02x06 - Eulogy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mother, you had me ♪

♪ But I never had you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wanted you ♪

♪ You didn't want me. ♪

♪ Let 'em get high ♪

- ♪ Let 'em unload ♪
- (loudly exhaling)

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Will be all right
if you let it go ♪

♪ Let 'em get high ♪

♪ Let 'em unload... ♪

Okay, so... maybe I'm not perfect.

I make mistakes.

I'm weak.

So maybe there's a million other guys

who would've done better than me.

But you chose to be with me.

So you're saying this is my fault?

Oh, my God. All I've ever
tried to do is just be the...

SAM: Nuh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh. Hold on.

You're getting there too easy.

- Too easy?
- Yeah.

I don't want to know

how you're gonna react.

You shouldn't know it.
That's not how people are.

Where is all this
confidence coming from?

It's poison for this scene.

Throw it away.

Cut it out.

Don't cry. I love you. Jaia.

You got to toughen up. Believe me,
this is nothing.

You got to toughen up in life...

and get weaker in the scenes.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- (clears throat) Okay.
- And Wong... Wong...

you're boring.

That's all. Work on it.

Move your arms around or
something; I'm falling asleep.

- Sure, Sam.
- SAM: Okay. (groans)

Let's get Henry and Josh up here.

Come on, guys, show us the gay version.

And maybe there are a
million different guys

that-that would have been better

for you, but you chose me.

You chose me.

I chose you?

I chose someone who
was gonna be with me,

who was gonna love me.
A-And do the right things.

That's what I chose.

I didn't choose someone
who was gonna run out on me.

J... I'm sorry, okay? I-I...

Sorry? Yeah.

See? I always like the
gay version better.

(all laugh)

♪ My friends are so alone ♪

♪ And it breaks my heart ♪

♪ And my friends
don't understand... ♪

(groans)

Okay, so when he says,

"I'm not perfect"...

what is that?

Why does he say that? Why?

Because this is shitty writing.

That's why. That's the only reason.

But, look, most of the work

you're gonna be given as actors...

It's gonna be shitty writing.

Do you think you're
gonna walk out of here

and get a job doing a
Quentin Tarantino monologue,

like, straight out of the gate?

No.

At best, % of the words

that you're gonna read are gonna suck

and have no real feeling behind it.

Anyone can do a scene
that's well-written.

The skill you're gonna need,

if you want to really work,

and get steady work...

As steady as you can, anyway...

Is to make shitty
writing mean something.

To elevate the work.

If you can take a bad
script and make it work,

they'll keep hiring you.

Okay? Good job, you guys.

Okay, let's hear it for
them. Clear this out.

MAN: I'm not paying for this.

- You already paid for it.
- This isn't what I ordered.

Okay, look, I'm not perfect,

okay? I-I'm weak.

- I can't hold this all day.
- But there are a million

- taco trucks out there.
- Look at it. You made this.

And you chose mine.

- Okay?
- I did. I did.

- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah, I did. But you know what?

- What?
- I want a divorce.

Oh, you got it.

Oh, frickin' comedians.

You guys, the problem is
you're great performers.

- That's a problem?
- Yes, it is. For an actor.

No character you're ever gonna play

is gonna sound like that.

You're playing a person in this scene.

People are weak.

They're not cool and fast.

What are your assets as an actor?

Your weaknesses.

Whatever your fears are,
whatever you suck at,

that's what you got to tap.

That's what people want to see

when you're playing people.

They want to see you at your weakest.

They don't want to watch some
assh*le comedian show off.

They want to see him fail.

That's acting.

♪ Let 'em get high ♪

♪ Let 'em unload ♪

♪ Everything will be all right ♪

♪ If you let it go ♪

♪ Let 'em get high ♪

♪ Let 'em unload ♪

♪ Everything will be all
right if you let it go. ♪

(imitates engine
revving, tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

- Cut. Reset.
- (bell rings)

Back to one.

- How many is that?
- Oh, I think, .

Ooh, fun.

Well, you know, at
least you're not spitting

and making noises. My lips are numb.

Joe. You're k*lling
it. You're doing great.

