08x18 - Sold Y Locks

[bunniefuu]

What is it, baby?

I love barbecue
shrimp.

I don't know why I ordered
the stuffed mushrooms.

Uch, I knew this was gonna
come back to haunt us.

I saw the word "stuffed"
and I just stopped breathing.

What the hell?

That guy over there
keeps staring at me.

So? You like it
when guys stare at you.

Not all guys.
Like, latino guys.

You know, young, sexy, beautiful smile.

You know, fit
but still cut-

Yeah, not me.
Got it.

He is staring
right at me.

Go over there and
say something.

You know, he's probably just
staring at these wine bottles.

Look at him, he looks
like a real boozer.

Can you just go over
there and say something?

You're my husband! You're
supposed to protect me.

Yeah, I never agreed to that. Just go.

Hi. Uh, listen,

If you're staring at those
wine bottles over there,

I completely understand, it's just that

They're right near my wife's
head and she gets confused,

She thinks you're
staring at her, so-

Actually, I was
looking at your wife.

Oh.

Are you interested in making
a substantial amount of money?

I'm listening.

My name's edward brill.

I'm in the wig business.

And we pay quite handsomely for
quality hair like your wife's.

What are we
talking here?

Well, depending on how much
she's willing to cut...

$ , To $ , .

Wow.

Think about it.
I will.

I see you got the barbecue shrimp.

Please!
Help yourself.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, babe.

Hi, honey.

You got it.

Aw. That's really sweet, baby.

Thank you.

What was that?

What was what?

You barely brushed
your hair.

You're supposed to do,
like, strokes a night.

Where'd you
hear that?

Uh, one miss marcia
brady. Come here. Look it.

, , -

Actually, that feels
kinda nice.

Of course it does.
, , -

You know what I was thinking? Hm.

You...

would look
really good...

With short hair.

What are you saying? You just
said you loved my long hair.

Yeah, I know, but-

If you love something,
you know the saying,

You gotta
"set it free"!

What?

Ahem. You know what? Just
thinking out loud here-

When we do cut it, we should
put it in a bag and sell it.

, .
Stop.

What? What are you
talking about?

All right, look, the guy tonight
at the restaurant was a wig maker.

All right? He says you have beautiful
hair we can make a ton of money off!

You want me to
sell my hair?

Look. I know it sounds weird,
but he's talking, like, $ , .

I really don't care!

Well, carrie, cou-

Just think about it
for a minute, ok?

First of all, we could
really use that money,

And, bonus, we could
be helping other people.

People who aren't
blessed with your

Thick, beautiful
long hair.

Actually, it would be
nice to- to give back.

There you go!

So $ , , huh?
Yes.

And the best part about
it is a year from now...

You'll have a full head
of hair again, bang, $ ,

In the pocket again.

We could do a lot
with that money, right?

We can get that pizza oven
I've been talking about.

Or, more, we can go on that
cruise with deacon and kelly!

Better yet, when
they come back,

We throw 'em
a pizza party!

Fine. Next batch,
I got dibs on.

What do you think?

Wow.

Look at you!

So it's good?

Look at you.

I know!

Look at you.
Mm.

Hey, mon, you ready for
some island-hopping?

I should have never let
him watch "cool runnings."

Where's carrie?

Uh, she's upstairs
working her comb-over.

Haircut not so good?

You know moe, from
the "three stooges"?

I'd k*ll for that.

Ta-da!

So, what
do you think?

It's really,
really...

Sassy?
Yes!

I know!

That's what the
stylist said!

And you know, it's so easy to manage.

I mean, my hair dries
faster than his now.

That's true,
it does, it does. Faster.

You know what? I'm gonna
go say good bye to my dad.

Why don't you guys load
up the bags in the car, ok?

Oh, honey.

Tell them how I got
carded at the liquor store.

Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.

She did. 'Cause "she
looks like a weird boy".

Oh, hey. We're
leaving now.

Who the hell
are you?

I got
my hair cut, dad.

Anyway, we'll be back on
sunday. I made you lasagna.

I'm gonna put it in the oven
so you can have it for lunch.

With your hair cut short like that,
you know who you look exactly like?

Halle berry?

Frank medford.

Ok.

He rented a room from
your mom and I

When we first got married. Oh, yeah?

He was always
very nice to your mother.

He...

Looked after her when
I was away on business.

He moved out rather abruptly around
the time she got pregnant with you.

Ok, daddy.
I love you.

I'll call you
from the boat.

