07x13 - Gorilla Warfare

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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07x13 - Gorilla Warfare

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay. You didn't
pause the movie.

You didn't ask me to.

I shouldn't
have to ask.

If someone leaves the room,
you press pause.

I mean,
we're not animals.

You only missed a minute.

Wait a second,
they're in Egypt now.

How the hell did they
get out of Jersey?

All right, fine.
I will rewind it.

Great. I-I just saw Nigel
get k*lled in reverse.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

You stop
and then rewind.


Then I'm gonna go
too far.

That's a small price
to pay.

O- o-okay. You know what?
New rule.

Someone leaves the room,
you press pause.

Yeah.
All right.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Lisa.

Yeah, I have it
in my address book.

Hang on one second.

Yeah.
Mm.

Yeah.

What?

The wedding's off?

Oh,
my god.

Tell me
everything.

Okay, new rule.

Doug. Doug, I am
trying to talk to you.

What do you need?

I- I-I just need more
hot sauce for my wings.

You have plenty right there.

Are you kidding me?
Look at my hands.

They're almost clean.
Sh-

Should look like
I just delivered a baby.

Anyway, as you may
or may not know,

it's almost
Valentine's Day-

Yeah- Excuse me,
could I get-

Okay, that was
intentional right there.

Look.

Please try and focus.

and I thought we could do
something special.

Do you any id-
Okey-dokey.

You finished with this?
Thank you.

Okay. There. Great, thank you.

Now I can focus, all right.
I'm all yours, baby.

Lay it on me. Okay, good.

So, Valentine's Day...

Hold that thought. I just gotta
get a refill here. Oh, my God.

Oh, jeez.

Danny's here.

So?
Ah.

Some girl dumped him,
and he's all depressed.

Depressed and annoying.

That's a rough combo.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Danny.

What you up to?

Ah, you know,

just grabbing a cold one
by myself.

Don't need any lady
dragging me down.

All alone,
just the way I like it.

Love my alone time.
In fact, if you want-

you know what
- take her.

Get her out of here.

I'm kidding.
I'll see you tomorrow, man.

Join us.
Come on, join us.

Oh, yeah,
okay, thanks.

You wanna order
something to eat?

Uh, nah.

Just gonna drink
till they call me a cab.

It's been working
pretty well.

So Doug tells me
you and the girl

you were dating
broke up?

God, I really thought
Porsche was the one, you know?

Then I found out
she was stripping.

Really?

Yeah. And not even
in a club.

Just in general.

I don't know what
I'm doing wrong.

I mean...

what was it about Doug
that attracted you?

Actually, Danny,
very common question. Um...

Oh, please.

You wanted me
from the moment you saw me

in my mesh shirt
and white jeans.

Yeah. You're thinking
about it right now.

You're welcome, baby.

Actually,
that mesh shirt

made you look like
a bag of onions.

Sweet onions.

That you loved to peel.

And they wouldn't
make you cry...

because they, uh...

I'm done.

Actually, Danny,
what attracted me to Doug

was that
he was, um...

He was a nice guy,
and he made me laugh.

And, um...
he surprised me.

Really? How?

Well, um,
one night,

when we were first dating
- Oh.

What?
It's adora-

We were dating, and I wasn't
totally sold on him yet.

And we're just out walking,
and he gets real silent.

And I turn to him and I go,
"What's the matter?"

And he says, um...

No, you tell him.

It's nothing!

Tell him. Tell him.
All right.

I just said, "You didn't just
save my life, brown eyes...

you made my life
worth saving. "

Isn't that beautiful?

Truck driver, poet.
Somebody signed up

for the premium package.

Yes, I did.

And you know what?

That line
just showed me

that Doug wasn't
just this big,

goofy jock, you know?

You see that right there?
Th-that's what I want.

Ah, you know, why can't I
find a great girl?

I could tell you
the truth, but...

it'd feel like
a donkey kick.

You know what it is,
Danny?

Every girl you meet, you- You
say that she's it, you know?

