07x22 - Buy Curious

[bunniefuu]

What the-

Doug, wake up.

Mm.

Doug, wake up. Something's
going on. Mm. Mm.

Wake up.

Honey.
Mm.

Wake- Doug.

Doug, stop!

There's red flashing
lights outside.

It's probably
a dance party.

Go back to sleep.
No.

No, there's an ambulance
across the street.

Some of the neighbors
are coming out.

Oh, I see the Ferrignos.

Come on. Let's go see
what's going on.

All right. You go.
I'll guard the bedroom.

You want to send
your wife outside alone

at : in the morning?

Okay. You've got
an ambulance

and the Incredible Hulk
out there.

I think you'll be okay.

Come on. Come on!
Stop it.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Paul d*ed.

Oh, my God!
Paul d*ed?

That's terrible.

Who was that again?

He lived across
the street there.

Oh. Was he the guy
that always walks

up and down the block
barefoot?

No, that's me.

So, uh,
was it sudden?

Not really. He'd been
sick for a while.

You know what?

I'm gonna put on some
coffee for everyone.

All right, man.
Catch you later.

"Catch you later?"

A man just d*ed.

Hey, life goes on,

What? No.
Why?

We're not gonna be the first
neighbors to go in.

It's tacky.
Hm.

Sorry, but it's a little
nippy out here,

if you know what I mean,
and I think that you do.

Douglas. Is this
a good time

to bring you up to speed
on my psoriasis?

You know, I was hoping
you'd ask me that.

It's a great time.

Well, she's
headed south.

What do you
suggest I do?

Arthur,
I'm not a doctor.

Tell me something
I don't know.

A doctor.
That's rich.

Okay. You know what?

I'll give you $
if you go back downstairs.

If I want
your money,

I'll take it while
you're sleeping.

Just give me
the crossword.

Hey, Dad.
How's it going?

Not so good.
I may have to borrow

one of
your knitting needles.

Well, I don't know
what you need it for,

but throw it out
when you're done.

Good call on that one.

Yeah. Listen. I had
a thought. No biggie.

I just wanted
to run it by you.

Let's buy
the dead guy's house.

But I like this house.

No. look. I don't
want us to move there.

I want us to buy it

before it goes
on the market,

and then we sell it
real fast for a big profit.

We flip it.

We- I know nothing
about that stuff.

Yeah, but I do. This is
how my boss got started.

You think he just
fell into some big

billion-dollar
real estate company?

Well, actually, he did.
But his father...

His father started
with just one house.

Okay. So let him buy it.

No, come on, listen.
I talked to Lou,

and he said the guy's
only relative

is some -year-old
Cousin Eloise who lives upstate.

She doesn't know what houses
go for around here.

We can get the house
for a steal.

So you- Now you want to
take advantage of an old lady?

And help her
to move on.

I don't know.

Something about this
just doesn't sound right.

Doesn't sound right.

How does "speedboat"
sound? That sound right?

I'm listening.
Okay.

Well, if we get this house,
we can have the money.

You could finally
get your boat.

Really? Could I name it
the Sara Lee?

Doug-

Look, Carrie's a nice name,
but not for a boat, okay?

I mean, "Oh, if you really
loved me, you'd name it Carrie. "

Well, I'm not gonna,
so get over it.

Wow.

Sorry. In my head I've
had this fight a lot.

Hey, Arturo.
Is Doug home yet?

Afraid not.
Oh. What's that for?

I signed up
for a drug trial,

but I can't seem to
read the small print.

How sharp are
those beady eyes?

/ .

Let's see. Oh. "Take
one pill each morning

for a period
of weeks. "

Sounds simple enough.
Nope, hang on.

"Some users may
experience nausea,

dry mouth, cramping-"

Hold on. They didn't say
anything about cramping

in their adorable
cartoon ad.

Well... most dr*gs
have side effects.

I did a trial one time for
a peanut allergy medication.

Oh, my God, my windpipe
closed up.

They had to rush me
to the emergency room.

They said if I'd gotten there
minutes later...

