08x13 - Gambling N'Diction

[bunniefuu]

oh, not tonight!

not tonight!

hello.

hey, honey. listen,
i have a problem.

yeah, tell me about it.
i can't find the salsa.

what?!

i bought salsa yesterday,
and it disappeared.

it's gone!

ok, well, i'm sorry
to bother you

during this very
difficult time.

uh, but i just found out that
i have to work late tonight,

so i'm not gonna be able to pick
up your mother from the airport.

well, i-i can't, either!
i got a poker game!

calm down. i will call a
cab for your mother. ok?

ok. that solves
the easy problem.

all right. i gotta go.

sure! just run away
like you always do!

ok. bye-bye.
bye-bye, now.

yeah-

hey.

oh, great.
those idiots

didn't order
enough sandwiches.

oh. well, i can double
your sandwiches right now.

great idea.
yeah?

and then i will put them
on smaller plates.

that makes everything
look bigger.

i try that trick with my
husband. doesn't work. oh, yeah.

oh... thanks
for stayin' late.

it's been crazy
around here,

what with tom weaver
leaving.

uh, sherry.
yes.

i- i was wondering
if, uh-

and you can tell me
if this is stupid-

but do you think that
i would be considered

for mr. weaver's
job?

oh!

excuse me.

dugan group.

i found
the salsa.

and i know i said some things

maybe, in the heat of the moment-

so, anyway...
you were saying?

i think you would be a
great candidate for the job.

really?

of course, you'd
have to familiarize

yourself
with tom's projects.

yeah. of course.
yeah.

but i have to tell you,
there is one thing

that might weigh against you
with the hiring committee.

oh. what?

i don't want
to hurt your feelings.

oh, no. no.
tell me.

well, the thing is, i know how
bright and talented you are, but

the committee, uh, might not
be able to appreciate that

because of
the way you... talk.

what? the way i tawk?

what's wrong with
the way i tawk?

carrie, this is
a real estate company,

and when
i hear you say, um,

"you know what
i'm tawkin' about?"

and "how about
this friggin' weathuh?"

it sounds like you'd be
more at home unloading trucks

at the fish market.

ok. i get it.
or, you know,

mixing cement.
mmhh.

i
- i get it. thank you so much, shelly. yeah.

work on that.
all right. ok.

ok.

i'm gonna...
i'm gonna raise .

i fold.
yeah, me, too.

you know what,
doug, my boy?

i am all in.

w- what
are you doin'?

just in case you try
to read these eyes.

thank god i got
the flop sweat

and the shaky hands
to fall back on.

i call.

dammit!

doug?!

yeah, ma?

do you know what channel my show's on?

i'm not sure, but i'm-i'm
gonna guess lifetime.

hey, babe.

hi. yeah,
that's it, spence.

put the drink
next to the coaster.

what's
the matter?

do you know what
my boss told me today?

that i can't get a promotion
because of the way i tawk.

do i tawk
so friggin' bad?

do i?

no, it's...

it's like music.
oh, shut up.

honey, i pushed
a button on the remote,

and now
the screen is blue.

no, see, you gotta
hit "tv/video"

and make sure
it's on channel .

oh. and don't make any
plans for tomorrow afternoon.

they're havin'
a winter coat sale at

big-and-tall shop.

ok, first off,
i have a winter coat.

and second,
they know i'm big.

i only come up
a few times a year.

we never get to spend
any time together.

what do you call
this?

spence, it's to you. uh...

you know what?

i'm gonna take
a little break.

wait a second.
you can't.

we're in the middle
of a tournament here.

i can sit in
for him.

we play hold 'em all
the time at the condo.

thank you,
janet.

let's see what
we got here.

what just happened here?

carrie, you're not
gonna find the answer

to your problems
in a bottle of pills.

it's chewable vitamin c.
can i help you?

no, but...

i can help you
lose that accent.

what are you
talkin' about?

we moved here
when i was .

and before that, i lived in a
rural county in west virginia,

and baack than,
i tawked like the-is.

really?

it's true.
but i realized

if i didn't do
something about it,

i was gonna end up
like all my friends-

working down in the mines,
never seeing the light of day.

but don't you work
in the subway?

well, yes-

and don't miners
make a lot of money?

roughly double
what i make,

but the point is...

i taught myself to speak
better, and i can teach you, too.

i
- i don't know. the interview's in a week.

i can't learn a whole
new way to tawk by then.

tawk. oh, my god.
i sound like stallone.

carrie. you're smart.
you're hardworking.

you can do this.

you really think so?
yes.

but understand
one thing.

you must surrender
yourself to me...

totally.

hi.
hey.

here's the money
i owe aunt janet.

tell her congrats.

yeah, last night
she won back

all the money
she ever gave me

for birthdays,
graduation,

and both
of my weddings.

yeah. she took me
for bucks, too,

but she said i could
pay her in hugs.

can i pay her
in hugs?

no.

then i gotta
give her a check.

phwooh.

whoa.
yeah.

could you ask her not to
cash it for a few days?

i gotta move
some stuff around.

hey, you know what?

you should get her
into that high-stakes game

they have in the back
room of o'dooley's.

