07x20 - Catching Hell

[bunniefuu]

Hey.
Hey.

Why are you
all dressed up?

Well, you told me Carrie got us
into her company skybox.

Yeah, but it's still
a Mets game.

Why are you going
all Cliff Huxtable on me?

I've never been in the really
fancy seats before,

and I'm a little excited.

If I can make
your dream come true

and make us even
for breaking your drill,

then that's all that matters.

You told me you were
gonna pay for that.

And I am, with the magic
of Shea Stadium.

Oh, man.

Well, I guess it's better

than when you lost my cell phone

and paid me back
with the magic of a song

written personally for me.
Okay,

you didn't like
"Get Your Freak On, Deac-on"?

All right.

We should get going.
Where's Spence?

Oh, he's, uh,
gonna meet us there.

He's getting his mom
into a tub or out of a tub.

I don't know.
I shut down pretty quick.

Thanks for the tickets, Carrie.

Yeah, listen, I'm schmoozing
a very big client tonight,

so if you wanna show
your appreciation,

you keep this one
from embarrassing me.

Whoa.

I didn't shave the Mets logo
into my chest hair

just for you to enjoy.

It's for everyone.

All right.
Come on.

Here you go.

One martini,
extra dry.

Thank you, Carrie.
Oh, no problem,

and if you're hungry, they have
a great spread over there.

They have, uh, mini-quiche,
stuffed mushrooms,

and if you like living
on the edge, ballpark sushi.

Carrie, I truly like getting
my ass kissed,

but it's a nine-inning game,
so pace yourself.

Yeah.

all sucking up aside,
I really admire

what you've done
with your company.

You've built some
of the most beautiful hotels

that I can never afford
to stay in.

Real-estate development is still
a boys' club,

but I'm always looking
for a talented woman

to take under my wing.

Really? That's funny,

because I'm actually
between wings right now.

Oh, excuse me.
Yeah.

Joyce Robbins.

Oh, I-I have to take this.
Okay,

I just want to find my husband.
I want you to meet him.

Where is he?
What?!

No, those tenants were supposed
to be out by Monday.

What?!

Oh, you're breaking up.

You put mayo on a hot dog?

That's right, my friend.

And one day,
so will all of America.

Excuse me.

Come on, man,
let's move.

Yeah, I can't.
There's a lot of people.

Oh, God. You know what?
This ain't working.

I'm just gonna crouch and eat.
Whoa, whoa. Come on, man.

You're better than this.

Come on.
It's not that far.

It's called turning off
the water.

Excuse me.

Read me exactly
what the court order says.

Excuse me,
I just can't, uh...

No, I can't hear you.

What? Wait-

Ugh!

Oh!

Do you see what you did?

I'm very sorry. I just-
I couldn't get by you.

Well, a person with manners
would have waited.

That's a good point.

You know
what another good point is?

Oh, where you going?
Where am I going?

I gotta rebuild.
Aw, unbelievable.

Oh, this big oaf got mayonnaise
and relish all over me.

I mean, who puts mayonnaise
on a hot dog?

Oh.

This is an $
Giuseppe Graziano,

and now it's ruined.

I could just k*ll
that fat idiot.

Hey,

there's the girl.

Oh. Is this your husband?

Uh... yes! Yes, it is!
Oh.

Hey, honey. Heh.

Work with me, okay?

Um, Doug,
this is Joyce Robbins.

Hello.

Very nice to meet you.
Why don't you get acquainted?

I'm gonna report
that guy to Security.

I'm gonna suggest
they TASER him.

Great.

Is that a Giuseppe Graziano?

Turn it around.
What?

Yeah, that's right.
That was my client!

Who?
The woman you got

your disgusting hot dog
all over.

How 'bout she got herself
all over my hot dog, huh?

That's right!
I said it!

Doug, you are not going
in that box.

So go watch the game
somewhere else.

Both of you, out!

What did I do?

This happened on your watch.

Now, out!

Damn!

Okay, the roast is
in the oven.

The sangria is chilling.

I just think
it is so cute

you're throwing
this dinner party.

Then why are you trying
to ruin it?!

What? What did I do?

These seating arrangements.
What were you thinking?

What's wrong with them?
Well, for one thing,

you've got Lou Ferrigno
sitting next to his wife.

You never sit spouses
next to each other!

Well, I told you,
I've never done this before.

That's all right!
Don't cry again.

See, I'll put Mrs. Ferrigno
next to...

Roberto, the bag boy
from Waldbaum's.

The sexual tension
will be like rocket fuel

for the party.

I thought that was
what the brownies were for.

Actually, no,
I decided against those.

Ferrigno tends
to get pretty paranoid.

You put a lot of thought
into your dinner parties.

I have to. I'm host.
I'm chef. I'm jester.

Everything depends on me.

Well, I'm sure it's gonna
work out just fine.

Oh! I should take
this one away.

Dr. Feldman called
and said he can't make it.

What?

He said he wouldn't
feel comfortable

coming to the party,
seeing as how you're suing him.

That's a separate issue.

Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?

An odd number of guests
is dinner-party su1c1de.

Well, don't you know
anyone else?

No. Do you?

Yeah, I-
I know some people.

Then get someone.

Preferably a urologist.

Hey, how 'bout
those two down there?

Those look pretty sweet.

Yeah, they are pretty sweet,
but...

I'm not sure we can
get past the bacon.

Just go.

What's up, man?
What's up, baby?

You doing all right?
Ha, ha, ha!

Alrighty.
Ah! Good old and .

Ah.
Ah, feels good.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, uh, I think
you're in our seats.

Huh?
Yeah.

Oh, um... my God.

Is this field box J?

Oh, my God.
Is this third base?

I am all turned around.
This is third base.

Ah, man. My bad.

Sorry about that.

It's crazy.

I'm losing it!
Losing it! Hey!

Ah. All right. Let's just go
to the upper deck.

Upper deck!? Fine.

Now you're back to owing me
for breaking my power drill.

Come on, man.

We'll find some seats
down here, okay?

What were you doing

trying to drill
through concrete anyway?

Okay, I had a power drill
and a few Heinekens.

You do the math.

Look, down here.
Come on.

All right.
Okay. Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, these are really sweet.
Yeah.

Whoo!

Hey, hey, Beltran's up.

Hey, come on, Carlos! Hey!

Come on, C-dog!

C- dog, a little big one, baby!

Whoo!
Yeah.

Someone's throwing
baby carrots at me.

That's funny,
but we're done now.

Okay, that's it.
Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am!

Hold on a sec.
What is it?

I'll tell you what it is.

Your son is throwing carrots
at me, okay?

Brandon! Enough!
Control him.

Take a time-out
or something.

I'm sorry, Tina.

Oh, Brandon is throwing carrots
at some man...

who, by the way,
could stand to eat a few.

So last Valentine's Day,
I come home,

Carrie's got the entire place
covered in rose petals.

You remember that?

Ah, I think I would.

I did do it.

Mmm. And you know
what the best part was?

They were silk petals

because she knows
that I'm allergic to pollen.

Oh, yeah,
he is.

If you can imagine,
that head gets even bigger.

Stop! Ha, ha, ha!

I have to say,
for people married years,

you seem like newlyweds.
Oh,

this one keeps
the marriage fresh.

You should see what she does
for my Dark Shadows conventions.

Does this whole
hot-vampire-chick thing

with like a sequined
black bustier and...

motorcycle boots...

crimson lipstick.

Whew!

Excuse me.

Joyce Robbins.

One second.
One second. Heh.

All right. What's with
all this vampire talk?

And why do you have me
in a bustier?

I'm sorry. I went
to a very private place.

Listen,

we only have to get
through one ball game

as husband and wife, okay?

So just stop talking so much,
you freak.

This-

This whole thing is crazy.

Yeah, well, you can blame
your friend Doug for that, okay,

and his disgusting love
of mayonnaise.

She's coming back.

Okay. Would you mind
getting me another martini?

I did get a limo
for the night,

so I might as well
take advantage of it.