I'd be dead.

We're talking about me now. Oh, sorry.

Um...

I wish I could know for sure
about these side effects

before I start
popping pills.

What are you taking
them for anyway?

Uh, psoriasis.
Way downtown.

Oh, man.

That's...

That's rough.
Heh-heh.

You know, I think my mom
has the same thing.

Hmm. Is that so?

You know, when Spence
said you wanted to see me,

I was a little
surprised.

You never invited me out
for coffee before.

Better late
than never.

No, no! This one
is yours.

Oh.

Apropos of nothing,
you're not allergic

to potassium
benzoate, are you?

I don't think so.

Then bottoms up.

Hey, guys.
Glad you could make it.

Hey. Oh. Well, when you told me

there was gonna
be a memorial

right here
in this house,

I told Doug, "We just
have to go. "

Those were
her exact words.

Oh, it's so sad to think
that he's not gonna sit

in front of
this fireplace again.

Does it work?

I think so.

A working
fireplace.

You know how big
that is?

Oh, my God.

I think I feel
hardwood floors under here.

Okay, okay.
You know what?

You might want to bring down
the happy a little.

Okay. All right.

Ahem.

Hello.
Oh.

I'm Eloise.
Hi.

Oh, hi. Doug and
Carrie Heffernan.

Oh. Were you
friends of Paul?

Yeah. We live
across the street.

From Paul.

So sorry
about your loss.

Heffernan.

Oh, you left
a lovely note.

Thank you.

No. Thank you
for having

such a wonderful,
wonderful cousin.

Yes.

With a wonderful,
wonderful house.

Ah. What's to become
of this house?

Seriously, Eloise,
what's to become of it?

Ahem.

Pardon me?

Well, I don't know
if you're gonna keep it,

or, I don't know,
sell it?

Whatever
you decide to do,

we just want you to know
that we're here for you.

Tsk.

Although you may have
a little trouble

unloading it
with that smell.

Woo!

Did he die
in this room or what?

Rank.

Thank you very much
for coming. Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Sure.

What the hell
was that?

What? I was trying to
help out. I was being bad cop.

Bad cop? There's
no cop at all.

Well, you gotta
tell me that stuff.

Everyone,

if I could
have your attention.

I thought it would be nice
if we went around the room

and shared
some memories of Paul.

Bobby. Why don't
you begin?

Sure, I'd-
I'd love to.

The thing I remember
most about Paul is

the way he always had
time for everybody.

I mean, he showed
my son

how to build
model airplanes,

and he'd tell stories

of how he flew
in World w*r II.

I'd like to think he's
somewhere up there

flying right now.

Aw!

Doug?

Oh, we're going
counterclockwise?

I- I think that's
bad luck. I really do.

It's okay, Doug.
Go ahead.

Okay.

All right,
uh...

Paul.

Paul. What can I say
about my man Paul?

He, uh, did love
his model planes.

Yeah, he loved them.

Loved them a lot.

But not just, uh,
model planes.

He loved...

m- model cars.

Model boats.

All... kinds of models.

He dated models.

Yeah. I know what
you're thinking.

You know, "He's .
Why are models dating him?"

I'm gonna tell you why.
Uh, it's because, uh,

he respected them.

And they sensed that...

uh, because models have
unbelievable instincts.

And, yes, it ended
badly sometimes.

But he did not hit them.

It is not true.

It is never- It was
never- Never true!

Bottom line is, uh,
ahem...

Good neighbor...

Dated models,

Loved Bobby's son.

You're up.

Arthur. I've so
been enjoying

our little
get-togethers here. Heh.

Although...

does their coffee
taste bitter to you?

Sitting across from you,

I don't even notice.

Oh. Oh-ho!

So... anything new?

Mm, same old, same old.
How about you?

Any cramps, dry heaving?

What? No. No.

Why would you ask that?

Well, I just want to know
everything there is to know

about Veronica Olchin. Oh.

Does she like
silk sheets or satin?

Do you like eggs sunny-side
up or scrambled? Oh.

