08x12 - Fresh Brood

[bunniefuu]

ahh, sunday.

you know what i
like to call it?

fun day.

that's a good one.

ok, i got a couple
problems here,

but let's start
with this one-

why do your socks
have big s on the bottom?

it's my new system.

i label them so
i don't mix them up

with my other
sets of socks.

bam!

but arthur, all your socks
are white.

you just grab
any two of them.

obviously you've never
heard of "toe memory."

as a sock evolves, it
either becomes a left sock

or a right sock.

if you put one
on the wrong foot,

you're asking for
a day of discomfort,

and shame.

but how do the s tell
you which one's a right

and which one's a left?

look, douglas, my system has its flaws,

but i've come at this from every angle,

and believe me, there is no better way.

mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

unless you just
label every sock

with either
an "l" or an "r."

well, there goes
my fun day!

by the way, it's saturday.

today i was watching
the discovery channel,

and they said because
of that evolution crap,

that eventually people are
gonna stop having pinkie toes.

oh, man. that blows.
i know.

yeah, but that won't happen
for like thousands of years.

still, that doesn't
worry you?

no. i have
pinkie toes.

great, why don't you tell
that to your grandchildren

when they're
tipping over?

hey. sorry i'm late.

hey.

what?

you, uh, you do realize you got
a baby strapped to your chest?

yeah.

um, ah, dip, good.

ok, guy, what's
the deal here?

it's tanya's kid.

that waitress you
used to go out with?

you had a kid with her?

no, remember,
she cheated on me?

do you guys listen
to anything i say?

so-so what are you
doing with her baby?

ah, she's got some training
seminar out of town for the weekend,

so she asked me
to watch the kid.

so she's got you
babysitting the kid

she had with the guy
she cheated on you with?

yeah.

well, you know, it's a
ploy to get back with me.

i mean, that's why she borrowed
my car and all that money.

obviously got a bad case
of the dannys.

well, i gotta say
that's a pretty cute kid,

you know, for a white one.

thanks, man. and
i don't mean to brag,

but the guy that she
cheated on me with,

he was an
underwear model.

hey, let me
check it out.

oh, maybe later.

you know, my little guy
just said "dada"

for the first time?

he said it to the cable guy,
but it was still a thrill.

ah, kids are great.

yeah, i'm so attached and
it's not even my own kid.

i can't even imagine
what that would feel like.

i gotta take a leak.

yeah, i'll
take her.

ah, deac's got her.

yeah.

guy, i can hold
the baby, ok?

i held his kid
at his christening.

excuse me, you're
the manager, right?

yes.

i'm arthur spooner.

i'd like to officially
announce my candidacy

for "customer
of the month."

oh, well, we'll certainly
keep you in mind.

just to remind you,

i have been here
every day this month.

my attendance is perfect.

yes, i know you
come in here a lot.

not a lot. every day.

it's just that i've
never actually seen you

buy anything.

what?

yeah, you bring a
thermos of your own coffee

and use our
cream and sugar.

i buy things
all the time.

i purchased a rice krispie
treat not weeks ago.

yes, but you ate
most of it

and returned the rest
for a refund.

you said you found
a fish hook in it.

i did.

um, it's not just about
how much money people spend.

look at helen.
she's years old

and just walked miles
for muscular dystrophy.

oh, i see. so i can't be
customer of the month

because i had a falling
out with jerry lewis?

sir, you're missing-

for your information,
i put a call into him,

the ball is
in his court.

look, i gotta
get back to work.

oh, by the way,

i think your razor's
finished charging.

honey, what are you doing?

shh! don't be afraid.

just relax.

i gotta get up early
for work tomorrow.

shh, come on.

let's make a baby.

what?

yeah. i want to make
a baby. tonight.

were you at a strip club?

no, i just...

i've been thinking
about, you know,

how much i love you

and how much a baby would
make our lives complete.

really?

yeah. so scooch your
bloomers down and count to .

come on.

are you serious? i've never
seen you like this.

yeah. oh, and by the way,
when we have our baby,

danny's not allowed
to hold it.

ha ha, what are you
talking about?

it's just that,
you know,

he was babysitting
his girlfriend's kid,

and he wouldn't
let me hold it,

but the joke's on him because
we're gonna make our own baby

and it's gonna blow
his away, so come on.

