay, well, they obviously
made a mistake!

Well, how can I trust
anything they say?!

Okay, fine, here you go!
Okay? There!

That loud enough?

"On the lighter
side of the news,

"a cat was rescued
from a well today.

"When asked to comment,

the fire chief said
the mission was purr-fect. "

Let's go.

Okay.

Come on.

Nothing fit her, huh?

That is not good.

It gets worse.

Guess what she came
down the stairs wearing.

Sweatpants.

Ooh.

Why don't you tell her
she needs to lose weight?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Why don't I just write up a list

of other women I wanna
have sex with?

"Here. Hey, huh? Hey, honey,
you knew some of these.

The- Some are you are friends.
You know 'em all. "

Idiot.

Uh, this is a tough one.

I had the same situation
with Kelly.

But she just lost weight.

Yeah, only 'cause
she got food poisoning.

Hm.

So in order
for your plan to work,

I gotta give Carrie
some undercooked chicken

or something.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It wasn't a plan
to give her food poisoning.

I just got lucky.

Yeah, and not for nothing,
guy,

but, uh, aren't you
a little out of line,

you know, getting on Carrie
about her weight?

You're not exactly
Mackenzie Phillips.

Really?
I'm not exactly Mac-?

I'm not
Mackenzie Phillips?

Look, she knows
this is what I looked like

when I met her, okay?

This was all in the Doug
brochure, as advertised.

I'm just worried
about where she's headed.

I mean, I don't want
her catching me.

Well, why don't you just start
eating a lot more?

You know,
stay one step ahead.

I'm gonna do that anyway,

but, I just- I don't know.
I think maybe if I can-

You know, I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I'm your boy,
and I'm looking out for you.

You're playing with fire.
Just let it go.

I know it's tricky,
but if I could-

Bup-bup-bup-ba!

Let it go.

If there's
a way that I can-

Ah!

Let it go.

What are we doing here?

Doug,
they're our neighbors.

We should be supportive

and buy one
of their pieces of crap.

We can throw it out
when we get home.

Why would Lou Ferrigno
need a jar opener?

He's the strongest man
in the world.

That's probably why
he's selling it.

Oh, look,

here's something
we can use.

A deep-fryer?

Yeah, can make
our own french fries,

some fried chicken.

I don't wanna waste our money
on that. I don't know.

It's a dollar.

Still, it's just, uh-

Hey, what about this?
Look at this.

Yeah, we already have
a stationary bike.

Your regular bike.

Hey, guys.

Hey!
Hi.

Hey, Lou.

How are you?
How's the sale going?

Okay, I guess.
Oh, Lou's just cranky

because I'm making him sell
all of his video games.

I'm telling you,
the man was addicted.

Hey, better video games
than steroids, huh?

We don't joke
about that, Doug.

Hey, so what's the story
with this bad boy?

Oh, well, if you're
interested in this,

we're selling
our home gym.

I'll even
sweeten the pot.

If you buy it,

I'll train you both
for free.

You hear that? He'll-
He'll train us... both.

We'll let you two
think about it.

Okay.
Okay?

Both.

That's a pretty
sweet deal, huh?

Well, yes, Doug, but you
still belong to three gyms

that you never go to.

Would it really
be fair to them?

See, that's the thing.

If you're training
with me, I'd be inspired.

I'd stick with it.

Okay, you know what?
Let's do it.

I can stand to lose
a couple pounds.

This is not about you.
It's about me, but whatever.

I mean, if that happens,
it's great.

This is awesome, huh?

God, I can't picture
Lou Ferrigno

playing tennis, huh?

Douglas, look what I came across
on the Game Show Channel.

Glen and I would like

to for Of Mice and Men.
Is that you?

You never told me
you were on a game show.

I've actually told you
several dozen times.

Thanks for listening.

Look at you.

You look so young
and sane.

Lee Meriwether couldn't keep
her paws off me.

Get it?

Paws.

She was one of three Catwomen.

So did you win
the , ?

Would I be living
in this dump if I did?

Probably, yeah.

Contestants appearing
on The $ , Pyramid

will receive a year's supply
of Rice-A-Roni,

the San Francisco treat.

Wait a minute!

I never got any Rice-A-Roni!

Come on, two more.

You said "two more" five ago.

Do it!
God.

All right,
I'm just saying,

you suck at math,
that's all.

There.
Okay? You happy?

Oh, my God, Doug,
that was t*rture.

First the bike and then three
sets on every station.

Hey, you know,
the first time is never easy.

Like the first time
we had to trim

your father's nails, huh?

Now we wait for him
to fall asleep.

It's a lot less kicking.
That's all I'm saying.

Let's get ready
on the bike

and get the blood flowing.
All right.

just don't make me
too skinny there, buddy.

