07x21 - Slippery Slope

[bunniefuu]

How're we doin' in there?

It's coming,
it's coming.

Ah.
There we go.

Oh, one sec.
Be right back.

Come on.

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Hey. Watson fight
start yet?

Nah, they did this lame story

about how he was raised
by deaf parents.

Damn it, that's the one thing
I wanted to see.

All right, well, next week,
we'e doing it at our place,

'cause Spence and I will
breakin' in our brand-new

plasma TV.

You guys are
getting a plasma?

Still not sure I wanna do this.
Do what?

Danny found
a ski resort upstate

that just opened up
time-shares.

Yeah, yeah, and you go
up there for a free weekend,

and all you do is listen
to their sales pitch,

and you get a plasma TV.

Okay, but wait.
There's a catch. All right?

It's for couples
only...

so we have to convince them
that we're together.

I'm not seeing the catch.

Oh!

You know, just 'cause a couple
of middle-aged guys

share an apartment
and a car,

everyone assumes
we're lovers.

I think this
is a great idea.

Well, no offense, hoss,
but I believe

I can do a lot
better than you.

And- And by the way, if you
ever ordered off this menu,

you'd buy the restaurant.

Anyway, Carrie's never gonna
let you do this.

Why not?
'Cause of the way

you'll buy anything
from anybody.

Isn't she mad
about that stuff you bought

off that
shopping network?

Hey, those dolls were personally
endorsed by Marie Osmond

and will only
increase in value.

Oh, God.
It's so beautiful up here.

And it was really sweet of you
to surprise me with this trip.

Oh, come on. You work hard.
You deserve it.

So, what're we
gonna do up there?

Oh,
first we're gonna-

We're gonna take
some ski lessons.

Then we'll soak
in a nice Jacuzzi,

maybe have
a nice dinner,

take in a relaxing sales pitch.
It's gonna be great.

What?

It's gonna be great.

What sales pitch?

Oh, the- The whole
weekend's free.

All we have to do

is just listen to a little
four-hour chat

on their time-share properties.

I heard it's fun.

Time-share? Doug, why didn't you
tell me about this before?

Uh, because you would've
said it's stupid,

and I figured you wouldn't twist
my nipples on a curvy road.

Doug, you
don't understand.

These time-share people,
they don't stop

until
they sell you something.

They- They prey
on the weak and gullible,

i. e. you.

I admit, I-
in the past,

I may have made some purchases
that were...

questionable.

Yeah. You got talked into buying
a home coleslaw-making system.

Hey, before
the motor b*rned out,

Mr. Slaw provided us with the
best two weeks of our lives.

Look, I won't buy
anything, okay?

I- I won't even talk to anybody.
We'll have a great weekend.

Come on.
Okay. All right.

I did wanna learn
how to ski,

and the Jacuzzi
does sound nice.

About the Jacuzzi.

I'm not saying
they don't have one,

but I did make that up.

Hi.
Uh, Spence Olchin,

and this is my partner
Danny Heffernan.

Welcome to Pine Summit.

Yep. Just a couple of queens
out hitting the slopes.

Well, here you go.

Enjoy your stay.

Wow. This place
is nice, huh?

Yeah.
I coulda done without

the, uh, deer hoof
door handles. Ahem.

Come on,
show me some love.

No, it's nice,
it's nice.

But, listen, don't
get too cocky, okay?

You see these people
in the red vests over here?

Those are
the salespeople.

They're the bad guys.
I know.

Okay. No matter what you do,
you don't go with them.

Okay? If they say, "Mommy's sick
and she's in the hospital,"

you do not go with them, okay? Right.

Okay.
Now shake it up a little bit.

Hey, curly hair. Hey, vestie. Stop.

Hey, vestie.
Stop! You're annoying me.

All right. Okay.

Hey, they got hot cocoa
over there.

Check us in.
I'll see you in the room.

Hey.
Hey.

You here to look
at the time-shares?

Oh, yes. My husband and I
are very interested

in finding a second
home we can fight in. Oh.

You?
Oh, um...

We just came here
for the free weekend.

So did we.

I just gotta keep
my husband away

from the salespeople.

Hey.
I heard that.

Anyway, I'm Anna.
This is my husband Steve.

Hi. Carrie.
My husband is...

Wow.
That is affordable.

Yeah.
I like that.

Thank you.
Come here.

Come here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right, now it's your turn.
Come on, baby.

I don't wanna fall again.

You're not gonna fall.
I believe in you.

Okay.

There you go.

Oh, God.

