02x10 - Graduation

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mother, you had me ♪

♪ But I never had you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wanted you ♪

♪ You didn't want me ♪

♪ ♪

- What is this?
- It's a list.

Hmm. Why do we each have one?

Because this is important,
and I thought it all out,

and I, like, organized it.

Okay, so, you want us to,
like, read from this list, or...?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

And just please, like,
don't say anything

until I go through each thing, okay?

We'll see.

- Mom.
- Okay.

- Go. I'm shtum.
- Okay.

You have the floor.

- Okay.
- Okay.

This is what I want. Number one:

- I want a keg of beer.
- Ugh!

I know. I know we're
underage, but I want a keg.

It's a keg of beer. Paisley had one.

Design had a one, Adam had two kegs.

Mom, just text Pais's mom
and ask her what she did.

- [SIGHS]
- We're adults now, Mom.

[WHISPERING]: We're adults now.

Number two: I want a DJ.

And I don't want one
of your stupid friends

to, like, plug his iPod into the stereo.

I want a DJ with turntables
and, like, the stuff.

A real DJ.

Number three: I want tacos
and an ice cream station

with sauces and Heath bar pieces
and all of that.

- Number four: I want...
- Okay, tacos is a go.

- There is one more.
- Okay. Ice cream, check.

DJ, check.

Mom, there was one more.

[SIGHS] Max, you're not gonna have
a keg of beer in my house.

But if I don't have a keg,

or you don't, then kids are gonna go out

and buy beer illegally
and, like, bring it in.

Okay. That's fine with me.

Okay, if I have a keg,
and I'm serving a keg

to, like, -year-olds, ,
-year-olds, then I go to jail.

But if a bunch of people bring,
from I don't know where,

that's each of their parents'
separate problems, okay?

[SIGHS]

What about the last thing?

I'm not discussing that.

No! You're ignoring. Read it out!

No. No, Max, I'm not
addressing that. No.

You don't have to be here, Mom.

I'm going to your
graduation party, okay?

I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm excited.

And maybe even I may meet a boy there.

- Ugh!
- Max,

the last time you had a party
and I wasn't here,

somebody blew smoke in Frankie's face,

and there was a hookah burn
on the couch.

You want to know why I know
there was a hookah?

Because someone showed me
the Facebook photos

before you deleted them.

Yes, that's right.
I'm coming to your party.

And I'm gonna go ahead and say

that it hurts my feelings
that you don't want me there.

This isn't about you.

- I'm not saying that it is.
- Yeah, you just did.

Mom, just please just listen to me.

Like, just take a breath and listen.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

I'm listening. I'm listening.

Okay.

This party is about me and my friends,

and, like, I'm... I'm asking for this.

And I know it seems like I'm
demanding, because I'm, like...

I'm afraid you'll say no
so I'm trying to...

Like, I-I get it. It's your house.

You don't have to do it,
but just please let me have this.

No keg. Fine.

Like, I'm not trying
to hurt your feelings.

Just... thank you
for the food and the DJ.

Please don't be here.

And there's one more thing.

It's not about the party.

I don't know, Max.

I'm kind of tapped out
right now. What is it?

Well, I talked to my dad.

You know, he's coming to my graduation.

Oh.

Did he tell you?

What... what is...? [SIGHS]

Tell me what you need.

Okay, well, uh, my dad and I planned

that I was just
gonna get dressed here,

and then, he was gonna pick me up,

and take me to graduation rehearsal,

and then, we were gonna
go get something to eat

before the ceremony,
and then, he was gonna

drop me off here with you guys
for the family thing after.

You guys planned this?

I mean, yeah, well, I mean,

I know you were gonna do it,
but, like, now you don't have to.

Is there any other things
you would like me to not do?

Would you like me
to vanish into thin air,

but still pay for everything?

Mom.

[SIGHS]

Okay, baby. I'm sorry.

Just come here.

Come here.

I love you.

