02x22 - A midnight's nightmare

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody". Aired: March 18, 2005 - September 1, 2008.*
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Comedy centered around twin brothers Zack & Cody living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer.
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02x22 - A midnight's nightmare

Post by bunniefuu »

Dare a man
hath power to save.

Behold!

And the jaws of darkness
do devour it up.

[laughs]
oh, wow!
Great audition!

Isn't that
a beautiful speech?

Behold!

No one
says that anymore.

Why not? It's
a perfectly good word.

Behold! My tie is blue!

Behold! I got it
on sale!

Behold!

Mr. Forgess
has toilet paper
stuck to his shoe!

Oh! Hey,
that's very--oh!

Uh, oh. I'll
be right back.

I thought
I was pretty good.

You had no idea
what you were saying.

So?

My hair was fantastic.

Was vanessa
looking at me?

Doubt it.

She's too busy
looking at herself.

I don't blame her.

The only reason
I'm doing this stupid play

Is to look at her all day.

Am I too late
to audition?

I hope.

Hey, bob. I'm happy
to see you here.

I didn't know
you had an interest
in shakespeare.

I don't.

My mom said it was this
or oboe lessons.

Hmm.

Love the enthusiasm.

Zack:
Hey, vanessa.

We both have
something in common.

We both like
looking at you.

D-do I know you?

Hey, zackikins.

Oh, no.

I love this play,
don't you?

It's so romantic.

I'm auditioning, too.

Who's your friend?

Zack:
This is vanessa.

Agnes, I think
I left my jacket
in homeroom.

Could you go
get it for me?
I'm cold.

Oh, here.

You can wear my sweater,
zacky boo-boo.

Ooh.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ guess we have
the suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so, come on down ♪

♪ just me and you ♪
know what to do ♪

♪ so, come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me,
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so, come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got the suite life ♪

I'm back!

Who missed me?

I brought presents!

Man:
Welcome back!

London!

Oh! Welcome back,
london.

Yes,
how was your stay
at the tokyo tipton?

Fantastic.

Not as fantastic as the
boston tipton, right?

Actually, daddy says
the tokyo tipton

Is the best tipton ever.

Oh, yeah?

What's so great
about it?

The lobby there
was decorated

According to the asian
principles of feng shui.

I mean, you could
really feel the difference

In the energy flow.

It went right through you.

Are you sure
you didn't just eat
some bad sushi?

Ok.

See, this is a bagua.

It is also
the only thing she carried.

It's a chart
that shows how
to arrange your space

To enhance different
areas of your life,

Like good health,
good fortune,

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh what?

Uh-oh your lobby's
way out of alignment.

So is my spine.

There's too much feng.
Not enough shui.

Well...

London, this is all

Just a bunch
of mumbo jumbo.

Daddy says I can change
whatever I want.

Oh, dear.

Good luck with that.

Do you really think
I'll get the part of hermia?

Of course.

And I'm a shoo-in
for lysander,

Who gets
to kiss hermia.

I know.

I mean,
it's about time.

We have been
dating a day.

Want to practice?

Work, work, work.

Carey: Hi, cody.

Mom!

What are you
doing here?

I'm here to pick you up
like every day.

Where's your brother?

Maybe you didn't
recognize me

Because I've been
weight training.

Wanna feel
my g*ns? Ahh!

Come on, pumpkin!

Mom!

Ix-nay
on the umpkin-pay.

Orry-say.

Didn't we
make a deal

That you wait for us

By the mailbox
blocks away?

Well, forgive me
for wanting to see my boys
perform my favorite play.

Love looks not
with the eyes,
but with the mind,

And therefore, as winged
cupid painted blind.

Wow!

Wow! That was
fantastic.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I did
a little shakespeare
in my younger days.

But that's ancient
history now.

Bye, mom.
See you outside.

Uh, wait!
Uh, I could use

An assistant
director

And, wow! You
would be great.

I'm flattered!

The answer is yes.

Both: No!

I promise I won't
embarrass you, ok?

Oh! This is gonna be
oodles of fun!

Ha ha ha!

Walk with me.

[sighs]

Don't you love what I've
done to the place?

Don't you think
people are going
to have trouble

Finding
the check in desk?

If they do, you can just
ring the chimes like this.

