04x16 - Barney's Sidecar

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Sheriff Taylor?

Oh, morning, Miss Beggs.

I won't waste but a chirp, but I just had

the most frightening experience of my life.

What in the world happened?

I was driving along Highway ,

within the speed limit of ,

when a car doing at least - passed me

and almost ran me off the road.

Almost ran me off the road, Sheriff,

it was going so fast.

Oh, well, now take it easy, Miss Begs.

Let's get all the facts. Well, I just feel...

Now, did you get his license number?

Well, it was a woman.

That's what it was.

It was a woman driving that car.

Good, good, good.

Now what about the license number?

Well, she was wearing a green hat

trimmed with pink baby roses

and a beige cloth coat with bitty bone buttons

with furry middles

like my sister, Tillie, has on her jacket.

You know my sister, don't you? No, ma'am. Now...

The tall woman with the long teeth?

You know, that all started with a gum condition.

You know how she got that gum condition?

Well, Daddy took her down to this dentist in Nashville,

and he wasn't any good.

He wasn't any good at all.

He had an office in the back of a store.

Now, would you trust a dentist

that has an office in a store?

No, ma'am. Now... And poor Tillie,

she's been suffering all these years

with these long teeth.

You know what they used to call her in school?

No, ma'am. The beaver.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

Now what about this woman speeder?

Oh, the way that woman drove!

Why, there ought to be a law against it.

There is, Miss Beggs. There is.

Imagine wearing a green hat and a beige coat.

Yes. She's got to be insane.

Yes, ma'am. The people they let drive these days.

Oh, Barney, I just had

the most frightening experience of my life.

I'll tell him about it, Miss Beggs.

It was a woman speeder,

and she was wearing a coat like my sister, Tillie.

You know, Tillie the beaver?

You know, and... Yes, ma'am.

Thank you for coming, Miss Beggs. Bye.

What was that all about?

A speeder up on Highway .

Oh, yeah? Hmm.

Want me to take the squad car

and get out on the stretch just take a look-see?

No, I need the car.

I got to go up to the Millstone Farm.

You know, that ain't the first complaint

we've had about that stretch on Highway .

We ought to do something about it.

Well, what can we do?

We ought to have a constant highway patrol.

Somebody to regularly cruise the area.

We only got the one car.

I'd be glad to do it.

Set up a checkpoint,

nip this speeding right in the bud.

Yeah, but we just got the one car.

Just a few miles out, set up a Checkpoint Chickie,

and just nail him.

Barney, are you listening?

We've only got one car.

( sighs )

Boy, it's the same the world over.

Police departments are the lowest-budgeted

underdog public servants of them all.

But it's "Thank you, Johnny Shafto"

when the g*ns begin to sh**t.

Yeah.

Well, we do the best we can.

I'll see you.

Hi, Ope.

Hi, Paw.

Where's Barney?

I don't know, Paw.

He ain't been here since I come in.

Is that the wood-burning set

you got for your birthday?

Uh-huh.

Ope... In a minute, Paw.

I'm just now coming around the top of my "E."

Well, you're filling the office with smoke.

I'll be finished in just a minute, Paw.

Look...

I'm going to put my name and the date on here,

and years from now, when we're all dead and gone

and Mayberry's a big city,

people will know that I b*rned my name

into a piece of wood on this here day.

Mm.

Will it say you made your paw's eyes

all red and irritated?

Gee, Paw, I'm sorry.

You better take your wood-burning work on home, Ope.

I got a lot to do today.

Okay, Paw.

There you are.

Don't burn yourself. I won't.

Okay.

"Abyssinia."

See you "Samoa."

Hi, Barney. Hi, Ope.

Hi, Barn.

I just got rid of Opie and his toys,

now here you come with yours.

What is all that junk?

I went to the w*r surplus auction in Mt. Pilot.

This is only part of it.

Just wait till you see.

Wait till you see.

Barney, I'm up to my ears in work.

Come on. Come on outside.

I want to show you something.

Come on, come on, come on!

What do you got out there, more junk?

Will you reserve judgment just this one time?

Will you reserve judgment?

( people clamoring )

All right, men, move it away from there!

Come on, let's go, break it up!

Come on!

ANDY: What in the world is that?!

Is this the answer

to our problems or isn't it? Huh?

This mechanically perfect, RJ- motorcycle...

That's official army nomenclature...

Is, as of now, an official part

of the Mayberry Sheriff Department's rolling stock.