I know, I know.

And relationships aren't
like that, you know?

I mean, sex is important,
but you gotta be friends first.

You gotta connect
on emotional level.

Really?
Yeah. Right, honey?

You know what I need?
Some blue cheese. That's all.

Ah. Buddy, can I
get another one?

Just leave
the bottle.

Oh.
Hey, Danny.

Holly. What are you
doing here?

Oh, my apartment's
being fumigated,

so I have to be out
for the night.

And I just broke up
with my boyfriend,

so there goes
crashing in his van.

And after I just
carpeted it. Ugh!

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

I just broke up
with my girlfriend too.

Well- I thought
she broke up with you.

What is it,
in the papers?

Oh, don't worry
about it.

I mean, relationships suck,
right, Danny?

Ugh. Tell me
about it.

I mean,
I'll tell you one guy

that'll never
let you down though.

Mr. Samuel Adams.
Mm-hm.

You know who else
is always there for you?

Mr. Jack Daniels!

Let's go, barkeep.

All right, this will
just take two seconds,

and we'll get
right back to the office.

Oh, no rush.

Wednesday afternoons
my boss has his affair.

Thanks a lot.

Hi, can I help you? Yes, hi.

I bought a beer mug
here last week,

and I want to have
something engraved on it.

No problem. Let me
just get my pad. Okay.

What are you
putting on it?

Oh, just something Doug
said to me

when we were
first dating.

And, uh, I was just thinking
about it yesterday.

What did he say?
Oh, well,

we were just out walking
and out of the blue he said, um,

"You didn't just save my life,
brown eyes,

you made my life
worth saving. "

Ohh.
Ohh.

That is
so sweet.

Isn't it? I know. I just
wanted to find a cute way

to tell him that
I feel the same way.

And with the amount of beer
he drinks, um...

he'll see it a lot.

Okay.
Yeah.

Okay. What would you
like on it?

Okay. Uh, right across
the front,

I would like it to say,

"You didn't just save my life,
brown eyes,

you made my life
worth saving. "

That's excellent.

What-?
What's so funny?

No, it's just-
I love that movie.

What movie?

McCormick and JoJo?

You're saying that line
came from a movie?

Yeah. Erik Estrada
plays a cop,

and he says it at the end
to his partner, JoJo.

The monkey?

He says it to a monkey?

Yeah.

We'll see you back
at the office.

Okay. Yeah, yeah,
I'll see you there.

Danny, did you hide
my lactose pills again?

You know, I'm glad you think
my condition is so funny.

Oh. Hey, Spence.

Holly?

Hey. Good morning,
buddy.

Okay...

Oh, hey, I just wanna say
thanks again for last night.

Oh, hey. Thank you
so much for everything.

See you guys later.

Hey, nice P.J.s
there, buddy.

I like
the Western theme.

What do you got, a little
bucking bronco there? Ooh!

I kid 'cause
I'm in love.

Did Holly spend the night?

No, no, no. She just
came here this morning

to put on her shoes.

Yeah, she spent the night.

Why?

Well, her apartment's
being fumigated.

I told her she could
crash on my couch.

And then she-
She makes up some story

about it having
a busted spring

that made her feel
uncomfortable.

There is
a busted spring.

Anyway, point is
that, uh, you know,

I was gentlemanly enough

to, uh, give her refuge
in my bedroom.

Oh, my God.

So you guys actually
slept together?

Yup.
Emphasis...

on slept.

I- Wait- So wait a minute.
So you guys didn't-

No. No,
we did not.

We didn't touch
all night.

What are you bragging about?

See, relationships
aren't just about sex.

You gotta be friends
with someone.

You gotta connect
emotionally, you know.

And the fact that she did not
sleep with me

proves she's into me
as a person.

Hey. I was thinking
about what you said.

You wanted to do
something special

for Valentine's Day.

Well, what says
I love you

more than seeing
a Van Halen cover band...

followed by...

a candlelit dinner

at the restaurant
of your choosing?

