04x06 - First and Last

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Having a baby around means
you're always celebrating first.

First smile. First step. First words.

But having older kids makes you realize

that while we spend
so much time on the firsts,

we don't pay enough
attention to the lasts.

The last time your daughter needs you

to sign a permission slip.

[SOBS]

The last time your son

wants to cuddle with you before bed.

The last time your daughter laughs

at Mr. Spaghetti Monster.

[SLURPS]

The lasts come fast and furious,

and you never know
when they're gonna hit.

- Come on.
- Oh!

Junior couldn't b*at me
at one-on-one yet,

but I could feel it coming.

Block my sh*t, son.

So, I went with another classic last...

the last time I could fool my son

with the fake heart att*ck.

Ar... are you okay?

- Ah!
- [THUD]

I'm really gonna miss that one.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Whew.
- Are you sure you're okay, Dad?

Yeah, it's just a heart cramp, son.

It's a real thing.

JUNIOR: I don't want to tell you
how to live,

but I think it's a good idea

to start taking a baby aspirin
every day.

Maybe I'll look into that.

Too bad I got that heart cramp,
or I would've beaten you.

Maybe.

Feel better, Dad.

Heart cramp?

That's what my doctor called it.

They also say it's the thing
that k*lled Andre the Giant.

Come on!

Dre, this act is getting so old.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you so much.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Oh. Oh, my God.

Heart cramp!

[THUD]

You can't fake a heart att*ck

every time you want to get
out of trouble.

I had no choice.
Junior is coming for me.

He's gonna b*at me at one-on-one.

So?

So? There's no coming back from that.

- What?
- But you don't get it.

You know why? Because everyone
has surpassed you.

You're being ridiculous.

- Huh?
- Junior is not coming for you.

You need to calm down
and stop reading into things.

[SIGHS] Maybe you're right.

If we don't get Chipotle tonight,

I swear to God I'm going to
burn this house down!

[HUFFS]

What's wrong with her?

Okay, she has threatened
to burn this house down before,

but this time, I think
she wants us inside it.

Chipotle does sound good, though.

I love Chipotle.

♪

Hey, you don't need your stool anymore?

Nope.

Oh, cool, cool, cool.
I don't need mine either.

You look taller.

Are you eating more protein?

It's probably the protein.

I'd love to talk regimen.

What are you doing?

I want to see how much ground
I have to make up.

Tonight, when you're
in your most deepest sleep,

I'm going to hurt you.

You guys almost ready for bed?

We'll be ready when we're ready, Mother!

Do not speak to me that way, young lady!

♪

What's that, Dre? Yeah, coming!

Did you hear that?

[WHIMPERS] Chills.

Diane's always tough,

but usually she has
the precision of a sn*per.

- I know.
- Now she's just a lunatic

lobbing cherry bombs at a gas station.

Dre, I am legitimately scared.

What if the baby looks at her
the wrong way,

and she just goes off?!

He can't focus yet. It's not his fault.

She's turned on us both.

Oh, God. We have a miserable tween, Dre.

We have lost her.

DIANE: I can hear you
whispering out there.

- Ah!
- [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]

Our kids were changing
in new and nasty ways,

but I was trying to take Bow's advice.

Maybe I was making too big
a deal of the Junior thing.

He was just growing up.

Hey, Dad. I've got something for you.

Thanks, son.

Isn't this sweet?

A gift for your old man.

Well, actually, I bought them
for myself a few weeks ago,

but my feet are growing so fast
that I already grew out of them.

I figured since your feet
are smaller than mine,

you might want them.

Well...

isn't that nice.

Mm-hmm. I'm glad you like them.

Nobody gives their father
a pat on the head

and a pair of shoes

unless they're trying to send a message.

As usual, Bow was wrong.

My son was coming for me,

but these shoes are fire!

BOY: Come on, hurry up.

Hey, guys.

What?

Uh... what happened to your skirt?

- What are you, a cop?
- No.

- What happened?
- Well, as you can see,

we had to give Diane the back-up pants.

Yeah.

She got her period.

Oh, my God.

My baby got her period?

It must have been such a hard day.

It was. She really zeroed in
on my weaknesses.

- Wait...
- Do you think these bangs

- make me look desperate?
- What?

Or that children just aren't
in the cards for me?

[HORN HONKS]

Ain't nobody got time for you
to make a friend, Rainbow.

Let's move!

Yep, I am on my way.

I'm... yep.

Hello. Hi.

- Oh, hey, baby.
- Hey.

I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to her.

Oh!

- Guess what.
- What?

Okay, you know how Diane

has seemed more dangerous than usual?

- Mm-hmm.
- She got her period.

- Whoa.
- Right?