What?

Well, don't you get it?

Now I can cover Highway .

You know, nail them speeders.

Checkpoint Chickie.

Now, wait a minute...

You said yourself we don't patrol enough

because we only have the one squad car.

I-I know...

With you busy with the squad car

on the other side of town,

I can cover Highway with this. Barney...

To say nothing of the other odd jobs

that can be taken care of around town.

Well, what's the sidecar for?

Are you kidding?

That's to carry firefighting equipment,

g*ns and amm*nit*on.

Room for another deputy in case of a raid.

Going back and forth to the store.

Uh-huh.

Besides, that's the way it came.

Barney, I don't think...

Look, I promise I'm not going

to make a big thing out of this.

It's just an extra vehicle to get me around

when you're busy with the squad car.

No fuss.

No big deal.

You won't even know I'm in town.

I'll know, all right.

( all laughing )

Get a horse, Barney!

Oh, why don't you guys go home?!

( laughter continues )

Mounted Patrol checking in.

( chuckles )

Well, how you doing, Baron Von Richtofen?

Come on, Ange.

I can expect that from them ignorant laypersons outside,

but not from you.

Well, you got to admit that that outfit

ain't exactly what you'd call inconspicuous.

Do you have to wear all that?

Andy, every piece of equipment and wardrobe

has a specific function.

Helmet... anti-crash.

Goggles... anti-foreign objects in eyes...

That is gravel and/or bugs.

I see.

What's them leather gauntlets for?

To protect you from dogs that think you look funny?

I'm sorry, Barney.

I'm sorry.

I guess all that stuff is necessary

on a high-speed motorcycle like that.

Good-looking helmet.

What do you think?

What do you think?

Don't wear my hat, Ange.

What?

Don't wear my hat.

Well, I was just trying it on.

I can't stand to wear a hat

after it's been on somebody else's head.

Oh. I'm sorry.

My mother was the same way.

She just couldn't stand to wear a hat

after it'd been on somebody else's head.

I remember that about your mother.

I just wanted a few days to prove to you

how valuable this motorsickle can be to us.

Yeah, well, all right, all right.

To show you there's no hard feelings,

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take you to lunch.

Tell you what I'll do... No, no, no, no.

I'll get the tip, too.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

I'm going to drive us there.

No, you're not.

Big fella, you're going sidecar express to the diner.

Well...

Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't have a jacket or a helmet or goggles

or anything.

You'll be in the sidecar...

Who's going to know?

Howdy, boys.

ALL: Hi, Sheriff.

Hey, that's nice sign work.

Charlie Phelps copied it off the squad car.

That's good.

Say, Sheriff,

if you fill it up with water,

you can take a bath along the way.

I guess so, Jas.

( grunts )

( engine roars )

( yells over engine ): You ready?!

Let 'er rip!

( all laughing )

All right, b*at it!

b*at it!

I'm within my rights to give

each and every one of you a ticket

for loitering, illegal assembly,

and tampering with official equipment!

Now break it up and b*at it! Go on!

Barney... No-good loafers.

Barney, if you keep this sickle,

I'm afraid you're in for a lot more of that.

Now why don't you make life easier for you and me,

and just get rid of it?

No!

Every thinking pioneer and inventor has suffered

the same kind of ridicule.

It's right there in your history books, Andy.

Take Alexander Graham Bell.

People laughed at him right over the telephone.

Wilbur and Orville...

people practically laughed them

right off Wright Air Force Base.

They have to be shown!

Barney, do yourself a favor,

and just get rid of it now.

Oh, Andy, you promised.

You promised.

All right, I promised.

But don't spend too much time in town.

Go way out on Highway ,

and look for a green hat with pink roses on it.

Mounted Patrol wilco and out.

We're not talking on the radio.

We're going to get one one of these days.

I'm going to another auction next week.

Well, until we do,

how about just saying, "Okay, Andy?"

Ten-four.

What's wrong?

Let me see your operator's license, please.

Well, what did I do?

Operator's license.

( sniffs, sighs )

"Edgar J. Masters," huh?

Now will you please tell me

what I did wrong?

Well, Eddie, I watched you

doing miles per hour in a -mile zone.

Now subtracting the latter from the former

that would leave you with a violation

of about five miles per hour, right?

Right, I can't deny that.

But we've always had an understanding about it.

We need that extra five miles per hour

to get over Turner's Grade.

