01x13 - Poor Little Rich Girl

[bunniefuu]

Zach: Cody, DON'T FORGET TO DO
MY BOOK REPORT FOR TOMORROW.

Why do you always assume I'm
gonna do your work for you?

'Cause I'm
your older brother.

So get to work,
junior.

Hey, look.

It's "Zack and Cody,
the first year."

Ooh, we haven't seen
that one.

Dad: YOU'RE
DOIN' GREAT HONEY.

Look, it's mom
in the hospital.

[Carey screaming]

She's giving birth!

Doctor: PUSH, PUSH.

Fast forward,
fast forward, fast forward!

Carey: IT'S OVER.

Doctor: NO, WAIT,
THERE'S ANOTHER BABY!

Aah!

Fast forward,
fast forward...

To when we were .

Stop. This part
looks safe.

Yeah, you guys
are so cute.

If only you'd sleep.

[Telephone ringing]

Dad: CHANGE YOUR OWN DIAPERS.

Honey, could you
take your boys?

Yeah. Wait a minute.
Hold on.

Let me just put
the camera down here.

Zach's on the left,
Cody's on the right.

Oh, ok, I got it.
Ok, here we go.

[Out of breath]
Hello?

Oh, hi, mom.

Yeah, they love
their new outfits.

Well, Cody spit up
on his...

Tch. What a loser.
[Baby crying]

And then Zach
pooped in his.

Ha. Who's the loser now?

I gotta go, mom.
Somebody's crying.

I think it's my husband.

Ok, I love you. Bye-bye.

Dad: COME ON, GUYS.
SMILE FOR THE CAMERA.

[Crying]

Here's Zach...

And here's Cody...

I think.

That's not funny.

When you said
Zach's on the left,

did you mean
your left or mine?

My left.

Oh.

Fortunately, their mother
can tell them apart.

They have completely
different personalities.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. See?
Now that's obviously Zach.

And this...
[Crying loudly]

Yes. That's obviously Cody.

I think.

Mom thinks?!
What do I think?

You think you can get
away with mixing us up.

I never
mixed you up.

Really? Shall we replay
the evidence?

Oh. Ok,
for one second.

You guys don't know
how tired I was.

I hadn't slept
in weeks.

You were both bald with
no teeth and drooling.

I mean, it's amazing I didn't
mix you up with grandpa Jim.

I can't believe
I might be Cody.

What's wrong with
being Cody?

For starters,
look how you're dressed.

Well, if I'm Zach,
then I'm the oldest.

You better show me
some respect, junior.

By minutes.
Big deal.

I knew I should have
erased that tape.

Anything else
you haven't been

completely honest
with us about, mommy...

If that's your real name.

Oh, I am your mother. Do I have
to show you the beginning again?

Both: NO!

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Muriel, are you sure those
are thread-count sheets?

Let me check.

One...

... ...

How much will it cost
to get you out of here?

.

[Hums]

Ah, good morning,
miss tipton.

I trust you slept well?

Esteban, what do you
call this?

I call it hot chocolate.
What do you call it?

I call it unacceptable.

There is one big
marshmallow in it,

and you know
I like little ones.

My apologies,
miss tipton.

I will cut it for you
with great care...

Unlike the doctor
who did my appendectomy.

I tell the ladies
it was a shark bite.

Hey, London.

I took ivana for a walk,

and now she's
at doggy daycare.

That'll be bucks, please.

Wait. You're Cody.

I thought it was
Zach's turn.

Well, either way,
you owe one of us bucks.

[Sighs] Here.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I wanna see if
I'm in the society page.

I was at this fabulous
charity event for orphans...

Or was it dolphins?

Which one's flipper?

[Gasps]

Um, London...

You might wanna take a
look at the front page.

Not now. London's
reading about London.

And you might
want this back.

Why?

'Cause you're broke!

Aaahhh!

Moseby, tell me
it's not true.

Oh, I wish I could.

