08x07 - Inn Escapable

[bunniefuu]

I know your place is
a bed and breakfast,

but where are we at
with the other meals?

Included? Not included?

Awesome.

Oh, I gotta go.

My wife's coming down, and this
trip is a surprise for her.

OK. Bye.

Hey! There she is.

Hey.

Oh, no need.

I already poured you a cup
of coffee right here.

And got your cereal out
ready to go.

Gonna have a little
cereal there?

Mmm, nah.

Really? It's specially
formulated for women.

I've had two bowls,

and already I'm feeling
bloated and a little moody.

Ha ha ha. Come on.

Fine, I'll have some cereal.

All right.

That's all your having?

Let me top you off here.

That's all right.

That's OK, it's good cereal.

Hey, really, stop.

Whoa!

What is that?

The sugar creek
bed and breakfast?

What the hell is this?

Yep. Pack your
bags, baby,

'cause this weekend,
I am taking you

to a little, quaint rustic inn

boasting mountain views

and scenic walks along
a romantic stream.

You planned a surprise
trip for us?

Yep.

And it's not to Cooperstown?

Nope.

Actually,
it's near Cooperstown.

But we're blowing
right past that.

OK, no-this weekend's
all about

Doug, Carrie,

and a little thing
I like to call love.

Honey, that is so sweet.

Mmm!

Thank you!

This place looks great!

Yeah-there is a little
bit of bad news.

Sugar creek doesn't actually
have any sugar in it.

I checked.

Well.

Douglas. Darling.

Hey, dad, Doug is taking me
upstate for the weekend.

Oh, wonderful.

I'll do my best not to die

while you sip pina coladas
'neath the swaying palm trees.

Either way, don't call.

Hmm.

Dad, come on, you'll have
the house to yourself.

Plus, a perfect chance to do
tai-chi in your shorty kimono.

Actually...

There's a rather fetching widow
I met at the senior center.

She winked at me during
the pledge of allegiance.

Oh.

You want to invite her over?

For god's sake,
your mother d*ed years ago!

When will you let me move on?!

Huh?! Huh?!

Look at this!

Oh, this is great.

Wow.

A lot of kitty cats.

Hey, check this out.

Myrtle--

welcome, welcome.

I'm Betty Chapin, innkeeper.

Hi. Carrie and Doug Heffernan.

Beautiful place you have.

Yeah, everything's so dainty.

Well, people were a lot
smaller years ago.

You know why?
No Arby's.

Arby's! Ha ha ha!

You gotta tell that one
to my husband Ed.

OK, so let's get
you two signed in.

Oh, OK.

I'll sign in.

Uh...

How do I do this here?

I'm guessing it's--

oh. Uh...

It's over right in here.

Excuse me-excuse--

I just need you--
I just need you--

now, just...

Can you--

Doug heffer is fine.

That's fine. That's good.

Well, you must be tired
from your long drive,

so let's get you
up to your room.

OK.

I put you in number .

I hope you like antique dolls.

I do, just as long
as their eyes close.

People were a lot
smaller a long time ago.

Here we are.

Huh? Huh?!

Oh, it's adorable.

Oh, look! A fireplace!

Actually, we had
to seal that up.

The squirrels would crawl in there
and get trapped in the flue

and then, well...
basically, liquefy.

Here's your bathroom.

Now, I made sure you
had plenty of towels.

And if you need anything,

I would--

oh!

Ed, what are you doing?

I told you
we had guests coming.

Well, they're early.

Why didn't you just use
the shower downstairs?

You know that doctor told me

I'm supposed to soak it.

Well, just get out.

All right.

Mmm.

Ed seemed nice.

Mm-hmm.

And clean.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Needless to say,

that's my husband Ed. Ah!

Well, anyhoo,
dinner's at : ,

and then out come
the board games.

I hope you two aren't shy,

because Ed and me play a
mean game of Balderdash.

Balderdash.

That wasn't even
in the brochure.

You do like it here, right?

Yeah.