Check in over here!

I have issues
with this outfit.

Well, there is no place
to put my wallet

And I'm feeling
an uncomfortable breeze.

London, I've got
a little situation
at the candy counter.

What's the situation?

It's outside and I'm
freezing to death.

Well, that's
because you've got

Your summer kimono
on, silly.

Why can't I wear
my old uniform?

Because it's in disharmony
with the lobby.

I'm not even
in the lobby!

That's it.
Are you sure that--

I think you've gone
a bridge too far.

Now, are you sure
that you're using

That feng shui
thing correctly?

Positive.

Now, everyone, help me
move that fountain

Into the wealth corner.

This is madness.

Ok? There is no way

That moving around
furniture in the lobby

Is going
to have any affect
on anyone's wealth.

Hey, $ !

Ow!

How about that?

Hey, what else do
you want to move?

Telegram! Telegram
for miss--aah!

Telegram for mr. Esteban
julio ricardo montoya
de la rosa ramirez.

Oh! It's from
my uncle ricardo.

Oh! He just struck oil
on our property!

And our entire family
is getting a share!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Yay, me!

See? I told you
this feng shui stuff works.

Aw, I still think
it's just a coincidence.

Excuse me, uh,
does anyone here own
a silver hatchback?

Oh, yes. That
would be me.

Well, uh,
I just totaled it.

Oh!
Lucky for you,

I own a company
which specializes
in foreign vehicles,

And so that you won't be
without transportation,

I'm gonna give you
the pick of the lot.

Well, thank you
very much.

It's
very generous, sir.

Ha ha!

♪ oh! I'm gettin' me
an italian sports car ♪

Whoo hoo hoo!

Yay, me!

All: We're rich! We're rich!

It worked!
My feng shui worked!

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

What?

My yacht just sank.

All: We're rich! We're rich!

We're rich! We're rich!

Robot.

Yes!

I got the part
of helena.

I got the part
of hermia.

I knew you would.

Really?

Yeah, we really
don't care.

Out of my way.

I'm the fairy queen.

Of course.

It's my regal bearing.

Who'd you get zackikins?

Hmm.

Lysander.

Sounds like
a mouthwash.

But I have
to be lysander.

Lysander
and hermia kiss.

Wait. Which part
did you get?

I'm bottom?!

That part
must stink.

But that's
the character who gets
turned into a donkey.

A donkey named bottom?

Definitely stinks.

Oh, yeah?

What part did you get?

Well, whatever it is,
it's got to be
better than bottom.

You're puck.

The fairy.

A fairy?!

I hate my mom.

Ok, everyone. Now that
we've all got our parts,

Let's start rehearsal.

All right. Let's go!

Now--

Who's ready
for some acting exercises?

Actually, I'd like
to discuss the theme
of the play--

Great idea!
Oh.

Only, first,
let's do some
mirroring exercises, ok?

Everybody pick a partner
and then face them.

But--
but.

No, I'd like to--
no, I'd like to.

Could we just--
could we just.

Ooh.
Ooh.

See? It's fun!

You guys try it.

Hey, zack,
let's be partners.

Hey, gwen.
Let's be partners.

You need
to quit the play.

What? No way!

But lysander
and hermia kiss.

I forbid you
to kiss gwen.

I won't be
kissing gwen.

My character will be
kissing her character.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my character
will be punching
your character out.

Not fair.

Good work, guys.

Gwen, you seem like
a lovely girl.

And I would hate
to see you get hurt.

Why would I get hurt?

'cause if your
stage kiss with zack

Lasts longer
than a second and a half,

I'm gonna flatten you
like road k*ll.

Carey: Good, good,
good, good, good.

Nice facial work, girls.

Look, I like cody,
not zack.

So you say.

Just keep the kissing
to a minimum.

Ok, zack.

Gwen.

Let's start
with the scene

Where hermia
and lysander
decide to elope.

And remember,
this is the play

Where everyone
falls in love with
the wrong person

Because they've
been bewitched
by the fairy puck,

But in the end, true
love conquers all. Ha!

Uh, I just wanted
to get the theme in.

Ok, if we're all through.

Start there.

If thou
lovest me, then--

Ok, good.
I'm gonna stop you.

I need you
to play the subtext,

The emotion
underneath the words.

