07x18 - Van, Go

[bunniefuu]

Carrie?

Yeah, what's up?

Just checking
my e-mail.

What is this?

Oh!

Yeah, someone
sent that to me,

so I forwarded it
to you.

"Bumper stickers
we'd like to see. "

Yeah. They're funny.

Really?
Yeah, look.

"Honk if you love
peace and quiet. "

All right, all right.
Look it, I love-

Okay, I love this one.

"Plan to be
spontaneous tomorrow. "

Who are you?

What? What's your problem?

My problem is
you think they're funny,

and I'm married to you.

All right, so our sense
of humors are different.

No, they're not-
They're not different, okay.

Th- This is disturbing.

Like your sense of humor's
so great?

How 'bout the singing bass
you had on the wall

you thought was so funny?

Okay... It's a fish.

You walk by it,
it comes to life

and sings
"Take Me to the River. "

Yeah. Not funny.

Okay, Billy Bass
is not funny.

No, no. Oh, no, no.
Oh.

Oh, where are you
going?

I don't know!
I'll call you.

All right, hon.

I'm on my way
to Lowe's.

What for?

Remember we had
a -minute conversation

about me
redoing my office?

No, but why
would you lie?

Anyway, if you want
any input on how it looks,

you have to come with me.

Carrie, come on,
it's a home office.

Doesn't concern me.

Besides, I'm, uh, meeting Deacon
at this new place for lunch.

Could be an all-day thing.

Oh, wait a minute.

Am I gonna be able

to fit all that stuff
in the Jeep?

I doubt it.
Especially 'cause I got

a pallet of cinder blocks
in there already.

Why?
Uh...

Building my own meat smoker?

Childhood dream?

Learn me!

Hey, guys. We're back.

Oh!

Wait a minute,
Holly has a van.

Why don't you ask her
to help you out?

I don't know.

That's a pretty big
favor to ask,

and I haven't really been

"can I borrow your van"
nice to her.

I've barely been
"can I borrow your pen" nice.

Hey!

Hey.

So, Dad, what's
on the tap for today?

Nothing special,
so turn off

the interrogation light,
inspector!

What about you, Hol?

W- Why?

Oh, ju- Nothing.

I was just on my way
to Lowe's,

and I thought
you'd come along.

Me?

Yeah!

Actually,
I'm gonna see

my great-grandmother
at the nursing home.

Your great-grandmother?

Just tell her you went.
She won't remember.

I mean, sometimes
when I don't wanna cook,

I tell my dad
he already ate.

Yeah,
I don't know...

The thing is, Hol,
is, um...

I'd love for you to come with me
because I, uh...

I really love your taste.

Really?
Yeah!

And the thing is,

I really need you
to save me from myself,

because if I shop alone,
I am a sucker for ugly.

I mean, look at this,
I mean-

I was gonna say...
Oh, yeah.

I didn't wanna...
Oh, yeah.

Great. Great.
Okay, well,

You know what?
We can take my van.

Oh! That's right.
You have a van.

Yeah.
Okay.

Yeah, I mean, your car,
my car,

as long as
I got you with me.

Okay!
Okay!

So how long do we have
the place to ourselves?

Kids'll be back at ,
but I have to say

I'm having second thoughts

about this whole casino party.

Well, how else can we
make some money?

Well, maybe we'll get
those jobs we applied for

at the Skecher store.

Hey, it ain't gonna
be enough to pay

for the senior cruise
we wanna go on.

That's right,
the brochure said seven widows

for every able-bodied man.

Just like sh**t' fish
in a barrel.

Come on,
what do you say?

I'll go put
the Ensure on ice. Hey!

Hey.

I- I mean, you know,

Kelly and I
still love each other,

but when you got kids,

your whole life becomes
about them and their needs.

I mean, I'm not
a selfish guy, but...

I gotta tell you,
there's some nights

I just wanna drive away
and never come home.

I'm not saying
I'm not happy, but-

But what is happy?

You know
what I'm sayin'?

Like Snoop Dogg's happy.

Why can't I be that kind
of happy in like a-

A gangster pimp
kinda way or something?

I don't know.
It's just...

Sometimes I think I deserve
more out of life.

Yeah, it's tough
all over out there.

Hey, where's our waitress?

My- My, uh, wings are up.

Relax. She'll get 'em.

That's easy for you to say.

You already got your salad.

And by the way,
when did you start

ordering dressing
on the side?

What's next for you?
You gettin' a purse?

Oh, there she is.

Hey.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

I'll be right
with you, sir.

She's getting
coffee for them.

They just sat down.

Now she's taking out her pen.
I- I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I'm just gonna
get 'em myself.

It's okay.
These are mine.

I'm just gonna
take 'em.

Excuse me.

I thought I said
I'd be with you

in just a second, sir.

I was just
tryin' to save

some time here for you.

Uh, you can get
the blue cheese, though,

when you're ready.
Okay, thanks.

There you go.