Oh, dear god.

How great is this? We're halfway
to barbados with our best friends,

We have robert
goulet singing to us.

I mean, what else
can you ask for?

Not a thing.

What, deac? You
wanna cut in?

Dancin' with my wife,
but hey, what the heck.

Let's mix it up!
Swapsie!

Hey. Hey, all right.

Let's see what
you got, big boy.

Right.

Hey, arthur.

You're late!
Late?

You told me minutes ago and
told me to be here in minutes.

Let's not waste more time
with your pathetic excuses!

Ok. What's going on?

You see that man in there? ... Yeah.

I have reason to believe he
may be carrie's real father.

What are you
talking about?

It's a long story.

Actually, it's
pretty short.

I think he boinked
carrie's mother.

If there was only some way
I could know for sure.

Well, you could do
a dna test.

You send in some of her
hair, some of his hair,

You'd know in
a couple of days.

How am I gonna
get his hair?

It doesn't have to
be hair. It can be...

Saliva, or a
skin sample.

Skin sample, huh?

I'll be right back.

Hey, frank!

How 'bout we catch up with a
good old- fashioned scratch-fight?

What?
You know.

A scratch-fight. Like we used
to have back in the neighborhood.

You know, just
for kicks.

What the hell is
going on here, artie?

You call me up
out of the blue,

You invite me over here
for crab legs,

And instead,
all I get is tap water-

You're absolutely
right, frank.

Allow me to apologize by
swabbing the inside of your mouth.

Ok. I'm outta here!

So soon? Wait!

You have something in your hair. What?

Ow!

Turns out it's just
a clump of your hair.

How beautiful
is this?

Yeah. It's
beautiful. Just...

A little chilly, isn't
it? Here, let me help.

Let me help you with
this right there.

Stop! No, honey.
Come on.

I actually like the wind
on my scalp, you know?

Feels good.

Ok. What's the matter?

Nah. I over-buffeted. Oh.

Oh, look, it's robert goulet! Where?

Where?

I'm sleeping
with his wife.

We loved your
show tonight.

Yeah, and I usually hate
that kind of crap.

Isn't that sweet?

Actually, would you mind if
we took a picture with you?

No, as long as he likes my
crappy music, why not?

I'm just gonna go get the
camera. I'll be right back, ok?

Boy, that is...

Wild hair.

I just thought she'd look
cute with short hair, you know?

Like jamie
lee curtis.

Oh, jamie lee. I love her. We
did a "muppet" special together.

She sang a haunting duet
with fozzie bear.

Oh, wait. I have my
camera right here.

Hey.
Hey.

What were you doing?

Nothing, I'm just sitting here
talking to mr. Robert goulet.

Can you believe it?
Pinch me! Now! Pinch me!

That's crazy.

Were you talking
about my hair?

No! No.

Was he making fun
of my hair?

Look, I'm in a hurry. I've gotta
call bingo in the barracuda lounge.

Yeah, you're not going
anywhere, show-tunes.

Was he making fun of
my hair or not? Was he?

He says you look
like pete rose.

Pete rose? He's the all-time...

Hits leader!
He's-

Oh, buddy.
I'm sorry. Look.

Drinks half price at
my late show, ok? See ya.

Carrie,
what're you doing?

I'm leaving.

You do realize
we're on a boat.

Then I will swim. I have
the perfect hair for it.

Come on! I saw you and
robert goulet laughing

At how bad
my hair looks.

We weren't laughing at how bad your
hair looks. We were laughing with...

How bad you hair looks.

I can't believe I
convinced myself

That this looked
stylish and sassy.

I look like
a mental patient!

I know. It's hard. Get off me!

Don't touch me!

You know how
humiliated I am?

And you talked me
into this!

I didn't know it was
gonna look so bad.

Here's the thing. Your
hair's gonna grow back

And you never have
to do this again.

Actually, one more time, 'cause
the pizza oven was part of the deal.

Aaah!

Look, we made a mistake,
what do you want me to do?

Shave your head.

I'm not shaving
my head.

Well, shave
something, babe.

Yeah. That's right.

How about that weird
patch on your back?

Oh. No.
I need that.

We can still have a
good time, all right?

Why don't you
- here. Throw this scarf on,

And we'll go meet deacon and
kelly at the midnight buffet.

I'm not going anywhere
until my hair grows back.

What are you saying? We're
gonna stay here in the cabin

For the rest
of the cruise?

Not we.

You guys got
an extra pillow?