- Good looking out.
- You bodied that.

Hey, sorry, guys. Uh, the car folks

are making a couple
of adjustments, cool?

That's all right. At
least we're sitting down.

(chuckles)

- All right, let's go again.
- Okay. (clears throat)

Here we go. Rolling.

And... action.

(imitates engine
revving, tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

Cut. Reset.

Okay, everybody settle.

Quick, quick, quick. Oh.

All right, here we go. And... rolling.

Action.

(imitates engine
revving, tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

Cut!

(bell rings) Reset.

(sighs) Okay.

- Could I, um, get some water...
- Yeah, sure.

- ... that's really vodka?
- Count me in.

Here we go. Rolling. Action.

(imitates engine revving)

(imitates tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

Cut.

Reset. Back to one.

Is there anything different

that you want from me?

- Anything...
- No, you're fine. Yeah, mm-hmm.

(deep voice): Okay. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. This is, like,
uh... Groundhog Day.

Like, a -second version.

Also, it's longer.

- (chuckles) And not quite as funny.
- All right, so let's go again.

(laughs)

(bell rings)

- Think Macbeth, all right?
- Okay.

You know, it's, like,
this car is your mom.

Okay.

♪ ♪

So which act would
this be, Act V, Act III?

No, Act II.

- Act II?
- Obviously.

So it's still setting it up.

- Yeah, of course, of course.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

No. It's..

If I said...

Look, I didn't mean anything like that.

Really? I don't think...

Baby, uh, this is...
Really isn't the time.

I mean...

I'm... come on, Sam.

♪ ♪

Ooh, look at the pineapple.

- Oh, I want some of that.
- (Sam sighs)

- Hey, would you step out, please?
- Oh. Sure.

- Ha-ha.
- Fired, or...

- just... free?
- MECHANIC: Thank you.

Bring back supplies.

Oh. Oh, man.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, it was definitely the hood

that was part of the problem.

Is this the worst job
you've ever had in your life?

Huh? What? No, dude.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, what was the worst?

Okay, so, I was making
this horror movie,

Mm-hmm. and, uh, my
boyfriend turns into this,

like, purple monster,

and his hand reaches down and grabs
me, pulls me up to the ceiling...

JAIMYON: All right, that's
clear! Let's go again!

O... Kay.

Here we go.

- Everybody at one.
- Oh, my... Joe.

(laughing)

Wow.

- Action.
- Okay.

(imitating engine
roaring, tires squealing)

- Can I drive now?
- (imitates tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

(imitates tires screeching)

Can I drive now?

Can I drive now?

Can I drive now?

- (bell rings)
- Cut! Cut! Reset!

(speaking indistinctly)

- I thought that was the one.
- Yeah.

- Ooh.
- Okay.

So... see that, uh, woman over there?

SAM: The blonde one?

They want to do a
version with you and her.

- What?
- And at the end, they want you to kiss.

- Wha...
- I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

- (laughing): I got you!
- Ha! That was good!

- (laughing)
- You got excited.

- I got e...
- Yeah, yeah,

- you're wrapped, you're wrapped.
- I am?

- We're wrapped, baby!
- Ah, wrapped.

No, not you, Joe.

Oh.

I love you.

- Mwah! I love you, too.
- That was so fun.

- Okay.
- We'll catch up soon.

Thanks for the job.

- No problem.
- All right.

Let's go. Everybody else back to one.

Run like the wind!

WOMAN: Scarlet attends
Stanford University,

where she is a sophomore

and well on her way to
a degree in economics.

What do you want to do when you grow up?

SCARLET: I'd like to help restructure

the economies in new democracies.

WOMAN: What about just
being a little girl?

Yeah, I like to play
and be with my friends,

but also I want to start my career.

So if you were to get
married and have a partner,

would you support them financially?

Absolutely not. I have no desire

to support anyone who cannot
support themselves financially.

- Can we watch RuPaul Drag Race?
- How about being

- the president of the United States?
- Yes, please.

Maybe.

- Yeah, for a second...
- RICH: Oh! There's your mom!

- Oh! Did...
- Gentlemen, start your engines.