If you wanna order
something else, tell me,

and I'll get it for you.

Okay, sir?

Right.

What a beyotch.

Did you say something?
Hm?

What'd you call me?

I didn't- I didn't
call you anything.

Oh, you didn't
call me anything,

'cause I thought
I heard "beyotch. "

No, I was, uh,
tellin' my friend,

he's, uh, had a bee
on his watch.

It's gone now.

I- I'm very
allergic.

So now you guys
are messin' with me?

No, we're not-
We're not doin' anything.

I mean, do you wanna go?

What?

I'll go right now.

You just, you're sayin'
you wanna- You'd fight me?

Any time.

I'm not gonna-
I'm not gonna fight you.

Yeah.
I didn't think so.

That, uh...

Th-That was
bone chilling.

Okay, I got
the wallpaper.

Now on to rugs.
Come on, sweetie.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

The- That choice
of wallpaper, um...

Gosh, I'm not feelin' it.
You're not?

Well, I'm feelin' it
pretty good.

Now, come on.

Let's go, quick.
Quick, quick like a bunny.

Come on.
Stop pulling on it.

No, no, no, no.
I- I'm just- I'm-

Car, I mean, the wallpaper's
nice and everything.

But you have to remember,

I mean, that office
is pretty small.

So?

I'm thinkin'
mirrors all around.

And that would be
really great

if I was remodeling,
let's say, a dance studio,

but, uh, I'm not.

Carrie, Carrie.

You brought me here
to help.

Yes.

And you are helping.

I mean, you are
pushin' that cart.

That's huge.
Mm, mm, mm, Carrie.

But you wanted me along

to help save you
from yourself,

which I think
was what you said.

So let's scoot that
back in there.

Go ahead.

Scoot it back in.
There you go.

Good, good, good.

Sweetie,
consider yourself saved.

Okay, let's get
some wood paneling.

Double goose eggs again.
Sorry, folks. Try again.

How's it goin' so far?

We already have enough
for the cruise,

plus a little left over
for matching bolo ties.

Let's wrap it up.

But if we go
another half hour,

we can have separate cabins.

That way, if one of us

is locking dentures
with a lovely,

the other one doesn't have
to sleep in the hall.

Look at Josephine.

She's eating her weight
in Cheez-its,

and hasn't played a nickel. Oh.

She's loaded.

Got hit by a bus
five years ago.

That's city money.

Talk to her.
I'll cover for you.

Ah, Josephine,
hope you're enjoying

our complimentary buffet.

Oh, yes.

And this cocktail
is delicious.

It's a pink lady.

Oh.
Rum and Pepto.

Oh, I noticed
you haven't been using

any of your chips.

Oh, I'm not really
very much of a gambler.

Ridiculous.

Let's get you to
a nice spot near the wheel.

Sorry, folks.

Hello.
Hello, Josephine.

Yeah, all right.
Here we go.

What number
would you like to play?

Oh, how 'bout ?

Seventeen it is.

Put my bet there.
No more bets.

You know, I've always
been very lucky.

I'm sure you have.

Seventeen.

Seventeen!

Oh!

Dude, that is
so annoying.

Why don't you just ask
for another soda?

I like ice.

You're scared of her,
aren't you?

Scared of her? No.

Look...

I only backed down
because she's a woman, okay?

Believe me, if I want
another soda, I'll get it.

I'll get it right now.

Amigo. Can I get
another one?

Root beer?

Is, uh- Is everything
okay here, gentlemen?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just wanna get
a little more root beer.

More root beer?

Didn't your waitress
offer you a refill?

'Cause at Slappy's,
your glasses are never empty.

That's a Slappy's guarantee.

You know what?
I don't think she even saw me.

It's fine,
'cause she was on the phone.

She was making
a personal phone call

while your glass was empty?

I don't know that it was
personal or not.

It's not really a problem.

Ho, ho, ho.
Sir, it's a problem.

Here at Slappy's,
it's a big problem.

I just want you guys to know

that your, uh, root beer
is on the way,

and, uh, because
of the inconvenience,

your meal today
is on Slappy's.

Well, thank you.

Oh, and, uh,
one other thing.

I'm off right now,

so I'll be waiting outside
in the parking lot,

where I'm gonna
gut you like a deer.

Holly, I- I really
don't wanna get

the, uh, blue light bulbs.

Just think how peaceful
it's gonna be

when you're paying
your bills.

Uh, yeah, it's just that
my checks are blue,

so basically
they'll just disappear.

Okay, let's pick out
some paint.

All right. Get ready,
'cause we're about to start

takin' some chances.

Excuse me.

I'm redoing
my kitchen,

and I can't
seem to decide

on dune grass
or taffy.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm really
not in the mood.

I'm sorry.

I just got divorced,

trying to get set
in my new apartment,

and I'm... lost.

Uh, hey.

If you really want

some professional
decorating tips,

that's your girl.

Oh, please.