Unfortunately, your father borrowed
too much money from the bank,

invested all of it in a diamond
mine, and, well, no diamonds.

Any silver?
Mm-mm.

Pearls?
Mm-mm.

Works of art?
Oh, mm.

No, just a lot of dirt...

Ergo, dirt poor.

I'm so sorry, London.

I wish I could
do something to help.

Can you give me
$ million?

I'll go check
my piggy bank.

London, I spoke
with your father.

[Gasp] Yay.

Is he sending
the plane for me?

No.
The yacht?

No.
The jet pack?

You have a jet pack?
Of course.

No, no, no, no.

What he wants me
to tell you is,

for now, he has to stay
incognito.

Where's "cognito"?

In hiding.

Where's "hiding?"

Look, the point is,

he can't afford
to send for you.

But he sends his love...
Collect.

And he knows you'll be
a strong little trooper.

I don't wanna be
a trooper.

[Crying]
I wanna be rich!

I know.

Oh, could things
get any worse?

In a word? Yes.

I hate to tell you this,

but the bank insists that
you move out of the hotel

so they can rent your suite
to someone who can pay for it.

Just because
I don't have any money,

the bank stops
being nice to me?

Shocking, isn't it?
[Sighs]

Is there anyplace you can stay until
your father sorts all this out?

Of course. I'll just
stay at a friend's.

Anabelle? The most tragicical
thing just happened.

You heard?

Well, can I stay
at your house?

Really? An asteroid?
[Gasp]

And I was feeling sorry
for myself. Oh.

Cody, it's your turn
to set the table.

He's not going
to answer to Cody.

But you are Cody.

Prove it.

How much longer are you
guys gonna keep this up?

Until we learn
who we definitely are.

Ok, look, whatever
your names are,

when you were born,
the hospital

put your footprints on your birth
certificates so we can tell you apart.

How? Well, they're
like fingerprints.

They're different,
even for identical twins.

We'll take your footprints, and then we'll
match 'em to the birth certificates.

Great. Where are
our birth certificates?

You don't know where they are, do you?
We moved many times.

I'll call the hospital, and they'll
mail me copies right away.

Look, I know my kids.

Understand, Zach?

Yeah, I understand.

Charlene?

Hey, my portrait.

Oh, look how happy it was
when it was rich.

Hey! What is that man
doing with my clothes?

He is not gonna fit
into a size .

Unfortunately,
they had to sell your stuff

to help pay off
your dad's debt.

I'm really sorry.

Hey, is that my hat?

Maybe.

Oh, London. Hi, sweetie. I wanna
let you know I am so sorry,

and we are
here for you, ok?

Oh, that top is cute.

You are all vultures...
With very good taste.

But yolanda
will stand by me.

We once shared
a stepmother.

How are you doin',
sweet thang?

Cody, I'm sorry.

But isn't it Zach who usually
tries to flirt with me?

If you're gonna be me,
you'd better be better.

Thanks a lot, sis.

Aw, no luck?

They're getting me back for all
the times I didn't help them.

Selfish rich people.

Isn't this adorable?

[Gasp]

Which is why
I bought it back for you.

Thank you.

I can use it
as a pillow

when I sleep in the
gutter tonight.

[Crying]

Oh, honey, you're welcome
to stay with us.

I'm already on
the pull-out couch,

but we can make room.

Thank you so much,
Carey.

Any better offers?

Maddie, would it be possible for
London to stay with you for a while?

No, not possible.

Love to. Can't.
Coming!

[Mutters]

No one called you.

Besides,
if memory serves,

since your sister moved out,
don't you have an extra bed?

My sister didn't move out.

Well, that's odd.

I distinctly remember you dancing
around the lobby, singing,

♪ my sister
got a groom ♪

♪ I got my own room ♪

♪ what? ♪

Oh, that sister.
Mmm...

Come on, maddie. London's
got nowhere to go.

And it would be
the right thing to do.

How sweet, Zack.
Maybe you are Cody.

I guess a few days
wouldn't hurt.

London, you're welcome
to stay with me.

