08x09 - G'Night, Stalker

[bunniefuu]

Doug, you're not
even dressed yet?

We're not really
going to karaoke, are we?

I went to see
Jean-Claude Van Damme

at the learning annex.

You knew that bill
was coming due.

Don't make me do this. I don't
perform well under pressure.

Believe me, I know.

But maybe karaoke
will be different.

Relax, man. We'll all be
there. It's gonna be a hoot.

A hoot?

You got to stop hanging
around white people.

Hey, hey. Danny
isn't here yet, is he?

Mm-mmm.

When he comes here,
excuse yourself and go upstairs.

What for?

I want you to call him
on his cell phone, OK?

Say you're from the lab and
you have his test results, OK?

And then... you know what? I
have it all here in this script.

This is funny. You know what?
I could do it in an accent.

Like...
"I'm from the institute."

That would be great. That
would be great. Here he comes.

I got to try not to laugh.

What's up, man?
Hi, guys.

What's going on?

Spence wanted me
to screw with you.

What are you doing?

Wow. You really did
your homework.

I would've been devastated.

I'm gonna grab a beer.

Danny pulls pranks
on me all the time.

I just wanted
to get him back once.

Spence, let me break it down
for you. You're not a prankster.

You're a victim.

Accept it, and you're gonna
save yourself a lot of heartache.

Oh, by the way, when we
get to karaoke tonight,

I'm staying in character,

so I'll only answer
to "Neil" or "Mr. Diamond."

So, uh, what are you
guys gonna sing?

I was gonna do the carpenters,

but after that
"white people" comment,

thinking I might go Tupac.

I don't get this song.

Did she hear about the
letter listening to the radio,

or was it physically
on top of the radio?

You know what?
I'm black and I'm proud,

and I'm singing
"laughter in the rain."

Whoo!
Good, Carrie!

Give it up. Yeah!

All right, honey.
Your turn. Have fun.

Yeah, I hate everything about you.

Let's have a big scooter McGee's
welcome for Doug Heffernan!

Whoo!

Yeah!
Come on, baby!

Whoo!

Whoo! Ooh!

Let's give it up
for Doug Heffernan.

Yeah!

Honey,

I got to tell you,
that did not suck.

Yeah, that was great.

I felt like
I was off-really?

Yeah.

Did you find a movie yet?

At the midway we can
still make the : showing

of Habeas Corpus.

I hear that's great.
It's based on a true story.

Mm-mmm. You know my rule.

If it's true, it's craparoo.

I'll keep looking.

Doug, you got an e-mail.

Hmm. Who is it from?

Uh, it says,
"cutiepie ."

Oh. Open it up.

OK.

"I hope this is
the right Doug Heffernan.

"Did you sing at the
karaoke bar last night?

"I'm there almost every
night, and you were awesome.

Anyway, just wanted
to let you know."

Hmm.

Fan mail.

You didn't even get that when
you won the wing-eating contest.

That time you put
your life on the line.

Yeah, relax, everybody, all right?

You sang "Brandy."
It's like one octave.

OK, guys, let's hit this
pizza hard and get out of here.

I'm not missing the Harry Potter
preview again.

What's going on?

Doug's got a little
karaoke fan.

Really?
Yeah.

Apparently, I don't just sing
a song. I make love to it.

Man. Do you think it was
those aer lingus stewardesses

that sang "dancing queen"?

Whoa. Let's not
get ahead of ourselves here.

How do we know that
"cutiepie" isn't "cutieguy"?

You know who it is?
I bet you it's the hot waitress.

You remember she said
I did a good job.

Yeah, yeah. It's not like she
was angling for a tip or anything.

Ooh, look at this. I got
another e-mail from cutiepie .

Unbelievable.

"OK, truth time.

"It's not just that
I'm a fan of your singing.

"I think you're really sexy.

"Oh, and thanks for opening
your shirt a little.

That was the icing
on the cake."

She's using a semi-colon
and closed parentheses.

She's winking at you.

Hey. I thought you guys
were going to the movies.

Oh, that's right.
Let's get going.

Take care, Carrie.

Don't wanna be late
for Habeas Corpus.

- Have fun. Doug.
- Yeah?

Why are you taking
your laptop to the movies?

Uh, so I can write
about it in my blog.

Come on, man.

Are we gonna play
basketball or what?

Just a few more minutes. She's
gonna e-mail me. I can feel it.

You haven't heard
from her in days.

I know. One minute she's sending
me a list of our children's names--

I like Caleb.

And all of a sudden, nothing.
I don't get it.

Maybe she's just been busy
and doesn't have the time.

Hey, you're a stalker.

You make the time.

Uh-huh. Back in business.

Let me see here.

Uhh! It's from my mom.

" reasons why men
leave the seat up."

Delete! Delete!

Take it easy, man. What are you
getting all worked up about this for?

I don't know.
It just made me feel good.

It's not every day that a woman
asks to see me in tighter clothes.

You know what? She
probably just lost interest.

Memories fade, man.
Think about it.

You sang one song
to her a week ago.

It looks like you're next.
What are you gonna sing?

Neil diamond.

Oh, sorry. You, uh
- you got to pick something else.

Somebody sang him
at happy hour.

So what?

We don't double diamond here.

It says so
on the sign-up sheet.

All right, fine.
I'll do it next week.

But just so you know,
you're not punishing me.

You're punishing them.

How much fun was that?
I know.

I had to drag you there
the first time,

and now you're
dragging me there.

I got the fever!
I know.

Hey, honey, what do
you say we go upstairs

and, uh, make
some more endless love?

Oh. Well, I wouldn't count
on the "endless" part,

but yeah.

OK. I'm gonna
go take a shower.

All right. I'll be up there
in a minute.

S- s-still nothing.

Honey?

Uh... what?

Uh, I was thinking...
Wanna take a shower with me?

Conserve water?

Oh. See, now, I like
where you're going there

because it sounds like
we can get up there

and have a little--

fun. Let's lather up.

Who's "cutiepie "?

Yeah, I think it's Dea--
it's Deacon.

"The subject is 'your arms
looked sexy tonight.'"

yeah, it's definitely Deacon.

Open it up.

That's all right.
I'll talk to him tomorrow.

You should open it up.
OK.

OK.

There you go.
Oh!

Did Deacon scan his panties
and send them to you?

That, my friend,
is a cry for help.

All right, what the hell
is going on here?

Nothing. Ju--
who is that?

I don't know.
You don't know?

I don't know.
I never met her.

She saw me sing karaoke,

and, uh, she's been
e-mailing me ever since.

I don't write her back.

So that's why you brought me there
tonight? So you could sing to her?

And you.

Come on.
How about that shower?

Oh, my--
you are unbelievable.

I'm not doing
anything wrong here.

You're not doing
anything wrong?

You're having some thing
with some cyber-skank.

It's not a thing. She's
stalking me. I'm the victim here.

Oh, you're the victim.
OK. You're loving this.

Oh, com--
Oh, I get it.

Oh, my... you're jealous.

I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of what?

You're jealous I have
a stalker and you don't.

Excuse me, Doug.

I have had
plenty of stalkers, OK?

You know how many times I had
to move or change my phone number

'cause I was being
hounded by some weirdo?

Hmm. Not ringing a bell
since I've known you.

Anyone stalk you, say,
in the st century?

Yes. As a matter of fact,
I'm being stalked right now.

Really?
Yeah.

By who?
By Tommy leonardi, OK?

I knew him from high school. He googled
me, and he e-mailed me just today.

Happens all the time.

Wow. Why don't
you show me?

Fine. That's fine.

But I'll tell you what.
It ain't pretty.

"Then in April,
I was transferred to Tucson.

So me, Alice, Dylan, and
the twins packed up the car..."

That's your stalker?

That's a Christmas letter.

Doug, that's
the way it starts.

Then the phone calls.
Then the hang-ups.

The next thing you know, he's
gonna be wearing my skin as a suit.

Now you're
embarrassing yourself.

You know what?
This conversation is over.

All right. You and your little
karaoke slut-- you're through. OK?

What am I supposed to do?

Believe me, if there
was some magical way

to block her
from e-mailing me, I would.

There.

She's blocked.

Thank you.

Doug, stop
checking your inbox.

Carrie blocked her.
It's over.

You know, this is ridiculous.

I can't have anything anymore.

No more ring-dings.
No stalker.

Why do I even get out of bed?

Just come watch
celebrity poker.

Marg helgenberger
has pocket aces.

I'm not taking this anymore.

Spence, you know about computer crap.
Is there any way I can undo this block?

Well, yeah, but...

Then come over here
and help me.

I don't wanna
get Carrie mad at me.

She doesn't
like you anyway, OK?

Now, do me a favor and
just un-cr*ck the code.

There's no code.
You just hit "unblock."

OK, I don't need to know how
the sausage is made. Just do it.

I did it, OK?
And I was never here.

OK. Come on, cutiepie .

I got to tell you,

I'm seeing your clothes
all over the lawn.

Ah.

And welcome back, cutiepie.

"Dear Doug. First you block
me, then you unblock me.

Nobody treats me
like that. Nobody."

Da--

she's a little...
She's a little miffed.

"Don't think you can
get away from me,

because I'm watching you."

Watching me.

That's right out of the
"crazy" handbook, am I right?

Yeah. Right.

"I like your shirt.
I'm a Mets fan, too."

Uh... I-I-I'm
gonna head out.

Yeah, yeah. My, uh, dog's
been cooped up all day.

I'm gonna head out, too.

Guys, it's a lucky guess.

Half the fat guys
in Queens wear Mets shirts.

Oh, god!

You know, you can warn a person
when you're gonna make tea, OK?

Common courtesy!

You ever hear of knocking?

What's going on?

This came in.

"Hey, Doug, sorry I've been
a little hard on you.

"You know what would
really cheer me up?

"If you would sing me a song
tonight at the karaoke bar.

"How about
'I will always love you'?

I really hope
you don't let me down."

Doesn't sound so bad.

Yeah? This came with it.

I guess you probably
shouldn't let her down.

Hey, how many of you
out there like Christmas?

Well, I do, too.

Why don't we celebrate a little
early with one of my favorites.

And if anybody likes
what they hear or see,

that's with two f's,
by the way. Here we go.

Hello. Are you
from out of town?

Yeah, I could tell.

Did you guys come together?

Oh, that's so unfortunate.

Hey, I need your spot.
What?

No way. I've been
waiting weeks to do this.

Danny, if my stalker doesn't hear
me sing tonight, I'm gonna die.

Oh. I see. Now I have
to go on her schedule.

Yes. And tell them I'm gonna
sing "I will always love you."

Fine. I'll tell dj Ron.

When is your spot?
Right after Carrie.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Carrie,
what are you doing here?

Singing.

You're trying to get stalked.

OK, let's make a little noise

for Doug Heffernan!

What are you trying to do,
impress your little stalker?

No. My stalker went all fatal attraction
on me since you blocked her e-mails.

Now she wants me to sing.

Well, show her to me.
I'll kick her ass.

You don't even know what
you're doing. No! Let's go.

♪ I will always... ♪
♪ love you. ♪

Doug?

Wait.

What are you in such
a hurry for, sweetie?

What do you want from me? I sang
your song. Now, leave me alone.

Somebody just wanted me
to give you this message.

Here.

"Look behind you"?

Hello, Doug.

Spence?

You're cutiepie ?

That's right.

Well...

So... you're in love with me?

What? No!

No. Listen. It all started that
first night we went to karaoke.

You're not a prankster.
You're a victim.

Accept it, and you're gonna
save yourself a lot of heartache.

Who's the victim now?

Me.

And in about one minute, you.

I'm-I'm gonna get going.