07x14 - Hi, School

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!

Is Douglas back from the store
with my eyedrops?

No, not yet.

If I don't have
my eyedrops,

I can't put my lenses in.

I'm blind as a $ hooker!

Didn't know $ hookers
tended to be blind.

Why do you think
they're only $ ?

Dad, could we just get you
glasses already?

I swore off glasses
in !

I know the year,

because the last time I threw
a pair at the television

was during a particularly
offensive bicentennial minute!

Say hello to your hero.

What?

We needed toothpaste,
right?

Well, it was on sale
for $ . .

Trouble is, it was
only one to a customer.

So how did I get ,
you ask?

Well, Doug bought one.

Then minutes later,

British Doug bought
a jolly good one.

Then...

Did you get
my father's eyedrops?

Excuse me. I was
about to introduce you

to Clumsy Shop-Teacher Doug.

So the one thing I asked you
to get, you didn't get.

No, but tubes of toothpaste!

We'll never need
toothpaste again!

We win!

Listen, I talked
to the bank today,

and I think we should
refinance our mortgage.

Carrie, we were lucky
to finance in the first place.

Let's not tinker
with the support beams.

Look, a couple of hours
of paperwork,

and we save thousands of dollars
over the next years.

I gotta tell you, my vote's
still leanin' towards no.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot to tell you this.

You don't have a vote.

We have to refinance.

Any money we save,
she'll just stick in the bank

Heffernan.

Uh, yeah, Mr. O'Boyle.

Kinda slow goin' there,
huh?

How 'bout
a little less Burger King

and a little more
deliveries?

Uh, I didn't stop
at Burger King today, sir.

Then Arby's.

Okay.

Listen, you got a pickup
at Jewel and Kissena.

The high school?

Yeah.

You kiddin' me?
I graduated from there.

That's funny.

Yeah, my sides
are splitting.

Let me get off
so I can tell the guys.

Hey, coach,
any chance you could use

a slightly
out-of-shape fullback?

Heffernan.

How are ya?

Ah, great.

Pull up a chair.
Let's catch up, huh?

All right.

Okay...

Married?
Yep.

Kids?
No.

We're all caught up.

Hey, I'm thinking of going
to Mr. Nagel's biology class

and settin'
all the frogs free again.

He can't suspend me
now, right?

No.

He's dead.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry-

No, that's all right...
seven years ago.

I'm all cried out.

I cannot
believe you said-

Hey, Brandon, Michael! Come
here, come here, come here.

I want ya to meet
a real...

running back.

Doug Heffernan.

All-county,
two years in a row.

Hey, nice to
meet ya.

How you doin'?

Yeah, all-county. Wow.

Uh, wanna tell 'em
about the Kennedy game?

Come on. They don't wanna
hear the old w*r stories.

Go ahead and tell them.
Okay.

We hitched our wagon
to this animal.

yards.

You're embarrassing me.

No, no, no.

He ran like he was
mad at the grass.

Hey, Arthur.

Have you ever seen
this Mr. Magoo program?

It's quite insensitive.

Oh, 'cause of that really
r*cist Asian character?

Oh, no. He's hilarious.

They should give that guy
his own show.

See, I don't see him
as a lead.

You couldn't be
more wrong.

My point is, the blind are
treated as if we're buffoons.

You're not blind.

Why don't you just
go get glasses?

I think you'd look
really handsome in them.

That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.

Wait a second.

You're not Carrie!

N- no, it's me, Holly.

I'm sorry. I can usually
recognize your gin-soaked voice.

I must need
my eardrops.

Listen, Arthur,
if you're not feeling well,

we don't have to go
on our walk today.

Wait, Arthur, no.
These aren't eardrops!

This is wart remover.

It says for external use only!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Arthur! Arthur,
can you hear me?

So then I cut to my left, right?

And the cornerback comes in
to try to get me, right?

So I say, "I'm gonna
cut to the right,"

But no, I go
right through him

and just cr*ck
his chest plate!

I put like a cleat in the eye,
I'm going crazy!

His eye's twitchin',

and his soul is literally
spillin' all over the field.

Then I just truck it
into the end zone.

Touchdown. Playoffs.

Something like that.

I don't remember.
It was a long time ago.

Awesome!

Yeah. We haven't made
the playoffs since, what, ' ?

Hey, hey.

I need this job.

You got time to tell 'em
about the Bayside game?

Heffernan, where are you?

We got
an emergency plasma pickup

at Queens General Hospital.

I got time.

Car, you're never gonna believe
where I had a pickup today.

One second, honey. I'm on the
phone with the mortgage company.