Sure. No problem.

Mmm. And, uh, sugar?
Yeah, hon?

Could you get me
another Sauvignon Blanc,

maybe something
from New Zealand?

Oh, think you should have
another drink?

Oh, it got me
through the first years.

I must say
you're the last person

I would ever have imagined
was a truck driver.

Needless to say,
I get that a lot.

Mmm. I mean,
you know about wine.

You're
a Revolutionary w*r buff.

I've always been drawn
to a man of varied interests.

Hey, Car...
Hey, uh, listen, Spence,

I'm sorry
I snapped at you.

I really appreciate
you doing this,

and, uh, I think
she's really liking you.

Yeah,
I think so.

She just invited me down
to her limo to have a drink.

What? She hit on you?

What is she doing hitting
on my husband?

She said I looked tense

and it seemed like I was trapped
in a loveless marriage.

What!? We're like
freakin' newlyweds!

We're not actually married-

Shut up.
Yes, dear.

Uh, excuse me,
Miss Robbins-

Oh, Carrie, I want to talk
to you about something.

Yeah, I want to talk to you

about a little
something-something too.

I have a rather big favor
to ask.

It involves sending you
out of town.

Oh, you wanna send me
outta town, do ya?

Uh-huh.

And it would be right away.

And where do you wanna
send me right away?

The Bahamas.

Really?

Mmm.

Yes. We're opening
a -star resort down there,

and I'd love you
to be my eyes and ears,

you know, check out the spa,
the restaurants, the shops.

All expenses paid,
of course.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Oh, Carrie, it- It would
really help me out a lot.

I mean, assuming
your husband could...

spare you.

What husband?
You know what I'm saying?

And that's why the Dutch
both delight and repulse me.

May I make a toast
to our host Arthur.

Thank you, Louis.
I have a toast of my own.

But I'll save it

for when we gentlemen
have our cigars and brandy

out on the driveway, uh?

And, Arthur, I just wanna
thank you for having me

and my Uncle Bernard
here tonight.

Ah, yes, Bernard.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Holly tells me you're-?
You're retired?

Yes, yes. I...
I cut hair for years.

Well, we're all going to have
to hear more about that.

When are we gonna eat?
I gotta take my pills.

In good time, George!

Oh, Arthur made
a lovely roast.

And thank you, Roberto,
for giving me

the five-fingered discount
on the potatoes.

I never knew
you could cook, Arthur.

Oh, yes.

I remember the first thing
I ever made.

It was a fried
bologna sandwich.

That was Elvis' favorite snack.

Ah.
Oh.

I'm not saying he stole
the idea from me,

but, uh, you do the math.

Actually, Elvis' favorite snack

was a fried peanut butter
and banana sandwich.

Oh.
Wow.

I'm sorry,
but how would a barber

know what Elvis'
favorite snack was?

I used to cut his hair.

You jiving me?

No- No, no, it's true.

He was the hairdresser
on The Ed Sullivan Show

for years.

You mean,
you really knew Elvis?

Oh, I knew 'em all.

Kate Smith,

Alan King,

Elizabeth Taylor.

She was even more beautiful
in person.

One time I said to her,

"Liz, if I ever turn straight,
watch out!"

Anyway, that's all
well and good.

Getting back
to the proper way

to make a fried
bologna sandwich-

Did you know
The Beatles too?

Oh, sure.
You knew The Beatles?

I- I gotta say
my favorite was Ringo.

He- He was a real sweet-
As a matter of fact,

he gave me this, uh-
This money clip.

Oh, wow.

Ay, que bonito.

Yeah! Ha, ha, ha.

What's the matter?

Now he's making faces
at me.

You keep making faces
like that,

your face is gonna stay
that way.

That's right. Trust me.
Happened to my cousin.

Um, sir, would you please
stop bothering my son?

Uh, he is bothering me.

Are you even supposed
to be sitting there?

I happen to know that those
are Dr. Epstein's seats.

Uh, I think Uncle Eppie is okay
with us sitting here.

Yeah.

It's mine now! Yeah!