all right, get off me.

what? what's the matter?

i can't believe you!

the reason why
you want to have a baby

is so you can get even
with danny?

and make our lives
complete!

you are unbelievable, man!

this is why i don't
want to have a baby,

because you are
so irresponsible!

all right, i'm sorry, let's
forget the whole danny thing.

seriously, the point is,
i want to start a family.

well, good luck
with that,

because this
kitchen's closed.

wait a second now! come
on, there's two of us here.

ok? you can't just make
all of the decisions.

uh, think i can,
think i did.

ok, you know what? i'm
getting a little tired of you

acting like you're
the boss around here.

"no, doug, you can't
get that car.

no, doug, you can't
do steroids."

ok, you know what? this conversation's
over. i'm going to sleep.

ok, just so
i'm clear on this,

you're deciding
no baby, so, no baby.

yep.

oh, we'll see
about that.

hey.
hey.

i need to borrow
your baby.

what? no.

just for a couple hours.

guy, it's a baby,

not a
weed-whacker.

look, i got into this whole
thing with carrie and...

look, i gotta show her
who's boss of the house.

i- i can't. i-i
promised tonya

that i wouldn't take
my eye off the baby.

and when someone puts their
faith in you like that,

you know,
it means something.

although, i would love
to see transporter two.

all right, there
she is. you ready?

i was born ready.

oh, my god!
he's choking!

uhh! uhh! uhh!

there was a fishhook
in my scone.

that man saved my life.

oh, yeah. that man saved my life.

settle down, everyone.

just doing what
any customer would do.

any customer?

he should be
customer of the month!

we done?

shall we take
my picture now?

i'm packed in a girdle
so let's get this done.

do you really think
i'm gonna make you

customer
of the month

because of that ridiculous
stunt you just pulled?

unless you want a riot
on your hands?

listen, old man,
and listen good.

as long as
i'm manager,

you will never, ever be
customer of the month.

have a nice day.

hmm...

i'm home!

hey.
oh.

listen, honey, i'm sorry i
came down on you last night.

it's just
that sometimes

i gotta do what's best for us, you know?

i know. i know
and thanks.

all right, then.

excuse me.

what the hell
is going on here?

did you really think you could
stop me from having a baby?

you're my baby.
yes, you are.

all right, if i
turn the tv on right now,

will your picture
be on the news?

no.

no, it won't.
no, it will not.

come here.

all right, would
you stop doing that?

stop what?

all right, doug,
i get it.

you're very clever. you
borrowed somebody's baby.

did you actually think this was
gonna make me want to have a baby?

i don't care.
you do what you want.

ok, i've moved on.

all right, you know what?
when you do stupid things

like this, it pushes
me further away

from ever wanting
to have a baby...

with you, that is.

ok, in case
you haven't noticed,

don't need you
to have a baby.

hey, uh, danny, it's, uh, me.
could you come get the baby?

uh, yeah, it
didn't really land, ok?

and, uh, i don't know what
the hell to do with it.

ok. call me.

ahem. ahh.

'sup?

i'll just, uh-if you want to
do that, that's right there.

ugh, are you still
doing the baby thing?

uh, parenthood
isn't a thing.

it's a way of life.

ok, you know what, doug,

it started out stupid but now
you're just being irresponsible.

irresponsible-what?

yeah, that's right.
you don't even know

what you're doing with this
baby, so just give it back.

hey.

oh, man, you gotta
see transporter two.

just when you think they've run
out of ways of transporting things,

ha! well, i won't
ruin it for you

but he gets there.

whoa, whoa, whoa.

look, i need
more time here.

what?

you gotta help
me out here.

carrie's copping
a real attitude

and if i let her win
on this baby thing-

how 'bout i go
to a casino?

that was easy.

it's coming.
it's coming.

ugh.

that's right,
it's still here.