Uh-huh.

Well, I tell you, Eddie,

I let you do today, you'll do tomorrow.

I let you do tomorrow,

you do the day after that.

You do the day after that,

you'll do the day after that.

Then if you can do ...

All right, all right, I get the idea.

Well, this is intended as a warning.

Now, don't let it happen again

or you might risk a citation.

This is merely to let you know

that from now on,

this road is under constant surveillance. Yes, sir.

Okay, Eddie, move her out.

Wait! Hold it.

Welcome to Checkpoint Chickie.

Hey, Barn.

Hey, Ange.

Mounted Patrol checking in.

Mm.

You know, Ange, it's a great feeling

when you get out on that sickle

and go racing down the highway.

It's just me and the wind and the wheel.

It's really something.

You know something I found out?

Mm?

If you ride into the wind with your mouth open,

and you put your tongue up on the roof of your mouth...

it's impossible to pronounce a word

that starts with the letter "S."

You didn't let anybody see you

riding around on that thing with your mouth open?

Nobody saw me.

You think I'm crazy or something?

Where you been?

I was out on Highway .

Gave out speed warnings.

Who was doing all the speeding?

El truckos.

What?

Yeah, every one of them

was exceeding said speed limit

by from three to five miles per hour.

I warned them.

I wished you hadn't done that.

Andy, I know what you're going to say...

"Give them the extra five.

Let them go in the zone."

But you and I both know what will happen.

You give them , they'll go .

If you give them ... Barney, it's just that

the truck drivers have a little trouble

getting over Turner's Grade

if they don't get a fair run at it.

Now we've always taken that into consideration.

I wished you hadn't jumped all over them with warnings.

Andy, that stretch of highway

is posted with big - 's.

If you don't want me to uphold the law, just say so.

No, no.

It's just that I...

well, I wished you'd do things in moderation.

Now, we've always given the truck drivers

the extra five miles,

and I wished that you'd just give it to them.

All right, you know what'll happen?

You give them , they'll take .

You give them ...

( truck rumbling by outside )

Paw?

Huh?

You asleep?

Now and then.

( moans )

Me, too.

Andy, those trucks are going to keep the whole town awake.

I expect so, Aunt Bee.

They sure are making

a terrible lot of noise, Paw.

How come?

I have a feeling it's their way

of saying hello to Barney and his new motorcycle.

Goodness.

Yep.

I expect things are going to be

a little different for the next few days.

( motorcycle approaching )

( horn honking )

BARNEY: Good night, Andy!

( motorcycle roars loudly )

( motorcycle engine fades )

Yeah, I expect things are gonna be a little different.

♪ ♪

Now, give me that stick!

Give me that stick!

Don't you know enough to stick your hand out

when you move out in traffic.

What's the matter with you?

( screaming )

What is the matter with you?!

Jaywalking! You were jaywalking, Aunt Bee.

Now, I seen you. Now, watch it.

Jaywalking?!

( clamoring )

Hold it. Hold it!

Now we're not gonna get anywhere if everybody talks at once.

Andy, you just got to do something.

You got to!

That Barney is making our lives miserable

since he got that darn motorsickle!

He's gonna k*ll somebody one of these days.

That's what he's gonna do. All right...

He's a menace, Andy! A menace!

( clamoring )

Now wait a minute, wait. Wait...

( motorcycle driving by )

There goes that phantom deputy.

Well, do something, Andy.

( clamoring )

Y'all, go on home. Go on home.

I'll take care of the motorsickle.

( clamoring ) Oh, Jas, go on home.

( exhales heavily )

Andy, you've got to do something about Barney!

I know, Aunt Bee. Andy...

Aunt Bee, let me help you home with your groceries.

Andy, this has gone way beyond...

Would you stop telling me to take it easy?

You've got to take it away from him.

You know that he nearly ran me over

with that silly thing?

You know, I have of great mind

to take the motorcycle away from him,

and leave him with the sidecar,

and fill it up with sand,

and give him a bucket and a shovel,

and let him play in it on weekends.

You know... I saw in a w*r picture once

these Nazis riding around on their motorcycles.

And these guerrillas strung a wire

across the road so high,

and when these Nazis came roaring through

on their motorcycle... ( hisses )

Aunt Bee...

we don't want to k*ll him.

Maybe hurt him a little,

but we don't want to k*ll him.

Well, you have to do something.

I wish we had a psychiatrist in town.