Thank you so much. I'm going
upstairs to get my things.

Wait a second.
I don't have anything.

[Sobbing]

There, there.

Ta-da!

Oh, this is kind of nice.

You have a little sitting room
outside your bedroom.

Actually,
this is the bedroom.

This is my bed...

And this is yours.

Does the closet
pull out, too?

Jeez, pretty noisy neighbors.
[Ball game sounds]

We live across the street
from Fenway park.

Sal: INCOMING, MADDIE!
HIT THE DECK.

That's sal.
He's the peanut guy.

Thanks for
the warning, sal.

Anytime.

Oh, look at me.
I'm a mess.

Could you pull down
the bathroom for me?

No. That's across the hall.
All right.

Hey, sal, send up
some peanuts!

Thanks.

[Screams]
There's some kind

of shriveled-up animal
in the bathtub.

London, that's my granny.

I didn't realize
she was still taking her bath.

No offense, but your room
is really bringing me down.

I need to take a nap. Aah!

Help!

I got you, I got you.

Whoa.

Maddie?

Maddie?

A little help.

Maddie, I'm having the worst day of my
life, and you're playing hide-and-seek?

Whoa!

Found me.

Oh, Teddy, I've had
the worst nightmare.

I dreamt daddy
lost all of his money,

and then wound up
living with m--aah!

Good morning to you, too.

Hey, this wasn't here
when I went to bed.

Oh, granny always checks on us
during the night.

Must've looked
a little cold to her.

Oh, that was nice.
How much should I tip her?

You don't tip family.

People in a family help each other
because... well, because they're family.

We all love each other
in this house.

Man: AW, GEE,
WHERE'S THE REMOTE?

Woman: SAME PLACE AS YOUR
CAREER-- IN THE TOILET.

Love can be expressed
in all kinds of ways.

Ok, it's time to strip
and make the bed.

Ok, if that's
what poor people do.

Whoa there, big girl.

I meant strip the sheets
off the bed and put on new ones.

Oh.

Well, what's the maid
gonna do?

We don't have a maid.

Aah!

Oh, I am so stressed out.

Have you thought about
getting a job?

No. I've been too depressed
about being poor.

You wanna sit for
Zack and Cody tonight?

But don't you
need the money?

Right now, you need the money
more than I do.

Hey, that felt great to say.

This isn't so hard.
[Gasps]

That right? Aah!

Perfect.

Is this how all
poor people sleep?

[Television plays]

[Shuts off television]

Hey, I was watching wrestling.
Since when?

You're not Zack.
It's homework time.

It's not fair. First, you
take away my identity

and now my culture.

He's been acting like me
all day.

He came on to
all the girls at school,

wised off
to the teachers,

and now he wants to copy
my homework.

That's terrible.

I know. It means I have
to do my own homework.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, hi, London. Ok,
nobody's had any dinner.

Doctor's number's on the fridge,
first-aid kit's in the cabinet,

and in a super emergency, I'll
be singing right downstairs.

Were you talking to me?

Remember, like I said, I'll
be singing right downstairs.

Mwaah! Love you.

Love you.
Love you.

[Door closes]

Time for bed.

It's : .

And we haven't even
had dinner yet.

We want grilled cheese,
please.

I can handle that. I do that
in the kitchen, right?

Yeah, it's the place
with the fridge.

Your fridge is broken.

Other side.

Fixed it.

I'm confused.
I thought you hated cheese.

But you love cheese.

Oh.

Ooh, they're already
in little slices.

Cooking is easy.

So if I'm Zack
and I don't like cheese,

does that mean you're the one
who likes ham?

No, we both like ham.

Then who likes liverwurst?
No one.

Then why do they make it?

The sandwiches
will be ready soon.

Do you want me
to read you guys a story?

No.
Good.

I've got this
working thing down.

[Smoke alarm sounds]

Oh, must be
the cooking timer.

I'll get the fire extinguisher.
I've got the window.