Yes, once again,
the name is Heffernan.

They told me to talk to you
about looking into a rate?

No, no, no, no.
Customer Service sent me to you.

Please don't send me
back there- Hello? Great.

Here comes
American Pie again.

My old high school.
It was unbelievable.

My old coach calls me
in the office, right?

We're hanging out there.

Then he brings students in

so we can tell them
some stories-

And then
- Yes, Marcus. Yes, it's me again.

Honey, please. Yes...

Yes, the yeller. Uh-huh.

Listen, you and Melissa
and me,

we all need to get
on the same page, okay?

Because she said
I needed to talk to you.

No, no, no. Don't put me
on hold again, plea-

I'm on hold.

So I'm telling
the story, right,

and these kids are
literally looking at me

like I'm one of the guys
from Menudo.

And all of a sudden-

I- I- I-
Listen, listen, baby, please!

God, I gotta focus
on this right now.

Do me a favor.

The upstairs toilet
is acting up again.

Please take a look at it.

Yes!

Treat her right,
and she'll treat you right.

Doug Heffernan,
class of ' .

This is broccoli!
What?

Broccoli!

Okay. Ready for broccoli.

Yam!

Okay. Ready for ham.

No, I said yam.

Yes.

What's the date
on this ham?

What's up?

Hey, we got any SunnyD?

Doug... where have you been?

What are you
talking about?

You were supposed to meet me
at the mortgage company.

Oh, uh...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

You forgot.
Where were you?

School.

You went back
to your old high school? Why?

We have a very big game
coming up.

Okay, I don't know
what it is you're talking about,

but I rescheduled
the appointment

for tomorrow at : .

Uh, yeah. 's
not gonna work for me.

And why is that?

Pep rally.
Pep rally.

Okay, you do realize
we're seconds away

from squad cars being
on our lawn, right?

Carrie, so... I like
hanging out there sometimes.

What's the big deal?
What's the big deal?

First of all,
you missed an appointment,

and it is a little weird
that a grown man

is hanging out
at his old high school.

And why the hell
are you wearing a backpack?

That's exactly why I go
hang out at my old high school,

Okay, 'cause I go there,
I'm somebody. I get respect.

I walk in here,
all I get is you yelling at me

and Ray Charles
bouncing off the furniture.

How 'bout this? When you
get home from work tomorrow

and you take your pants off
and fall asleep on the couch,

I throw ya
a parade, huh?

All I'm saying is,
high school was great.

And I miss having
that feeling, that's all.

You can understand that,
right?

No, I can't understand it
because high school sucked.

What are you talking about?

All the obnoxious cliques,
the cheerleaders-

"Excuse me, that's our table. "

The only thing I enjoyed
was smoking in the girls' room.

Ohhh. Oh, my God!

I- I get it!

Oh, my God, you're-

You're jealous
'cause I rocked in high school

and you didn't!

I'm Emilio Estevez,
and you're Ally Sheedy!

What does that mean?

Breakfast Club?

Never saw it.

You-

You what?!

I never saw it.

You never saw that movie?

No, I didn't see it,
Doug, okay,

because while you and your
buddies were watching movies.

I was working.
Oh, here we go.

Yeah, that's right. I had to
wait tables at Friendly's

because I had to take care of my
father because I was a grownup.

I had to be responsible.

Oh, why do I even
talk to you?

You can't talk to me
because I'm Ferris Bueller,

and you're
his very bitter sister.

Oh, my God.
You didn't see that either.

Okay, all I know is high school
is over for you, okay?

Now I have to get back
to very grownup stuff here,

so excuse me.

Okay. You know,
all I know is

your lack of classic-movie
knowledge is terrifying!

Hey, what's up, guys?

You guys, uh, ready
to crush Roosevelt?

Uh...

Yeah.

All right. Now, I hope
you guys aren't on the juice.

But if you are,

you know where to come
for clean pee.

Great.

So, uh...

You work here now or...

Work here? No, no, no.

I'm just here for the talk,
here to listen,

here to guide you guys through
the crazy minefield they call...

the teen years.

Great.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Doug...
what are you doing?

I'm just hanging
with the guys.

We're supposed to be signing
mortgage papers in half an hour.

Uh, Doug, we're gonna...

Go score a couple
of Red Bulls.

See ya.

Okay, thanks for embarrassing me
in front of my crew.

Your crew.

Um, okay. Here's how
it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room,

and you wrap up
with 'Nsync over there, okay?

And then we're gonna
get outta here.

Guys- Wait! Wait up!

Hey, uh,

can I bum one of those?

Thank you.