Do you have swelling

in one or both of
your breasts?

Oh, Arthur.

This is a family place.

Seriously.

Hello?

Hey, honey.
I just pulled up

the comps
for the neighborhood.

If we get this house, we are
gonna make a k*lling.

Sweet. 'Cause I've been
boat shopping,

and they be's
a lot of money.

Well, we's gonna have
a lot of money.

Wait a minute.
What?

What's Lou doing
over at Paul's?

He's-

He's watering
their flowers.

Why would he be
doing that?

Oh, my God. I bet you
he's trying

to buy the house
and then flip it too.

What? No, come on.
He's not that savvy.

Not that savvy?
He's a giant.

With a giant
brain to match.

Oh. Maybe
you're right.

Remember he was walking
around the memorial

like he owned
the place.

Go over there and find out
what his game is.

Oh. I'm going.
I'm going right now.

Hey, Lou.
Hey, Doug.

What you doing? Just
watering Paul's flowers.

Oh, well, isn't
that neighborly?

It's just, uh, Paul
really loved his garden.

I thought maybe someone
should look after it.

Aww.

You listen
and you listen good.

Don't go up
against us

because you'll lose
every time.

Hey.

Where have you been?

Lou's probably got
the house by now.

Oh, probably not
'cause...

we got it!

What?

Yes, that's right. After
we hung up, I called Eloise.

I made her an offer,
and she accepted it.

We got the house.

We got the house.
We got the house.

Come on.

You know what,
honey?

This is the start of
a whole new life for us.

Yeah. Now let's
go get

that giant freak
off our property.

Hey.
Hey, there she is!

Yeah.
All right. Mwah!

Oh, look at
this place.

Who wouldn't
want to buy it? Huh?

I dare you
to tell me.

I cannot tell you.
I lose the dare.

Mm-hm.
That's right.

So did anybody come by
and look at it yet?

Uh, no.

No. That's okay!
It's totally okay.

Nobody sells a house
after the first weeks.

No. Nobody. I mean,
well, people do,

but that's ok!

It's great.
Yeah.

It's great.

By the way, I, uh,
talked to the electrician,

and he said
to fix the wiring

and patch up
the hole,

it's gonna run us
$ .

Wow. That's weird
because

I talked to
the plumber,

and he said the leak
in the upstairs bathroom

is gonna run us
too.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, that's a"coinky-dink. "

Spooky.

Mm.
Mwah!

All right.

We're never gonna sell
this place, are we?

Not ever.

I knew it! I just
knew you-

It was a big mistake
with the whole,

"We'll just flip it!
We'll flip it!"

What? That's the way
my boss got rich.

Well, here's
the difference.

He's smart.
You're dumb as ass!

Well, you know what?

This is all
your fault really.

What?!
Yeah, that's right.

You rushed me into
making an offer with,

"Lou's watering
the plants.

He's gonna buy the house.
He's got a big brain. "

Do not try to
pin this all on me.

This is all
your evil plan.

Oh, it's just
business, Doug.

Oh. You know, actually, we got
exactly what we deserved.

We pretended to care
about some dead guy

whose name we don't
even know.

I still don't
even know it!

I want to say Pete,
but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong.

Okay. Lower your voice.
The neighbors will hear us.

We are the neighbors!

By the way,
you promised me a boat.

I'm getting my boat.

Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.

And I'm naming it
after you:

The Dumb As Ass.

Well, let me tell
you something,

Captain Sandwich.

the only reason
why I did this

is so we finally had
a sh*t at some real money.

It's always about money
with you. You're obsessed!

Well, maybe I wouldn't be
if I married a man

who had one ounce
of ambition.

Oh. Well, then, maybe you
should've married somebody else.

Well, too late
for that now.

No. Hey. You know,
we get divorced, huh?

I'll divorce you
right now.

Oh. I will divorce
the crap out of you.

Let's jus- Let's just
regroup, okay?

Come on.
All right.

Now let's just fix
what we can fix

and sell the house
for what we can,

and just get back

to our normal,
poverty-stricken lives.