- Our little girl.
- I know.

- It all makes sense now.
- I know.

The moodiness, the threats of arson.

Well, I...

I should go talk to her.

No! As much as I think
Diane would love to have

- this conversation with you,
- Mm-hmm.

I think I should take
the first sh*t at it.

- Fair enough.
- Yep.

But let the record show
that I did offer.

- Great.
- Which makes me a great daddy.

Mm... offering doesn't really
make you a good father, but...

Yeah, it does. Ain't that right, baby?

- Hey. This time I'm talking to you.
- [LAUGHS]

Hey, whatcha got there?

Nothing.

School picture time, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Say, when did you school hire
another black teacher?

That's Diane.

She got to stand in the back
with the other tall kids.

Well, she is tall.

But look at you right down
front, holding the grade sign.

It's not special.

It's what they do
for the smallest kid in class.

Well, you got to be strong
to hold it up that long, right?

[SIGHS] It's on a stand.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh.

Hello-o!

Mom!

You're here!

Even though I specifically
told you not to come.

Sweetheart, I had to.

We have to mark the sacred rite
of Diane's first cycle.

Ooh!

Couldn't we have just
done that over Skype?

That's not how magic works.
Now, where's Diane?

I need to dance in a circle around her.

Mom. Okay.

Mom!

Mom...

I'm not gonna let you traumatize
her the way you did me.

May the sacred flow of your menses

topple the patriarchy
and bind you to the goddess.

[HORN SQUEALS]

Your period talk sounds
like it was garbage.

Mm-hmm.

See? I told Rhonda
what she needed to know.

Now you listen to me.

If you can send a man to jail
around the first of the month,

then you can get his check.

Pshh. That's how I roll.

You want some of this Wild Turkey?

I appreciate your input,

but this isn't my first period rodeo.

This is a beautiful thing, honey.

Your uterine lining is decaying

and then sloughing off

and turning into blood

as it moves out of your vaginal canal.

I did a great job with Zoey,

and I'm gonna do a great job with Diane.

I've got this period talk on lock.

- DIANE: I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Oh.

I know you want to make
a big deal out of this,

but I've got it.

Really?

We learned about the menstrual
cycle in health class.

I have the Flo app.

I know I'm a fierce goddess

and I know how to snatch a man's check.

Ah!

I'm good. Okay?

Well, that's really great,

and I'm so glad you're on top
of everything,

but, sweetheart, this is
a really big deal.

Mom.

Mm, yes?

Trust me. I've got this.

Okay?

Okay, well I'm...
I'm here if you need me.

- I got it.
- I'm...

She doesn't need you.
No one needs you, Rainbow.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, mm...

Hey, guys. Now before I forget,

I got to leave early on Friday.

My God, Dre.

How many Essence Fests are there?

Not enough.

Okay, look. I have to b*at
my son at basketball.

[LAUGHTER]

Dre, that's not gonna happen!

Come on. Come on.

You can't dribble, you can't sh**t.

Ahh, he's great at a lot of things.

Like calling fouls, flopping,

letting us know how much time is left.

Having a wife that's too good for him.

- Agreed.
- Oh, so out of his league.

Man, I want to see her
in her bathing suit.

- What?
- In her bathing suit.

Ahh, I'm afraid it's true, Dre.
We all agree.

Your window to b*at your son is closed.

- I thought I had more time, man.
- Nope.

That's what my father thought

the day I b*at him
in bare-knuckle boxing.

But to be fair, he wasn't
expecting it at his work.

Yeah, I bested my father
on the polo fields,

and after the match, I k*lled his horse.

Oh. What a mess.

I k*lled a horse once.
It was by accident, but he d*ed.

It must've been great when you
finally surpassed your dad, huh?

Oh, yeah.

♪

No.

Ha ha! I b*at you, Pops.

In your face.

In your face!

- You...
- Oh, sh**t!

Yeah, that felt great way,
way, way back when it happened.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Hey, Daddy. Do you remember
when I finally b*at you,

- how great that was?
- Oh, yes I do.

So, we were at the lake house.

I held him underwater for seven minutes.

Seven minutes.

He struggled so much.

Oh, how we laughed
when I came back to life.

[LAUGHS] My face is smiling,
but I'm deadly serious.

I live in fear that Connor
will k*ll me one day.

Do not let your son b*at you, Dre.

And sell your lake house.

[LAUGHS] Hey, sweetheart.

Ohh.

What a good kid.

I wouldn't drink that.

After hearing how
my co-workers doubted me,

I knew it was time to go to work.

♪

♪

Stop hand checking me, fool.

Ready for the shake-and-bake?

Ahh.

Oh! Dre! Dre! Dre! Dre!