It's whatever you want.
It's your big day.

No keg, no dr*gs.

I'll be across the street at Gran's.

Your dad can take you.

I love you.

It's whatever you want.

No keg.

No me.

- Thanks. I love you.
- Okay.

[SIGHING] Ooh.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING,
CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

Oh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Mom, do you remember
my high school graduation?

No.

- Friends.
- Hi.

- Max.
- Hi.

Mom, those are grown men.
Those are fully-grown men!

Well... she's grown-up now.
She'll probably be pregnant soon.

[INHALING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[QUIETLY]: Mom, get low. She's looking!

PHYLLIS:
So how are you going to do this?

Tomorrow's the big day, and your
place is going to be a wreck.

[LOW GROWLING]

[BARKS]

[SAM GROANS SOFTLY]

[WHIRRING]

Max?

Come on.

Wakey, wakey!

Come on.

Oh, my God.

[SNIFFLES]

Yeah!

What time is it?

It's : .

People start arriving at : .

[GROANING] Oh!

Drink this

and eat this onion.

You got to start waking up.

I have to eat this onion?

Honey, your mom knows.

It's time for you
to learn these secrets.

Drink this down first.

Quick.

Good.

Now bite down into this.

Serious.

Oh, my God! [COUGHS]

How does this help?

It doesn't. Ha!

Oh, my God! Mom!

SAM: But you should rub it on your feet.

Really?

MAX IN DISTANCE: Frankie, get that.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- SAM: Frankie, get that!

- Right there.
- Frankie, why are you ignoring me?

Because you're yelling.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh. The doorbell is ringing.
I'll get it.

- Mmm...
- I know.

- Mm-mmm.
- I know. Don't do it.

- Not cute. m*rder.
- Mm-hmm.

- m*rder most foul.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's illegal.

Yeah, I like the ones
I got. Aren't they cute?

And they match your dress.
That's very coordinated.

- Yeah, and they smell really good.
- Oh, they do smell really good.

- It's your graduation!
- MAX: I love it.

My dad's coming at : ,
he's picking me up

- and taking me to rehearsal.
- Oh, that's great.

Max, honey, you got to go get dressed.

MAX: And he didn't tell me
where we're going for lunch,

'cause he's
being all secretive about it!

Oh, fun.

Hmm.

[KNOCKING]

- MAN: Hello?
- [GASPS]

Hello?

Bro. Bro.

Hi, sis. [LAUGHS]

- Thank you for coming.
- Yes.

- Oh, what? Oh, you're still hugging.
- Oh, sorry.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

Bro. That was nice.

Yeah, I guess I missed you.

Wait. Oh, my God. What, are you crying?

- Shut up.
- Stop it. Gross.

- Hi, Dormin.
- Hey.

Okay. Biggest Jew in the world at .

- Hi.
- Come to your auntie..

How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Um, it's my first year at Stanford.

So it's... a bit of an adjustment.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Impressive.

Dormin! Oh, thanks for coming.

Yeah. So good to see you.

Good to see you too.

DORMIN: Yeah.

- Hi, Marion, how are you?
- Hey, sweetie.

- Hi.
- Good to see you.

Good to see you.
Here's your present.

- Oh, thank you.
- It's a... a treasury bond.

Doesn't mature till .

I figure by then
you might be in some trouble.

Why? Is that the year I'm gonna die?

[LAUGHS] No.

That year she's set.
She'll have your money.

[CHORTLES]

Please tell me you didn't invite Rich.

- No, I didn't.
- sh*t, Rich!

- How are you, Marion?
- Hey, how are you, grown man?

- Feel a little better.
- All right.

Mom.

Hello, Marion.

Mom. Hi.

Hello.

Mom.

- I'm here.
- Yes, I see that.

Hey! [STARTS VOCALIZING
"ANOTHER OP'NIN', ANOTHER SHOW"]

Hi!

- Is that Tressa? Hi.
- Hello, gorgeous.