what?

yeah. i mean,
think about it.

you-you bankroll her.

they'd never see her comin'.
you-you'd clean up.

you know,
maybe you're right.

yeah, and... if
she wins at o'dooley's,

that could just
be the start of it.

yeah! you could ride your
mom all the way to vegas!

i wouldn't put it
that way, but yeah!

let's work on your trouble words again.

tawk.

i'm-i'm sorry,
did we start

spelling "talk"
t- a-w-k

and no one
told me?

no. try it again.
ok.

talk?
don't-

don't pronounce the "l."
just suggest it.

tak?

please tell me
that was a joke.

no! look, i'm trying! i don't
know what you want from me!

w- what i want from you
is to try

a little muscle memory.
ok? let me...

let me adjust
your palate...

and... try
the second word.

cawfee.

ok, hang on.

and... again.

coffee.

and...

all right.

here we go.

coffee.

all right,
you know what?

get your stubby fingers
off-a me. all right?

no. stubby fingers
off of me.

ok, you know what?
this is not gonna work,

so why don't you take
your posters

and your model
of the human throat

and just get the hell
outta here, ok?

fine. but i suggest you
start practicing this phrase:

"i will be getting
people cawfee

for the rest
of my life. "

let's keep working.

good. uh, i'll go
get the tongue clamp.

should i go over my
breathing exercises again?

i don't know.

if you want to.

look... i'm sorry
i bit you.

it's ok. my... fingers
were in there pretty deep.

you know what? you were
right. i can't do this.

i'm-i'm gonna live
in queens forever.

i'm gonna be
a secretary forever.

i'm gonna be married
to doug forever.

oh, shut up.
i'm tired.

hello.

no, i'm sorry.
i- i can't talk now.

ok. bye-bye.

what?

you can't what now?

i can't talk now.

i can't talk now!

no, you can talk now!
oh, my god!

here, let's-let's try
our practice sentence.

oh, i'm scared!

just-just do it.
ok.

i talked with audrey

over coffee.

once more.

i talked with audrey
over coffee!

oh, my god! i can say it!
i can say it! yes, you can!

god, you're beautiful.

hi, doug.
hey, ma.

what are you-
what are you doin'?

oh, the hamper was full,
so i did the laundry.

i hope carrie
won't be mad.

she's usually a good sport
about that kind of stuff.

listen, i didn't fly you
all the way in from florida

for you to do laundry. you're-you're
here to have a good time,

so... whatever you want to
do, you-you just name it.

how about dinner
and a show?

ehhhhh...

i've been dyin'
to see spamalot.

i'm talkin'
somethin' exciting!

come on, something different! you know?

maybe something that's,
like, i don't know,

sweepin' the nation
or somethin'.

hey! how about we play
texas hold 'em?

i'm still comin' off
the high of last night!

really? i-i thought
i embarrassed ya.

embarrassed me? what
poker game were you at?

what's goin' on, doug?

all right, look.

there's this
high-stakes game

that i-i just want
you to play in.

what? why?

'cause, look,

you're a sweet old lady from florida.

they'll never expect you
to be good. we can clean up!

oh, no, no. i could never
do anything like that.

it seems dishonest.

dishonest? oh,
but you're ok

hosting unlicensed tupperware
parties in your basement?

that was one time.

look, i'm uncomfortable
with this whole subject,

so let's
just drop it. ok?

ok, but you know what? it's
just that you're always sayin'

that i never spend enough
time with you, you know,

and now i come up with somethin'
that we can do together,

and what do you do? you just
sh**t me down right away.

you know? i just... i don't
know how to please you.

i don't know how.

oh, dear.

i... i didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

well, you did.

so you really
want me to do this?

yeah. and look, it's
not just about the money.

it's about us getting closer. you know?

well...

how much
is the buy-in?

just a thousand bucks.

where you gonna get
a thousand dollars?

yes, i'd like
to place an order

for a quart of egg drop soup,

some sweet-and-sour pork,

and coffees.

do you need me to repeat
that? because i can.

you were awesome
today, ma.

oh, stop it.

you know,
i really felt

badly about takin' that
young man's tuition money.

hey, i never finished college,
and look how i turned out.

whassup?

whassup?!

anyway, time for you
to go to bed,

so i'm gonna go upstairs
and blow up your mattress.

i'm so keyed up!
i hope i can fall asleep.

oh, don't you worry. i'll
give you a little blue pill.

you wash it down
with a martini.

i'll have to wake you up with a shovel.

well...
oh, hey, janet.

oh, carrie.

me and doug have been
spendin' so much time together,

i feel like i haven't
said a word to you.

oh, that's ok.

no, no. i'll make
a pot of cawfee,

and you and i can have
a nice long tawk.

actually, um,
i ordered coffee.

you ordered cawfee?

that's crazy tawk.

i can make you
some cawfee right-

ok. how about some tea?
that'd be great.

okeydoke.
i'll put a kettle on.

oh. you know who
we sawr today,

in midtown, wawkin'
right down the street?

bea arthuh.

she's the lady
who played mauwde.

uh... yeah.

you watched mauwde,
right? uh-huh, uh-huh!

