04x01 - Juneteenth

[bunniefuu]

Dre: Children bring so much joy...

except when you have to watch
their school plays.

My name is Diane.

And I'm Jack.

We're in Ms. Davis' third-grade class.

Years from now, when I look back
on this footage,

I look forward to hearing you eat mints.

[Chuckles]

They're butterscotch.

- Mm, okay.
- Halfrican.

Uh... Okay, Ruby.

Well, can I have one, please?

Mnh-mnh. It's my last piece.

[Sighs]

- Can I have one, Grandma?
- She don't have any more.

- Well, yes, baby.
- What?

I've always got a butterscotch
for family.

In , Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

[Scoffs] Okay.

I'm Christopher Columbus,
and I discovered America.

[Chuckles] Okay...

Fake history, right?

No, I just don't think these
children are that talented.

Is everything okay, Mr. Johnson?

Do you feel that there's
not enough representation?

Because after the last incident,

I had children bussed in.

Honestly, if I wanted my children

around this many minorities,

I would have taken them
to a Tyler Perry play

and shamelessly enjoyed it.

- Rainbow: Dre.
- Hmm?

Dre. Can you ask your mom for a
butterscotch for me, please?

- Mama...
- Unh-unh.

- She said no.
- Rainbow: What...?

Zoey: You know, I can drive now,

so we can just leave
and never come back here.

[Scoffs] And miss the moment
when Mom decides to divorce Dad

and we sneak out
under the cover of night

to start a new life,
opening an artisanal coffee shop

in a transitioning but scrappy
neighborhood in Portland?

[Piano playing]

Dre: Ms. Davis, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Where you really failed

is this isn't how it went down.

[Rapping] ♪ Everything you
know about Columbus is a joke ♪

♪ He didn't discover America ♪

♪ Prepare to get woke ♪

♪ I'm Christopher Columbus,
and I'm pretty much evil ♪

♪ On Hispaniola, my men k*lled
the indigenous people ♪

Die, Indians!

But this isn't India!

- Speak English!
- [Pop!]

[Grunts]

♪ You're so brave, Columbus ♪

♪ More than words can convey ♪

♪ And it's cool how your men
k*lled , people in one day ♪

♪ So let's make one thing
perfectly clear ♪

♪ Celebrating Columbus is
celebrating a sl*very pioneer ♪

But at least you can get
a great deal on a mattress.

- [Piano playing]
- [Inhales sharply]

We will take your opinions
into consideration.

Hmm. Well, instead of making
us celebrate your holidays,

why don't you celebrate some of ours?

Hmm. Everybody is represented here.
St. Patrick's Day.

- Columbus Day.
- Mm-hmm.

- Cinco de Mayo.
- Yeah.

- What about Pac's birthday?
- Oh, well...

What about Magic Johnson's
Still Alive Day?

- Really?
- Earl.

What about Juneteenth?

Maybe you should have led
with that last one.

- Maybe.
- Okay.

[Piano playing]

I offer this to you in peace.

Dre: Mm, mm, mm.

I can't believe you would honor
a sl*ve trader like Columbus

when you do not honor Juneteenth...

a proud black holiday tradition
that my family treasures!

What? We don't celebrate Juneteenth...

Shut up, Junior! You love it.

- [People murmuring]
- It's very important in our household.

Johnsons, we about to be out.

Excuse me!

[People gasping, murmuring]

Here we go again.

I hope you enjoy the rest
of your r*cist pageant.

- [People gasping]
- Johnsons!

- We out!
- No, no, no, no!

That... That's not true!

% of the cast are colored children!

- Rainbow: Okay.
- Children of color.

That was not great.

♪

[Groans]

Hi.

So, we just want to thank you
for the minorities.

We can tell you're trying,

- and it means a lot to us.
- Thank you.

- Okay. See you, now.
- But...

Listen, I have a great eyebrow person.
[Chuckles, groans]

Huh? What does that mean?