Just askin'.

Mmhm.

Hey.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry.
It was cold, all right?

Where's kelly?

She left. She got pretty
freaked out when I got into bed.

Oh, man!

I've really been looking
forward to this trip.

Now I'm stuck in bed with
you instead of my wife.

Women.

Sometimes it's like no matter what we
do, it just isn't good enough for them.

Don't lump us
together.

I saved up money for
months for this trip.

You sold your wife
for parts.

I'm sorry. What am I
supposed to do?

I don't know, but I got two more
days on this boat without my kids

And I plan on gettin'
lucky, and not with you.

Well, just for that
the candy shop is closed.

Quit hogging
the blanket.

There's gotta be some way
I can make this better.

Buy her a hat, or...

A helmet.

How about a wig?

Ok, where am I gonna get
her a wig on a cruise ship?

Where were you gonna
get a helmet, idiot?

Well, now I see why
kelly left. I really do.

Ok. Shhhh. You
gotta be fast.

Ok.

Look, I really appreciate
this, mr. Goulet.

Ok. Lock up
on your way out.

Ok.

All right.

Let's do this and
get out of here.

Where's the wigs?
Where's the wigs?

Look at this stuff.

Hey, man. How would
I look if I wore this?

Looks like you ate
elton john.

Come on.

Here we are!
Look at this!

All right.

What do you
think?

This one
is nice.

All right, well, put it on. What?

I'm not doing that.

That's why I brought you here,
so I could see it on someone.

Trust me, any wig I put on
I'm gonna look like rick james.

I got an idea.

What are you doing?

I'm drawing her face.

All right.

How does that look?

I don't know. It doesn't
look much like carrie.

Oh.

Now look.
How does that look?

There she is. Yeah.
Yeah.

So?

What are
the results?

I don't know, spence. I've
been too nervous to open it.

Do you want me
to look?

No, I should
do this.

According to this,
the father is...

Spence olchin.

What?!

You bastard!

There must be some mistake. Yeah!

The mistake was letting
you anywhere near my wife!

I've never met
your wife

And I'm only years older than carrie.

Oh, look at you,
you're if you're a day!

Ok, arthur, the reason my name
is on this is because I'm the one

Who paid for the test!

For reasons I still
don't understand. Yup.

Well, you wiggled outta
that one pretty good.

See? It says right here,

"Frank medford
not a match."

You're carrie's father.

Well, that's
pretty anticlimactic.

I'm gonna grab a nap.

Hey, look who found himself
a high-class hooker, huh?

Hey.

Girl, you look amazing. Damn.

Damn? Now, do you mean that? 'Cause
you said you liked my short hair.

No, no, no. That was
scary. You're good now.

Oh, yeah? 'Cause I kinda feel
like a charlie's angel, you know?

Freeze!

How great is this, man?
Isn't it fun?

Look at us. We're all
hanging out. We got good hair.

We're just chillin'. It's awesome,
man. Don't get better than this.

What are you looking at?
You got a problem?

No, no. I just
- I wanted to ask you if you wanted to dance.

Oh.

Do you mind, honey?

Kiddin' me? You're
doin' me a solid.

I have the wrong underwear
on for dancing.

Thank you.

Hey. There
you are.

Thought we were
gonna dance.

Oh, you're finally
done with paco?

Ugh. I'm all yours
now, baby.

God, you smell
like old spice.

That's sweet.
You're jealous!

I'm not
jealous.

Aw, dougie-wougie,
he's jealous! Stop it!

What is wrong
with you?

When I looked horrible
you didn't like it,

Now I look fantastic
and you don't like it.

I wouldn't say "fantastic." Oh.

Really? That's interesting,
because there's a whole shipload

Of cabin boys that think
I'm pretty sexy, so

Nighty night.
Yeah?

Well try it without
your little friend. Yeah!

Doug! Give that to me! No!

No, the wig's mine now.

Yeah, so go hit
the dance floor, cue ball.

Come on, you're
being a jerk.

No way. No. You know what?
It's my turn maybe.

'Cause it's
dirty dancin' time

And guess what?
Baby just showed up.

You could've told me
it was for you.

I would've understood.

What the hell
are we doing here?

I don't know,
honey.

Look.

I'm sorry about
everything, all right?

I'm sorry too.

It's beautiful
tonight, isn't it?

It is.

Yeah.

Come on, honey!
I'm waiting!

Ugh. I really
don't wanna do this.

You promised.

Let's hear it.