08x08 - Move Doubt

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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08x08 - Move Doubt

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey.
- Hello.

OK, uh...

Before we go any further,
I don't have any money.

I don't want any money.

I just want a little
sugar from my man.

Well, I am a good source
of sugar.

Close your eyes.
I'm gonna take over.

Shh, shh, shh.

Heh! All right.

Aah!

Sister Christian!

What are you doing?

Honey, I'm sorry.
I had to.

It was huge.

It was casting a shadow
over your face.

My eyes are waterin'.

Honey, I'm sorry. Look,
you're a good-looking guy,

and I just want you
to look your best, OK?

OK, it's over.
All right.

All right. Now, come on.
Let's get back to business.

There you go,
you little sexy thing.

Just the nose hairs.

It's gonna happen.

OK, you're about pounds
from that couch hiding you.

Help me.

Yeah, you just wait till I get my
suit made out of couch fabric.

You'll never see me again.

Candied yams?

Who the hell do they think
they're foolin'?

Hey, did you see the
for sale sign next door?

The foreign couple's
moving out.

Really? That sucks.

They were--
they were good neighbors.

They really knew
how to leave you alone.

What are the chances of the new
neighbors not speaking English?

Crap, you're right.

Now I'm gonna have to
tell them my name,

what I do...

Aw, I've got to lie down.

No, no. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Deacon and Kelly are
looking for a new house.

What's wrong with them
living right next door?

You know what's wrong with it?

Nothing! That's
what's wrong with it!

All right, I'm gonna
call Kelly right now.

Put this stuff away.
All right.

Ooh, chocolate chip
pound cake.

Don't get too comfortable.

Deacon and Kelly
aren't here yet?

No.

You told them : , right?

Yes. Could you not yell
at me in front of people?

Just take me aside.
OK, baby, I'm sorry.

I just don't want somebody else
to get the house, that's all.

Believe me, I know.
Look at that guy.

He's got "meth lab"
written all over him.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, you guys!
Welcome to your new home.

Hey!

Doug told me the house
was on your street.

Didn't say it was
right next door.

Told you there was
a great view.

Turns out it's of this.

Right.

Let me give you
the grand tour.

Let's start with the kitchen.

I will, uh...

Point out everybody
I hate from the window.

I'm tellin' you, it's fine

this color scheme doesn't
match anything we own.

So we'll re-paper.

Yeah, by "we" you mean me.

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

Well, we heard the place
was for sale,

and we thought this would be
the perfect starter house for us.

OK, and just to check
one more time,

you two aren't raising
white tigers?

Doug, open your eyes.

A lot of young, straight
guys buy houses together.

All right, that couldn't
be any less true.

Hey, you didn't tell me your
neighbor was a fellow Albanian, man.

Wassily's a sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you two doing here?

Me and Spence
are thinking about

dipping our toes
in the homeowner pool.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is Deacon
and Kelly's house.

Whatever freaky thing
you two got going...

Ain't happening here, buddy.

Excuse me, Carrie, all right,
but I think this is a free--

it only gets worse
from here. Walk away.

Wassily, I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to pass.

Oh, too bad.

But good to meet a nice
young Albanian like yourself.

Well, you know what they say--

very good.

This is my niece, Zana.

She just came from Shkoder.

Oh, really? Well...

Heh, wuzzup?

Hey, what'd ya--
what'd ya think?

It's-it's really
nice. Yeah.

Yeah, listen. Uh, this
place is gonna go fast,

so you guys should come
in right in at asking.

Or, you know, even less
than asking.

You know what we should do?

We should put in a fake bid.

OK, that would
drive the price up.

Do me a favor.

Just leave the real
estate stuff to me, OK?

OK, why don't you
leave your attitude--

Guys, guys, guys!

We're getting a little
ahead of ourselves here.

Yeah, I mean, we're
not really sure

that this is the
right place for us.

What?
What do you mean?

It has everything
you said you wanted...

bedrooms, a huge
backyard, skylights.

/ car garage...

In case you got a car...
And a half.

Well, yeah, but we were
just down in the basement,

and... you know, we
were a little concerned

about the--
the water heater.

Yeah!

It's no good.

Oh.
OK.

All right,

don't we have to go see that
other house in minutes?

Oh, yeah.
W-we better scoot.

Yeah.

Thanks again
for thinking of us.

Yeah, no pro
- let me just get you a listing...

Yeah, give her this...
You got...

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, they, uh...

They sure got
out of there fast, huh?

Yeah, well, when you gotta
scoot, you gotta scoot.

Mm-hmm.

Even if it means
taking out a mailbox.

Well, you know, it would have been
nice to have them as neighbors,

but you don't wanna mess
with a bad water heater.

Mm-mmm. No, you do not,
my friend.

Although, it's not that hard
to replace a water heater...

Mm-hmm. But there's gotta
be some other reason...

Oh, come on, it's us!

No, there's gotta be a million
different things it could have been.

All right, like what?

I got nothing. They hate us.

You know what? If they don't
want to be our neighbors,

then it's their loss.

You know what, you're right!

They just missed out
on the ride of their lives.

You are so right.

So what's for dinner?

Fishsticks and corn niblets.

Nice. I'm gonna
take a nap.

Oh, man.

Hey, hey!

Tell her I said, uh...

What's the deal with
commercials at the movies?

Spence...

Where is bahnah?

Oh, that's bathroom.

Uh, it's right over there.

So, uh...

You wanna take off now?

What?
Yeah!

Well, Zana
is clearly digging me.

So, uh, why don't you
go to a diner

and get yourself an open
faced turkey sandwich?

You're the one
who should go get

an open faced turkey sandwich.

She hasn't said one
word to you all night.

Well, that's because I don't
understand her little language,

but, believe me, buddy.
Sparks are flying.

You're crazy!

All right, you know what?

Let's let Zana settle this.

When she comes out here,
let's see who she comes to.

Oh, OK!

Oh... ho, ho.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Good, just...

Trying to work up my
appetite for second lunch.

Don't worry, man.
You'll get there.

So, uh...

How'd that other
house work out?

Oh... I-it was nice...

We-we might put
an offer in on it.

Wow, that was
kind of fast, huh?

So I guess the water
heater checked out, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
it seemed fine.

Cool!

Yeah. You know what,
I-I'm gonna head back out--

you know what? I'm a
big boy, all right?

If you don't want to live
next door to me, just say it.

All right, look,
the thing is--

no, no, no! I changed
my mind. Don't say it.

Don't get all crazy, here.

Look, it's not you.

It's Carrie.

Carrie?

You don't want to live
next door to Carrie?

Yes!

Now it all makes sense!

Well, don't get me wrong.
I mean, Carrie's great,

but sometimes, she can be--

A little annoying.

Oh, you should see her before
she's had her coffee, you know.

Lucifer!
It's crazy, yeah.

Anyway, I-I-I'm sorry
about all this.

Don't be!

You know, hey, I'm sorry.

You know, because
believe me, we love Carrie.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.
I do, too, you know.

I mean, we think he's great,

but a little Doug
goes a long way.

Hey. Preacher, choir.

Sometimes when
I pull up to the house,

and I see the lights are on,
I wanna just keep driving.

Hey, baby!

I gotta go pick up the kids.

Yeah, I better start dinner.

I'll see you later, Doug.

Yeah, take care, and, uh...

Thanks for putting up with...

Boy, that Kelly,
she's good people, huh?

Yeah, she is.

We actually
had a... long talk

about the whole house thing.

What did she say?

Turns out that actually
it was the water heater!

Well, there you go!

Yeah, I can't believe we
thought we were the problem!

Nope. Problem
definitely wasn't...

Us.

I know.

Hey, Danny? Danny?

Yeah?
Hey.

I'm going out as soon
as Zana gets here.

Oh, all right. Well,

you guys have a great time.

All right.

Listen...

Thanks for stepping
aside, Danny.

You're... you're
a solid dude.

No problem, buddy.
Mmm?

What are you cooking?

A little dinner.

This is tave kosi,
the national dish of Albania.

So? Guy can't have
some baked lamb and yogurt

without you making
a federal case of it?

Wait a minute...

Where is the library?

This isn't Billy Ocean.

You're learning
conversational Albanian!

Yeah, you're damn right I am,

and in tapes from now, I'll be
fluent, and Zana will be mine.

Danny?

You bastard.

Tave kosi!

Yeah, well, I just
whipped it up.

Oh, hey...

It must be the new neighbors.

All right. Let's go back
inside before they see us.

Wait, wait, what about
the hot dog buns?

Doug, just get inside!

I can't. I just made
eye contact.

Why do you gotta
look at everybody!

Hey!

Hey!
Hi!

You guys must be
the new owners?


Well, in about
years we are.

I hear that. Doug and
Carrie Heffernan.

Jeff O'Leary.
My wife, Stephanie.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hi, Carrie. Hi.

Hey, did you rob a playground?

No, no, no!
They're all ours.

The rest are in the house.