As long as
they serve chili.

Okay. We'll see.

What's all this?

Oh, I just got us some
takeout from Shanghai Gardens,

and I rented us a movie
to watch.

Oh.

Cool!
Yeah.

What'd y-?
What'd you get?

Oh, just a little movie
from the ' s

that caught my fancy.

McCormick and JoJo.

Hang on, JoJo. Hang on!

McCormick,
get the hell outta there!


JoJo's here. No way-

This doesn't look like
the beginning.

No, Doug,
it's more like the end.

Don't you die on me.

Don't you leave me!

Let me tell you
something.


You didn't just save
my life, brown eyes,


you made my life
worth saving.


Case you were wondering,
JoJo makes it.

I can't believe you!

Take it easy, Carrie.

Doug, do you know how
humiliated I was?

I mean,
there I was

bragging about how
romantic my husband is,

about how beautiful
this line was.

And a clerk in the store
tells me

it was originally said
to a monkey!

A monkey
that knows karate.

Oh, my God.

And when I think about
all the times I told this story.

People must think
I'm an idiot.

Carrie, hardly anyone saw
McCormick and JoJo.


It came out the same time
as Turner and Hooch


and just got steamrolled.

Let me ask you
a question, Doug.

When you call me brown eyes,

are you thinking about me
or the monkey?

Almost always you.
Okay, that's-

I'm kidding!
Come on-

This happened
years ago.

I've done tons
worse stuff since then.

Doug, you don't
understand.

Okay, when you said
that line to me,

it was at a time when
I wasn't sure about us.

I didn't know if I wanted
to get serious with you.

And do you know

that there was a guy
that was interested in me

who was a med student
at Columbia

and on the rowing team.

Today he's an orthopedic
surgeon in the city.

But I chose you.

That's gotta sting.

The point is, Doug,
I really liked you,

but that line
put it over the top.

I mean, when you
could reach down

a- and come up with something
so heartfelt and beautiful.

I mean, that really told me
something about you.

But it turns out
it was just a lie.


I- I stole the line, oh-
But you know what?

Let me tell you something.

I've said so many other
beautiful things

that were all me. Really? Like what?

I- Just last week

at Deacon and Kelly's.

Are you talking
about when you said

I would make
a good-looking guy?

Yeah.

You throw on
a denim jacket

and you cut
your hair short,

you got a nice
Ralph Macchio thing going.

And you think
that's beautiful.

It's pretty solid.

Look, Carrie, we've been
married for years,

and it's working.

You know, so I stole
a line from a movie.

Who cares?

Who cares?
That's the way you feel?

I- I mean that
in a good way.

I mean, look,
when we first met,

we had to be at our best.

But now it's like I'm fat,
you're mean, who cares?

I care.

Oh, okay, I understand
what this is about now.

All right, all right,
I'm getting it now.

You're just-
You're gonna bust my chops

till I come up
with another line.

No, Doug, I don't want
another line, okay?

Oh, well, too bad,
'cause you're getting one.

Well, you better get moving.
Blockbuster closes at .

I don't need Blockbuster.
This is gonna be all me.

It's gonna be so touching
and heartfelt,

you're gonna feel like
a piece of crap.

A piece of crap!

Hey, guy.

Hm.

Uh, well,
this is awkward,

'cause I didn't
get you anything.

Funny.
It's for Holly.

You got her
a Valentine's Day gift?

Does she even know?

I have a call in to her.

But she hasn't
called you back.

All part of the dance.

Is this
a two-person dance or...

Okay, look, y-y-you wanna see me
talk to her?

'Cause I'll call her
right now.

Ah, phone machine.
She's probably screening.

Oh, hey, Hol, it's, uh-
It's me. Are you there?

Pick up.

If you're there,
pick up, Holly.


It's me.

Pick up. Pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up-


Uh, I got about dead
cockroaches under the bed,

and I think you might have
some rat droppings

behind
the radiator.

Hey.

Are your eyes blue?

If you want 'em to be.