Snowplow. Snowplow!
Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

I told you to snowplow.

Well, there's something wrong
with my skis.

Yeah... the skis.

All right, come on.

Help me.
Just help me up.

All right.
Ungh!

Okay. I'm done.
What?

Yeah. I mean, this was
a very nice thing, honey,

but skiing is just not my thing.
Let's just go home.

But we gotta stay the
whole weekend. What? Why?

I'll tell-
I'll tell you why.

Because we got
those dinner reservations

with our new
best friends tonight:

Stu and Amy.

Steve and Anna.
Whatever.

Look, I- I promised you
a great weekend,

and I'm gonna deliver,
okay?

Why don't we just take your skis
back to the rental place,

and we'll, uh...
we'll trade 'em in for a, ahem,

a Flying Saucer,
'cause that spells F-U-N.

You're gonna have a good time
this weekend. You really are.

Here you go.

Gave you extra
sweet potatoes

'cause you said
you like 'em.

Oh. Hey, uh, you know
what else I'd like?

To know what time
you get off of work.

Yeah,
I bet you would.

What are you doing?
What?

Hitting on a waitress?

You're gonna blow our cover
and we're not gonna get the TV.

Also, that was very
disrespectful to me.

Fine.

By the way, if she's
a natural blond,

I am the Queen of Sheba.

So they told me
that I was the first one

to ever drive a Flying Saucer
into the gift shop.

You know, on our first date
back in college,

Steve insisted on taking me
roller-skating,

even though I said
I didn't know how.

Eight beers and stitches
later, here we are.

We would've met in college too,
if our six weeks overlapped.

Hey, guys.
Hey. Hi.

I wanna remind you

there's a buffet tomorrow,

followed by a tour
of the units,

- the mandatory
sales presentation.

Well, if my bruised ass
has a vote,

we might
be headed home early.

Well, you do understand

that if you leave
before the presentation,

you forfeit
the free gift.

What free gift?

Oh. There's a free gift? This-
This just keeps gettin' better.

This is unbelievable.

The- The plasma TV.
We spoke about it on the phone.

Uh... no,
don't think we did.

Well, you remember.
I said you could either have

the TV
or the diamond tennis bracelet.

Oh, my God.
This is all news to me.

Mm-hmm.
This is, um-

Could you get
our waiter?

I hear they got
a frozen Turtle pie

that is
unbeatable here.

It's unbelievable.

All right, I'm sorry.
I shoulda told you

everything from
the beginning,

but, you know, we can still
make this a great weekend.

You are such
a lying sack of crap.

Or we could just
get through the weekend.

"Oh, my baby works hard.
She deserves this. "

You do work hard.

I- I mean, I'm guessing. I-

This whole trip,
lie after lie after lie.

And for what?
For some stupid TV?

Stupid? Stupid?
It's not stupid, Carrie.

It's plasma. Plasma.
Do you know what plasma means?

It means it's alive!

All I know is,
you have a great TV at home.

Oh... I'm sorry. That's not even
computing in the brain here,

'cause it's not great!

It is great,
and do you know why?

Because I saved and sacrificed
for that T-

I worked overtime.
That TV was paid with my love.

Yeah? Well, when I watch it,
I feel nothing but hate.

Look at this. They have
time-shares in the Caribbean.

That's where you should've
taken me,

if you weren't such
a selfish idiot.

I mean,
look at this.

That should be me
riding on that horse.

You couldn't even balance
on two flat pieces of wood.

You wanna try your luck
on a wild animal?

W- what are you doing?

Pack your gigantic
bathing suit,

because we are going
to Vista del Sol. What?

Yeah. Maybe we'll own
a time-share there too.

You know what?
The salesman was right.

If we had a time-share here,
that would force you

to take me somewhere nice
at least once a year.

The salesman was right-?
Carrie, listen to yourself.

What?
You said it,

they're gonna prey
on the weaker one.

We thought I was
the weaker one, but no,

it's you!

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Yeah.

So you got hit with a snowball.
Big deal.

Big deal? You know
why this happened, don't you?

Uh, somebody saw
your big fat head

and decided to hit it
with a snowball?

No. Uh, somebody saw
my big fat gay head

and decided to commit
a hate crime.

Oh, come on.

Don't be naive. Did you see
the looks of disgust we got

when we were
sharing that toboggan?

All right, fine.
Whatever. All right?

Point is, if us getting
that free plasma TV

means you gotta get
gay-bashed,

then you gotta get a little
gay-bashed, my friend.