What is you doing, boy?

Oh, I just, you know, was
getting fit to b*at Junior.

What is wrong with you?
He's a strong, young man.

You cut hot dogs into your cereal.

It's savory.

Dre, listen.

If you want to b*at Junior,

you gonna have to break him down.

Use psychological warfare.

Uh, I don't think that's gonna work.

Alright.

Yeah, you probably right.

I don't even know why I mentioned it.

Hmm.

That's what I get for being a busybody.

I'm just being an old man.
I don't know nothing.

- What do I know?
- No, no, no.

Hey. Pops.

That was a great suggestion,
and you know what?

I'm gonna try it.

Hey, man, please.

Don't feel that way.

I don't.

What?

Psychological warfare.

DRE: Junior!

Come in here for a minute.

Ta-da!

I made you a slideshow.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Is this another compilation
of me falling on my ass?

Ooh-ooh!

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

No, this isn't about you making
a fool of yourself.

It's about us.

♪ My child arrived just the other day ♪

- Wow.
- ♪ He came to the world... ♪

I barely recognize the kid
in these pictures.

You're growing up so fast, man.

So, I put something together

that would slow it down a little.

Wow, thanks, Dad.

I didn't know
you really cared this much.

This is really, really special.

Pops was a genius.

Junior fell right into my trap.

Psychological warfare.

What are you doing?

Nothing! This is normal night laundry.

Go back to bed!

I can't. Once I'm up, I'm up.

You okay?

Why would I tell you
when there's absolutely no way

of you understanding?

[SCOFFS] Get out of my way.

♪

Grandma Ruby with the baby.

Zoey, what are you doing here?

I thought you were staying at Shelly's.

Oh, is that where I told you I was?

Yes, that's where you told me you were.

Well, Jack called me to come
talk Diane about her period.

Why did Jack call you?

Because Diane's freaked out

and too embarrassed to admit it.

She told me she was fine.

Yeah, Mom, she's .

- I...
- I'm no expert,

but that sounds like
a real parenting failure.

You're a parenting failure!

I'm sorry.

I'm lashing out because
I am a parenting failure.

It's all right. I will talk to her.

Girls are hard.

Boys are easier.

Right?

Hey, don't think we're friends.

I don't think we're friends.

It's just unfair.

I'm the first one in my class
to get my period.

It's embarrassing and gross.

I had to wear sweatpants
from the lost and found.

There was an open mint in the pocket.

You think that's bad?
One time in gym class,

I got my period... ruined my shorts.

Coach Vernon made me wear

the lower half of the mascot's uniform.

- That's terrible.
- It was awful.

Can I come in?

Mom, can you tell her the story
of what happened to you?

You mean the couch story?

- Yes.
- Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Diane, one time I got my period...

This is a true story.

Mm-hmm.

...on Rob McGuire's white couch.

- Ooh!
- And I ruined it.

And people called me "Spot"
for like a year.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- It happened to you, too.
- Yes, sweetheart.

- Can we come in?
- Come on. We don't have to ask.

Here they come, guys. Here they come.

Okay, so, listen to this.

This one right here...

I tried to tell her
how embarrassed I was,

and all she kept saying to me is,

"A goddess knows no shame,"

while blowing incense in my face.

Okay. Maybe I went a little overboard,

but I just wanted you to feel
loved and celebrated.

My mother kept me home from school

because my body was "dirty."

Grandma, that's awful.

It was a different time.

Got that right.
Growing up, I was a tomboy.

And me and my daddy did
everything together...

throwing balls, me sitting on his lap.

When I got my period, a wall went up.

Mm.

I was a woman, and that was that.

Wow. Different time.

I think I liked it better
when I didn't know as much.

- It's not all bad.
- Aw. No.

I mean, obviously,
Mom did a terrible job

- at explaining things.
- Terrible.

But she did tell me that being
a woman is awesome,

which it is,

and then she took me to Forever

and let me go hard on the graphic tees.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's not all material.

It's a gift from Mother Gaia.

It means that you can make life.

- Hmm. What's that?
- Okay, please, no.

[HORN SQUEALS]

- [LAUGHS]
- My God.

That's my childhood. Right there.

Want to hear another story?

- Yes.
- Okay.

[GRUNTING]

What the hell you doing, baby boy?

Growing.

Well, that's not making you any taller.

It's just making your arms longer.

- [GROANS]
- Which is not a great look.

Come here. Come on down from there.

[GRUNTS]

Now, what's wrong?

I just want to be as tall as Diane.

I'm tired of being
the shortest one in my class.

Well, you've got to be patient.

Girls mature faster than boys.

Your daddy was ' " till high school.

Same size head, though.