[Faint beeping]

Your grilled cheeses
are ready.

Next time, you might wanna
put it on bread.

And you might wanna
take off the plastic.

Let's face it, I'm not cut out
for regular life.

Yeah, you are. You need
to practice at it.

So you're saying I should make
more grilled cheeses?

No!
No!

Why don't we start
with something easier?

Like cereal.

I can do that. Wait, what goes
first, the milk or the cereal?

Doesn't matter, as long
as you remember the bowl.

Thanks for the hot chocolate,
Mrs. Fitzpatrick.

You're welcome,
sweetheart.

I like them.

They're kind of embarrassing
sometimes.

I didn't know families sat down and
ate dinner together every night.

And you actually
talk to each other.

What did your family do for dinner?
Oh, they went out.

I had dinner with whatever nanny
my mom hired that week.

Since they usually didn't speak
English, things were pretty quiet.

That's kind of sad.

Not really.
I learned how to say,

"let me stay up late, or I'm calling
immigration" in different languages.

Hey, wanna watch the game?
Sure.

Ok.

[Ball game sounds]

You know, this is
my first sleepover.

You've never slept over
at another girl's house before?

Mm-mmm. Most of my weekends, I was flying
back and forth from mommy to daddy.

I slept on the plane and played
cards with the flight attendant.

Does that count?

Sure.

You know, London...
Mm-hmm.

I've always been
a little jealous of you.

But now I see that you
missed out on a lot.

I mean, no sleepovers?

But I know how to act.
I've seen the movies.

We eat junk food,
we do each other's hair,

and we talk about boys.

Yeah, that's just about it.

Ow.

What are you doing?

Pillow fight.
It's in all the movies.

See, I can be
a regular person.

Hey, regular person, would
you like a snack? Sure.

Yo, sal, send up some peanuts!

And caviar.

Regular person.

Yo, caviar.

Here it is, special delivery
from children's hospital.

Mr. moseby, don't you wanna find out
if Zack is Zack and Cody's Cody?

Is there any chance
those footprints might say

you got the wrong twins
at the hospital?

And that your real ones are
nice, quiet and polite?

Absolutely none.

Ciao.

Ok, guys, now listen,
whatever is in this envelope,

you're still Zack,
and you're still Cody.

Will I still be Esteban?

Yes.

Ach, too bad.

Then I must go get
a ton of luggage in .

Ok, here we go.
But before we do...

Oh, no,
she's gonna talk.

This is important.

Even if you're you
and you're you,

I will still love you, even
if he's you and you're him.

I couldn't follow that,
and I'm the smart one.

All right, I'm opening it.

Ok, all right.
Swirly heel, swirly heel...

You are definitely Zack,
and you are definitely Cody.

All right.
Yes.

Now I can go back to chillin'
and just getting by in school.

I mean doing my best.

It is so nice
to have my boys back.

I love this sticky stuff
mom puts in our sandwiches.

What do you call it?
Peanut butter.

Mmm.

London, great news.
Me first.

I like peanut butter.

I think you're gonna
like this even more.

"Tipton back on top."

On top of what?

They struck oil in your
father's diamond mine.

Well, that must've made a mess.
Ah...

London, it means
you're rich again.

Really? Oh, yay!

Ooh.

Goodbye, peanut butter.
Hello, lobster dipped in butter.

Same old London.

Mm, but on the upside...

♪ You got your room
back to yourself ♪

♪ you got your room
back to-- ♪

I suppose.

Hey, you did a good thing.

Maddie, in all
the excitement,

I forgot you and I
made lunch plans.

Yeah, but then
you got rich again.

Which is why I'm taking you
to Maison Robert.

Really? Thanks.

It's the least I could do. I mean, you
took me in when no one else would.

You like me
for richer or poorer,

for better or worse,
in sickness--

we're not married, London.

But we are friends,
right?

Yes.
Good.

And as a friend, can I
tell you something? Yeah.

That sweater looks like
a moldy lemon.

It's ok. We'll get a booth
in the back.