Yeah. You're
asking her to run
away with you--

I was getting that.

Oh! Sorry.
Ok.

Let's try it again

And this time, I want
to feel the emotion.

Now, look into each
other's eyes.

Connect.

And then, say
what you really feel.

If thou lovest me,

Then steal forth
thy father's house
tomorrow night.

My good lysander,
I swear to thee

By cupid's
strongest bow,

Tomorrow, truly,
will I meet
with thee.

Cool.

All: Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, cody.

I've been thinking,

And it might be
a good idea

If we see
other people.

Other people?

We've barely
seen each other!

Come on.
We've had some
pretty good times.

You mean yesterday?

Exactly.
Glad you understand.

You!

How dare you steal
my girlfriend!

Can I help it
if I'm an amazing kisser?

Look, I like vanessa,
not gwen.

And here comes
my woman now.

Hi, cody.

I heard you
and gwen broke up.

Where did you hear that?

Oh, everyone's
talking about it.

Anyway, uh, if you want
a shoulder to cry on,

I'm available.

No!

I mean,
he's busy.

He's got
a meeting...

Of the geek club.

It's the glee club.

Have you seen
who shows up?

But I'm free.

Oh, well. Maybe
another time.

What was that?

What did you
say to her?

Nothing.

I've never
spoken to her in my life.

Well, that explains
why she likes you.

Just stay away
from my girl.

And you stay away
from mine.

Hey, babe.

I guess it's just
you and me now.

Ok, jessie.

See? I had the bagua
turned upside down.

That's why I wasn't
getting any good luck.

Isn't this
rain theme better?

Swell.

[loudly]
except it's
a tad loud and...

I have to use
an umbrella at my desk.

Ooh! That's bad luck.

Look, london, I really
liked the old arrangement,

And not just because
it's gettin' me
an italian sports car.

Well, my boat sank,

So we're trying
it like this.

Messenger:
I've got a telegram.

A telegram for--ohh!

Telegram for mr. Esteban
julio ricardo--

I get it.

Oh, no!

What is it?

The oil
in my uncle's truck

Was from
an underground pipeline!


And now
I have to help pay
the oil company back.

Oh, that's terrible.

I'd give you my $ ,

But I already spent it
on this watch.

Here she is.

Are you
madeline fitzpatrick?

That's me!
Did I win the lottery?

Actually, we want
to talk to you

About that $ bill
you spent yesterday.

It's a counterfeit.

What?!

I'm afraid you'll have
to come downtown and
answer some questions.

But can I
keep the watch?

I think you may be doing
time, not keeping it.

Can I come downtown
from here?

We'll see.

Here's your
foreign vehicle.

But...

It's a bike.

And it's imported
straight from Italy.

See? You got the horn
and everything.

[honks horn]

This is terrible.

All our luck
has reversed.

Come on.

The chi has just
started to flow.

Something's flowin'
and it ain't chi.

I'm sure
something great

Is gonna happen to me
and you any minute.

[cell phone rings]

London tipton.

Yes.

How dare they!

Can you believe it?

I was just named
number one

On the worst
dressed list!

Moseby, I told you
this feng shui stuff
was mumbo gumbo.

Ok, kids.

Now, you've all
worked very hard.

Now, no pressure. Ok?

I just want you
to go out there--

And be perfect!

Ok? This is opening
night, people.

I want you
to go out there

And give
the performance
of your lives.

Ok. Actually,
they just need
to do the best they can.

Ok? The important thing
is to build their
self-esteem.

You know what builds
self-esteem?

Good reviews.

Right. Uh, well,
the reviewer is ,

And I think
we'll be ok

Because she's
my daughter.

Ok. All right.

Makeup and hair check,
people! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This whole thing is
your fault, you know.

What's my fault?

The fact that gwen is
all over my zackikins.

You know, if you could
hang on to your woman,

We wouldn't be
in this mess.

Well, it's hard
to hang on to your woman

When you're trying
to woo her while wearing
a donkey's head.

Besides, you've got
more problems than gwen.

Your zackikins
likes vanessa.

Let me get
this straight.

You like gwen.
Gwen likes zack.

Zack likes vanessa,
and vanessa likes you.

Exactly.

Well, who likes me?

No one.

Hey!
Ow!

And maybe
that's why!

Well!

Look, it's
not my fault

That everyone likes
the wrong person.

Hey!

This is
just like the play!

That gives me an idea.

Look, the only reason
why gwen likes zack

Is because she thinks
he's a good kisser.

But if she kissed you,

She'd realize
you're just as good
and come back to you.

All right.

So far,
I'm liking it.

But how am I
gonna do that

When gwen and I
don't have a kiss
in the play?

Oh, that's easy.

It'll just take
a little improv.

Follow my lead
when the time comes, ok?

Ok.

And don't make
a fool of yourself.

I'm wearing
a donkey's head.

Good point.

Well, everything is back
where it should be.

Thankfully, we've all
survived this adventure

Relatively unscathed,

Although my horn
did fall off my bike.

And I'm working
overtime to send
money to my uncle.

And I've got a meeting
with the f.B.I.
On Wednesday.

Great news!

My luck has turned.

Apparently, the magazine
made a mistake.

I am on
the best dressed list.

Great.

Plus, daddy bought me
a brand new jet!

Lovely.

Would you like a horn
to go with it?

[honks horn]

Thanks!

And best of all,

He told me
that some farmer
in central america

Drilled into
a tipton pipeline,

And we're gonna take
over their ranch

And build a brand-new
vacation house!

[wails]

That feng shui stuff was
such a waste of time.

Isn't it great
to have our lives

Back the way it was?

Yay, us!

All: Yay, us.

[sighs]

On the ground,
sleep sound.

All apply
to your eye.

Gentle lover, remedy.

[squirt]

Ow! Watch it!

Ok. Bye.

Come. Sit thee down
upon this flowery bed

While I, by amiable cheeks
do coy.

And stick musk roses in
thy sleek, smooth head,

And kiss thy fair,
large ears,

My gentle joy.

Why, who have we here?

Some lost travelers
in the woods, perhaps?

What is she doing?

She's not supposed
to notice them.

Uh, maybe she
forgot her line?

Behold!

A fair maiden
bewitched
and asleep.

Perhaps you
should wake her
with a kiss.

Carey: He's not supposed
to kiss her!

He's not supposed
to kiss anybody!

What a fine idea,
my queen.

But first, you must
changeth me back
into a dude.

Yes.

Unh!

[crash]

Now, I shall
kiss you awake.

No, cody!

I mean, donkey.

You weren't supposed
to kiss her.

Anon.

Well, uh, at least
she said, "anon."

Bad guy talketh
for hermia.

I am noteth
a bad guy.

Really? Oh, well, then,
perhaps you should
planteth one on me.

I don't think so.

Eth.

This has to stopeth!

No!

This is the best acting
they've done all month.

Don't worry,
fair helena.

I shall saveth you.

Kid, get off me!

Now that
I have rescued you,

Perhaps you should
thanketh me with a kiss.

What are you
doing, lysander?

It's me you
loveth, remember?

Foolish mortal, I banish
thee from the forest.

You can't banish me.

Oh, yeah? We'll
see about that.

Oh, yeah.

While you two fight over
the handsome lysander,

I think
I'll spendeth some time
with my one true love.

Oh, please.

She doesn't love you.

Yeah, you're one
to talk, donkey face.

Hey, leave him alone.

Don't push my boyfriend!

Your boyfriend?

Oh! Somebody's
gettin' banished now.

Oh!

Oh, no. You didn't.

[rip]

Oh, yeah.

You go, girl!

Hey, leave
her alone.

Don't bump my girl.

Fine. I'll bump
you instead.

Don't you hurt
my zackikins.

Get out! Go!

Agnes: Good night!
That scenery!

What fools these mortals be.

So, good night unto you all.

Give me your hands
if we be friends.

And robin shall
restore amends!

[applause]

So much for meeting
chicks in drama club.

Vanessa never liked me.

Now even gwen hates me.

Yeah.
On the bright side,

Agnes likes you
even more.

Ha ha ha!

[sighs]

Well, kids, I can't
condone your behavior,

But it seems to me that,

Through your own
interpersonal experiences,

You finally came
to understand

The theme of the play.

Girls stink.

Don't work
with your brother.

I should have
taken oboe.

[sighs]
close enough.
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