My dad's coming at : .
He's taking me to graduation.

Mmm, won't that be nice?

- Hi!
- Hey, hey.

Hi, I'm Marion, Sam's brother.

Hi. Jeff. I'm Sunny's ex-husband.

Hey.

- Sunny!
- Hello!

- Jesus, you look great.
- Oh, thank you.

How did you get through a whole
husband since I saw you?

'Cause you're never here,
assh*le. What, am I supposed

to go to Dallas to visit
my best friend's brother?

- No.
- Come visit.

- Cheers.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

SAM: Max, honey,
do you want to go get ready?

- Oh, what time is it?
- It's, like, almost : .

- Oh! Oh, we have to go.
- [GASPS] Come on.

Go get makeups!

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, thank you.

- Here you go, honey.
- To you!

- Hey!
- TRESSA: Hey! Now we drink.

Poi... Po-po-po...

- You like that?
- It looks great. Thank you.

That... I haven't finished.

Lean in, please.

Thank you, dear.

Can't believe it.

I can.

Really? It didn't all go by so fast?

No.

It all went by really slow.

And it's not over.

I mean, what, do you think
she's gonna move out tomorrow?

Plus she's not even yet.

- Also, she's a dum-dum.
- [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

♪ Magic moment... ♪

[GASPS] Max, baby,
you look so beautiful.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Oh.

- Hello?
- Is that my dad?

Yeah.

XANDER: Sam.

Hi. What's up?

[WHISPERS]: Does he want to talk to me?

Yeah, I'm at the airport.

Um...

You... You're what?

Did you just land?

Because you're due here
in about ten minutes,

according to the plan
that you made

with your daughter.

No, no. I'm about to board a plane.

- Not arriving.
- What?

I'm at the airport because
I'm about to get on a plane.

I don't understand.

Did you not fly here yet?

I had a complication in my schedule.

It's very complicated.

Um, and it's personal,
so I can't share the details.

Xander, what-what are you saying?

I'm not coming.

- I...
- [SIGHS]

[MARION COUGHING]

I can't come.

- I'm... I'm not coming.
- [MARION CONTINUES COUGHING]

I feel terrible.

I know you're judging me right now.

- People make their choices, Sam.
- Yeah. Yeah, they do.

And it's not right to judge people

for doing what they must for themselves.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

[SIGHING]

[BREATHING HARD]

[SNIFFS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Marion, did you bring a camera?

[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUING]

Hold on. Mom, what'd my dad say?

Um...

Mom?

He's not coming, baby.

What happened?

SAM: Uh... I... I don't know.

Uh...

He's not coming.

He's getting on a plane.

[SOBS SHARPLY]

PHYLLIS: What happened?
Why is she crying?

Xander's not coming, Phil.

Oh, well, he was never coming.

Sounds familiar.

Your father didn't show up
for your graduation?

She didn't come.

Oh... Oh, my God.

- Guys, guys. Enough. Enough.
- [SOBS]

Max.

Max. Maxie.

Maxie.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

That was a lot for nothing, wasn't it?

Max, breathe.

Breathe.

[SOBS HARDER]

I can't believe he's not coming.

It's okay, because I'm gonna take you.

You certainly are not.

What?

I'm taking you to tea.

Mom, what are you talking about?

It's my surprise.

I'm taking you for afternoon tea,
just you and I,

and then we meet up later at her event.

Phil, you didn't tell me.

It was a surprise.

Mom, I'm not going anywhere with you.

I have to take Max to rehearsal.

SUNNY: I can take her.

I can take her to rehearsal
or whatever the plan was.

I can take her.

It would be an honor.

Me too.

Well, I think that I should
probably take you.

See, baby?

You got your choice.

Mom?

You're the best mom in the world.

[SNIFFLES]

♪ I'm glad I spent it with you... ♪

I want to go with Rich.

Oh.

Okay. Let's get going.

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

[FAINTLY] Whoo, yeah.