It's fine.

And you know what?

I love you for thinking of it.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Then general patton
turned to me and said,

"that's the best damn
cup of coffee I ever had.

Now, let's win this w*r."

Oh, Arthur.

I mean, what an
- what an amazing life you've led.

I go where the stars need me.

Now, let me freshen
your grasshopper.

Oh.

Would you excuse me a moment?

Hey, Arthur...

Hey!

What you got going on
in there, my man?

I bought her dinner.

I'm getting her liquored up.

What do you think is going on?

All right.
All right.

I'll get out of your hair.

Look, Carrie said
you needed some milk,

- so...
- Fine.

All right.

Hey...

Play on, player.

Who was that?

A jehovah's witness.

Now they give you milk.

Like that's gonna
turn me around.

Arthur, it's--
it's getting late.

I think I should be going.

No, no.

I want you to hear Robert
Mitchum "sings calypso."

It's positively savage.

Oh.

But won't your children
be home soon?

What?

Children?

I live alone.

Oh, well, j--

Josephine told me that, um...

That this house belongs to
your daughter and son-in-law.

Josephine also thinks
her fish sticks talk to her.

Ha ha.

No, no. I--
I live alone.

Oh, well, I think
I should be going.

Uh, uh--

Please, Annette,

it gets so lonely in this big,
completely-paid-off house.

And...

Your laughter has
made it come alive.

I don't want that to end.

Oh, well...

There is a...

Midnight bus.

So, when are the rest of
the guests coming down?

Oh, you two are it.

For the whole weekend?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's been like this

ever since they opened
that damn Hyatt.

There's a Hyatt?

Yeah, right over there on the
other side of the woods.

It's a disgrace.

They even tore down the smelting
plant just to add a luxury spa.

A spa?

What's up?

Marmalade really
likes you, Doug.

He does?

Is there an area
where he eats?

Or, you know...

You know why marmalade likes
him so much, don't you?

Who does Doug look just like?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Doug is the spitting image
of Ed junior.

Well, that's our son.

Does Ed junior have the same
appetite this one's got?

We don't talk about Ed junior.

OK.

When he walked out of here years
ago, we stopped having a son.

Ed!

- Betty.
- Ed!

Betty!

What's up with
that last drumstick?

Oh.

Coming right up.

It's not too dry then?

Oh, it's delicious.

Oh. I'm so relieved.

You know, this turkey was
still frozen this morning.

So, I had to put it
in the tub upstairs

to defrost.

Ugh!

I am still tasting
that turkey.

I'm still tasting Ed.

Well, we...

We should probably
head downstairs.

What?

We got chutes and ladders
in minutes.

Chutes and ladders?

Doug, the only
ladder I want to see

is the one that's getting
me out that window.

Oh, come--

come on, so we had
a little tub turkey.

All right, let's try
and move past it.

What are you--
what are you saying?

You actually want
to stay here?

I wanted this whole weekend
to be great for you.

And it can be great, honey...

At the Hyatt.

Doug, is that you?

Yeah, uh, first off,

just, I want--
love that place!

And we love having you.

Yeah, about that...

You know, I gotta tell you,
the way business has been,

Ed and me thought we were gonna
have to shut down for sure.

And then god has sent us
you and Carrie--

our two angels...

Giving us hope.

OK, come on.
She's sleeping.

Shh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Shh!

Oh.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!

I have a splinter
in a bad place.

Crap!

Their stupid truck
is blocking us.

Huh?!

Somebody out there?!

Let's go.
Let's just go.

What about the car?

We'll get a new one.

How far is this place?

I don't know.

Just a little further this way.

How much farther?

I don't know.

Would you just stop talking?

What is wrong with you?

Seriously, I need tweezers
and a small mirror.

Doug, come on.

Oh, wait a minute.

I see lights from the hotel.

Come on.

What the hell was that?

Marmalade!

That freaking cat
followed you!

He thinks I'm Ed junior.

Marmalade!

Marmalade!

OK, come on, let's go.