What?!

[Laughing] I look fine!

[Laughing]

I realized that for Juneteenth to live,

Columbus Day had to die,
so it was up to me.

Well, me and Grammy-nominated
Aloe Blacc.

Okay, you know the drill, man.

You get lunch when you make me a hit.

All right, let's take it again
from the top.

Come on.

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Christopher Columbus
was honored for his bravery ♪

♪ But he never sailed to North America ♪

♪ He sold children into sl*very ♪

Mm!

Stevens: That does not
sound like an ad for Samsung.

Nope, I'm using Aloe Blacc

to put an end to Columbus Day.

You're why black people can't get jobs.

Well, that's one of many reasons.

Dre: I'm serious.

Columbus Day is a BS holiday.

Okay, so I guess you'll
be at work on Monday. Oh.

You sound stupid.

Okay? Did you know

that Columbus never even
set foot in North America?

- What? Prove it.
- Yes, he did.

- Come on, now.
- Fake news.

The only reason we celebrate dude

is 'cause everyone remembers
that hook, "In ..."

All: "Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Charlie: Mm-hmm.

First I'm hearing
about this Columbo fellow.

What?

I spent my time in school

learning a trade
way more valuable than any book.

I learned how to forge résumés,

college diplomas, time sheets.

I've said too much.

The point is we celebrate a horrible man

when we don't even acknowledge

important moments in our own history,

like Juneteenth.

Oh! What is June...

- Daphne: Oh, my God!
- No, no, no, no, no.

No! No, no, no, no.

- ...teenth?
- Damn it! There goes lunch!

All right, June , ,
or "Juneteenth,"

is the day in America where
all slaves were finally free.

You did this. You.

And on that fateful day in history...

Aloe Blacc: Actually...

maybe Juneteenth is
better explained through song.

Oh.

Dre: Oh. Okay.

You know, I usually give
the history lessons around here,

but go ahead, Aloe Blacc.

You know, I'll just sit here.

[Keyboard playing]

♪

♪ I am a sl*ve ♪

♪ Yes, I'm only a sl*ve ♪

♪ They'll place my body
in an unmarked grave ♪

♪ In these Confederate days ♪

♪ It's kind of hard
to lift every voice singin' ♪

♪ While worrying about how low ♪

♪ The sweet chariots are swingin' ♪

♪ I could swing from a tree ♪

♪ But, hey, oh, I hope and pray
they don't k*ll me ♪

♪ Today I am still just a sl*ve ♪

If the Emancipation Proclamation
was passed in ,

why weren't you free until ?

Well, it took two years
for the Civil w*r to end.

Oh, so you were free when the w*r ended?

Nah, not for two more months

because Texas landowners
wanted another harvest.

That's not cool.

Well, none of it was cool.

But an army ship arrived
on June , ,

and announced we were free.

That's why we celebrate Juneteenth.

♪

♪ I am a sl*ve ♪

♪ In the home of the brave ♪

♪ A product of the triangular trade ♪

♪ Please pardon my ways ♪

♪ If I'm nervous
or the slightest bit skittish ♪

♪ In the presence of the Portuguese ♪

♪ Spanish, Dutch, or British ♪

♪ They kept me in colonial chains ♪

♪ Tell me how to persuade them to chill ♪

♪ Or to save me, and still I'm a sl*ve ♪

♪

That was not uncomfortable at all.

Nope.

Is that stuff true, Papa?

Just like anything black people do,

if Juneteenth
had a chance of succeeding,

we would have to brand
and market it twice as hard.

What do you think
of this Juneteenth mock-up?

Hold on.

Did you take my egg rolls?

[Garbled] These aren't for the table?

They were not.

Stevens: Really, Dre?

I figured this was one of those things

that you would just get tired of,

like kente cloth.

♪

This isn't a trend, all right?

Juneteenth is a -year-old tradition

that no one's heard about,

not even my black kids.

I mean, there's... there's storytelling.

There's red-velvet cake, hibiscus tea.

Actually, hibiscus tea
is a modern-day substitute

for strawberry soda.

- Oh, really?
- That's interesting.

- Really?!
- Never had it.

- I didn't know that.
- Thank you, Aloe Blacc,

for correcting me
in front of company. Okay?

Josh: Hey, Dre, I don't get it.

I mean, don't you already have MLK day?

And Black History Month?

And Reparations Day.

That's when in times of civil unrest,

we start urban bonfires

and acquire discount electronics.

Charlie, are you talking about looting?

- That's just looting.
- Connor: Yeah.

The truth is we don't have anything

that celebrates the end of sl*very.

Stevens: Well, MLK Day is a
pretty big umbrella there, Dre.

Like, Mary Poppins big.

- [Chuckles]
- This is insane.

You don't tell white people
or Jewish people

that they only deserve one holiday.

Connor: Well, half that
statement's true. [Chuckles]

It just seems, Dre, like you're
getting a little bit greedy.

For real?!

- Yeah.
- You guys are giving push-back

on the one thing that honors
the end of sl*very?

You do know why
America's so rich, right?

Because we built this land for free.

♪

- Mama?
- Yeah, baby?

Can you tell us a story?

Of course I can.

Baby, what kind of story
you want to hear?

- Um, tell us a scary story.
- Mm.

No, no, no, tell us a love story.

Ooh! Tell us a story

- about a sl*ve who gets free!
- Junior!

- Say what?
- Ruby: Oh, my God!

W-What did you...?

Boy, what is wrong with you?

You see, them light-skinned
babies never know how to act.

Here's a story won't get us all k*lled.

How we built this country for free.

[Choir vocalizing]

[Hip-hop b*at plays]

♪

[Baby crying]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

More quick.

♪

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be all right.

♪ We raised their children ♪

♪ Then raised their buildings ♪

♪ And they made billions ♪

♪ I'm catching feelings ♪

♪ Really? What else did we build? ♪

♪ Railroads ♪

♪ Wall Street ♪

♪ The White House and university ♪

♪ UVA? ♪

♪ We built that ♪

♪ Chapel Hill? ♪

♪ We built that ♪

♪ Pyramids? ♪

♪ No, sorry, our Hebrew brothers
get credit for that ♪

♪ Mazel ♪

♪ Let's turn up and get it poppin' ♪

♪ Settle down ♪

♪ We still ain't got nothin' ♪

♪ We built this ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ We built this ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm done, y'all ♪

♪ I'm-a keep it ♪

♪ Tomorrow when I hit the field,
I'm-a keep runnin' ♪

♪ We did everything
that the overseer wanted ♪

♪ And if we got paid,
then we'd be stuntin' ♪

♪ Sugarcane, cotton hands ♪

♪ My blood and sweat
paid for this land ♪

♪ My life would have been different ♪

♪ If I didn't have cinnamon pigment ♪

♪ We built this ♪

Josh: Wait.

You don't think
my grandparents' summer house

in Savannah, Georgia,
was built by slaves, do you?

Oh, i-it's so beautiful.

There's this big house,
and then there's all these

little play houses out back... Oh!

- Oh, no.
- Daphne: Yep.

Every Thanksgiving,

you felt up your cousin
in sl*ve quarters.

Only before she got married
and after her divorce.

A-And last week.

You've never truly loved
until you loved your cousin.

She's my first cousin.

- Doesn't matter.
- Thank you.

Dre: The point is

black people don't get
the credit that we deserve

for working hundreds of years.

You can never put a number
on the amount of wealth

that we've created for this country.

Actually, social scientists estimate

that slaves contributed

- $ billion worth of economic value.
- What?! Seriously?

- Dre: Seriously?
- both: Wow!

Seriously?

Aloe Blacc, you are a guest at my work.

I don't show up at your job

and vaguely sound like Tracy Chapman.