Whoa.

Yeah. Don't worry.

Eventually, we catch up to the girls.

I mean, not mentally.
That never happens.

But I promise you, you will grow.

Come on. Give me a hug.

[SNIFFS] Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Boy, you stink.

I do?!

Yeah.

Like a man?!

Like a filthy, dirty, funky man.

- Ohh.
- You need deodorant, son.

Yes!

And none of that all-natural stuff.

The more chemicals, the better.

k*ll that funk dead.

♪

I'm a man.

[SNIFFS]

Ooh!

All right.

First one to wins.

Let's have a good game.

Just me and my number-one son.

Save it! You're going down!

What?

Your slide show was so nice
that I had to watch it again.

That's when I found out that
it was just a few pictures of us

tacked onto a slide show
of you and Zoey.

I can explain, son.

I know what you were doing!

You were trying to get into my head.

But this head is locked tight.

Ow.

What's that tingling?

Not today, Dad. Game on.

Ow!

One!

That's one!

- [Meek Mill's "Ima Boss" plays]
- Whoo!

JACK: Yeah!

♪ Look, I be riding
through my old hood ♪

♪ But I'm in my new whip ♪

♪ Same old attitude,
but I'm on that new ♪

♪ They say they gon' rob me,
see me never do nothin' ♪

♪ 'Cause they know that's the reason ♪

♪ they gon' end up on the news clips ♪

♪ Audemar on my wrist, bust-down ♪

- ♪ Bling!♪
- ♪ We poppin' bottles ♪

♪ Like I scored the winning touchdown ♪

♪ Remember me dead broke? ♪

♪ Look at me, up now ♪

♪ I run my city from
South Philly back to Uptown ♪

- ♪ Thank God, all these bottles I popped ♪
- Hit that. Hit that.

♪ All this paper I been gettin' ♪

- ♪ All these models I popped ♪
- Ohh!

♪ I done sold ,
before my album got dropped ♪

♪ And I'm only ,
I'm the... now, look at me ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Hold up, hold up!

Give me the ball. Give me the ball.

♪ 'Cause I made it from the bottom ♪

♪ It was never no way ♪

♪ And I never had a job,
you know I had to sell, yay ♪

♪ I'm a boss, I'm a boss ♪

- ♪ I call the sh*ts ♪
- Whoo!

♪ I'm with the m*rder team,
m*rder team ♪

♪ Call the cops, call the cops ♪

♪ We in the building ♪

- Game point!
- Come on. Let's go.

♪ You short on the paper,
you gon' ball or not ♪

What you got?

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm a boss, I'm a boss ♪

♪ I call the sh*ts ♪

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

You tried to manipulate me,
but it didn't work.

What do you have to say
for yourself, old man?

Good game.

What?

"Good game"?!

Yeah.

Man, your jump sh*t improved.

I knew I was gonna have
my hands full coming into this,

man, you know?

The better man won.

What are you doing?!

It's no fun rubbing it in
if you're nice! What...?

Hey, I know I'm supposed to be
mad, son, but I'm not.

Your mother was right.
You're becoming a man,

and if surpassing me helps you
reach that potential,

then that's just
a hit I'm gonna have to take.

Stop it! Break something!

Yell! Tell me I'm adopted!

Son, I am proud of you.

You're ruining this.

Psychological warfare?

[CHUCKLES]

At its best.

Are you choking me out?

If I was, you'd be out by now.

I'm hugging you, dum-dum.

I know you called Zoey.

I was worried about you.

That was a pretty grown-up move.

Yeah.

It turns out I'm actually more
of a man than I thought I was.

[SNIFFS]

I am ripe.

Congratulations.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry for being so mean.

Like, more than usual.

Is it going to be like this every month?

I don't know.

Based on Mom, I am not hopeful.

Huh.

Thinking of all the lasts
can get you down.

But lasts can open the door

for a whole new group of firsts.

Ow! That keeps happening.

Let me see that.

Oh, son, you need to,
uh, shave with the grain.

That way, you don't cut yourself.

Like this.

Oh!

Right?

That feels much better.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Dad.

All right. Hey, do the other side.

All right.

Yeah. There'll be plenty more firsts.

Plus I'm pretty sure I can
still b*at him at Connect Four.

Do I want to smell like
a rugged Swiss mountain

or "The Edge of Madness"? Maybe both.

Stop! You're gonna make me
cut myself again.

It's not my fault you're bad at shaving.

I have hard face angles.

Hey, Peach Fuzz and Stink! Shut it!

[GROANS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

That's just regular Diane.

Her period's not for another
days and hours.

How do you know that?

I've got the Flo app.

It's for my own personal safety.
We share a room.