08x22 - Fight Schlub

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.
Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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08x22 - Fight Schlub

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi. What's
for dinner?


That's it?
Just soup?


'Cause usually, it's like soup and-

Ok, do you really want a salad?

I'm just saying, something's
gotta lure me in here, I mean-

What's it gonna be, the hot
water or the mushy vegetables?

Doug, come on, I worked
really hard on this,

I chopped, I diced,
I even wore an apron,

Please try it.



It's pretty

Just needs something. What?

A slab of ribs. I'm
calling smokey joe's.

Honey, did you see my blue camisole?

I think I'd be more of a help
if I knew what a camisole was.

It's like a t*nk top, only... Nicer.

Anyway I took it out last
night and now it's gone.

Didn't just get up
and walk away.

I'm sorry, do you think I'm wearing
it under here and not telling you?

Come on! I wanna
look nice today.

I'm meeting that girl
that I'm mentoring.

What are you
talking about?

You know the thing that
my company sponsors,

Where you can volunteer
to help a troubled teen?

I thought you said you
didn't want to do that.

Did not.

Yes you did.
You said,

"Why would I want to spend my
time with some pimple-faced reject

Who's probably gonna end
up robbing a liquor store?"

Doug, the point is
that I thought about it,

And I can really relate
to these girls, you know?

When I was a teenager, I
did some messed-up stuff.

After my mom
d*ed i...

Started flunking out
of classes, shoplifting-

Not to mention
promiscuous as hell.

Wo-whoah, where
you going? Hey,

You know you're not allowed up there.

I'm returning
carrie's camisole.

All right, boys, I skipped
breakfast, I'm starving,

So you know the rule.

Yup. Anything we're not
chewing, could be yours.

I don't believe it. What's up?

Over there, a bunch of
guys from priority plus.

Man, I hate
those guys.

"We offer quality service
at affordable prices."

How gay
is that?

Yeah, and they're sitting at our table,

You know. Come on. Lemme
- lemme handle this, ok?


I understand you guys
aren't from around here, and

You probably
didn't know but

This here, it's
an i.p.s. Table.

Has been since .

We knew that.

Why do you think
we sat here?

Hey, how's that
di-cad working out for you?

Still freezing up
by the airport?

That's it! Easy, easy!

He's not
worth it.

You know
what guys?

I don't like the smell in here.

Let's bounce.

We're bouncin'.

Oh, by the way, try to enjoy your
iced tea without sweet and low.

can I take
your order?

Yes, can I get a,
uh, number , uh-

A bacon cheeseburger
and a large fry?

yup. Please pull forward.

how's that?

Yeah, ok.

Yeah, and a chicken sandwich
and a chocolate shake,

For my friend.

please pull forward. You got it.

Can I uh, get
some extra ketchup?

Anyway, I know being is really hard,

It's really,
really hard.

I mean, I was
when my mom d*ed.

My mom's not d*ad,

She just sleeps with every
dude who owns a guitar.


That can be
rough too.

So you like
fries, huh?

I guess. Cool. Cool.

Me too.

Call me crazy,
I like fries.

So anything you, uh,
you wanna talk about?

Boy trouble,
girl trouble?

Anything you wanna
rap about, just sh**t.

So how much more mentoring
do you have planned?

'Cause I'm supposed
to go get a tattoo.

That's about it, let me
get the check, excuse me-

Oh, be just
a minute hon.

So if it were me,
I'd dump him.


Let's just take off.

Gina, dear, we can't just take off, ok?

As your mentor, I should
tell you, it's very important

To obey the law.

The waitress
is a jerk,

The food


Let's just go.


If I can-
just a sec.

I mean seriously, it's ridiculous.

We've been through this a million times.

Oh my god,
oh my god!


You actually
did it?

Actually, you know
what? This isn't right,

Let's go back in
and pay the- nah-uh.

Quick, behind
the dumpster.


Oh, um-
hi, mr. Dugan.

It's my boss.

Uh, the mentoring is going fine.

Actually I just wish I had a
little bit more time with her.

This is one
troubled teen.

Ok, great. Well-

Then I'll see you
tomorrow. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Well I have
the day off.

What do you got
going on?

I'm supposed to
go back to school.

Oh, really? School?

"I like to learn."

Come on, let's go to the movies.

I don't have
any money.

You don't need any money,
you just flirt with the usher

While I sneak in back and
open up the f*re exit for you.


Honey, I am going to
teach you some things-

Nothing I can
do about it!

You know they make salad in a cup now?

Do me a favor, keep
it movin', all right?

You know I think with my
winch and some french fry oil,

I could probably
get you outta there.

You know what?
I'm fine.

Seriously, lemme
pull your truck out.

I'd rather stay here
the rest of my life than

Have some priority plus
clown get me out of here, ok?

So get out
of here!

Great, fine-

I'll let you get started with that. Ok.

Oh god! Hey!

Come back!

Hey, thanks
a lot for, uh,

Towing my truck
to the body shop.

Ya know, if my supervisor
ever found out, I mean-

It'd just-
I mean- heh.

You know.
Yeah, yeah.

I bet you guys are gonna have a
good laugh about this one, huh?

"Hey, chubby i.p.s. Guy
gets stuck in his own door."

Man, I'm not gonna
tell anybody,

I'm the last guy to
call anybody fat.

What are you
- what are you talkin' about?

Growing up, I was a pretty big boy.


Yeah, you know what my
nickname was in junior high?

"Boy gorge."

See? I'd k*ll for
a nickname like that,

You know what they
used to call me?

"The fat kid."

Not a very clever
junior high, was it?

Yeah, me, glasses
and pees-himself

Spent a lot of
lonely lunches together.

I can top that, here's
me in the th grade.

Lbs., Wearing
parachute pants

And a triple xl
neil diamond jacket.


You like...
Neil diamond?

Yeah, so?

I love him,

I was on the phone all morning trying
to get tickets to his concert next week.

Sold out!

I happen to have
tickets, and, uh,

I found out my girlfriend has to work.

Oh yeah? I'm just saying, you know.

Yeah but-

We couldn't, you know?
Because, I mean I'm-

And you're a-

You- you know-

Yeah, you're right,
you're right.

Where are the seats?

Row c.
I'm in.


Hey, here comes
one of your trucks.

Oh my god,
that's deacon!

What are you doing?

He can't see us together,
it doesn't look good.

Well, this doesn't
look great.


You're home late.

Oh, well, so I'm a little
late, what, is it a crime? Heh.

No. I gotta tell ya, I had a great
time mentoring that girl today.

I mean, you know when you meet
somebody and you just click?

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Anyway, deacon called.

He did?
What did he want?

He said he needed
to talk to you.

Did he say he needed to talk to
me or he wanted to talk to me?

I don't know, what's
the difference?

Carrie, it's
a big difference, ok?

Was he angry,
was he sad?

Did he sound like a man
who had been betrayed?

Ok, what's
going on?


I met

And shouldn't I be more
upset about that than deacon?

He's a priority
plus driver

And he gave me a lift home and, I dunno,

One thing led
to another, and

I'm gonna probably go see a neil
diamond concert with him next week.

So go, I don't
see the problem.

You don't see
the problem? Ok.

We're two drivers from
rival delivery companies

And you don't see
the problem? Boy.

I'd love to live in your
candy-coated world, lady.

Doug, I can't see why
you can't be friends.

I mean, you like the guy.
You both do the same thing.

Oh, then why aren't you hanging out
with somebody who works at a rival...

Office place
company, huh?

You have no idea what I
do for a living do you?

This isn't
about you!

Oh my god, you are gonna look
so pretty in that top we bought.

I know, and I can't
believe it was % off.

Well, it wasn't
until mama took

The price tag off that
rain coat. Heh heh heh.

Good work, huh?

Anyway you're totally wearing
that tomorrow when we go clubbing.

Carrie, I can't go
clubbing, I'm only .

You're right, gina can't
go clubbing, but uh,

"Beth wycowski" can!

You got me
a fake i.d.?

That's what mentors
do. There you go.

Aw, thanks.

Ok. All right, I'll
talk to you later. Ok.

What's that about
a fake i.d.?


Sounded like
something to me.

Look, it's
my business ok?

I don't think I like
your attitude, young lady!

I don't think
I care.

Oh, I see we've
started smoking.

How very

Look, I'm holding them for a friend,
all right? Get off my back already.

I will not.

You're painted up like a whore

And you're smoking like a chimney.