I'm doing you a favor.

- Connor: Dre.
- Brah?

Aloe Blacc has convinced us
sl*very was a bad thing.

Yeah, so thank you for that, Aloe.

I'm just saying, Dre,
that maybe it's healthier

for you to put
all this negativity behind you.

Your people...

Well, they have been free

- for a long time.
- Long time.

- Dre: Really?
- Yeah.

You think we're free?

Your tone makes me feel
this is a trick question.

Things just didn't get better
on June th.

Even when we were free, we weren't free.

[All cheering]

Free! We're free!

We're free! We're free!

[Laughs]

Come here!

[Both laugh]

Get over here! [Laughs]

- We're free!
- So, what happens now?

Oh, we're free, dummy!

Okay, but what does that mean?

Well, it's...

- Pops.
- Ruby: Yeah.

What does that mean?

What do you think
it means, dummy?! We're free.

We're free to do whatever we want!

- Whoo!
- Ohh!

Diane: Then can I ride a horse?

Absolutely, baby!

Can I buy strawberry soda?

Yeah! Yeah!

But you gonna have to
get in line behind me.

- Oh!
- Can I be president?!

- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey, hey, now.

- Settle down.
- Oh!

That's your son.

Okay, I got it, Pops. Listen here, son.

Being free

means we're finally
gonna be equal to the white man.

[Hip-hop music plays]

♪

♪

♪ Freedom, yeah ♪

♪ No sl*very no more ♪

♪ No listenin' to massa ♪

♪ Goodbye to white folks ♪

♪ Freedom, yeah ♪

♪ No sl*very no more ♪

♪ No listenin' to massa ♪

♪ Goodbye to white folks ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ I'm talkin' 'bout Juneteenth ♪

- ♪ Talkin' 'bout Juneteenth ♪
- ♪ It was the th ♪

♪ But the th's
when it was told to us ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ It's time to vote for me ♪

♪ To take part in this democracy ♪

♪ Tear them freedom papers up, please ♪

♪ 'Cause we don't need to show ID ♪

♪ It's June th we celebrate ♪

♪ Grab a blonde and miscegenate ♪

♪ Ooh, ain't that somethin' ♪

♪ I can finally whistle
at a white woman ♪

♪ I'm-a start a business ♪

♪ I'm-a get a loan ♪

♪ I'm-a move to the 'burbs
and buy me a home ♪

♪ I'm-a take a vacation,
and when I'm gone ♪

♪ They won't burn crosses on my lawn ♪

♪ I can sit at the counter
and rub elbows ♪

♪ And I won't get sprayed
with a fire hose ♪

♪ When I get reparations,
I'm-a act a fool ♪

♪ Plant my acres
and ghost-ride the mule ♪

♪ Get my acres and a mule ♪

♪

♪ Get my acres and a mule ♪

♪

♪ Get my acres and a mule ♪

Josh: Wow.

I had no idea, Dre.

Hey, I want to be onboard
with Juneteenth.

I really do,

but y-you have to admit it's
a confusing thing to celebrate.

I mean, do I get you a card?

- Do you get me a card?
- Stevens: I don't know, Dre.

It seems like a straight-up
conflict with Father's Day.

[Scoffs] In our community?

[Chuckles] Eh, okay.

And June is the beginning
of wedding season.

In our community?

- [Chuckles] Eh, okay.
- Dre: I'm only hearing excuses.

This is what America always does.

We think if we don't
acknowledge something awful,

it didn't happen.

Sure, Columbus' men
cut the hands off of people

and made them
wear them around their neck,

but no, let's not talk about that

because that happened so long ago.

Stevens: Wow, Dre,
you are all over the place.

Aloe Blacc: He's right.

I mean, you got me over here

drawing logos, singing songs,

posting facts about sl*very
from my personal Instagram.

- Wh...
- Where are you going with this here?

I mean, what do you want?

What...

What do I want?

It... What do I want?

You know what?