What's up? What's the matter,
four-eyes? Yeah!

He took my ball!

What is wrong
with you?!

He's just a boy.

Hey, honey,
how's the big game going?

How did it go?
Did you tell her off?

Uh, not exactly.
Um...

here's what we're gonna do,
okay?

You're gonna go
down to her limo with her,

and I'm gonna go
to the Bahamas.

What!?

Yeah. Apparently,
she likes you so much

that she's willing
to give me a free vacation

just to get rid of me!

Wait a minute.

A second ago,
you were so insulted.

Now you're gonna pimp out
your husband

so you can lie
in the sun.

Yeah.

So you really want me to go down
and have sex with her?

I'm not gonna micromanage
what you do down there.

Isn't she a little
too old for me?

She looks , tops.

I don't know.
It just doesn't feel right.

Let me go about this
a different way.

Who's your favorite character
on Star Trek?

Squire of Gothos.

Okay. I was thinking more like
the Captain Kirk guy.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Now, when he beams
down on a new planet

and he meets
a half-fish green girl,

does he say, "Oh,
this doesn't feel right"?

No, he takes her behind a rock
and he does his business.

Am I right?

Technically, that would violate
the Prime Directive-

Spence, please.

All right, all right!

Damn, I got goosebumps.

Where'd you learn
to play like that?

Listen, when you're gay,

you're born knowing
how to play

at least three show tunes.

Come on, everybody.

Arthur,
what a great party.

If I wasn't a gentleman,

I'd punch you square
in the mouth.

What? What did I do?

That uncle of yours.

You pawned him off
as some dull barber.

Turns out he's
a fascinating h*m*!

Arthur, everyone is having
a wonderful time.

Yes.
But not because of me.

Does that really matter?

Why do you think I got this
collection of misfits together?

To hear
what they had to say?!

All right,
listen to me, Arthur,

I am not gonna let you
ruin this dinner party.

Someone is playing footsies
with me under the table,

and if that turns out
to be Roberto,

I'd kinda like
to see that through.

So dinner is served!

Yo corté el pelo
de Erik Estrada,

Ricardo Montalban,
Desi Arnaz, senior and junior.

Wow. Este hombre
es fantástico.

I can't believe
you can speak Spanish too.

I once had a lover
who was a Spaniard.

Oh.
There you go.

So did I.

Oh, you mean,
a Spanish woman.

No.

You think he's the only one
here with a fabulous gay past?

Arthur...

Why, I have had encounters
with thousands of men:

black men, Latin men,
bodybuilders!

Now let me tell you a story
about a confused Army recruit,

a bottle of moonshine

and a stern
but loving drill sergeant.

I was already exhausted
from the obstacle course.

Little did I know
there was one more hurdle

I had to clear.

Oh, yeah.

We're gonna be in the skybox.
It's gonna be great!

This sweater
cost me bucks.

Serves you right for trying
to be somebody you're not.

Okay, you know what?
That one had some soda in it!

Just give the kid
the ball back, man!

No! All right?
This doesn't bother me.

I'm just enjoying
a little baseball.

Come on, first and third,
let's see a little action!

You're giving
the kid the ball!

Oh, really?
Yeah, really!

And how's
that gonna happen?

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Yes, hello. I am flying down
to your island next week,

and I was wondering, is it
too early to book a massage?

Who's got strong hands?

I'll call you back.

Hey, I was just on the phone
with the hotel,

and I like what I'm hearing!

Oh, actually, about that,
you know, I just realized

I'm going to be down there
in a few weeks anyway,

so I'll just check things
out myself.

But thanks.

Did you chicken out?

No!

What happened?

You've only been gone
for a minute!

I- I'd never been
in a limo before.

It was... very exciting.

And it was more
like two minutes.

Exciting, Spence?
She's years old.

You said she looked .

Yeah. From space.

I just wanna-
I wanna die.

There! There he is!

There's the man
who ruined my suit.

Hey, Car,
isn't that your husband?

I'm just gonna grab
my purse and go.

So, what's the verdict
on that footsie thing?

Yea or nay?