I bet Barney'd be a real study.

You could get him off the motorcycle.

Maybe we could get the doctor to ride along with him.

Kind of a ride-along psychiatrist.

That's not a bad idea.

( sniffing )

That smell's familiar.

Oh, that's Opie.

He's burning us a new house number.

On a separate piece of wood, I hope.

Oh, I don't know.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hi, Paw.

Looks swell, don't it?

Ope, you shouldn't have b*rned it

right into the house.

You should have put it on a separate piece of wood.

And that way we could've nailed it up

in a prominent place.

But don't you see, Paw?

This way it's permanent.

Nobody could come along and take our number,

and put it on another house.

I don't recall us having a number thief around for ages.

Put it on a separate piece of wood.

( growls )

Have to admit, though, it looks kind of nice.

Right fashionable.

You keep it up, wouldn't be surprised

if you make some money at it sometime.

Wouldn't that be great?

Oh, yeah.

Somebody wants a... wants his name done,

or an "out to lunch" sign

or a "dentist will be back soon" sign.

How about a "look out for the dog" sign?

If I had a mean dog, I'd buy one.

( motorcycle approaching ) You stay right with it...

( horn honking )

Hi, Andy!

Hi, Barney!

Morning, Barn.

Oh, hi, Ange.

What you got there, oilcloth? Yeah.

What are you going to do,

cover some of Opie's schoolbooks?

No, actually, this is for you.

Huh?

Well, I got to thinking...

if the sickle's going to be

a permanent piece of our rolling stock,

and I'm going to have to ride in it

once in a while,

I thought we might just fix her up

a little bit.

This cushion's awfully torn and stained

and everything and... Well, here.

Why don't you cover it up,

and give me a clean place to sit.

You really fool a guy, you know that?

I didn't know what you thought of the sickle

until this very minute.

Well, my face don't let on.

Now, cover it around there good and snug.

All right.

Do it right, or don't do it at all.

Right.

Hey, Barn. Barn?

Huh?

Did you see this?

What?

Down here where the cushion was.

We have a plaque

or an inscription or something.

Look'ee there.

( Andy reading aloud )

" ."

For Pete's sake.

"Passenger Black Jack Pershing..."

( Andy continues reading aloud )

General Pershing? That's really something.

They probably did this right in combat

as soon as they got on the other side.

More than likely.

What they probably did was to heat a bayonet

and burn it in here for posterity.

Yeah... Yeah.

You know, I knew there was something special

about the sickle

the first time I threw a leg over her saddle.

You don't have an ordinary sickle there, Barn.

You got a monument on your hands.

Yeah!

You know, it probably ought to be on display someplace.

Like there in that Smith Brother's institution

in Washington, D.C.,

right along with Lindy's Spirit of Saint Louis,

and all them other things.

( laughs )

Barn, it... it really should be.

You know that?

You mean you think

I actually ought to give it to them?

Not to them.

Your first loyalty is to your town.

What do you mean?

We got a lot of World w*r I veterans right here...

Al, Bert Stevens, the Milo boys.

Actually, this sickle belongs

over at the National Guard Armory.

We got the cannon from the Civil w*r.

The Jeep from World w*r II.

This sickle belongs right between them.

Kind of a shame to retire it from police duty.

It's only been on the job a little over a week.

Al... Bert... the Milo boys.

It's theirs, Barn.

Yeah, it belongs to the world, all right.

Kind of like giving up an old friend.

It's for the best.

Why don't you just run it over there?

No.

You do it, will you, Ange?

Don't look back.

Hi, Paw.

Did you find out where Barney went?

Yeah, he went over to the army surplus auction

in Mt. Pilot again.

Gee, I hope he brings back something interesting.

Bite your tongue.

( phone rings )

Hello. Sheriff's Office.

What?!

You're not serious.

Where'd you say?

Highway ?

I'll be right there.

What is it, Paw?

Well, Barney bought something

at the army surplus auction again.

I'll put a stop to this.

( siren wailing )

Dadburn it, Barney, you've gone too far this time!

Now come on out of there!

MAN: What's the meaning of this, Sheriff?

I'm Major Hobart, nd Division.

We're on our way to a m*llitary display,

and we're late now.

Well, I-I'm sorry, Major.

I thought you was my deputy.

He bought this World w*r I motorsickle,

and I thought he... I thought he bought a t*nk, and, well...

I'm sorry!