Oh, crap!

Oof.

I'm OK.

Carrie!

Marmalade!

Doug?

Found her.

Nice going!

You just earned yourself
a turkey sandwich.

Oh, good morning, Arthur.

Oh, you're still here?

I'm making you
some egg beaters.

How thoughtful.

Now, let me return the favor

by escorting you to the bus.

Oh, I'm...

I'm in no rush.

Annette, no one looks forward
to the walk of shame,

but the sooner, the better.

Oh.

Arthur, I was thinking about what
you asked me to do last night.

Again...

It was merely a suggestion.

We did fine without it.

Oh, no, no, no.

When you-when you said how lonely
you are in this big house,

and you never wanted
me to leave.

Oh, that must have been
the creme de menthe talking.

What I'm trying to say is...

Yes.

I'll move in with you.

I...

I- I...

I'm overwhelmed.

Looking for something, Doug?

Oh.

Uh, no, just...

Checking out
your lawn dwarves.

Uh...

We were thinking
of getting some.

You happy with 'em?

I guess.

Here's your toast, Doug.

Oh, great.

Now, are you sure I can't interest
you in a nice turkey omelet?

No, I'm sticking
with the toast.

Thanks.

Mr. Boots, for the last time,
stay out of the butter!

Oh.

So...

Carrie still hasn't
come down yet?

Um, yeah, she's uh, you know,
putting on her face.

You know how long that takes.

Ha ha.

Wish this one would take
a little more time.

She just rolls on down
looking like hell.

Good morning!

Hi.

I thought you
were upstairs, dear.

Oh, uh...

Yeah, I just-- I got up early,
and just went for a walk.

Well, you're just
in time for breakfast.

Oh, I just--
I already had breakfast.

I, uh, I picked some...

Some berries.

Would you guys excuse me...

Please?

Why can't you dress like that
to pick berries?

OK.

We can tear the wall out,
give you granite countertops,

a tile backsplash,
and the island you wanted.

And I think we can do it
for under , .

What do you think, Arthur?

Sounds reasonable.

Uh, Pete,

I want you to come look
at the living room.

I'm thinking we should
gut the whole thing...

What's that big tarp
doing in the back yard?

Apparently, we're
putting in a gazebo.

What?!

Oh, hello again!

Yeah, hi.

Look--

what's going on here?

Arthur, why does this man
keep coming over?

Truth is, he's my
parole officer.

What?

I wouldn't blame you
for walking away right now.

Oh, no, Arthur.

Everyone makes mistakes.

I can tell you're
a good man at heart.

He's also...

My lover.

Is this true?

Yeah, I couldn't help myself.

Well, it's not ideal.

Just try and make sure

he leaves the house
before I get home.

Hey, babe, where's
the big suitcase?

It's in the woods.

Why'd you leave it
in the woods?!

Why'd you leave me
in the woods?!

I thought you were
gonna catch up.

I waited and waited
for you at the hotel.

I was worried sick.

Wait, what's that ink
on your hand?

Oh, um...

A pen exploded in my purse.

It's a stamp.
It says "club neon."

Oh, right, right.

Oh, oh!

It was a disco...

Ha, in the hotel.

You went dancing?!

Well, Doug, once I knew
you weren't coming,

what did you want me to do,

stay in that big suite
all by myself?

You--
you got a suite?!

Fine, you know, yeah.
You deserve a suite.

After a tough night
of dancing,

you don't want to go
back to a regular room.

Oh! Honey,
come on.

We can still have
a great weekend.

OK, look.

I'll go downstairs
and make up some excuse to...

to cat lady and tub boy

and we are out of this dump
and into the Hyatt!

All right?

No. No.
You know what?

You go to your fancy hotel.

I'm staying right here
with Ed, Betty,

and marmalade.

Yeah, 'cause they like
me for who I am,

not where I can take them.

They think...

I'm an angel.

OK, there's a ham
floating in the bathtub.

Oh, my god.

Ed.

I'm home, pop.