Okay, this is very easy.

I'm just telling you that
right now.

Could do this
all day.

You can stop now.

Thank you.

Carrie
really did this?

Yeah, but she did
the whole minutes.

I'm gonna write
some notes on the chart,

and you give me curls.

Hey, how about I do the notes,

you do the curls, huh?
Ha-ha-ha.

Now , funny man.

Come on,
all the way up.

All right.

Count them off.
All right.

One.
Oh, wow, a Game Boy?

Yeah.
Carla made me sell mine.

Two.
You mind if I, uh...?

Three. No, go ahead.

Four.

Five.

Seventeen.

...four, !

Ah, !

Okay, that was great,
Lou.

I'll see you
Wednesday.

I hope he burns
in hell.

You ready to hit it,
Doug?

Absolutely.

Uh, first, I just wanna
save a game

I was playing before.

You have PlayStation?

No, I have PlayStation .

There.
Okay, I'm a lump of clay, Lou.

Sculpt me.

Is that "The Getaway"?

Yes, it is.

Anyway, what do you say
we hit it? Come on.

"The Getaway"
was my favorite game.

Hey, you know,
here's a crazy idea.

Uh, why don't you, uh,
you know, play a game

while I do my warm-ups?

Oh, I don't know.
Carla would k*ll me.

I don't see Carla here.

What I do see
is a state-of-the-art video game

hooked up
to a big-screen TV.

Mm, no, I can't.

I'm a trainer.
I have to do my job.

Okay, here's the thing, Lou.

You really wanna play
that video game,

and I really don't
wanna get into shape.

I'm with you so far.
All right.

So I was thinking,
instead of letting our wives

decide what we should do,

maybe we should use
my workout time

to do what we wanna do, hm?

It'll be our little secret.

Hey, Dad.

Ah, darling,

could you, uh,
do me a small favor?

What?

I need you to help me
get a lawyer,

so I can sue the boyish grin
off d*ck Clark's face.

Okay, once again,
he did not steal the idea

for New Year's Rockin' Eve
from you.

I never claimed he stole
the "Rockin'" part.

All right,
what's the problem?

When I was on Pyramid,

I was promised a year's supply
of Rice-A-Roni,

and I never got it.

Did you get that
in writing?

They announced it
on the show.

It's an oral agreement.

Oral.

Okay, stop using that word.

So can you help me?
No, I'm sorry.

Why do you always
take d*ck Clark's side?

Hey.

How was your workout?

Oh, just brutal,
as usual.

I'll tell you,
that Lou comes off

like a gentle giant
in public,

but come workout time,

he's one scary bastard.

I know. I know.
He's a tough one.

But you know what?
You gotta stick with it.

I mean, look at me.

I haven't fit in this suit
in months. I lot pounds.

I don't care about numbers.

I'm just happy
that you're healthier.

You getting results too?
Are you kidding me?

Look at that.
Feel this. Feel it.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Yes. Yes, honey.

You're really- You're-
You're getting there.

Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you
for noticing.

All right.

Hey, why don't you get Lou
the "Spider-Man " game?

Yeah, I'm gonna get
the Incredible Hulk

a Spider-Man game.

Who raised you?

Hey, Deac,

you have "ATV ," right?

How is it?

Instead of going
through this trouble,

why don't you actually
let Lou train you?

Maybe that way, you won't
get winded throwing darts.

What is your problem?

I just think this is wrong.

I'm only cheating myself.

And Carrie.

And Carrie, right.
And Lou.

Got him hooked
on video games again.

Right,
me, Carrie, and Lou.

Just cheating
the three of us.

So you came up
with a way

to get her to lose weight
without knowing it.

I just can't believe you.

Oh, my God,
you're jealous.

That's what it is.

You're damn right
I'm jealous.

I- I mean, you found a way
to b*at the system, man.

Oh, I not only
b*at the system,

it was first-round KO.

And I'm just getting
started.

What do you mean?

Well, you know that now
I can control Carrie

through Lou, right?
Right.

If she can lose pounds
at the current pace,

imagine I have Lou
kick it up a notch.

You're
making a mistake.

I'm not
making a mistake,

and I'm gonna change
other things.

Look, do you know

how to cut things off when-?

Let it go.

Hey.
Hey.

What's that?
It's my dinner.

All of a sudden,
Lou's got me on a liquid diet.

Really?

Yes, and he doubled
my time on the bike,

he increased my weights,

and then he said get
some blond highlights.

That's weird,
but I would just do it.

Oh, dear God.
I can't do this.

What?
I can't do this. Doug, I am-

I am achy,
I'm tired all the time,

and now I'm drinking
this crap?

I think I'm gonna quit.

Y- y-you can't quit.
You can't quit.

I- I mean, I-
It's not fair to me.

You- You can't.