I'm tired of wasting my breath on y'all.

I'm out.

Dre's right.

You guys' behavior is unacceptable.

I'm out, too.

And not just because I have
a : flight to Oakland

for an "Electric Slide" convention.

♪

Stevens: Aloe, I've been meaning
to tell you, uh,

I-I love your song "I'm Happy."

Josh: Oh, no, that's...

- that's...
- Hmm?

You know, I even know this.
That's the other guy.

Here's an invitation
for our school talent show.

- Ooh!
- It's for you.

- Alone.
- Rainbow: Huh?

- No guests.
- Do not bring your husband.

Uh...

Okay, guys, guys, your dad
deserves a second chance.

Maybe he will behave.

You don't really believe that.

- I don't.
- That's what we thought.

[Door closes]

I just have to say it, though.

Hey.

What's wrong with you, son?

You look like somebody
stole your lunch money.

Dre: Come on, Pops. Not now.

I just realized
how much people don't like us.

Oh!

You just now realizing that?

You know those guys at the office

would rather work
than celebrate Juneteenth?

Juneteenth?

Dre, when did Juneteenth
become important to you?

You don't even celebrate Kwanzaa.

That's because they make us
feel like it's wack.

They make us feel like
all of our stuff is wack.

Kwanzaa is wack!

I know the guy who invented Kwanzaa.

Owes me $ .

Pops, think about it.

Kwanzaa is no crazier than Christmas.

What's that you say about Christmas?

Okay, look, I will admit
this Juneteenth thing

started out as a rant,
but it got me thinking.

As much as I love the th of July,

shouldn't the real Independence Day

be the day that everybody was free?

Pops: [Chuckling] Oh! You trying to
take away their illegal fireworks

and a four-day weekend?

You must be trying
to start a race w*r, son.

I'm just saying I'm tired
of justifying our stuff.

Irish people...

They don't beg us
to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

Well, Dre, that's because
leprechauns and green beer are fun.

sl*very isn't easy to talk about.

I mean, it makes people uncomfortable.

Mm, white people hate
being uncomfortable.

That's why they
invented those Rockports.

[Laughing] You know, them shoes. Yeah.

We do so much already
to make them feel comfortable.

We change the way we talk.

We straighten our hair.

- We watch "Portlandia."
- Ooh.

- I love that show.
- Yeah.

We do everything we can do
to turn down our blackness.

Well, we're never gonna
not have to do that, son.

Look, people are never
gonna celebrate something

they barely even want to admit happened.

Look, I get that, but at least

can we have one day where
the country acknowledged it?

It would feel like...
I don't know, an apology.

- Wow, can you imagine that?
- Oh, hell, no.

Instead of waiting for an apology,

why don't we just do something?

I mean, if we want to honor
the end of sl*very,

then we should celebrate Juneteenth.

Zoey: Wait, that's what Juneteenth is.

We don't celebrate the end of sl*very,

but you wake us up early
on Cyber Monday?

- [Zoey scoffs]
- You are a bad black person.

Yeah.

You know what?

Not anymore.

From now on,

- we will be black out loud.
- Rainbow: Oh!

Our whole family
will celebrate Juneteenth.

- Ruby: All right.
- Boom!

I know where to buy strawberry soda.

And I make a mean red-velvet cake!

I'll fire up the grill. That
loud and black enough for you?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- I'll hang up my stocking.

♪

Oh, buddy.

- Mm.
- What?

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

So we were a little late this year,

but the Johnson family
finally celebrated Juneteenth.

And as much as I want it to catch on,

maybe all we can do
is try to heal ourselves.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

So when America's finally ready
to truly apologize,

hopefully we'll be ready
to forgive them.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪

Pops: In , Congress actually
did apologize for sl*very,

but with the following caveat.

"Disclaimer...
Nothing in this resolution,

(A), authorizes or supports

any claim against the United States,

or, (B), serves as a settlement

of any claim against the United States.