"it's." you don't know
if it's a boy or a girl.

yeah, ok, i've been taking
care of the baby all day

and i don't know
if it's a boy or a girl.

whoa.

is my little girl
ready for her bottle?

first, i test
it on the wrist

to make sure it's
the right temperature.

sh-ugh!

i'm guessing it's not?

a little heads up,

minutes in the micro,
too long.

uh, your baby's crying.

you might want to whip up
some flaming applesauce.

her papa will decide
what she wants to eat, ok?

it's ok. it's ok.

it's ok. all right. ok.

all right. all right.
all right. it's ok.

ok, she won't stop crying.
i can't put her to sleep.

you gotta come
pick her up now!

you gotta come
get her now!

i- i'm on a roll
here, all right?

just give me
another hour.

, tops.

i'll tell you what.
i'll-i'll bring her to you!

i'll-i'll bring
her to you.

i- i-just tell
me where you're at.

hey, keep 'em coming,
kitten, all right?

and i don't wanna
see any ice.

hi, can i help you?

yeah, what do you got
to make a baby sleep?

pills, drops-
legal, illegal.

i got cash.

if it makes you feel
any better,

you're not the first one
to go through this.

yeah, it doesn't.

how about pills for me?

'cause i'm at the
end of my rope.

single parent, huh?

pretty much, yeah.

well, our new moms group
is starting soon.

maybe they can help.

uh, and by "help"
do you mean

they have pills?

hi, welcome. come sit.

the floor's open.
so, if you have

any questions or problems,
we're here for you.

well, my baby hasn't
been sleeping,

and i've been
crying a lot.

did you try
the dryer thing?

you put 'em
in the dryer?

no, no. you put the baby in a
car seat on top of the dryer.

puts them right out.

and let me ask you.
what about food?

'cause my baby hasn't
been eating her vegetables.

oh, well, you got to keep
them away from fruit.

because once they taste
the sweet stuff,

they are not going back.

ahh. there's just so
much i don't know.

relax. everything
you need to know

about taking care of
that baby is right in here.

ladies, you don't want
to put your babies to bed

on the same side
every night.

that's how you get flathead
mcgee, you know what i'm sayin'?

sarah and dylan do.

i'm kidding.
i'm kidding.

i'll tell you
my biggest complaint.

since i had the baby,
i can't remember

the last time my husband
and i had sex.

sex? that's what got us into
this whole mess. am i right?

you know, i don't know
what to do here.

jerry just won't latch on.

have you tried
the football hold?

no, what's
the football hold?

you know-hand him
over to me.

ok.

you got to hold him
like a football.

that's basically
what you do.

you just hold him there,

and you let him land
in boobyville.

let him find it.

there he goes. whoa. his
bottom teeth are coming in.

wonderful, this internet.

yes.

otherwise i would
never have

stumbled across
your rap sheet.

what?!

i'm right. you are
the gloria creswell

who was arrested
in october '

for petty theft
in tonawanda, new york.

i was . i was alone
and hungry.

save your sob story for
the boys in corporate.

oh.

you wouldn't do that.

you wouldn't get me fired all
just to be customer of the month.

uh, yeah, it works.

ah, hey.

hey, danny.

tanya, what's up?

wh-where's the baby?

huh?

oh, actually,
she's not here.

but it's cool,
you know, it's cool.

aaahhh!

ok, see now that-
that's larry right there.

and that's curly.

and the one with
the ice tongs, that's moe.

want to steer
clear of him. ok?

hey.

whoa. here you go.
got ya.

you know, uh, you're
pretty good with that baby.

thanks.

she's kinda cute.

what's her name?

i have no idea.

i'm calling her mooky.

ah.

mooky sounds good.

she looks like a mooky.

yeah.

so, you...

think you'd like to have
one of these one day?

i don't know. maybe.

you want to hold her?

um...

yeah. i'd like that.

come here, sweetheart.

hi.

hi, baby.

oh, yes. i know.

ok, i'm out. i'm out.
please take her.

please. please.

ok. ok.

all right.

give me the baby.

what? right now?

yeah, yeah, yeah.

tanya's outside in the car
with detective romero,

and i kinda need
the baby right now.

all right, can you-can
you give me a second?

hey.

it's been nice having
you around, you know.

just want you to know
that if you're-

you're ever back
in the area,

just look me up,
all right?

i'll see ya.

you ok, honey?

just getting a beer.

welcome to java house,

i'm arthur spooner,
customer of the month.

welcome to java house.

i'm arthur spooner,
customer of the month.

gloria, i'm going to need
an application.