uh-huh. she was wahkin'
her dawg.

a yowrkie,
i think.

hey. ma tell you
we saw maude?

yes. we covered that.
listen, um...

i'm gonna need her outta here. what?

her accent. it's
screwin' me all up.

just tell her
we're gonna put her

in a nice hotel
or somethin'.

no way, carrie.
look, i do not

want to upset her.
ok? we got

a very important game
tomorrow night.

what about me, doug?

i have one of the biggest
interviews of my life tomorrow.

listen, i love you
for dreamin',

but the smart money's
on my ma.

she could be
our ticket outta here!

i can't believe you!
oh, my gawd-

oh, my gawd.
oh, my god.

oh, i gotta listen
to my tape.

yeah, yeah.
you go. go.

it's to you,
doug.

no. i, uh...
i fold again.

gotta stay in it
to win it, my man.

yeah. stop dealin' me ass, and i will.

doug! language!

sorry. thanks again for
lettin' me bring my mom in here.

i would've left her in the
car, but... she wanders.

ok, doug,
deal 'em up.

oh. yeah,
let's do it.

let's turn this luck
around, huh?

ooh.

you ok?

yeah. i'm fine.

mmhh.

you-
you sure?

yeah. fine.
absolutely.

mmhh.

just, uh...

gettin' a little wave
of somethin'.

anybody else eat fish
from that cart outside?

hey, man!

why'ntcha go to the
bathroom or something?

yeah, you want me
to leave now

when my luck's changin',
don't you?

oh, come on, man!
g- come on! jeez!

all right, all right, all right.

i'm just gonna...

get a little
fresh air.

mom, why don't you sit
in for me for a hand?

what, dear?

she know
how to play?

yeah. she plays
all the time

back home
in florida.

uh, just for
condo fun-bucks.

just-come on.
one hand, ma. ohhh...

well, all right. i'll-
i'll give it a whirl.

you may have to help me
with what beats what.

and i spent years,
uh, as a legal secretary

at kaplan, hornstein,
and steckler.

and i've been at the dugan
group now for years.

well,

sherry conrad

seems to think the world of you. oh...

well, she is
a wonderful mentor.

so, carrie,
what do you think

you can bring
to this position?

well, um, i know
a large part of my job

would be speaking
to clients.

and, as you can see,
my speaking...

really...
speaks for itself.

i assume you have familiarized yourself

with tom weaver's
files?

files?

you know...

with all his
development projects.

of course.

talk to us about phase of brookside.

i hear good things.

can you be any more specific?

really good things.

ok... look,

i
- i didn't go over tom's files because

sherry told me i should
lose my accent. ok?

so i worked really hard on that. i mean,

i used to say things
like tawk and cawfee

and "how 'bout
that friggin' weathuh?"

and now listen to this:

how about
that freaking weather?

well, uh... carrie, thanks
so much for coming in.

look, if you would
just give me a chance,

i could really
prove to you-

really, carrie,
weh have

a lot of
other people to see.

but thank yew!

ok, here's
a question for you.

how come daisy duke over here
didn't have to lose her accent?

'scuse me. mah daddy
helped build this c'mp'ny.

oh, yer daddy did?

well, my daddy
lives in the basement.

that's why i need
this job. ok, honey?

so, you'll let me know
on monday?

ok.

thank you so much.

ok, carlos.

i'm gonna have to
raise you another .

and i'm gonna have to
call you, mrs. heffernan.

pair.

oh, jeez.
i was bluffing.

oh, she was...

i feel bad now.

ohhh... gosh.

let's take
a break, huh?

come back
in minutes.

well, i'm not havin'
much luck tonight.

no, and you're not gonna if
you keep going in with squat!

what?

you had no business
bein' in that last pot.

honey, if my flush
had come in...

"if, if, if."
you don't chase a flush

when there's a pair
on the board!

well, i figured
he had s.

"he had s. "
i wanna be adopted!

what're you gettin'
so upset about?

'cause you're losin'
all our money.

when you asked me
to do this,

you told me the most important
part was us havin' fun.

it is fun...

when we're winning.

ok. i understand.

i won't waste any more time havin' fun.

i'll just be a cutthroat
poker-playin' machine

and clean out those nice young
men. will that make you happy?

yeeessss!

well... game's over.

here. $ , .

wow!

carlos tried to get cute
with a pair of deuces,

and i took him down hard.

well! guess who's sitting
front row at spamalot-

you and the guest
of your choice.

that's ok, doug. you don't
have to spend any money on me.

let's just go home. ok?

mom, wait a second.
look...

i
- i know you think this is all about the money

because... well,
i said it was.

but the truth is... i
had a good time with you.

yeah, sure.
i did!

and let me tell you somethin'. look,

this is a lot
of money.

but if it's gonna come
between us, then...

it's just not worth it. and i-

i will march
back in there

and give them their
money back right now.

ok.

i- i will. i will.

ok.
all right.

yeah.

ok.
fine.

i will. all right.

all right! i'll take you to spamalot!

my... daddy...

built... this...

company.

yeah! yes!

oh! i did it!
i did it!

ohhh...

god, you're beautiful.