FRANKIE: What? That's
not the channel it's on.

- And may the best woman win.
- Well... okay.

Mom, do you want me to go back
so you can watch your thing?

No. It's fine.

Just... Geez!

Mom, what do you want?

I don't know... it just sucks
that you didn't go back.

Mom, don't do that.

It's not fair.

Okay, I don't care. Forget it.

They'll love you when you're dead.

That's right, when
you're dead they'll watch

all of your stuff, and they'll be amazed
at what you've done.

They'll say beautiful
things at your funeral

about how they were always
inspired by your career.

No.

No. I want it now.

I want it now.

I don't want to have
to wait till I'm dead

for my kids to appreciate me.

I'm numb from the waist
down, tuck included.

I really could die, bitch;
I'm giving you realness.

WOMAN: He's got a
smaller waist than Barbie.

WOMAN : Oh, don't sneeze, honey.

You know...

I think I have a right to say this.

- (scoffs)
- Frankie!

- What?
- Look...

I do a special thing.

I think I'm allowed to
say this at this point.

Your mom is an actor,

and I make things,

and I put myself out there,

and... I've accomplished some things.

And I've been doing
it, like, my whole life.

Besides the fact that it
pays for all your clothes,

it really sucks that
you don't give a sh*t.

(chuckles): Mom, you're being dramatic.

Screw you, Max.

Do you know how many
of your dance recitals

I've been to, and your games?

And your games, Frankie?
And I shower

you guys with praise... When you try.

Why do I get none of that in return?

'Cause you're the adult, Sam.

We're the children.

And it is my job to be proud of you.

But it also, it really hurts my feelings

that my work means nothing to you.

Mom, yes, we're proud of you.

And yeah, we'll say it at your funeral.

Well, I want to hear it now.

That's me. I'm dead.

This is my funeral.

Oh, God, cut it out, Mom.

No.

I d*ed, Frankie. This is my funeral.

Let's hear what you're gonna say.

Mom, Mom, no...

Oh, no, no, Dukey. No,
baby, you're dead, too.

We both d*ed. We're dead.

Look.

See? Look.

Look. This is you.

You're laying right here next to Mommy.

- How did we die?
- Um... well,

we got in a car accident, because...
we were... picking up... you, Frankie.

And you weren't there.
You went to Sanaam's house

without telling me, and we
had to go way up the canyon,

and we rolled the car.

Big ball of fire.

We're both dead.

This is our funeral.

Thanks.

Go.

Eulogize me.

Mom, you're, like,

traumatizing us right now.

Yeah, that's the point.

Let's hear any feelings about me at all.

Okay.

It's your funeral. (sighs)

Here lies Sam.

Ha-ha! Loser!

MAX: Stop it!

- It's not funny!
- Yes, it is.

This is a joke.

(loud footsteps going up stairs)

(door slams)

Do you see what she does?

She is such a drama queen.
She acts like a child.

She's always the victim.

Oh, me? Don't look to
me to back you up, girls.

TRESSA: You chased your mother

out of her own house.

That was stunning.

Yup.

O-Oh, my God. We didn't.

No, she completely started it.

Unless you want to
hear what I have to say,

don't engage me.

You're dead.

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ There goes ♪

♪ There goes my head ♪

♪ There goes my ♪

♪ Head... ♪

We'd sneak into the little boys' room

and mess around. (laughs)

- Really?
- Yeah!

But only small stuff.

One boy would lick his finger...

and then he'd stick it up
the other boy's keister.

(chuckles) That's as far as it went.

No blowing or anything?

Oh, no, no, no. It
was a Catholic school.

- Aw, that's tough, Ray.
- Mmm.

Nobody could be openly gay

until I was too old to have any fun.

I feel like the exact same thing

is happening to me.

- (phone buzzes)
- _

SAM: Oh.

- I got to go.
- Uh-uh, no.

I got this, babe.

Really?

Okay.

- You have a good night.
- Good to see you.

- Drive carefully.
- Thanks for the drink.

- There's a lot of nuts out there.
- I will.

- All right, honey bun.
- SAM: Bye, Patrick.