Listen, I-

I would really
appreciate your opinion.

Gosh, I'd love
to help you,

but I got my hands
pretty full with this one.

No problem.

Okay.

What are you doin'?

Go with that guy.

Well, I'm not done
helping you.

Hey.

Help yourself to that
hunk of man over there.

He was totally
hitting on you.

Really?
Are-

Are you kidding me?

"I would really appreciate
your opinion. "

Practically asked you
to be his baby's mama.

I mean, he is pretty cute.
Yeah.

Are you sure
you'll be okay?

Please, I'll meet you
at the van in an hour.

Okey-doke.
Okay.

All right.

Excuse me.
Yes, ma'am.

Can I help you
find something?

Um, no, it's just somebody
left all this stuff here.

You might wanna
put it back.

Okay.

What's the magic number
this time, Josephine?

You know, I think I'm
going to put my chips on .

That's the number
of the bus that hit me.

Okay, here we go.
Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay.

No more bets.
No more bets.

How's it going?

They put a tower
on .

If it doesn't come up,
we're okay.

Oh, boy.

Twenty-four!

Oh.

I- I need to get home
for my insulin sh*t.

Can I cash these in
right now, please?

Certainly. One moment.

Let's all cash 'em in.

So exciting.

They wanna cash out.

What have we got
money wise?

Approximately nothing.

What are we supposed to do?

We must owe
a thousand dollars.

I got a little cash
in the car.

I'll go get it.
Okay. Hurry.

Come on, bro.
I gotta pick my kids up.

I am still
working on this, okay?

You gotta make a move here.

What- What do you
think I should do?

Well, listen, why don't you
just go out there,

get in her face and say,
"let's do this. "

I bet she backs right down.

Yeah, but what if she
doesn't back down?

Well, then, it's on.

How do you think
that would play out?

Well, you got her
in weight.

That's true.

Yeah, and she is
a waitress.

Yeah, I could use
her apron against her.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a hockey fight.

Yeah, just pull it
over her head.

But look, whatever I do,
I gotta do it fast,

'cause I can only go
full-bore for about a minute.

Then I gotta finish the fight
from a chair.

All right.

So... I guess I'm gonna do this.

You think I can take her?

Now, listen.

I love you...

and I believe in you.

If you can dream it,
you can do it.

But when I look
in her eyes...

I see you dead.

Hey, Hol.

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, my gosh,
you were right.

Johnathan
is really awesome,

and a great kisser.

Found that out
in lawn care.

Way to go. All right.
Yeah.

Well, uh, you go get
his phone number,

and pull the van around,

and I will load my stuff
up in the back.

Actually, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

What's up?
Well, Johnathan and I,

we sort of looked
at some floor plans

and got some materials.
We're-

We're gonna build
a futon.

Oh, way to go.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're gonna
take his stuff

to his house in my van.

Well, what about my stuff?

Well, I-
I just don't think

there's gonna be
room for it now.

But you know,
you can, um,

call for another ride

or maybe have it delivered.

You're gonna ditch
your friend, Hol,

for some guy you just
rolled around with

in a bag of mulch?

You're right, you're right.
I'm being rude.

I'm sorry.
I'll take you.

All right. Okay, is this your stuff?

Yeah, you don't
need to-

No, don't worry about it.

Just drive the van around,
and we'll be fine.

What's all this?
Where's-?

Where's all the stuff
that I picked out for you?

Oh. Um, well, I just
replaced a few items,

but this is still
basically your vision.

Mm, no. No.

Nothing of mine
is in here.

Huh.

Wait.

You didn't want me
for my taste.

You just wanted my van.

It's a big van, Holly.

Fine. Fine.

Take the precious van.
I'll have John take me.

Hey, John.
Hey, what's going on?

Let's go.
We're gonna use your car.

What?

You don't have your van?

'Cause there's no way
I'm fittin' this in my Geo.

What are you saying?

Hey, you be good.

Oh, my God.

Listen, um, I know
you're hurting right now,

so I'm just gonna go ahead
and pull the van around front.

Okay.
Thanks.

Thank you.
No problem.

For $ worth of chips,
you get this vial of pills.

Don't take them with alcohol

unless you really
wanna have fun.

All right.
Who's next?

Do you have more
of those pills?

All out.
Oh.

Then I'll take
this hookah pipe.

Mm.

Here we go.

You have
any more pills?

I'm out of pills.

But I do have this authentic
IPS uniform.

But it's huge.

Well, let your wife
have it.

Next!

Ah, the lucky lady.

Well, for your chips,
you have a choice

between a collection
of Louis Prima records

or a -minute shopping spree
in my daughter's closet.

I have $
worth of chips here.

Well, there must be
something here

that catches your fancy.

Dad!

You ready to do this?

Yeah.

Stay strong.

Get back here!

Now you're makin' me mad!

Oh, what's the matter?

Your short legs
can't move so fast, huh?

That's right.
I said it.

Go around!