Doug, you can still
keep working out.

Not- Not without you.

I mean, the- The whole drive
behind this thing

is that we're doing it
together for me.

That's- It really is. You're
the wind beneath my wings.

Without wind,
wings are useless.

I'm pretty sure
wings still work

even though
there's no wind.

Okay, an Oscar-winning song
is wrong. All right.

Come on, Carrie.
Okay, honey, fine,

I will keep going
for you.

Thank you. For me.

There you go. Gosh.

You wanna talk
about brutal,

Lou's got me
on light beer.

It's hard going down,
I tell you.

What do you want?

Uh, sorry to interrupt
your exercise session,

but Lou has some
important documents for me

vis-à-vis
Rice-A-Roni-gate.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Lou you have anything
for Arthur?

In my bag.

Say, uh, what's going on
in here?

What do you mean?

He's training me.

You're playing solitaire,

and he's playing some
television game.

What gives, eh?

You ask too many
questions, old man.

Too many
or not enough?

Too many.

Now, uh, Mr. Spooner,
my assistant tells me

this is an urgent matter
for Mr. Clark.

Yes, if you recall,
I was a contestant

on The $ , Pyramid
in .

Actually, I don't.
Why not?

I was
in the rd grade.

Anyway, I never got
my Rice-A-Roni.

Again, the show's
been off the air for years.

Uh, I'm not sure they even
still make Rice-A-Roni.

Oh, they make it,
all right,

in a variety
of mouth-watering flavors.

Okay, well, uh,
instead of Rice-A-Roni,

how about I, uh, give you...

this book?
I don't wanna read!

I wanna eat!

But, sir-
I want my year's supply

of Rice-A-Roni,
plus all the extra Rice-A-Roni

I would have accrued in interest
over the past three decades!

Yeah, uh...

no?

Didn't wanna use this,

but you forced my hand.

Wait a minute.

Hello?

Darling, Lou has an envelope
for me out in the garage.

So?

I need you to fax me the photo
of d*ck Clark

locked in a muddy embrace
with Fannie Flag.

It's from The Battle
of the Network Stars.

Dad- No, I can't.

I'm about to get
in the shower here.

I need it!
Hold on!

What the hell
is going on here?

We're training.

You were fast asleep.

I was resting
between sets.

And you, how can you
let this happen?

I'm weak.
But please don't tell my wife.

Just get outta here.

Could I at least save
my game to the memory card?

So weak.

So this has been going on

during your training sessions.

Lou plays video games
while you sleep and eat.

And read.

And all that crap

about me being "the wind
beneath your wings. "

Did you even work out
at all?

Define "at all. "

Doug, if you didn't
wanna work out,

why didn't you just
let me quit when I wanted to

and end the whole thing?

Because
I wanted to help you.

You said you could stand to lose
like or pounds.

I- I just-

I said I could stand
to lose a couple of pounds.

Hm?
Yeah.

I said a couple of pounds.

You just said or .

A couple,
that's a figure of speech,

like when I say I'm
going to White Castle

and getting a couple
of burgers.

Everyone knows
it's , .

Oh, I see.

So you kept up
this whole charade

because you wanted me
to lose weight?

Define "charade. "

Okay, so you think I'm fat now?
No!

Yeah- No, obviously you do.
I mean, just admit it.

Be a man and just say it.

This is a trap.

No, it is not a trap.

It feels like a trap
because...

I have the same
bad feeling I did

when you made me agree you have
a slight, slight mustache.

Doug, this is not a trap.

I just wanna know
my husband's honest feelings.

That's all.

Okay, I guess...

it wouldn't hurt you
if you lost a few pounds.

Ow!

Look, why is it okay
that you can get on me

about my weight
every day,

but I can't say
a thing to you

if you need
to drop a few?

Because that's
just the way it is.

Carrie, look, all right-
Look, come here.

I got carried away,
all right?

I swear to you, I don't even
care what size you are.

I love you
no matter what.

Thank you.

I appreciate that, Doug.

However, I still think you need
to lose more than pounds.

What?!
Yeah, that's right.

More than -?
That's right.

You heard me, okay?

And this is how
we're gonna do it.

I'm gonna keep
working out

only to be supportive
of you,

because I don't need
to lose weight.

Isn't that right, Doug?

I'm supposed
to say yes here, right?

I don't know.
You can say whatever you want.

I wanna say yes.

Yes, that would be correct.

Yeah. So you know
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna clean out
the cupboards

of all the junk food,

starting
with the Ring Dings-

Yeah, about the Ring Dings,
um...

You ate them during
your "workouts"?

I wanna say yes.

Ugh.

Good. Now, let's go
hit the weights.

Hey, kids, so,
what do you feel like tonight?

Original or Cajun-chicken
flavor?