The rest? How many
do you have?

We've got .
Yeah.

?!

How are you able to walk?

were mine, were
Jeff's, and we adopted...

Chi Long and Tessa.

So, you guys have
any children?

One.

Old man. We--
we have an old man.

Oh.

Whoa! Slow it down
there, speedy.

I'll give you a ticket!

So, uh...

You think this house
is big enough for you guys?

We always say,
love finds a way.

Plus we're adding
a third story.

And it better
get done fast, 'cause...

We're pregnant!

Wow, they really got that
construction crew working late, huh?

Actually, it's people
from their church.

They come in shifts.

It's like the amish
with power tools.

If it wasn't for him,

I'd be living next
to Deacon and Kelly now,

instead
of the freakin' osmonds.

She ruins everything for me.

I should've listened to my
friends and married Paul.

Everybody loved him.

If only she married Paul,

then it'd just be me,
Deacon, and Kelly.

Listen, tomorrow
I might be late,

because, uh, they're
switching routes on me,

from Northern Boulevard
to Lefrak.

It's fewer stops, but
it's a lot more traffic...

Another driving story.

Any g*n shops on your route,

'cause I'd like to put
a b*llet in my head.

...like st Street
all the way to the bridge.

I made it no sweat.

More potatoes, baby?

Oh, OK.

Pig.

I hate her face.

Oh, my god.
You gotta be kidding me.

Doug, wake up.

- Doug, wake up!
- Ow! God.

How are you sleeping
through this noise?

'Cause no one was pinching me.

Honey, go over there and tell
them to keep it down, please.

Why can't you?

'Cause last time I checked,

you were the man of the house.

Last time you checked was
about weeks ago, so why--

- Just go.
- All right!

Hey, is your, uh,
your dad around?

Wanna see me do a cartwheel?

No, I'm good.
Just get daddy.

Hey!

Oh, OK. Very funny, guys,
OK? You got me.

Now-now, cool it, OK?

All right?

Hey, hey, I said cool it, or
there's gonna be big trouble!

You're fat!

Oh? Yeah, well, you're adopted.

Ah! Hey!

Ah, try and get me now!
Ha ha ha!

Oh, nice try, punky Brewster,
but you're a little late.

That's what you get when
you mess with the big dog!

Ha ha ha ha!

Why am I still hearing noise?

They tried to k*ll me
with an airplane.

Again, why am I
still hearing noise?

You know what? You want 'em to
be quiet, you take care of it.

You're the reason they're
living there anyway.

What?

Deacon and Kelly didn't take
the place because of you.

What are you talking about?

That's right. You're
the water heater, baby.

No, they were dying to
live next door to me.

You're the water heater.

Now that's the water heater
calling the water heater

a water heater.
OK.

You know what?

I talked to Kelly.

Yeah, well,
I talked to Deacon!

What kind of sick game
are they playing?

What's up with that?

Zana and I are
going folk dancing.

No way.

Zana and I are baking
sweet bread tonight.

Yeah.

She's gonna pass up
these moves...

for bread?

Let's settle this
once and for all.

Yeah, let's do it.
All right.

Hi!
Hey!

Uh...

I have you meet...

Bashkim!

Oh!

Is he your, uh...

Boy-boyfriend?
Your... dashnor?

No, no, no.
No dashnor.

He is...
Like you.

Wh-what do you mean?

How do you say? Um...

The gay.

The gay?!

We're not the gay.

But you look for house
together, I mean, do math.

Now I must go. I have
date with a drummer.

Hey, guys.
What a nice surpri--

oh, save it!

What up?

What up? Your
little web of lies,

that what up.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, why didn't
you want the house?

Is it me, is it him,
is it both of us? What?

Yeah, we're not leaving
here until we get an answer.

Look, we told you all that stuff,

'cause we didn't want to
tell you the real reason.

The truth is...

We've been... having
some problems again.

You mean, like,
marriage stuff?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you tell us?

We didn't want to burden you.

Anyways, with, uh,
all that going on,

it's not the greatest idea

for us to be buying
a house, right now.

At least, not till he
gets his act together.

Hey, we both got work to do.

OK, look, listen...

We're gonna get going.

Just-just
know that we're...

We're just a phone call away.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

See, I knew something was up.

It's a shame.

Everybody doesn't
have what we have, huh?

Yeah. Love you.

I love you, too.

Mm-hmm.

So what are we gonna tell 'em

when we buy that other house tomorrow?

Who cares?
It's not next to them.

Stop trying
to get him to dance!

He's baking with me!
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