I would love that.

I'm sorry for-
For what I said.

I know you are.

You would never
divorce me, right?

No.

No!

That's it.
Finish it all.

You know, this coffee is

starting to grow on me.

Mm-hm.

Is anything else...

growing on you?

Ooh.

Oh. By the way,

I have to cancel
our date tomorrow.

I'm going out of town.
What?

Well, I- I'll only
be gone for a week.

Well. A lot can
happen in a week.

What if your hair
falls out,

or you have
difficulty blinking?

I- I'll never know.

Arthur, you know, I-
I really enjoy being with you.

But I must say, some of your
questions are awfully strange.

You know,
you gals amaze me.

You're always saying we men
are afraid of intimacy.

But I ask you
for one stool sample,

and suddenly
I'm the bad guy.

What is going on here?

I'm doing a drug trial. What?

I was afraid of
the side effects,

so I've been putting
the pills in your coffee.

Oh, my-!
How dare you!

How dare me?

I've been plying you
with top-of-the-line

experimental dr*gs,

and now you're
leaving me in the lurch!

Oh! To think I actually
thought you cared about me,

when all the time I was
just your lab rat.

I understand
you're upset,

but just tell me
one thing.

What?

Would you say your psoriasis
is much better,

somewhat better,
or no change at all?

Here we have a lovely
working fireplace,

perfect for roasting
marshmallows

when little- Little
Michael has some sleepovers.

It's Malik.

Malik. Right.

Either way,
he's a little stud.

Good thing I'm not gonna be
his teacher when he's .

You know what
I'm saying? Ha!

You know?
Ha-ha!

Hey! Hey, honey. This is Larry

and Vanessa Taylor,
and their son, Malik.

How you doing? Whoa. Don't
want to mess with this guy.

Can we look at
the kitchen again?

Sure. Go ahead and
take it for a test drive.

Ah. Heh-heh!

Honey, I think
they're interested.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, what about
all the, uh, wire repairs

and the plumbing repairs? All done.

You're kidding me.
What did it cost us?

Not as much
as you think.

That's great.
How much?

Sorry, what was it?

Seventy-five dollars.
Ahem.

Seventy-five- It was

supposed to cost us
like four grand.

Who the hell
did it for ?

Barefoot guy.

Barefoot guy?!
Does-?

Did he even really
fix anything?

Oh, fix,
not fix.

Why do you
always gotta

slap a label
on everything?

Carrie, we cannot
do this.

We are not
screwing over these people.

What? The old lady
screwed us over,

so we're gonna
screw over somebody else.

It's the circle of life.

Carrie?
Yes?

Think we'd like to
put in an offer.

Really?

This is a great house.

And that little room
off the master

is gonna be
perfect for the baby.

Baby?

Yeah. We got one
on the way.

Uh...

a- a-actually,

D- Doug and I have
been talking,

and, uh,
we don't think

this is the-

It's the right
house for you.

Why not?

Oh, we just
don't think you're-

You're gonna be
happy here.

Is this 'cause
we're black?

What?
No.

No, no.

Then what's
the problem?

The house has a million
things wrong with it.

It's a very
bad house.

It was fine
a few minutes ago.

Look, we're telling
you the truth, okay?

Oh, you don't
believe-

Can I borrow this
for a second?

Okay. All right, thank you.

How's this for
fine craftsmanship?

Actually, that wall
is pretty solid.

Honey, why don't you
show them the broken pipes?

That'll prove
we love black people.

Yes! Yes! Great idea!

Okay. Everybody,
you better take cover.

Get up there girl.
Okay. All right.

Hit it. Come on. I'm trying, baby.

Just jab at it. That's
it. See? I'm jabbing.

Yeah, bad.
Bad house.

Shame on you.

You better
watch your back.

So should we take
the offer?

I don't know. We're
getting k*lled here.

What other choice
do we have?

All right.

Let's do this.
Okay.

Lou...

we've decided to
accept your offer.

Great.

We still think you're
low-balling us.

Oh, I am.