I'm not usually
a fan of hot pink,

but you really made that work.

Suzie,
it's gonna be okay.

It's not okay.
He's totally with Lisa now!

Um...

you're not supposed to be
smoking in here.

Oh... really?

Thank you for the heads up.

I don't even understand
what I am without him.

Just make him promise
not to cheat on you again,

and get him
a really nice gift.

Wow, that's really great advice.

Um, who are you?

Um, I'm the only person
in this bathroom

who knows anything about boys.

Just dump the loser
and move on.

You don't understand.
I love him.

And I keep hearing that
stupid Christina Aguilera song.

It's my life.

Stop.

Stop it.
Stop it, sweetie.

Stop. Stop.
Bring it down.

You guys are very depressing
for cheerleaders.

Excuse me...

but my life is over!

Oh, come on.

You have the world
at your feet.

I mean, look at you.
You're pretty.

You can probably bend in
a bunch of different ways.

So one guy broke your heart.
You move on.

But Brandon's perfect!

Okay, let me explain something
to you about Brandon, okay?

Twenty years from now,
he's gonna be pounds

and communicating to you
entirely in burps.

Trust me.

Wow.

What else
can you tell us?

Well, um...

unless you're planning
on being in the Ice Capades,

let's lose
the glitter makeup, okay?

Yeah.

Okay. Well, it's time
to begin our program.

We got a big game
coming up,

and we're gonna
take it to 'em, huh?

Yeah.

Good. That's the spirit.

McGregor is so weak.

I know. How are we supposed
to get pumped up to this?

You guys want pumped up?

You got it.

I've never seen anybody
run a library the way you do.

You know, in my condo

I got books laying around
all over the place.

Maybe you could come over
and help me arrange 'em.

And after our big win,

we're gonna bring it on home
to the state finals.

Yeah, I'll take it
from here, Mr. McG.

Doug Heffernan?

Yeah, that's right.
All right...

I got one question
for you people,

and that is,
"What's up, Commodores?"

Okay, see, now,
that doesn't work for me,

'cause back where I'm from,
we used to make a lotta noise.

I'm gonna ask you again.
What's up, Commodores?!

That's better. Now, you guys
ready to b*at Roosevelt?!

Yeah!

How 'bout this half
of the room? We gonna win?

Now this half!

Now just the sexy people!

Yeah! That's it!
We're gonna win this game,

and we're gonna
win every game

till we're kissing
that championship trophy!

And I'll tell you
something else!

You know what Roosevelt
can kiss?

They can kiss this!

God's sakes,
Heffernan...

pull your pants up.

Okay, Arthur,
I'm here.

It's me. Holly.

"Lost my voice
from screaming.

Also would like to go
to petting zoo. "

Do you want a glass of water?

No. No, Arthur,
you can do this.

Yes, you can. You-
Yes, you can!

You absolu-

Arthur, you have to
believe in yourself!

You have to believe
in yourself!

You can do this!

You can do this!
You can do this! Water!

Water! Water!

Water.

Water...

Hey.

What are you
doing here?

I was teaching little
Suzie Pinkus how to smoke,

and the little princess
threw up and got us caught.

What are you here for?

It'll all be
in the police report.

Hi.

Hey.

This your wife?

Yeah,
this is Carrie.

Carrie, this is
Coach Walcott.

Hi.
Hi, Carrie.

That short for Carlene?

No.

That's weird.

You know...

You can't, uh... smoke

anywhere on school grounds.

Yes, I know.
It'll never happen again.

And as for you, Dougie...

you pull your pants down

when you're a little kid,

it's cute.

When you're approaching ,

shaped like you...

it's... disturbing.

I kn- I know that now.

Now, I've got a story
I wanna share with you.

Quite a few years ago,
I was...

quite a football hero.

You like that picture,
don't ya, Cheryl?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, uh-huh! Anyway, I...

I used to drop by
my old high school, you know.

I didn't belong there.

Actually, you did,
'cause...

you're a high school
football coach, you know?

Let me tell you
a different story.

No, no, coach.
I think we get it.

He's telling us
that we can't go home again.

Exactly. Now, if you'll
just listen to Charlene...

I've gotta get back
right away,

because I got a librarian
coming over,

and I gotta pick up
a bunch of books.

I really love ya,
buddy.

I'll see ya in...
years.

So... are you
ready to leave?

Yeah.

So are you still mad at me?

No. I get the whole
high school thing now.

You do?

Yeah. I had some fun

in the bathroom
with some cheerleaders.

I wanna hear that story.

So tell me more
about your work with...

With the blind.

Um...

Okay.