See ya when I see ya, Sam.

♪ In the stories, the
lies that they wrote ♪

♪ Escape me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And the winged horses ♪

♪ That we once rode ♪

♪ Have stopped breathing. ♪

♪ ♪

Hello?

(murmur nearby)

Hello?

Oh.

Shh.

♪ I saw God ♪

♪ By the river ♪

♪ Panning for gold ♪

♪ I saw God ♪

♪ By the river ♪

♪ Weary and old ♪

♪ He said, Son ♪

♪ I used to know ♪

♪ Where I put things ♪

♪ I used to know... ♪

Here lie Sam and Duke.

Gone so suddenly.

In attendance,

her surviving daughters,
Frankie and Max,

and her friends, Tressa and Rich,

who are now in custody of her children

because she left no
word of how to provide

for her children in case of her death.

Oh, sh*t. I got to take care of that.

Shh. We're dead.

Sorry.

Sam's friend Tressa would
like to say something.

♪ I saw God ♪

♪ In the forest ♪

(sniffs)

♪ Teaching Tai Chi ♪

♪ To the trees... ♪

Sam was my best friend.

Even if I wasn't hers, which is fine.

Hee.

Quiet are the dead.

Oops.

She is the best mother I ever saw.

Better than my mother.

Better than me.

I could never be like her.

Which is always a comfort.

She's like my pace car.

I love you, Sam.

I'll miss you.

Aw. Sorry.

My mom was really cool and talented,

and I really admired the
way she worked so hard.

And even though she
had to take care of us,

she did, amazing things.

And I always watched
every show she ever did,

but I never told her.

And I was always proud of
her, but I never told her,

because...

I think that once I gave her that...

I wouldn't have it to give anymore.

And now I wish I hadn't waited.

My mom was my rock.

Every day of my life I
wake up and I feel bad.

I feel like I'm not going
to get through this day

just with all the stuff
that's in my own head.

And as soon as I see...

Would see... her in the morning,

I would unload on her:
"Mom, where are my socks?"

Or whatever, because...

I needed to give her some of my... pain

because I knew she could
carry it when I couldn't.

And now that she's gone,

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I never watched my mom's shows.

Ever.

I never saw any of her work.

And I don't really care about
what she did because she's Mom.

(sniffles)

And I was jealous that
people knew her before I did.

And I never wanted to share her.

Not even with my sisters,

because I remember when
it was just me and her.

Even when my dad was there,
it was just me and her.

And I know that was hard
for her but I loved it.

(crying and sniffling)

So I don't like that
she's famous or on TV.

She's my mother.

I learned from her how to be a woman

and how to be a person.

And all I can say now
that she's gone is...

(crying)

RICH: Sam.

(crying and sniffling continues)

Sam was a...

unhinged...

complicated woman.

She was very short.

I never told her that,

but I think we can all
now say she-she was short.

Yes, she was very short.

(crying and laughing)

She lied a lot.

A lot.

She was two years older
than she ever told anyone.

She was the rudest,

most inappropriate woman

I've ever met.

(sobbing): Thank you, guys, so much.

I love you so much.

FRANKIE: I love you, Mom.

MAX: Mom, I love you.

- TRESSA: We love you.
- RICH: Yeah.

(crying): Nobody said anything about me.

I'm lying here dead and nobody cares.

- (chuckling): Oh, Dukey.
- Oh, Dukey.

Sweetie.

(overlapping chatter)

(Duke crying)

SAM (crying): No. No, you're not...

You're not dead. No.

- SAM: Tu-Tu-tuy.
- RICH: Tu-Tu-tuy.

- Tu-Tu-Tu...
- Tu-tuy.

I love you.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you so much.

I love you.

Sacrifice!

Sacrifice!

Rosemary's baby.

Sacrifice.

ALL (chanting): Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

(whooping)

♪ Oh, I, I ♪

♪ Will break you in ♪

Death is in, death is in.

(all laughing)

(whooping)

Death is in, man.

Oh, yeah.

FRANKIE: How does it feel?

- MAX: See you on the other side.

♪ I, I ♪