All we gotta do is get through
the next six hours,

and you get
your stupid TV.

I wanna tell you
how much I love you for-

Just shut up.
Yeah, right.

I can't believe you.

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Ugh! I went out
to buy a ChapStick.

By the time I got back,
he was almost in escrow.

I swear,
these people are the devil.

I know. I almost had
a close call myself last night.

Well, I am sending Steve
out to the slopes

until we have to go
on the sales tour.

Good idea.
Take him with you.

What do you think,
Doug?

Ready to get off
the bunny slopes?

I am pretty much the only one
on that hill

with body hair, so...

Maybe it's time
to move up.

So Doug's been driving a truck
for about nine years.

I thought it was just a stepping
stone to something else,

but turns out
that's, uh... that's it.

Yeah. Well, these guys
are full of surprises. Mm.

You know, Steve and I
met online,

and nowhere
in his profile

did it mention his snoring
or his clarinet. Heh-heh-heh!

I thought you said
you guys met in college.

What? No.

Yeah, you told me the whole
roller-skating story

last night at dinner.

I did? Wow. Heh.

I guess a... couple of glasses
of wine at this altitude,

I'm liable to say anything.
Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm gonna, uh, rustle us up
some more coffee.

Oh, my gosh.

She's one of them.

Doug.

I gotta tell you,
this is some view, huh?

Pretty sweet.

You know
what it is, Doug?

I mean, Anna's great,

but the way I see it,

the big decisions
are better left to the man.

Absolutely.

Whoa.
Why did we stop?

Oh, that happens
all the time.

Yeah, well, I- I hope
it picks up again soon,

'cause it's cold up here.
Heh-heh!

Soup?

You brought your own soup?
Sure.

Why did I let Carrie
talk me out of

filling my wine pouch
with chili?

Mmm.

Can you hold that?
Yeah.

Hello.

He's one of them.

What?
Steve, he's a salesman.

Carrie?

Hey. Yeah, uh,
Danny Heffernan?

I wanted to sign up
for the : tour today.

No, no problem.
Oh, hi.

Are you the Olchin-Heffernan
party?

Heffernan-Olchin, but yeah. Ah.

You know, I heard
about the incident

with your friend
and the snowball.

Oh. Well, that.
Yeah. Forget it.

He tends to get
a little dramatic,

if you know what I mean.
Yeah.

Heh-heh! You know,
in light of this incident,

maybe Pine Summit
isn't the right place for you.

What do you mean?

Well, this is more
of a family resort.

So?
Well, I'm just saying,

we have a couple of properties
in Provincetown and Key West,

where you people are more free
to be yourselves.

"You people"?
What is that supposed to mean?

Sir, please don't take a tone
with me.

I'm trying to resolve
the situation.

We can resolve it by you giving
me and my boyfriend

our TV.

I'm afraid that's
not gonna happen.

Oh, it's gonna happen.

Oh, actually,
I just realized

according to the terms
of your contract,

the offer for the weekend
clearly states

it's "for married couples
only. "

Is that so?

Yes, it is, sir.

Well, we'll see
about that.

Hey, man.
Come on, let's go.

Hey,
not so rough.

You've been awfully
quiet there, Doug.

Well, you know,
soup. It, uh...

makes me think
about stuff.

Well, let it out,
man.

'Cause up here, you can scream
as loud as you want,

and no one's
gonna hear you.

I know who you are!

Yeah. I'm the guy who's gonna
give you the deal of a lifetime.

Just stay
away from me!

Come on, Doug.

Just tell me
what it's gonna take.

Leave me alone.

Whoa.

Come on, Doug.

Just tell me
what it's gonna take

to put you in a deluxe
townhome, cable-ready.

Get away from me!

I'll gas it up for you!

I got a two-bedroom
with your name on it.

No!

Come on, come- Ungh!

I'm okay. I'm fine.

[WIND WHISTLING

Come on, Doug.

Take my hand.

We both know how
this is gonna end.

Come on.

I don't know
why I'm looking at this

after the way you and Steve
lied to us.

I know, and to make it up
to you,

I'm gonna write down a price
that no one else is getting.

And I just want you to know
I'm taking a loss on this.

Wow. That really
is affordable.

Picture's
not that great.

I'm not sure
I'd marry a dude for this.

Well, I guess we know
that Skvidzski

doesn't make
a good product.

By the way,
those annulment papers

have been on our counter
for a week.

You gonna fill those out
or what?

Yeah, I'll get
to it, okay?

You know, not everything
has to be done on your schedule.

Do you have...
dental coverage?