So...

uh, tag, you're it.

She's probably out getting
my Valentine's Day gift.

Yeah. That's probably
what she's doing right now.

God.

Oh. Okay.

I think I know
what's going on here.

You're down about
my relationship with Holly

because you don't
have anyone right now.

Danny, I-
Oh.

And here I am,
walking around,

bragging and showing off
the fantastic bear I got her.

Okay, you're completely
delusional.

Oh. You are in so much pain,
buddy, aren't you?

Don't worry.
It'll happen for you.

One of these days,

you'll have
exactly what I have.

Okay, how about this?

"Carrie...

"my love
for you...

"is...

good. "

All right,
come on, concentrate.

If my love...

for you
was a season...

it would be fall...

'cause I fell f-for you.

I- it would be autumn,
'cause my love is...

a*t*matic.

Oh, my God, you sound
like a gay serial k*ller, man.

Let me help you out.

I'm a wordsmith.

No help, okay? That's how
I got in trouble the first time.

My God,
I got nothing here.

Look at this, I-I got rhymes.
That's all I got.

"Love, dove.

"h*tler, Bette Midler. "

What the hell
am I doing?

Hey, Doug, do you get
any reception in here?

Oh, man, your phone's fine.
Holly's not gonna call.

Yes, she is.

I'm your valentine.

Just give me the bear,
and let's end the charade.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
How about this?

"You're not just who I love,

you're who I am. "

That's actually
pretty good.

And you came up with that
all by yourself?

Yeah, I did.
I mean,

"You're not just who I love,
you're who I am. "

That- That's it.
That's my line.

It's Holly.
Anyone home?

Well, well, well.

Look who finally
tracked me down.

Guess you can kiss
the bear goodbye.

Hey, Hol.
Oh, hey, Carrie.

I just stopped by to drop off
a Valentine's Day card

and my bill for your dad.
Oh, okay. Thanks.

Hey, we better
get moving.

I wanna wash this pesticide
out of my hair

before we hit Bennigan's.

Oh, hey, Carrie. This is Rick.
He's my exterminator.

How nice.

So you happy
with your current bug guy?

He's fantastic.

I'll keep him in mind.
Thank you.

Hey, Hol.
Hey, Danny.

Aw. Cute bear.
Bye.

Bye.

Ho- Holly!

Carrie, I got something
to tell you.

You're not just who I love,
you're who I am.

Holly!

Hey! You stole
my line!

Danny just stole my line! What?

You're not just who I love,
you're who I am.

That's my line.

Doug, I told you,
I don't want another line.

You're just saying that
'cause Danny just said it.

'Cause if I would've said it,
it would have looked like this:

I'm telling- You'd be
cooking me eggs in lingerie.

Okay.
Whatever you say.

Okay, you know what?
That- That's it.

Forget it. I-I-I've
had it. I can't-

I can't do this.

There's like
pages here.

Yeah, I know.

Is that the Arby's logo?

Part of my process.

"h*tler, Bette Midler"?

I don't know what
I was doing there, okay.

All I know is I got all these
feelings inside in a safe,

and I'm trying to get
the combo out

before the thing goes off.

And I'm, like,
duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-

Get it out!
'Cause the love wants to flow.

Doug.
The love-

Doug.

Honey.
- paper.

I think I got
what I needed.

But, uh, I didn't come up
with a great line. I didn't-

Because I didn't want
another line.

I just wanted you to do
something from your heart,

and you did.

I mean, the fact that you were
willing to work this hard-

I mean... this means
something to me.

Yeah, but I just-

I just wanted to come up
with a great line.

Honey. And I bet you there is
gonna be something in here

that knocks me
right off my feet.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, uh, that there...
Yeah, no. No.

Yeah.

Mm.

No?
No.

See, now I thought-

Yeah.
Don't love it.

I don't love it.

Anything?
You know what?

I'm just gonna go
with the Arby's logo.

All right!

Here. Don't tell
anybody about this.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Shut up.
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