The whore part
I'm used to,

But the cigarettes will k*ll ya.

Look, I'm just having
some fun, all right?

Being a mentor isn't about having fun.

It's about being
a proper example.

Like you know a lot
about that, right?

Go to your room! No.

You've just lost your
allowance, young lady!

Ok, I give you
an allowance.

Yes. Actually, I'm going
to need an advance on that.

Anyway, we'll meet
at cooper's at :

And we'll go to
the concert from there.

Ok, oh, and by the way,

You left your
sweater in my car.

Not the v-neck
the other one.

Ok, I got heat,
I gotta go.

Hey, guys.

Hey. What's going on
in, uh, deaconville?

Me and danny gotta do
another half shift tonight.

Yeah, how come?

Aw, o'boyle's like a dog with a bone

About keeping up
with priority plus.

Those guys run a pretty tight operation,

Maybe we could, uh, you know,
learn something from them.

Can't learn anything from those guys,
they're a bunch of arrogant jerks.

"Jerks" is a
pretty ugly word.

Ok, how's "ass-wipe"
work for ya?

Huh. Guess I'm the only one
who doesn't think hate is funny.

What's with you? Nothing.

I like a
priority plus guy!

Look, you heard me ok?

I like one of their
guys, you know,

And I don't care
who knows it.

I- I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

Look, I didn't mean for
it to happen, all right?

I mean, the guy,

He towed my truck
out of a drive-thru,

Something you guys
would never do for me.

I towed you out of a wendy's
drive-thru not a month ago!

Yeah, and I pulled you out of
a tube in a mcdonald's playland.

Whatever, all right?
The point is,

You know I love i.p.s.

I bleed green!

Oh, come on danny,
you're with me right?

You broke my heart.

You know what, I'm sorry,
all right? But I like jack.

He likes neil diamond, and
tonight the of us, we are one.

Hey, there you are.

You want to, uh,
take my car?

Nah, we'll take
mine. Come on.

Where is it? It's over
here, keep walking.

I don't see...
Your car.


If they're coming, I didn't
order enough popcorn chicken.

You set me up
the whole time?


What do you think, I really wanna
be friends with an i.p.s. Driver?

What about the lunches,
the movies, the-

The rollerblading
in the park?

How'd you know
I like neil diamond?

All the fat boys
like him.

I don't think that's true.

I really don't think
that's true.

Working late huh?

What the hell?


Went to the neil diamond concert.

I gotta tell ya, that
guy puts on a real show.

All right, they got me,
they got me bad!


I told you,

You should've never trusted that guy.

Aw, great.

They pulled a
bubble mummy on ya.

Man, how are we ever gonna show
our faces around cooper's again?

Simple, we go
there tomorrow,

We take back our table,
and I take back my dignity.


Guy, easy around
the fun zone.



Hey, what are you
doing dressed like that?

We're gonna go see "the
thunder from down under,"

All male revue.

You don't want those
australian hotties

To see you
dressed like that.

Actually, me and my mom
had a really nice talk and

I think she's finally
getting her act together.

Oh, yeah? You know who else
is getting their act together?

The thunder from down under.
Now lets get you changed!

Really, carrie,
it got me thinking,

I should make some
changes too, so

I think I'm just gonna stay home
and study for my chemistry test.

Oh, please.

Like you're gonna be
a chemist, right?

Oh, my god.

I'm so sorry. I've
been a horrible mentor.

No, no, no.
You were great.

I mean, you taught me
how to hot-wire a moped.

Yes, exactly.

You know what? Maybe you should go.

Yeah, I should.

But listen, if you
never need any advice,

Please call me.

I probably won't.

Yeah, you probably shouldn't.
All right, good luck.

All right.


Looks like somebody
returned my package.

I guess this is
what you call bulk mail.

That's pretty
funny, jack.

But you guys ain't gonna
take cooper's from us.

You can stay.

There's a nice little table
over there by the bathroom.

Oh, somebody's gonna be
sitting at that table,

But it's gonna
be you ladies.

And how's...

That gonna happen?


Ok, it's a moment
like this,

That defines
our manhood. Hm?

That... Was a mistake.


Are you
listening to me?

I said, how's
that gonna happen?

I dunno.

I think it's kinda
cozy, you know?

It's cool.
It's cool.

Shut up.
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