[SHORT LAUGH]

[EXHALES]

Okay.

I'm, uh... [SNIFFS] calling an audible.

[PATS LEGS]

[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]

Rich is gonna take Max.

And, uh, I am going to...

tea with my mom,

apparently.

And, um...

[GROANS] Duke and Frankie...

Dibs on them.

...are going with Jeff.

SAM: So everybody else, good luck,

Godspeed,

and I'll see you at the ceremony.

I like tea.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER NEARBY]

MARION: Ha. No.

So, honey, it's fine
that you didn't pick me.

I wanted to give you this privately,

because it's not
for your mother, it's for you.

- Thank you.
- I love you.

- Congratulations.
- Love you, too.

Uh-uh-uh-uh, you're
not riding back there.

FRANKIE: Why? I see dogs ride
in the back of trucks

- all the time.
- Yeah, well, no one cares

if a dog gets thrown across the highway.

- Babe, you don't have seat belts.
- Get in the cab.

Sunny, come with us.

No. Not her.

- We're going alone. This is special.
- Phil, don't push it.

[WHISPERS] Come on.

- What's going on there?
- Nothing.

- Whoa. Oh.
- Maybe.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING FAINTLY]

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hi.

How ya feelin'?

Mm, it's like normal.

You're probably thinking
about your future right now.

Yeah, I guess so.

Can I say one thing to you?

Hmm?

Plastics, Benjamin.

[LAUGHS] Thanks.

Mom.

I didn't want to say this, 'cause...

I'm not, like, a little kid anymore.

And, like, this is stupid.

But you didn't get me
a graduation present.

Just, like, a thing.

Or a something.

This is...

stupid, but, um...

it's a little weird.

I'm sort of surprised,

like, and I don't want to be a jerk
about it, I really don't want...

Oh.

Oh.

Oh-ho-ho.

[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]

Do you like it?

Mom, it's so beautiful.

Good, because that's not
your present, though.

Come on.

Oh.

Can you see?

[LAUGHS] No.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh. Ooh.

Sit.

Okay.

Stay here. Don't move.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[IN DISTANCE]:
Take off your blindfold.

[INTRO TO "TILTED" BY
CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ I'll die way before Methuselah ♪

♪ So I'll fight sleep with ammonia ♪

♪ And every morning,
with eyes all red ♪

♪ I'll miss them
for all the tears they shed ♪

♪ But I'm actually good ♪

♪ Can't help it if we're tilted ♪

♪ I am actually good ♪

♪ Can't help if we ♪

♪ I am actually good ♪

♪ Can't help it if we're tilted ♪

♪ I am actually good ♪

♪ Can't help it if we're tilted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I miss prosthesis
and mended souls ♪

♪ Trample over beauty
while singing their thoughts ♪

♪ I match them with my euphoria ♪

♪ When they said,
"Je suis plus folle que toi ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ I'm doing my face ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ With a magic marker ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ I'm in my right place ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ Don't be a downer ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ I'm doing my face ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ With a magic marker ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ I'm in my right place ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, I am ♪

♪ Actually good, good, good, good ♪
♪ I can't help it ♪

♪ If we're tilted ♪

♪ I am actually good, good, good ♪

♪ Good ♪
♪ I can't help it if we ♪

♪ I am actually ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪
♪ I can't help it if we're tilted ♪

♪ I'm actually good ♪

♪ Good, good, good ♪
♪ I can't help it ♪

♪ If we're tilted ♪

♪ I am actually good ♪

♪ Can't help it if we're tilted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Oh, my God!

[WHOOPS]

f*ck yeah, Mom!

Oh, my God.

Whoo!

- Yay!
- [LAUGHING]

Yeah!

That was so amazing.

I feel like I'm
in a fever dream right now.

- We do.
- We do, yeah.

SAM: Cool.

- Yeah.
- Cut.

[LAUGHTER]

[WHOOPING]

[WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH]